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Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?

When deciding if and when to leave or end a relationship, how do we wade through the thoughts and consequences? How do you know when enough is enough?

When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.

In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.

Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship

Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.

We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.

It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.

The Ending a Relationship Decision

There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.

You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:

  • Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
  • There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
  • Get people that love you around you.
  • Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.

Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.

How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
share here: Twitter@JodiAman, Google+
inspire here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace

APA Reference
Lobozzo, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, August 8 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough



Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

rob
November, 1 2014 at 6:48 am

My boss found a new woman, 18 months later they are both still in love and are looking at buying a house together. He is in his 50s. There will be time. We had our first child when I was 34.

vicktoria
August, 12 2014 at 7:05 pm

My parnter and i are going on 10yrs. Have 3 children under the agr of 7. The past 2yrs have been very difficult. He started drinking but was nerver been dissrespectful till the last year. He has been pulling away from the family. Going out somtimes not coming home.there is no more trust. Theres always pain.he will say sorry but the next day or three it is the same thing over again. To be honest its killing me. I love this man but im getting to the point that i want to go but cant. I have the fear that durgs are involve. He is the bread winner im house wife (classic and pathic) the one time that i was perpared to to leave him my 7 year old jumped outof the moving car yelling at why was i doing this. The whole time my partner was on the street crying that he would change amke the situation worse....when we all clamed down my parenter asked me what was i going to do. No place to go, no money, how was i going to do anything with the kids. Made me feel at my lowest to realizen, How was I going to do it on my own? The lonlyness. The pain. Most of all realizing that maybe he never really koved me. So i stayed. Here i am 2months after that horrible situtation crying agagain for the 6 time this week in the bathroom so the kids wont see. And he is out with friends cause he has more important things ti do then to spen time with us. My piont to all this is how not when, but how?

sarah
July, 29 2014 at 2:47 pm

So ive been in my marriage now for 7 years. I have to kids with this man, i have been unfaithful, for reasons of uncertainty. I do love my husband but im not sure if im in love with him. I feel like he menipulates me. I have opened up with him and told him the truth about me cheating. He was more rational than i thought he would have been. There is a 26 year age difference between the two of us. I am 25 and he is now 51. I feel like ive married my father. He treats me like a child and controls every aspect of my life. I have told him i want a divorce and ecery time he begs me not to leave him. He works up tears amd then proceeds to tell my son that i dont love his dad and that i want to take my kids from him. So that makes me feel bad and so i stay. Ive went and got divorce papers and he found them and then he snuck my kids birth certificates so he could take my kids from me. I have a full time job ,i dont make much money but i am able to provide my kids with whatever they need. He doesnt trust me which i dont blame him but when it comes to me leaving the house he always has to go with me. Even if its down the street to the store. I cant go grocery shopping or even walmart with out him. Not even to my own mothers house. Im at my wits end and i can't take it anymore. What do i do. I need help.

Ken in CT
July, 21 2014 at 9:58 am

I'm a 56 y/o man living in CT, and have been married for 25 years (2 previous marriages - I left both). My wife has always been lazy - not wanting to work for her keep. Over the years things have deteriorated to where she no longer cleans and hardly ever cooks (On-Cor is NOT cooking - I can heat a can of beans myself!) We haven't had sex in about 5 years. She blames it on her health, but REFUSES to do anything to improve that. (Diagnosed with COPD 6 years ago - still smokes 1-1/2 packs a day.) However, she NEEDS me to buy all kinds of things for her - cigarettes, medication, personal items, etc. We are now in foreclosure because of her financial dependence. Having walked away from 2 previous marriages that we not satisfactory for me, I'm in no rush to do it again. So the question remains...when is enough enough?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
July, 21 2014 at 12:43 pm

Thank you all for writing in! It is much appreciated! :)

Jessica Duyag
July, 18 2014 at 10:47 pm

i hope i can apply it to myself. till the day i can say that im ready to fall in love again

Jessica Duyag
July, 18 2014 at 10:39 pm

5 hope sooner or later i can move on and forget the past. Till the day im ready to fall inlove again

