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For Loved Ones, After a Suicide Attempt

It's hard to know what to do after someone attempts suicide. People who have attempted suicide need support and understanding and a reminder they are loved.

Recently, a man I have come to respect and care about attempted suicide. I am grateful he is still here to tell the tale. His suicide note was online and his pain was so evident it tore at my soul.

I was tremendously relieved to hear his friends had rescued him in time to save him. But I was then left with the problem as to what to say to this man. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was make the situation any more difficult for him.

What do you do when someone you care about just attempted suicide?

Suicide is About Pain

To be clear, people who attempt suicide aren’t doing it for fun, they aren’t playing at death nor are they looking for death. People who attempt suicide are trying to escape a life of (literally) unbearable pain. Suicide isn’t about death, it’s about pain.

The Shame and Guilt of Suicide

And most people who have attempted suicide feel extremely bad about what they have done. They’re ashamed they committed the act and feel guilty they have put those around them through it. Waking up after a suicide attempt is no picnic.

What to Say to Someone Who Has Attempted Suicide

So, understanding the person is already feeling bad about attempting suicide, there is no reason to make this person feel worse. You need to be supportive. You don’t need to support their action, but you need to support the person. They are hurting. All they want is to know you still care about them.

What Never to Say to a Person Who Has Attempted Suicide

The worst thing you can say to someone is about how selfish they are and how much they hurt you. These people already know that. These people are already beating themselves up. The last thing they need is to feel beaten up by you too. The more they feel rejected, the more likely they are to feel alone and to try to commit suicide again. What better reason is there to leave the planet than being in agony and finding out everyone suddenly hates you?

Stay With the Person, Remind Them Who They Are

This man I know who attempted suicide isn’t “the man who attempted suicide,” he’s a man who is brave, bold, generous and friendly. He is a man who gives to his community and a man that I respect. He is not a “suicide attempt.” A suicide attempt is only a symptom of his disease. It is not who he is. I know this. And now is the time to remind him. Because, unfortunately, he may have forgotten.

People need to feel included and loved for who they are. Yes, they may need company around them to make sure they do not hurt themselves further, but they also need it to feel human again. They feel horrible about what they did. They need to know people still love them and it will be OK.

But What about My Feelings?

You, as the loved one, have every right to feel worried, hurt, betrayed and many, many other things. I would never deny you those feelings. But right after a suicide attempt is not the moment to pick to express those. Call another friend and vent and cry if you need to. Get your own support. Make sure you are OK. But it’s not the moment to enter into a deep conversation with someone who has just faced death. Wait until they are stronger. And then you can both talk openly about the act’s effects and your feelings. It’s OK to talk about those things, but you have to pick your moment.

But above all try to remember, this person is the same person they were before they attempted suicide. They just fell victim to a very serious symptom of their disease. No more, no less.

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter or at the Bipolar Burble, her blog.

Author: Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is a renowned speaker, award-winning advocate and author of Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar.

Find Natasha Tracy on her blog, Bipolar Burble, Twitter, Google+ and Facebook.

112 thoughts on “For Loved Ones, After a Suicide Attempt”

  1. It is extremely difficult to walk away from someone you care about. Unhealthy relationships are even harder. There will be a lot of guilt and manipulation thrown your way. Having gone through this myself, I would suggest the following: send one LAST text stating he needs to get help. Maybe give him a couple phone numbers to call to get the help. You, however, are not able to help him.

    You have healing you need to work on as well. Unhealthy relationships can do more damage than we sometimes realize. For you to move forward with your life and have a successful and HEALTHY relationship, take a look at this last relationship and find the reasons why it was unhealthy, what you did to contribute to making it unhealthy (enabling, temper, drugs,etc.) and then work on correcting them. Get help in correcting these things so the next time you find someone that is healthy you will be ready for them. Also, the next time you meet someone who is unhealthy you will be able to identify it quickly, get out of it, and move on with your life in a healthy, happy life.

  2. My boyfriend called me about 2 hrs ago staring hes killing himself because I ended our relationship. He attempted before. He’s currently at the ER (I’m out of state and couldn’t do much, but I let his brother know. While medics were on their way he decided he was gonna run from them. He had taken a bunch of sleeping pills and because of that he couldn’t run anymore. He has not been a good boyfriend , he has a drinking problem. Now I’m having to deal with these emotions. While he was running he would text me “I love you”. It’s not a healthy relationship by any means. But, I feel lost and confused. What do I do? Do I continue to support him??? My family hates him and I can’t talk to them about it. I’ve been told by then “good, hope he dies”. He’s had a VERY rough life. In and out of prison, drugs, alcohol, but that was before I met him. He really was trying. Please help, do I just give up on him and hope he gets the help he needs?? Do I ignore my family (which he has hurt very bad) and be there for him? I’m so confused and hurt. 😢😢

    1. I am actually with this same exact thing and in need of help as well I’m hurt scared and i love him but our relationship is no where near healthy

      1. I feel just like you two helpless, guilty. I didn’t go to the hospital this time, because I’m in my own feelings and that won’t help him. Our relationship is not healthy. I Love him, but mentally exhausted. Any advice?

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