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Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping

October 20, 2011 Natasha Tracy

Depression is painful and that pain can continue no matter what you do. But when sleeping, there is a break from the pain of depression. More at Breaking Bipolar blog.

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~The Princess Bride

Life is pain. Or, at least, it can be. I've found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. There is nothing else. Just pain or unconsciousness. I prefer unconsciousness.

Not Sleeping with Depression

We're expected to be awake most of the time. The trouble is, not sleeping with depression is horrendously painful. It is the pain that makes pain scream. And there tends to be nowhere to hide. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.

And the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Don't slit your wrists. Don't overdose. Don't jump off a building. It's all so entirely exhausting.

Sleeping When You Have Depression Is Less Painful

But being asleep is different. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Somehow in my dreams I'm normal. I fall in love. I smile. I do the impossible. I feel happy. I have no idea how my brain manages it. But somehow it doesn't register the pain.

And flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. It's just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. It's your brain, on sleep.

So I'm Tired, A Lot

And so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?

And knowing this, I feel very, very tired. It's true, depression will make a person tired regardless, but I suspect my mind, knowing of the relief of sleep, urges its presence rather strongly.

And while I know it's difficult to get work down or clean the kitchen while asleep, it's so much better than many of the other options. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. Not getting any better. But not getting worse. And not getting dead. That's something.

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2011, October 20). Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/10/depression-id-rather-be-sleeping



Author: Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is a renowned speaker, award-winning advocate and author of Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar.

Find Natasha Tracy on her blog, Bipolar BurbleTwitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Shelby
says:
May, 5 2019 at 8:25 pm
I want to sleep all of the time that I either drink or take meds to put me to sleep.
May, 6 2019 at 10:09 am
Hi Shelby,

I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want to do anything to escape -- which is what sleep is, of course. Please work with your doctor to find a way to deal with the pain in a more healthy way. I managed to get through that and I know you can too.

- Natasha Tracy
Frank
says:
December, 5 2018 at 1:44 am
I feel when I sleep I'm no longer in pain. Mentally I'm not alone. I don't have anxiety and depression. I don't feel like "Why do I have to be around all these people" because I'm an Introvert (and often hide my uncomfortable feeling around anyone). I feel better in the dark as I fall asleep because im not thinking about things I'll never have. I'm not this loser or broken person no one will want
Delisa
says:
September, 10 2018 at 9:17 am
I wake up in tears nearly every morning. This is the first time I have ever admitted this to any, other than myself. I've come to the conclusion, that life is all about loss. Loss of childhood, loss of innocence, loss of beloved family members, loss of beloved pets, loss of youth, loss of purpose, loss of interest. It's all loss. I wake up, looking forward to going to sleep at night. I go to sleep as early as possible and I get out of bed only when I just can't sleep another minute. I'm alone a lot, but that doesn't bother me. To get out in the world is to be reminded of just how depressing being 60+ is. The world is changing and leaving me behind. I'm terrified of what lies ahead for me. . death. I don't notice how much the world has changed, if I just stay home. I crochet to gain peace and I have a room full of crocheted blankets, throws, shawls, etc. I used to try to tell people about my depression, but there is no quicker way to lose a friends (another loss) then to mention it or that you are/have been experiencing it for years. So, I hide it. I cry when I'm alone. Nobody wants to know how I REALLY feel, so I hide it. I did try meds for awhile, but they were so expensive, I had to stop, cold turkey. That was the worst part of my life. I decided that handling it myself, was better that medications and their side effect and the price! And so the world goes on and I trudge along with it. I have two forms of release: sleep & crocheting. My best friends are my pets. Not even my husband wants to hear about my depression. so, I feel like I'm constantly 'on stage' with a smile plastered on my face. This is the first place where I've admitted all this.
September, 11 2018 at 8:58 am
Hi Delisa,

It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now. If you're not willing to work with a doctor with regards to treatment, I highly recommend you seek out a therapist. It's not healthy to keep everything bottled up with a smile plastered on your face. Things will just get worse that way.

(By the way, medications don't have to be expensive. Generic antidepressants tend to be quite affordable. Talk to your doctor about options. Sometimes they don't take into consideration cost.)

Please seek out some kind of help. Things can get better but you have to reach out.

