Why I Hate Having Bipolar
There are so many reasons why I hate having bipolar that I could have a whole blog just on that alone and I’m sure other people could join me in their hatred of bipolar disorder, too. I do realize that hating an illness is normal and that enumerating the reasons why one hates a disease is a bit of a rant, but, what can I tell you, this is my space and I’m going to tell you why I have having bipolar disorder (Bipolar Is Unfair).
Why I Hate Having Bipolar – Health Effects
Of course, having a mental health condition impacts your health, mentally, in many ways. But, in addition to that, bipolar affects your physical health, too. For example, depression physically causes pain all over my body and amplifies any existing, unrelated pain. Bipolar medications also cause side effects that affect your health like headaches (I get these all the time), exhaustion (both from the medication and the bipolar) and weight gain. I, for example, have gained so much weight from antipsychotics that it’s frightening. At one point I simply had to stop a cocktail because I simply couldn’t take the constant hunger and weight gain. Doctors rarely seem to take this into account when they’re assessing your wellness. They seem to think that gaining 50 pounds is okay, even though any other doctor would tell you that gaining weight can increase your risks of things like diabetes.
(By the way, I also hate that your quality of life is assessed by a doctor like this: Are you working? Are you paying your mortgage? Yes? Then you must be fine.)
Why I Hate Having Bipolar – Psychological Effects
Of course, a mental illness affects your mental health. I get that. But it’s so tiring to always have these huge emotions that don’t fit into the room. It’s horrible to always be too much of one thing and not enough of another (Daily Patterns In Bipolar Moods). It’s awful trying to always hide these enormous psychological states. On top of the depression (which tends to be my constant state with a few bipolar hypomanias thrown in for color), there is anxiety, overwhelmedness, demotivation and anger which also seem to be almost omnipresent -- all of which I have to suppress.
Why I Hate Having Bipolar – Social Effects
And, of course, there are the effects that having bipolar has on my relationships with others. I feel a whole series of things with regards to this. For example, part of me feels like I’m not good enough for other people because I’m sick, crazy, and they’re not. Most of me just feels exhausted when I think about being around other people because it just takes so much effort to keep the bipolar under wraps while I’m with them. And, of course, I don’t want to show my bipolar to others as I fear they will no longer care for me (history suggests this happens). And all that doesn’t take into consideration the social ruin that can happen when you’re in an acute episode. I’ve been lucky enough not to experience this but many do.
Why I Hate Bipolar
I hate bipolar because it seeps into every facet of my life. It’s not merely a mood disorder – i.e. one that only affects the mood – it is more like a life disorder. Yes, I get that we are not our illness but, darn it, so much of existence seems to be shaped by bipolar that it sure feels like it molds me rather than the other way around. It controls me rather than the other way around.
Now, I realize that if your bipolar is well-controlled, you likely don’t experience all these things and don’t feel this way. If this is the case, good for you; but for me, hating bipolar is pretty much my everyday. And before you stop and tell me that’s wrong, just keep in mind that if someone hated their cancer we would understand that, so why is my visceral hatred of bipolar disorder any different?
Image care of Wikipedia.
You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or Google+ or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter or at Bipolar Burble, her blog.
Tracy, N. (2015, December 4). Why I Hate Having Bipolar, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, March 22 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2015/12/why-i-hate-having-bipolar
Author: Natasha Tracy
Thank you for this, I appreciate it. Huge emotions is right! AND it’s exhausting.blissful mania? Not me. I just don’t sleep and I’m angry. Agitation is almost non stop in some form of fashion. I’m just grateful when it’s the kind that I like doing stuff so it’s semi pleasurable. Mostly I feel sorry for my kids. I don’t know if it effects them or how it does. I keep my feelings to myself most of the time which makes me feel very alone. But I feel like it’s a burden on anyone because it sure is a burden on me. I’m not miserable all the time, I am miserable right now though and I hope it ends sooner than later. Thank you for your bravery.
I’m thankful to have found thus site. And I sympathize with all the people who have told their story. I tend to think that I’m ok - that the meds are working and that I’m functioning day to day. I’m thankful that I am no longer in the terrible state of anxiety and depression that finally prompted me to go to a psychiatrist. I guess I should be thankful for those three months when I wished every day that I could die. Anyway because I got over that crises and it hasn’t come back I think that I’m ok. But tonight it hit me! My relationship with two of my children is good even though they get annoyed with me for interrupting etc. But my relationship is horrible with my husband and my oldest daughter. It is a constant battle when I’m around them - must be careful not to interrupt - yet it seems I always do. Must be careful not to say the wrong thing but they say I do anyway. I am to the point that I am afraid of family get together because I’m always “corrected” by the husband & daughter for one thing or another. And the other two try to protect my husband because he is always upset that I interrupt him or do something - poor thing that he has to put up w/ my interruptions. And of course it’s fine for him to interrupt. As you all can see I’m a mess. Praying that finding other bipolar sufferers will help me. And YES I hate bipolar.
