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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

January 22, 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, July 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

J
February, 1 2016 at 6:15 am

To the African woman.... Leave when you can to the police and tell them you are undocumented. Maybe being deported will save your life. Try to be apply to be a refugee in an accepting country for a better life.
To the Birmingham woman... If you don't want to call cops leave with your kids to an abuse shelter immediately. Hopefully you drive the kids to school. One day just go to social services or call the abuse shelter and tell them your crises and they will definitely accept your family and you can start the challenging but great life changing process of moving to a better way of life. <==== this advice is to any abused wife.

Not comfortable with leaving my real name or lying and making a false one
February, 1 2016 at 5:03 am

Our daughter is very young. We are unmarried. There were signs I should walk away before she was ever conceived, but I got caught up believing he had epiphanies every time the end looked like I was ready to walk away. He gave me hope, but he always goes back to the emotional and verbal abuse - he justifies it by saying that he doesn't like my tone, I raise my voice, I nag him, it is not abuse, I should have thicker skin. He has even gone as far as saying "verbal abuse is something women made up so that men don't feel they have a voice." He claims that if we are just kind to one another it will not escalate, and he won't have to "defend himself" by calling me names.
I do not want my daughter to get older and witness this and experience the anxiety. I don't want her to think that this is an okay way to be treated in a relationship. I understand that I am imperfect and need to work on things myself, but when I try to establish boundaries about what I will not tolerate (namecalling, threats, disparaging comments in front of our daughter & eventually to her I'm sure, blocking doorways, saying he treats me better than I deserve, making assumptions about what I think/feel or saying I said something I didn't (with recorded proof he is unaware of that I didn't), the list could go on and on) he literally laughs at my list, says "good luck with that," and says he won't be worried about my boundaries because we didn't agree on them together.
That defeats the purpose of boundaries. To have someone else tell you what they are allowed to be?!
I am financially dependent on him right now (still on maternity leave), and I don't have any family in the state that can help give a safe haven. I feel like I need to finish my degree and get my ducks in a row. I guess I'm in the planning stage, but I'm just so upset that I'm not in a position to leave yet. He claims he has created a file to bring to court to prove I have defamed his character (we broke up several times and I told friends what happened when asked - these people talk, obviously, and many people have chosen to not keep him in their lives. I too have lost my own friend when she suspected I would go back. She was literally on the domestic violence hotline one minute and then done with me the next, but I understand she met her own breaking point).
I know that I cannot label him - but, many things align to make me feel that I am in a "relationship" with a narcissist. He will even go so far as to project and say that I am one (and all of his exes and his mother - can you imagine?) because I "look at him as a dollar sign." I am on maternity leave! I never asked for his help - he offered and I accepted. I now believe this was to keep me more dependent on him. Having our daughter, moving in together, me not working. There was a time during the preganancy he told me to "just get rid of the kid." We have had a pregnancy not carried to term in the past six months before she was conceived. Is this reproductive abuse and trauma bonding?
He makes enough to stand on his own two feet and comes across very charming. He also says things that aren't true and turns everything around on me (recorded proof), but I'm still worried that I won't be able to leave and have as much charm and resources for the courts to not favor him for custody. I already see he is capable of lying. He almost seems to even believe his lies.
What in the ever loving hell do I do?!
Document document document, of course - but are there financial resources for legal help, etc. Should I ride it out and finish my degree? Should I even delude myself with the hope that he will have a real "come to Jesus" moment and recognize his behavior is a abusive?
I know this is the hardest thing I will ever do, but it seems impossible. That's how hard it seems. And I wish I had money and resources and my degree and family closer - but I don't, I would do this tomorrow for the sake of my daughter and of course myself.

Sheila
January, 31 2016 at 6:02 am

I have bee in a voilent relationship for 3 years now but this man made me leave all my friends and he doesnt like my sisters too. He thinks if I have friends they will connect me to men.............. He has continuously cheated on me and he says its just sex even when something hurts you your not supposed to say anything he will blame it on you. This man has manipulated my whole life and I come from a poor family where we had nothing so he says I have to where to go if he gives you something and you get into a fight he takes it back . Right now am working with him and business is not good I have nothing my account balance is zero so even when you get beaten your only option is to stay I have been called a bitch a hoe a prostitute every insult on this world He calls me evil and curses me but I just have to sit down and keep my mouth shut.......Yesterday I told him that he judges me like he doesnt make mistakes because of that I was beaten with a belt when i fell down he kicked me in my chest slap he punched me in my stomach and face my eye cut so blood started flowing in my eye, He calls me ungrateful that I shouldnt say anything about what he does because I have no right. By the way we are Africans but different African countries and we are in a Asia so police here doesnt care the last time I called police on him his friends threatened to kill me if I ever do it again, I cant eat now because of yesterdays beating he went out locked me in the house and he say sits my fault for getting beaten. This man beat me at around 7 pm he went out came back at 10 pm and he continued from where he left off from.I have no friend to talk to the one I have is going through the same thing as me. He said If I ever tried to leave he will break me I have lost weight whenever he knocks at the door my heart beats so fast I panic look around to see what I have not done and do it, Yesterday after beating me he said he wanted to have sex I said no he said I should leave his house that is around 2 am Throught out this relationship I have sliced my wrists, taken over doses I took a full packet of pain killers because I didnt want to wake up I have no life I had to renew my visa and he said he has no money to give me to renew it but he went and renewed his, so am in a foreign country with no visa, no money and no firends to help, If there is a man reading this out there why would some one do this to any one? Even if I did this guy something wrong I knelt down and told him to forgive me but he will remember what you did in the past bring it back and beat you if you try to defend your self, back home things are not good I didnt graduate I cant get a job and on top of that I have a son form a previous relationship he is 5 now my sister is looking after him for me in a single room apartment I want a better future for my son so I just have to bear with the beating and insults any money I get I hope to run to the embassy request for an exit and go home before I get killed here ........................when ever he beats me he hits the head am afraid that something bad will happen to me. Am writing this because he is not home I have to clear my history if he sees anything like this I dont know what he might do because he doesnt want me telling people what he does to me . SO am going to be locked in this house he will bring me painkillers until my swollen face comes down I only leave the house with him so even if its hot I wear a jacket to cover the scars he has given me since we met........................ But if God helps me to get out of this relationship I will never get involved with any man and I dont think I will ever get married it a waste of time I will make sure my son has a better life because his dad left I dont even know where he is his family wont eve give me his number,
This man has girls out there who are out to attack me insult me am not on social media but they post my pictures and insult me these girls dont know what I go through I never buy make up or nice clothes or go out and have fun when he get money he will go out spend it all and am used to that so the only thing I ask for are tampoons .
I do every thing for this man my daily life is to wake up at 6 clean the house make him breakfast when he is still sleeping warm his water wake him up I put tooth paste on his tooth brush ladies I flush the toilet after he uses it I dry the bathroom after he showers I fell am a slave he has sex with. when his friends come over I stay in the room I dont come out until they are gone. but this is someone who has told me I cant keep my legs closed , i can sleep with any man
You just see someone and dont know the battles they are fighting I cry everyday and pray to God this will come to an end and I hope I will not be dead PRAY FOR ME PLEASE