- Natasha Tracy
Todd
says:
May, 28 2019 at 2:31 am
Delisa -- I feel for you. I want to sleep all the time, too, and feel like my life has always been like this. Sometimes I feel like being born was this cruel trick. At least you came on here and felt like you could say what you did. It is extremely frustrating when the people around you don't want to listen. I wonder if there are some people who just do not relate to depression. Humor works sometimes, but not all the time. Jeez, it sucks... I don't like getting older, either, and my best friend is moving to another part of the country. Oh, I'm really sad right now. I hope you have some good days scattered in the rest.
Tanya
says:
August, 19 2017 at 10:54 am
Just thank you. I just want to sleep, so I don't feel. Plus I have chronic fatigue. I despise the fact I can't get things done around my home. I just want to sleep my days away.
Melisa
says:
February, 8 2017 at 12:18 am
hi there Natasha, i.m so happy that i run into this post by you. i was speaking to someone a few days back and he told me that he feels so emotional. he sees a lot of sad things happen around him and all he wants to do is sleep so he won't see the sadness anymore. he's tried to commit suicide a couple of times. he's healthy physically, i guess but i feel like on the inside mentally and emotionally he might be really broken. he is also addicted to sleeping pills but it sound to me like he is addicted to the sleep, getting a chance to get away from the world and it's troubles. he used to take a lot of alcohol but he said he isn't addicted to it. i was wondering what you think about that and if you know any help or advise he could get to be and feel much better. thank you!!!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dee
says:
March, 10 2018 at 4:01 am
He needs to learn to make himself happy. We cant change anyone but we can change how we feel

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Pavolo
says:
April, 20 2018 at 5:34 pm
You can't make yourself happy when you are depressed. But you can think of solutions to the sadness around you, and in so doing, maybe get motivated enough to do something about them. Heal the world, and in so doing, heal yourself.
sarah
says:
January, 29 2017 at 1:42 am
Hi alexandria.i know the feeling of wanting to sleep all day.i had been doing that.i ended up in hospital where i was encouraged into a routine of being up,breakfast etc.maybe u mite need the same.setting ur alarm and if u dont get up first time snooze it,pull open curtains and lie back let light in.stay with people,are u living with anyone,ask them to check in with u.do everything but stay in bed for more than 8 to ten hours.cry,go for a walk,ring a support line,swim,do something anything other than stay in bed,im not better yet but im better than what i was.wishing you well again.x sarah.
Alexandria
says:
January, 28 2017 at 10:54 am
I swear this is how I feel every day. I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life .
It started in my late teens and now at 32 all I want to do is sleep. I used to Goto nursing school and work three jobs all while enjoying life.
Now I can't even get up to eat. Literally... Can't be bothered to get up to let the dog outside .he usually stays in bed with me.
I don't know how I make it to work or make it awake at all;
when all that I want is to get back into bed, pull the covers up to my shoulders, get into fetal position and cuddle with my dog for as long as possible while being asleep... Be it 8,12, 18 or sometimes over 24 hours on the weekend.
Just to wake up and say to myself "oh my god I just want to go back to bed"
Depression,anxiety, add, bi polar, all mental illnesses are horrible and I wish we received as much empathy as those with physical ailments .
Guinevere
says:
December, 31 2016 at 3:50 am
I have just recently decided to not take anti depressants (as of the first week of dec., 2016) because of the sedating side effects being too much to bear. However, even though I know I am getting enough sleep, the siren call of going to bed is so strong for me. I don't know what I should do to combat it. It it best to stay awake and force myself to be productive until an appropriate bed time? I wish I wasn't so tired.
Edward Cantarella
says:
December, 7 2016 at 4:05 am
Great article. Yeah, sleep is the best escape with only the "slightly asleep, slightly awake" state being better. In that state you can say NO, I am not waking up, I am just going to indulge myself with this dream or fantasy, whatever and hopefully just fall back asleep. Good night world!
After having my first manic attack at age 56 I find myself wanting to hide under a blanket and doing that every minute I can get away with it. Seems I go locked onto the behavior when I was in mental hospital. Didn't want to deal with the place so I would just lay in bed and daydream. Wishing I would just "wake up" and stop.
Jodie Wilson
says:
October, 20 2016 at 5:12 am
I just slep for 2days....getting up for water and food amd straight back to sleep. ....does anyone domthis?
Dave
says:
October, 7 2016 at 10:48 pm
I thought I was the only 46 yr old man in the world that got into this stage of wanting to sleep my life away.It actually started in my 20s.Weird thing is everything can be going great and here comes this thing that takes me back down again.I can do great for months and for no reason at all hit a depression for no reason at all!!!WTF I sleep away progress for days...and don't care until I can't dream/sleep anymore. Then I'm shamefully trying to get myself back on track.And yes I do...its a painful cycle and I'm so tired of it.Can this 26 yr repetitivness stop?
Don M.
says:
September, 5 2016 at 9:32 am
I love to sleep. I know it's an escape but it's addicting. I look forward to my dreams as I would the excitement of a movie I've been wanting to come out. The goes by and you try to focus on the world around you, work, making small talk, trying to convince yourself to exercise, but inside your
mind keeps telling you that it's all an illusion and the dream state is the real world- where you're happy and in control. It's so hard to see other people enjoying themselves, going out with friends and all I can do is ask why not me? I've gone down that path of despair and jumped off that cliff, the bathtub is no place to end everything, even if that's the first time you feel strength. I battle everyday that demon and some days are harder than others. It's always there and it always will be, I know that. You have to fight- I know it's like just sitting a hole that's too deep and slippery to claw your way out. That hopelessness is overwhelming and can feel in surmountable. It's a scary place to be on that precipice and most people don't know the pain that drives us there- and that's ok, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. We are survivors and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Each day you make it through is one step closer to healing. Just know that we're here for you. Reach out, take just one small step towards the outstretched hands that are waiting to grab you and help to heal you.
Susan P.
says:
August, 28 2016 at 8:11 am
I love sleep too. It's my escape! I have no worries when I sleep. Sometimes I will be having an awesome dream and I start waking up and I feel like "no don't wake up....go back to sleep, please." I have no motivation, no energy. I hate to even have to get up to go to the bathroom. If I don't have something really easy to eat like chips or a piece of pizza, then I just stay in the bed and the hungriness eventually passes. I do think of death all the time. I worry about my family members and even myself dying and going to hell. I hate myself alot. I hate that I can't make myself get up and do anything. I just feel like sleeping until I kick the nuvket,. Alright, enough I'm going to sleep. Goodnight!
John
says:
August, 24 2016 at 6:07 pm
Everything you wrote I was able to relate to. Everyday I rather be asleep it makes me feel better. Sleep makes me feel happy, with no worries or problems. It's very hard when I'm awake during the day. Thank you for sitting this blog out whatever it is.
Ayanna
says:
July, 14 2016 at 8:56 am
I have suffered through depression my entire life, since I was a teenager and I'm 34. It comes in phases. I have extreme highs lows. There are moments where I want to get out of bed and tackle the day and than they are moments where I just shut the blinds and close my eyes. I don't sleep much but I stay in. I have become a bit of a recluse only going out when I have no choice. Life is becoming to much to bear at times. I can't tell anyone because they don't understand. I don't form relationships cause I know I can't emotionally deal with them. I try to have a better life but it's something in my that is not connecting or functioning properly. I'm broken.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Senna Star
says:
July, 30 2017 at 1:16 pm
please contact me, I feel the same and I hate it

