I Am Crazy: Dissociative Identity Disorder Makes Me Say It
I am crazy. I am a fraud. I wanted to understand dissociative identity disorder (DID) because I wanted to understand myself. I didn't like it, though, all this multiple personalities crap that made me feel out of control. So I changed it. I made DID okay. Hard, but okay.
I made myself look sane ... on paper, anyway. But I am not sane. I am crazy. I try so hard and fool a lot of people. And the sickest part is that I still believe I'm right.
I still believe that DID is an extreme amplification of what everyone experiences. I still believe there aren't any people in my head, that they're just me, just dissociated aspects of one identity.
But there are people in my head. I slip and say "we" sometimes. Rarely. But sometimes. There are people in my head and that in and of itself isn't crazy.
But I am crazy. And that makes me a fraud.
Gray, H. (2012, August 14). I Am Crazy: Dissociative Identity Disorder Makes Me Say It, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, July 27 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2012/08/i-am-crazy
Author: Holly Gray
Thank you for writing this.
It's hitting exactly the right nerve right now, and triggering exactly the right kind of cry. I'm so sorry you feel like a fraud. I love you.
I almost wish I could publish what you said, on my blog, word for word, because I could almost have written exactly the same thing.
Hi. I'm crazy. Not like, "everyone says that at some point; you're really probably not crazy."
No. I really am. Normal people -- even normal crazy people -- don't BECOME their 3yo self (or 6yo self, or 7yo self...) and then have to try to function as a 36 year old. See? I told you. This is crazy. I am crazy.
There are other "me"s, too, and I freaking love that indirect reference to #metoo, because yeah. That's where all this crazy was created. Anyway. I like to think of all these "me"s as parts of the whole. I like to imagine that if I make friends with all of them, they can integrate and there can be just ME someday. But. Um. Not seeing a lot of supporting evidence of that in literature or anything... My only reason to hold to that is the way I've seen integration happening through therapy, without my even knowing there was DID and what we were doing.
This is hard. I've been doing this for half my life... "known" this kind of thing could/did happen with me for almost 4 years... and only fully recognized it clearly for about 2 days. Heaven help me!
I don't doubt the sincerity of what you're writing about one bit, however I have to say that I'm 58, was diagnosed after many years of psychiatric/psychological evaluation with DID and still can't tell you why.
What I mean is, yes, I know something isn't right about me, but I have never known ANY of my others.
I miss you. I miss knowing there was an articulate person out there who understood the missing places in my life. You have a knack for making me (and lots of others) not feel so alone.
I wish you peace.
why are there no more posts since 2012? is holly ok?
Ms Gray -
I suppose it is unlikely any comment I leave now will ever get to you, I'm sorry. After a very difficult six months, your blog has been a little spot of quiet, sense-making, that I am very grateful for. When I see that you left in circumstances of collapse, I recognize that - I've left so many little communities of support and love in uncertain circumstances.
So, I don't know, I suppose it does no good, but one can only do what one can do. I hope you're okay, Ms. Grey. I hope you're finding somewhere more stable, and I'm sorry you had to feel like this. I understand. I hope you are alright.
Holly, I have really only been reading your blog for a few minutes, so I'm not gonna pretend to understand what you're going though. However, I am in a relationship with someone who is living with DID. She's seemed to be able to cope with it decently. The hardest part, I'd say, is when her emotions turn south and she takes it out on herself. And while I haven't really been in it long enough to give advice.. I'm actually in the stage of looking for some... But you need to know that you're not the way you are by choice. It was forced upon you by something. And when you let yourself fall apart (while it may be healthy to let it all out) you're also letting whatever that was win.
"I still believe that Dissociative Identity Disorder is an extreme amplification of what everyone experiences."
Sound right to me.
"i always wonder if “real” people feel that way, too."
Yes, I do.
Well it sure as hell feels crazy. I agree with so many of the posts I have found here and love how insightful you are... I too blog because I found little of use anywhere to explain what I was feeling.
I didn't want to allow this separation of personalities...or even acknowledge their existence but at times I have found it impossible to ignore.
