My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself
Kate White, our anxiety blogger here at HealthyPlace asked the question: what does a mental illness feel like? Well, that's a big question. I've been writing for years to answer it. In today's bipolar video though, I expose one facet of crazy that really ruins my day.
I Hate Myself
Depression makes you hate yourself. Not for everyone, I suppose, but for me, it does. So I'm constantly trying to convince myself I'm not the awful disgusting creature my bipolar brain, my crazy, keeps telling me I am.
Here I talk about how a tiny interaction with my friend inflames the crazy, and even though I can see the fire, it still burns.
My Irrational Bipolar Brain
Tracy, N. (2010, September 21). My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, February 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/09/video-everyday-life-makes-me-hate-myself
Author: Natasha Tracy
I am mixed bipolar, have PTSD, and extreme anxiety disorder and ADD. I am on ss disability. I once was so strong. Nothing could knock me down. I always had a "don't pis* Brandi off side". But in my mid 20s I had my 1st break down but my episodes are so frequent, and I am rarely "normal". Some days I can't function. Or finish a scentence, or think of a single word. Others my vocabulary is high and educated, and I am able to do my hobby. (Model creative concepts). But for the past yr I have such high anxiety I get to worked up I don't even model much. Taking care of my 4 babies has become a task I need help with. Some days I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am looking at. Or how I got here.
Thank you thank you thank you. i've been struggling with this and it is so nice to hear I'm not alone.
Although I'm considered a high functioning bipolar it's so taxing to feel the need to always be on, like I'm on stage in some sort of play pretending to be normal, whatever that is... It can be extremely exhausting. I'm not so good at hiding my feelings when I'm particularly run down. Medication can help to dull the senses and make it easier to go through the motions but it also has been known to kill the spirit. I'm so short on energy these days. Fall/winter tends to make me feel that way as the inevitable depression starts to sink in. Sometimes I just need time apart from people to be me, let my hair down, relax a little, then gather myself together again. When I pull away from others for a while like that they simply don't understand because 95 percent of the people I know don't know I have a bipolar disorder and they tend to take it personally. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I am still very uncomfortable with the bipolar diagnosis and I'm not ready yet to tell people about it who quite likely will not understand anyway... We all have our insecurities that affect our views of the world and the people we surround ourselves with in it, bipolar or not... I hate this disorder and the way it makes me feel. It has contributed to the downfall of many a relationship which leaves me feeling more alone than ever before. Relationships take energy, time and commitment to build and can easily be torn down after repeated episodes...
For people you don’t know that well, say you suffer from seasonal depression or just depression. It sounds like that’s the half of bipolar causing problems (you pulling away) and it certainly isn’t untrue.
When you know a person much better, OR when you need to explain manic behavior, that is the better time to introduce the word bipolar.
I really cannot stand or except the fact that I have bipolar disorder, even though I've been diagnosed by 3 different doctors and been constantly put on all kinds of medications that DONT work, but I pretend everything's fine and dandy cause I have 3 beautiful daughters, who need me, and a loving husband who I have put thru hell and back and I somehow still think it's him that made me this way most of the time.. Everyone's story is different and I keep thinking that being Bipolar is bullshit and just an excuse for ridiculous behavior but yet I go on everyday taking my f-d up meds.. This Bipolar just sucks. Thanks for letting me vent, no one in my life has a clue
I hate being bpii. Its been 2 year's. I do weird things. Say stuff that's funny. But sometimes my social skills suck and I mess up. I hate doubting. Does my husband make it worse. Or am I really bad off. Guilt shame. Embarrassed. And I haven't worked because the cy ly is so unpredictable!! Lows could mean no food or getting g out of bed. To energy and seeking fun with friends. I would rather die then hurt others. Mostly I hate the judgement of my behaviors, which make sense to me. Lord I sm messed up
I am so grateful to have found this place this morning. I am struggling, so severely, with my bipolar depression that it is eating me away...I am barely even a piece of the person I truly am/once was. Gosh, I hope I can find some help and answers and understandings here before my head completely spins off of me! I feel crazy. I mean, I am crazy. I know that. But I hate most, that others are seeing it or judging me. I'm so paranoid and exhausted and defeated. Just defeated.
...l have bipolar ll. I call it the Theif in the Night. I have two beautiful daughters who I adore. They can't take the cycles and while they are both extremely educated and intelligent, they take my depression personally. Why shouldn't they? They feel abandoned ! So my guilt keeps me up all night. I feel abandoned, too, because I cannot control when the depression hits, and suddenly I am..gone. This recent bout with depression started in October. It is near the end of February. The fight we all have is lonliness because this disease isolates us. I guess all I can offer in hope is to say that we are not the disease. And we have to try to be kind to ourselves. That is easier said, than done. But I have never learned to nurture myself because I was so busy worrying.
why do i back off when people try to get close to me.
