Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem
Bipolar disorder and ghosting is a big problem. I didn’t realize the extent of this problem until I saw the number of comments on my recent YouTube video, "Ghosting and Bipolar Disorder: Why We Do It".
What is Ghosting? The Role It Plays in Bipolar
Ghosting is a contemporary term used for when a person completely cuts off all communication with a friend or romantic partner by not responding to texts, ignoring calls and acting as if the person no longer exists. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. One day they are a part of your life, and the next day they disappear from it without warning. It negatively impacts friendships and romantic relationships. Ghosting is done by many of us living with bipolar disorder, especially during bipolar depressive episodes.
"I’m guilty of this when I’m hypomanic and in a negative mood and I’m super sensitive and I get easily hurt or angry at people and instead of confronting them, I just ghost them when they try to contact me." ~Xoxofmw, YouTube commenter
Why Do People with Bipolar Disorder Engage in Ghosting?
Those of us living with bipolar disorder definitely have a problem with ghosting people. It doesn't matter whether it's someone we're dating or friends with. Unfortunately, sometimes we're even ghosting our family members.
I have bipolar II and yes, I've ghosted people. Why? It feels more comfortable for me to cut off all communication with another person when I am struggling with highs and lows. Secondly, when I am dating someone, the fear of being rejected due to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder is always present. That makes me push another person away when they get too close. Thirdly, the stigma of mental illness causes severe anxiety in those of us living with bipolar disorder. Although a person we are romantically involved with may not be showing signs of rejecting us due to bipolar, we feel as though it is inevitable that at some point it will happen.
"I just do this on a low episode. I see it as protecting friends from me dragging them down to my level. Plus, in all honesty, I can’t deal with feeling suffocated whilst in the low and just want to be left on my own. It’s easier that way. ~ Claire, YouTube commenter
Self-stigmatizing is another significant reason for ghosting as well. Those of us with bipolar disorder subconsciously believe that we are unlovable and undeserving of friendships and relationships, which causes us to act on ghosting. The stress and pressure to explain the reasons for pushing away creates anxiety; which is where ghosting comes into play.
"I do this a lot. I stop answering phone calls and texts, and avoiding any form of communication with friends and family. In my mind, I don't stop loving them or care for them. I just feel overwhelmed and I feel the need to create a distance between me and them so I can calm down. Now, unfortunately, this can take from a couple days to a couple weeks." ~ Katia, YouTube commenter
The Affect Ghosting Has on Others
Over the years, I have realized that regardless of what is going on in my life, ghosting is hurtful to another person. I have been on both sides of ghosting, and it is very harmful and causes extreme insecurities.
"I just lost a friend who deals with bipolar. She just cut me off. I tried and tried. Dealt with the ups and downs and dealing with my own depression and insecurity, it was very difficult. ~ Embree, YouTube commenter
Bipolar disorder is not an excuse for hurting another person. Although we deal with anxiety and depression and it leads to many of us isolating ourselves, we are still responsible for the way our behavior negatively affects friends, family, and romantic partners. There are people who care about us, and they deserve a proper response even though it is difficult for those of us living with bipolar disorder to do so at times. This is something I am working on as well because I severely struggle with opening up which leads me to ghosting other individuals.
My ex, who's getting well with depression and very positive about her progress, left me since I have bipolar 2 and I isolate myself every once in a while. She doesn't like it since it triggers her. So she broke up with me and told me I can't give her what she needs. ~ Chaz, YouTube commenter
Self-awareness is essential when it comes to behaviors like ghosting. Many people with bipolar disorder do not even realize that this is a problem. Building strong relationships without openness and communication is impossible. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to self-awareness and learning how to properly communicate with others to prevent anyone getting hurt or feeling ignored by someone they care about.
"When I feel like isolating, I "check on" the people around me, my friends in recovery. This way I am not alone, but I am not talking about ME, I am checking on THEM. Seems to help! ~ BipolarLightningBug, YouTube commenter
What about you? How has being ghosted by someone with bipolar disorder affected you? And if living with bipolar disorder and ghosting others has been part of your life, why do you do it? Also, helpful suggestions on how to end this type of behavior are welcomed.
Blum, H. (2019, January 28). Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, November 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/living-with-bipolar-blog/2019/1/bipolar-disorder-and-ghosting-its-a-big-problem
Author: Hannah Blum
Thanks, this article helped putting some things in perspective, but I'm still at a loss. I'm pretty convinced my girlfriend has bipolar, but she's never been diagnosed. A lot of symptoms match, but not all of them.
I'll tell my story, hoping someone will be able to tell me their thoughts or give some advice.
I’m 41. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year. It took a while for the relationship to take off, because she’s been through an insane amount of trauma throughout her life, and over the past few years especially: her dad (undiagnosed bipolar) took his life, she got divorced, her highly successful career fell apart, and other heavy stuff.
She rebuilt herself as a highly independent woman, taking care of her two children and a new business she started (which she’s very passionate about but it’s not generating enough income thus far which is super scary), and was really not looking for anything serious. Nevertheless, love found us, and it was so special and right, that my patience paid off. We’ve lived an insane amount of stuff over our time together. We became partners, best friends, I developed an amazing relationship with her kids, and things between us were generally amazing. Except that at times, it would still come up that it wasn’t the life she had planned (she left an unhappy marriage that made her feel trapped, and she wanted to be a solo, independent woman), and every so often she would say that she can’t give me what I want (proper commitment). But things would always get better, and everything just felt right.
She's also often in a dark, sad place and feels desperate with a total lack of motivation or taste for life, but she’s a generally functional person (she has to, for her kids), so she would always manage to stand up again after a really bad day, and be active. So it's never the 'two weeks in bed completely paralyzed' kind of situation that I often read about, which has me wondering.
