Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~The Princess Bride
Life is pain. Or, at least, it can be. I've found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. There is nothing else. Just pain or unconsciousness. I prefer unconsciousness.
Not Sleeping with Depression
We're expected to be awake most of the time. The trouble is, not sleeping with depression is horrendously painful. It is the pain that makes pain scream. And there tends to be nowhere to hide. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.
And the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Don't slit your wrists. Don't overdose. Don't jump off a building. It's all so entirely exhausting.
Sleeping When You Have Depression Is Less Painful
But being asleep is different. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Somehow in my dreams I'm normal. I fall in love. I smile. I do the impossible. I feel happy. I have no idea how my brain manages it. But somehow it doesn't register the pain.
And flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. It's just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. It's your brain, on sleep.
So I'm Tired, A Lot
And so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?
And while I know it's difficult to get work down or clean the kitchen while asleep, it's so much better than many of the other options. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. Not getting any better. But not getting worse. And not getting dead. That's something.
Tracy, N. (2011, October 20). Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/10/depression-id-rather-be-sleeping
Author: Natasha Tracy
I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want to do anything to escape -- which is what sleep is, of course. Please work with your doctor to find a way to deal with the pain in a more healthy way. I managed to get through that and I know you can too.
- Natasha Tracy
It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now. If you're not willing to work with a doctor with regards to treatment, I highly recommend you seek out a therapist. It's not healthy to keep everything bottled up with a smile plastered on your face. Things will just get worse that way.
(By the way, medications don't have to be expensive. Generic antidepressants tend to be quite affordable. Talk to your doctor about options. Sometimes they don't take into consideration cost.)
Please seek out some kind of help. Things can get better but you have to reach out.
- Natasha Tracy
It started in my late teens and now at 32 all I want to do is sleep. I used to Goto nursing school and work three jobs all while enjoying life.
Now I can't even get up to eat. Literally... Can't be bothered to get up to let the dog outside .he usually stays in bed with me.
I don't know how I make it to work or make it awake at all;
when all that I want is to get back into bed, pull the covers up to my shoulders, get into fetal position and cuddle with my dog for as long as possible while being asleep... Be it 8,12, 18 or sometimes over 24 hours on the weekend.
Just to wake up and say to myself "oh my god I just want to go back to bed"
Depression,anxiety, add, bi polar, all mental illnesses are horrible and I wish we received as much empathy as those with physical ailments .
After having my first manic attack at age 56 I find myself wanting to hide under a blanket and doing that every minute I can get away with it. Seems I go locked onto the behavior when I was in mental hospital. Didn't want to deal with the place so I would just lay in bed and daydream. Wishing I would just "wake up" and stop.
mind keeps telling you that it's all an illusion and the dream state is the real world- where you're happy and in control. It's so hard to see other people enjoying themselves, going out with friends and all I can do is ask why not me? I've gone down that path of despair and jumped off that cliff, the bathtub is no place to end everything, even if that's the first time you feel strength. I battle everyday that demon and some days are harder than others. It's always there and it always will be, I know that. You have to fight- I know it's like just sitting a hole that's too deep and slippery to claw your way out. That hopelessness is overwhelming and can feel in surmountable. It's a scary place to be on that precipice and most people don't know the pain that drives us there- and that's ok, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. We are survivors and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Each day you make it through is one step closer to healing. Just know that we're here for you. Reach out, take just one small step towards the outstretched hands that are waiting to grab you and help to heal you.
I've very sorry to read that you are in that situation and that you are feeling that way. It sounds like you need to reach out to others and make a positive plan.
See here for our hotlines and resources that may be able to help: http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/
If there aren't resources there for your location, just Google for similar organizations (like the Samaritans, hotlines, and so on) in your location. Believe me, they are out there and they can help you.
- Natasha Tracy
Like sleep, I zone out sometimes watching TV to get my mind off of what's bothering me and focus on something else, fantasy. The other day I was watching The Dog Whisperer on TV. A very depressed looking dog could not be coaxed no how to get out of a very comfortable livingroom chair. He kept running back into it every time his owner dragged him out. I totally identified with this pathetically sad looking dog. Then I watched as Ceasar Milan slowly got him out of that state and it reminded me of how similar his method was to a therapist I had once. I GENTLY and CONSISTENTLY had to be forced to get up and do something other just than lay there and sleep my life away. Then I was encouraged to make make a realistic plan to do something else each day, other than sleep. Then the following day I was rewarded with praise for what I did accomplish (I was not admonished for what I didn't get done). Day after day slowly building on my successes no matter how small and learning not to focus on the failures I managed to stay off that couch long enough to LIVE my life instead of just endure it. By the way, Ceasar Milan has also suffered mental illness...
