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Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?

When deciding if and when to leave or end a relationship, how do we wade through the thoughts and consequences? How do you know when enough is enough?

When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.

In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.

Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship

Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.

We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.

It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.

The Ending a Relationship Decision

There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.

You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:

  • Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
  • There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
  • Get people that love you around you.
  • Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.

Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.

How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
share here: Twitter@JodiAman, Google+
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APA Reference
LCSW-R, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough



Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R

Val
says:
October, 26 2015 at 12:23 am
Hello my name is Val.,
Please don't judge me..,but I've been in a relationship with my bf for 2years goin on 3years I live him so much n care for him so much he means everything to me we have 2beautiful kids together ..,well come to find out he has a very bad drug addiction and I tried helping him stay off the streets and to stay drug free but nothing seems to work I try so hard not to break down but Hus addiction really hurts me so bad I want to end my relationship with him because as all he does is lie to me all the time n leaves me and our kids all the time to go out into the streets he says he's goin to stop using drugs and stay clean/drug free and that he's gonna change but he doesn't nothing ever changes.. he's been telling me that for the past year now I just can't go on with him anymore but then again I live him so much and want him to change and I want to stay with him for our kids but I can't keep putting myself through all this pain... HELP ME WHAT DO I DO...?!!
sa
says:
September, 14 2015 at 8:31 am
We all see a trinkle of ourselves in all the posts here. In my own case, I know the right thing to do is to leave him, after 3years of serial cheating, including with the married housemaid. With escalated physical and verbal abuse, joblessless, my 7year old from a previous marriage is a constant jealousy point. I fear that a divorce would get messy and he would become vindictive. My have a baby together n I also fear he would find a way to take her away from me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 14 2015 at 1:29 pm
Hello sa,
Seeing a trinkle of ourselves in the here is one of the powerful things about the posts and the comment sections. You captured that perfectly! It does sound like your instinct about leaving your abusive relationship is right on. But it's not easy. There may be resources in your community that can help. Many police departments (you don't have to call 911; you just go to their headquarters/office) have lists of community resources as well as helpful tips. Libraries, too, often have bulletin boards where community service groups pin flyers about themselves to help people know where to go. Other readers here might have already made comments about finding help in communities (in a way that won't get you "caught"), and perhaps some will add ideas to your comment. Stay true to yourself, your children, and your knowledge that the right thing to do is leave. You are right. There is help during this very difficult process.
Rosi
says:
September, 11 2015 at 10:10 pm
Hi,

I'm a 33yr old mother of 4 kids. I've been in a 11 year relationship with my youngest son's father. Been trying to leave him for the past 3yrs. It was a physical and verbally abusive relationship for 9yrs. He has stopped physically but he still does it verbally. Its got to the point that I'm feel like I am not able to do anything. I feel he is embarrassed of us. He doesn't take me or the kids no where. He compares to his friends wives. He be little's me in public. I want to get out so bad. I live in a city where I don't have no family. MY friends that I had were are no longer friends. He makes sure no one likes me. When the neighbors he calls me names. I feel this relationship turned me to a bitter miserable women. I cant even hold a job with out getting emotional. I know I'm not an ugly woman. But that how he makes me feel. The place that we stay at is under my name. basically everything is under my name. I want him out but when he does leave he only leaves for 3 hours come drunk banging on my windows and doors. I still let him because the neighbors are looking. I am embarrass for me and my kids. I want to call the cops but I don't have the courage. I'm not working right now I also say how I am I going to pay the bill. PLEASE can someone guide me or give me advice to better my self and get the courage to leave this person I feel like am stuck with. Thank for whom ever took there time to read my comment.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 12 2015 at 6:42 am
Hello Rosie,