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alison
says:
August, 20 2017 at 2:47 pm
How are you doing right now, Senna?
Maxine
says:
July, 5 2016 at 4:05 am
Well I've been going to my bed almost for 10 years. I now live in Spain. My mother in law got involved in my marriage and said some really hurtful things to me in front of my children. Because my husband brought us to a foreign country and took my oldest girl away in the first 2 weeks of moving here. He was waiting for redundancy for 2 months. My husband just stood there and said nothing. My oldest daughter stayed behind in the UK which devastated me. I've never picked up from all this and blame my husband all the time and it's caused many problems in my marriage. She never apologised. I don't know whether this has triggered my depression off. But when I go to bed my mind rests. I have no energy and even doing small tasks wear me out. I recently come off lorepanzol and it has made me worse. I was a little better on them. I'm very lonely as all my children are grown up and gone back to the UK. I have no friends no car and sit up the house most days on my own while my husband works. He won't go by to the UK. I'm suicidal. Help.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Natasha Tracy
says:
July, 5 2016 at 9:00 am
Hi Maxine,

I've very sorry to read that you are in that situation and that you are feeling that way. It sounds like you need to reach out to others and make a positive plan.

See here for our hotlines and resources that may be able to help: http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/

If there aren't resources there for your location, just Google for similar organizations (like the Samaritans, hotlines, and so on) in your location. Believe me, they are out there and they can help you.

