I feel ornery today. Woe to anyone who crosses me. You've been warned! During my marriage, I would have put on my boxing gloves on a day like today. I would check my s%*t-list, which always consisted of only my husband's crap, and remind myself of what he got away with that deserved retaliation. I'd figuratively position myself  smack dab in the center of the door frame and wait for him to come home. POW! Sucker punch. And boy, would it feel good to see that look on his face. I always got the first verbal hit on these kinds of days. The anger inside of me today is the same. Bubbling, festering, the color of sick yellow pus. It needs out, and baby, cleaning this darn house for release just isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I want to write my ex a scathing email. Stir things up, let him know how I feel. Problem is, I don't really feel anything when it comes to him anymore. My ex hasn't been on my list for months because my list doesn't exist anymore. This anxious, angry feeling is mine alone. In the absence of abuse, what in the heck am I supposed to do with all this frustration?

In 1987, our nation observed the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I was 16 years old and never saw a poster saying Fight the Violence or Silence Hides Violence. I wouldn't have known what those slogans meant or referred to anyway. When I was young, domestic violence wasn't an issue for me or for my school or the shops at the mall because we didn't know what it was. Thank goodness it was an issue for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).

I remember saying words to my ex-husband, Will, that didn't help my abusive relationship or me at all. Will ignored them for the most part, but the tragedy is that I ignored them too. Here are the top five statements I wish I'd heard myself say.

I know how hopeless and helpless you can feel if you live with an abusive person. Abusers suck the joy out of life - or at least they try very hard to make our lives miserable. If you're stuck living with abuse, I hope you are planning your escape. But sometimes it is close to impossible to leave now, so you've got to put up with your abuser's crap as best as you can. For many abused people, putting up with it feels like saying it is okay for your abuser to treat you that way. Sticking up for yourself backfires, being silent backfires...there seems no way to appease the abuser without compromising who you are. It is very important that you find a way to maintain your integrity despite the abuse. But because Abuse seeks to destroy your integrity and turn you into a monster like it, the battle just to be you rages daily. Fighting the battle on your abuser's terms isn't going to work; besides, acting like them might make you think less of yourself. Think about what behaviors will make you feel good about you. The idea of coping with abuse is increasing our feelings of empowerment and making our own decisions about how we act, what we think, and how we feel. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves, and you can feel better about yourself even if you live with a life-sucking abuser.

When I left my marriage, I severely mourned the death of my relationship. My mourning for the fantasy relationship was as real as any grief I've ever felt. The grief was so real it led me to delude myself about the truth of my abusive marriage. Will, my husband, wasn't all bad, was he? Maybe our separation would scare him straight, maybe our recent civil conversations heralded a new beginning for us, maybe this was all a bad dream. 

Through much of our conversation together, we've discussed setting boundaries and telling your abuser what you will and won't do when she behaves abusively. Today, I want you to realize that the words you speak are for you only. Your abuser doesn't listen to them anymore than she listens to anything else you say.

Some of you are reading this to receive validation that there is no way possible to leave your abusive relationship. If you're looking for someone else to agree and say, "Why by God, you're right! You are stuck!" then you are a victim and you are absolutely correct. Does that help? Do you feel any better hearing me say that your situation is hopeless? There's no hope - your abuser wins. Go sit over there, sigh, and wait for the next episode of abuse. Feeling better yet?

The last post offered insight into how to help your friend's wife who says she's being abused. This is the second email from a man who finds himself in that exact situation: "The first time she and I talked, she asked that I not tell anyone and then said, "Do you think I am stupid?" That broke my heart. I replied, "You are a brilliant, kind person," and that put a smile on her face. I set out to help her build self-esteem. "I email her every day with verbal abuse information.  She doesn't send much of a reply back, so it is hard to know if she will take some type of action. Should I not email her anymore and hope that she gets help? Should I keep giving her advice and just hope that she does something about the abuse? To what degree do I detach myself?"

Recently I received an email from a man who asked a very good question. He said, "A friend's wife opened up to me about what I think is verbal abuse. She is talking about leaving him if things don't change, but she's afraid her kids will hate her for leaving their father and their million dollar home. His wife has such a big heart. She's really a wonderful person. I want her to be happy. I am very surprised to know that my friend, such a nice guy when he's with me, abuses his wife this way. What can I do to guide his wife down the right path?"

Verbal abuse books helped me discover that my marriage problems were rooted in verbal and emotional abuse. I felt relief because up until I read the library of verbal abuse books available, I thought that I was losing my mind. My abusive husband had almost convinced me that every problem in our marriage was my fault. He said I was inept and out of touch with reality. The verbal abuse books taught me that my husband was wrong. But more importantly, the verbal abuse books taught me the vocabulary of abuse so I could finally describe what was happening to me.