Mar
January, 30 2016 at 4:41 am

Hi i need some advice i live in birmingham and been with my husband for 10 years and he has been onn and off abusing me phisically and mentally yesterday he hit me n chucked shoes at me in front of my kids i have had enough i havent got any family or any money as he takes all my money i dont know what to do i just want to go but i sont want to be homeless asi have 4 children under the age of 8 also a 6 months old baby please someone help me

J
January, 29 2016 at 8:14 am

My lady is the emotionally abusive one. When we first met I was a little crazy from a past of misfortunate events and she was too but we got along and made up a lot. 11 years later we are supposed to be serious, mature and changed individuals but nooooo. She can put on an act and hold her emotional abusive ways for long stretches but it comes out. Recently lies about using ice and now I see why she is making dumb life decisions and making me feel bad about her bullsh t. I'm doing everything right and she is threatened by my new success in life. I wondered why I'm out drinking and not wanting to come home right awayaway after work. I'm forced to make a decision to leave to a hotel every few months to cool off because when I fire back she makes me look bad to the kids because my voice is louder they are scared to stand up to her because she broke them down as they grew. I'm leaving this emotional bully soon and our children will be hurt. No matter how small or big my efforts and accomplishments are I can't do any thing right in her eyes. Ladies ...don't act like you don't throw the first words or even punches to cause arguments. Lucky Im not stupid anymore because I would slap the hell out of her. Getting my education and new career, I can leave it all behind and do it out of state because I have new confidence in life. I think I can do this and I don't have to put up with her s*** anymore. Just gotta deal with being a father miles away. I am too old to be feeling this way almost every week or month.

Sel
January, 27 2016 at 10:20 am

So i have been with my childrens father off and on 10 yrs with children in between ours from first relationship he has total of 5 children 2 with me 3 with other woman. We have lived together for the last 4 yrs. He drinks every few days and also does drugs pills or and cocaine not around children but while hes out i know he now has an addiction i have talked to him numerous of times of his behavior and how out of it he is when he does this and goes on this rampage he becomes menatally abusive and sometimes if i tell him please dnt leave in the reason that he could kill himself or someone else drunk driving he will or has forcefully push me out the way full on or from the side hes mean and evil when drunk with out the cocaine to stabilize his attitude (hes done it so much hea used to it and needs it to stay nice while drinkining). I recently experienced another incident. I had a few drinks and a shot with a meal i was a lil buzzed but not drunk full aware he started gettin mean saying mean things and i had it with all hes put me thru from coming home late drinkin being mentally and emotionally abusive that i threw my drink at him it escaleted i regret that i shouldnt have but than again i apolized asked him to be calm and go to other room he tried leaving thru back door and i told him will he come back inside and stop he pushed me with all his might to the rock wall i hit back my head and fell to the floor. I was so upset that he has done this over and over and i snapped and smacked at him with my shoe as he recorded and laughed taunting me how he was gunna put me in jail and take our kids away from me when im responsible majority care taker and provider for them. I was just beside myself i have been going to church and praying for him and his addiction i dnt knw what else to do and im not ready to walk away when he is sober and well he is the kindest sweetes loving person. He is like 2 different people. I cant take living this way and i dnt want my children seeing this. I know hes sick with an addiction and needs help he says hes willin to go to counseling etc but never finds anything. I dnt know what to do anymore. I just want a normal life without the alcohol and drugs

Kitty
January, 26 2016 at 7:11 am

As far as staying with someone because you "love" them. That's a crock of shit you are telling yourself, because if you really loved him/her you would leave them so they can learn that they can't make the same mistakes again they have an issue and they need to fix it, you staying there with them you guys are basically each others heroin fixes for that rush of singular false happiness that you two experience backed by the fantasy that you will actually be happy together. You two are addicts addicted to each other and being with each other escalates the pain and the hurt you will both receive, you are not good or healthy for each other. If you loved this person you wouldn't keep on hurting them by letting them hurt you, they are sick people that need serious help that you will never be able to provide for them. Only a team of trained psychologists and therapists can, and only when THEY accept the help. They may choose to never change or validate the fact that they have a problem, but YOU can and YOU also have the ability to be the bigger stronger person for yourself your children and your family that loves you. And when I say leave them I mean FOREVER, don't go back when the "honeymoon" is on, or think that you two can be friends. Do you think that a heroin addict can just be friends with his heroin just stare at it but not use it all day! I don't say these words to sound like a pompous bitch I say them so some women do not have to live the rest of their lives in hell, and are able to actually be loved.

Kitty
January, 26 2016 at 6:44 am

I know from experience that violent relationships only poison the mind and heart, I just got out of one and I'm working through the trauma and taking care of my injuries. I was bitten until the point that blood was drawn on my left arm, I was strangled on my throat my larnyx when I tried to scream my nose and mouth were covered while being strangled, I was punched in my temple while strangled along with my mouth and eye. I have a bruised split lip. I have woken up at night unable to breath due to the damage to my breathing passageways.
The relationship makes you bitter, because you internalize the pain thinking its your fault but it has nothing to do with you.
I told my own mother a woman I love with all my heart to kill herself....then I realized, holy cow I am becoming verbally abusive like him! I didn't want to become him like I felt myself becoming so I left him. Because my life is worth so much more happiness and love.
Yes at one point I did love him, now I feel no emotion besides fear when I see him or think of him, which is more justified than love.
If there is love there is nothing but pity and sadness coming from it, because of how much of a sick disturbed person he is.

