The One Who Will Be Abused After You
Violet is ready to leave her abusive husband - almost. She struggles with what-ifs, but I sense she has one foot out the door already. She asked in her comment,
"I think about him meeting someone else; what if he is good to her? Does that make her better than me? I know someone else addressed this, but it is a real fear of mine. Am I making him act this way?"
Am I Making Him Act This Way?
Fifteen days after leaving my husband, Will, I came to a powerful realization. I wrote on my blog and this is what I said:
You see, once upon a time, I believed Will when he said that I made him angry. I made him yell. I made him go into a$$hole mode. I made him want to hit me. I made him cut me down. I made him use physical force to subdue me. I must have thought I thought I was pretty damn powerful, being able to spin that man around in such a tizzy that he would justify his own behavior by blaming me for it.
There is a flip side of being so omnipotent and powerful. I could make him mean, hateful, vengeful even…but I couldn’t make him love me, I couldn’t make him respect me or be nice to me. What’s the point of being “omnipotent” when your “powers” only work against you?
Fact is, I tried to make him love me for me, and when that didn’t work, I thought he’d love me as his baby’s mother. When that didn’t work, I morphed into the house frau he said he wanted me to be. Along the way, I’ve tried to be his mother, his MawMaw, his aunt; I even tried to be “more like” other people he’d point out to me. I tried to make him love me, and I couldn’t do it.
So why did I buy into the idea that I could make him angry?
I think that believing I could make him feel something was better than acknowledging he would never feel love for me. I thought there was something broken inside me, something that I could fix. I forced myself into fits of depression thinking that there, at the bottom of the pit, I would find the thing that made me so unlovable. Once I found it, I thought I could pluck it out and dispose of it, then rise to the surface of myself to find that he was able to love me.
I do not wonder why I spent so long looking for something that was broken [inside of me]…I know that I wanted a happy marriage, a loving husband, a close family. I wanted what I wanted when I married Will – to be a part of his life, to share myself and my gifts with him believing that we complemented one another and together, we were unstoppable. I wanted this so badly that I stuck around for almost 18 years trying to create it.
Underneath it all, we want to know we're lovable. Abuse convinces us that we are not lovable, not even likable. Abuse convinces us we're sub-human and everyone else in the world can see it. Abuse shames us, it shames and dims the light God meant for us to shine bright for all the world to see.
Our abusers circled our light in the beginning like a moth to the flame. Our abuser wanted us, just as we were, because they thought we could share our light with them, and "make" them better for it. The abuse begins when the abuser realizes that no one, specifically not their victim, can cast a light so bright that it illuminates their own darkness. And trust me on this one, abusive people live in a very dark place.
What If He Is Good To Her? Does That Make Her Better Than Me?
Your abusive mate will find another light shining brightly from another person that beckons them like a moth to a flame. After you are gone, your abuser can no longer believe that verbally, emotionally, or physically beating your light out of you will work. Your abuser may wonder what they ever saw in you, seeing that your light faded so drastically. Your abuser will not comprehend that the effects of the abuse caused your light to fade, and they certainly will not wait around in their darkness to see if your light reignites.
Your abuser will find another person who shines brightly. Your abuser will wow his New Light with loving actions, sweet words; your abuser will seem to the New Light like a gift from heaven. The New Light will probably be a lot like you.
The New Light is no better than you. Sure, you may feel defeated right now, but your light is on the mend. You are coming back into who you are and always were. But your abuser's New Light is on the way to darkness. You probably won't see it happen because, if you remember, the Abuse is kept a secret. You are no longer allowed to see your ex-abuser's inner world because you've been cast out.
But you KNOW.
Please remember that despite your ex-abuser's opinion of you, Abuse is always wrong in its judgments. Abuse seeks to kill what lives when Love seeks to nurture what lives. Loving yourself in the absence of abuse nurtures you. It guides you to new insights. You realize that no one is better than or less than, we're all simply trying to shine our lights. You heal. You believe your Self again, and any pain caused by seeing your abuser with a new victim subsides into the light of truth.
