I Miss My Manic Symptoms
Admitting that I miss my manic symptoms has been difficult. A large part of my mental illness recovery has been fueled by the desire to get better. I continuously work towards recovery, but I still face guilt when I find myself missing the symptoms experienced from my manic episodes as someone with bipolar disorder.
Why Would I Miss My Manic Symptoms?
For almost three years, I have been prescribed mood stabilizers, and I have continued to take steps to manage my bipolar disorder, and yet, I sometimes still find myself missing the manic version of myself.
After years of hard work, why would I miss symptoms that caused chaos and destruction in my life? Why would I long for the symptoms that caused my friends and family to fear for my wellbeing?
The Symptoms of Mania I Miss
Manic episodes are different on a person-by-person basis. For me, I had unlimited energy, staying out till 6 A.M. regularly and still feeling energized after. I felt immune and continuously put myself into dangerous situations because I believed I never had to face the consequences.
What I long most for now is the sense of fearless confidence I had. I wasn't worried about what others thought of me because, in my mind, I was the best, and I knew what was best. If anyone disagreed, they were wrong, end of discussion.
Why Missing Mania Doesn't Make Me Bad
I'm embarrassed to own up to the fact that I miss my manic episodes, but realistically, there is reason to miss some parts of mania. I was able to accomplish my to-do list, tomorrow's to-do list, and next week's to-do list with three hours of sleep. I had social events scheduled every day of the week.
In my current life, I struggle with anxiety and self-confidence. This includes being scared of driving and speaking up and living in the constant fear of inconveniencing others. I pick apart the way I look, the way I dress, and even the content I write here. These are more recent worries, ones I didn't deal with before my mental illness recovery.
I've beaten myself up for feeling guilty about missing these manic symptoms, but I'm finally coming to peace with it. I'm not a bad person for grieving a past version of myself. My feelings are my feelings; there is no way around it.
Missing Manic Episodes and Moving Forward
Of course, there were some benefits, but I would never trade my recovery for a manic episode. It's okay to acknowledge emotions while simultaneously knowing that it's best to move forward.
When these feelings arise, I remind myself what I have to lose if I stop taking my recovery seriously. Sure, the idea of unlimited confidence and energy is tempting, but I know that I could put myself in a seriously dangerous situation, and when looking at it logically, it's not worth it.
Manic episodes are complex, and it's okay to miss the upsides that mania provides, but it's more important to remember the downsides and risks that come with not managing those episodes. No one should feel guilty for their feelings, but it's always a nice reminder that nothing feels better than having a true sense of control over your life.
Jarvis, M. (2023, November 7). I Miss My Manic Symptoms, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, December 5 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/2023/11/i-miss-my-manic-symptoms