To be honest, this is not the post I originally planned to write today. However, life has an interesting—often infuriating—habit of forcing my attention to land on unhealthy behaviors or unresolved issues that I need to acknowledge but would much rather ignore. Sometimes this comes in the form of painful news or circumstances, while other times, it comes in the form of a reminder that I'm an imperfect human who still has healing work to do. But today, in particular, I find myself asking the question: How do I receive painful news without taking it out on the body I live in, which has done nothing to deserve my wrath? 

Taking Painful News Out on the Body Is Not a Helpful Response

This morning, I received a phone call delivering painful, unexpected news, which tore a healing wound open once again. I will not reveal too many details of the situation because it's still fresh, and I absolutely do not want to trigger anyone else in a similar circumstance. But to summarize, I found out a few hours ago that an outcome has finally been reached in a sexual assault case I filed back in 2019. The judge chose to rule in favor of the defense with a "not guilty" verdict on the basis that she believes I fabricated the assault in question. Of course, I know the truth, but her ruling pierces like an arrow nonetheless.

Under the influence of my eating disorder, it would be so easy to funnel this pain into harmful, self-medicating behaviors. I would even feel justified in making that choice to numb out. However, since I am committed to eating disorder recovery, part of this commitment process is learning how to receive painful news without taking it out on the body. It's a counterintuitive response—often the exact opposite of how I actually want to respond. But I also understand that punishing this body of mine is not helpful in the long term. It does not resolve the situation, and it certainly does not relieve the pain or enhance my own wellbeing.

Healthier Alternatives to Taking Painful News Out on the Body

Today as I wrestle with the impulse to take this painful news out on my own innocent body, I must remember how far I have come in eating disorder recovery—much too far to backslide into comfortable but detrimental territory. While it might feel like a relief in the moment to indulge in those familiar behaviors, this response will not heal the emotional scars I carry within. The eating disorder can create a temporary distraction, but it cannot permanently mend a broken heart. It only causes more destruction in its wake.

Everyone encounters low seasons in life, but as I am learning, it's an intentional choice to receive painful news without taking it out on the body. So, here are a few healthier coping mechanisms and self-care practices that I will grasp onto instead. These actions might sound basic, but when I feel particularly raw and vulnerable, basic is exactly what I need. 

1. Call a trusted family member or friend who is able to offer a supportive listening ear. 
2. Go for a walk outside to enjoy the fresh air and soak in nature's therapeutic energy.
3. Take slow breaths from the diaphragm—feel each inhale and exhale deep in the body.
4. Brew a warm, comforting pot of coffee or herbal tea, then savor it under a blanket.
5. Reach for a journal and write down anything that comes to mind without censoring it.
6. Listen to a music playlist of empowering anthems (Broadway ballads are my favorite).
7. Watch an animated Disney film on the couch with a bowl of cereal—it's so nostalgic.
8. Wrap the body in a hug and channel as much self-love as possible into that embrace.
9. Do an immersive, hands-on activity, such as a jigsaw puzzle or a do-it-yourself craft project.
10. Let the tears flow for as long as necessary—an emotional purge feels so restorative.

Now I want to open this conversation to you as well. Are you able to receive painful news without taking it out on the body, or is this a challenging area in your own eating disorder recovery? What self-care practices do you reach for in those heavier moments? Please feel free to share your insights and experiences in the comment section below. 

Mainstream media is slowly changing to be more inclusive of many aspects of life. You can find more television shows and movies that include people with disabilities. There is an increase of coverage with sensitive topics, including suicide, mental health, and abuse. For example, Maid shows the kinds of abuse that can go undetected, opening eyes to the real definition of abuse. Unfortunately, it is just the beginning. There is so much more ground to cover before society gets to the point that we need to be at with empathy and acceptance. 

'Maid' Shows the Hidden Abuse I Experienced -- and Excused

One critical element with portraying abuse in the media is how people perceive it. So many older movies and television shows depict physical or sexual abuse, typically extreme depictions, making the situation seem even more violent and offensive. While these circumstances are shockingly real for many individuals, abuse comes in various forms, making acceptance of other situations difficult. Unfortunately for me, this scenario is familiar.

During a significant relationship in my life, my partner did not punch me or cause any broken bones. However, he would punch holes in the walls, throw things at me, yell at me, and threaten me. At the time, I did not feel abused. I only felt that my ex-husband was not treating me right. I could not see the elements of an abusive environment. 

At one point in our time together, I wanted to leave. He was not home, and it was our first child's birthday party. I was a young mother with two children, and all I knew was that I was scared and upset all the time, so I was packing to leave. After the birthday party was over, he called the house to yell at me, and I told him I was leaving. This conversation threw him into a fit of rage over the phone, and he threatened to burn down our house and everything in it if I left. Sadly, I stayed. I did not want to lose our things or the home. Unfortunately, I did not realize how manipulative he was or that it was a form of abuse until much later. 