Never lose sight of all of the true things you said: this is not your fault, he is the one that has isolated you -- you are worthy of friendships and will have them again, you are not ugly (I know I can't see you, but of course you aren't ugly -- and it's so good that you know that even though he makes you feel that way, it's not true), and that what he says and does is verbal and emotional abuse. While it's hard, don't stop reminding yourself of these facts. Also trust your instinct. Calling the police is the important first step. It does take courage both to call the police and to go through the difficult work of getting out of a controlling, abusive relationship (and adding alcohol to the mix compounds the problem). Both you and your children deserve the results that will come from your courage. The police will also know resources in your city for help with domestic abuse. Another path is to find an organization in your community to go to for help before contacting the police (unless he becomes physically abusive again; then call the police immediately). They can provide support and know the best procedures for getting out of this relationship. Many times, public libraries have bulletin boards that contain flyers and lists of resources. Another resource to look into right away is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (and "violence" encompasses all types of abuse, not just physical): http://www.thehotline.org/ They have 24/7 telephone support as well as a live online chat options. There is also a blog where you can read others' stories and get ideas and information -- and courage. Extracting yourself from an abusive relationship can be a difficult process, but remaining in that relationship is even more difficult and damaging (as you of course know). Good luck to you. You were strong enough to already start looking for information and reaching out here! This was an important first step on a journey to the freedom you deserve.
Ruth
says:
September, 11 2015 at 12:47 pm
I recently called a day to my 4 year relationship and I feel so awful about it. Everyday I wake up feeling worse. Is that normal? He was my everything but he let me down so many times. I moved to another city for him and we were both getting on great. He was living 2 lives. His family hated me for no apparent reason. He lied to them about me and he left me last year because of them. We fought so hard to get back to where we were and then his family said us or her again. He didn't know who to choose. I didn't want him to have to choose. I just wanted him to be happy. They caused me so much pain and he never got them told. He wants me back, he says things will be different. Someone please help me :-(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 12 2015 at 6:51 am
Hello Ruth,
Yes, it is normal to feel worse for a while after ending a relationship, especially one where outside factors play such a strong part. This breakup could actually be a very good thing. You might discover that you are happier and want to maintain a friendship with him but not a relationship. Relationships involve much more than just the person you are dating; they involve the sphere of people in his life, too. Conversely, the two of you might discover that you really do want to be together and this space will allow him to figure out what to do about his family's interference. There might just be some great insights in the other comments that have been made in this thread. You can even reply directly to the people who leave the comments, and others can reply to yours when they see it, too. Seeking input and using what feels right to you will help you sort things out.
Ruth
says:
October, 13 2015 at 9:05 am
Thank you for replying to me. So I am now a little further on - I have been up and down like a roller coaster. The feelings of sadness, anxiety and loss have engulfed me at some points. I still can't figure out what the best thing for me to do is. I have always wanted to travel but I have a good job just now with the opportunity of a promotion - I moved to this city for him (I have tried to make it my home and it has taken me 2 years to slowly move up the ladder in my job). I could move anywhere if I wanted but I love him :( He has told his family exactly how he feels about me but they want to hear it from me. The last time I spoke to his sister she was so so so horrible to me. I hate confrontation. They all hate me and all I ever wanted was to love him and be with him.I'm so scared to be in a room with him and feel like they all want to destroy us. And I know there are people who cheat and give reason to the other family not liking me but I have never ever cheated. I used to live with him and now I don't! He had never lived away from home and as soon as he moved our relationship kind of took off. so he would see me at weekends and his family would resent this. They missed him so he began to live two lives, making them think he wasn't happy so they would have a purpose to support him and being happy with me at the same time! I know its so messed up! he should have used their support to support our relationship - it's the type of people they are :( I love spending time with him and being close with him. I am so negative sometimes though because I'm the type of person who just wants answers and for everything to be ok and for people to be happy. What am I going to do? My parents have issues with him for leaving me because of them and for not sticking up to me with them. I feel they bully him into a decision sometimes. I know I could leave him and go abroad if I had to? Am I too determined in nature and feel I am failing something if I don't keep trying until it finally works? Someone tell me if I should stay and take the new job, should I stay and take the new job and try and speak to them or should I leave and work abroad for a while? Help :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

