Dissociative Identity Disorder Video: Worlds Colliding

June 6, 2011 Holly Gray

There’s a space of six weeks between my last two posts here at Dissociative Living. Some of that month and a half disappearance has to do with the fact that I’d been trying to do too much for the better part of a year and I reached a kind of critical mass that left me depleted and in desperate need of rest. And some of it has to do with the nature of Dissociative Identity Disorder itself. It’s natural, within the context of DID, to compartmentalize one’s life to such a degree that the various arenas in which we live – work, school, friends, etc. – are separate worlds altogether. And when one or more of those worlds collide, as they inevitably do from time to time, the resulting anxiety triggers a full retreat from one or all of the affected worlds. But I’ve discovered that there’s more to these disappearances than I believed.

2138763665_831e891ccd_bDissociative Identity Disorder Video on Worlds Colliding

In this video I discuss the anxiety that occurs when compartmentalized arenas of life come together and what I’ve learned about the real source of that anxiety.

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APA Reference
Gray, H. (2011, June 6). Dissociative Identity Disorder Video: Worlds Colliding, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 15 from

Author: Holly Gray

June, 20 2011 at 11:22 pm

Recently my "wonderful" little worlds collided and almost with dire consequences. Things had started to feel like they were finally calming down, I couldn't have been more wrong.  Trying to balance a life filled with shame of who I am, what I am and who my alters are/who they make me...with a normal happy, smiling, self employed, semi-social life... However unbeknownst to me balance had shifted and all hell was about to break loose. 
I hate who I am…I absolutely hate it. But I'm trying.. living with DID isn't easy as I've been finding out. But what's happened recently has me ever more frightened of what's to come. My memory is going, I'm losing short term and trying to figure everyday problems out, is getting harder and harder. My therapist is doing the best she can, it helps a little but even she believes I'm on a bad downward spiral. 
This little stent I'm going through I like to call "home". To me and my alters it feels like organized chaos but to everybody else I'm a disaster.  It started about a week ago.. I won't get into a lot of detail some stuff I'm too embarrassed to talk about openly.. But this ... To me is a big sign I'm not the only one in my mind that hates me.. 
I was at work, I do construction.. Hardwood floors, kitchens, bathrooms etc.. I'm pretty good too. I had a bad night about a week and a half ago, big fight with friends, family and the world. I brushed it off as basic every day b.s.. Except the next day i was supposed to start a floor for a friends parents. I never showed up.. They called I never answered.. They came by I wasn't home.. I had lost control and started to go into this rage. I remember some of what happened that day. I broke a lot of important things to me. Ripped up pictures I only had 1 of.. I broke down and cried alone and scared.. That's when I heard a voice and things went blank. 
It was 4 hours later that I remember anything...I know that after a lengthy talk with my therapist and the San Francisco police, the golden gate bridge authority and the California highway patrol. I had made my way to the golden Gate bridge and attempted To commit suicide. I stood on the railing of the bridge for 10 minutes and from what witnesses said I wasn't responding to anybody. Had a blank look on my face, emotionless and empty..
I remember coming to and Looking down 220ft to the cold ocean, looked around at the 20 or so people watching me..taking pictures, laughing at me, calling me stupid.. I was out for attention etc.. I couldn't believe I was where I was. A cop came up behind me and grabbed me and pulled me off the bridge. I was taken by ambulance to an in pateint facility. I spent 5 days in there getting help, sorting through what had happened, why it happened and what I need to do to control it. My time there things started feeling like they were calming down again. I could think straight, everyday activities aren't hard. 
It's no fun living with DID it's not easy either.. I've been diagnosed not even 6 months now and life hasn't ever been the same.. I envy you holly and anybody else that can function in everyday society. I can't seem to anymore, I fear my dissasoiative memory is getting worse and worse. My life us getting worse and worse, without any true direction I don't know where to go. I'm going to be 29 in a month.., and I'm nowhere near successful nor am I where I want to be in life... This disorder has ruined my already tainted life. Anything to get me through another month would be only problem with that is a month for me is longer than I think... Without the support from friends & family how is anything possible? 
Im at that point where I'm just tired. This has drained me of everything.. I'm scared...I'm just scared.... And I'm sorry...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
June, 21 2011 at 7:14 am

You were recently diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. You are the same person you were before you were diagnosed. Life hasn't been the same because diagnosis itself is a form of worlds colliding. You are bumping up against aspects of who you are and it feels intolerable to you and to those other aspects. To put it simply, it's freaking you out. And for whatever it's worth, that's normal for DID. Just about everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder who reads my blog can read this comment of yours and absolutely understand.
If I could go back and tell my newly diagnosed self anything, it would be this: I know you feel like you're losing your mind, your life, everything. You're going to feel like that for a while. Don't make it worse by panicking about the fact that you feel like you're losing your mind, your life, everything.
I want to share with you with something I wrote back in December: The Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis didn’t make me crazy; my desperation to rid myself of it did.
I suspect that your life isn't objectively getting worse and worse, but that your awareness is increased and you are now feeling things you didn't before that are intolerable to you ... which is precisely why you didn't feel them before. As bizarre as it sounds, if I'm right, what's happening right now is a *good* thing. Providing, of course, you can keep getting off that bridge before you jump.
I've been where you are. It gets better.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

June, 28 2022 at 9:57 pm

I needed to read this tonight. Thank you both.

Jeanette Bartha
June, 6 2011 at 7:16 pm

Hi Holly,
Your video was well done and informative - thank you for that. You were very clear and concise about your experiences of compartmentalizing facets of yourself.
I'm glad you are feeling better. I was wondering where you had gone.
Best, Jeanette

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