- Natasha Tracy
Karan
says:
May, 24 2016 at 6:12 pm
Perfect article.I love sleeping because of the same reason.The dreams I have in sleep make me so happy,it is like I am a king of my own world.I can do anything.But when I am awake,it is depressing.Most of the things are not in my control and life just seems to drag on.
Ma
says:
April, 23 2016 at 8:17 am
Apparantly depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Depression isn’t your fault. The chemical imbalance occurs when tragetty (I am a horrible speller) happens and a person doesn’t find a way to deal with the situation, doesn’t find an outlet. Like having a car accident and not talking about it, or someone close dying and not being able to properly greive, abuse and never coming to terms with it, etc. However, having had depression from a very young age, where I was 7 and took a bottle of pills because I wanted an end to my life and want to just go home where I was loved (heaven-I believed back then) I realized that dealing with the pain was better then trying to escape it. I realized I was in control of the toughts I allow into my head, I am master and builder of my life. I choose to see the glass half full rather than half empty. Yes, there is beauty in winter.
Michael
says:
February, 24 2016 at 9:27 am
Life is an insufferable word which causes me and my family misery everyday. My constant conversations with family members coercing me into believing life is worth living, what it would do to people if I were to end it. This is the biggest pain of everything for me personally, being told that something I wish to do can not be allowed to happen just to suit others. Life isnt about freedom or happiness, it's a death sentence in its self.
Cyn
says:
February, 10 2016 at 12:19 pm
When I sleep I'm so happy, I have wonderful dreams of my family being together so happy, no worrys no problems, no bills, no job. And I'm free to be free. I think back on my life and haven't done anything with it depresses me, working min wage. No money more problems. I gave up my youth raising my son. My husband is a ass hole, never letting me dream, keeps me from school. he loves to throw me back to reality whitch is getting harder to do now, my son always bring bad notes from school to throw him out. I gave up my youth for them, I think what a waste. When I sleep it goes away. My pain to be alive fades away. It doesn't matter if I get drugs to make me happy or see a doctor. They can't fix me. I try to enroll to school or leave him but he prevents me, with money and my son.
Kurtd
says:
January, 18 2016 at 9:15 pm
Life is random and everybody's different that have there own individual dreams. but the harsh reality of the world we live in is for most that is all they every will be, only dreams. I grew up in a violent home with alcoholic mom, i have experienced and seen things that have caused me a lot of pain as a young child. My dad was always away working but i believe it was his way of staying away from the abuse my mother did to him. Mom left me and my baby brother when i was ten and my brother was 3. It really hurt me that she ran away. My dad still kept working all the time and my brother was took care of by my aunt, I was by myself mostly and became very sad and felt scared. In my teenage years i started drinking and ended up becoming a nasty person, fighting and getting into trouble a lot. I was so angry all the time. I ended up in psychiatric hospital on numerous occasions and was put on anti psychotic drugs for years that make me feel nothing but numb. When i was 26 i had a daughter and i stopped drinking and have never touched a drop since. Now in my late 30s i have very little, no job, money or friends. People have not forgotten my drinking years and it follows me around under whispers. I do feel ashamed and embarrassed of the person i was. I feel sad and sleep 18 hours a day every day often 24 hours. I never eat just maybe once every two days. The last 3 months i have stopped taken my medication because i cant afford to be asleep because i have responsibility's a daughter! But everything feels worse now. I've slept 36 hours have had nothing to eat for over 4 days. I am going to my doctor later today to basically be put back to sleep with some meds. I wish the doctors could give me a reason why i feel like this. I want to live life awake but its to painful. Sleep is peace but at what cost?
Valerie
says:
January, 17 2016 at 8:52 am
This article is exactly how I feel everyday of my life. It's like when I'm awake I feel trapped with all the painful emotions of life and every breath is painful. So I like to just sleep when I sleep I am happy n don't feel any sadness it's like having all the weight lifted off of me an I can be in love and happy! I can sleep all day if I had the time! I'd rather sleep than go out anywhere!
SPM
says:
December, 24 2015 at 9:45 pm
It is Christmas Eve and I am spending the night alone in bed. I have been depressed for 17 years. I have no friends, and my relationship with my close family only exists because they feed off seeing me sad. I am a very successful business person, and I feel that when they see me sad it makes them feel good.
Marla Rice
says:
October, 2 2015 at 7:46 am
I am caretaker of my 80 yr old mom,she has always been in bed,I mean 50 percent of her entire live.I remember as a child.mom was in bed all the time.she never went to enroll any of her 11 children in school.she never went to any back to school nights,recently I went to my sons junior year of back to school night,my mom ask me whats that?i have spoken with her siblings recently,and they told me my mom was like that all her life.even when they married and had children,my aunt Fay told me whenever they would go to my moms to visit,they would have to go to her bedroom.can you please help me if there is something I can do to help my mama.
Eric Andrews
says:
April, 17 2015 at 10:18 pm
Sleep may seem the ultimate fix to all worries,problems etc.. But in all honesty its a weak way in humility face your demons in reality push yourself to stay strong enjoy the essentials of life and take it all on head first! I'm afraid I won't wake up when I go to dose off and that's a scary thing to think about I'm a warrior I been through storm and still riding it until this day alive and awake