I start being mean and say hateful things so that my friends don;t come back. I use to have lots of friends but i don;t have any anymore. Even my oldest son hates me.
Thank you Natasha for having the courage to share so intimately in public. I'm curious if anyone has figured out how to shut the self-hating critic up. I've tried all kinds of techniques in therapy over the years but damn, it just won't stop. Much gratitude to you for sharing. Makes me feel a lot less alone. <3
I'm terribly upset and hate being bipolar. I can't experience life as I want because of it. Bipolar ruins all my relationships and makes it so I can't make new friends, not real friends at least. I have to hide that side of me otherwise people just go away. I just want to be normal, but know I can't be. People make fun of bipolar people around me all the time, if they only knew....
I am in the same boat as you.. I thought I was alone, but now that I read what your going through, it makes me feel better. I hate myself because I feel like I ruin everything for myself because I'm always depressed. I try to do things to fit in with ppl just to have friends because I feel so lonely.. I don't want to feel like everyone is so much more happier than me and that I'm the only one suffering in this world.
I'm glad you have learned you are not alone. That, in and of itself, is a powerful lesson that can help you a lot. I can completely understand you not wanting it to be true, but the first step in getting better is admitting we have a problem. Congratulations for taking the first step.
Thank you Natasha. I've been questioning if I have bipolar or not. And the things you said and the things other people have posted here, is the way i feel. The worst thing has been to wonder what is wrong with me, why am i not like most people. Why do i hate so many things about myself when it comes to how i feel people perceive me. My mom has bipolar, and I thought I had anxiety, depression, and ptsd. A few years back my family doctor referred me to a phyciatrist in urgent care hospital. He talked to me for about 20 minutes and asked alot of questions about my mom;s bipolar. Then he "diagnosed" me with bipolar and prescribed me lithium. I was outraged and did not belive him. I felt he didnt spend enough time with me to accurately diagnose me. Also I could only relate to what bipolar was through watching my mom live with it while i was growing up. When she was manic, she would do wild and crazy things, write bad cheques, overspend, take off for days. And when she was depressed she would have long periods of never getting out of bed. I can relate to her depression, as I have been there multiple times. But Ive never been manic and been irresponsible or out of control like that. So I assumed that would mean I cant possibly have bipolar. But latley the more I have been thinking about it, and learning more about what others go through, I CAN relate more than ever. In one way it feels like "oh my god, im not alone feeling this way". So thank you so much for being brave enough to do a blog and share your story. You have given me a sigh of relief knowing i am not alone.. but of course i am terrified and wish it wasn't so. Its going to take a while to accept it im sure.
Totally relate. My mind versus rationality, total war sometimes. And yes, the crazy will win every time and not only that will give me a totally 'rational' reason for doing so.
I hate myself. I hate that im horrible to people i care about and love, when logically i know they just want to help me. I hate the fact that i can't be on my own but no one wants to be with me because i make everyone miserable. I hate that i feel trapped and alone and i can't turn my brain off just for five minutes. I hate that im even anxious in my sleep. I hate that i feel like i don't deserve for people to be nice to me. I hate that spend everyday trying to keep myself "safe" when i just want to die. I hate that i keep letting everybody down. I hate that no one is answering the phone. I hate that my boyfriend (who is too good to me and i don't deserve) is on a night shift. I hate that i got angry and shouted at mum and now she hates me. I hate that everyone thinks they understand. I hate that everyone seems to think i should be getting better. I hate that everyone keeps talkng to me about it. I hate that my boyfriend hides my medication. I hate that everyone knows. I hate that ive got to go back to work and pretend im ok. I hate that my Dad said, "oh thats what Stephen Fry's got, you'll be ok". I hate that it wont go away. I hate that i can't do it anymore. I hate bipolar.
It sounds like you're feeling pretty hopeless right now. I understand. I feel like that sometimes. Many people do. In fact, many people who aren't even sick get overwhelmed that way sometimes.
But the disease is cyclical. You go down and you'll come up. It will get worse and it will get better. Meds won't work and then you'll find meds that do.
I understand the hopelessness. But there is more than darkness in your future. I know this because many, many of us have been there.
Hold on to someone else's hope if you can't hold on to your own.
Thanks for reaching out.
I hate the feelings I go through even more when I,m alone I take these damn meds I,m given and none of these crap works being bipolar and manic depress sucks you have no life maybe spare moments but that just pass like the wind what a wonderful way to live to hell with it and the docters they just look at another looney toon coming in the door to make money and play guesting games on me what ah life screw it
You are not the only one. You are not alone. You are in the throws of a mental illness right now. Things do get better.
