Depression Can Drain You Of Your Will To Live

March 16, 2014 Liana M. Scott

When depression drains you of your will to live, there's one key thought that can save your life. Don't know what it is? Learn how to stop the drain. Read this.

Depression can drain you of a lot of things: motivation, self-esteem, focus, decisiveness. The list is long (Why Live When You Feel Like Dying?). The very worst of these is when depression drains you of your will to live. I know. I've been there.

Depression Drained My Will to Live

I think about that day a lot, less than two years ago, when I almost killed myself. I sometimes wonder if I would have gone through with it. How much lower would I have needed to be? I was pretty low - holding the lethal pills in my hand. I felt so desperate, so sad, so lost and alone.

At the very lowest moment, I had one, very brief moment of clarity in which I asked myself to think about just one thing that I was looking forward to.

And then I lived.

The 'Just One Thing' That Stopped Depression From Draining My Will To Live (And More)

From that moment on, that technique of finding just one thing has become my saving grace. When I lack motivation, I tell myself to get up and do just one thing, like vacuum the rug. When my self-esteem is low, I remind myself about just one thing that I am good at, like writing. When my focus is blurred, I pick just one thing to concentrate on, like reading. When my depression threatened to swallow me whole, when I nearly took my own life, I thought of just one thing to stay my hand: my daughter's wedding.

Can Something So Small Stop Depression From Draining Your Will To Live?

It is a very rudimentary, yet powerful, technique I learned during cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). People scoff at psychotherapy, calling it ineffective. When partnered with other treatments, psychotherapy and CBT can save your life.

Today, my particular battle is with this unbelievably long, brutally cold and snowy winter (What is Seasonal Affective Disorder, Seasonal Depression?). I'm trying very hard to think about just one thing I appreciate about the winter besides my love for wearing warm, cozy sweaters; the just one thing I appreciate about the winter is that is always ends (eventually), and it always ushers in the spring!

When depression is draining you of you will to live, of all those things that make you who you are, try, if you can, to think about just one thing that can help change your state of mind. Try it. It works!

APA Reference
Scott, L. (2014, March 16). Depression Can Drain You Of Your Will To Live, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 18 from

Author: Liana M. Scott

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August, 4 2016 at 5:40 pm

I appreciate the sharing of such personal pain. I too struggle, have since I was quite young...have been suicidal..however, It gives me hope when I read of other's suffering and then how with diet, exercise, CBT and other methods one can maintain mental health. I work on it. I have a hope that one day I can maintain a fairly predictable happiness. Sending cyber hugs to everyone. I have read each persons comments and i do care. I am not religious, but i am sending love and prayers to each one of you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

August, 5 2016 at 3:46 am

Hi Shauna,
You sound incredibly kind and strong, and I appreciate your cyber hug and love. Keep working towards that happiness; I have full confidence that you will reach a point where you can maintain it as you wish.

August, 3 2016 at 3:50 am

I have to admit that I am empty inside, have lost the will to live, and lost my faith too, which was basically nothing but 'jam tomorrow'. I think self-reliance is the only possible way out of this. Relying on an 'external deity' for help is pointless and a delusion. I have seen and experienced too much suffering to believe that an absent father could ever really love his children.
So now I will have to learn to rely on myself and the medical profession to find a way out of this ugly hole.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

August, 3 2016 at 8:34 am

Hi Paul,
I am sorry to hear of your emptiness and loss of will to live. I am glad to hear of your determination to practice self-reliance and to work with the medical profession. I have found that faiths help a lot of people because relying on a deity helps people place hope in something. While I don't maintain a faith, I try to support others with different beliefs than mine, because sometimes that is just as useful for them as self-reliance will no doubt be useful for you.
I wish you the best,

