Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem
Bipolar disorder and ghosting is a big problem. I didn’t realize the extent of this problem until I saw the number of comments on my recent YouTube video, "Ghosting and Bipolar Disorder: Why We Do It".
What is Ghosting? The Role It Plays in Bipolar
Ghosting is a contemporary term used for when a person completely cuts off all communication with a friend or romantic partner by not responding to texts, ignoring calls and acting as if the person no longer exists. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. One day they are a part of your life, and the next day they disappear from it without warning. It negatively impacts friendships and romantic relationships. Ghosting is done by many of us living with bipolar disorder, especially during bipolar depressive episodes.
"I’m guilty of this when I’m hypomanic and in a negative mood and I’m super sensitive and I get easily hurt or angry at people and instead of confronting them, I just ghost them when they try to contact me." ~Xoxofmw, YouTube commenter
Why Do People with Bipolar Disorder Engage in Ghosting?
Those of us living with bipolar disorder definitely have a problem with ghosting people. It doesn't matter whether it's someone we're dating or friends with. Unfortunately, sometimes we're even ghosting our family members.
I have bipolar II and yes, I've ghosted people. Why? It feels more comfortable for me to cut off all communication with another person when I am struggling with highs and lows. Secondly, when I am dating someone, the fear of being rejected due to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder is always present. That makes me push another person away when they get too close. Thirdly, the stigma of mental illness causes severe anxiety in those of us living with bipolar disorder. Although a person we are romantically involved with may not be showing signs of rejecting us due to bipolar, we feel as though it is inevitable that at some point it will happen.
"I just do this on a low episode. I see it as protecting friends from me dragging them down to my level. Plus, in all honesty, I can’t deal with feeling suffocated whilst in the low and just want to be left on my own. It’s easier that way. ~ Claire, YouTube commenter
Self-stigmatizing is another significant reason for ghosting as well. Those of us with bipolar disorder subconsciously believe that we are unlovable and undeserving of friendships and relationships, which causes us to act on ghosting. The stress and pressure to explain the reasons for pushing away creates anxiety; which is where ghosting comes into play.
"I do this a lot. I stop answering phone calls and texts, and avoiding any form of communication with friends and family. In my mind, I don't stop loving them or care for them. I just feel overwhelmed and I feel the need to create a distance between me and them so I can calm down. Now, unfortunately, this can take from a couple days to a couple weeks." ~ Katia, YouTube commenter
The Affect Ghosting Has on Others
Over the years, I have realized that regardless of what is going on in my life, ghosting is hurtful to another person. I have been on both sides of ghosting, and it is very harmful and causes extreme insecurities.
"I just lost a friend who deals with bipolar. She just cut me off. I tried and tried. Dealt with the ups and downs and dealing with my own depression and insecurity, it was very difficult. ~ Embree, YouTube commenter
Bipolar disorder is not an excuse for hurting another person. Although we deal with anxiety and depression and it leads to many of us isolating ourselves, we are still responsible for the way our behavior negatively affects friends, family, and romantic partners. There are people who care about us, and they deserve a proper response even though it is difficult for those of us living with bipolar disorder to do so at times. This is something I am working on as well because I severely struggle with opening up which leads me to ghosting other individuals.
My ex, who's getting well with depression and very positive about her progress, left me since I have bipolar 2 and I isolate myself every once in a while. She doesn't like it since it triggers her. So she broke up with me and told me I can't give her what she needs. ~ Chaz, YouTube commenter
Self-awareness is essential when it comes to behaviors like ghosting. Many people with bipolar disorder do not even realize that this is a problem. Building strong relationships without openness and communication is impossible. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to self-awareness and learning how to properly communicate with others to prevent anyone getting hurt or feeling ignored by someone they care about.
"When I feel like isolating, I "check on" the people around me, my friends in recovery. This way I am not alone, but I am not talking about ME, I am checking on THEM. Seems to help! ~ BipolarLightningBug, YouTube commenter
What about you? How has being ghosted by someone with bipolar disorder affected you? And if living with bipolar disorder and ghosting others has been part of your life, why do you do it? Also, helpful suggestions on how to end this type of behavior are welcomed.