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Realist
says:
May, 18 2019 at 11:23 pm
You need a good dose of empathy, Mr. Warrior. [moderated]
j.
says:
April, 7 2015 at 6:12 pm
I really don't know where to start but I'll try anyways. I'm a male in my mid twentys and I feel so ashamed of my lack ability to fight this deep depression. I at times feel optimistic but then I'll start to beat myself up mentally. I feel useless and hopeless. I believe in and love God and maybe if there's anyone out there that can understand me and talk to me please text me six four six five eight eight twelve eighty three. Thank you.
Renita
says:
January, 25 2015 at 7:04 am
Yes indeed, compliance/adherence to meds prescribed by professionals is always a choice. Refuse to take your meds (or reduce them on your own) and see what happens. If your psyschiatrist does not meet your needs find someone or something else that will. If you are not happy with your life the way it is change it. I have lived INDEPENDENTLY and maintained a job with the SAME employer for over 33 years. I have bipolar 1 disorder. We are physical, mental and spiritial beings. Sometimes it's not just the disease causing the problem... As the saying goes, "until you've walked a mile in MY shoes..."
Hollister Ann Horn
says:
January, 25 2015 at 1:01 am
It is my personal opinion that psychiatrist's treat & prescribe their depressed patient's with ..................yet more heavily sedating & entirely way too strong Anti-Depressant's that is abuse rather than an honest authentic or true remedy for their psychiatric patient's they've listed as Depressed for their condition needing to be treated? Now intellectually you honestly tell me how on GOD's green earth ..............you can treat, fix, rectify or reverse Depression in a psychiatric Depressed sad down in the dump's patient w/ pill's that are heavily sedating & by their psychiatric doctor's prescribing them Anti-Depressant's that only more severely over sedate & completely knock them out to sleep their entire day's away & gain 40-60 pounds in fat of weight with in less than a 3 month period after being prescribed? They virtually sleep 24 hours a day after being treated by their psychiatrist's..................that is down right ...............FULL THROTTLE ABUSE! You depressed patient's have a mind of your own so stop being so...................OBEDIENT & COMPLIANT & BLINDLY WILLING to pop anything a shrink prescribe's to you w/ yourself first also forming an opinion about how that medication makes your body physically feel? You are grown mature adults that have every damn right to reject your shrink's pill's & simply tell your doctor no & that you are not comfortable w/ the medication with which he has prescribed to you & he need's to try another less sedating & fatiguing depression pill because you simply are not a little helpless 6 yr. old kid & you are refusing his treatment until he prescribes one medication to reverse & reduce your depression that dose not include sedating or overly heavily medicating you as though you to other people in the community appear to be drunk & smashed on alcohol drooling & with your tongue hanging down past your chin as you stumble & wobble clumsily & like a drunken slob all over town as other's stare in frightened shock & amusement laughing & possibly causing you to be hit by passing car's at 5:00pm heavy rush hour traffic time because of your overly medicated & severely sedated physical state from the Anti-Depressant's prescribed to lift your sad mood & or relieve & treat & reverse your depression........................that..................GOD DAMN it is in no way possibly rectified nor to be relieved by treatment w/ ..................................more Depressants & or heavily sedating overly fatiguing psychiatric ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ................which all these years has been & probably will continue to be abuse to psychiatric depressed patient's until they realize they have the right to refuse their shrink's downers & to say no to overly sedating & sleep inducing fat gaining drugs that encourages them to virtually sleep their entire lives away daily so as not to be either a burdon to their families or to the staffed employee's with in psychiatric nut ward's of inpatiented locked up behavioral health mental health hospital wing's & to w/ these sedating pills render psychiatric patients to be as less of a bother or burden either verbally or physically as they are all rendered by these Anti-Depressants ..................comatose & asleep well over a 16 hour period of any given time period span daily therefore thus rendering them more easily to interact & deal w/ by family & or nurses when locked up inside an in-patient mental nut ward wing....................Abuse & absolutely no GOD DAMN REMEDY for REVERSING .............DEPRESSION? GOD DAMN it you psychiatric patients need to start saying no & refusing to pop sedatives & fatiguing Anti-Depressants.................exercise your GOD DAMN RIGHTS as an ..............ADULT & simply say.................NO to your ................drug pushing Psychiatric doctors! ~~Hollister Ann Horn~~

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nikki
says:
November, 29 2018 at 9:58 am
Here’s the thing... without these meds we’d all be planning ways to kill ourselves so I’m thinking ? the meds are probably the lesser of 2 evils. Right now, this is working for me.
Renita
says:
January, 24 2015 at 9:14 am
When I am depressed which is quite often theses days I lay on the sofa and sleep because in sleep I can be or do anything I can't in my waking life. Consequently my waking life gets progressively more difficult to live in. I lose almost all my motivation to do normal daily stuff.

Like sleep, I zone out sometimes watching TV to get my mind off of what's bothering me and focus on something else, fantasy. The other day I was watching The Dog Whisperer on TV. A very depressed looking dog could not be coaxed no how to get out of a very comfortable livingroom chair. He kept running back into it every time his owner dragged him out. I totally identified with this pathetically sad looking dog. Then I watched as Ceasar Milan slowly got him out of that state and it reminded me of how similar his method was to a therapist I had once. I GENTLY and CONSISTENTLY had to be forced to get up and do something other just than lay there and sleep my life away. Then I was encouraged to make make a realistic plan to do something else each day, other than sleep. Then the following day I was rewarded with praise for what I did accomplish (I was not admonished for what I didn't get done). Day after day slowly building on my successes no matter how small and learning not to focus on the failures I managed to stay off that couch long enough to LIVE my life instead of just endure it. By the way, Ceasar Milan has also suffered mental illness...