June, 30 2016 at 10:04 pm

I'm 34, I'm a dentist and I had it of fighting this depression everyday of my life. The thought of killing myself is never too far from my mind and sometimes it takes such a grip on me that I would do it right away if I just have the means that will guarantee my death for good. I sometimes think of the huge pain my family would endure if I kill myself so I want to find a way to make it look like it's a natural death or an accident. I could think of a million reason to keep me alive but in my head it's JUST NOT WORTH IT. All that pain, everyday, I'm a dentist and I'm putting my practice at risk for not showing everyday. Besides my horrific depression now I have this oppressive thought going like a loop in my head that if I don't get married this year I will put an end to my miserable life once and for all. People at my age are settled down with kids and all and I'm still laying in my bed debating if I should go to work or not. They say only you can save yourself but myself wants to anhiliate me and I have this crazy thoughts like marriage will somehow save me. I'm holding to a brittle, or I'm not holding at all....all I know is that I can't take it anymore and this is so overwhelming that I can't contemplate anything else besides suicide. I know that depression will never leave and it's making me weaker everyday, and everyday I'm loosing more self-esteem. The funny part is that people see me as strong and successful but all I see is pain and despair. I have been fighting this for so long that I will give up in a blink of an eye if I just find the right mean. People would say if you wanted to die you would be gone by now, but I tried once . . . Well like I said I'm stuck in a loop and God has giving up on me ....I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE can anyone undtestand that !!!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Natasha Tracy
July, 5 2016 at 10:50 am

Hi Docfati,
I'm so sorry to hear about how you're feeling right now. It sounds very hard and I know how hard it is because I have been there, too. (By the way, I have found myself thinking that someone (a marriage) could somehow "fix" me, too, even though I know that's not remotely true.)
I know it may feel like the end of everything, but there is help. But you need to reach out to get it. See our resources and hotlines page for more:…
I totally get what you're feeling but believe me when I tell you, it _can_ get better with help.
- Natasha Tracy
- Writer, "Breaking Bipolar"
- Blog Manager

June, 17 2016 at 9:24 am

Sometimes I think about what it means to die. If one day when we pass on and such a place like heaven exists. That would be nice. Or even if there is nothing I would still be satisfied because there is a relief from the hell that I re-live each day.

June, 13 2016 at 1:14 am

We can fight depression and overcome it. Lets stop waiting for good things to happen. Its all about ATTITUDE. Life isnt fair or unfair, life is just life. I go through depression evety now and then. What has helped me overcome it are
1. Excerise
2. Healthy diet
3. Sleep
4. Friends & family
5. Meditation
6. Helping others
7. Reading, listening to positive speeches
Take one small step to make your life. Live in the presenr. Forget the past, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. DON'T THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. We are all connected in some form. Believe first, or fake it till you make it.
We can live happy lives, my friends. Just be strong.

June, 8 2016 at 3:13 pm

At my lowest, all I could think of is killing myself to the point where I planned what I would do in detail. I'm still here because of one thought that crossed mind. Emotions are not make permenant decisions based on temporary emotions...

June, 6 2016 at 4:09 pm

I've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease recently as well as spinal issues. Is it worth taking medication for it when I just want to die anyway? Maybe this is my way out. Sorry to be a loser. Having a bad episode.

May, 30 2016 at 1:34 am

Hi David
I can really relate to your comment. No-one I know can really understand how hard it is to do the smallest things when you're in the grip of depression. I've been okay for quite a long time but over the last few days, I've been in the black fog again. It does help to recognise that so many other people are having the exact same experience as me
even though their situations are very different. It helps me to see that maybe it is my perspective, not the reality of my life. Thanks for your comment. I hope your walk helped.

Psych Nairo
May, 30 2016 at 1:30 am

I have used CBT and it works! It helps to challenge the irrational thoughts and having an "anchor" thought that you instead focus on as opposed to the overwhelmingly negative thoughts swirling in your mind just like you did by giving yourself just one reason to live. Powerful stuff. Thank you for your helpful post.

May, 26 2016 at 4:41 am

thank you everyone, just reading the suffering has saved me today ... I don't know about tomorrow, but knowing we are somehow in this together is a massive help ... I've been lying here all day too depressed to even move ... but now I think I can walk into town and that will help. I love you all ...

Kill me
May, 6 2016 at 7:57 am

But there's nothing for me to look forward to except my own death. I don't have any family or friends, not aspirations, nothing. Just a dark room and an internet connection.

May, 3 2016 at 3:23 am

This is a long string of comments from everyone - I wonder how many people still look at this?
Anyway, there are a lot of people here who feel they have lost the will to live, including me. I too am now trying the "think of a reason to live" - in my case my family (I'm lucky). However, there are times when it seems nothing matters, nothing at all. I just try to wait it out, and take my meds, but I am not finding the strength or will to go on.
Why does life feel like this - what could a creator gain from making us like this? How long must everyone suffer? I guess no one has an answer - but vent it out, they say. Hang on, they say. ... well, I do, but why?