Blum, H. (2019, January 28). Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, June 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/living-with-bipolar-blog/2019/1/bipolar-disorder-and-ghosting-its-a-big-problem
Author: Hannah Blum
I am trying to figure out what is going on with the guy I was dating - until last week, and wondering if this is it. We dated for several months and everything was going really great, I thought. We moved very slowly, but I understood he'd come out of a difficult relationship and had two kids from a previous marriage as well. We had a great connection and he was always extremely considerate and thoughtful. He messaged me all day every day, was very interested in my work, etc. I saw him one night two weeks ago and then poof. He stopped messaging, stopped responding. I asked him what was going on via text and he said just busy. I knew it didn't seem right so I called, and he insisted everything was fine. The next day he sent me a TEXT saying he had to cancel our plans for the following night, as he was too busy to date. Although I responded that I was extremely hurt he would end things over text, and not even call, he said that he was sorry but still didn't call. At some point my friend (not at my prompting) urged him to call me b/c she could tell how distressed I was by the lack of closure. He said something like ok, but did not. I can't make heads or tails of it. Did I do something? did he have something going on I didn't know about? I did notice he would get obsessive about various subjects, and he admitted it was a thing for him. He also mentioned taking prozac at one point. Could there be much more going on than I knew?
He sounds like my boyfriend….same situation. Did you know he was bipolar? Boyfriend also had two kids from a previous marriage and one from one before that his name wasn’t John was it lol just kidding
What is the hardest for me is the not knowing . We’ve been dating for 5 months , and he has ghosted me the for the last 6 days. He told me a few months ago he has depression and BP , used to take Cymbalta. I noticed he would hyperfocus on a political issue , definitely had some paranoia. But none of it was horribly alarming. He’s had a rough few months , lost his place in a fire , and had really been struggling . We only see each other once a month or so just due to all the crap going on, and he lives a few hours away from me. I feel like it’s hard to know if this is just him needing space because he has so much crap going on. He has been in a funk for a bit , but then we just had a very passionate , emotional weekend with him telling me all the right things . And then “ poof” a few days later he was stressed about work and hasn’t texted back . This was just so out of character, that I thought he must have broken his phone , or gotten hurt . We literally text all the time , for hours . I couldn’t believe that the very same man who had shared so much with me and been so vulnerable with me would just walk away. Honestly I’m a bit heart broken and so lost and confused. Part of me thinks he just needs some time to sort things out, but the longer it gets without hearing from him , I just think he’s gone . So then of course , I doubt my ability to know someone . We have had such an connection on every level . I feel very taken advantage of . Because we literally talked all the time about the future .
I guess I’m just trying to decide , do I get mad and give him an earful of how hurt I am , which probably will just push him away . Or do I just give him space and hope he comes back , and not contact him until he does. This has been especially hard since he’s the first person I’ve actually dated since getting out of a 23 year marriage 4 years ago. Talk about major trust issues after this !
I doing what I doing out of my pain for my pain is felt by every part of me. I don't like it but look at you doing I just wanted you to knowhow much it hurts me. But I see I am not even 1/4 or even 1/8 of your suckses of showing you how it feels .I can't even keep up so I so far behind I must just drop out the race and be happy for the great leads and success with the resteraunt .it pains me to realize I will never dine of your meals again. I am a sad failure in so many ways love and success is all to you.ghost is so empty .
Omg this sounds like I wrote it! Please update me!
Dear Lara, i am currently dealing with the same issue, someone I've cared About for a very long time has Bipolar Disorder and he had disappeared once before but it was understandable because we had gotten into a discussion and it didn't end well so it was understandable when he decided to disappear and ghost, i didn't see it as an issue with his disorder. I was very upset with him and he never responded to anything i said which I'm sure just scared him off even more out of anxiety.
I didn't see him for a long time till i bumped into him, we didn't speak but i eventually decided to reach out and we spoke about everything that happened. He apologized immediately to me and i also told him it was alright and we reconciled and spoke last month as if nothing had happened. We were both just happy to be in each other's lives again, he said he was so glad i reached out and that he doesn't want to lose me and was so happy to speak again. We spoke for a week and on the same day that he said good morning to me after speaking all night about wanting to see each other again, poof.... Ghosted. I messaged him a few times asking casually how he's doing... Nothing. Absolutely nothing for weeks and then a month passed and i was just worried... I left him one last message saying that i hope he's alright and to contact me whenever he's ready to speak again and that i wasn't upset, just worried.
It's been a month and nothing.
We have mutual friends but none that he hangs out with so i have no one to ask...
I miss him like crazy and it is so hurtful to have gained and lost him so quickly.
I hope everyday that he reappears and perhaps has some explanation. I keep blaming myself as if it's something I've done but we didn't fight or anything so that wouldn't make sense.
I hope your situation gets better.
Sincerely, lost & confused.
I feel with every single one of you. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 3 months now and wvery 5-6 weeks will just disappear in me. Nosigns before and no explanation. He told me early on that he had bipolar 2 and I said I still wanted to be with him and be there for him.
I’ve told him many times that I’m here for the good and the bad time. And when we are together and things are going good it’s great. He tells me how much he likes me, how much he connects with me and how much he appreciates me.
But then he dissapears for 3-4 weeks without sending me a message, replying to me or even let’s me know he’s okey. I’ve told him that it’s fine if he needs time but that everytime this happens I get worried sick. I just want to know that he’s alive and not somewhere in a ditch dying.
