An Endless Urge to Cry
Many days I suffer from what feels like an endless urge to cry. I wake up, and the first thing I may have is an urge to cry. I make coffee -- same thing. I sit down to work, and the urge is still here. You'll note that, at this point, nothing has happened in my day to cause this; I simply have an undeniable urge to cry.
What the Urge to Cry Feels Like
For me, the urge to cry feels like tears behind my eyes all the time. My eyes themselves feel wet with tears. If I close my eyes for an extra second, tears will appear. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at the drop of an eyelash. My face feels like it's hanging low from my head. I feel down. I feel depressed. I feel like everything is meaningless. I feel like I should be crying. The trouble with that is that if I start crying, there simply is no reason to stop.
What Brings About the Urge to Cry?
The urge to cry is brought about by depression, naturally. I'm sure other things like grief could bring it on too, but for me, it's depression. And right now, that depression feels like an unresolved issue. It feels like if I just had a key, I could unlock it, and it would go away. Of course, this isn't true. The depression will stay as long as the depression wants. It's not really up to me at all.
Dealing with an Endless Urge to Cry
There are two parts to dealing with an endless urge to cry: crying and not crying.
First up, there is crying.
I think that when I feel the urge to cry all the time, when this goes on for hours, days, or longer, sometimes I have to just give in and cry. Sometimes I just sit on my couch and wail. The sounds that emanate from my sorrow scare even me, but I don't think it helps to have them trapped inside me forevermore. And while I do allow this crying to take place, there is a time when I make a conscious decision to stop. I sometimes say "stop" out loud. Because the fact is, my depression doesn't want to stop. It never wants to stop. It wants to keep me trapped, springing tears forever. So I have to stand up and say that I won't allow this anymore.
Then we have the not crying.
Most of the time I have the urge to cry, I'm actually not crying. I can't work when I'm crying. I can't go out when I'm crying. I can't feel remotely human when wailing out my suffering. Not crying is actually very hard. It means avoiding anything even slightly triggering -- including my own thoughts. It also means purposefully shifting my focus is exactly what is happening in that second. So, I might comment on a TV character's clothes. I might have an in-depth conversation while I brush my cat. I might intently focus on cleaning my robot vacuum cleaner's parts. Sometimes having background noise on while I'm doing other things is also helpful. I'll really do anything that distracts me from the crying urge I carry around.
The Urge to Cry Solution
The only solution I know for really defeating the constant urge to cry is psychiatric and/or psychological treatment with a professional. I'm sorry. I wish it were kudzu root or jumping jacks, but it just isn't. While, obviously, there are lifestyle factors that can make this state worse and lifestyle factors that can aid in feeling better, it's the treatment that's the lynchpin in my experience. I know that treatment will work for me, too; it just isn't at this moment.
In short, reach out. You don't have to feel this way. Depression doesn't have to sit heavy on your chest and acidic behind your eyes forever.
Tracy, N. (2022, July 15). An Endless Urge to Cry, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, January 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2022/7/an-endless-urge-to-cry