April, 27 2016 at 2:43 pm

i too have no will to live. I have chronic MDD. am stopping all meds, all doctors visits because there is no point. Nothing is working. Nobody cares, I am unimportant. All these great people who die, genius musicians who have turned their lives around, great actors, innocent children and young people who die in car accidents and have so much to live for. EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear of someone like that who has died too soon I think, it should've been me. And I get even more depressed because it wasn't me.

April, 4 2016 at 5:20 pm

Keep going. I am going through the same thing. Darkness. No trust of most people. No willpower to work. Work is more drudgery than enjoyment. Got to keep going. Better days have to be ahead.

April, 3 2016 at 9:48 am

I just feel completely numb..the depression,anxiety,social anxiety totally consumes me.
Unfortunately,I have nobody is can talk to,I am pretty convinced I have bi-polar..I can be in a complete state of euphoria and in a second the darkness comes crashing in on's like an existence without knowing how to live..the pain is horrendous!
I have lived with abuse in the past..but that's where it is way in the past.
I have cared for my wonderful Son now 21 with Autism but very capable..i have no other purpose in this world other than to keep myself alive for him.
I'm so sorry for anyone going through this awful darkness!! I seem to have lost this continual tired of it!!

March, 27 2016 at 5:08 am

Hi Marissa
This may seem trivial but I have had similar problems on/off since I was 10.
Now an 40 still not ok.
However the migraines we have incommon.
I actually found out doing a CT scan that I broke my nose and having it 'righted" reduced the migraines to very very rare.
What I mean to say is just finding 1 answer to 1 problems can help you.
Solve 1 problem at a time.
I would say you have symptoms of post traumatic.
Just a thought.

March, 14 2016 at 5:15 am

Having been in a psych ward for merely mentioning my deep depression to a rookie on a depression hotline, I am fearful of trying to talk to anyone for fear of being locked up for evaluation. If I truly wanted to be dead it would already be done.

February, 28 2016 at 12:47 pm

I lost the one reason I had left too.
All my life I gradually watched each of my family members die. The person I loved most in the world, my mum I worried for every second. My sister and brother were evil drug issues, sister spoiled narcissist. They would abuse her. She got cancer I believe from the constant stress. The week her cancer returned the second time, I met a man, one that finally stood by me...or so I thought through thick and thin.
He helped me through but after she died started demanding it be about him. I was still grieving. It took me a year and a half but finally began getting over my grief - our future, my future with him was what got me through. It was my one thing. There were many times I thought of ending it but that pulled me through.
I started trying harder to make up for all he had sacrificed for me in that time, nothing seemed good enough. In september he began talking to his ex from 7 years ago and detaching from me. I had been thinking we were going well, looking forward to when we could move in together. I had started talking and preparing for the children we had discussed but was getting afraid that approaching 35 was leaving it too late. So three days after my birthday he broke up with me, he abandoned me for her. He has already made committments to her that he didnt make to me in 2.3 years. i am so confused why someone that seemed to love me enough to go through all he did with and for me could just discard me so easily. He has emailed saying sorry for hurting me but does not seem to care how I am, all of his energy is going into her. I am broken. I am living for my dogs at the moment but if they go I do not see how I will cope. i dont understand how he can just abandon me after everything for someone who had hurt him before and said he would never go back to. I am so broken. I have no life energy. All I wanted was a happy family so I could take my children to visit their grandmother and give her something that would make her life better. Now that will never happen and as I am 35 and have no partner or by my track record , am unlovable enough to want to reproduce with then it looks like I will never have that family either. Pepple say be positive, dont put this negative energy out there to the universe, but I recall womdering if anyone would love me enough to have that with me when was 27 and now 35 nothing has changed. I loved him so much. I want what we had again for the first time I have given up and let her have him. Whats the point if someone doest love you enough. I was least the other times I was not fooled so badly. Even if i did meet someone agian who is to say they wouldnt leave me again in 2 years. I empathise with you Angi

February, 23 2016 at 11:53 am

Oh my goodness! There is so much pain on this page.
I've had a pretty crappy life myself, from alcoholic upbringing, to failed marriages, to losing my 20 year career and pretty much everything else as a result.
The one thing that gets your through is self love, and self reliance. Only you can eat right, get exercise, do the things you need to do. You can't wait for someone or something. It has to come from you. There is something you want from life. Fight for it. Even if it is one little baby step every single day. I do.
While life is still far from a bowl of cherries, I no longer suffer from debilitating depression that keeps you paralyzed.
I've written the Beat Depression Handbook and I am the creator of Whole Life Overhaul.
If I can help you at all, please let me know. Sometimes just having some encouragement goes a long way.
Take care of yourself.