October, 13 2015 at 10:03 am
Hello Ruth,
Because they involve so many people other than just the couple, relationships are very complex and there are never easy and straightforward answers. It's frustrating! No one can tell you which direction to take because everyone is so different. One person might think it's best for you to stay but be done with the relationship, someone else might think it would be worth it to try to stay with him and repair the relationship with his family, and someone else might say that you should go abroad. Each decision would be right for the given individual. But no one can know what is best for you and who you are and what you truly want in life (the big, long-term picture). There are family/relationship counselors that are great at helping people sort out problems and create solutions. Would your boyfriend/friend be willing to see a couples counselor with you? It would be very helpful for your relationship given that he has a complex relationship with his family. If he can't or won't, you could see a counselor on your own to help you sort your own thoughts and situation. Many people find this kind of professional support to be very beneficial.
Kristina
says:
August, 29 2015 at 5:15 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months two months ago. He was much younger than me, we loved each other al of, but there was something in me that didn't trust him. He was secretive with his phone and it started to make me crazy, from there I was suspicious about everything he did. But that's not why I broke up with him.
I broke up with him because I started to hate myself in that situation. I became so worried about everything he said and did, I felt awful and couldn't sleep most of the time. I didn't ever find the smoking gun but I was always looking for it. And I realized that it made me feel out of control, anxious and crazy.
When I broke up with him I was sleep deprived and volatile, because again I suspected he was being shady- though I really didn't have proof, just a gut feeling.
I have spent sleepless nights feeling guilty over breaking up with him. I miss him. I love him. But I love myself more. I couldn't go on like that, it was embarrassing and horrible. I still don't know why I couldn't shake my suspicions, but it wasn't fair that I had them all the time, so I let him go. It hurts like hell. I hope I did the right thing.
Tracey
says:
August, 4 2015 at 8:59 am
Hi,
This article helped me out a lot. I feel that I have relationship anxiety because I have continued with an unhealthy relationship for over 2 years off and on. I am a single female involved with a married man. This relationship is very toxic to me. In beginning, I wasn't thinking and just looking for fun. Honestly, didn't know what I was getting myself into. I have tried to end this several times and somehow I allow to be pulled back in by his shenanigans and lies. And my feelings of wanting to be with someone. Its totally not his fault, I know I am to blame as well. But I want to officially end it once and for all. But my anxiety makes me feel awful about it. My anxiety is starting to make me hate myself and him. How do I get over this feeling of anxiety and hopelessness for me? Are there any other measures I can put in place to move on and be peaceful with the decision and myself?
David
says:
April, 30 2015 at 3:58 am
I Just made the liberating decision to end a 4 year relationship. I had been married for 31 years that ended due to betrayal. Before the divorce was final I met the woman I wished that I would have been with my whole life, and believed I would marry and be with the rest of my life. She made me believe that she was thinking and believing the same thing. She was separated from her husband at the time we met, and waited a little over 2 years to actually file for divorce that took over a year to be final. While I was led to believe we were going to be together and we made plans, I should have paid attention to the little things that were obvious signs this may not turn out like I had anticipated. Too long of story but what I want to say is, first of all don't ever even be friends with someone who is contemplating a divorce or even in the middle of a divorce if you are the least bit attracted to them. The Chemistry and attraction between us was unbelievable, but we believed we could do this the right way and not date, just be friends until we were free to date and maybe Marry. I ended up with a very broken heart where she chose to have Male friends (women didn't like her, her words) and particularly one who she spends allot of time with talking texting etc. They are just friends. Right!
After living 4 years with folded arms so to speak waiting on the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and going through a whole lot of frustration, worry, confusion wondering what really was going on at times only to be relieved by her words, I made the decision tonight to end it. I didn't want to believe it but her friendship with her new best friend revealed to me today he took my place in her life. I know this will be very difficult, lonely, and incredibly painful for me, and I know she will come back trying to fix us (again) but I've made up my mind. Finally! Friends and family have seen this toxic relationship and tried to warn me but I was blinded. I'm madly in Love with this woman but that will change in time allowing me to move on. The hard part is living right now. Grieving something like this has to be one of the most painful experiences I know how to describe. This has jaded me, I will have a hard time ever trusting a woman again. My gender has the reputation for cheating, I'm here to tell you the good book in Proverbs says '' A good woman is hard to find ''. It is TRUE!! In spite of this truth and Pain, I will be whole and healed and I'm excited about the future... in between the valleys of this crazy roller coaster ride. I would say to all, Keep the Faith. This too shall Pass and don't date anyone who is dealing with relationship issues of any kind. That single someone is out there. WAIT!
Shawnie
says:
April, 20 2015 at 8:28 pm
I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. The first year was perfect. The second year is when I started to see his true colors. He was drinking a lot more. Now, he drinks until he blacks out. I noticed that he is not really into me anymore but he says things to keep me holding on. I just found out that he is involved with someone at work. This explains why he can't really help out with bills. I don't know why I hold on, but after reading those messages in his phone, I think that it is best to just call it quits. I work, go to school, and I just got a promotion. I think that I can do alright by myself. It is just the fear of starting over.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 21 2015 at 3:42 pm
Hello Shawnie,
Hooray for you! Seriously. It sounds like you are willing to know his true colors and that you believe in yourself and your abilities. Keep believing in yourself and in what you want for your life. You're very right. The idea of starting over can be scary and anxiety provoking. This fear doesn't last, though, whereas the substance of a bad relationship and all of the harmful effects do last as long as you are in that relationship. Allow yourself to be afraid of the unknown, and at the same time, let go of the "known" that isn't good for you.
Beth
says:
March, 6 2015 at 6:25 am
I truly believe that it might be time to end my almost 10 year relationship with my fiancé. We have had some major issues within the last 2-3 years that I have brought to his attention and he claims that he wants to fix the relationship and rebuild it but every chance we discuss as adults and compromise he goes against his compromise and does what he wants anyways. When I then sit down to have a discussion with him about what happened and explain what he did wasn't right and respectful of me he disagrees and says he did nothing wrong. I feel that if he truly wanted to fix things he would make sacrifices like I have but I'm doubting anything and everything that he says at this point. What else can I do? Any advice?
Poppy
says:
February, 8 2015 at 12:45 pm
Hello
Poppy
says:
February, 8 2015 at 12:42 pm
