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Stop Abuse

I'm having a bit of trouble leaving the rules of my marriage behind me. You see, when I was married, I was to be forever less than him. My job was to focus my energies on making him seem and look better - more capable, responsible, trustworthy... It was my job to prop him up to the outside world. He was a poster-board life-size cut-out, smiling and looking grand, and I was the plain cardboard stand sticking in his rear, supporting him.
Abuse affects our foundational thoughts - the ideas of who we are, what we're doing, why we believe what we believe. Manipulative abusers use every weapon against us - mental, emotional, physical - and leave us bleeding our souls onto the floors of our own homes. The damage can be so horrendous that when the abuser is no where to be seen or heard, the injury continues to grow, not to heal. No where in this world is safe when your abuser's words run laps in your head, circling and creating negative thoughts. Abuse kills from a distance too.
Communicating with an abusive person exercises patience at best and destroys your soul at worst. Communication's definition is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Communicating with an abusive person is not possible because the abuser blocks or argues mercilessly with what you say unless you parrot their experience, ideas, or words. Attempting communication with an abusive person is pointless, especially when you're in an intimate relationship with one.
Isolation and domestic abuse cannot be separated. Whether physical or emotional or both, isolation is the first step to convincing a victim that their controller is the most important person in the world. How do abusers isolate victims? Why are isolation and domestic abuse inextricably intertwined?
I've used abusive anger to attempt to get what I wanted from my abuser. But then I realized the abusive anger didn't end with him, but extended to my innocent children. Years ago, I promised my children that I would not yell and storm at them when it was time to do their chores. After a bit of trial and error, I successfully reigned in Mommy Mean. I felt relief when I no longer saw my boys' tear-stained faces staring at me in fear. I felt like I was a better person after taming my temper.
Last week, my son Marc asked me to buy him some clothes for winter. I do not have the money to do that and I asked my ex for money for school clothes. I didn't want to ask him, but Marc needed clothes and I don't have the money required, so I asked. 45 minutes after I sent the text, my ex replied, "No." I expected that answer, so I began texting back, "Okey dokey." But right before I hit the send button, my friend asked me, "Kellie, is that what you really think?"
Brenda M. Bomgardner (@BrendaBomgardnr) tweeted "There is a way to the other side. It is living a life based on your own unique values." She is talking about the life you'll create during and after healing from abuses of all kinds. The trouble lies in defining what values you, the abuse sufferer, want to define as yours after digging yourself out from under the pseudo-values your abuser demanded you to incorporate into your Self.
Once victims realize they're being abused, many of us immediately think, "I've gotta get out of here!" And the pressure's on the victim to DO something about the situation. Right now. We know abuse victims often return to their abuser many times before leaving (if they do leave). We know our family, friends, and society tells us to "Get Out Now!" We know we want to leave. We know we fear the abuser on many levels as much as we fear being without them. We know that leaving is an option . . . but at what cost? Leaving an abuser is not always an immediately viable option, but everyone outside of ourselves (and our abuser) seems to think you must leave NOW.  When you realize your partner abuses you, the only answer supported by others is you packing your bags and walking away into the "good for me" sunrise. And we victims buy into that idea, and that's when a new kind of self-punishment begins.
What is the process by which someone becomes an abuse victim? What part do abuse victims play in the abusive cycle? Those questions leave me wanting an easy answer so I can wrap up my abusive experience in a neat little package and set it away in an attic where it would slowly disintegrate in the musty air. Unfortunately, the easy answers elude me. Easy or not, here is a part of my theory about how people become abuse victims in the first place:
When I heard my ex-husband tell me what I was thinking, doing or feeling, he was usually wrong. He painted a picture of me that was so far from my reality that I felt it was imperative to correct him; I was not the person he described.  The argument that followed invariably left me in tears, hurt and feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless of finding intimacy with the man I loved. I wondered why he married me when he thought I was such a selfish, conniving, miserable woman. I was the same woman at 35 as I had been at 20. His constant nit-picking at my faults (and my willingness to examine myself to see if he was right) practically halted my personal development. I spent so much time double-checking who I was that I didn't have time to consider who I would like to be.