Krystal
July, 10 2014 at 6:47 am

Hi ive been in a relationship with my paryner for almost 4years we have 2 children. Latley i have been feeling so down and angry nd start thinkong things. I dont know what ro do. Wen were happy were happy as but latley we have just been argueing and fighting sooo much he puts me down alot and says im useless and dumb and a cunt a bitchh sorry for my language and it hurts and makes me feel worse i love him and he does.me sometimes hed apologise and says he jst said tht bcoz he was angry. Im usually the happiest person yud ever meet but lately ive been sooo down hes only jst started helping me with our 2yr old and our 4month old. He expects me to have food cooked for him the house spotless clothes washed plus do both of our kids its hard doing things on my own and having no support from family or friends as we live in a new country now so i have no one. Im 21yrs old. He has hit me a few times he has an anger issue due to growing up around his father being this way i dont know what to so coz i do love him but lately it just hurts my heart sooo bad i feel like im starting to close myself off and hoing into a depressed stat ive trief for so long to make things work in our relationship.bt now feel like giving up plz help i dnt know what to do. He hasnt hit me again but still wen angry puts me down

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
July, 10 2014 at 10:39 am

Thank you for reading and commenting. Please take care of yourself, and your children. Violence is never OK. He has no right to hit you. Please consider contacting the domestic violence hotline at: 1-800-799-7233.

Sac Lady
July, 4 2014 at 10:13 pm

I've been separated for 4-1/2 years and finalizing my divorce. Had dated a divorced guy for over 2 years when this year he went on 2 vacations with his ex-wife and grown daughters--sharing the same hotel room/bed. He said it was for the sake of the "kids."
He also said he hadn't decided on pursuing a serious relationship.
I thought we had feelings for each other--but the vacation situation made me very insecure. My intuition says he still has emotional attachments to the ex. What's more, I never got to meet his extended family or his daughters. I knew it was enough when the hurt feelings bothered me everyday. I decided it's time to step away & he can figure out his exact ties with his ex-wife--I told him as much.We both experienced sadness but his indecision was itself a decision for both of us.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
July, 6 2014 at 12:14 pm

Thank you for reading and commenting. It is much appreciated. ~Gabe

Julie B.
July, 2 2014 at 9:13 am

I'm so glad I found this. It has been 2 months since I left my boyfriend of 3 years. We fought constantly, he made me cry a lot (and would just get mad for me crying), he was emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still miss him so much and want to go back. I thought I was making the right decision at the time, but it just hurts so much that I don't know anymore. I almost wish I never did leave. (Everyone is glad I did though). It just don't know if I will ever get over him. It makes me feel better to read other stories though to know I'm not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ken in CT
July, 21 2014 at 10:03 am

Julie B...the best cure for an old love is a new love!!!

C-
June, 28 2014 at 7:56 am

My bf and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. He was great when we first started dating but now it's getting rocky. We didn't fight at first, but it's getting more constant. I was into going to the local pubs and bars for the first year with him, then I just seemed to go through a phase. I grew out if drinking but he continued to just hit the liquor. It's getting to the point where it's out of control and he is hiding it from me. He stays at a coworkers hour after work, whom drinks too , and then comes home smelling of booze. I'm fed up and wanting to leave everyday. I'm scared because I don't know what to do once I leave. I saw my dr because I feel like I'm losing control and he told me to take care of the situation. How do I leave?!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
June, 29 2014 at 11:06 am

Thank you for reading and commenting. Choosing to leave and making a plan to leave are very difficult things. I know that it will be hard but if you are miserable in the present, then moving on will allow you a chance at making a happier future. Be well, Gabe

Casey Becker
June, 23 2014 at 11:57 am

I am in a similar situation right now. I am with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and quit honestly I am very unhappy. When we first started dating he came across as an extremely nice, and caring person. As the months progressed his true side started to show. He's insecure, petty, immature, and just all around shitty towards other people. He lacks a lot of compassion for others and he is very, very selfish. Now don't get me wrong...I am not perfect! I do have flaws but I noticed that all my flaws became a daily thing for me after being with this guy. I find that I have turned into an extremely negative person. The funny thing is....he says that I'm naturally negative and I'm the one that brings him down.
I do love him but I do not know what to do anymore. Any advise guys? (I haven't even typed half the story here so if you need more information about my situation to give me some solid advice I'll be more than happy to post more. I am being as honest as possible because I really do need some sound advice at this point).