It would be good to get some kind of advice. Although I think deep down I already know what needs to be done although I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I have been with my partner for 7 years. A year into our relationship, I found out he had been texting another girl for a few days and texting his ex ex gf (some texts were just genuine where as others said I miss u etc.) For some unknown reason, I decided to stay and work through it. Over the years we have had a great relationship, although little things have cropped up on Facebook etc that I have questioned. 3 months ago, I found out the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life, that he has a gambling addiction and had been lying about it the whole time we have been together, he was using our joint account to borrow money for 3 years to fund his gambling and even sent our statements to his parents house! Ever since this has happened he has been going to regular help meetings, has been open with his statements and I'm sure he hasn't gambled. I found out that he was hiding old debts from me and then a few weeks ago, I also find one of his ex girlfriends numbers on his phone saved as a blokes name! He claims it has been on there since the start of our relationship! Omg right, what the hell am I doing??? But if u knew him u would be absolutely gob smacked that has done all this. He is other than the lies such a nice person, a caring, understanding and kind partner who will do anything for me. We have had an amazing relationship together, he is so laid back, shares my interests, listens to me, wants to spend time with me, my family and friends and has been a best friend. To me he is (without the lies) the perfect partner. All his friends and my friends are shocked by his actions, it's unexpected from him. I'm worried about ending it and regretting it. And of course finding someone a lot worse. As I have been in an abusive, controlling and cheating relationship, so I'm worried about what I could have. I also can't stand the thought of him being with someone else and sharing what was meant to be our future with them! But I also feel like I don't know if I know who he is anymore and scared that he will hurt me again. He is trying so hard. I just don't want to make the wrong decision, I went through an episode of depression last year and I don't feel I'm strong enough to go through it again :(
DJB
says:
February, 5 2015 at 10:29 am
I'm a mess right now, I have been with the most loving affectionate man for the past 2 years, he was the man of my dreams, but 2 weeks ago after a row with my 12 yr old daughter he decided to leave, he said that he had felt very ill after the fight and thought he would have a heart attack, he then went to stay at his sisters for the weekend, we were still talking over that period, but he has since decided to end our relationship even though we were due to get married in August this year. I had a very stressful job and this made me progressively unwell over the last months which made me become very closed off from everyone including family and friends, I have decided that I am no longer going back to this line of work as it was draining everything in me. He said that my job has drained him and that he just doesn't know how to feel as he feels numb, he can't sleep too, but he is still going to work, I have told him that I adore him and will do whatever it takes to move forward in a more positive way with our relationship, but he is refusing to acknowledge and take ownership of any of his issues that caused problems in the relationship. He states that I will always be independent, and that this is a big problem too, I say to him that I have looked after myself for a very long time and it's hard to depend on anyone, he has a lot of debts and I dont, and I can't cope with this as I have always lived within my means, he buys me anything I want but doesn't really give me what I need which is understanding of what I have endured in my life, I think he thought he could repair all the hurt. He often told me that he would always be ther for me and would never leave me and that I now had a man that I could depend on.. But the first sign of trouble and he runs...!! Can anyone offer me advice on what to do here as I'm really struggling with so much pain and going through every emotion you can imagine..
Sue bycroft
says:
January, 21 2015 at 1:29 pm
I met my future husband at 15 - married at 18. On our honeymoon i had an argument with a horse and ended up on crutches - my husband spent the rest of our honeymoon water skiing etc with the waitresses whilst i was marooned on the beach alone. Alcohol was always a big feature in his life which over the years evolved into anger , verbal abuse and violence.
Needless to so i now suffer from severe depression. Wonder why !!
Three years ago i begged him to come to counselling with me and strangely he agreed - great i thought , maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It turned out that he spent every session telling the counsellor that it was me that drank, was abusive and mental etc etc. . One day she called us both in and said - one of you is lying - my response was - how many witnesses do you want ? - he then refused to go anymore. I continued my counselling . During this time i was diagnosed with a heart condition that i had not known about that had obviously been misdiagnosed over the
years. This resulted in me having surgery. As i came back to the ward i asked my husband for a hug - nothing- that was the moment i decided that whatever it took i was going to divorce him. He was not going to control me anymore.
By this time we had been married 41 years . No one knew what he was like at home - to everyone else he was Mr Wonderful.
I had to set about working out how and when this would happen. Putting little bits of money away when i could as a backstop.
A friend that works for a local charity one day just said she thought she knew what was happening and passed me on to the charities lawyer.
The lawyer made me finally see that there was a way out. I came home and told him that i had seen a lawyer and wanted a divorce. He just turned over and went to sleep. No emotion . He has since been diagnosed as a narcissist - no treatment will help him because he believes he has done nothing wrong ever !
That was 4 months ago. He has tried all manner of things to make my life miserable but now I will not let him, he will not give me money. Has stopped paying bills, bad mouths me .
Me - i am looking after me - i no longer have to worry what time he will be home, what mood he will be in, how much he has had to drink, what he will do.
I now walk around with my head held high and a smile on my face.
I know who my true friends are and those that are not afraid that i will steal their husbands - no chance
In a few weeks i shall be 60 - got a new hair do and i am looking forward for the first time in years.
If anyone else is or has been in a similar situation not knowing what to do, my first advice would be to tell a trusted friend what is happening in your life . They will then look at things differently and see the real truth . Above all protect yourself, surround yourself with trusted people that believe in YOU.
Lastly never give up hope xxxx. Good luck
Brad baker
says:
January, 17 2015 at 10:49 am
My gf of one year cheated on me with her ex bf . She and I had something beautiful. She's 2 months pregnant and says she doesn't want me to leave , however at this point she cannot get rid of her ex either because he's the father and everything that was supposed to be with me is now with him. She says she needs and wants me in her life . Earlier she was all over me obsessed with me and now I feel that she's changed she snaps , gets frustrated when I ask her things like what about us and our future. She says she wants everything with me but she cannot plan anything at the moment till the baby says she can't take the baby away from its father at the moment. I love her a lot I'm miserable I have stuck by her but idk if I'll be strong enough for little time with her after the baby and the whole package that comes with it . Part of me wants to hate her but a part of me will miss her terribly I cannot live with or without her