Reading all of this is so disheartening because I have been stable, unstable in whatever form, and now I don’t know what is real anymore. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 19 and I’m going on 40. It’s only gotten worse. The meds are tweaked when necessary and I don’t want to be emotionless but I can’t tell what is real emotion and what is not. I can’t stand trying to explain myself. I’m a compassionate, loving person who would help anyone and yet my kids can’t seem to stand me and my husband, no matter how much he supports me will never understand. I’m am so tired of looking healthy and normal outside yet in so much confusion inside. I’m ready to just give up.
It sounds like you're going through some tough, bipolar-related stuff. I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I know many people, myself included, have gone through it.
I think the best thing for you to do is to connect with others who understand like through a support group or seek a therapist who can help. You might be right, your husband might not truly ever understand you, but others with bipolar disorder likely will -- and so can a therapist who talks to people with bipolar disorder every day.
I know what it's like to want to give up, but there are options out there and there are new people too. It's worth seeking them out.
- Natasha Tracy
I agree I hate having bipolar. I have had a week and half of cycling several times in a day, and when the depression hits I just wish I was never born and I hate my mother for having me. This is not a life I would want or to wish on anybody else, one of the many reasons why I decided not to have children. I do not agree with that statement I am not my illness. How can I not be my illness, when affects every aspect of my life the way it does, from my personality to my focus to how I deal and relate to other people. I call BS on anyone who disagrees with me, as I say this as a person who does manage it well.
I'm on your side on this one. You may wish to read this on my personal blog (not affiliated with HealthyPlace): https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-who-you-are/
- Natasha Tracy
I also share your thoughts exactly. This disease is bringing havoc on my life. It's to the point where I have no choice to seek medical treatment. God bless you for your honesty. And you're right. This is a life debilitating disease! But it's time for me to stop complaining, crying, and fidgeting and do something about it. It's almost as if I can't stand waking up in the morning just knowing my mind is in the same room with my body. I seriously pity all the poor things my brain has been through these past few weeks. No self-esteem. Oh, I have a job I go to everyday. I'm a data-entry / administrative help member at a trucking broker company. I'm beginning to isolate myself even at my job though. I think that's a big struggle for many of us - We isolate ourselves from others. Big mistake. I feel a lot better even now being on here and just typing this all out.
I rarely go to sites like this. However at times I get so desperate at constantly being told that I’ve laughed too loud or too much, that I’m fidgety, that I talk with my hands too much...what are we supposed to do? Can’t we be ourselves? Everyone else gets to live a life free of observation, without a family member watching to see if they’re behaving like everyone else. I am truly frustrated and very very sad right now.
I hate this illness it will be the death of me and I love my kids want to see them grow up ang give me grandchildren
Me too Natasha. On all of it. The social aspect rings especially true. There are some times when people open their mouths and it sounds to me just like "blah blah blah" - like bleating of sheep and I want to lash out at them to get them to stop. I have had to cease working in traditional working environments after 20 years in the workforce because I couldn't take it anymore. I did not go on disability. I started my own company - not just a freelance. A full fledged company. I manage everything from the phone and since I am in charge, I can say how long conversations last for. I usually tell people that I am "booked solid". I could give a CARE LESS that I am lying to them. I have learned that mainstream people will rat you out for being mentally ill, call the police, and send you to jail. They see us as that dangerous. So, to me, the whole human race is basically a predator, except for the precious few friends and family members who accept me for who I am. And you know what... it's MORE than enough. Bipolarity has a long way to go before it's cured, or at least accepted by mainstream society as a protected class. We are NOT mentally ill psychos. We are people with an outpouring of CREATIVE ABUNDANCE! Maybe someday, the "normies" will learn that and we won't have to fear for our lives, livlihoods, health, and relationships as if we were witches in Salem in 1632.
I hate having a mood disorder, it affects not only me, but those around me. Those who I am close with. There is always something "wrong." I just wish that I could be normal, and that my life on life's terms didnt have to be magnified by this enormous and disastrous problems. I am too sensitive to take antidepressants. They all make me either too sick, or overly euphoric. There really is no cure. For years, I self medicated and because addicted to hard drugs. I now have 3 years clean and sober, but the hopelessness still remains. Other times I am jumping off the walls, and being annoying. I overcompensate for everything. Its not that I want to die, I just dont want to live sometimes. It is so exhausting to pretend all the time.
I have bipolar right now at stage of depression. I hate the way I am right now, I see my friends (ex) could live life happy but me, misery.
Ive known something is different about me ever since I was a young teen. I never knew what it was until I was diagnosed in 2008. I hate my emotions they lie to me every day. I usually start out happy, but end up frustrated with every day simple tasks. I hate leaving my house I worry about everything from my vehicle breaking down to someone I love either getting hurt with me or without me. This world is very scary for me. And I'm having a lot of trouble letting my adult children who have children grow up, so they all live with me. I'm fine with that, but they are ready to leave the nest and I can't let them. I can't sleep at night anxiety of someone breaking in my home and hurting one of us or just the every day nonsense I worry about for no reason when my head hits the pillow and things are quiet. I'm not medicated because I don't have health INS. And when I did it just made me forget everything like an Alzheimer's patient which got me fired from a job I had previously preformed unmedicated with no memory issues. So no bipolar is definitely not fair and if there was a cure I would be first in line to get it...
