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Over the past several months, I've been writing about ways to boost self-esteem at a comfortable pace. I find that working at your own speed and setting achievable goals will help set anyone up for self-esteem success. Today, I'd like to talk about something different I tried recently. I want to talk about how challenging myself affected my self-esteem.
Recently a friend ruined my mental health. Well, a friend combined with preexisting bipolar disorder, ruined my mental health. I don't believe in blaming people for mental health problems, per se; but, sometimes people do things that are so damaging, a change in mental health really is pretty much their fault. So, what do you do when a friend ruins your mental health?
This might seem like a bold, hyperbolic claim, but it just so happens to be true: I have no regrets about my eating disorder. Of course, there are some behaviors I am not proud of, relationships I have worked fiercely to restore, and memories I still flinch at. But in terms of actual regret, I simply think it's a wasted emotion. While I have absolutely no desire to relive those 15 years of battling anorexia, this formative chapter in my life transformed me into who I am right now—a person for whom I feel genuine love and respect. So if you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I will unpack why I have no regrets about my eating disorder.
On July 16th, 2022, the new three-digit Suicide and Mental Health Crisis Hotline went into full effect. The transition from a 10-digit number to the more convenient and memorable 988 is a positive step toward adequate and widely-accessible mental health resources for all. Moreover, the hotline is no longer solely for suicidal individuals but open to anyone facing a mental health crisis. The overall messaging behind this change is perhaps the most impactful. We hear you; we see you; we'll show you not only through our words but through our actions.
Many individuals, including myself, can take notice of subtleties later when they are no longer the object of verbal abuse. It shocks me as I look back and replay many of these instances in my head. There were several reasons why, however, I never recognized it as abusive, which led me to remain in the same situation for years.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is the first major mood disorder I suffered from as a kid. However, I did develop early symptoms of bipolar disorder as a teen as well, and that later led to schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a very extreme form of what is commonly known as premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Untreated, I don’t have minor bouts of irritability or sadness during my period--I have full-on depression accompanied by suicidal thoughts. The way I treat my PMDD is with birth control pills.
We all experience cycles or patterns of behavior that we want to change. Those of us who have experienced binge eating disorder (BED), or eating disorders in general, know the pain and frustration that is felt when you are trapped in a cycle of disordered, destructive eating. It is especially frustrating when you try to recover and leave behind your old cycles and patterns and you realize you're still stuck in a binge eating cycle.
I didn't get a say in my birth. My mother and father took the executive decision to procreate without my input, and I landed on the scene in the April of 1985 before I could register any objections. Upon my arrival, the doctors deduced a few things: I was a boy. I was healthy. And, given the amount of wailing and thrashing, I appeared mildly inconvenienced by this whole birth scenario. For nearly 32 years after that, the doctors didn't miss much--except to diagnose me with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Before I knew anything about borderline personality disorder (BPD) or antidepressants, I knew that pharmaceutical drugs were bad. Or, at least that's what I was told growing up. I learned from a young age not to trust therapists or doctors. Doctors wanted to poison your body, and therapists wanted to poison your mind. Why would I think that? Well, because then it would be easier for them to control you.
Something I have found about having chronic anxiety is that this often leads to avoiding triggers, which includes avoiding conflict. For example, you might find it difficult to set boundaries in a relationship, or you might find that you've been putting off having a difficult conversation with your supervisor at work. For me, this might look like walking away from arguments or being as diplomatic as possible in an interaction with someone to avoid some sort of conflict.

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Comments

Rebecca Chamaa
I agree the diagnosis of schizophrenia does not define an entire human being. We are more than our diagnosis.
Rebecca Chamaa
I have schizophrenia and don't feel safe with guns around. I understand how some people would feel differently, especially those who hunt.
Natasha Tracy
Hi M,

Thank you for your comment. I'm not aware of these cases. If you could point to a source, that would be great.

Thanks.

-- Natasha Tracy
Mani
I have been cutting for a long time, I've even had stitches and I often throw up on purpose sometimes because I can't taste the food I am eating and sometimes just a habit, recently I can't look at my reflection without feeling nauseous. I know it all points to a bit of depression I guess but I remember and I still do feel like I do because I want attention. It's really sickening, I'll go to great lengths to hide it but I still want people to find out. I wish I could stop wanting the attention. Sorry English is my third language.
Karen
I have been with my husband since 1999. I was 18 and he was 24. I saw the red flags from the beginning but it is my own stupid fault for staying. We now have 2 beautiful boys who are nearly in high school. They are my life. I stay in this toxic relationship for them. I have been dragged through the garden by my hair, had my finger dislocated when he threw an ashtray at me. He has rubbed my face in urine and faeces. I now need a disc replacement in my neck from this person. Till this day, he will not take responsibility or apologize for any of this. Today he swore and demeaned me in front of a tradie to such a point I was going to grab the kids and leave. Every time, everything is my fault and he has only acted in this way because of me. Deep down I k ow that I need to take the kids and leave but for some stupid reason I still love him. This is never in front of the kids and they are never in harms way.