I’m Trying to Win Against Bipolar Disorder and I Hate It
Wednesday, September 20 2017 Natasha Tracy
I consider bipolar disorder to by my main enemy most of the time and I’m trying to win against my bipolar disorder. But the word “try” sucks. I hate the word “try.” Yes, I’m “trying” to win against my bipolar disorder but all this “trying” is exhausting and full of failure.
Why I Hate the Word ‘Try’ When ‘Trying’ to Win Against Bipolar
Do or do not. There is no ‘try.’ – Yoda
The word “try” suggests that you work to achieve a goal over and over but never quite get there. This is my experience with bipolar disorder. I hit my head against the bipolar wall over and over again and never quite make it through. Instead, I just get a really sore head.
I understand that this is because there is no real “final win” against a chronic, lifelong illness. Some people certainly experience periods – sometimes extended periods – of wellness, and one could consider that a “win” but this is not my experience with bipolar disorder. My definition of “win” generally involves the ability to shower, clean my apartment or cook myself dinner.
‘Trying’ to Win Against Bipolar Disorder
The frustrating part is that the “trying” never ends. Taking a shower never gets easier. Cleaning my apartment is never something I want. Cooking myself dinner is generally the last thing I want to do. When I do any of these things, it is evidence of “trying” and not meeting the final goal of overall wellness remission.
Oh, I made myself dinner. Let’s do throw a tickertape parade.
But “trying” is never “winning” against bipolar disorder.
Yes, I’m Still “Trying” to Win Against Bipolar Disorder
All of the above feelings are real and things I really battle with on a day-to-day basis. That said, though, “trying” really is very important. If you’re not trying you’re dying? This is probably true. So “trying” is definitely the better option there.
As I’ve said before, you need to celebrate the little wins in bipolar disorder. I know this. I know this about my life and I know it for people in general. This is because the big win of full bipolar disorder remission simply may never come.
Nevertheless, the fight matters. And here’s why: if you don’t “try” to win against bipolar disorder you never will. “Trying” is the only thing that ever leads to any degree of success – small or large. So as much as the frustration with “trying” is real, it’s also something I need to beat back. It’s also something I need to keep in check. I have to put it in its place. And when I step back and look at it, as frustrating as it is to try and try and not achieve the final goal, the “trying” itself is success.