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
June, 24 2014 at 10:05 am

Thank you Casey for reading & commenting. The original author is no longer with HealthyPlace, just as an FYI. THank you! :)

A~
June, 6 2014 at 1:52 am

I read most of these posts and silently cheered for everyone taking a positive action in their lives.
But what if there are kids involved? My marriage was over before it began but I stayed and now we have two young children. My husband takes no interest in them and only ever yells at my toddler. When he's home, he stays in our room or walks around with headphones on, distracted. He doesn't help around the house and always has an excuse for why he isn't. He's very selfish, irresponsible, spends money on material things before worrying about bills and necessities. He goes out with friends all the time for hours on end and never lets me know what's going on, even though I've asked. I never go out and if I do, he has to be there. If his behavior upsets me and I bring it up he always knows how to spin it to make me feel bad. He won't seek counseling with me, which was one of the agreements we made when he came back from a few months separation. I feel guilty saying that I was happier apart from him. But I want to do what's best for my girls and felt bad that they didn't see him as much so I took him back. My husband is happy settling in this marriage, and why wouldn't he be when he does whatever he damn well pleases. That and he can't live without a relationship.
I just don't want to compromise the happiness of my children. But in the process, I'm miserable.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
June, 6 2014 at 9:19 am

Hello A~
Thank you for reading and commenting. Children certainly do add another wrinkle to an already complicated situation. In general children are very perceptive and if the parents are miserable, they tend to be miserable. Nothing in life is easy but it is something to consider. Divorced parents that are HAPPY may be better than married parents that are UNHAPPY.

brown eyes
June, 5 2014 at 3:39 pm

I am 32 years. I Have been with my husband for almost 12 years. He has cheated on me blatantly 7 years ago by having the affair in our home while I was gone. He is 45 years old. I thought maybe it was a midlife crisis that requires time and patience. I decided to stay with him. Recently I left for almost 6 months and while not having sex I was shown physical contact by another guy. I just wanted to be held as my husband had not shown me any intimacy for atleast 6 months. Now I go and do this. I feel we are done. I think he will never forgive me. Also he has me leave the house for 3-4 hrs. I can't just go into another room and remain quiet. And he had an affair on his first wife. Is this marriage done. Plus over the phone he said he has lost some love for me. And right before I left for 5 months he said he's not happy. What should I do. I feel as if I am stifled and I want to make the right decision for both of us. Please help me!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
June, 6 2014 at 9:17 am

Hello Brown Eyes - Thank you for reading and commenting. Of course there are no easy answers. We all wish that there were. The decision is yours to make and I truly wish you the best.

facebook search posts
May, 31 2014 at 9:38 pm

Hola! I've been reading your weblog for some time now and
finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Tx!
Just wanted to say keep up the excellent job!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
May, 31 2014 at 11:13 pm

Thank you for the shout out!

justin_b
May, 27 2014 at 5:59 pm

I am going through something similar. 6 months ago I was hurt at work and have been off since than. Dealing with depression and the financial stress of my disability being unreliable in when I get my money has definitely made things allot harder on me. I went through a period of 4 years where I abused opiates, and went through allot of ups and downs to get clean which I have a little over 3 years. The problem is my girlfriend is dealing with horrible depression and anxiety she doesn't want to see a therapist, she doesn't want to look for a job, or rarely go out and do anything. She is 26 and I'm 30. I am struggling with what I know is right but stuck in so much fear and anxiety of letting go its horrible and it eats me up inside, I'm trying to look at the long run, and knowing that it's going to be allot of struggle and hard work to deal with the issues she has including my own. I love the girl and we relate so much, but I'm torn between doing what I have to so I don't end up at the bottom again and struggling with letting this go because I am emotional and feel weak, it's like one part of me wants to stay and ignores all the truth inside of me, making me feel sorry, lonely, abandoned, and all the other types of emotions that go along w those. I have always been weak and emotional for a guy and it just sucks I cant stick to my true feelings of knowing what the right thing to do is. Thanks for listening