We had a terrible phase in the spring, she broke up with me, and we were apart for about 6 weeks. She said and did some things that were super hurtful, and I was a complete, utter mess (had to take xanax for the first time in my life).
She was having a huge manic episode, so she was very confident in what she was doing, no second thoughts. Again, she’s never been diagnosed, but so many things made it a textbook case of bipolar mania (poor judgement, hypersexuality, recklessness with her money, heightened productivity, etc.).
Through a series of circumstances, things eventually improved, and we had a perfect few months after that.
The past month however, took a huge toll on us. Some things (outside of our couple) highly triggered her, she felt she had to focus more on the kids and the business, and there was a communication breakdown, while communicating had always been one of our fortes.
Now she dumped me again, saying she can’t give me what I want, can’t be faithful (a desire for promiscuity/an open relationship seems to be a recurring thing during these phases), needs to be alone and focus on herself, the kids and the business, etc. There are other signs of mania (heightened productivity, irritability, raging - even though that never gets insane: she's not a violent person, and we normally have a positive, loving dynamic). It's been a lot of ghosting, with no willingness for dialogue. I feel invisible.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I would accept it and let it go, if what we had (minus these phases) wasn’t so rare and special. Believe me, I’m not delusional, what we have at our core really is all that. I’m hearing all this crap now, whereas only a few weeks back, all I was hearing was, I’m a gift, I’m perfect for her, she’s committed to me, we’re better together, my presence is awesome for the kids, etc.
It seems like she’s punishing herself, and is unable to love herself and to be kind to herself (she told me 'it's way too late for me to be kind to myself). She feels that she can’t give. But that’s completely at odds with how everything looks when things are normal. I’m scared that since this is the second such episode in 4 months, it could be more permanent than the one in the spring. Like, even if she comes out of the mania…she would feel discouraged, or would simply prefer to get over it and move on, convincing herself that she's meant to be alone.
Now she's saying she's good and optimistic, but isn't really reaching out. Other than saying she misses me too, she's saying the space is good for her.
So I'm trying to understand what's going on, and besides some super heavy trauma she's been through and some boundary issues, so many things seem to match with bipolar: phases where she's obsessed with being productive, skewed judgment and paranoia, opinions about us changing radically, symptoms of hypersexiaulity and a strong desire for independence, a sense of feeling great which seems temporary, and irritability. And then, the underlying feeling of sadness and despair, pessimism, and lack of joy or motivation, even though none of that is necessarily obvious on the surface.
Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated!
I can't say much, just that bipolar disorder doesn't always fit the textbook description line for line. I have it and I never went through promiscuous stages and I also never spent money wildly like some do. I would get depressed but not stay in bed like some people do and like you described your girlfriend. I can't tell you if she has bipolar disorder, though from your description, I would see why you might think so, but I can tell you that every person who has it is different and the textbook descriptions aren't always accurate in my opinion.
Your story is almost exactly the same as mine! Except I'm the girlfriend. I know he's bipolar, he has every symptom. I've tried telling him but as a "manly man" I think he knows I'm right but refuses to go get help. We have had the perfect relationship for years now except for his symptoms but he never has acted out on me. Then over the last several weeks I stated noticing an increase in his symptoms. Then I noticed him beling less affectionate with me and distancing from me. I finally confronted him and he basically said I'm beautiful and wonderful and our relationship is great but basically he's still unhappy. I'm not even sure if he broke up with me or not. I'm not sure he knows. He still calls and texts and shows up at my house. He still hugs me but won't kiss me. It's all very strange and confusing and it hurts . So I don't even know if we are together or not. I believe he's been in a mixed episode for weeks now. He's displayed symptoms the whole relationship but he'd usually snap out of it in a few days. If our relationship wasn't so good and he wasn't such a wonderful person I would just walk away. Now I'm left not knowing what I can do to save this when he won't seek help for himself.
Im glad i found this page! My teen is grieving her sudden breakup from her bipolar boyfriend. "Ghosted" is an understatement. Their energies matched so perfectly. They were like 2 peas in a pod. So perfect together that after a week of being a public couple, ppl were voting for them as homecoming queen and king. Then he started distancing himself. Instead of hugging her back, he would shove her away. His snaps diminished over the course of a week, he ignored her in the hall. Then he texted her and said he was under severe stress, sports every day, having to get straight a's, being new in high school. Plus he had a torn ligament that had just that day re tore. I spoke to his mom, who also said that he talked to her about how much he loved my daughter, but when he has a girlfriend he wants to give all his attention to her, and he didnt have time to give, plus he was a mess with bipolar. I cannot imagine how much worse this poor kid will get before he is even 21. Thats 7 yesrs away! Already he has left a trail of broken hearts a mile long, and is already going to a dance he had asked my daughter to, with another girl. My daughter is SO CONFUSED!
Any advice is welcome. I hate to see her suffering.