There is a problem with perceptions and reality that I am working on right now, how to explain them without alienating the people that I wish to reach.
You are light and not preachy and don't seem to come from a place of superiority. Would love to kick this stuff around with you and see if you think anything I believe makes sense...maybe we could work together to make DID less a freak show and more understandable and believable not just for the general public, but for those experiencing it as well.
Hi Holly... I've just discovered your blog. On this entry, I see you're not yourself. Whatever that means right...
I hope that person got put back in the closet of your mind, I have a person like that in my head too. You just showed me what always happens and why life is so hard for us who have this disorder. Everything can be going smoothly, then "something comes over us" and everything gets destroyed. I don't know where your story continues, but I hope it does. Your blog has been a lot of help for me.
Hi everyone... I'm not sure why Holly hasn't posted her new blog here, but I found her here: http://dontcallmesybil.com/
I am thinking of you today and sending you a big squeeze, and a chat over a cup of hot tea.
I just ordered the movie Sybil (with Sally Fields) so I can watch the final scene over and over. For many years, I tried to determine if I was like her because I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now I know, and now I can relate to the tenderness with which she accepts each child as they present themselves to her in the park with Dr. Wilbur.
Miriam has finally made herself known to me, or rather, I have finally recognized her in me, and now I can heal the trauma she presented to me when I was a young child, too immature to know how to help her then. All they really ask is to be recognized and loved and cared about. Isn't that what we all want?
I know it's rough for you now, but I know that when you've unveiled those things that frighten you, you will know more than you can now imagine...for you will know yourself...all of yourself...and then you will know God. It takes great strength and courage to surrender to Goodness. You have what it takes. Few do. Go the distance. Win your self...your soul.
Many blessings on your journey. My heart and strength are with you.
Holly, where have you gone? We need you. I find your comments and explanations to be the most helpful ever! I can tell you know what you're talking about. My therapist is very inexperienced. I am in a panic looking for ways to help myself! Holly, you're not a fraud. I don't know what happened to put you in this place where you think you are crazy. But I know I have joined DID forums, read books, done art... But still I am in a bad way! When I come here and listen to you and read your blogs, I start to calm down! Please come back.
It was nice to hear other people struggle with this flip flopping of acceptance and looking at it as more extreme version of "normal" I have been having such a hard time with this. The other day I realized that those mentioned parts do exist each in their own feeling and sense of being. I have come to realize that some of the confusion I experience is because some things that make sense now didn’t earlier on, and when I look at them together I just don’t see where the changes occurred and I have a hard time differentiating the two in time. Does that sound about right to anyone else?
The other thing I am having problems understnding is why if alters are so seperate, am I aware of their presence? It seems like it shoild be an easy answer, but it is what keeps me confused.
I like this blog site. It is not so far fetched that I feel like I don't belong here. That is the other problem I have. Some of the stuff I read and hear is really, really clearly MPD. But I don't feel that way. I don't go by other names like some. I just have very different and sometimes opposing perceptions of things. I know they change. I know that the others exist. I know I can't seem to do anything about it when it happens. Is there anyone who can help with some clarity here, please?
I've followed your posts for some time and you've been my guide. I hope that you will continue to write, blog or video tape for "us" out here trying to cope as you have. Please contact. Let us know you are okay. Very few have the ability to articulate as well as you do.
I've never tweeted, so I'm nervous about writing...but I must. I just discovered your blog...I've never blogged...didn't know why people did..but I watched Marigold Hotel 4 times, so I'm feeling brave!
I have to tell you how much I value what you say...how clear you are about your insight...how much I admire your courage to witness to your struggles...and your love for all of us (!) who benefit so deeply from your sharing. For 30 years, I've struggled to understand...much insight into my beloved ones within has come through reading what others have discovered through their own struggle and research. I think all we can really do is love ourselves...each and every one.