I believe God uses whoever or whatever he can sometimes to wake us up
Susan
says:
January, 23 2015 at 3:09 pm
Just read this for the first time. Perfect description, beautifully worded. Thank you.
bree
says:
January, 22 2015 at 8:25 am
Diane, your comment on lack of depression while dreaming really hit me. I am never depressed in my dreams and, in fact, have a pretty fabulous life when I'm sleeping. Could this be one of the reasons we sleep so much? And if dreams are a reflection of our subconscious mind why isn't our depression/BPD expressed in them? Just one more thing to ponder...
lorenzo
says:
January, 21 2015 at 10:47 pm
today my youngest son 16 birthday. I have six children was married for 27 years. the last three years I have been without my family. We were
blessed. I was sent to jail for a bad checks after a severe manic episode
i am now a felon and know one will hire me. I been in a small room for three years sleep all day up all not by my self. I need help can someone
call me .i feel nothing but depression. iam 54 i want my wife and kids back. 610-504-2930. I am so close to death
Diane
says:
January, 2 2015 at 1:17 pm
I've searched and searched for the reason why I don't feel depression when I dream. I want to understand what is happening chemically and physiologically in my brain as to why. Of course, I try to sleep as much ass possible. I have back issues so I have pain meds and antianxiety drugs that can knock me out. When I am awake, the whole in my chest of pain is so hard to deal with. I am even on two depression meds. This all started with PTSD. I don't know how to feel anything other than pain when I am awake. It is getting harder and harder for me to fake "okayness" enough during the day to function at my small part time job. I use to be a person whose heart was full of joy and flowers and love. It's nothing but holes. I attend therapy weekly just to make it week to week. Does anyone know the "mechanics" of feeling normal during dreams?
Gary
says:
November, 6 2014 at 7:06 pm
I'm 50ish I'm a man, and I'm anxiety ridden about my lack of tasking ability to make a living.
That is, I sleep to hide from worry of loosing my home???
I have no energy or drive to get out on jobs to fix my financial situation and tell myself I will catch up later when I feel better.

I can sleep 15 hours a day on average and have slept as many as 20 hours just to not think of problems that seem to be a great mountain for me to level all alone.

My depression brings on lac of drive to get up and be responsible, that brings on financial problems which causes anxiety as im loosing everything and I'm stuck!!!

I'm seeking help and taking meds for depression and anxiety and going to classes on depression and anxiety and hope to soon function again and be the social butterfly I used to be.
I'm told the meds don't do everything and getting out of bed is a process of forcing myself to get out of bed to get in rithum again.
I'm in fear of failure so bad I just want to hide, eat and sleep in comfort until the antidepressants start working and hope for the best in recovering.

Wish me luck as I do you all:)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Bruce coultas
says:
August, 2 2018 at 2:45 pm
Im in the same boat. In my 50s raised kids on my own with a career ans when thwy moved away i lost it all. Cant find a purpose in life or a reason to go on. I sleep constantly qnd it has messed up my mind. Ready to end it all just dont have the guts. I remember wakimg up and loving to live the day. Its gone now and the day terrifies me. Everyday. I dont lnow how to fix myself.
colt
says:
July, 31 2014 at 2:24 pm
Hey Alexis. I am sorry about the loss you have faced in your life. Life is a painfully pleasant journey. A mind trip in my opinion. The heartache we face everyday is not easy to suffer through. You will find somebody amazing in your life girly, but the thing we must ultimate come to settle within ourselves is, everyone who lives will one day will die, and die alone. (Brand New)

I am here as a friend! I too have faced many tough trials along my journey thus far, married, divorced, wealthy to poverty, all within a decade. But I will tell you one thing. Life goes on. We will once again live for the great (moments) in this mortal life. I woke up today from some crazy wild thoughts that occured in my dreams. Thus what got me here. You seem like a sweet girl Alexis, we all desire love, I know I do. Being alone is an inevitable fear. Keep your head up my dear. Good things are only to come :) I love being asleep because it does, it blocks out the pain from reality. But I can see that is me, being fearful of this one oppurtunity at this mortal life! Fishing, basketball, outdoors, laughing at silly MOMENTS :) falling in and out of love. I promise girly, there are billions of guys out there that would be lucky just to get to know you. Do things that you enjoy, do something for you! You have a sweet heart that has been hurt, but is still beating!

