My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself
Kate White, our anxiety blogger here at HealthyPlace asked the question: what does a mental illness feel like? Well, that's a big question. I've been writing for years to answer it. In today's bipolar video though, I expose one facet of crazy that really ruins my day.
I Hate Myself
Depression makes you hate yourself. Not for everyone, I suppose, but for me, it does. So I'm constantly trying to convince myself I'm not the awful disgusting creature my bipolar brain, my crazy, keeps telling me I am.
Here I talk about how a tiny interaction with my friend inflames the crazy, and even though I can see the fire, it still burns.
My Irrational Bipolar Brain
Tracy, N. (2010, September 21). My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, September 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/09/video-everyday-life-makes-me-hate-myself
Author: Natasha Tracy
I start being mean and say hateful things so that my friends don;t come back. I use to have lots of friends but i don;t have any anymore. Even my oldest son hates me.
I am in the same boat as you.. I thought I was alone, but now that I read what your going through, it makes me feel better. I hate myself because I feel like I ruin everything for myself because I'm always depressed. I try to do things to fit in with ppl just to have friends because I feel so lonely.. I don't want to feel like everyone is so much more happier than me and that I'm the only one suffering in this world.
I'm glad you have learned you are not alone. That, in and of itself, is a powerful lesson that can help you a lot. I can completely understand you not wanting it to be true, but the first step in getting better is admitting we have a problem. Congratulations for taking the first step.
It sounds like you're feeling pretty hopeless right now. I understand. I feel like that sometimes. Many people do. In fact, many people who aren't even sick get overwhelmed that way sometimes.
But the disease is cyclical. You go down and you'll come up. It will get worse and it will get better. Meds won't work and then you'll find meds that do.
I understand the hopelessness. But there is more than darkness in your future. I know this because many, many of us have been there.
Hold on to someone else's hope if you can't hold on to your own.
Thanks for reaching out.
You are not the only one. You are not alone. You are in the throws of a mental illness right now. Things do get better.
No, you are not "mental". You are in need of help. A mental hospital can offer that help. Controlling anger is one thing that you can get help with. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar, then there are many other ways a mental hospital or mental health services can help as well.
You may have done some things you aren't proud of, all of us have, whether we have a mental illness or not. They may have been driven by your illness or they may not, but either way, that doesn't mean that today isn't the day you can turn your life around.
You need help now to get yourself moving in a positive direction. See a doctor. See a therapist. Get help now. Talk to someone. There are lots of people who care about you and want to help you get through this.
Here are some mental health resources:
Use them. Reach out. It won't get better until you ask for help. You are not alone.
There is still time to overcome. Give yourself a break.
Now I can't work, on disability AND 61 y.o. Approaching "retirement" ?
My problem was:
"distnguishing between realistic expectations of people and unrealistic expectations. We can create all sorts of scenarios about what goes on inside the minds of others The best bet is probably to ask."
If you ask you may reach a more realistic understnding.
Wish I had been able to overcome this. Really like people, but when in very close proximity, as bank taller, they get on my nerves big time, and I stress, go into anxiety attck mode. As in get away from me, I'm getting out of here. Fight or flight.
This applies to all social situations.
You should have worked at the Empire, their expectations are _all_ unreasonable :)
I agree, asking is the best idea. No one can read minds.
That's good to hear. Normalization is a good thing.
Thank you for putting this up here, hearing other people talk about the crazy somehow normalizes it a little!
Negative thoughts always flood my mind even though I try to think of 3 positive thoughts to undo the negative. It's difficult!
Try this when the negative thought comes speak out loud: bless ______
lord. May good things come to _______ and let peace be with _______ and me. I forgive myself for harbaring negative thoughts about ______ or myself. I forgive ________ for shutting down our friendship.
In the blank space put your friend name. Do this every time you get that negative thought and it will stop tormenting you.