Low Self-Esteem and Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder
I have low self-esteem and schizophrenia (schizoaffective disorder). Unfortunately, I often feel very low self-esteem. I don’t know if it’s because of my schizoaffective disorder, but the schizoaffective disorder sure doesn’t help.
How Self-Esteem and Schizophrenia Are Connected
I Don’t Trust My Schizoaffective Mind
I feel I can’t trust my own mind. I’d say that’s a pretty good trigger for low self-esteem. I’m constantly second-guessing myself and calling up people in the middle of their busy days to ask them if it’s okay that I did something, such as hanging a coat damp with snow across the back of a chair near the radiator to dry. Would I start a fire? Did I do this right? It’s always about really basic, simple things, too: whether I took out the garbage “right” or whether I cleaned up a mess in my apartment “right.”
Most people would say there’s no wrong or right way to clean a spill or take out the garbage, but I find things and fixate on them. For example, should I have tied the knot on the garbage bag tighter? My brain focuses on the minute details to the point where reality is distorted.
I Am Too Hard on Myself
Unfortunately, I also have really low self-esteem about this blog. I hate to admit that to you. It’s just that I care about it so much and I care about helping the people who read it and I want to make it perfect. And, well, nobody’s perfect. I’m constantly getting positive feedback from readers about what a good job I’m doing to zero-in on troubling issues they face too. But I still feel really anxious and insecure about my work.
My friends and family are always telling me I’m too conscientious and too hard on myself. Again, I don’t know if this comes from having schizoaffective disorder. When people tell me this, though, it tends to go in one ear and out the other. Maybe I should start paying attention.
Part of me does pay attention, but I worry that if I stop being so tough on myself about this blog or about any other thing, I won’t be driven to do it as well as I do. Okay, this doesn’t make sense, either. I know that I do my best work when I am relaxed, open, and receptive. And it’s well-known that people perform better when they have confidence.
My therapist recently suggested I talk to myself like I’m my own best friend. A best friend would definitely not say the things I say to myself. Sometimes the things I say to myself work me up into such a frenzy that I hear schizoaffective voices. (Stress brings on the voices.) When I find myself engaging in this kind of negative self-talk, I sometimes ask myself, “Is this worth hearing voices over?” It never is.
Caudy, E. (2018, January 18). Low Self-Esteem and Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, July 14 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/creativeschizophrenia/2018/01/schizophrenia-schizoaffective-disorder-and-low-self-esteem
Author: Elizabeth Caudy
Hey man thank you for this You did a really good job expressing what its like to think the way we do I often worry about handling things perfectly specifically social situations. I can make just going home and relaxing into an obstacle i think things like well what if someone bullys me or what if people dont want me to be happy and relax etc etc usually its based on the belief that people read my thoughts but they dont though. Please dont add that to ur bag of schizoaffective tendencys but yea its rough and all i can do is tell myself they dont its hard when your perception is so confusing and your always mixed up about whats going on and what you should do. Again, Thank you and best wishes :) , Levi.
Thank you for this comment, I really appreciate it!
This was an amazing blog. Keepup the good work