I am going through something similar, the only difference is my gf is medicated and she is aware of her mood swings, lows and highs. When we started dating we each had our own lives doing our own routines, but the closer we got the slowly we became co-dependent, and we started to spend all our time together practically we were living together. At first everything was easy and stable, love and communication was flowing. Then she hit a low episode, where she even was scared for her own life, over the last 4-5 weeks she continued to stay with me and we wouldn't talk much, I was just taking care of her basic needs such as food ,and support. Then unfortunately I got a job on a different state. At first everything was easy, myself I had insecurities because I've been cheat on, and she was so helpful reassuring everything. we continued to talk everyday all day, until one day after she went out on her own, and got drunk, next day she was silent like she's never been before, no contact, she called me that night but I noticed she was different, I tried to help, but she just pushed me away, she continued to communicate when she talked to her male friends Saying" ey I am talking to my X and Y friend" I just want you to know. Then she continued to ghost me, but my insecure persona tried to help and be there for her, until one day she called and told me that she was going through a low and she was sorry for being distant and that she needed space, so I gave it to her, no contact at all. she also told me that I need to learn that I am not her only support person. We did not talk at all for the rest of the week, until on Saturday I decided to call her, she was distant and quiet, then I proceeded to start a convo but it didn't work, I asked her if she was gonna visit me but she said " no I don't think I can" then I proceeded to ask when? and she said maybe October. We hung up the call and she texted sayin " hey I am just feeling disconnected and off, and I need space right now, I am sure its just a phase, sometimes confiding to you can be draining because not everything needs to be intense, I feel like I am loosing myself to you and making my days around you I need space for now" I didn't reply, but at 3 am she told me ey wanna fall asleep on facetime tmw? I didnt reply until next day " and I just said I would like to" then on sunday she texted me and called me, we even ft for a while, she got my some stuff I needed and then we proceeded to talk about the incidents and how sometimes when shes going down to a low, she need someone she can rely on, and we she saw I was emotionally strong cuz I was worried she went even more low, I apologized for bringing my insecurities so often, I told her I was going to be better. Shes was like sometimes I need to isolate to recover and I want you to know that even if we dont talk for a week, or even a month I still love you and I want to be with you and have a family etc. she also stated that since Ive moved out she realized that all the progress she made and I made was based on each others presence, and when that was taken away she was to square 0 so she was trying to get back up but she didnt wanted to generate a codependency, because she want to figure out herself I agreed, because I need to work on me. Also she said that we dont have to call eachother all day, that its healthy we have our own routine. we agreed and we been doing that. After sunday we have barely talked. short and minimal texting but I know she talks to other people (friends)
but its taken the best of me because a wanna talk to her and be a better support I just dont know what to do
My frank advice: end it. It will go on forever and ever. One day you'll turn round and realise you spent years or decades consumed by this person, and did not achieve anything else in life. It becomes like a drug, if you let it. Healthy love should not feel that difficult That's my experience with a very similar type of situation
Great advice. I agree. I needed your advice too. Thank you.
So glad I found this page, it's like the support group and therapy i never had. I'm going thru the exact same thing, still grieving, still hurting. I wanna let go but can't. Part of me wants to be there with him, yet part of me feels like i trigger him. He's gone from the sweetest being to pushing me away overnight, and he's not coming back. Whilst I know it's for the better of me too, i still worry for him. Sadly he now treats strangers better than he does me. He responds and shows up for them but ghosts me. He knows it hurts me and continues doing so. I just wish i could let go
I just read all the comments on this page, and for the first time in 2 weeks I feel less alone. At the same time, my heart bleeds for every one of you who is experiencing exactly the same thing as me.
My boyfriend and me are together for 4 years. I fell for him because he was the kindest guy I met in years. But already in the beginning of our relationship, some things were not quite right. After a month of dating he dissapeared for the first time. Nothing happened, no fight or anything between us. He just ghosted me from one day to the other. A few weeks later, he called, and said that he had a panic attack, related to the trauma from his ex girlfriend. I believed him. But from then on, he dissapeared every few weeks/months. For days, weeks, or one time even 3 months. Also, some times he suddenly could become very angry, out of nowhere. When I asked:"this isn't from trauma from your ex girlfriend, is it? Please be honest with me, what is wrong exactly?". He answered:"I don't know. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed"
I'm a highly sensitive person myself, I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. But I never ghost people.
So I knew that he wasn't telling the truth.
And then the years passed. The silent treatments kept happening every few months.
And then this summer was better. He seemed more consistent, no more silent treatments or angryness anymore. But then, suddenly, 2 weeks ago, he cancelled last minute for a date with a very cold, distant whatsapp message. 3 days before he was still loving and kind, so I was shocked. But I stayed calm and loving and I replyed that I was dissapointed that he cancelled only our date. But not al the hangouts with his friends that same week. (He spends a loooot of time with his friends, but I've never made that a problem) I also replied that his mood seemed totally off all of a sudden, and that I was worried. I asked if we could talk about it and I even put a heart in the reply, to show him that I was not angry. But one second later, he blocked me on whatsapp and phone (not on social media). He has never blocked me in 4 years, so I am shocked.
At first I thought he had a very low mood again. But then I saw on IG that he was spending time with his friends, and was laughing (he is 46 years old). And I heard his yogateacher who said:"He acts as if everything is fine, he comes to yoga class every day", and seeing/hearing that was even more traumatizing. I'm completely shocked and heartbroken and I can't believe this is happening. I'm blocked/ghosted for more than 2 weeks now. I've been nothing but the kindest girlfriend in those 4 years, he said himself a couple of times that "I'm the kindest person he knows". So ... why is he doing this? During those 4 years there were a lot of times that I thought:"Maybe he is bipolar?", but one time I asked him this and he became so angry that I didn't mention it ever again. But now, with reading all those comments, I think he is bipolar indeed. 😔
It seems, that your diagnosis about him is right.
The question is, what do you expect from the relationship?
I am not ironic, just realistic. Think about it.