I really really like the guy and that’s why I’m putting up with this. But what bothers me the most is the feeling that if I ever needed him he would not be there for me. If I went to the hospital, weren’t feeling well or really struggeling he wouldn’t care because he is in a dark place and ignoring wverything else in the world.
I’m honestly not sure what to do anymore. I’m currently on season 2 week 4 of him ghosting me.. guess I’ll just wait for him to come back and then talk to him then
Wow, that sounds really rough and I'm sorry to hear that. I'm very empathetic to your situation and your thoughts.
> But what bothers me the most is the feeling that if I ever needed him he would not be there for me. If I went to the hospital, weren’t feeling well or really struggeling he wouldn’t care because he is in a dark place and ignoring wverything else in the world.
This one really hurts me to think about, too. Perhaps you can talk with him, calmly and without judgment, about getting on a medication. Sorry I don't have any more suggestions, as I'm researching my own situation at the moment. Good luck.
Well in your fine installed research look back at the wemon in black and her love for such and how many times has my love almost killed me .(recap 1 st avoided head on collision falling asleep behind wheel. why was I so tired. 2nd it's on fire ya that hurt living with that scar forever 3 time down at the river crying over what I thought was love. Driving not far before live hit me hard in the moments I was dead for days I thought my pain and love and life was over as soon as I was getting ok with death some smart as doctor brought me back to this pain everlasting life FOR GOD SAID THERES NO RESTING THERE FOR THE WICKED SO THE VERDICKET IS IN THERES NO PLACE For me to rest so hears a toast to my pain everlasting) I hope that you and your group sexsest in love and life .for that next time your pain hurts me I afraid it will cost me a retirement to hell
I almost lost my life in that wreck.i am and wont ever get back to my being the man I was before that and I never in my week in the hospital did I see our even feel a presence of your thought. It leaving me 100 0⁰0.00 thousand and more in depth. Wourse yet is I cant walk to the front door without looking as dumb as I am I won't be able to get back what I was crying at the river about just before the wreck but I was a wreck before that I sure but I wish I hadn't been crying I was distracted by all my pain and I didn't see that truck god I wish I hadn't even cared so much I might not have been there our I would have seen that truck so you have no clue at how much loving you will. Honestly this ghost to the end of my days trust me I paying deeply for every once of love I got from you my 1 true love hears to a cold love I paying
I'm sorry Chris, love shouldn't hurt. I hope you find peace in your mind.. I hope your heart heals and you can give and accept unconditional love. ❤
My boyfriend has just done this to me 5 weeks ago. Things were going so well, he had a very rough month in December and I gave him space but we stayed in contact by phone. He was very poorly the last time I saw him, so I helped by taking some essentials around. I haven’t heard from him since, I’ve text him about once a week just to check on him. He reads them but ignored them. I’m so confused and 100 different reasons are constantly going through my head as to why this has happened. I don’t know whether it is to do with his bipolar. I’m just completely lost and don’t know what to do x
Hi Claire, curious how it is going? My guy and I had a rough December also, but the last couple months have been good. Our situation sound the same. There have been times where I gave him space and we always ended up back together. This time I picked up on some signs that the depression was stirring up again. It has now been 2.5 weeks since he just stopped all communication, I have texted him several times and no response. We texted through out the day all the time and now nothing, it is so hard since we were always in touch, I'm scared this time he will not be back. He does have a lot on his plate right now, but he is working and has a lot of overtime as well, I think he just works and sleeps. When it is good, it is great but when it is bad, it's horrible. I don't know what to do and so lost, I cry and cry.. I have thought about Bi-polar in the past and now reading all these comments, I really think that is what he has.
married for 30 yrs. husband was diagnosed this year. he has ghosted me and we live in the same house. it has been for 10 yrs. i was just taking care of things and the kids and figured as soon as kids were all out of the house, we would either separate or just live as roomates as we have been. he has done better since on meds, but the ghosting still happens. i remind him im still here whether you want me to be or not.
Renee, my wife decided after 33yrs and seven children…she never loved me . She cut off all communication like we never existed. Then after two months she’s acting like we’re friends. After watching this video I can see the correlation between overwhelming deep feelings of anything and the unintended destruction caused by a bipolar reaction.