February, 12 2016 at 12:51 pm

One more comment...
AnGi.. Your comment made me burst out of tears... My God It is impossible that no one loves you AT ALL... And whaf kind of children will just leave there own mother??!!
Please be optimistic as much as you can, look around you, and you will see someone really really appreciates you...
Good luck AnGi, I hope you will have a happy live

February, 12 2016 at 12:34 pm

And just when I thought that im the only one who lost the will to live, there you came guys.
I am a person who is not accepted in every community I live with it, now im studying in college away from my family and friends, I have no real friends or any to love (not even a girl to love) I lost the will to live and the idea is just keep tingling in my mind for months right now, however, I remembered that one thing is keeping living happy...
The will to take care of my mother just like she sacrificed for me.
Thank you guys.. Be positive please, don't lose hope, you have someone loves you there.. Im sure

Alex Kaye
January, 25 2016 at 11:10 am

Watch your diet, everyone. American diets will rot you from the inside out and are a very common source of our ills. Sugar can cause depression, and the latest news points to alzeihmer's disease as "Diabetes Type III." I am a life-long depression sufferer and have only recently began to realize that diet could be the very reason for it! Especially sugar, and especially FAKE sugar. If you are a depressive, avoid aspartame at all costs -- it is particularly dangerous to depressives.
Here is something I tell myself sometimes when suicidal that may help you: If you are going to die, why not live?

December, 10 2015 at 2:40 pm

Each day is the just exactly the same as the last.
I work from home so I don't see anyone all day and I earn so little that I can't afford to go out when I am not working.
Since my parents and my brother all passed away within a short time I find it a struggle to see why I am living and what the point is of carrying on.
i have another brother who I talk to quite often but he has his family around him and his health is not great so I don't want t burden him with how I am feeling.
So I work all day and spend the evenings watching repeats on TV and I read and spend time on my computer....just to fll the time.
I have been making an effort lately by joining an on-line community of people where we are all learning how to builb web-sites to start our own businesses on-line.
I find that I spend more time chatting and sending messages to fellow members than I do working on my web-site - but it is fun for me.
Just can't see where my life is going or how I will end up.

October, 29 2015 at 8:31 am

I have plenty of reasons to live. I am just so, so tired of getting up every day, doing all the chores, the school run, worrying about money, wanting to eat but being so fat and knowing I really shouldn't... I am just so so tired. I wish all these things I have to do would just go away so I can fall asleep and just... I have no active desire to die. It would be nice if I could find the energy to find life easier but I just have none and the constant slog makes me want to go find a hedge to lay under until nature takes its course.

October, 12 2015 at 5:08 pm

Angi and Jack. All I can say and do is pray for you. Life isn't fair. It never had been. Keep going and I would find a mentor or friend whom have gone through the same issues you have gone through. You are not alone. Millions have gone through the same horrible experiences. Good luck and I hope you find your way through this.

August, 6 2015 at 8:20 am

I lost my awesome son in a horrible accident. I cry violently all day long. I miss him so much. I cant even write this. I just don't want to go on but I have to because of my wife the 3 other kids.
30-40 more years to live is like a horrible life sentence. I can't even face the next 15 minutes. Life is so dark, I am in dark dark place. My heart shakes all the time and my body trembles all day long. This punishment or what life's has dished out for me is unbearable. I miss him so I long for the day when I will hold him again and tell him how much I have missed him and never let him go again.

July, 27 2015 at 5:05 am

I am alone, no friends, nothing. I have had physically & mentally abusive relationships, and the last one that I wanted more then anything–had distance. Now he’s gone he found someone better. My children have left me. ...everyone leaves. I have nothing left, no motivation to live. The pain is unbareable, all I do is cry can't handle the pain of my broken heart anymore. Not even the self harm helps anymore.

July, 21 2015 at 10:46 pm

Losing a person you truly love and is your soulmate is a reason to lose the will to live there's nothing wrong with loving someone to where you can't live without them. People do it all the time. I'm 28 and I found and lost that one person, they left me for another person but I'm still in love with the person and I don't want a life without them so losing the will to live and dying is better than a life of misery. We were almost together eight years. Death is better than misery. Sorry.