Life is not measured by the breaths you take,
But by the moments that take your breath away...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Christina
says:
January, 12 2019 at 5:30 pm
Hi I hope you are well and doing OK just read your post and the way you were feeling then I hope you in a better place life is a b*tch it throws stuff at us but we are not equipped to deal with a lot of it but by God sleep is my only escape some times I don't want to get out of bed ony for the 2 kids I have left in my life I know I sound mental telling a complete stranger I prefer to sleep but everyone has their own problems so they just tell you move on. Well that's what I'm going to do thanks for listening if you're there
Alexis
says:
July, 31 2014 at 5:15 am
IM DEPRESSED. and my relief to all the pain is sleep, but at night all i do is cry and think but then when I'm asleep, i never want to wake up because ill know i don the same every night.

it all started, when i was at a young age. always witnessed my parents violently fighting. i knew they would divorce sooner or later, mum had an affair, it happened. i had to process it. they divorced. i had to accept for the rest of my life a different and new man would take over the roll of my father, because mums always win custardy of their children.
as they split and we moved houses, my mum changed. and her boyfriend was horrible. mean to me. violent. hatred.
my mother had changed into this monster. she and him both, called me names. and violently hurt me. i was told i was fat. i was going through a hard part of life, and i had to accept being bullied at school swell. my mum and her boyfriend decided to have a child. my mums boyfriends ex- wife was a physcho path.she followed us and lots of other stuff. we had to stick up with her. one day i hear my mum was in a car crash, she was pregnant at the time. my mum had to give birth to my baby sister…dead. she died. i was looking forward to seeing and watching my new little sister. but that time never came. further on in the year, my great nanna, who i was very extremely close with, died. i still miss her to this day, i dearly miss her smile. i miss her smell. i miss the advice and long talks we had, i miss her coffee and i miss how she used to give me jelly beans out her jelly bean bar. i miss how we used to knit scarves together. i miss how she loved me and i loved her. i miss how she was all i had at the time. i saw her dead body in the cophen which was a mistake, i wish i said my goodbyes to the nanna i remembered her as. not as the dead version. it toar my heart out into a million pieces. and shaded it and stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed. further on, in life, i got verbally and violently child abused by both my mum and my stepdad. later on down the track, i fell in love with this guy. he was something different, i know i was only 11 years old, but i knew it was more than just a helpless crush. he was all i thought and cared about, he was all that made me smile. i spoke to him every single night. but then something changed. he started to ignore me all the time because i became obsess with him. he blocked mde on social media for roughly 5 months. throughout the middle stage of those 5 months my stepdad developed cancer. it effected my whole entire family, all the hospital visits, questioning his life time, witnessing him in a comah, him pale,him sick, him struggling, him ill. him connected to all these tubes, my little sister will grow up without a father, i could not let my siblings go through more pain, as i thought about how much we have all already been through, although i lost all love and respect for my mother as everyday i took punches, words and hits from her, enough was enough, i was damaged. clearly. i started to take cuts to my skin, school didn’t make anything any better. still being in love with the one guy that wanted nothing to do with me. few moments onwards, he unblocks me on social media, after like 5 months, and suddenly takes interest in talking to me. and because i am 1 year below him, i was in primary (year 7) and he was in high school (year 8) so i didn’t know anything about his school life. but me being crazy in love with him, obviously seazed at the chance i had to be with him. but not knowing about his school life what i didn’t know was that he had a girlfriend, but she didn’t know me and i didn’t know her, so hew as smart and came to realise he could use and play us both without us finding out he is 2 timing us. eventually i found out, but he broke it off with her and stayed with me which made me feel special. my stepdad still having cancer and me still getting abused at home, everything was pretty rough, me and him last a few months together, then everything fucked up. after a few months, there came the day everyone was dreading. my stepdad died. cancer took him. and we all suffered the pain of death. but i suffered a different kind to everyone else, despite the grief i also had hatred aching inside me, the fact he just got the easy way out, he abused me all those years, and just got the easy way out, and his last few words he said to me as he took his last few breaths he held my hand and apologised for all the horrible things he ever did to me and said to me, and said he will always love me and look down on me, it toad me apart, why couldn’t he be this nice earlier, why did it take cancer to show is true colours. its all my fault everyday that he ever abused me i wished him dead. my wish came true. it haunts me for the rest of my life.well the day my dad died, i go to my boyfriends house ( the guy i have lasted with for a few months) and that same day he asked out a different girl that morning, and that night he invites me over, and wanted sex from me, buti wouldn’t go that far, so he dumps me, and he had already got a new girlfriend that morning so thats the second girl he has cheated on with me. i felt so depressed and fucked up that night, the day my stepdad died and he dumped me. how worthless, and depressed do you think someone who experienced that would be? i didn’t want to live. i wanted to be taken above where pain does not exist. from then on, i was seriously drowned in depression, and i had an eating disorder where when i looked in the mirror all i saw was discust, and i tried to starve myself, but then got over that sooner or later.
2 months on from this it was the new year and start of high school, i see the guy. at school. everyday. still with his girlfriend (the one he dumped me for) and i am still deeply in love with him, even after everything he had put me through, then a few months later, he shows interest in me again, but we start off as just friends, but whenever me and him try to just be friends it can’t work, its either more than friends or enemies. and even know he had his girlfriend, me not in control of my feelings, let him cheat on his girlfriend with me. we hooked up and he fingered me. not to mention this guy is the same guy as the guy i have always been in love with this whole time, then he lies about it, ever since he fingered me. so i gathered he used me. and he lied about it and ignored me ever since. when everything me and him ever did always meant something to me. then we didn’t talk for a couple of months. then he dumped his girlfriend and got a new girlfriend, then me and him started talking again (this was only a couple of months ago from now) we started off as just friends but that only lasted all of a few days, we just can’t control ourselves when in contact with each other there is just something there. and me once again, letting him use me, i let him cheat on this 3rd girlfriend, with me, but this time it wasn’t just a hookup or me getting fingered, this was only a few days ago from now, even know he has a girlfriend, me and him had sex. he cheated on a 3rd different girl. an i let him all once again. and this time i am more hurt and broken and depressed than ever before because we went all the way. i thought he was the one. i gave him my everything. and now he is ignoring my messages and ever since he has ignored me. feel worthless and used. and i feel sick. and i have lost my appetite. i stay up all hours of the night and early morning in hope for him to message me, but that message never comes. he is the only person on earth that i love and need to make me complete and happy. my wrists and arms are full of scars, and i would just like to update the present moments of my life to these days, my mum has already had a new boyfriend for like 6 months now. and she has already moved on and it has only been like 9 months since my stepdad died. and i hate how she already has a new boyfriend. :’( and not to mention, my step-grandpa which is basically my grandpa, has cheated and left my grandma, and now i never see him ever and he has unfriended me on Facebook and doest even make effort to keep in contact with me and i don’t see my cousins or family form that side of the family anymore, and not to mention the fact that my real grandpa died when i was like 1 yrs old. and i have never been able to see him, and people still question it to this day if he was murdered or not. this is my life, i am alexis. i suffer form depression, and i have only recently come to realise that I’m an emo, but trapped in a body covered in fake smiles, makeup, slutty clothes and scars of hurt and broken pieces of my heart. i struggle to find someone who understands me and how i feel. i feel like cutting cos its addicting now, its like my drug and the scars show who i am. and my heart has been put through so much, its numb and in need of that one guy to cure me. i live off tears, and heart ache. i need the cure, and i knw what my cure is more than anyone else does, and I’m telling you now, its just for that guy to feel the same way about me, because i need love. and no matter how many times people say it or how many people say it, ‘’people care’’ ‘’your not alone’’. well i actually am. because who is here when I’m crying? no one. who is here when I’m cutting? no one. ho is here when I’m getting beaten? no one. who is here when i scream? no one. who is here when I’m silent? no one. who is here when no one is here? no one. i just need his love, because atlwast that can repair the damage he has made. everything else and all my past trauma is un fixable only he can help me make a start to pick myself up.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Theresa
says:
July, 25 2018 at 10:29 am
I know this is an old Post but I felt compelled to reply... Life is hard and dealing with the death of loved ones and heartache makes things seem so much harder. I've dealt with my own similar problems and the one thing I can tell you from experience is that you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy. No man will fix you. Before you can truly love anyone else, you have to love yourself first. If you expect other people to make you happy, you will always be disappointed.