I want to share with you something I've discovered: my selves are really me...from past lives...and the trauma experienced in those lives manifested in this life in the form of flashbacks. It began in early childhood, and the impact was deadening. I discovered the book Children's Past Lives: How Past Lives Affect Them...I highly recommend it. One of your videos talks about feelings being real...another talks about the fact that we didn't have to experience a traumatic event for DID to appear. EXACTLY!
You see...you do know!! You're on the right track! You're courageous beyond most people's comprehension...you are strong and you are brilliant! I love you, sweet Holly! And I thank you from my soul for sharing your soul!!
Just reaching out to see if you are O.K.
Please come back...we miss you
Where are you? Why can't I get on your blog (don't call me sybil)? I miss you and reading your musings. DID is hard. Often we are not in control. But what's so great about being in control all the time? No one is always in control. And what the hell is normal? Life would be boring if we were always in control and normal. Get out of bed. Get out of your head. Start writing. Please
Holly, you are not crazy and you are not a fraud! You just want to move through life with purpose, honour and certainty. But DID can rob us at times of our certainty in ourselves and it really scares us when this happens. So your honesty and genuineness propels you to express these fears here with us.
Anyone who has read your blog for any length of time can tell you are Not Crazy, but a thoughtful and intelligent woman. Perhaps at the moment you feel out of control. I've been there and it creates a lot of fear inside. For what it's worth, I want you to know your blog has helped me through some hard times, and you have always come across as a woman of strength who always finds a way to pick herself up and keep going.
You are a great mum as well and you will find the reserves to pick yourself up again.
Remember we know you're human, you get to fall at times too. That's the beauty of this type of forum, we can all support each other, not just you always carrying us.
I think I understand this perfectly. I'm not sure why, as it makes little sense to most people, I'm sure... Yet somewhere inside I know exactly why this makes sense to me.
If that makes any sense.
Reading through posts that describe DID experience I often wonder that a site or blog to collect and synthesize our experiences would be helpful. A research to confirm what we know of ourselves. The common themes such as "perception of our swithching". I know very little research exists that is current, relevant, and helpful exists. why not make it ourselves...we obviously share enough smarts and the need is impressive. THoughts?
Hi Holly, I continue to struggle like you with my own perceptions of who I am. One minute I too believe my DID is just an exaggeration of normal dissociation which all people experience at some time, and that the alters inside me are just compartmentalized parts of me, therefore me. Then the revolving door in my mind that is constantly spinning, turns the table to my opposing thoughts that tell me that they are not me, but individuals who have the right to be recognized as such. People who act and think in ways I just don't, and I am doing them a huge injustice by not acknowledging their innate individuality. I am told by my therapist that they are parts of me I have sequestered off, but I experience them as separate. So when I switch and Michael is present for example, nothing on this earth will convince him he is not a totally different person to me.
To be honest I get really tired of my flip flopping regarding my own precepts of myself. Why can't I just have one perception and stick with that.
No way would a fraud post this Holly. It's ok not to have all the answers. It's shit to feel out of control but, it is what it is, and all of us humans struggle to find the language that fits us...plus, like, you're posting on a mental health blog. It's not like you're saying to the world that everything is peachy. Thinking of you. x
while i love reading all your thoughts, this one makes the most sense to me. i feel, always, like a fraud. i seem sane enough on the outside--have a good job, friends, make choices like a sensible gal--but the people on the inside are always there. they run away for days, buy less-than-sensible things, tick off people no sensible person would go near. but still i look pretty good from 6 feet out and can convince myself that i'm fairly garden-variety sane most of the time. not mpd, not did, just forgetful and mildly eccentric. i feel like neither fish nor fowl. just a fraud. i always wonder if "real" people feel that way, too.
I think they do, jd. I think real people feel that way, too.
You sound like a very brave person, on paper i doubt very much if anyone is sane. I am or so i believe, but if everyone exposed everything that they thought all of the time how many people would be actually diagnosed as normal (whatever that is). I find that people with certificates saying "sane" are the ones to watch.
Dearest Holly, I can't even imagine what it is to suffer of DID or how difficult it must be to live with it. One thing I know, is you are NOT a fraud. You are a beautiful person that I truly admire and respect. Lots of love, Patricia