My boyfriend is bipolar and self medicated. He has been taking something he buys online in liquid form under the tongue. It wasn’t ideal but it actually did seem to be helping him and I was at the point where if it helps I’ll take it. Over the summer he started to slip into old negative behavior, when he is manic he gets mean and snarky. He picks at everything I do and say, criticizes me and calls me names. A few weeks ago he started going to a psychiatrist for experimental ketamine treatments. Before that he became obsessed with weight loss and fasting. He lost 20 lbs and starting fast for 48 to 72 hours at a time once a week. He was constantly food shaming me and trying to get me on his dieting level. Then he added the ketamine into the mix and was intolerable and mean all the time. Last week I picked him up from an appointment and he picked a fight with me, said a bunch of hurtful things and broke up with me. I went to his house and gathered my things and left. We didn’t talk all week. He sent me a message that night reminding of an obligation I had in the morning. I didn’t respond and I didn’t make the obligation either. I ran into him a few times that week at work (yes we work at the same company so there’s that) the first time we shared an elevator and made pleasant small talk. After I felt ashamed for even being nice to him after how he treated me so the next few times I just ignored him altogether. He messaged me on fb that night and said he missed me and wished I’d come over for some jalapeño poppers he’d made. Then the next day we chatted and he seemed like he was having regret and was still even considering coming on my trip for my bday in October. I tried to reach out the next day but he ignored me. Then I had asked about a couple of things I forgot to grab from his house, I said I’d leave my car unlocked and he could just leave them in my car at work l. That way if he didn’t want to talk he didn’t have to. Days went by and nothing. No returner stuff and no response. I waited a few more days to give him space then I messaged him again. This time on fb messenger so I could at least see if he was reading my messages. I said if he needs more time let me know. If it’s done and he doesn’t want to talk again at least let me know and return my things but either way please don’t leave me hanging. I’ve done nothing to deserve that. Read the message but no response. Even fb says we are still “in a relationship” he hasn’t told his family whom I’m close to and I wanted to give him the opportunity to either figure it out and or tell them first. He has had a history or being in w relationship and then ghosting her. I don’t know what this is or what he wants. I feel like I’m going crazy and not sure what to do
I have been completely ignored for 3 months. It has really helped me to read this article and read everyone's comments. Going through divorce after 14 years. Painful. Thank you all.
I need help. I cant differentiate between my boyfriend being bipolar or just being a jerk. Its been 3 months since we have been dating. The first few weeks he was amazing, literally texting me day and night. Always wanting to meet up and then all of a sudden a month later, he ghosted me for 5 days and then showed back up with no explanation. I forgave him and we moved forward then exactly a month later he ghosts me again. He would show signs of major mood swings. He eats once every 24-36 hours. He has nightmares almost everyday. We have had no problems or any fights. Hes calling me baby one day and then a few hours later he just disappeared. Its been 10 days and ive heard nothing back from him. He posted once on his snapchat story and he knows i can see it but he didnt even care. Idk if im making excuses for him or this is really his disorder.
This is literally the EXACT thing I'm experiencing with my boyfriend. EXACT. We were quarantined together because of covid - and maybe that caused us to drift apart.
Mood swings. Come and go. But, truly a lovely person.
He has told me he has schizophrenic-affected disorder. We've been dating now for 2 months. Our relationship started exactly how you described. eerily similar.
I have been in a live-in romantic relationship with someone that has bipolar 2 disorder. We were together for 4 years and it has been an absolute emotional roller coaster. She was the first person i had met with bipolar disorder so i was clueless for awhile. I only started realizing something was off with her emotionally stability a few months into the relationship, because she was really good at hiding her emotions. I started to later notice her manic full of energy episodes and depressive episodes, but i had always thought this was a part of her personality due to her past traumas with family and past relationships with exes. She had told me that her broken relationship with her parents was the reason why she had moved out at the age of 18. I met her when she was 20 and i was 21 and at the time i had religous parents that i wanted to escape from so i took the oppurtunity to live with her. I fell in love with her for her sweet, loving, kind hearted and genuine personality. I always had overlooked the savage side of her that was irritably verbally abusive, manipulative, hateful, and full of unnecessary complaints. About half a year into our live-in relationship i had realize that her emotional personality was a mental illness, bipolar disorder. Upon realizing this i was already emotionally invested and had told her that i would try to always be commited to understanding her bipolar disorder. Our whole relationship has been respectfully great. We had spent almost everyday together working multiple jobs for the past 4 years to make ends meet paying the bills and rent. We would always get stoned and go on dinner dates. She would go out of her way to do things for me as she was full of surprises on our monthsaries. She would always assure our relationship and would tell me I was the one she loved the most. She was quite responsible always cooking,cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I've seen her struggle with her depressive epsiodes and i've always comforted her with hugs and kisses. Like any other relationships we've had really bad arguments, but we both maturely always manage to come to an agreement and accept our faults. 4 years into the relationship i really believed that she was a person that i could have a future with and eventually get married. Then came a turning point to our relationship. We both started working at a marijuana grow op and she had started smoking excessively and drank energy drinks every single day for a month straight. I believe the high amount of caffeine worsened her anxiety and ability to cope through her mood swings. She had also met a new co-worker that i have noticed they have gotten uncomfortably close and his intentions were clear that he likes her. I've confronted her about and she claims that they are nothing more than friends. I've even caught her texting him it was nothing sexual but she tried to hide his phone number by saving it under her girlfriend's name. Her excuse was so i dont get butt hurt about it. After work she would be emotionally exhausted and she slowly started to drift away from me. I also had a gut feeling that she caught feelings for this other coworker of ours. We both ended up getting laid off from the job and thats when she was a complete emotiotional wreck. Out of nowhere, out of the god damn blue she was saying she needed space to be alone and that she was feeling alot of pain and hurt inside and she could no longer give me love and that its not my fault. She brought up how she wanted to move back with her abusive parents and that we give eachother space for a month for her to better herself, which made no sense at all. I have been the one supporting her and basically being her therapist for 4 years. Anyways she proposed that we give eachother space for a month and not talk to eachother at all and after she gets to decide if she was better enough to keep our relationship going. I had a gut feeling that she wanted to GHOST me after that one month. So i confronted her about this "space" she wanted and what her intentions were and she literally told me that our relationship is coming to an end. Im 25 years old now , scratching my head asking myself what did i get myself into.