T
January, 25 2016 at 7:36 pm

I am leaving my childrens father. We have 3 kids 18,15 and 8. I have been with him for 20 years since I was 14. Abuse started slowly and I thought my boy friend is protective. Until the first time he chocked me. Before I was 18 I was beaten black and blue threatened with guns and had my windows shot out by this man. I have been called every name threatened every way slapped punched spit on and cheated on so much he has 12 other children with 6 women. In 2010 He murdered another man and tried to frame me for it. But some how I still love him. He is in prison and gets out in July. He wants to be with me again he says he changed and understands that what he used to do is wrong and he will never do it again and has had counseling. Part of me feels so bad for him and I want to help him still. I feel guilty for leaving but I know I must go or I feel I will die. The part that hurts me the most is that my youngest only knows this great daddy she met in jail and can't wait for him to come with her and I am leaving before he gets out. I don't know if what I am doing is stupid but I talk to him everyday like everything is fine so he doesn't try to manipulate and harass me. I will be moving at the end of June to another state and changing my number.I'm scared and I hope my daughter forgives me

Jeannette
January, 24 2016 at 7:12 pm

I am trying to leave my husband of 15 years, he is very emotionally abusive. He calls me names, degrades me and our kids, my oldest is begging for me to get a divorce because she knows we aren't getting along anymore at all. Tonight was no different. He got mad and screamed at me, called me names, woke my girls up and made us throw out all the food in the fridge because there was a bag of chips left on the counter. He screamed so loudly I got scared and had to figure out how to leave. I want to leave so much but this town has no resources for someone in my position. I have no money, job, or close relatives/friends. I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless at this point and I just want to leave...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
January, 25 2016 at 2:46 pm

Jeannette, contact an attorney. There may be a way to make him move out of the house as divorce proceedings begin.

Jeannette
January, 24 2016 at 7:05 pm

For the first time in 15 years, I called the cops on my husband of 15 years. He came home ranting and raving, then got so mad because a bag of chips was on the counter he woke up the girls and made us throw away all the food! He was so mad he was screaming at the top of his lungs, cursing us and calling us names. I was so scared I finally broke down and had a friend call the police for me. He is very emotionally abusive and I've leared to not let it bother me, but he's also manipulative. He gets mad when I spend time with my friends, but whenever I try to spend time with him it never happens!
I am trying to leave but I have no money, can't work because my son needs me to drive hom to school, and I have no family or friends to go to. I have 2 girls, 14 and 12, and a 5 year old autistic son. I don't want to leave them behind at all. I just want to leave and try to be happy again.

Unknown
January, 23 2016 at 7:40 pm

I could go on for ever about this and make multiple excuses ive been telling myself when my husband emotionally and mentally abuses me, like he did again tonight, over nothing, out of no where. The minipulative words, the name calling, brainwashing, its all torture. My son has to be holding my leg because hes scared his dad his going to hit me. He never has before within 11 years but he might as well, because thats what it feels like. He constantly acts like its ok to do this to me. My son and I have to go on the couch just to get some peace and try and sleep and he still comes out over and over again saying more amd more leading it on. It feels like torture. It hurts so bad, nothing that he says is true. He is so narcissistic its almost depressing. I dont want my son to see me cry anymore. I dont want my son to think this is ok, were both so hurt. I dont feel like ill ever have peace. Everytime Im succeeding in life somehow tgis happens. He trys and tortures me mentally and emotionally so bad I cant even smile anymorw. I just wish this would end. I wish I was smart enough to know he wasnt going to change when I married him. I pray my son and I will be able to live happily someday like we always arw wheb we are together. Im sorry for any woman going through this kind of abuse. I hurt for all of you and pray you find your way out .

June
January, 20 2016 at 5:05 am

This site reads like one long look into my own mirror. I have been in a six year relationship with a man who is a master narcissist, cheater, and egotist. On the one hand, he has pushed me harder to be successful than any man I've ever known. The physical passion he has showered on me has also been greater than anything I have ever known. The flip side though is his "dark side": a short-fuse temper and a wicked tongue that can reduce you to nothing with its barbed sarcasm and insults. In addition, he is a player who juggles multiple women. I have learned to live a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about his endless womanizing. I'm made to feel grateful that he "chooses" me from the circle of women (all of whom are seduced by his charms and throw themselves at his feet). All of my friends and family hate this man and worry for me. They can see how my personality has diminished, how withdrawn I have become. I live for his phone calls, for the morsels of attention he throws to me, and for the rare invitation to come visit him at his home--and stay the night--which always makes me feel like I won the lottery in the Game of Love. I know he is a pathological liar, but I cannot quit him. When he has cut me off from all communication--to punish me, I feel like dying. I know my story reads like the classic one of love addiction. He is indeed like a shot of crack heroine to me--and I can't break free of his hold on me.

Standswfist
January, 17 2016 at 11:45 am

I have not posted my story of 21 yrs but can say that manipulation on me was one thing but when it failed to succeed then turned onto using my two boys to destroy me... Well... i grabbed my sword and remembered the blood. Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness. The devil seeks to destroy and through an open door, he no doubt will.
We are all here for one reason. And if we do not know who we are and why we are here then the devil has won.
Luke 11:9 "So I say to you, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened .
Luke 11:13 If you then who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"
Luke 11:14 Now he was casting out a demon that was mute. When the demon had gone out, the mute man spoke, and the people marveled.
The bible is our owners manual. God has given every last answer to all of our trials in His words. Genesis 1 In the beginning God created... Genesis 3 tells us what's happening in our marriages. All of us! Genesis 3:1 ...now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast in the field that God had made. This is where the fall of man began and sin entered ... As a result Genesis 3:14 ... Applies to us all. However...there's a victory attainable. And when we understand what's going on here, our eyes open. At least mine did. So... I fight for my husband. No he right now is not the man I married but I know why... And I know he is still in there... If I walk away, sure I might make out alright but I took those marriage vows and I meant them. For better or worse, sickness and health til death we part. I not dead yet. Genesis 3:20 The man called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living. Yes... We females are extremely worthy. The tree of evil was already taken in, we had no choice being born into sin, thanks Adam and Eve. The tree of life is our own free will...and lest the man reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat and live forever. God will show us the way. It's a walk in the wilderness, let me tell ya but life is going to be anyways. Better to do it with a light right? John 14:1 Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. The Lord Christ Jesus came to set us free.
Ok I'm done now. Woo that felt good!! Life is such a journey and it just seriously pisses the devil off when we find the truth to the light.
I'm really glad I found your (Kelly's) blog talk radio clip last night. It's amazing what can happen when people come together. A form of love creates and no greater love than to lay life down for a friend is written. So your risk and efforts are so greatly appreciated. U stepped out and that takes a lot. And on that note would like to add... My husband.... An MP. Came out of boot camp and was never the same. Forgiving is good.