Holly, K. (2012, September 27). The One Who Will Be Abused After You, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/the-one-abused-after-you
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
How have you been? I pray that you are well...
I began no contact!!! I have been through the ringer with all types of abuse, this time was it! I changed my number, blocked all emails and am focusing on no contact. Yes, a part of me makes me feel that I want him back, but I know that he hurts me much worse than what I feel now. Also, I know that this will be temporary. I called a local hotline in my city and will begin counseling for myself and children that he has terrorized. I wish you the best!
Now, if a man comes on too strongly at first or degrades me or makes accusations that aren't truthful to try to trick or hurt me, I'm not going to say anything back and run the other way never looking back.
My mom gave him money and took care of his expenses which he stated he would pay her back. I gave him money even though I wasn't financially able to support or help him fully as my mother which only put more shame and guilt since my poor mother got involved in all this mess. When he stated he finally got a job, he promised to call my mom and would pay her back. He hasn't and I begged and warned her to not call him anymore. Let him call her, but it's also warned her he would not do it. NOW. ..she's hurt..feels used and disappointed in him. Yep...go figure. I'm sure he quickly moved on to another victim and found out that he left for the job he wanted in another state. Good. I did what my friends and family told me to do which was to go to the sheriff's department to report his abusive treatment and prevent him from further abuse by following up with a possible restraint order on him. The last thing he said to my mom was he loved me and wanted to marry me because he could cure me snd straighten more out. He did everything he could to destroy me as a person and make me out to be what he was and convince my mom that I had lost my mind and that he of all people could heal me.
They charm you with making you feel like you're the most important and wonderful person. He too claimed he loved me right from the start and wanted to immediately marry me. He made himself sound like and even had things we shared in common that made us seem like a good match as a couple which was all true. The trouble was that he's a criminal ..a criminal of being an abuser and batterer of more than one time even. He is a sick man, but he darned well knows what is morally right from wrong. He is most aware of his abusive ways, but refuses to take account of his abuse or anything else he is responsible for oe can show the character and strength it takes to cope or handle life's stressors without having a woman to beat down.
We stay because we want to believe the initial presentation, while losing years and being abused more. We are projecting our empathy onto someone who does not possess this.
The pity play, lack of empathy. Lack of empathy is the number one sign of abusers. Lack of remorse, lack of guilt. If you ask someone to stop hurting you in whatever way,and they continue to hurt you, you are most assuredly in the presence of a pathological disorder. You cannot change it, but you can allow it to empower change in you. Don't give anymore of your light to that which is darkness, without conscience...
We had a huge sit down about a month and a half ago. I know it's too soon to tell but my partner sees how much I was hurting in the relationship and I have seen tremendous changes in him and in myself. We both try and do more for the other person, which means there is more compromise. I am going out more and doing my own thing and we have begun to rebuild our relationship, this time on a foundation made from respect. I hope things continue this way and am hopeful for the future. I see now there were things I may have done to perpetuate situations. Not making excuses, just realizing I have many of my own faults. Since I am choosing to stay I am going to give it 100% and as long as my partner does the same, all I can do is hope :-)
When he did move on so quickly and then married her just as quickly I was heartbroken (because he had asked me to marry him too but never followed through) and I was shocked at the type of person she was...(and yes, I know, I am labeling right now) drug addict, alcoholic, pill-poppin, gutter rat, false teeth wearing wearing trailer-trash slut. (That was my messed up way of thinking at the time)
I did find out through mutual acquaintances that he was abusing her too but she did something I never did....she put put his lousy abusive butt in jail! And I realized that even though she didn't lead a life that I would have chosen she had something I didn't have and that was the strength to take a stand and fight back. She made sure he wasn't going to abuse her again and because of that I am so grateful to her!
This is how I have felt for the past 20 years.
And then there are the ones who tell you that you weren't really abused, you are just crazy. They are continuing the abuse; don't listen to them, ESPECIALLY if they are only going by what the abuser says. NO ONE will understand unless they go through it.