I get that bittersweet feeling knowing you’re not alone. I was so blindsided, it’s like I lived with a stranger for year. She was up front about some mental health issues but only shared the tip of the ice berg… I never could have predicted everything that happened, the way she left… it’s been like a nightmare come true. Hang in there things keep getting better, even when it feels hopeless I swear
I am so surprised by all of the stories so similar to mine. A difference… my experience was 30 years ago. I still feel the devastation at times. He was my high school sweetheart. We were together for 3 years. Amazing loving memories with him. He got me a promise ring and soon after everything changed. He began drinking and taking LSD. I suddenly wasn’t his priority. Being emotionally immature I was really upset that his priorities had drastically changed and he was wanting to party all the time. Before this point I was his world. I blame myself still today and feel as if I pushed him away. I regret the way that I handled it. I still feel like a fool for how I acted during this time because I basically lost it and went places that I knew he would be. Seeing his FB profile and hearing from mutual friends he has been an alcoholic for many years. He now looks 20 years older than he is. Why does my heart still pine for him. Really trying to process this to finally get over the loss of him. When they ghost you it makes you feel so insignificant and disposable. These events in my late teenage years led me to to have low self esteem and make many bad choices in men.
I pray for all of you. I really do understand your pain!!!
Honey I had the same thing happen to me. Was with my high school sweetheart for 3 years. Suddenly his priorities changed. He was spending a lot more time with his friends when I had been his world before that. He started doing a lot of drugs like LSD. It’s like a switch flipped. I was devastated and I am ashamed even to this day of how desperate I acted. I pushed him away further. This has now been 39 years ago and I still hurt inside and miss him so much. I wonder if he thinks about me. We had just gotten engaged. J I have so many regrets on how I handled myself and devalued myself.
Don’t obsess over him. Don’t force him to have contact with you or go places that you know he will be. Love yourself and know that this is not about what you are not. This is about his illness. I know it still hurts.
I run the other direction when bipolar issues start flying. I was born with a severe autoimmune chronic lung disease. It takes very little to send me to the hospital. I feel sorry for bipolar people. If they refuse to get help and therapy and are in the middle of a 4-alarm storm, I run the opposite direction and call the police to get them out of my home and away from me. I wish it wouldn't be this way, but I have been threatened by one specific bipolar out of control person. I am 68. I am tired. I now own a firearm.
I have been seeing a person with bipolar for the past 6 months. Things had been going great we where very open about our own struggles had great communication and conversation. The last time we hung out we had an amazing night and morning everything was great then i went on a holiday when I got back and got a message that took me by surprise. They didnt want to be in a partnership anymore only friends for a few listed reasons (One being under immense pressure from work which i understand stress can lead to a withdraw). Then cut off communication other then the occasional email back and forth. We havent seen eachother for over a month and never had a conversation other then through text since. They are someone i deeply care about and we are meeting soon for lunch and a concert we had bought tickets for. Wondering what is the best strategy for me to help support them and make them feel comfortable in whatever capacity our friendship takes from here. Also being aware it is tough on my own mental health processing the emotions that go along with someone withdrawing like this.
Is there any news on your situation, Sam?
I was ghosted by me neighbor who has bipolar disorder it hurt a lot
She was a user and entitled anytime she needed something she would ask for my help I would oblige, then one day when I couldn’t take her call she got mad and decided to “ghost” me even though I tried calling her back to see if everything was ok. Sorry I can’t be at her every beck and call waiting on her needs hand and foot I was in class when she called twice in a row. When she would get what she wanted she would toss me to the side I forgave her many times and told myself it’s ok, well it’s NOT ok not acceptable. When I texted her the next day to ask her if everything was ok since I missed her call she said “she’s busy” excuse me she’s a stay at home mom I work all week and have an entire home to manage as well as personal appointments to keep every day after work… who called who to bother them? She called me it wasn’t the other way around so when you say your “busy” don’t blow up my phone the day before because I am 10 times more busy than you are juggling my career, house work and personal responsibilities while you are a stay at home mom who looks at her window and spies on our neighbors all day long. Anyway now she does not speak to me she ignores me and if she sees me she pretends as if I am dead and put a sticker on her car that says “not today satan” lady are you talking to me? She has issues she’s a user throws people to the side when she gets what she needs out of them and if you can’t take her call one time she will discard you as if you never existed in her phone book or life. She will go to hell for her ghosting and say hi to satan every day in her afterlife for the hurt she has caused becuse I was nothing but nice and helpful to her and all I got in return was a slap to the face, very hurtful and rude. I never ever once asked her to help me I am very self sufficient she always needed my help and now I am ghosted. That’s why I decided to no longer help people who are users.
I'm going through this now...I love my lady but I feel I'm just there when she needs me when she feels like. We had a great date out on Saturday it was awesome she was smiling and happy. The next day she says it's over she doesn't want ro see me ever again...ouch that hurts. That night I was I. My way to get my tools and she said ant it wait I Saud I'm 10 minutes away and I've 40 minutes away
So she went off all vx she wanted to leave ...I've been blocked on social media and phone. I. Worried about her but not knowing where she is has kept me up . We've been together about4 years...she's amazing in every way. I get told to give up...how do yiu give up on someone you truly love.! Don't kmkw where you are Jamie but I love you please come home -
Wow what is this same everything for me
I'm pretty much dealing with the exact same thing with my boyfriend right now.
My mom has a mental illness she's not making an appointment to see a therapist and I would like her to make an appointment to see one she has a doctor and she's not telling her doctor she has a mental illness and I would like her to stop talking to me and no longer come in my room. Calls all her sisters on her phone and tells them there's bugs in parasites in the house and there is not and she comes in my room and tells me that nonsense and there is no bugs and parasites in my room and I'm getting sick of her stupid bug and parasite nonsense.
Hi Jeremy, when my Mum was having episodes like that, paranoid and seeing aliens, it was because her thyroid was extremely low. Please have her thyroid tested, it controls everything in our body and brain. I hope she will be ok.
I realize how I have been ghosting so much person ! How hurtful it surely have been for them, and I feel for me a kind of auto-sabotage.