I believe God uses whoever or whatever he can sometimes to wake us up
blessed. I was sent to jail for a bad checks after a severe manic episode
i am now a felon and know one will hire me. I been in a small room for three years sleep all day up all not by my self. I need help can someone
call me .i feel nothing but depression. iam 54 i want my wife and kids back. 610-504-2930. I am so close to death
That is, I sleep to hide from worry of loosing my home???
I have no energy or drive to get out on jobs to fix my financial situation and tell myself I will catch up later when I feel better.
I can sleep 15 hours a day on average and have slept as many as 20 hours just to not think of problems that seem to be a great mountain for me to level all alone.
My depression brings on lac of drive to get up and be responsible, that brings on financial problems which causes anxiety as im loosing everything and I'm stuck!!!
I'm seeking help and taking meds for depression and anxiety and going to classes on depression and anxiety and hope to soon function again and be the social butterfly I used to be.
I'm told the meds don't do everything and getting out of bed is a process of forcing myself to get out of bed to get in rithum again.
I'm in fear of failure so bad I just want to hide, eat and sleep in comfort until the antidepressants start working and hope for the best in recovering.
Wish me luck as I do you all:)
I am here as a friend! I too have faced many tough trials along my journey thus far, married, divorced, wealthy to poverty, all within a decade. But I will tell you one thing. Life goes on. We will once again live for the great (moments) in this mortal life. I woke up today from some crazy wild thoughts that occured in my dreams. Thus what got me here. You seem like a sweet girl Alexis, we all desire love, I know I do. Being alone is an inevitable fear. Keep your head up my dear. Good things are only to come :) I love being asleep because it does, it blocks out the pain from reality. But I can see that is me, being fearful of this one oppurtunity at this mortal life! Fishing, basketball, outdoors, laughing at silly MOMENTS :) falling in and out of love. I promise girly, there are billions of guys out there that would be lucky just to get to know you. Do things that you enjoy, do something for you! You have a sweet heart that has been hurt, but is still beating!
Life is not measured by the breaths you take,
But by the moments that take your breath away...
it all started, when i was at a young age. always witnessed my parents violently fighting. i knew they would divorce sooner or later, mum had an affair, it happened. i had to process it. they divorced. i had to accept for the rest of my life a different and new man would take over the roll of my father, because mums always win custardy of their children.
as they split and we moved houses, my mum changed. and her boyfriend was horrible. mean to me. violent. hatred.
my mother had changed into this monster. she and him both, called me names. and violently hurt me. i was told i was fat. i was going through a hard part of life, and i had to accept being bullied at school swell. my mum and her boyfriend decided to have a child. my mums boyfriends ex- wife was a physcho path.she followed us and lots of other stuff. we had to stick up with her. one day i hear my mum was in a car crash, she was pregnant at the time. my mum had to give birth to my baby sister…dead. she died. i was looking forward to seeing and watching my new little sister. but that time never came. further on in the year, my great nanna, who i was very extremely close with, died. i still miss her to this day, i dearly miss her smile. i miss her smell. i miss the advice and long talks we had, i miss her coffee and i miss how she used to give me jelly beans out her jelly bean bar. i miss how we used to knit scarves together. i miss how she loved me and i loved her. i miss how she was all i had at the time. i saw her dead body in the cophen which was a mistake, i wish i said my goodbyes to the nanna i remembered her as. not as the dead version. it toar my heart out into a million pieces. and shaded it and stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed. further on, in life, i got verbally and violently child abused by both my mum and my stepdad. later on down the track, i fell in love with this guy. he was something different, i know i was only 11 years old, but i knew it was more than just a helpless crush. he was all i thought and cared about, he was all that made me smile. i spoke to him every single night. but then something changed. he started to ignore me all the time because i became obsess with him. he blocked mde on social media for roughly 5 months. throughout the middle stage of those 5 months my stepdad developed cancer. it effected my whole entire family, all the hospital visits, questioning his life time, witnessing him in a comah, him pale,him sick, him struggling, him ill. him connected to all these tubes, my little sister will grow up without a father, i could not let my siblings go through more pain, as i thought about how much we have all already been through, although i lost all love and respect for my mother as everyday i took punches, words and hits from her, enough was enough, i was damaged. clearly. i started to take cuts to my skin, school didn’t make anything any better. still being in love with the one guy that wanted nothing to do with me. few moments onwards, he unblocks me on social media, after like 5 months, and suddenly takes interest in talking to me. and because i am 1 year below him, i was in primary (year 7) and he was in high school (year 8) so i didn’t know anything about his school life. but me being crazy in love with him, obviously seazed at the chance i had to be with him. but not knowing about his school life what i didn’t know was that he had a girlfriend, but she didn’t know me and i didn’t know her, so hew as smart and came to realise he could use and play us both without us finding out he is 2 timing us. eventually i found out, but he broke it off with her and stayed with me which made me feel special. my stepdad still having cancer and me still getting abused at home, everything was pretty rough, me and him last a few months together, then everything fucked up. after a few months, there came the day everyone was dreading. my stepdad died. cancer took him. and we all suffered the pain of death. but i suffered a different kind to everyone else, despite the grief i also had hatred aching inside me, the fact he just got the easy way out, he abused me all those years, and just got the easy way out, and his last few words he said to me as he took his last few breaths he held my hand and apologised for all the horrible things he ever did to me and said to me, and said he will always love me and look down on me, it toad me apart, why couldn’t he be this nice earlier, why did it take cancer to show is true colours. its all my fault everyday that he ever abused me i wished him dead. my wish came true. it haunts me for the rest of my life.well the day my dad died, i go to my boyfriends house ( the guy i have lasted with for a few months) and that same day he asked out a different girl that morning, and that night he invites me over, and wanted sex from me, buti wouldn’t go that far, so he dumps me, and he had already got a new girlfriend that morning so thats the second girl he has cheated on with me. i felt so depressed and fucked up that night, the day my stepdad died and he dumped me. how worthless, and depressed do you think someone who experienced that would be? i didn’t want to live. i wanted to be taken above where pain does not exist. from then on, i was seriously drowned in depression, and i had an eating disorder where when i looked in the mirror all i saw was discust, and i tried to starve myself, but then got over that sooner or later.