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
May, 28 2014 at 10:13 am

Justin_b - We are happy to listen. Thank you so much for sharing. We hope you will continue to read and comment. ~Gabe

storify.com
May, 23 2014 at 8:06 pm

Remarquable article, pérennise de cette façon

Collins
May, 23 2014 at 4:25 pm

Hi everyone i'm Collins and i need help on getting back my ex.
We got into a fight few weeks back now and i wish she can see how sorry i am now.
I love her so much and i know she still loves me and i know she still cares, otherwise she wont be replying my text and knowing how i'm doing. But right now it seems like she is still confuse of her decision to breakup with me or give me a second chance. I need help not until i saw post of how a Dr has help a lot of people having issues like mine, though i have been hearing a lot about this spell caster and I hope that it he would be able to do something about bringing Lily back home cause i'm nobody without her.

Christopher Michael
April, 28 2014 at 7:04 am

I can relate.
I had to figure all this out by myself as well and yes it was a hell unto itself.
But I AM still here, standing stronger than I was before armed with the knowledge of and deep keen insights into people.
Liars, all of them, mostly to themselves... and we all do it to ourselves.
Know your path.
Dream your dreams and make them real.
There is somebody out there for everybody.
Find them.
Be whole and always come clean - shoot straight.
They don't jive = move on.
Just be careful - diseases kill you dead.
Trust cautiously.
Protect your investments - especially your heart.
Tolerate no trespass - and send a message.
The Right 'One" WILL find you eventually - when they are supposed to... don't force the issue.
Live your life and live right - we all know the difference.
Dump the excuses and lies.
Cheating is cheating.
Cycles repeat.
It's the thrill.
Move on.
It's obviously not right.
No winners, no losers.
Just happy shared times and life goes on.
No rights, no wrongs... just acceptance and New Days EVERY Day.
The Sun comes up, the moon goes down, life goes on... DON'T BE SCARED - OF BEING SCARED!
find the thrill in and of living again - think and plot your chances of success.
One will not succeed unless one tries.
Best of Luck to ALL of YOU out there in this great big world. It's hard, I know, please believe me, as you also know.
The best way to put it is conduct interviews for your mate so that you may better your chances of happiness. We may want somebody that just isn't right for us in the long haul. Be open, be human, be up front, be real. Don't lie. Be mature. Know when enough is enough and when it if so comes time... break apart well... but don't drag it out.
Move on.
Live.
Laugh.
Find enjoyment in life - there is something you've always wanted to do - SO DO IT!
Do not be fearful - not trying you will fail.
And don't worry if they don't feel the same.
At least you know and didn't "waste" your time - as long as you know, and learn.
Go your own way.
I AM! " )
Saint

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
April, 28 2014 at 8:09 am

Thank you for all the comments! We appreciate you all reading and commenting. You are the reason that all of us are here! :) ~Gabe

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Teresa
April, 17 2014 at 4:43 am

Hello I've been reading almost every comment here and it is good to know that we are not alone in this kind of decisions. I'm currently in an almost 2 year relationship I changed everything to be able to be with him I moved from my country and came to live to his because everything was great. But that just lasted a few months now he seems not that interested in the relationship anymore. We've talked about marriage and future but now he says he doesn't know anymore. I'm just here for him but I'm really questioning myself if I should leave him and go back to my country. This has been very hard and I'm still in the process of making a decision. My greatest fear is making the wrong decision and I guess that's why I haven't done anything. I'm a believer of making things work with love and commitment and he says everything is ok but something inside me tells me that's not right.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
April, 21 2014 at 12:07 pm

Thank you, Teresa, for reading. Decisions like these are difficult and I wish you the best in making the appropriate choice. Be Well, Gabe