When I think about it, maybe it felt like a need for space, and that's what I expressed, but I don't think that's the point. Maybe because I prefer living with people around, I came to attribute it to a lack of communication due to depressive state. A lack of communication and of self esteem, that makes you feel you don't belong here, with these (amazing) people. And as you don't feel at your place anywhere better being alone, plus it avoid these people you esteem so much seing you in such a shameful state, or being a weight for them. And because at this moment you don't know how to communicate, and just trying to think about how you could reply, and if you have to justify, if you should lie or explain a so complicated, obscure and intimate at once part of yourself, and all of this makes you so anxious but you can't choose a solution, you just try to avoid it. And that can often appear a disinterest in others or lack of empathy, while it's avoidance.
That's personally how I live ghosting from my side, and these are neither excuses nor reasons, just an attempt to make it understandable.
My advices if someone like me is ghosting you ? Not sure it's the good think to do with every person with bipolar, I can just try to analyze what have made that some of my friends achieved to keep a relation with me over time and help me live a social life while having my disorder.
And first of all is look after you, don't neglect your needs (emotional, affective..) in order to help a bipolar person, it won't do good to any of you. You can try to work over things together and ameliorate, but don't expect it to happen, at least don't count on it. This can be a hard to find balance in a relation where commitment is needed..
But if the relationship, whereas sometime chaotic, is good for you, taking into account the disorder can help you two a lot. What I observed : Showing that what you seek when your friend doesn't respond during a long time is not a justification, just that you care/miss about her/him. What I observed eased this is like sending a message about a specific interest you share, that has nothing to do with your preoccupation about him/her or his state. This opens to him an easy way to answer and break the ghosting.
You can let her/him know how his distance hurt your feelings, but maybe more at a moment the other person is comfortable communicating and has some self-esteem. Make it clear it's because you like your relationship that it hurt, not because he's a mess, and that instead of closing on himself he can count on you when in a down period. The proposal here is very helpful, but you also have to establish your personal boundaries if you come to a situation where you are effectively supporting him/her, because the risk is he/she will always be at unease abusing your help and feel a burden, or effectively abuse it without being able to open the communication on it to solve this. So setting clearly your boundaries in support is a win win.
I'm sorry if the text look too much like I'm giving you the solutions listen to me, whereas writing in this form is easier for me than expressing at the first person what I lived and what I concluded worked the best for me. But don't be mistaken, it's nothing more than the second option.
Ugh you feel so foolish and used when you realize it was all just like everything else with them, fake… she was the master could flip hysterical tears off and on like that… the things I know now are so upsetting and hard to understand it broke trying to understand. I’m still on recovery and honestly it’s cost me almost everything at this point. These women are insidious and malicious, no matter what your heart tells you they meant to you they did it all with the intent of hurting you this deeply one day and leaving you dramatically to make you their next horror story. You knew it from the start, it was only a matte a time, she lied every single day
Some things will always hurt, it makes me feel so pathetic that even after knowing all I know now and how she used me and abused me I still miss her to death, not the real her but the her I loved and thought loved me
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You said it, mine used to say how much strength I gave her, even after she left she said she never would have been strong enough to leave me lol 😂 cause that’s what you say to someone you miss terrible and will do anything to work it out with… she was just waiting for any excuse to then collaborate her she’s the victim and I’m crazy story, she faked an emergency to leave them ran off to either a biker gang bang or a shelter for battered homeless women she’s rich and had family and even empty bedrooms and people in the area it was all an elaborate setup.. hah you never expect someone who promised you at the deepest level they’d never hurt you in just that way to leave and never even look at you again. Later I found out more but it’s all too much and crazy the things she said hurt so deeply how they flip it all around and make everything you loved into something ugly… tell you it’s all you… I never raised a hand to her, or yelled at her… women like her abuse the system and don’t care who’s lived they destroy it’s all a take to them… I was a game to her some practice a goal… she never loved me I know that now and it always hurts, she used me from the start to grow and then crippled my emotional and mental health it’s been the hardest thing for me to come back from … I truly loved a lie
been thinking about this a lot lately… I miss companionship so much but I don’t want to get close to anyone. I do but how could I after the nightmare my ex who I was so so sure what the one put me through. I’d probably start crying if I got a big hug from someone not in my family.. it’s like everything keeps getting worse and worse and I just feel so sick of trying and being used… I don’t know how to live like this anymore I can’t do anything I can’t even be there for people who need me now more than ever. I lost my career my health my sanity for this person who hates me and did the crueling things anyone ever has to me on purpose… it’s so sick and shocking and I know I need to move on but how can I when it Always hurts !?!!
I wish this we’re true for me. But it's getting hard to believe I'll ever feel normal again.. I feel so pathetic I let someone like this ruin me as a person.
I drove around all night thinking about everything trying to escape. I have a few family members dying or and recently passed away, Ive been in treatment for ptsd and recovering from severe emotional abuse for so long.
I keep driving to all these places trying to forget but no matter where I got I cry alone in the car and see reminders of my ex. I don’t think I knew a real person but I missed the lie I loved. I never mattered I’ve had to face the hardest times of my life while trying to cope with this crippling pain from all the things they did.. how far they went to hurt me and ruin my life in all the ways she promised to always be there..
I want to give up everyday, I keep telling people I’m trying and don’t better but I can’t even work and am barely hanging on. I feel so trapped and alone and I can’t explain to anyone why it hurts so deeply.. I’ve never felt so hurt and depressed for so long, now everyone else is leaving my life too and I keep wondering why I try. I just want to stop and not hurt anyone but I know there’s k way but what’s the point when I have ptsd from the love of my life hah I just want to be in a coma and not wake up I wish I never existed. I'll never understand how people can play the victim even if it costs someone else everything. I hate how much it skies hurts no matter what I learn about in therapy or groups I don't think I'll ever get over the shock, some days I wake up
Crying and don't really stop..still
It's insane how could I have tears left!! When does it end ! I can't live like this I'm not even a real person anymore she tried to turn me into her when we met and nothing has ever messed me up so badly. Then to be labeled the abusive one, soulless cowards... how do they live with themselves
Yeah it never really stops hurting and then thr more you find put the worse it gets..