'Maid' (Netflix) Accurately Portrays Abuse

I recently came across a new show on Netflix called Maid. It tells the story of a woman with a child in an abusive relationship and her struggle to leave and build a life to support her and her child. As someone who has been in this position, I wanted to see how accurate this show depicted domestic abuse. 

If you have any history of domestic abuse, I will warn you, this show may be a trigger. It jumps right into the story, with the main character having flashbacks of her partner screaming and throwing things. I did not realize how much I would identify with the story until after a few minutes into the first episode. 

In a more than familiar twist, the main character did not believe she was in an abusive relationship at first. Because her partner did not beat her, she did not think she deserved the help and support given to women with black eyes or broken bones. The show continues with her struggles with finding a place to live, finding a job, and feeding her child. She seeks refuge in a women's shelter and has problems in court battles regarding her daughter. As I watched each episode, my emotions surfaced. 

I know the feeling of heading into the shelter with children in tow. I understand the anxiety and stress that court hearings over custody cause. 

We Need More 'Hidden' Abuse Awareness

With my struggles facing abuse throughout my life, I have found myself in many positions where I felt alone and unsupported. I did not realize that I had a choice not to live with that behavior. I did not know how bad it was until I sought treatment and help. 

I believe the more that we talk about our past experiences and have shows like Maid on television, people's perceptions will change. Individuals may recognize the signs of abuse easier or more quickly than before. Victims may get the opportunity to seek help before it escalates into a worse scenario. 

Although watching Maid on Netflix was quite triggering, I felt heard. It was as if the creator Molly Smith Metzler took a page out of my history book or was a kindred spirit. I hope that if it takes someone watching this show to realize that the situation is familiar to them, it motivates them to seek help. 

No one should have to live with abuse, and the road away from it is not easy or fun. But it is worthwhile. 

If you carry the proof of your history of self-harm on your skin, you may have thought about what life would be like without those scars. But is self-harm scar removal surgery necessary?

Why I Won't Get Self-Harm Scar Removal Surgery

I have never had self-harm scar removal surgery, nor am I planning to get those scars—or any of my other scars—removed any time soon. This is for a few reasons.

First, having experienced open-heart surgery firsthand, I know I never want to have surgery again unless it's absolutely medically necessary. While self-harm scar removal surgery is a completely different type of operation, the idea of going through anything even vaguely like that again is simply not appealing to me. Everyone experiences these things differently, of course, and my own experience was far from the worst-case scenario. (I survived, after all.) But for me, the emotional cost of having my scars removed far outweighs the emotional cost of keeping them.

However, it's important to note that in my case, my self-harm scars are next to invisible. They are so small and so faded now that unless I purposely point them out to you, you would likely never notice them. I know they are there, of course; my eyes still catch on them if the light hits my arm the right way or if my fingers happen to pass across their ever-so-slightly raised surfaces. But they don't upset me anymore, not the way that they used to.

For me, they are a reminder—of everything I went through, yes, but also of my healing process and how far I've come.

Is Self-Harm Scar Removal Surgery Ever Necessary?

I don't want self-harm scar removal surgery for myself, and I'd be hesitant to recommend it to anyone else. (I am not a doctor, for one thing.)

However, that doesn't mean that nobody should have their scars removed. I don't think it is my place to tell you what to do with your body, nor do I know enough about your unique situation to be able to give any real advice. Just keep in mind that such an operation would be permanent—you can't get those scars back later if you change your mind. (In fact, if there's any chance that missing your scars might trigger a relapse, you might want to wait and think about it a little longer before deciding to get surgery.)

If your scars are small, difficult to see, or if you have any qualms whatsoever about having an operation or removing those parts of yourself, I would strongly suggest waiting. You can always have them removed later, once you're sure. And if your only reason to remove them is that someone else is making you feel like you should, I think it would be better to seek out professional help to deal with that toxic relationship rather than get a surgery you don't want.

But:

• What if your scars physically interfere with your ability to live a full life?
• What if your scars consistently negatively impact your emotional and/or mental health?
• What if you have religious or personal beliefs that make it impossible to keep your scars?
• What if your scars are a trigger for your self-harm, anxiety, depression, et cetera?

In all of these cases, my personal take is that, yes, it is perfectly reasonable (and perhaps even necessary) to have your scars removed. Of course, these are not the only possible valid reasons for wanting self-harm scar removal surgery.

Should You Get Self-Harm Scar Removal Surgery?

In the end, the only reason for removing your scars that truly matters is this: You know, without a doubt, that this is what you want. If this is the case, far be it from me—or anyone else—to tell you what to do.