TheWomanWhoHasHadEnough
April, 15 2014 at 8:07 pm

I write this with the upmost respect toward my ex even though I truly doubt he will see this, but I'm a college senior who has been through HELL and High water with a guy. I mean if you knew us you would've thought we were married. I met him when I was 17 and we worked together at a town store. He pursued me for a few years before I gave him a chance and when I finally did it felt right. We dated and I knew he was meant for me, even to this day I still know it in my heart. I just know that God is real and when you play with fire, you eventually get hurt. I (am) was a full time college student working two jobs, taking care of him and I and he was a good man readers, don't get me wrong, but the world can change a person. When I went off to college he actually got another girl pregnant. Something that truly cut deep, and even then we still found our way back toward one another. We actually ended up being together for close to 4 years. This guy was my best friend. But love doesn't hurt every day. He couldn't respect me enough to appreciate that when he had problems with his first car I compensated for the repairs, I gave him love on so many levels, I was there when he lost his job, I was there when he had absolutely nothing to his name, when the child support started increasing thousands of dollars and he couldn't afford it, he was taken away from me on several accounts, NEVER UNDERSTANDING how he made me feel, being a student, working way too many hours just to make sure I could hold on to everything we had once built and it felt like it all was getting taken away from us. Imagine being the one to hold everything down for so long and now you're slowly losing it all and you have nothing left to show for it. Times where I was sick, nose bleeds and severe fevers and pains he would leave me and disrespect me, leaving me in the house to be with other "college girls". SO MANY TIMES I have had to deal with the disrespect of his family. His mother lying, disrespecting me and him not once being man enough to stand up for me. No I wasnt his wife, but I was his best friend when he had nothing. Even when he was too stupid to believe in himself I believed in him, but one thing I learned, You have to love yourself so much more than others say or tell you that they love you. Youre first! That only changes circumstantially. Some people don't deserve you. I went back to this man on so many different occasions. He played with my life on 2 occasions where I thank God everyday because he kept me. It's crazy... because even to this day I love him but I have not one word to say as of now. How dare he belittle me? After I did all I could for him, took care of his children, as well as him, helped his family, strived to go through all of this and more and now I'm so close to graduation, it's actually 23 days away. I want him to be there because I have a hard time cutting my soul tie, but when I tell you God is awesome... He can deliver you from pain, heart break and depression. It is extremely hard, but it helps to pray and when you pray you need to have faith no matter what you're asking for. Truthfully you know if a person is meant for you... TRUST ME. Its not rocket science and it's not hard to figure out. As women we nurture our pain and give ourselves no time to heal because we dwell instead of deal. It's so much better when we love ourself. I had to look in the mirror and say it's either life or death, me or him, it's either tears or laughs and that's the honest truth. Why waist my life when all I did was do the Godly thing and love? I love(d) him so much, so good, too well. I never deserved it and if you really think about it neither did you. He didn't physically abuse me, but emotionally he did... he told me no one else wanted me and if they did only because of my body... it's not a compliment, it's a hurtful statement because I'm so much more than that and so are you. You have a heart... and as long as you have it you can find love, you can be happy, you can cry, you can rejoice and you definitely can be loved and fall in love. It is great when you stop worrying, it is better when you let things work themselves out. In my situation I still pray for him strongly, but I do not believe in any sense that he is the one any more like I used to believe.. and only he can change that. Please don't beat yourself up. FAITH OF A MUSTARD SEED CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Things change, and change is good. It's okay to let go and let God and Let yourself as well. Know that you are special, you are special, you are so special! You are the most fantastic woman on this earth and never let anyone or anything make you feel any less. EASIER DONE THAN SAID (because I truly believe in things getting easier when you believe) Just take it day by day and prayer by prayer! IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. Life is awesome you just gotta get out here and enjoy it, where make up, paint your nails, do your hair, shop, dress up, GO TO CHURCH DRESSED TO IMPRESS, get your nails done, your hair done, love yourself, date yourself, talk to God more than anyone, your purity, your love and your clean heart does come back. It'll be awesome I PROMISE YOU!

Mo
April, 14 2014 at 6:44 pm

jodi, your message has given me a small chink of hope in a very dark place. we don't deserve to be miserable and unhappy, but what if we are the cause ofthatmisery and unhappiness. if you are useless and worthless. I have felt lonely most of my life and am currently in a second damaging marriage, but can see no way out. I w ish I could find the clarity you speak of, but at this time I see myself as having made my bed I have to lie in it, miserable or not.
M

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
April, 15 2014 at 10:49 am

Hello, Mo - There is a thin line between taking responsibility for your situation and suffering needlessly. Where you are on the spectrum is for you to decide. I do know that we get one shot at this life and we all, no matter what decisions we've made in the past, deserve a healthy, hopeful, and happy future. I sincerely wish the best for you and thank you for reading and commenting. ~Gabe