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
January, 18 2015 at 1:59 pm
Thanks for commenting. ~Gabe
Amy
says:
January, 8 2015 at 6:45 pm
Thank you for your article! It helped me be more confident in leaving my husband of 5 years. His combination of multiple illnesses make me worry about his reaction when I leave (making feel like I have to sneak out), but I still worry because I have been his caregiver for the last year. I love him enough to worry about how he will manage without me, but at the same time, he is no longer safe around our toddlers....much like a 6 year old trying to take care of babies.
sanyo small compact
says:
December, 8 2014 at 7:36 am
Good write-up. I certainly love this site. Keep it up!
Natasha
says:
December, 7 2014 at 11:10 am
I am in a loosing relationship. Because I Am Running And Taking Care Of Family Not Having A Lot Of sexual time he is engaging in cyber sex with someone else ... I feel like I am just done ...I am afraid of being alone but won't so this anymore ..my happiness means so much more....
VP
says:
December, 5 2014 at 5:02 pm
I really don't know where to start. I met my husband 10 years ago online. He was young and I am from a different country. We were talking for 3 1/2 years and then decided to meet up. He visited me twice in a year and spent 2 weeks each time. I know I love him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...and at that time, I know he did too. We were happy even with almost no money at all. It was never an issue to us. Then came the fact that we have to relocate and moving back to his hometown after his service. I was pregnant with our 1st child. When our baby was 6 months old I found numerous calls to this date line hotline. Apparently he has been doing it for quite sometime. I forgave him and moved on. Then came the internet searches on "paid services"... forgave him and moved on. But I learned my lessons and became more vigilant with him. Then he lost his job in the beginning of last year, he spent so much time in the computer and we were just about to have another child. He would stay up on wee hours and when I ask he said he cannot sleep. We are happy when we are together. I am moody and sometimes always exhausted at the end of the day. I know he has his needs and I try to fulfill it. But I guess it was never enough. Just yesterday, I found out he has been having an online relationship with a woman in Indonesia for more than a year and it has been getting serious. He said he was inlove with this person and that was the most shocking thing. There was no indication what he has been doing ...or maybe I was too naive to trust him. We are happy..he's there with us. But he has been talking to this person right in front of us every single day. I wanted to leave so bad, but I have no one. My mother passed away in 2012 and so as his...I live here in the United States since being married to him and devoted my life raising our family and took the responsibility to stay home.I could not get a job after 5 years. I have been trying to get back on my feet. And now the situation calls for me to decide what I will do with my marriage. It's obviously does not want to end anything with her except now that I found out. He wanted his family together and told me he wanted another chance. What should I do?
Veronica
says:
November, 26 2014 at 3:42 am
Dating and flirting websites led to my current situation. I've been w/ my BF for almost 3 yrs. We have a 1 yr old and he's been the only father my 4 yr old has ever known. I never doubted his loyalty until I caught him on badoo.com and saw emails answering or advertising himself on Craigslist. I broke up with him after the second time. We went through a miscarriage together. I got pregnant again while were broken up. Eventually we got back together. Things were fine until recently he's been showing a new female friend a lot more attention than me. He gets upset I have trust issues but i never did before until he kept breaking my heart (porn,flirting,FB). So now I've asked him if he's willing to work on fixing and changing our relationship. He says he doesn't know. He barely talked to me the last week even though I've been pouring my heart out but he won't tell me it's over when I've asked what are we doing. He only tells me he's mad at me but I have no idea what for. He's been taking the car & leaving me with the kids. Am I naive to think he isn't cheating? Or wants out just doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's finding ways to push me over the edge. Writing this out I see how STUPID I must look staying with him. I get hit on all the time. Told I'm beautiful by everyone but can't remember the last time he's told me.i don't know. I just know I am in A LOT OF PAIN
Miss confused
says:
November, 16 2014 at 7:33 pm
After taking my time and reading all the comments on here, I just feel like I'm more confused.
I am only 18 and really shouldn't be feeling this way! I'd rather be with friends and enjoy my time. So I've been with my current boyfriends for 2 years now, but I've known him since I was 14 years old. We started of as friends and since we're in different countries we didn't meet that often, but we started speaking again and it's quite serious between us now. He proposed to me and I said yes, I have introduced him to my family and although they didn't like him they said yes because they saw how much in love I am with him. He has had a bad past with drinking problems and family problems which he didn't tell me about until 7 months into the relationship and even then he wouldn't admit until I showed him proof. He said he's sorry and that he has now moved on, he promised never to do it again. Only 5 months later he went back to drinking and clubbing, when I did ask him about it he got angry with me and started questioning how I could ever believe such a thing about him ( he lied to me as we were talking on the phone keeping in mind it's a long distance relationship) I don't trust him at all and every time he doesn't pick up I think he's up to something bad or that he's cheating. When I ask him about it he gets angry at me. And whenever thins are bad between us it's mostly me who try and put things into place. We are planning to get married this January, but I'm now questioning whether I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy whom I do not trust. I have trust issues, but I have never in my life felt so miserable or sad. There's so many mixed feelings in this and I just don't know what to do.
Louise
says:
November, 16 2014 at 5:51 pm
I left my home and friends to relocate and find myself very unsettled. I'm also with somebody who I've been with for 10 years. We are not married and have no kids. There is a 15 year age gap and in his mid 40s. When we got together we had a laugh but over time I find myself wishing to feel that spark of excitement. Unfortunately I don't think I ever felt it, more at the expense of being comfortable. We have never been overly physical like teenagers wanting 2 rip each other clothes off. I now feel since I left my home city to move 3 hours away we have nothing g in common and I have no desire to plan anything or get excited about spending time together. He is a lovely man but we are more like friends than bf and gf. I know he wants kids and I am doubtful. I think there is a biger world out there. I worry that I will be looking for someone else and if I leave my bf will be heartbroken. I want to end the relationship as kind as possible but I have little courage and get upset when I start to talk. This is wearing me down ad he has said I am not myself at all.
rob
says:
November, 1 2014 at 6:26 am
I don't know which one of us is more in the wrong. I forget everything she asks me to do, sometimes I don't look at her when she speaks to me, or don't answer her because I start to do what she has asked me to do. She calls me names, yells at me in front of the kids and is always asking what I am doing now if I try to grab 10 minutes to myself.