My only advice, no matter what, is to take as much time as you need to be absolutely sure of your decision before taking that next step.

I'm not exactly proud of my scars, as I know some people are. But I'm not ashamed of them, either. They are a part of me, one I chose to keep and heal on my own terms. Whether you choose to keep yours, as I have, or shed them to begin anew—that's entirely up to you.

Have you had your self-harm scars removed, or have you thought about doing so? Feel free to share your thoughts, questions, or stories in the comments.

Like everyone else with depression, I did not choose it. While I know it is not my fault, it is frustrating when it prevents me from living life. It is only recently that I have learned to use depression to make better choices. And this has helped me personally and professionally. Here's how.

Working with Depression in Making Choices Is Important

I believe one should cooperate with depression by knowing what keeps it under control and what makes it worse. In the context of your professional life, this means that you should choose work that interests you. Everybody has unique skills, aspirations, and talents, and if you pay attention to them, your depression will be easier to manage. For example, consider you are a student who hates academics and likes to play the piano. If you become a professional piano player, I suspect you will be less depressed than if you stop playing the piano and become an academician. 

In my case, this meant choosing to be a writer instead of working in the information technology (IT) industry. Yes, even though I graduated as an IT engineer, I barely worked in the industry. Once I realized my first job as a technical writer was responsible for a surge in depression, I quit it for good. Shortly after, when I became a freelance writer and journalist, I was offered some technical writing assignments. Although they were well-paying, I turned them down because I knew they would make me feel bluer than ever. Instead, I took up work I was interested in -- and eight years later, I am still doing that. Sometimes, for the sake of money, I do take up dull writing work, but I never say yes to technical writing. I hate it with a passion, and it impacts my mental health severely, so it is not even an option.

Depression is a life-altering illness that makes every little thing difficult to do. If you do what you enjoy, you will still be depressed. But you will be far more depressed when you do what you are ill-suited for or hate. Therefore, you need to train yourself to make life choices that make depression manageable. 

Working with Depression Can Help You Be Authentic 

I have made career choices using this philosophy, and I am mostly satisfied with the results. It has also helped me figure out my writing niches and interests. Even when I'm too depressed to work, I can push myself because doing meaningful work gives me a sense of purpose. 

Please note that I am not trying to glorify depression. This post is about me trying to make the best of my condition. It's about how I'm trying to make choices good for my mind. If I don't do so, my depression will eventually worsen, even causing burnout. 

Sometimes, Depression Wins

Of course, sometimes depression is in charge no matter what one does. Watch the video below to know the mindset that helps make such phases easier to handle. 

I recently had a conversation with someone about strategies to break bad habits, and I was reminded of my binge eating disorder (BED) recovery. By nature, whenever I set a new goal to break or create a habit, I want change to happen immediately. I try to go cold turkey and quit the bad habit overnight. Or, I change many habits all at once instead of making small changes over time. Those of us who have experience with binge eating disorders know that using willpower alone doesn't work when we are trying to stop binge eating. Most of the time, trying to restrain yourself and not binge eat makes the urge to binge more powerful. If using the cold turkey method doesn't work to recover from binge eating disorders, then what will help? 

Good Habits Help Stop Binge Eating 

I believe recovery from BED takes time and persistent effort. However, when you are struggling with BED week to week, this is not what you want to hear. At this point in my recovery, I'm able to pinpoint what exact habits and routines helped me stop binge eating. There is a way to interrupt your binge eating cycle, starting today. 

Good routines can help you start feeling better about yourself immediately. Here are some crucial tips that have helped me stop binge eating.

• Eat regular, substantial meals earlier in the day -- This is the essential habit I have in my toolbox that prevents me from binge eating. If I feel tempted to overeat or binge in the evening, that tells me that I did not eat enough that day. I try to eat full, satiating meals in the morning and afternoon. I try to eat without rules. This helps me from being ravenous late in the evening. If you are used to eating lightly during the day, this can take time to get used to.
• Plan, make a list, and go grocery shopping. -- Grocery stores are stressful when you are in a cycle of binge eating and recovering from a binge. Make a habit of collecting a few simple online recipes. These can help you make a concrete list, which will help you get in and out of the grocery store. It's crucial to eat well during the day when you are recovering from BED. Having food available to make meals with during the day can save you from binge eating later.
• Have a seat. -- At one point, I realized I usually binged while standing in my kitchen, watching a video. I still have to remind myself to sit down before I start eating. The habit of sitting for a meal helps give a starting point and endpoint to the meal, instead of being able to keep grazing without an end. 

There are an overwhelming number of things to do in a day. It's not easy to keep on top of grocery shopping, cooking, and eating well all the time. Instead of trying to do everything at once, I hope you try to make small efforts to support yourself tomorrow. Maybe that means cooking a warm breakfast or packing yourself a lunch. This might mean packing yourself snacks in your purse before you leave home. These small loving habits make changes happen over time. 