Zrt
March, 27 2014 at 6:28 am

Hi, I've read through some of the posts, and I must say it is really hard to make a decision to leave.
Last night I devised to end my relationship. We have not been together for long, but our personalities are soo strong that it is impossible to enjoy each other's company. Well, I know it was the right decision, but I am overwhelmingly sad today cause I realized that I also do not have any close friends. He was my friend for this time, and I guess if it wasn't for him I would have been utterly lonely... But now I have to face the music

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 1 2014 at 1:35 pm

Hi Zrt,
Making a decision like this is, as you know, very difficult. Good for you for having the courage to consider what is right for you and to see it through. You can now start reaching out and developing new friendships. While daunting at first, you can slowly seek out people similar to you and form new connections. Good luck to you.

marie-rae
March, 8 2014 at 10:30 pm

10 months ago my partner started feel deppressed. We had a joint benefits claim, although both in study. Partner studying computer animation from home, me in college. I have 10 yr old twin girls from a previous relationship and my partner and my self have a 1 yr old boy. We've been together just over 4 years . Like i said, 10 months ago he started feeling down, he started sleeping more on sofa, on the pc all night and going out to his friends a lot... communications broke down n we argued all the time, in the first moth of all this he'd broken up with me, he was struggling. sleeping and we he did he wouldn't get up, he started staying out a lot, he had a mental breakdown, they stopped his benefits, so i started claiming alone, still going college. About a month later I foubd out he'd been cheating, all those night on pc he'd been chatting to her. even tho we had split I confronted him, he admitted everything but refused t stop seeing her. I put up with this for a month... then told him he couldn't stay if her kept seeing her, he refused, i kicked him out, he stayed at his mums one night but returned next day saying he wanted t stay here... he looks really low and ashamed so I let him.... o made him go docs t get treatment, he was pescribed antidepressants. So living on my single persons benefits, while at college and with 3 kids I let him stay. He stopped his meds 2 weeks after starting them.... he also stopped doing his course n just sat round the house:...8 months after everything went wrong we started t fix our relationship and start the forgiving proccess... which I found really hard, he gave up his moblie phone to make me feel more secure n he hardly leaves house....10 months later ... all he does is sit round house, says I'm nagging wen im tryin t motivate him and I'm still supporting him on my single benefit, while tryin to study for exams coming up at college. I'm 31 yrs old n feel bogged down by all this, he won't go doctors n says he'll deal with this his own way... I'm struggling as it is with money ... is this just his deppression... i resent him for putting me in this position.... don't know wht t do for best.... can I turn him around or do I walk away..... before all this he has always been a well motivated person and full of life. He says he's thoughly ashamed of how he's hurt me n loves me so much... he's my everything.... its 3:45am, all this keeps me up most nights, its a situation I thort we'd never be in....we were so close :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

March, 10 2014 at 1:52 pm

Hi Marie-Rae,
Jodi (the author of this post) is no longer writing the Anxiety-Schmanxiety blog so she is unable to answer comments. I'm Tanya, one of the new writers of the column. It's difficult to answer your question about whether your partner's behavior is just his depression without knowing him. It does sound like depression is definitely a factor. It is important to consider his mental health, but it is vital to consider your own mental health as well (and of course that of your children). How would you like to be treated, what relationship style would you like to model for your kids, and what would make a good life for you? The next question is how this man fits into the answers you just gave yourself. Good luck to you as you go forward.

Sharon
February, 23 2014 at 11:31 pm

I have recently ended a relationship that I kept putting off thinking things would change. It was a tough decision as I knew that there would be no way of going back. Reading this article I can see that I was accepting conditions in the relationship that I should never have accepted. Unconditional love is one thing but having to compromise on your values to give someone else all that they want is not how to have a happy and healthy relationship. I have made this mistake in both my previous relationships learning to love and respect myself first. I know now to make my boundaries clear at the beginning of a relationship and have them respected. I have a tendency to want to be liked and by doing so have let people walk all over me. But this is changing with the next relationship, I have made that promise to myself.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