Do you have any hobbies or passions? It's important to have an outlet for all the emotions you feel. Music and art are very important to me for that reason.

Exercise is the single most important thing that can help you feel self love. Cardio is theraputic. Feeling strong physically, will give you strength mentally. I know it's easier said than done but I promise, you will feel better after a run or my favorite, spin class. I literally cry during some runs and spin class because of the strong emotional release. It's the best feeling in the world!

Just know that things will get better. Let go of the past. Today is a fresh start. Focus on you. Love yourself. Do the things that make you smile. You are strong! Be strong! Not for anyone else but for you!
Andy
says:
July, 25 2014 at 4:26 pm
I too work retail, and I too sleep pretty much allllll day on my days off. While awake I am a pretty happy person. I'm not currently taking any meds for depression or anxiety, but I do drink a shit ton of caffeine. I don't think it's depression, and even if I am depressed I handle it quite well through positive thinking and meditation.... I think it's because I am lonely, living paycheck to paycheck, very few friends, no girlfriend, and a family far away that I just prefer to not communicate with on a regular basis. I prefer who I am while I am asleep because in sleep I am not struggling to just make ends meet, i'm not constantly trying to find more money just to have and do what I want to do when and how I want to do it. Sleep for me is great because it is free, and I can't really afford things that aren't free these days, almost all of my income goes towards rent food and gas... nearly 90%. The remaining 10% may buy me a night on the town, or a dime bag... I know I am not alone in this... Thank you all for sharing your posts/comments... is there anyone who has experienced an actual solution to this whole notion of "sleeping to avoid life" yet?

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