Wow… you almost described my past relationship to a Tee. I almost thought you were my ex, except when were were dating I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder. I am 26 and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I start my meds tomorrow and pray they help.
Rex it may take awhile to find the correct medication for you personally. ( taken me 15 years )
Didn’t know I was BP2 till about 56, so you have an advantage over me in that sense.
It would be a good idea to keep a diary of your mood swings, high and low, whether you get anxious and if you are having trouble getting enough sleep.
When I get real low just don’t want to interact with people much ( though keep in touch with my brother ), become very withdrawn and there’s not much fun to be had.
It’s important to realise most BP people are “ very creative “ so explore that through writing, painting, writing songs, poetry perhaps...maybe learn a musical instrument.
Examples Winston Churchill with his speeches, Shelly the poet, Motzart and Jimi Hendrix, a number of actors are also Bipolar also.
It’s important you acknowledge you are BP and read up about it.
Rex people with BP should never be getting too much into stimulants, such as high caffeine drinks, coffee , alcohol and illicit drugs are just a no go.
These things will only exacerbate the BP condition and your life will spiral out of control.
At the moment have gone into depression and withdrawal, but know this will not last so just have to ride it out.
Do people in an episode appreciate kindness and/or encouraging messages here and there while in an episode/pulling away/being closed off? Even if they may not respond?
You can however you feel so withdrawn and sad you don’t like to expose yourself to people when you are so low. You don’t want them to see you when your so down as it’s no fun and kind of embarrassing....and you feel you just want to be alone and quiet.
I’m going through a major low at the moment, will be going back to lay on my bed soon.
It never ends. It will keep happening over and over again.
Don't put anything financially in their name and leave run ASAP
It never stops
Me and my partner was together for 8 months everything was great spend every night together we bought presents great we was good together says I'm best partner he had. We had few arguments like we all do then he had alot of crap lately lost his house, cat had to go to his dad's, work been hard then he crashed his truck all stress then he snapped now down sad depression breakdown. Total shock he like a different person. We don't live together but since his illnesses we now never see each other or hear from him. Shock everything was great it like he blaming me for everything he sees his mates family not me. For last month it been hard I've cried not slept he pushing me away. I sent thinking of you card every week even once a week went up drop goodie bag of for him to his neighbour to give never even got a thankyou. Then surprise we met week ago could see he was not the guy I new down sad quite. But he bought new truck had hair done new clothes. Then said SHOCK maybe we be friends what I said no I don't want that. I cried so much when I got home. Was that low surprised I thought this it im sick of this. I've stood by you now this. I was at one point thought my life ended told him in a text im done I dint get a reply. Not even next day. For all he new I could be dead on floor. He replied back im ill I don't need all this crap I said all about you. WHAT has happened to this guy. what do I do driving me mad week now no contact ???? I think he got Bioplar
I’ve been in a relationship for a year with a guy with bipolar. In that time I’ve seen and supported some of the worst highs and lows and he has trusted me with that implicitly. This time however as an episode has been brewing, he has decided to take personal offence to comment I made about myself, and some how completely twisted this as being a criticism of him. I’ve spent hours trying to support reassure and have been resolute in that but it’s not enough. As a result has been very nasty name calling and taken to blocking me everywhere. Very worrying behaviour not knowing if he’s okay etc but I also believe we both need a break. Kinda hopeful at some point he will unblock and we can discuss but also preparing for worst case also. Very sad given how we connect amazingly and love each other very deeply but can’t help but think maybe this is for best. Clearly I’m not what he needs or we wouldn’t be where we are today
So sad to see you’re going through this too. Can I ask how you deal with the fact he’s blocked you out? I’ve been shut out for two weeks with my guy now and I’m struggling to refrain from bombarding him with messages. How do you go from being someone’s everything to feeling like you no longer exist?