February, 24 2014 at 12:11 pm

Hi Sharon,
It sounds like you are doing a lot of reflection and making changes to work toward the person you want to be and to create the types of relationships you want to have. This can be a difficult process because change can be hard, but it's very possible to grow into what you want to become. Keep at it!

julie
February, 19 2014 at 7:49 am

hi i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, i was 18 when we first got together. i have noticed that recently he isms as caring anymore, he would still call me and talk to me but not really asking about my day or show any interset at all. this isn't the 1st time we have this problem but he normally apologies and promise to fix things but this time he told me that he doesn't not see a furture in us anymore! i want to tryeeverything before we give up but i'm not sure if this is the right thing to do

Darlene
February, 11 2014 at 11:10 pm

I am in a relationsship with a man who is the most unhappiest man I have ever met. He wasn't always that way but it is starting to affect my life very much. He is so miserable. He self medicates him self with alcohol. I feel as though I can't stay with this man any more. I am a strong and positive woman,, I have had to deal with some terrible things in my life and I fought it to stay positive and to not get sick. does anyone have a comment about this. It's hard to hurt some one and hard to leave but I deserve better.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Liesl
January, 21 2016 at 6:42 pm

I am feeling the same as you did two years ago but right now, today.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Amndr
January, 22 2016 at 4:56 pm

Nobody has posted here in forever but I've been reading these comments all day. Kind of easy on me knowing someone else is reading these too haha

Joan
January, 5 2014 at 9:24 pm

Hi, I have been in a relationship fpr almost 4 year. Pretty early on in our relationship I made it clear that my goal was for us to eventually move in together. My boyfriend and I live one hour apart and mainly see eachother on the weekends. I have 2 children one in college and a 15 year old son in college. My boyfriend have a 11 year old son who lives with him part time as well as his 83 year old mother loving with him. We have seen a therapist because he appear reluctent to moving in together. The therapist suspect that my boyfriend is struggling with an anxiety disorder of some kind. Recently my boyfriend chose to stop our therapy sessions temporarily which was very upsetting to me. The therapist states that he worries about what potentially could go wrong of we live together. We are very compatible and love eachother very much but staying in a long distance relationship is very difficult for me. I have offered that my son and I relocate to live with my boyfriend this coming summer. I feel it would be a good desiscions for everybody involved. My son and I would obiously need to adjust to loving in a new city. My questions is should I encourage the my boyfriend begin anxiety medication as suggested by the therapist or should I end the relationship. I am very torn but I do not want to be to pushy. How do you know how much to encourage someone to begin medication or when to let go if the appear reluctant to begin medication? The therapist believe that his anxiety is something he is born with so this is all he knows.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 6 2014 at 10:22 am

It sounds like you care about your boyfriend a great deal. Helping a loved one through anxiety is challenging, but it's important for both of you individually as well as the quality of the relationship. You wonder about pushing him to take medication. Often times, forcing treatment on someone living with anxiety isn't helpful and can even worsen the anxiety. Simply listening, and it can take patience and support to help someone open up, can help you both understand the anxiety and the way to work through it positively.

lisa
December, 30 2013 at 8:02 am

I googled relationship advice and ended up on this feed, and it was an inspiring read, thank you..
I have been in a relationship for just over 5 years, with a very private person. I run into a lot of trust issues with how private he can be..although I'm also sure he's not hiding anything suss, he's just very bad at sharing himself. So I've whinged about a few things to my close friends and family over an extended amount of time, and now everyone is on the band wagon that I'd be better off without him. I'm sure they're sick of hearing it like Im sick of saying it... and I go from believing them and thinking I should leave.. to thinking how good he is in so many other ways.
It's much easier to tell your friends the bad bits, coz you need to vent... it's harder to sit there and say how nice it is to curl up on the couch with him etc...
Clearly I'm still in the confused stage...hoping for some clarity soon.
I loved where you wrote "We don’t know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through."

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 1 2014 at 10:38 pm

Hello, Lisa. Jodi is no longer writing the Anxiety-Schamanxiety blog, but I'm sure she'd be very pleased to know that you were inspired by her article. Relationships are complex and can be confusing. Keep paying attention to what you think and what you feel, and you'll lead yourself where you need to go.

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