June, 27 2015 at 11:04 pm

I have lost my will to live. even though I know I am leading a blessed life. I am so tired of the physical pain that doesn't seem to go away. I due to the chronic pain I have been unable to find a job that will live within my health restrictions.
All, I know is that there has got to be a better place to go than here.
All this distress all from a car accident 2 years ago and that the driver who caused it has gone unpunished. And my love of life has been forever changed.

June, 15 2015 at 9:37 pm

Yes its " that one thing ", like a streak of light , touching our heart , that flashes from some where , we are not aware of ...., when we are in the midst of , quite earnestly... , suffering day & night in the secrecy of disguise . As we all know what a devastating & traumatic thing of an emotion depression is ! Making us obsessed with it , stealing away all the happiness from our hearts . ..
But with doc. prescription of medicines with regular counselling , not to miss the connect with your God ,you can truly come out of this eventually...&...gradually...
These hard times me , makes You a person as polished as a Gem , seeking to see through the souls .... As you see yourself a soul of a Creation so exclusive created by your God......

June, 15 2015 at 4:43 pm

My son is the one thing/person that has gotten me thru the darkest, deepest and hardest days of depression and still does. I have thought about what it would be like to be in his shoes if I was gone and that frightens and saddeneds me. He may be 21 but he still and will always need mom to an end extent.

Anibal (AL) Candelaria
June, 15 2015 at 4:29 pm

I try and focus on the love of GOD.

June, 15 2015 at 3:58 pm

depression is so frustrating! Wanting and longing to be without depression I feel I work hard at it but must be missing something! Life just doesn't make sense to me! Like why..why live and then with depression it just becomes overwhelming. Like who can you ask for help? You mention your depressed then the alarm goes off.. You want a pity party or attention. It just isn't like that ,but I can see how that it may appear. I'm lost most of the time. Yes, I do want to feel of value,importance, loved and wanted. Doesn't everyone? For some it comes naturally I guess. I really think my brain missed the whole wiring on emotions. The emotions are defiantly there but the balance? There isn't any!

May, 18 2015 at 10:20 am

What a concept. Trying to find that "one thing to live for" is something I plan on trying. Here is hoping I we can all find that "one thing". Amen

April, 14 2015 at 6:53 pm

I too, lost my will. My entire life has been horrible. Nothing went my way. I am alone, no friends, nothing. I have been bullied, had physically & mentally abusive relationships, and the last one that I wanted more then anything--had distance. Now he's gone & I feel I have nothing left, no motivation to live. The pain is unbareable, all I do is cry & my chest hurts. Don't know how many more days I can take.

March, 30 2015 at 7:28 pm

I've struggle with depression for 24 years with not a lot of understanding from my family. Its been difficult,my husband has been a wonderful support as have my church and circle of care. My Dr is wonderful. My struggle with continue I'm swear of this but I do it in the knowledge I have people around me that will be there when I need them

March, 29 2015 at 3:27 pm

For the most part I enjoy living alone so in order to contininue to live independently my job has become the one thing that keeps me hanging on, especially being so close to retirement. I've never wanted to be dependant on anyone for anything, well interdependent maybe but never dependant. I'd rather die than have to rely on someone else, but that's just me.
However I'm currently facing the possibility of job lay off along with a lot of other people and it stresses me out most days to the point of exhaustion. When I come home from work all I do is sleep when I know I should be putting a résumé together and at the very least looking for a part time job to help pay off some debt before I can retire.
Every morning I'd make myself a to do list that kept getting longer and longer to the point where it was overwhelming. So I've had to learn to be gentler on myself and pare back the list focusing on the most important things. Not everything gets done but it gives me some measure of success on which to build the next day. It's what keeps me functional. On any given day all I can do is my best and that has to be enough
My health is also very important to me since I can't afford to be sick, I have no one to take care of me... one drawback from living alone. This is another thing that motivates me to keep hanging in there and not let depression get the better of me
If I give up I know I'm toast and there is no going back so I keep fighting for my life because I am worth it. After all if I don't believe in myself who will?