M
January, 17 2016 at 5:02 am

I am so tired of all the propaganda around domestic issues. Bottom line is most women want to leave they just lack the financial resources to do so, which ultimately means they will lose their kids, which is the only reason they've put up with the abuse in the first place. It is so difficult to leave because your hands are tied with jobs and transport and rent and childcare.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
January, 17 2016 at 7:19 am

That is one reason. There are other reasons beyond financial ones.

You can do itI
January, 14 2016 at 5:01 pm

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 yrs.I never would of thought I would have the strength to leave.My husband never let me get a job or have access to any money.I recently got a job and moved in with a friend.My husband tries to make me feel guilty for leaving him.He uses guilt as a tool to control me.I have learned to engage very little with him and that if a conversation goes off course I end the conversation.Its easy for people to say"why don't you just leave?" If it were that easy I would of been gone years ago! It will be the hardest thing you will have to do but please know you're not alone.You have to start at the bottom and rebuild your life.I became dependant on this man for survival but,now I'm taking the steps to gain control of my life.With no credit rating and no clue to pay a bill I'm slowly learning that its possible to do all these things on my own.Good luck to all those who are in an abusive relationship.

DESPRATE
January, 11 2016 at 2:08 am

Hi i am in a 5 month relationship and need help out please . he moved in with me just after few weeks i stayed alone and he said it was to protect me , we had our first fight few weeks ago and he treatened me with his firearm , he had it against my head and the gun jammed . i ran away but had to go back later as it is my place and he dont own a teaspoon in that house , he said he only wanted to scare me , he choked me i could not swollow for days after that , Christmas he treatened me again with the gun and i managed to hide it from him , he say he killed before and will kill me , if i leave him , i think he is worried bout his reputation if he has to go back to his mummy's place . Last week we had another argument and he bruised me while demanding to give him his gun , i still have it , he does not want to leave and i need out please please help . he tells me he killed before and is not scared to do it again , i only recently found out he use to hit his ex aswell.. Please help .

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
January, 11 2016 at 11:01 am

You must leave him, no matter how difficult it seems. Since it is your place, you can have the police remove him. After they do, don't let him back inside for any reason (unless he's with a police escort and there to pick up his stuff). Who cares if he has to go back to his mother's? It's not your job to house a felon. Er, I mean a soon to be felon when he finds that gun and it does NOT jam.
You are seriously at risk. Put him out.

Danielle
January, 9 2016 at 8:11 am

I'm 21 years and I don't know what to do. Everything was good when we first started dating which was years ago. Five years to exact. Well when we first started dating I know I was the mentally and emotional abuser. Well he decided to leave me for another girl and he stayed with her for about 4 months. During this 4 months I was weak and beating myself up about it all the time. I hated myself. I put myself down about it all the time. I didn't eat I stayed in bed 24/7. Even when I got out of school I went straight to my room and crawled in bed. I ate probably ever 2 day if that. I felt like I was not worthy of eating.
Well we decided to get back together not saying that I changed much but I was young! What do you expect. I changed a little over the years but not much.
Well now I've decided to change my ways completely. Not for anyone but myself. Number one I'm going to have a daughter or son one day and I hope to god no one every treats them in such a manner. Well I've been working on becoming a better me. With that be said here the problem. I hate my life. I've tried to work on me but he puts my down. When we text he never text nothing more than, "o", "ya", "k", "really", "no" or "wyd". When I try to talk he say whatever or i don't care. How can you talk to someone who don't care. When we're on the phone he yells and cursing at me, even when my voice is low and calm. That's part of me trying to be a better me, I don't yell or curse while I'm talking. I feel bad for myself. How can I even love someone like that. I hate to get out of bed and eat. I walk with my head down. I just hate myself. When I try to leave he say he's going to kill himself. But when he's around people like friend he pay me no attention it takes him hours to text back. I just hate myself because I know I'm a fool. I just pray to god he's able to get my heart out of this because I don't deserve this.

Loveless
January, 9 2016 at 1:48 am

I am 28 years old and have been in relationship for almost 13 years. I guess I should have known in the beginning because all the signs showed early but I was sooo in love. He would say mean horrid things to me and I always took him back. After 7 years, we had kids and we were happy at first but not for to long. Eventually he would slap, throw things at me and call me such horrible things. My son would try to defend me but it never stopped him. Then we had two more, he was off and on with the talking to other women. After a while, I knew him so well that I could see his cheating ways resurfacing. It always would start as an overreaction to a situation and him making me feel like I was a horrible person. The. I would find texts or calls with some girl. After all of my pregnancies I gained quite a bit of weigh then the weight shaming began. He would beat me up and curse me but I won't let it stop me from going to school. Nonetheless, after everything he beats me up and calls me disgusting names I always. Take him back. He always makes me feel sorry and apologizes and tells me he only wants me but then not too long after he flips out again. He has pulled a gun on me on 2 different occasions, thrown things at me , hit me, and embarrassed me in front of neighbors and family and even my kids. I admit at times it's hard to keep up with house work and it can be hard with working sleeping and school. He tells me I'm no good I don't take care of my kids and when it gets bad I kea e the house but he won't let me take my kids. At times, I'm so depressed with how bad thi gs have gotten that I sit there and don't want to move. I feel like so emotionally drained and I don't know how to end this. Why can't I leave?