She works damn hard but her life is the kids and I often feel relegated to third place. We don't sleep in the same room anymore and as we recently bought a sofa bed it is unlikely that this will change anytime soon. I only laugh when I am with friends or family.

I rarely look forward to Friday.

I have no worries about the breakup conversation with my wife, but I see my little girls' faces in my mind when I tell them what is going on. The eldest has just written "my daddy is my hero" but I just don't feel like one. I feel like what I was has been lessened somehow. I feel selfish for thinking that, when my kids are here, smiling and laughing with me, every day. I just don't know what to do for the best.
JG
says:
August, 29 2014 at 11:52 pm
Im on the internet googling whether or not I should leave the relationship Im in. If I step outside myself, doing that alone should be enough for me to know that I shouldnt be in this relationship any longer, but Im torn emotionally and physically, and could use some solid advice. Here is some background info...
Me: 34, wanting to find the right woman, get married and have kids. Ive been through the ringer in my lifetime, from an emotionally unsupportive childhood all the way through relationships that failed despite my sacrificing myself beyond the point of being confused at who I was anymore. I like to debate calmly (not argue or shout), I speak my mind about my emotions when I feel comfortable doing so, but I can be a very sensitive, defensive person when it comes to the words that are used between two people. Ive done more than my fair share of drugs, sleeping around, and other dangerous activities, but most of that is in my past. Ive been a cheater and been cheated on, so Im fully aware how someones actions or words can affect someone else's feelings. I dont trust many people, but the one's I do trust I really care for. I was born and raised catholic, but started doubting the methods and mumbo-jumbo bullshit by 3rd grade. Distanced myself from organized religion ever since.
Her: 27, smart when she puts her mind to something, beautiful, wants to get married and have kids as well. She had a broken childhood on a different level than I, growing up with an alcoholic father. She becomes frantically aggravated when debating or arguing, talks in circles whenever I try to explain that she is the one who causes unnecessary drama in the relationship, always spinning the truth to pin something on me or bring up my faults instead of acknowledging her own. She smokes weed on a regular basis, knows very well that I think her actions are childish and emotionally immature, and does nothing to curb them. She considers herself to be religious (christian) but really only relies on it selectively, when it fits her or she wants to avoid facing her own personal-growth challenges head-on. She expects me to read her mind half the time, and the other time she will say something but mean something else.
Im not trying to portray her in a negative light, she is a kind hearted person who I think is just emotionally immature just as much as I can be emotionally insecure at times. What Im trying to figure out is, why the hell do I keep going back to her? Ive broken up with her, she has broken up with me, both a few times in the past 2yrs, yet we inevitably end up in each other's arms days or weeks later, both acknowledging where we were at fault, and hoping it doesnt happen again. It feels like the most emotionally inconsistent, abusive relationship I have ever been in, yet I cant leave it alone. I keep believing that she will "grow up" emotionally, see how her words and actions hurt other people, and it just doesnt happen. Im to the point that I distance myself from her just to try and recover from her insensitive yelling for several hours, if not a day or two, which of course leads to her screaming at me and demanding times and answers to discuss how "I" was wrong for asking a question or not saying something she wanted to hear at the moment. She will literally stare at me and tell me I should say something nice about "us" to her, after she has unnecessarily yelled at me over some bullsh*t thing that couldve been discussed calmly. She will try her hardest to make me feel like less of a person for not comforting her after I lose my patience with her AFTER she berates me for something.
Im quickly losing my patience, with not feeling consistently secure for more than 4 days at a time. Maybe I should be more open amd talk about my feelings more with her, but can anyone blame me for being afraid to? Bringing up my feelings to her feels like throwing lit matches at dynamite...odds are sh*ts gonna blow up, and not in my favor.
My age (34) has me scared that I wont find another woman as young or pretty to marry and have 2-3 kids with. Im ok with examining my actions and seeing where I might have gone wrong with things here and there, its all part of personal growth and maturing, but this girl has me second-guessing who I even am at times. I really dont know what to do anymore. Our good times are good (but Im always wary of when the next sh*tstorm will hit) and our bad times are hell. I want the strength and motivation to move on, but Im just not finding it anywhere other than my anger towards how she treats me, which eventually subsides, and I find myself lonely, and back where I was before.
Does anyone have any sort of insight or words of motivation? I dont want to give up and be single for the rest of my life, and I dont want to settle for an emotionally abusive relationship because Im afraid thats all that is available to me at this point. Do I make further adjustments and sacrifices without reciprocation, or should I just run for the hills? Please feel free to email me n130406@gmail.com