No, you are not "mental". You are in need of help. A mental hospital can offer that help. Controlling anger is one thing that you can get help with. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar, then there are many other ways a mental hospital or mental health services can help as well.
You may have done some things you aren't proud of, all of us have, whether we have a mental illness or not. They may have been driven by your illness or they may not, but either way, that doesn't mean that today isn't the day you can turn your life around.
You need help now to get yourself moving in a positive direction. See a doctor. See a therapist. Get help now. Talk to someone. There are lots of people who care about you and want to help you get through this.
Here are some mental health resources:
Use them. Reach out. It won't get better until you ask for help. You are not alone.
I hate myself so much. My bipolar self has completely destroyed me, it makes me feel so depressed and i hate being mean to people for no reason. They put me in a mental hospital and i am not mental, i just wasn't able to control my anger. Then i became a nice guy, then depressed, then started lying to people and eventually telling the truth. I am so depressed, i need to die, my life isn't worth all the bad things i done, i know one day, i will be in a insane asylum, thinking about my terrible actions. Anyone else feel this way? Am i the only one?
Just like everyone else I find my self high and low mostly low, then high but I have to be on my xanax to pull that one off and be well rested with a ton of make up on to get my self nice and tan. I'm 24 with Hiv was on atripla then doc switch me to travada and isentress and 30mg twice a day of adderall and ability twice a day 2mg. I also was exposed to TB so I also take pyridoxine 50mg and isoniazid300mg my cd4 count is at 595 at 30% and undetectable. I have had major trust issue with friends, family, co-workers, I find my self judging my self way to much and makes me sick to were I just wish i could just die pain free. I had a doc who had me on 30 mg of adderall three times a day and 30mg xr of aderall twice a day and I stop because I was having all these crazy toughts so i switch doc and now just taking 30mg of adderall xr twice a day. I'm never happy unless i am shopping or having some around me reminding me that it not me it the people i surround myself with who bring me down. well Now that I moved far away and only live with family I don't have any friends witch makes me even more moody but i noticed my mood has been less drama free being away from the old friends. But I feel like a jury or bitch because i don't return calls or stay in contact and they make me feel bad because they say i only call when i need something but is that not what a friend is for someone to just here me or is that why they have doc. I am goo at problem solving and i love a challenge but I tend to give up alway on my self I am in debt of 85,000 I live with my family and I make 11.00 a hour at a hotel working 3 to 11 and love it a lot I just wish I did not have so much work stress with people talking about my pill bottles or eating habits or them just trying to make my day even harder but not updating me and passing things on to me so i have a ruff day or make mistakes so i can get fired. I just don't know anymore I don't wanted to go to a phi. because i am scared they may tell me i am crazy and end up in a mental hospital....
Hi Sandy, I'm sorry to hear that. But I must say in your defense, people _are_ very annoying.
There is still time to overcome. Give yourself a break.
Jake, your last comment was me in a nutshell, literally.
Now I can't work, on disability AND 61 y.o. Approaching "retirement" ?
My problem was:
"distnguishing between realistic expectations of people and unrealistic expectations. We can create all sorts of scenarios about what goes on inside the minds of others The best bet is probably to ask."
If you ask you may reach a more realistic understnding.
Wish I had been able to overcome this. Really like people, but when in very close proximity, as bank taller, they get on my nerves big time, and I stress, go into anxiety attck mode. As in get away from me, I'm getting out of here. Fight or flight.
This applies to all social situations.
You should have worked at the Empire, their expectations are _all_ unreasonable :)
I agree, asking is the best idea. No one can read minds.
I can absolutely relate to this one. I have started and quit 12 jobs in 10 years and only actually worked about 4 of those years. My biggest personal challenge is distnguishing between realistic expectations of people and unrealistic expectations. We can create all sorts of scenarios about what goes on inside the minds of others The best bet is probably to ask.
Hi Social Phobic,
That's good to hear. Normalization is a good thing.
@Jay, I think you need to read a few more blog pages....
Thank you for putting this up here, hearing other people talk about the crazy somehow normalizes it a little!
Jay has a great saying.
Negative thoughts always flood my mind even though I try to think of 3 positive thoughts to undo the negative. It's difficult!
Natasha, If you can battle the mind with your spirit, the mind will yeild.
Try this when the negative thought comes speak out loud: bless ______
lord. May good things come to _______ and let peace be with _______ and me. I forgive myself for harbaring negative thoughts about ______ or myself. I forgive ________ for shutting down our friendship.
In the blank space put your friend name. Do this every time you get that negative thought and it will stop tormenting you.