Hey, carol it took my breathe away, not in a good way when I found out what my ex really was. The double life, controlling abuse tactics from the start. Being ignorant of something, in this case the depths that people with major personality disorders will sink.. isn’t anything to feel ashamed of or foolish about. You loved the person they wanted you to see unconditionally, you are capable of that kind of love… they devoid of any real emotions besides what suits their needs. They rest they make up or lie about. I’m not saying you don’t have every right to feel abused and violated, the way they hurt and use is so sinister. It takes time but you can heal I promise, don’t let the KLMs of the world steal your heart.. they will never feel whole or anything but what their hurt guides them too… yet run away from facing it. I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire of her mental illness, hang in there it gets easier…
I appreciate it, I couldn’t justify ghosting someone I lived with because it’s what I need at the time then set new unfair boundaries on a long term relationship. If I get into another relationship one day or ever cared about a person in anyway I couldn’t do that to someone knowing how painful it is. I just feel used and hurt all the time and it’s cost me everything I ever worked for as far as emotional growth, self worth, career, mental health.. I never imagined how low she would sink and now it’s like everything I knew about this person I thought was forever was a lie.. it’s such a horrible way to live.. you can empower ghosting and silent treatment all you want it’s selfish and manipulative.. but I’m not here to hate on you.. I just want to feel normal and not have ptsd and be able to move on from the hurt
I am so glad I came across this article, and reading the comments, realize I am not alone. I have been with my boyfriend, on and off, for almost 7 years. During the first 3-4 years, his ghosting me was much more frequent. The last 3 years have been much better in terms of his ghosting me. We became a lot closer during the pandemic and started talking about our future…there is a ring that he is making payments on. Things between us were better than ever. I do not know if he was ever officially diagnosed with BPD, but he has often mentioned feeling depressed and has alluded to BPD in the past. He recently started a new job/business. The past few months he has been more inconsistent with being in contact with me. At this point, I have not heard from him in 6 weeks. He has not responded to any text messages. I am not sure if he is coming back this time, even though before he went MIA, he told he loved me more than ever. I cry all the time and my heart aches. I love him, but this is torture.
I feel for you I'm going through the same thing my girlfriend leaves all time and ghosts me and it kills me and feels like she doesn't care but she ditches her two kids with me and takes our only car so I'm stuck at home imprisoned and idk what to do I want to just end it and kick her out but then she is so sweet and loving and we talk and things seem fine and as soon as Im comfortable with her she runs away again and I'm getting so depressed I've had bad thoughts cross my mind ..I try to talk to her but nothing changes she uses it as excuse to not care and almost seems like she is trying to hurt me idk what to do it I give her an ultimatetum she won't do well with it but I'm at the end of my rope and want us.all to get help but she wont even go see a doctor and tty to get help she is unmedicated and I'll scared she may leave and kill herself so I worry and she ghosts me
I’m sorry you are going through that. Your situation is certainly more complicated since kids are involved. Maybe talking to someone yourself, regardless if she joins you, will help you. Try to remember that you can’t control her behavior and what she does has nothing to do with you. Good luck!
My bipolar bf has been gone for 3 weeks now ghosted me after 3 years deleted me from everything and is off running a muck with his friends getting high and sabotaging his whole life once again. I know this time is the last time I'm letting this continue. But it's hard being thrown away by someone you gave everything too. I don't know how to cope with this disease it's horrible on my mental health.
“Torture”, I couldn’t have described it any better. I know exactly what your going through and it’s so hard. It’s been over 3 months for me now and I am just confused and don’t know if anything was ever real. Replaying moments and trying to understand if it’s the personality or is it the bipolar and it’s just confusing. Still regardless of whether it’s the bipolar that’s at the root it doesn’t excuse the harm that has been done. Anyways please take care, and know your not alone.
It’s a nightmare living after being with someone so insidious, they have no soul just care about their immediate concerns and make up excuses for their horrible behavior later… the things I have found out since are shocking she is some cruel intentions type rich girl and I was like her pet
Cruel intentions is what I always reference too. I don’t think they are completely devoid of emotions, theirs are just so warped what they feel is often inappropriate for the situation. It’s black and white with relationships with them. They end up passing on their pain and hating whoever their with no matter what, it’s so hard to get over but there’s always hope if you just keep trying I promise
I wonder about the cruel intentions stuff a lot too. Her best friends were only people who paid attention when she had drama, she loved being a part of these womens groups or support groups for whatever she self diagnosed, it’s so sick to be used by someone you truly love at such a difficult time and just left like you never mattered.. she accused me and acted like I was guilty set me up and lied over and over about things you just don’t lie about. It seems like a nightmare still when I think about it all and what it’s done to me. I’d give anything to feel normal again and have my life and piece of mind back. She stole things from me it took a lifetime to earn, she’s never had to work for a thing in her life… she’ll never understand how much damage her selfish cruelty does to people
Hey 🐵.. I’ve been through a lot since you left. I don’t want to be angry anymore or feel trapped by the pain of being used and discarded, then accused and setup. You did what you had to do for you, no matter how selfish and twisted. You can call it what you need to it doesn’t matter anymore Ill always know in my soul you are a Manipulive fraud of a person, and you need to be a victim over having any real moral or sense of human decency… I’m at a place where I can finally accept that.. I lost my 6 figure salary and everything I built for muscle because of you, no matter how you frame it you tortured me and called me the love of your life stringing me along for months ruining my mental health at an already diffficult time. It’s the deepest most damaging set of things a person has ever done in my life, I feel very kicked used and setup not just with how you left but that you would promise all those things to parts of me you claimed were hurt in you then twist it all so cruelly and out of blue.. you need fantasy to live fine KT have it. But I am ready after all this loss and a year and a half of the worse emotional torture I’ve felt, the greatess sense of worthlessness and depression, I have panic attacks now and crippling anxiety.. never ever once before but you can’t understand what it did to me.. waiting days then weeks and Ben months.. we spent every minute together then that?? Well I knew what buttons to push and how to coax what you needed out of me while I was suffering and needed you u made my life hell and my worst nightmares come true. So please you might not agree and that’s fine say whatever you need to for the rest of your life Katie.. you’re lying to yourself and for validation of your abuse And years kr manipulation.. I just want to be done done… for good..