Talking openly about anxiety, or any mental illness, is a relatively new concept. For many, it can be a terrifying notion. It wasn't that long ago that psychiatric illnesses were not only a blight on the individual but on the whole family, as well. This is finally changing.

Anxiety Talks: It Lies to Us

Anxiety is an insidious beast. It sneaks up on you, lies to you, and undermines every aspect of your life. Most pervasive is the undercurrent of shame that we feel about having anxiety, as though it were a dirty, little secret. It brings about feelings of inadequacy, taunting us with thoughts like, "I'm not good enough," "I'm not strong enough," and "I'm less than."

In addition to the inner battle and the physical symptoms of anxiety disorder, we must also contend with our thoughts about others' perceptions of us, real or imagined, like:

• What are they thinking about me, my moods, my reactions, my unusual behavior?
• Are they treating me differently because of my anxiety?
• Am I getting fewer opportunities because of my anxiety? 
• Are they judging me or my performance differently because of this?

And I might think so many other thoughts as well.

The truth is that people may indeed judge us because of our anxiety—this is because of stigma. Their judgments may influence the way they treat us. Our anxiety only exacerbates the situation by flooding our minds with recurring negative thoughts—often driven by self-stigma—further diminishing our self-esteem and self-worth.

So how do we break the cycle?  

Talking Openly About Anxiety Can Help

At first, the only people outside of my doctor who knew about my anxiety (and depression) diagnosis were my husband and my children. I slowly shared my diagnosis with my siblings, then my best friends. It took over 10 years before I confided in my parents. I told myself that I didn't want to worry them. And because they had both suffered hardships in the Great Depression and World War II, I honestly didn't think they would understand.

I finally told my parents about my diagnosis when I was on sick leave for the third time in 12 years. I told them because I was simply tired of being evasive. They knew I was off work and that I was hiding something but didn't know what. This, I later came to realize, caused them more worry than my illness did. They never judged me. They were inquisitive, loving, and supportive.

I underestimated my parents. Telling them about my anxiety gave them insight into me as a person and gave me support in a place I never thought I'd find it.

Talking to My Coworker About My Anxiety

One day while on a coffee break with one of my coworkers, we started sharing our feelings. It dawned on us both that we were essentially keeping the same secret, that both of us suffered from anxiety. One tiny share led to another, then another. Soon, we were pointing at each other, exclaiming, "Me too!" 

We vowed to keep our revelation to ourselves and support each other through the tough times in a way only a fellow anxiety-sufferer can. When we spoke, it was in private, always in hushed tones, unwilling to divulge our little secret to prying ears.

We spend one-third of our lives at work. Finding support from a coworker can be invaluable. It certainly was for me. 

Talking to My Boss About My Anxiety

I hadn't planned on telling my boss I suffered from anxiety. I went into his office one day for our weekly status. My anxiety was high and escalating quickly. Behind my practiced, calm exterior, I was near tears, and within a few minutes, the flood gates opened, and I broke down.

I was so ashamed. I had collapsed in front of my boss—the single worst person to break down in front of as he could make or break my career. I sobbed and babbled as he gazed calmly at me, attentive, not saying a word.

When I was finally done, he leaned forward and said, "Thank you for telling me. That must have been so hard."

He followed that with supportive talk filled with empathy and compassion.

My boss was an abrasive man. Honestly, I didn't like him much. But on that day, I, once again, found support in a place I never thought I would.

Workplaces that Talk About Mental Health

The company I worked for supported those in its workforce who had mental health challenges. My first anxiety-related sick leave in 2001 was approved, and resources were provided, even though they were rather scant.

As time progressed, their supports improved. By the early-2010s, they:

• Began an open dialog with their employees about the importance of mental health
• Provided enhanced company-paid benefits for therapy
• Built campaigns to cultivate inclusion and help combat stigma related to mental illness
• Fully supported and encouraged employees to participate in initiatives like the annual Bell Let's Talk Day to promote open discussion about mental illness

In late-2010, my son—who also suffers from anxiety—came to intern at my company. I was so proud when he told me he spoke candidly about his anxiety to his coworkers, who, for the most part, were supportive and otherwise unphased. That's progress.

Let's Keep the Conversation Going

Talking openly about anxiety was scary at first, but it got easier. Now, every time I open up about my anxiety disorder, I feel relief. Even when judgment ensues, which is rare, at least I know it's not just all in my head. Tackling an honest, tangible reaction—even a negative one—is far less daunting than dealing with the imagined perceptions my anxiety taunts me with. More often than not, people are curious, compassionate, and supportive. So, let's keep the conversation going.