Being bipolar takes your life away from you in any way that you might have ever known it. I understand the references to cancer. Everyone treats a cancer patient with some sense of dignity. But if you have a mental disorders such as bipolar you are a stigma. Nobody believes you when you tell them what you were going through. Not even your spouse. They say take your pill and you'll be fine. I take my pill and I feel light my brains are a wet mop of strings. You are constantly aware of your bipolar. I also deal with chronic pain and I'm on hydrocodone. At least when I take the hydrocodone I can feel some happiness and have some self assurance. My husband looks at me as well just get up and do it go on with your life. My life consists of light house chores and the only thing that makes me happy is watching television. My husband says that I am lazy and using my illness as an excuse to do nothing. I've had a lot of friends a lot of jobs done a lot of things. & I don't consider myself to be lazy or trying to take advantage of anyone. I would have taken my life by now but I am a Christian and I don't want to go to hell. I keep praying that God is going to show me another path and that's the only thing I'm hanging on to. Thank you so much for your blog because now I know I'm not alone.
I have been known to say that I can change the color of my hair with ease, I can even lose weight, but I can't lose bipolar. One is never "off " there is no break from bipolar symptoms. It seems cruel. My life is not only complicated by bipolar but by the fact that I am a born-again Christian. How's that for a laugh!?! My belief system is in opposition to every thing else. Cruel joke, God. Oxymoron. I come from a hugely dysfunctional family. My bio-dad (too many chinks in his armor to refer to him as my father) committed suicide in 2014 at age 88. Lovely family legacy. I function at near capacity most days and coast the rest of the time. I am a bilingual Spanish teacher. I have two very successful adult sons and a 5 month old grandson. My husband and I have arrived at 38 years wedded bliss...well, maybe not always blissful. As I said, there is no "off " to bipolar, so I come up for air every now and then and try to avoid the land mines. Constantly doing battle.
When I first read your blog I thought, "I'm doing well. My meds have eliminated these frustrations." Yeah, right. I began to realize how it still affects my everyday life and makes challenges more challenging. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be so self aware to protect myself from scrutiny. I beat myself up when I trust someone with my 'secret' only to be left wondering what they are thinking about me now. It's exhausting. Thanks for sharing. It's nice knowing I'm not alone. I feel like your article gave me permission to be frustrated.. Thanks, again.
I am almost 70 years old and was first diagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago after a serious bout of depression put me in the psych ward for 3 weeks and ended with ect treatments. After divorcing my husband of 32 years, I thought I was doing great until last month and another serious bout. I think I got it on time and a change of meds from Depakote to lithium seems to be working. By the way my ex husband and I raised 4 very successful kids and we have 7pretty perfect grandkids. I am in a happy relationship with a man for 9 years. So the return of the depression was such a shock. But I am looking for some support and yes I hate this illness too!!!!!!
I’m 68 years old and I too hate this illness,..
It’s pretty much ruined my life...it’s alineated
Me from my family..they don’t believe
I have the illness...I just do what I do for the
Hell of it...I too could use some support...you
Certainly have my support Jane..I know
Your pain and frustration of dealing with
Thank you for the rant Natasha.
I rant at your side.
I feel deeply for people with cancer and MS etc.
But they do not understand that my bipolar is an illness too.
If I may I would like to add to the rant.
I hate that there is no medical protocol for bipolar disorder. So doctors either ignore it or blame everything on it.
If a person with cancer comes in they have a routine of checks to keep the illness in check or to evaluate that it is still in remission.
With bipolar there is no check until we are in crisis.
On the flip side, I was a pedestrian hit by an automobile traveling 40 mph. Since getting out of the 3 month stint in the hospital every complaint I have had is contributed to my over active bipolar disorder, really!
Mental illness does suck. You want to feel good, but downers are always there. Just remember, we all have 46 chromosomes and are wired differently. Just like a thumb print, we all have a different one. We are unique. We need to be thankful and find why we are the way we are. Good luck.
Your articles and blogposts validate me, speak for me in ways nobody else has done. This is exactly how I feel. How everything is so laborious, relationships so tough that I stay away, just to cope and exist takes all my energy. I thank you for writing. Your words help me.
Just a side question about your doctor assessing your quality of life that way... have you called him/her on that and if so, what was the response? Those seem like the kind of goals to aim for when you're doing very poorly. Once you've improved to a certain level, those might become your new baseline, but shouldn't necessarily be your limit.
I feel 4 u. I have had Depression nd Anxiety for almost 3 yrs now. Last Friday I walked out of my job too. I just couldn't deal with the bickering nd constant nagging of managers. I cried a lot nd was very very upset. I said things I shouldn't have. I used all the F word I could think of I was told. Most I can't remember. Now I am on 6 weeks leave. I still can't relax because I loved my job nd missing my friends. They were like my family. I have one word for Depression nd Anxiety. F...k you. We
I am so mad that that sometimes I’m tempted to spite myself to show others how it feels. I do it just to have an excuse to fight for my right to even speak but still no no listens. You’re only patronized. I could get to the point of telling everyone go f themselves. Slowly the steam is building.