Samantha
January, 8 2016 at 3:40 am

I met my daughter's father 3 years ago. It was love at first sight, from that day we were inseparable, i never felt to loved and wanted. He was a little aggressive but I thought it was just because he loved me so much. We got an apartment when we found out i was pregnant and within the first few weeks, the same day we were supposed to move into our new place, i found out he cheated. I walked to work and he followed me screaming it was all my fault. I decided to forgive him because our life was just starting and i felt like i couldn't turn back. I told myself once I started to show, he would stop drinking and step up to be a good father. He cheated on me, hit me and stole from me (to take woman on dates, he was unemployed) through out my entire pregnancy.
Than i gave birth to our beautiful little girl, she'll be 3 in June. He didn't change, the only thing that changed is that my daughter gets to see him curse me out and hit me. Now that she's older she trys to make him stop, she yells at him, tells him not to do that to mommy and it breaks my heart. I'm supposed to be the protective parent and yet my toddler stands up for me.
He is an extreme alcoholic, he is on probation and forced to go to AA meetings, he goes drunk and no one notices. I have tried to leave, or rather threatened to leave on several occasions. I have had a gun pulled out on me and a knife to my throat. He told me once I had his child i became his property and that if he can't have his family, no one can. He told me if i run, he'll chain the doors to my family's house and set it on fire while they sleep. He said if i go to the police (and get a useless o.o.p agaist him)he'll kill me and my daughter before the cops get to the house. I believe him, he has a bad past but i told him that the past was the past and as far as i was concerned, our lives started when we met. I'm trapped and for my family's safty and my daughter's safety, i stay. He has never hurt our child but recently when he gets drunk he talks to her like he talks to me.
I don't care about myself, i care about the affects this will have on my child. I don't tell anyone even though my family is suspicious because im embarrased, i know they can't help, they'll just say to go to the police but i know for a fact the police don't see domestic violence as a priority where i live.
Ironically I'm in school to become a social worker, I am paying to be a hypocrite, I want to help other's without having the courage to help myself. I go into work everyday and i smile and say good morning and it makes me sick, they know me but no one really knows me....

anita
January, 4 2016 at 4:35 pm

To leave is golden, but to stay feels easier. To be abused hard to take. I want to leave one day and stay the next. This roller coaster ride I am on is so tiring. I'm running in circles of my own design. The greatest sacrifice is for your your own recivery, for your own sanity. Not to leave him but to find you in there somewhere, through the chaos and insanity, through the love and loss. To let go of the anger and love yourself is the hardest thing to do. I know such great sacrifice can only free Iis in the end. If it was our son or daughter or mother, it would be crystal clear. To say run like he'll and free yourself and scream I will help. But it's you, you don't know how to rescue you, a friend, a daughter, anyone esle, but how to rescue you, how to save you when you don't feel worth saving.

Tara
January, 4 2016 at 11:52 am

Its almost worth dealing with the abuse just to make sure my children and myself have a warm place to sleep and food to beat until I can financially move out. Not everyone has a place to go. I'm threatened with the fact that he will call cos and whatever authority to make sure I'm in a suitable, suitable to him, place to stay. I'm screwed regardless of what I do. Not having a vehicle and using his to gr8 to and from work also makes this step very difficult. I can't lose my job while taking the step to becomi g homeless with 2 kids. I need some advice

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
January, 6 2016 at 10:25 am

Remember that abusive people will threaten you with things they know nothing about. In your case, threatening you with getting a place equivalent to his liking after you leave is a moot threat. He cannot, single-handedly, change the law defining what is "suitable" and safe living condition. I suggest you contact the appropriate people to find out what is defined as acceptable living conditions for you and your two children.
In North Carolina 5 years ago, the courts awarded custody to my abuser when he lived in a recreational vehicle, yes, an RV. The court saw no problem with him living there with our two boys because they had heat, running water and a place to sleep.
Education is your best defense against nonsense. Find out for yourself what the law requires in your state/county, then plan to meet those standards when you leave.

Hidden
January, 3 2016 at 11:15 pm

Roger...
You my friend are not alone i am in the exact same boat as you the male with no way out.
I have a 1 year old and had to wave goodbye to him as i left the house with him saying bye daddy back. Now i have to put up with the barrage of abusive messages and he using my son as a weapon.
If anyone has an easy answer and way out i would love to hear it.

Pamela
January, 3 2016 at 11:49 am

Are there no abuse shelters in any of your communities? Abuse shelters are wonderful because they provide a safe place and help abused women and men to get back on their feet with a home and job and counseling. I've seen lives turned around from the help of these facilities. Also, Ive learned that if you're beat, go to a hospital and have them file the report; it holds up better in court that way. Once you get a report filed, there's no turning back because if you return, the Child Protective Services will remove your kids and re-home them. If you don't leave, trust me, the cycle will continue and your children and grandchildren will also be abused when they get older. Somebody has to break the cycle.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
January, 4 2016 at 8:34 am

Not all communities have shelters, and sometimes, even the ones in large cities are full. Shelter isn't always available when a person needs to leave.

t
December, 19 2015 at 4:43 pm

I have been with a guy for seven years.
He was 24 about to be 25 I just turned 17.
He was everything I wanted mischievous a rule breaker.
I was so blinded. I was smoking weed and drinking a lot with him one day. we got into a play fight and I "slapped him to hard" so he began to choke me...
and he kept choking me till I was afraid I was going to black out, I just gasped for air until he stopped which felt like an eternity.
Seven years... My mother was abused for most of my childhood. I can say she probably had it worse than me and I can also say ive seen it all,
from a gun in her mouth to her hand being sliced up to her being punched in the face so fast you wouldn't know she was being punched. :(
But ive encountered his enemy.
And I can honestly say that the man who beat my mother is considered to still be my father from my point. I loved him. And I still do he has passed away but I still till this day call him my dad.
Beyond that and many years later I found myself in the same predicament.
I am young and in love and abused. Above many things I probably don't remember among the abuse these are the very few that I do remember. Being whipped with a belt, left bruises all over my body including being slapped, mind you he never punched me but it would look like it. Once he was fixing up a house he bought and seen me on fb looking at a males profile, he grabbed a coat hanger and beat me with it I was trying to get away and he said "im going to make it to were you don't want to come back. I have told him on several occasions to kill me so I don't have to suffer. This man has three kids besides my two sad part was he beat me in front of his three. He kicked me out with everything I had more than once.
He chased me down in his truck. I thought he was going to kill me on more than one occasion. a couple of females picked me up while he was chasing me I thank these women with everything I have I told them I would give them gas money anything just help me. They said okay and as one girl was looking at me she said I think your jaw is broke.
I didn't know I never went to the hospital I never reported anything.
a lot of people will say its because im real. F**K BEING REAL. F**K THIS S**T. I HURT EVERYDAY.I do what I do for him not for myself I live every breathe for him not for me.
I am not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy I don't even want to hear how yall feel sorry for me. Like I said before I been in this for seven years.
I have been doing this my whole life.
I am scared every day I guess I am writing this because...
even though he promised never to hit me again,
he stil threatens me he still scares me and it honestly will never end.
UNTIL I LEAVE.
He today was mad at me because I wouldn't let him use my truck.
He said I am selfish we are supposed to be on a team.
I paid every dime for my truck only thing I have ever owned and he gets ad at me because I wil not let him use it.
He yelled and scolded me while I had my eight month old child in my arms yes he has a drinking problem.
So as he was yelling at me he
said "do you want me to smack the shit out of you"
I was crying but trying hard to hold it in as I explained to him how he does nothing for me.
He said so putting his money towards this house was doing nothing.
MIND YOU IM PAYING OUR MORTGAGE RENT BILLS CAR NOTE MY INSURANCE PHONE BILL BUT HE DOES SO MUCH FOR ME.
Why don't I leave.
I was about six months pregnant. yes I had not only one but two babies with this man.
I was pregnant this man decides that he want to go over his buddies house and I try to talk him out of it not only that he was drunk I was upset I didn't want him to leave. He choked me.. while I was pregnant. Choked the shit out of me. I began to black out he would release than do it again.
This man kills me a little more everyday.
He tells me to leave since I wouldn't let him use my truck no he has three cars but he has to use the one thing im trying to own.
im not going to keep writing because it would take a year or years to write my story but I just want anyone who is going through this who is young with no kids with nothing holding them back with family with friends with everything to look forward to because this is not the end he is not the end there is so much more to life than that, just be prepared be strong have a strong heart be strong fight through it no man should be able to hold you down. I just wish I would have listened I love my babies but I am in fear of what they may become if I stay.