March, 5 2015 at 6:44 pm

not much to tell U
the only person who can help You is You ..(:
Y o u have to find the will to live and get better /healthier and none else ..
You are the captain of that ship of Urs .....
U know I was very unhappy in my marriage ,my HS is a narcissist to some degree also I am sick with chronic lyme ,low thyroid ,anxiety ,depression ...loooong list ...
I work on and off and sell online .....
I live from my HS income ....and what I can make myself ...
given I feel like a zombie most of the time....
my life was very depressive and super lonely ...
and one day I just said to myself ...Screw that shit ...
I cant afford divorce and living on my marriage is a joke ..
no intimacy fro last 10 yrs ...and we are 40 -50 ...only ..
so I said enough ...went online and met whole bunch of great people there ..women ,men ....
and guess what..... I am not lonely anymore ...I have nice friends writing to me its a blast ........
my body is stuck in a house but my soul is free.....(:
I have changed so much ,believed in myself .....if only I could conquer my physical illness and become independent that would be awesome.....

February, 26 2015 at 10:48 am

am a 40 year old female who was diagnosed with bipolar II due to an extreme manic episode which almost cost my marriage, a bankruptcy, and dependence on marijuana and opiates. I have had chronic migraines for over 20 years of my life and am on disability since 2008 since I can't work. I also have a 11 year old daughter, who Thank-God is healthy. My psych I have now for almost 2 years thinks that I was mis-diagnosed with the bipolar II because right after that manic episode I broke my femur from osteopedia I self inflicted by being anorexic and my bones were in such bad shape. The injury cost me over a year with 2 surgeries and with 20% disability in that leg. Once this happened I rarely had any manic episodes and when I would they were fast and gone and no real "good" feelings. I am also on psych meds for anxiety, daytime sleepiness/stimulant, an anti-depressant, two different mood stabilizers, a sleeping pill and that's just my psych meds. For the migraines I am on a preventative, an anti-nausea med, three different abortive meds, botox treatments, a possible sleep apnea diagnosis, and a muscle relaxers. I am back to hardly eating due to the stimulant and its the only thing I can control and finally its just another form of self injury that I realize. Well that sums it up. I am writing this today Feb. 26,2015 because it is the 23rd anniversary of my beloved Mother's horrible death from cancer. And so my suicidal thoughts are back with a vengenance. I also should add that between 13-16 I attempted suicide and stayed in 4 different "children/teens" psych hospitals. Was better until 2012 when in that one year I was in-patient 3 times, once voluntary and well the other two was all but forced by admitting to wanting to die. Then just in Nov. 2014 within 5 days I had attempted suicide very drastically by taking over 50 codeine with Tylenol and about 30-40 50mg Benadryl. The first time I was found on the floor in my own vomit and from there I woke up in the ER ICU unit on a breathing machine, my liver and kidneys were about to shut down, and I was in that induced coma for over 15 hours and my family was advised to get a pastor, priest, anyone since I was truly possibly going to die. The only reason I only went to the psych floor for only 3 days was due to being in ICU for 2 days awake with that breathing tube since it wasn't known what would happen when it was removed, then 3 days on a regular medical floor but with someone with me 24 hours a day for any other self harm behavior, so my insurance only would cover 3 days. I also was very manipulative as far as what I really took and why, I lied and said it was barely 15 codeine with Tylenol cause I wasn't supposed to be on them for 6 months before this happened, which is why I hoarded them for quite awhile, and I just said I mainly took the Benadryl and I didn't know they were each 50mg, but 25mg and all I wanted to do was sleep for awhile due to the insomnia. They did discharge with all the meds I mentioned before and didn't know I still had a lot of codeine with Tylenol, so 5 days later it was a complete replay of the first time except I didn't have as many pills before but I wouldn't eat anything those 5 days but this time I was in the psych ward for 2 weeks. Again I was discharged with all my meds and told that the reason the toxicity of both my liver and kidneys were so severe that it was from the constant medications taken all the years from all my doctors going back 15 years or so. So here I am today and have about 30 Seroquel 300mg tabs, 60 4mg Zanaflex, 15 12.5mg Ambiens, over 100 2mg Xanax tabs, 60 200mg Lamictal tabs, 30 25mg Phenergen , 40 30mg Adderall, and my Imitrex Shots, Cambria liquids, and Spinx Nasal spray. The last 3 are the abortive migraine meds and wouldn't be an option to take for suicide cause I don't think I could inject myself enough since I only have 3 injection sites I can use, and I hate the nasal spray and liquid. I did just get all my meds filled since its almost the end of the month and today I can NOT function, I have been re-living ever detail of my Mom's passing, I held her hand at 17 years old when she took her very last breath with just my 18 year old sister since my father couldn't be bothered with staying at the hospital that long. And I am nervous that due to my normal non-functional life, horrible housewife and mother that especially my husband will see how dirty the house is, that I have nothing to make for supper, since my daughter got home she has been on her IPAD alone in her room and besides feeding our dogs and letting them out, I haven't spent anytime with them. We had snow today and while it isn't much will be yet another chore I should have done, and on and on. Well this is more of something that should go on a forum not a general info about me but anyone out there can give me advice on how to deal with my family and function so I do not lose them, and how to care and take care of myself, and finally how to deal with all the grief of not just today but the loss of my life, I say all the time, mostly to myself since my support system consists of no more friends, completely isolated myself for years, a husband who has dealt with this for so long he wants a divorce so badly but feels that no matter what he couldn't do it now since my health state both medical and mental is so bad that deep down he knows that without him around I wouldn't make it and sadly I desperately need his health insurance and salary since my disability check is a joke, my daughter who already has seen and heard too much she is also getting fed up, I no longer have much of a relationship with my sister since she is lazy and while a registered nurse hasn't work since I received a settlement from the broken femur incident and she owes me well over $35,000 that I NEED now and I don't think she will ever pay me back, and then my father who was never there before in my early life and still really nothing there. So for the most part it is me alone and the thoughts in my head and the pain physical also in my whole body, mind, and soul. Thanks to anyone who reads this and that's enough for me Malissa