I’m seeing new docs and trying things that are finally helping me get over this and start my new life but you won’t let me… I was done befor eh filed the first time.. that broke me when I was finally healing for all this time.. it was wrong. You were wrong to leave how you did and label me. I loved you and tucked u in with kids and would have worked on anything like you always promised we would. In all those deeply meaningful ways that were lies.. can you understand how twisted that all was from you! The queen kr mental health and u ruined mine with some sick joy and power and pride… I don’t deserve how you labeled me or left, how you tricked me and bent the situation to have me packing for you while u setup this victim story.. I should have stayed and Made you face me but you are just a coward ghosting user… you will never understand what you stole from me and how much damage you did.. it’s so sick because it’s all the ways you said you were abused! And you’d do them to me when I thought we were finally going to live again.. I look back now and realize a lot of what always went on behind my back hah while my back was turned. Things I cheered u in for even… it’s so disgusting.. you should pay for my doc bills god knows now.. from what I saw I didn’t want to look anymore I can’t believe I thought I knew you and loved you more deeply than anyone only to be your stepping stone and practice husband, your stepping stone for growth while you steal the strength I earned and needed to feel whole.
Please just stop now and drop your crap so I can move on with my life and you can done. I was done forever before u did that.. I can be done again but it has to stop. Do one decent human act towards me please? I need to move on. Let me.. stop trying to keep this sick thread to me, I was dealing with mental health issues too so am hoping things u claimed to be… what you did and how u treated me is wrong and sick.. I’ll never believe otherwise.. but I don’t believe you’re evil, just ill. Please just let me mourn my fam and move on with my life now. You stole so much just give me freedom that’s all I ask. Be a smidgen of the person u promised me you were.. I know she was pretend now but she was the love of my life.. just stop using me u broke me already what else do u want… oh I have an eating disorder, panic attacks suicidal depression.. you turned me into you when we met and said I was weak in all the ways u used to praise me for giving u strength and coming in your life.. you twisted it all whe. I was in the wowed place! I hate thinking about it and I don’t want to anymore.. stop the need to control my life and have power over me and let me go so we can both move on… please Katie.. take your sympathy twist it all forever I don’t care anymore.. just stop and I promise we’re done forever. U were my everything, I never could or would have done the things u accused me of and none of that was remotely right or fair .,, it never will be.. but u can be decent and stop torturing me now .. I will do the same just stop tho I was done a year ago until U had to get your victim story in and the pics
Thing.. it’s ridiculous you abused those laws and used me then emotionally tortured me to call me crazy and blame me… you know it’s true and most people do tbh you’re just fooling yourself rich girl with too much time and forever the victim.. let me go stop the bondage legal bs, u should be in jail for false accusations not pushing it more.. goodbye please .. let me mourn and rebuild my life
After a year it got ridiculous, like how!!! Do I still have tears left! I get it, it is torture. I couldn’t even think straight the first 6 months or so it was such an utter mind F.. she kept doing that saying the most heartfelt things dangling hope for months, it messed me up. Feel better champ, if you ever wanna talk I understand, and it gets easier slowly but surely I pro
I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now. We've been together for 4 years. We were friends in high school, reconnected in our early 30's and it was magic. I never forgot about him after high school. I served in the military and have met so many men and there is no one else in the world like him. He consistently ghosts me every autumn and comes back around right around Christmas/New Years. Everytime I never know if he will come back. Last year I made a huge mistake and dated one of his good friends during this time period. His friend was a moron and I was about to end things with him anyways when my boyfriend returned in January. Needless to say, my bf was and is extremely hurt and I don't know if this time around is the big one. I 100% absolutely understand his hurt, but at the same time he disappeared and I was lonely. I was only intimate with that other guy 3 times and it was terrible, nothing like the fireworks between me and my bf. I didn't think he was coming back. So here I am again, 1 year later all alone wondering if he will return.
We just had the most AMAZING Halloween weekend, and his switch flipped on Wednesday. We were JUST laying in each others arms professing love and making plans for the future a few days ago. His anger puzzles me. He called me the next day, super drunk and informed me that he has a date this Sunday. He refused to tell me who she is but I know damn well who he's been talking to. He's never seen anyone else during these ghosting periods before and I am terrified. What if they fall in love? I must love him unconditionally- I'll get over it if he hooks up with her and realizes it was a mistake. IDK what to do- just give him space and wait, or let go because he's clearly been talking to this girl for some time now. Is he still going to come back this time? He blocked my phone and social media. I love him more than anything, I can't think about anything else. No words can describe the desperation, panic and sorrow I feel.