Glenda
December, 18 2015 at 6:58 pm

I have been in an abusive relationship for three years now and everyday is different I work he doesn't so if I go to work he gets mad at me yells at me there are time he hits me and after I get ready and go to work like nothing sometimes it's after work or on my days off or if I don't have a day off I get accused of being a who're I have been to two shelters with him because I leave my jobs because he complains that I work too much and when I quit it's my fault u don't want my kid I n another shelter but I am scared he will one day kill me .he says that I test him that I like to make him mad and if I talk back I'm being brave and I think I am better than him

Angel
December, 18 2015 at 3:03 pm

I have been married for 8 yrs. My husband has been emotionally abusive to me for 12. He has rages and outbursts in public and at home. He turns every conversation into a challenge or an argument. He calls me names. He will not acknowledge me at home and in public. Refuses to sit with me at times in public. I am an attractive, successful business woman and we have 1 daughter under 5 . I want out and I don't love him anymore. I just can't get up the nerve to walk out and I have a place to go. I feel so stupid for ever taking him back afterm i dumped him for 6 mos years ago. People do not change!

Ashley
December, 14 2015 at 2:06 pm

We found out we were pregnant a little over a week and a half ago. He's always been a bit of an emotionally or verbally abusive person, but I'm not one to really let that get to me... What's gotten to me was taking care of him and his absolute disregard for how much effort I've put into it. This past Saturday I told him I was tired of paying for everything and he needed to get a hold of someone else to take care of him.... it ended in him charging and trying to restain/choke hold me 7 times that night. He held my phone until 3am when I was literally so tired that I didn't even have it in me to stay awake any longer.... and he's apologized profusely. Now here I am, pregnant with his child, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm being an irresponsible parent if I allow my child to be around him, if he's going to be a monster. But I have no idea what I'm going to do!
The hard part is now when I'm walking around my house, I'm having flash backs of him attacking me. I'm having thoughts of "what if he would have..." and it's eating me alive. If I try to start anything with him, I'm terrified of how he will react. But I want him gone, and I want him to get help, but at the same time, I want his ass in jail. My arms are covered in bruises and my wrists with holding marks from him... I just wish I had more strength.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
December, 15 2015 at 5:51 am

You aren't lacking strength. It's more of a battle with fear. To overcome fear, you've got to talk to someone. I encourage you to talk to the volunteers at http://thehotline.org or a close friend or family member. Someone who won't judge or convince you to stay.
If you can't dredge up the ability to press charges today, take pictures of your injuries. You may be able to press charges within a statute of limitations - of course, I don't know how long that would be or if it exists. Also, make a doctor's appointment and confide in him/her what happened. Don't wait for a month. Go in as a walk-in if necessary. Ask the doctor to check your throat. Oftentimes, after being choked/strangled, you'll feel soreness or as if there's a pebble or rock in your throat when you swallow. This can cause problems later, and besides, the events and injuries should be documented. Those are two things you can do to take back some power if you aren't ready to get him out of the house.
Also, start personal counseling. Don't take him with you. Tell the therapist right away that you're in an abusive relationship and don't know what to do.
The abuse often becomes worse when the abuser is convinced you're "stuck" with him or her. You being pregnant means you'll have a lifelong connection to him, so he's pretty sure you won't leave, and the abuse will continue to escalate.
As for him getting help... Sometimes, the best way for someone to realize they need help is to lose the person they love (you). If he is "helpable" then he may seek counseling on his own. However, after what you've described, I feel he will not seek help of any sort. What he's done and is doing is working. You're still there.
Call a friend or the hotline. Get some people on your side. This isn't your fault.

vera
November, 28 2015 at 7:17 am

I'm in a relationship with my daughter's father and yesterday he beat me for the first time with a closed fist on my face. My face is black and blue. I want to leave him for good. He's gone and hasn't tried to call me nor text me, so that's a good thing. I'm just so scared, what can I do.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
November, 30 2015 at 10:02 am

Call the police and have them come out and take a report. (Use your judgment whether to do this from home or from a friend's). The next time he leaves the house, you leave the house. Go to your neighbor's or a friend's until you find a permanent place to stay. Take your daughter with you. You could also go to the police station to make the report. Go now while your bruising is fresh.

Tanya
November, 26 2015 at 12:08 pm

i have been in and out of this relation for years i had the chance to stay away but when i needed help during finiancial situations i asked my partner for help which was wrong of me now that i think about it i was doing well just wanted the my kids to have a dad boy was i wrong im older wiser now i knw i dont need him but no vehicle and finiacially need those two to get things done but being verbally emotionally abused i did my search i know what to do but im looking for more to get me out why i cant just leave its easy said then done seems no one understands me but this side i came across helps in ways to get enough courage to find it in my heart to just leave god has it undercontrol for me to get it right this time and to find my will power to get out and more support i find ways to find strength and i cant stand to see my kids feel my pain or see that there is something wrong and its not healthy i want them to be happy i want to be happy my one goal i well find that if i can find ways to educate myself let other woman see or hear what i say know that they not alone i know been there been hurt in ways i understand ladies find away because ur kids need u and love u so just find a way there is away to do it find ur power and know how to handle yourself and becareful how u decide to make the move to leave if i can do so can u i have three kids two in school one stay at home i see her and i want the best for her and its going to hurt yes but it well pass u deserve better and got has lots of love in the world to let u walk alone so knw how to take care hope u all the best because u deserve it try hard may god be with u and ur journey to happiness.