Everything seemed great until I graduated and he became distant. Stopped coming home at a decent time, stopped texting me, totally withdrew himself and blamed me for being pregnant. I left and he never contacted me more than a week. I went home finally and laid by him crying and telling him I loved him. No response until after awhile he turned around and hugged me and says he doesn’t trust me. Says it’s my fault and I’m the problem but proceeds to maintain a relationship with me. Since then I gave him space and come home in the evenings. I learned not to take anything personal. It’s not the real them it’s the disease that makes them like this.
This. I’m so struggling with this. All I want to do is lash out because I’m so hurt that I continually get pushed away. But I know that won’t help anything. But I don’t know how to deal with the pain of being without him.
Bittersweet seeing this. Comforting to know I’m not the only one going through it but now realizing it’s a pattern and it’s probably never gonna change.
This was really helpful to find that other people are in the same boat. I’ve been in a long distance relationship on and off for 17 years. I started talking to this guy when I was 13. He had a damaged childhood, with his mum dying from cancer when we were 15, followed by his dad committing suicide shortly after, and abuse from his step dad the following years. He’s extremely broken. We talked for hours everyday through the night and leaned on each other through our teens. At 23, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and when I told my guy, he couldn’t handle the pain of it and disappeared for 5 years. I was unable to trace him down. Eventually I moved to Canada from England and one day when looking him up I found his old social media account had been reactivated. We got back in touch and it’s like nothing had ever happened. He told me he was diagnosed with bipolar shortly after my dad passed away in 2014 and was in a bad way, but he had kept an eye on my progress and thought I hated him for leaving me, so he thought I’d be better off. We fell back in love and he made many attempts to visit me in Canada although his anxiety and mentality stopped him every time. After a year, I decided to fly back to England to bring him back with me. We both quit our jobs and decided to start a fresh together in Canada even though this was during the pandemic.
Since being back in the uk, we have still not gotten together. he has had many depressive episodes and has now ghosted me around 6 times in the past 6 months, sometimes due to having covid, or the death of his grandfather. It hurts me every time he goes because I’m always anxious he won’t be back. He’s now been gone for 10 days. Not the longest time, but it’s a struggle being here with no income and needing to get home through these tough times. He’s the love of my life and when things are good, we are incredibly strong and loving. But it really takes a toll on my own mental health. I’m trying to be understanding and I’ve never given him the feeling that I would consider giving up on him. We know each other better than anyone else could and it’s important to me that he understands he deserves love and happiness just like anyone else. But my heart goes out to all those with this disorder. There is someone out there who will prioritise you. You just need to let them help you.
Your comment at the end: he deserves love and happiness tells me everything about you. YOU DESERVE love and happiness! You deserve someone you can count on to be there for YOU during your hard times. We can call this but-polar or we could call it narcissistic and selfish behavior. Your guy is not your guy. He is a user and he plays you like a fiddle. Your self esteem at this point has to be like a pancake on the pavement. I’m sorry. Bi-polar or not your boyfriend is not a healthy choice and your life is now adding up to decades of disappointment. He needs help but not yours. He needs a psychiatrist’s help and meds. I won’t devote more precious time to his life long issues. It’s you I am concerned about. Run! Leave. Find a healthy partner who you can count on to be reliable and loving. This is not a 2 way relationship. Your life is passing you by. This relationship is going to scar you forever if you don’t move on, let go emotionally and make better choices in a life partner. I say run as fast as you can back to Canada and keep any conversation with him infrequent and superficial with no plans for the future.
My story is similar with the ghosting when he’s upset. He drove home at midnight after an imagined slight/completely illogical after two huge glasses of wine. Would not answer the phone all night and next day. Returned things we had bought together. I have many examples of drama and pain and immaturity. We only dated for 4 months but he was so incredibly loving and sweet when not in a mood. I was never allowed to have my own moods/he could not handle it and they were mild compared to his. He insulted me SO bad the other night as we crawled into bed. I was up all night with tears and waves of stress. I begged him to apologize and he insisted he meant it and that “it was not that bad”. The entire 4 months have been either extremely loving or extremely irritable. That day I made him leave his key and take his things out of my house. All he had to do was acknowledge my pain. I just don’t understand it but it’s on par with the whole way the relationship has been. This happened yesterday and although I feel relief I still love him and want to make sure he’s ok. He is ignoring my texts and phone calls completely. I’m sure by now I’m “against him” like “everybody else”. I know in my heart I did the right thing because I’m recovering from a car accident and I also have my own mental health to worry about. I know my life with him would be very hard. It’s all so painful. I hope he sticks with his new therapist and that we can work it out one day. If anyone would like to answer this post I would really appreciate it. He’s such a tortured soul who literally does not know how to have a respectful, adult conversation geared towards resolution. Instead he just escalates. I feel my own mental health regressing.
