I have a young friend who is 17 and must return to her home today under Department of Social Services' direction. Amy stayed with me the past few weeks as a runaway; she left her home two months ago. I visited the social worker at her school early on and tried to find a way to keep Amy safe. We looked into a group home, but Amy needs her parent's permission to go there. There is no placement for Amy, a 17 year old runaway. There is no help for her. The school honored Amy's request to keep DSS out of it for awhile. "Awhile" ended on Thursday.

Recently, I felt pretty darn sorry for myself. It seems that despite my best efforts, I cannot cut ties with Will, my abuser. Just last night, he came to my home to bring me our final divorce papers. He stood in my living room telling a humorous story of how our youngest son attempted to climb a pine tree with parachute gear. He gave my the papers, and I handed him my military ID card. Marc, our oldest son who now lives with me because his father choked him in a rage, sat quietly on the couch. I saw my son shrinking into the fibers of the sofa and made a mental note that Will is no longer allowed entry to my home. I will speak to Will on the steps or out by his truck; the man's mere presence disturbs the peace.

The signs of verbal abuse are usually invisible to the world outside of your family. Verbal, emotional and mental abuse eats you alive from the inside out. Abuse can do heavy mental damage and cause mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and PTSD. Those illnesses have visible symptoms, but after developing the illness, no one but your closest friends may notice. (If you still have friends after being isolated!) So, the signs of verbal abuse are often felt instead of seen.

When you're in a verbally abusive relationship, you need an exit strategy and a safety plan. You need them so you don't have to listen to your abuser's hateful words. Verbal abusers want you to be a man or have the guts to hear the truth. The abuser expects you to stand there and take the abuse because without you, the abuser cannot regain control of him or herself. When an abuser looks at you, he or she sees a target, not a person. The abuser sees something to throw garbage at until he feels less threatened - like a monkey throwing poop.

Verbal abuse, in essence, seeks to destroy your perception of your Self. The abuser sees you as the enemy to his way of life, and therefore will do everything in his power to diminish your mind, body, and soul to nothing and rebuild you in his image. Your abuser wants you to be non-existent, or at least weak and defeated, so he can define you as exactly what he wants you to be: his slave. But you didn't know this was his goal. Over time, you didn't notice that you gave of yourself but he contributed nothing. You cited his rotten childhood or made some excuse that fed your desire to help him to overcome his horrid life situation, drawing yourself into codependency and taking on responsibility for his thoughts and actions. 

Learning about verbal abuse will help you to stop it. I'm not promising that your abuser will change, but stopping abuse begins with you. "Awareness is the greatest agent of change" and your awareness will in one fashion or another change your life. Learning about verbal abuse is key to stopping abuse.

Last Friday, my oldest son experienced verbal and physical abuse at the hands of his father (my soon to be ex husband). The father with whom the court sent him to live, the father he thought he could trust above everyone else -  that father cornered him, jerked him, poked his forehead and chest, then put him to the ground and choked him.

I asked myself "Why?" more than any other question during my marriage. I thought that finding the answer to "Why?!" would allow me to attack the root causes of the trouble between him and me. But, for so many reasons, why? was the wrong question to ask. Why can be an empowering question in the correct setting. The "5 Whys" is a wonderful technique for getting to the bottom of almost any normal situation. But when using the whys to understand an abusive relationship, it causes trouble. Why? Let's find out...

Certain fantasies bonded me to my verbally abusive husband like super glue.  My heart and mind alternated between "hoping" and "knowing" the dreams were true. I repeated them to myself and other people like mantras, almost as if saying it made it so. The fantasies were created early on and their existence prohibited me from hearing the truth. Here are the top five lies that bound me in "love".

At one job, my boss manipulated and controlled her employees. She tried to win over her employees by becoming overly familiar with us and then using the information to manipulate our actions, even play one employee off another. She obviously manipulated my supervisor, Dean, and after becoming his friend, I found she abused him in hidden ways, too. The signs of workplace abuse made it obvious I needed a new job (Dealing With Verbal Abuse At Work).