Roger
November, 26 2015 at 10:42 am

I'm in a very abusive and manipulative relationship and I am the man. No one would believe what I have went through over the last 16 years.
When I met her, she was the sweetest, most loving girl I'd ever met and by three dates we were head over heels for each other. We waited until the end of the year, 5 months, before we told my mother ( my Father was already deceased) and I asked for her parents blessing. Her Father said we were a great couple without reservation. We waited until the following summer, near which she mentioned she was on a medication for her "neurology" but wanted to stop it before our wedding night, as she didn't want a baby to be exposed to it. Within a short time later, she became very argumentative and disrespectful, to the point I said we should talk to a Pastor. He convinced me it was just pre wedding jitters and we were married soon after. After we came back from the honeymoon, it was back to daily arguments and I slept on the couch most nights just to get away from her.
We had many ups and downs for over 16 years. I learned to try and avoid her hot buttons and give in all the time. Her way or else. Sometimes this meant buying her up to $100 in laundry detergent per week and continually returning that which "was the wrong color" once she poured it, or she didnt think the bag or container was clean enough. We had three kids. I stopped mentioning her needless and wasteful spending sprees as that created huge arguments around the kids, but this meant that I could not pay utilities or the mortgage. She ran up huge medical bills to the point insurance companies called her to talk about why.
Once a sweet, Church going girl, she turned into a very foul mouthed person, never happy with anything I did. Anything turned into a hot button I could not avoid. One morning when I went to take our daughter to school, the battery was dead. We came in from the garage and I told her what happened: she immediately started cussing me out and in a few seconds attempted to punch me in the face. I defensively put my hands up in front if my face, and she hit me with such force that it created bruises on the underneath side of one of her arms. She went to the Dr and told him I attacked her. A report was made.
A few days ago, 6 months or so later, she got mad about something I said and kicked me. I lightly smacked her bottom as if to say "nice try", nothing abusive at all, she then slammed her foot down on my highly infected toe, bringing me to tears. Instinctively I threw my hand down to remove her foot, but caught her arm in the process. Nothing intentional. After I removed my sock, cleaned off the blood and composed myself, I apologized for accidentally hitting her arm. I made an appointment for my toe. She never said she was sorry or that she accepted my apology. She went to a Dr appointment and it took forever, but I thought nothing of it. I told her I was going to stay home for Thanksgiving, I though we needed a break from each other. She left with the kids, and about an hour later I was visited by a deputy sheriff. He told me that my wife had went to the station and filed a domestic abuse report. I was flabbergasted.
The easy advice is "pack the bags and leave while she's out of town." She's not just abusive but manipulative, and could get me in jail for no reason. But we have three kids that would be left with her negative influence. That's really the only thing holding me back besides not being able to support two households. I don't think God would be angry with me for just wanting to avoid daily abuse. If I were rich, I would move out, do my best to try to get her help, but I'm not sure it would ever work: you have to want to change and she actually believes I am the problem.
Just trapped with no way out.

Mark Baigrie
November, 23 2015 at 5:19 pm

My wife Christine Baigrie's post is
pure fabrication. She has been on
copious meds for 4 years now, refused to see a Nerologist on our return from Fla in March/14.
She had a stroke late in 2013 - after
So many yrs together her personality changed every day and she refused to get any help. I never abused her at all. I gave her all the love I had and what I actually said to her was that she(Christine) could never love me as much as I loved her.
She had 2 extra marital affairs in
1985 and 2001. There may have been more I know nothing of, but I stayed because of so much love and responsibility and also our advanced ages now.
Every word of this is true. She marked herself up in night in June of
2014 unknown to me - went to a mutual lady friend's place and called
the police.
I never laid a hand on her and never
have and never would. My dear Christine due to all her meds and no medical care for her personality disorder they I saw up front, is a very sick woman both with her chronic illnesses and now her mind affected by 4 yrs of so many meds with No control in place to try to correct her problem - so help
me God - Mark Baigrie - married to
Christine for 35 years on Nov 29th, 2015.
I still care very much because she is so ill and what she did to me was as a result of all her meds and NOT anything I did that day and night

Jessica T
November, 8 2015 at 12:35 am

I have been with the same guy for over two years now. We've known each other since we were kids, and two weeks ago we had our first baby girl. I'm in love with him, but I cannot leave him even though I know o should. He's verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive.
It started off slowly. Just "protective" then possessive, manipulative, and controlling.
It escalates immensely when he consumes alcohol. Many of our friends have seen his outbursts. Even some of my family has heard of it, but I've always defended him. Always made excuses for him. I hoped things would change when we had our daughter, but he was still physically and verbally abusive when I was pregnant, and even after. The other night I thought he might kill me, he came home drunk after going to a buddies house after work.
I was so scared for my life...
But I can't leave, I still love him, and I wish I didn't, I know I should leave but I can't imagine life without him.
I'm also on maternity leave, only getting paid through EDD at the moment. He holds that against me. Says I need him. I had an emergency c section, so I can't start working again for awhile. I don't know what to do. He's cut me off from almost all our friends... And my family can't financially help me. My dad still has five of my siblings at home to take care of, but he's sick, and has had several strokes. We're worried for his health. My mother is currently living with her fiancé who is 20 years older then her in a motor home. So not really in the best place to help me either. I feel so alone, and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I just want to get my daughter and I out of there...