2 months on from this it was the new year and start of high school, i see the guy. at school. everyday. still with his girlfriend (the one he dumped me for) and i am still deeply in love with him, even after everything he had put me through, then a few months later, he shows interest in me again, but we start off as just friends, but whenever me and him try to just be friends it can’t work, its either more than friends or enemies. and even know he had his girlfriend, me not in control of my feelings, let him cheat on his girlfriend with me. we hooked up and he fingered me. not to mention this guy is the same guy as the guy i have always been in love with this whole time, then he lies about it, ever since he fingered me. so i gathered he used me. and he lied about it and ignored me ever since. when everything me and him ever did always meant something to me. then we didn’t talk for a couple of months. then he dumped his girlfriend and got a new girlfriend, then me and him started talking again (this was only a couple of months ago from now) we started off as just friends but that only lasted all of a few days, we just can’t control ourselves when in contact with each other there is just something there. and me once again, letting him use me, i let him cheat on this 3rd girlfriend, with me, but this time it wasn’t just a hookup or me getting fingered, this was only a few days ago from now, even know he has a girlfriend, me and him had sex. he cheated on a 3rd different girl. an i let him all once again. and this time i am more hurt and broken and depressed than ever before because we went all the way. i thought he was the one. i gave him my everything. and now he is ignoring my messages and ever since he has ignored me. feel worthless and used. and i feel sick. and i have lost my appetite. i stay up all hours of the night and early morning in hope for him to message me, but that message never comes. he is the only person on earth that i love and need to make me complete and happy. my wrists and arms are full of scars, and i would just like to update the present moments of my life to these days, my mum has already had a new boyfriend for like 6 months now. and she has already moved on and it has only been like 9 months since my stepdad died. and i hate how she already has a new boyfriend. :’( and not to mention, my step-grandpa which is basically my grandpa, has cheated and left my grandma, and now i never see him ever and he has unfriended me on Facebook and doest even make effort to keep in contact with me and i don’t see my cousins or family form that side of the family anymore, and not to mention the fact that my real grandpa died when i was like 1 yrs old. and i have never been able to see him, and people still question it to this day if he was murdered or not. this is my life, i am alexis. i suffer form depression, and i have only recently come to realise that I’m an emo, but trapped in a body covered in fake smiles, makeup, slutty clothes and scars of hurt and broken pieces of my heart. i struggle to find someone who understands me and how i feel. i feel like cutting cos its addicting now, its like my drug and the scars show who i am. and my heart has been put through so much, its numb and in need of that one guy to cure me. i live off tears, and heart ache. i need the cure, and i knw what my cure is more than anyone else does, and I’m telling you now, its just for that guy to feel the same way about me, because i need love. and no matter how many times people say it or how many people say it, ‘’people care’’ ‘’your not alone’’. well i actually am. because who is here when I’m crying? no one. who is here when I’m cutting? no one. ho is here when I’m getting beaten? no one. who is here when i scream? no one. who is here when I’m silent? no one. who is here when no one is here? no one. i just need his love, because atlwast that can repair the damage he has made. everything else and all my past trauma is un fixable only he can help me make a start to pick myself up.
Do you have any hobbies or passions? It's important to have an outlet for all the emotions you feel. Music and art are very important to me for that reason.
Exercise is the single most important thing that can help you feel self love. Cardio is theraputic. Feeling strong physically, will give you strength mentally. I know it's easier said than done but I promise, you will feel better after a run or my favorite, spin class. I literally cry during some runs and spin class because of the strong emotional release. It's the best feeling in the world!
Just know that things will get better. Let go of the past. Today is a fresh start. Focus on you. Love yourself. Do the things that make you smile. You are strong! Be strong! Not for anyone else but for you!