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

rob
says:
November, 1 2014 at 6:48 am
My boss found a new woman, 18 months later they are both still in love and are looking at buying a house together. He is in his 50s. There will be time. We had our first child when I was 34.
vicktoria
says:
August, 12 2014 at 7:05 pm
My parnter and i are going on 10yrs. Have 3 children under the agr of 7. The past 2yrs have been very difficult. He started drinking but was nerver been dissrespectful till the last year. He has been pulling away from the family. Going out somtimes not coming home.there is no more trust. Theres always pain.he will say sorry but the next day or three it is the same thing over again. To be honest its killing me. I love this man but im getting to the point that i want to go but cant. I have the fear that durgs are involve. He is the bread winner im house wife (classic and pathic) the one time that i was perpared to to leave him my 7 year old jumped outof the moving car yelling at why was i doing this. The whole time my partner was on the street crying that he would change amke the situation worse....when we all clamed down my parenter asked me what was i going to do. No place to go, no money, how was i going to do anything with the kids. Made me feel at my lowest to realizen, How was I going to do it on my own? The lonlyness. The pain. Most of all realizing that maybe he never really koved me. So i stayed. Here i am 2months after that horrible situtation crying agagain for the 6 time this week in the bathroom so the kids wont see. And he is out with friends cause he has more important things ti do then to spen time with us. My piont to all this is how not when, but how?
sarah
says:
July, 29 2014 at 2:47 pm
So ive been in my marriage now for 7 years. I have to kids with this man, i have been unfaithful, for reasons of uncertainty. I do love my husband but im not sure if im in love with him. I feel like he menipulates me. I have opened up with him and told him the truth about me cheating. He was more rational than i thought he would have been. There is a 26 year age difference between the two of us. I am 25 and he is now 51. I feel like ive married my father. He treats me like a child and controls every aspect of my life. I have told him i want a divorce and ecery time he begs me not to leave him. He works up tears amd then proceeds to tell my son that i dont love his dad and that i want to take my kids from him. So that makes me feel bad and so i stay. Ive went and got divorce papers and he found them and then he snuck my kids birth certificates so he could take my kids from me. I have a full time job ,i dont make much money but i am able to provide my kids with whatever they need. He doesnt trust me which i dont blame him but when it comes to me leaving the house he always has to go with me. Even if its down the street to the store. I cant go grocery shopping or even walmart with out him. Not even to my own mothers house. Im at my wits end and i can't take it anymore. What do i do. I need help.
Ken in CT
says:
July, 21 2014 at 9:58 am
I'm a 56 y/o man living in CT, and have been married for 25 years (2 previous marriages - I left both). My wife has always been lazy - not wanting to work for her keep. Over the years things have deteriorated to where she no longer cleans and hardly ever cooks (On-Cor is NOT cooking - I can heat a can of beans myself!) We haven't had sex in about 5 years. She blames it on her health, but REFUSES to do anything to improve that. (Diagnosed with COPD 6 years ago - still smokes 1-1/2 packs a day.) However, she NEEDS me to buy all kinds of things for her - cigarettes, medication, personal items, etc. We are now in foreclosure because of her financial dependence. Having walked away from 2 previous marriages that we not satisfactory for me, I'm in no rush to do it again. So the question remains...when is enough enough?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
July, 21 2014 at 12:43 pm
Thank you all for writing in! It is much appreciated! :)
Jessica Duyag
says:
July, 18 2014 at 10:47 pm
i hope i can apply it to myself. till the day i can say that im ready to fall in love again
Jessica Duyag
says:
July, 18 2014 at 10:39 pm
5 hope sooner or later i can move on and forget the past. Till the day im ready to fall inlove again
Krystal
says:
July, 10 2014 at 6:47 am
Hi ive been in a relationship with my paryner for almost 4years we have 2 children. Latley i have been feeling so down and angry nd start thinkong things. I dont know what ro do. Wen were happy were happy as but latley we have just been argueing and fighting sooo much he puts me down alot and says im useless and dumb and a cunt a bitchh sorry for my language and it hurts and makes me feel worse i love him and he does.me sometimes hed apologise and says he jst said tht bcoz he was angry. Im usually the happiest person yud ever meet but lately ive been sooo down hes only jst started helping me with our 2yr old and our 4month old. He expects me to have food cooked for him the house spotless clothes washed plus do both of our kids its hard doing things on my own and having no support from family or friends as we live in a new country now so i have no one. Im 21yrs old. He has hit me a few times he has an anger issue due to growing up around his father being this way i dont know what to so coz i do love him but lately it just hurts my heart sooo bad i feel like im starting to close myself off and hoing into a depressed stat ive trief for so long to make things work in our relationship.bt now feel like giving up plz help i dnt know what to do. He hasnt hit me again but still wen angry puts me down