Nik
November, 7 2015 at 11:33 am

I am stuck and do not know how to get out. We have been married 11 year's and have always our ups and downs, probably more extreme than most, but the last couple of year's have been particularly bad. last year he beat me black and blue, not the first time he'd hit me but the first time it was so bad. My son was 11 and witnessed it now every argument we have I freak out put both my kid's, now 13 and 3 year old, in the car and driver away,. My eldest is frightened and I am. We have nine dog's which would break my heart to rehome. What the he'll do I do?

maxine
October, 27 2015 at 4:16 pm

I don't stay cause I love him! I hate his guts. I am trapped because I got a debilitating disease and I can't work now and I can't find a place that I can afford. He is a drunk, violent racist who thinks he is a prophet. He is so delusional .I am so afraid of him. I just got sick last Nov. I made good money. Now I am sick and He calls me a lazy, stupid Polack. I have worked my entire life. I have a 25 yr old son who was hit by a car car and paralyzed. He is jealous of the time I spend with him. I want to move so bad. He talks about bombing and killing white people. he calls me a Jew. I'm Catholic. He has punched me in the head and broken my ribs. I am embarrassed to let people know. Even the cops. I'm not a loser. I don't do drugs. I raised my children right.and worked hard all my life. He is so dangerous that I am afraid to get a restraining order because I have no where to hide and he'll come back and kill me. He has grandiose delusions that he is a prophet. That scares the hell out of me because everyone knows if someone thinks they are a prophet, they are crazy. Does anyone that reads this help or is it just to vent? I NEED to get out of here quickly! I have so much recorded on my phone so if I'm dead, they will know what happened to me. I hope he never finds my phone before the cops do. I need to be here. my kids need me. and I love life and people. I have know idea how I got stuck with this manipulating freak. I am not a stupid person. He put on an act for long enough to trap me. If I did not develop this disease, I would have enough money to leave. My nerves are shot and I have to pretend I'm ok around people. Just to degrading to let anyone know.

Maryann
October, 25 2015 at 3:49 am

He fractured my knee.
He duct taped my mouth, arms and legs.
He picked me up by my throat twice and threw me across the room

Ashley
October, 22 2015 at 4:03 pm

I'm 19 years old my boyfriend is 25. We've been together almost a year now. For the past 6 months or so its been nothing but constant physical and emotional abuse. One minute he's the sweetest guy in the world, then the next minute its a whole different story. I've crier myself to sleep many nights because of this. Every time I tell him I'm leaving he threatens to kill me and even my family, he knows where I wor,, what I drive, where my family stays and everything else. I just want to go home to my parents more than anything.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
October, 23 2015 at 7:58 am

Go home to your parents, Ashley. His threats will be easier to deal with when you're away from him (preferably with a restraining order, but it's not necessary). Don't tell him you're leaving, just go.
If you don't get a restraining order before you leave and he stalks you at work, at your parents, on your drive to work, or anywhere else, go get the order ASAP. It is dangerous to think he won't carry through on his threats. Maybe he won't attempt to hurt anyone, but it's not a good idea to assume that.
After you're at your parents, put some safety precautions in place. Here is a safety plan that will help you: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ (Scroll to the bottom of the page and download the free version.)
Ashley, just do. Don't tell him a damn thing. Anyone who threatens to kill you as at least thought of it a little bit. It's unwise to give him a heads up that you're actually going through with it.

A
October, 21 2015 at 7:34 pm

I have been in a mentally and verbally abusive marriage for almost twenty years with a bipolar man. He is very needy and does nothing for himself most the time. He doesn't even drive. I decided to leave seven years ago because i couldnt take it and the fighting was scaring my sick dog. but then he got sicker and died two months later and i was a mess. I needed him and he didnt support me emotionally in that time of need. After realizing he wasnt there for me emotionally, physically, or sexually a couple years later i gave my husband the option for couples counseling or the marriage was over emotionally for me and all marital, physical, and emotional norms were over. He refused. We stayed living together and i started my own life and put my needs first. The abuse got better until three years later when he got involved with someone and got cocky because he didnt think he needed me so i filed for divorce. I ended up not going through with it because he wasnt doing well without me and i realized i couldnt live with the outcome because i do still love him. He would end up killing himself in one way or another and the hatred would be unbarable for me. I know im not responsible but would still be devistated. I wish we could divorce and stay friends. I wish he would find happiness elsewhere but he has no family and no friends except women who end up using him and leave. Lately though he started with the anger and hatred again. I have come to the conclusion a couple times that suicide was my answer. It would get me away from him without having to live with what becomes of him but i love my dogs and cant leave them. Now i am at the point i dont know what to do because again i cant take it the fighting is scaring my dogs. I have also become sick from the stress. Dr say i can have a massive heartattack or stroke. But i still cant divorce and cant kill myself. Part of me says to take half our money and run away. Dont look back ever but i know the lawyers would find me and id have to deal with it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
October, 23 2015 at 8:01 am

Life is teaching you the same lesson a second time. When that happens, the lesson's results tend to be worse if you don't act more quickly than you did the first time.
You have no way of knowing if your mate will die after you leave. You do know that staying is causing health problems that will lead to your death. Will you stay based on a fear or leave based on a reality? As always, it's your choice. But I hope you leave.

lisa
October, 17 2015 at 12:59 pm

Wow, I stumbled across this website because Ive been trying to find out why I am staying in yet another abusive relationship, this time emotionally and verbally which to me seems far far worse than the physical hurt. Im pretty sure my boyfriend is narcissistic, he can do no wrong and will go days without messaging me or talking to me via the phone, its a long distance relationship we've met 7 times in the past year and the verbal abuse is getting worse as is his ignoring me. He says its all my fault because I am insecure and yet his actions are creating my insecurities.
I'm at a loss as to how to end this relationship and not feel like I am totally worthless.
I'm no spring chicken, 52 now, will I find someone else at this age? I have to be totally okay with the possibility of being single for the rest of my life and that scares me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
October, 19 2015 at 12:18 pm

At 52, you're still a spring chicken! You have time to heal from the abuse, learn to love yourself even when you're not in a relationship, and find real and true love. You're looking at possibly another 40 years. Maybe more as medicine advances. Don't let your age keep you from pursuing true happiness. You deserve it. You deserve joy.

amy
October, 15 2015 at 7:38 pm

So my baby's father (she is almost three) has mostly stopped the abuse except for some verbal and psychological. But he continues to pressure me for sex. He hurt me so much emotionally for so many years I just don't want him any more but I have to give in occasionally just to keep the peace, he is a pro at starting fights by pushing my buttons and provoking me into anger then I will feel guilty and offer sex to "fix" him because I feel bad for hurting him. I love him but no longer want any intimacy whatsoever with someone who has been so psychologically brutal to me and I do not trust. But I have to sleep with him. I have to do it tonight he did it to me again today and set me up to feel guilty and no way out other than sex. This man is a twisted individual and it sucks because I am a smart, good, nice person and he uses it against me and manipulates me into sex. Someday soon I will leave and I will never come back, so help me God, sick of feeling like the world's dumbest cheapest hooker.

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