I am seeing my relationship in these stories. My partner of over 20 years does the same thing. He is bipolar but refuses treatment. One minute he is hypomanic, saying foolish things about nothing. Then he gets irritated, puts me down for no reason or for something very minor. Sometimes this passes but at times he goes into a deep depression, talks about suicide, and completely ghosts me. If I’m with him at the time, he sleeps literally all day, refuses to talk and gets verbally abusive if I try to talk to him. If I’m at my own place, he will stop answering his phone or texts. It is very difficult to deal with. The past two days he has slept all day and refuses to interact with me at all.
I don't have experience with this, but it sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum of getting treatment or walking out. I've been reading the other comments in this thread and it sounds like, no matter how hard he convinces you (or you convince yourself), the emotional rollercoaster is going to continue forever.
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I have a couple of people in my life with bipolar disjunction. . When on medication they can seemingly function normally. I have one friend that goes back 60 years. We have been close. Somewhere around 5 years ago I noticed her erratic behavior. We don’t live in the same city so this became apparent when she visited us. Unfiltered and no boundaries the behavior was quite a shock. I won’t go into details but after 5 days of that and speaking with her family members much came to the surface. She said she hadn’t brought enough meds with her. Whether or not that was true she had people feeling like babysitters before she went home. She would have periods of normalcy. For a time afterwards she lived with her daughter and that not working well for the household she went to a half way house of a sort where meds would be sorted. Then she finally got her own place. Our friendship has been through many phases. I decided to move nearby because I had not recognized patterns to her behavior changing and getting worse over time. We had many conversations where she seemed herself, doing the right thing to get help. Now that I am here, after and for many months she has cut me out of her life. I was hurt at first even angry. I am approaching indifferent as I have decided to cut ties with her. It is too much of a roller coaster. Also my husband and I will be moving back to where we came from. I read somewhere a statement that addresses this issue very well. Having bipolar doesn’t give you a free pass to treat friends with no respect. So we move on. She is on meds, found a new therapist and has a life even in the pandemic. The difference is I am not in it, but it is my choice not hers.
WOW! ALL OF THIS IS INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL AND VERY CLARIFYING TO SAY THE LEAST. RECENTLY STARTED DATING A CHILDHOOD LOVE I'VE KNOWN FOR NEARLY 30 YEARS NEVER KNOWING ABOUT THE BP UNTIL JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO. GHOSTING WHILE LIVING TOGETHER HAS BEEN ONGOING FOR OVER 3 WEEKS NOW, CONSIDERING THE VERY INTENTIONAL DAILY COMMUNICATIONS THROUGHOUT THE DAY COMING TO A VERY ABRUPT HALT HAS RAISED RED FLAGS ON SO MANY LEVELS. AFTER READING ALL THESE POSTS/EXPERIENCES IN AN EFFORT TO EDUCATE MYSELF, I'M NOT SO SURE THIS WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO BE IN AN ONGOING RELATIONSHIP WONDERING AND WORRYING WHETHER OR NOT EVERYTHING IS OR IS GOING TO BE OKAY AS I DO HAVE TO CONSIDER MY OWN MENTAL/EMOTIONAL STATE OF HEALTH AND SELF RESPECT.....
I am going through a similar situation... I’ve spoken with a pharmacist and a counsellor to get a better understanding of this disorder. I figure the best I can do is educate myself... while I’m relieved I’m not alone, I’m sorry to see so many people going through similar situations. I see the woman I care for, not the disease, but sometimes I wonder what it all means... when she’s with me, the world just melts away! Be when she cuts off communication, the mind wonders on her safety... she’s assured me, as other have mentioned, that she has strong feelings for me and isn’t going anywhere... still doesn’t make it any less comfortable. I send her texts of support, hoping her day is going well, and fill her in on funny little things she would normally laugh at and enjoy... atleast she’s knows I’m still here... but it not easy shutting off my mind when I hear absolutely nothing back...
I too have recently been ghosted by a boyfriend of 4 years who is manic depressive. He made up a BS story and gave me 2 weeks to move out of his house. Since then he has ghosted me. There have been no calls or texts from him. I'm glad to see that I'm not alone and that other people have experienced the same thing. I have learned from other people that he's been saying that he is no longer with me. I have not gotten an explanation about anything. I know that he's been doing a lot of drinking and has been smoking weed. Over the years I have seen the mood swings and now he's in that depressive state. I hate being treated as though I no longer exist. It is very hurtful and difficult to not take it personally especially since we never fought and I did everything for him.