February, 15 2015 at 10:15 pm

Sit, other people shouldn't as such to be a reason to live or die- specially the latter. No one is worth our death :(

February, 13 2015 at 8:04 am

I had one thing, one thing that dragged me out, one reason to stay alive. I was even happy, it lasted 5 years. Then she left me.

December, 7 2014 at 3:26 pm

I having been reading everyone's replies on this post. I too suffer from depression and its hard to talk about it with people who don't understand it. I just get judgemental feedback from my family and some friends. I have been unemployed for a few years, I have $100k student loans I have to repay but can't (from MBA school), i dont know how Im going to pay rent, can't get a job even at Starbucks, I'm 50 years old and never had children or been married. I feel useless, ugly,old and marginallized. Everyday I struggle to find things to look forward to. I can't find anything. I feel i have no future other than being a burden to my siblings, parents and society

November, 24 2014 at 3:51 am

I have been dealing with depression for many years. I have been disabled for over 17 years with almost daily severe migraine headaches. I am type one diabetic with poor control. Just having to deal with the horrible pain for so many years has been very hard on me. I get pain meds, without which I would have taken my life many years ago. However the doctor I have been seeing for the last 6 years is closing her practice and has been unable or unwilling to provide me my records so that I can find a new doctor. She has been making all kinds of excuses but the truth is she has been a very poor record keeper. So she has been filling my pain meds because I can't get anyone else until they get my records. The crap part is she has been cutting me back over the last year to the point my pain level has gotten back to the point where I can barely cope.
Just the constant terrible pain has worn me down and made me extremely depressed. The only thing that has kept me from ending it all has been my wife and two girls. I have many other health issues and family issues, but the main point is my wife told me last night that she and the girls want me gone. My wife has had intimacy issues, out of the 24 years we have been married the last 15 has been sexless. I put up with it because I love her and was willing to deal with it to keep my family together. I know I can be difficult to live with due to my headaches, but I thought and she has constantly told me everything was fine. I guess not...
There is too much to get into here, but the point is my only reason I have not taken my life sooner is now gone. I honestly don't think I can go through thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I can't think of a good reason to do so. I am 49 and with my health issues I know I am going to be alone the rest of my life. I guess I just needed to vent and put it down somewhere why I came to this.
God bless,

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Erin Schulthies
December, 3 2014 at 9:42 am

Hi George,
I hope you are still with us. It sounds like you have a ton of stress to deal with right now. I think it's great that you're checking out Healthy Place and that you're writing about your feelings, like in this comment. Our Suicide Information page has a lot of great resources that may help you out, too. Hold on! You're worth it.

November, 18 2014 at 4:40 pm

I just started taking antidepressants today and I feel like I'm canatonic.

November, 18 2014 at 4:37 pm

I feel like I want to hurt myself. I don't want to die. I just want to ease the emotional pain.

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