Hey, I know it hasn’t been that long but are things any better? It’s been almost 2 years now and I swear I can just think about it all at any given time and start sobbing.. grr I always look sad and scared now, because I am 😞 I never used to be scared or I could always force myself, I don’t know how to live again now life is just pain management and trying to be ok but I’m failing
I know this article is a little older but I just found it. My boyfriend of 3 years (off and on) ghosted me for 12 days until I just heard from him. He broke up with me last spring (2021) due to being confused on what he wanted. 3 months later after some therapy (which he was opposed to) he reached out and said he wanted to try again and was working on himself. We did couples counseling to work on our communication style differences but that stopped and his individual therapy stopped in Dec. He's never been on medication or officially diagnosed but 2 weeks ago he broke down saying he hated living in Colorado, he needed to move back to be closer to his kids and he isn't sure what he wants anymore. He said he needed to process and then NOTHING for 2 weeks. I didn't reach out as I didn't want to push him further away, but was checking with his friend to make sure he was ok. Long story short, he sent me a cryptic email with thoughts all over the place this weekend and then we met in person to talk. He said he doesn't have the mental ability to give to a relationship (me) and loved me but was sorry. He said he is going to get help. I'm so broken and sad because I want to be there to help him, seeing my best friend struggle is so hard. :( I know I have to let him heal and move on with my life--it's just really hard after having gone through a divorce and then finally found someone I wanted to spend my life with.
I'm right there with you. I don't have any advice and am struggling myself, but you're not alone if that helps at all. The suddenness is still jarring after being told you're their person and that they still love you. The not being able to help them while you can see their struggling hurts.
I was on the same situation.I’m a widower and vulnerable.I met a guy online that I thought it was perfect for me my best friend and a soulmate.But after a a couple of weeks dating I noticed something wrong him.He decided to take medications and the side effects just killing him.Until to the point that he blamed me for how he feels.He didn’t take responsible for his own actions.He became very cold to me,not answering my text messages, and phone calls.And screaming at me and very abusive.He want space he felts he was suffocated with our relationship.That hurts me!As I was so attached to him we talked 3 times a day and texting constantly for 2 months.But then every morning he would send a text “good morning hope you have a great day”.And the 3 days later asked if he can call.I was hurt and don’t wanna talk.A week later I decided to talked to him.He told me all the excuses why it’s hard for the relationship to continue.It’s sounds he breaking up with but don’t want me to go either.So I was confused and decided to end the relationship at that night.And then a week later his calling me again from a different phone number because I blocked everywhere.He doesn’t stop calling and texting.And it’s like nothing happened.One day I answered him he wanna talk about what’s going on in his life and mine.It’s a friendly talked.That’s it!Im happy that I got out that toxic relationship.I got back my life and happy again.
I can forgive you for being sick, but I can't forgive you ignoring it and ruining lives to make yourself a little easier. You haven't been remotely fair, you've been cruel in ways ill never understand, and wouldn't want to. I'm done hurting, you have to live with it now, I've suffered enough for 1 lifetime, it's my turn to be free.
Awareness and communication go a very long way! You're doing great, keep going.
My ex-fiance and I were together 7. years. We lived together from the beginning, pretty much, as I was living with mutual friends and everyone hung out a lot and I was trying to escape my crazy, abusive family after moving out of there and moved in with him. He was my rock, he fully took on financially supporting me, etc. He's always disappeared a lot and ghosted everyone, including family. I would pretend to leave him and move my stuff and then I couldn't get in touch with him to go back. When I'd go back, it took about a week to calm him down as he was really agitated and a complete mess. Once he said "why didn't you come sooner?" Three years ago, when we were between apartments, my worst nightmare happened. I was at my parents as we were in a fight and he completely disappeared. During the three years, he did go to therapy once and then ghosted her too. He moved to another state also. I feel so helpless. I've never been more sad about anything or felt more like nobody understands. My therapist says nobody CAN tell me if he's coming back or not as no one else was there. I feel so alone and scared. That feels kind of nice to get it out though I have major trauma response from this (and from before this) and I ask that people be sensitive.
I have been seeing my bf for 5 years. I worked for him. I noticed a few strange things, like he kept me at a distance, he took very long to trust me. Our love grew over time. The first time he blocked me was when I resigned because of all the bullying from the people at work, after they found out I was seeing him. It was for 36 days. He had a kidney transplant 10 years ago & he told me he was very irritable then. He had another one now, which was so extremely stressful for everyone. He is on 18 tablets. He has been speaking so fast and so much, he is extremely moody, went out an purchased 3 businesses (4 weeks after the transplant) he doesn't sleep - in Hypomania. This is the first time I realize what is going on with him. He always said he cannot have a relationship- I thought he kept me at arms length because of his kidney problems, but I think he is Bpd. Just guessing. I have been under tremendous stress, lost my nephew last year over a long awful suffering, which destroyed my family, 2 job losses, my dog, Bella is dying & I know i have to take her. I am stressing financially. He has blocked me, now during his manic phase. Told me a female colleague is driving him around the country. And said "I should bugger off" When I phone he screams he will block me, we can only whatsapp. I am so down, I don't know how to pick myself up. He' s been under such stress, for years, worrying about surviving. So i understand & these pills he has to take, to stop his kidney from rejecting- i wish i knew long ago that he might be bipolar, I would have been better prepared. I supported him, went through bullying, him not telling his children and ex about me. His ex donated the kidney. I thought we were about to have a future, now, after the long struggle. Instead everything is falling & I have no one to speak to - don't feel like it even helps. I have to find work - just all too much. I want him to be ok and find happiness, I wish I could just speak to him. I also freaked out, thinking he is messing around with this other woman, that made him angry, that is why he blocked me. I read through these comments and I see I am not alone, maybe they just cannot deal with emotions.
I relate so so much to this. I completely understand.