I am recently going through this with the exception we did not live together. We just hit our one year together. We have always said we loved and missed each other. It was in a blink of an eye that on a Sunday he loved me and Tuesday he told me he needed space, has inner demons, but healthy or happy with himself. Wished me the best. I was going over next day to bring him his things and get mine. Not but two hours before I was to go he texted, you are not welcome here, if you show up I’ll call the law on you.” I tried to get him to talk or communicate to understand what all happened. I tried a couple more times but he will not respond. Reading what everyone is saying I believe he has this disorder. I am struggling and each day I think it would get easier but it’s not. How do, or what are things you are doing that is getting you thru this? Just like you we have never fought. We had spent everyday together for a year with the exception of a total spam of 2 weeks throughout the year.
Hi there- Yes my boyfriend came back in town from his toxic family all mad (although he blames everything on me). We were going to submit a business proposal and he was triggered by one comment I made (voicing my concerns about his behavior), hung up on my and said if I came over he would call the cops. I didnt know he was bipolar until I starting going to counseling and they informed, based on his behavior, he was. Now a month later he is still mad at him and I am completely depressed and hurt.
This is eerie. 2 years I was with a girl and I fell hard. Deeply loved her. She told me she loved me and we started talking about future plans. Long term. I was going thru a divorce when we got together. It was dragging.
We stopped seeing each other for a couple months so I could get all of my things in order and be fully committed. We both agreed that would be for the best. When we started talking again she told me how much she loved me. How much she needed me. We rekindled our relationship in April. 3 days later she told me I’m all she has ever wanted. It was the last time she talked to me. Flat out disappeared. I have sent e mails and texts. I get zero response. It’s been 6 weeks. She told me she was bi polar 2. She hadn’t had an “episode” in our time together.
It’s so confusing. I gave her her space at first because she was having family problems. She asked for a couple days to sort it and then her last text and now she’s gone. I don’t have a clue what to do. This thread helped me a lot. Even if I’m wrong I can chalk it up to her illness. It will help me understand. It’s truly devastating. I hope she finds her way. I will ask this, does this behavior usually reverse? Or is she gone forever? I’m expecting her to suddenly reappear. It feels so incomplete.
Hi my story is similar.
May i ask if he got back in touch with you?
Iv not heard from my gf in 4 weeks.
No explanation or nothing .
Hi Jilly, I'm not sure if this is still relevant or not, but I completely relate to your story. My wife of 4 years almost 5 together has severe bipolar an has just ghosted me for the 3rd time in our relationship. I've been thru everything with her, saved her life multiple times. Anyways, we just repaired things 8or9 months ago but last week she flew off the handle, made up a story that I have no idea where it came from saying I hit her, in fact she actually swung at me. I haven't seen any contact since then, only one time and it was kinda like a goodbye God bless you kinda thing.. she came get most her things, she's convinced everyone close of her lie, and now it's looking like divorce is her and her family's plan, and they've left me with all the bills, I'm broke.. Noone believes me now even with how much I've done for her and saved her. I'm heartbroken, and fear she may feel this way about me forever or if she ever does realize it be too late.
Thank you. I am going through the same. Kudos in regard to trying not to take it personally, but the fact I am coming to realize, is that it is personal. It is abuse -- toward you (us). They are abusing personally, and any anger, hurt, trauma, is fully justified -- in the same way we might feel if someone came up off the street and through a punch.
It is directed. It is personal. And it is abuse. While understanding can always help both parties, adults acting in this manner deserve no kindness from those they abuse.
I am going through nthe exact same thing. My man claims he loves me and he never had anyone like me in his life !!! His mom and brother passed away recently. He is has been extremely intoxicated for days now. He speak to me or see me. Now he has blocked me from his social media. I have my own problems to deal. Not to mention I am raising my four sons. His illness is depressing me. I can not have anyone stressing me out like this!!!!
Paul as someone who is BP2, when I go into a low just tend to withdraw and shut down, just want peace quiet and be left alone...it’s nothing personal towards my friends it’s just that I can’t cope.
When I’m on a high I’m over confident , everything seems possible and doable as have a lot of energy also ...my psychiatrist is going to put me on different antidepressants once I feel better and can get get off that medication.
However that’s is some time away as wrestling with the “ black dog “ at the moment.
While in this frame of mind can not achieve much and facing the realities of my life is not easy.
This has actually recently happened to me with a childhood love as well. He showed so much love and promised he'd never leave again as this happened 20 years ago with him and I. He eventually started not texting at night, then say it was too much pressure and wouldn't answer texts. Not until I read about bipolar disorder did I put two and two together. It definitely caused me so much pain that I experienced when he did this 20 years ago. I can only imagine it happening down the road. Its almost like you are mourning the perso because you don't know if you'll ever see that person you felt so connected to again. Thank you for sharing your story.