Bipolar Disorder - Can You Trust What You Feel?
One of the most terrifying things about mental illness is that you can no longer trust what you feel. Oh sure, you feel it just as sure as day, but can you trust it enough to act on it? Not really. At least, not if you want to keep your job, friends, marriage and so on.
You can no longer simply feel and act. Now you must feel, think and then contemplate acting. It's exhausting and not a particularly reasonable thing to be expected to do.
Acting on Feelings
I look at the world and I am acutely aware that they feel something and then act on it. They feel hurt and then pout. They feel angry and raise their voice. They feel happy and they smile. These things are pretty predictable and reasonable.
I cannot do these things. Because my feelings are out of proportion with the situation. Because when I'm hurt I don't pout, I want to die. Because when I'm irritable I don't want to raise my voice, I want to smash your head in with a rock. These things just aren't acceptable in a polite society.
What Makes Us Feel?
And similarly, different situations make me sad than make an average person sad. I feel inconsolably sad because the wrong song comes on the radio. This simple stimuli rolls into feelings of despair and agony until I'm certain that dying is the right thing to do.
That's a bit of an overreaction.
Feelings and Bipolar Disorder
Because what happens is my feelings are mostly there without any stimuli at all, stimuli just cranks the feelings up to a 10+. I'm irritable right now. I want to smack someone right now. Why? Just because of the illness. Just because of the medication. Just because that's what my brain is doing.
But I can't act on those feelings just because they are there. I can't just get mad at a friend just because I feel angry. That wouldn't be fair, or reasonable, or kind.
I can't trust what I feel. Because what I feel is the product of illness. Like a headache. Or a muscle spasm. Or a runny nose.
And realizing this is a bitch because if you can't trust what's coming out of your brain, what, exactly, can you trust? Your brain does everything for you. It interprets everything you ever see, smell, hear, feel and do. And yet it's wrong. It's sick. And the brain is supposed to temper its own illness. The brain is supposed to handle the bad signals coming out of itself.
This is not a reasonable thing to ask an organ to do.
In therapy they try to teach you how to do this, and in some respects, they are usually successful. But in the end, it's still you alone with your brain, just trying to figure out what's real, reasonable and what's a symptom or side effect.
It's an exhausting way to try to live.
Tracy, N. (2011, September 29). Bipolar Disorder - Can You Trust What You Feel?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, November 27 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/09/bipolar-disorder-can-you-trust-what-you-feel
Author: Natasha Tracy
I have B P D and I have been with this sense I was a child. They did not discover it until 1996.
Its just so confusing....i never act on my feelings immediately because i dont know if i make a storm in a teacup or i if I just feel that pretty much everything is just fine because life is beautiful. I cant trust my judgement. I dont understand and I dont know myself. Its so frustrating loosing contact with myself. For the first time in years I am in a serious relationship and my BPD just messes everything up. i hate it. I had a big fight today with my boyfriend and I guess he had a bad day too and things didnt go very well...it all ended up in disaster; i smashed a glass into the floor and ran downstaires, slammed the door as hard as I could and ran out of the house (with bleeding feet). Ive just told him i have a mood disorder (i try to avoid the term "bipolar" for now because of the stigmas as weve been together for quite a short while) but still he does nor undestand whats going on and neither do I. i really care for him ... And i hope this wont mess it up.
I went searching for an article to explain the way I've been feeling, and you are so on the money.
It is so exhausting to live this way. To have feelings of sadness, anger, irritation, neglect, all of these feelings that are mostly nothing more than fabrications created by my own mind but brought to life x10 by a simple situation like an argument with my husband over the television.
To know that you are a capable, intelligent, deep, compassion person but yet unable to trust any of your feelings or knee-jerk responses to situations can be overwhelmingly frightening. It sometimes makes me wonder if I even truly know myself.
Yes, those are accurate words. And you're right, the thing about it is that there aren't really any other option. No choice but to move forward. (Like a shark?)
I can identify with that too. You're welcome.
wow, feelings put into words I truly can understand. It is scary, lonely, terrifying, and so confusing. So much work just to be 'normal'. Sometimes I think it is more work than it's worth but then where does that leave you?
Always love your perspective Natasha. :)
"Because when I’m irritable I don’t want to raise my voice, I want to smash your head in with a rock."
Exactly! And in my case, since I tend to self-harm, I want to smash my head in with a rock. Or at least my hand or something. Anything to release from the pain and crushing weight of what I'm feeling.
Great article. Thanks.