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
July, 10 2014 at 10:39 am
Thank you for reading and commenting. Please take care of yourself, and your children. Violence is never OK. He has no right to hit you. Please consider contacting the domestic violence hotline at: 1-800-799-7233.
Sac Lady
says:
July, 4 2014 at 10:13 pm
I've been separated for 4-1/2 years and finalizing my divorce. Had dated a divorced guy for over 2 years when this year he went on 2 vacations with his ex-wife and grown daughters--sharing the same hotel room/bed. He said it was for the sake of the "kids."
He also said he hadn't decided on pursuing a serious relationship.
I thought we had feelings for each other--but the vacation situation made me very insecure. My intuition says he still has emotional attachments to the ex. What's more, I never got to meet his extended family or his daughters. I knew it was enough when the hurt feelings bothered me everyday. I decided it's time to step away & he can figure out his exact ties with his ex-wife--I told him as much.We both experienced sadness but his indecision was itself a decision for both of us.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
July, 6 2014 at 12:14 pm
Thank you for reading and commenting. It is much appreciated. ~Gabe
Julie B.
says:
July, 2 2014 at 9:13 am
I'm so glad I found this. It has been 2 months since I left my boyfriend of 3 years. We fought constantly, he made me cry a lot (and would just get mad for me crying), he was emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still miss him so much and want to go back. I thought I was making the right decision at the time, but it just hurts so much that I don't know anymore. I almost wish I never did leave. (Everyone is glad I did though). It just don't know if I will ever get over him. It makes me feel better to read other stories though to know I'm not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ken in CT
says:
July, 21 2014 at 10:03 am
Julie B...the best cure for an old love is a new love!!!
C-
says:
June, 28 2014 at 7:56 am
My bf and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. He was great when we first started dating but now it's getting rocky. We didn't fight at first, but it's getting more constant. I was into going to the local pubs and bars for the first year with him, then I just seemed to go through a phase. I grew out if drinking but he continued to just hit the liquor. It's getting to the point where it's out of control and he is hiding it from me. He stays at a coworkers hour after work, whom drinks too , and then comes home smelling of booze. I'm fed up and wanting to leave everyday. I'm scared because I don't know what to do once I leave. I saw my dr because I feel like I'm losing control and he told me to take care of the situation. How do I leave?!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
June, 29 2014 at 11:06 am
Thank you for reading and commenting. Choosing to leave and making a plan to leave are very difficult things. I know that it will be hard but if you are miserable in the present, then moving on will allow you a chance at making a happier future. Be well, Gabe
Casey Becker
says:
June, 23 2014 at 11:57 am
I am in a similar situation right now. I am with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and quit honestly I am very unhappy. When we first started dating he came across as an extremely nice, and caring person. As the months progressed his true side started to show. He's insecure, petty, immature, and just all around shitty towards other people. He lacks a lot of compassion for others and he is very, very selfish. Now don't get me wrong...I am not perfect! I do have flaws but I noticed that all my flaws became a daily thing for me after being with this guy. I find that I have turned into an extremely negative person. The funny thing is....he says that I'm naturally negative and I'm the one that brings him down.

I do love him but I do not know what to do anymore. Any advise guys? (I haven't even typed half the story here so if you need more information about my situation to give me some solid advice I'll be more than happy to post more. I am being as honest as possible because I really do need some sound advice at this point).

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
June, 24 2014 at 10:05 am
Thank you Casey for reading & commenting. The original author is no longer with HealthyPlace, just as an FYI. THank you! :)
A~
says:
June, 6 2014 at 1:52 am
I read most of these posts and silently cheered for everyone taking a positive action in their lives.

But what if there are kids involved? My marriage was over before it began but I stayed and now we have two young children. My husband takes no interest in them and only ever yells at my toddler. When he's home, he stays in our room or walks around with headphones on, distracted. He doesn't help around the house and always has an excuse for why he isn't. He's very selfish, irresponsible, spends money on material things before worrying about bills and necessities. He goes out with friends all the time for hours on end and never lets me know what's going on, even though I've asked. I never go out and if I do, he has to be there. If his behavior upsets me and I bring it up he always knows how to spin it to make me feel bad. He won't seek counseling with me, which was one of the agreements we made when he came back from a few months separation. I feel guilty saying that I was happier apart from him. But I want to do what's best for my girls and felt bad that they didn't see him as much so I took him back. My husband is happy settling in this marriage, and why wouldn't he be when he does whatever he damn well pleases. That and he can't live without a relationship.

I just don't want to compromise the happiness of my children. But in the process, I'm miserable.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabe Howard
says:
June, 6 2014 at 9:19 am
Hello A~

Thank you for reading and commenting. Children certainly do add another wrinkle to an already complicated situation. In general children are very perceptive and if the parents are miserable, they tend to be miserable. Nothing in life is easy but it is something to consider. Divorced parents that are HAPPY may be better than married parents that are UNHAPPY.
brown eyes
says:
June, 5 2014 at 3:39 pm
I am 32 years. I Have been with my husband for almost 12 years. He has cheated on me blatantly 7 years ago by having the affair in our home while I was gone. He is 45 years old. I thought maybe it was a midlife crisis that requires time and patience. I decided to stay with him. Recently I left for almost 6 months and while not having sex I was shown physical contact by another guy. I just wanted to be held as my husband had not shown me any intimacy for atleast 6 months. Now I go and do this. I feel we are done. I think he will never forgive me. Also he has me leave the house for 3-4 hrs. I can't just go into another room and remain quiet. And he had an affair on his first wife. Is this marriage done. Plus over the phone he said he has lost some love for me. And right before I left for 5 months he said he's not happy. What should I do. I feel as if I am stifled and I want to make the right decision for both of us. Please help me!

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