Gay virgins prove that it's possible to separate the sex from the sexual orientation

"Honestly, as far as I know, I'm the only gay virgin in Buffalo," says Michael Empric, 24, who does public relations for the American Red Cross, drinks skim milk, doesn't smoke, loves TiVo and going to the gym, and was chosen as Gay.com's "Hottie of the Day" this past February. Empric dated women before he started coming out during his senior year of college, but he didn't have sex with them. "I never made the connection between the strong feelings I had for men and actually being gay," he says. That is, until he did an inventory of his enthusiasms and started doing the math. "I was like, 'Duh. I like shopping, and watching The Golden Girls. There's a pattern here.'"

The pattern of cultural passions that helped Empric come to understand that he is gay doesn't make him particularly unusual. Gay men and lesbians have used Bea Arthur, Barney's sales, mullet haircuts, and U-Haul trucks as touchstones of sexual identity for decades. But for gay people in previous generations, mastery of this pattern has generally been a by-product of sexual experience, a postcoital code learned in order to mark oneself as a member of the tribe. The reason they learned the code wasn't primarily to take on a gay or lesbian identity; it was to meet people with whom to have sex.

Recently, however, much of America has become increasingly fluent in gay culture, and that's helped a new generation of gay men and lesbians to come out and, in some cases, spend years developing a highly articulated gay identity--without having sex. This, of course, raises a couple questions: How do you know you're gay if you haven't had sex? And what constitutes virginity for gay people? In other words, is a gay man a virgin if he's had only oral sex? Is a lesbian a virgin if her hymen is intact?

These questions lead fairly quickly to lexical problems on the order of explaining what your definition of "is" is. Gay virginity is a highly unstable concept, and gay people who call themselves virgins often change their definition of the term as they proceed with sexual exploration. For Eric, a 24-year-old administrative assistant in San Francisco, virginity is correlated with desire. "I define virginity as not going to the furthest level that you want to go to," he says. "I consider myself a virgin because I haven't had anal sex, even though I want to." His gay virginity exists on a sliding scale, he explains. "There was a time a few years ago when I had no desire to have anal sex and I had done everything I wanted to do, so I didn't consider myself a virgin. At that point I didn't want to have anal sex. Now I do, yet I have not, so I consider myself a virgin again."

Don't expect women to simplify things. The classic physiological sign of women's virginity--an intact hymen--was rendered absurd by Title IX, which increased athletic opportunities for females. Countless girls--and women--have since lost it in the heat of a soccer match or on a particularly intense bike ride. And many lesbians consider the hymen to be utterly irrelevant to virginity, says Jim Maynard, who runs the GLBT Helpline and the Peer Listening Line at Fenway Community Health Center in Boston. To his knowledge, no lesbian has ever mentioned a hymen when calling the helpline's counselors to discuss the loss of her virginity. "It's passe," he says.

Going further, many would argue that the term "virginity" itself is useless to gay people. A spokesperson for the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center says no one on his medical or mental health staff has anything to say on the topic: "It's not a subject that has really come up for us." The center's executive director, Lorri Jean, adds, "I don't think that most people's gay identity is based on the sexual act. We are what we are, whether we're doing it or not."

Still, some lesbians and gay men believe they've successfully adapted the term to their own experiences. And they're practically unanimous in their decision to use "virginity" as a figurative description of isolation, the disappearance of which occurs when true intimacy is found.

Danyelle Thompson, 23, a senior at the University of Wisconsin at Oshkosh, says she came out five years before she lost her lesbian virginity, which she did a few months ago--an event she describes as "doing the most intimate thing that I could do with another person. For me personally, I felt that that was oral sex." Her bisexual girlfriend, Jes, 21, also a student at Oshkosh, says that when she first slept with a man, she believed she had lost her virginity. But her first same-sex sexual experience, with Danyelle, forced her to rethink virginity's definition. "I think losing it happens in some kind of episode or experience that's deeply intimate," she says. "I know it when I feel it."

Meanwhile, in Buffalo, Michael Empric is still waiting, for reasons that are perfectly clear to him. "I think many gay people seek happiness through relationships and having sex," he says. "I wanted to figure out who I was outside the context of a relationship, and being a virgin has forced me to become comfortable with myself."

He says most guys he meets respect his decision. "The number 1 thing guys say to me is, 'I really wish I had waited, and I respect what you're doing.' That's a good thing for me to hear, because sometimes you doubt yourself, like this is not what I should be doing. So much of the gay culture is focused on sex. To not be like that is tough sometimes. I hate to say it, but it's tough being an individual."

Ask him if he's looking forward to the day when those doubts are gone, and you can practically see the comic book balloons--Zounds! Barn! Boom!--go off in his heart. "Oh, of course! Absolutely! Without a doubt," he says. "It's definitely not like an 'I'm scared' thing or a nervous thing. Absolutely, I'm eagerly anticipating that day." Sooner or later, some guy will make the earth move for Empric, but until then he's happy being gay in a way that, to him, is no less sexual for being lexical.

Thought-stopping is a technique used to treat recurring negative thoughts in people with anxiety disorders and other mental health conditions. If you've ever experienced intrusive or repetitive thoughts, you'll know that it's not just the thoughts themselves that cause problems. Many of these thoughts become automatic, leading to feelings of helplessness, anxiety and altered behavior. It can be challenging to break the cycle of negative thoughts, which is where thought-stopping can prove helpful.

What is Thought-Stopping Therapy?

Thought-stopping techniques are often used in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help people deal with negative thought cycles and constant worrying. The basis of thought-stopping therapy is that once a negative thought arises, you should consciously issue a command for the thought to stop. The idea is that you then replace the thought with a more balanced or positive alternative.

Thought-stopping works for many people because it acts as a distraction from the negative thought, interrupting obsessive negative thoughts that tend to ruminate in the mind. Some people wear an elastic band they can ping against their skin to remind them to stop negative thought patterns, which can be helpful in the short-term.

Does Thought-Stopping Work?

Thought-stopping can be used successfully, but it is not advocated by all therapists. Some people find that trying to avoid negative thoughts only makes the thoughts stronger. Others find thought-stopping impossible. If you find that your negative thoughts are overwhelming, you may need to consult your doctor or therapist. This way, you will gain access to all of your treatment options and learn techniques to help you cope with challenging situations.   

Like all therapeutic techniques, thought-stopping should be overseen by a counselor or mental health professional; it is not something you should do without guidance. It also has to be combined with other strategies to be fully effective. In the meantime, however, there are many thought-stopping activities and exercises you can try at home.

Thought-Stopping Exercises to Try

The benefit of thought-stopping is that it makes you aware of unhelpful thought patterns and reminds you to stop and evaluate them. It can also give you a sense of control over your thoughts. However, thought-stopping alone is rarely successful. Once you’ve stopped a negative thought, you need to know what to do with it.

Here are some common thought-stopping CBT techniques:

Capture your thought: If you’re out of the house or at work, visualize yourself capturing the thought so you can work on it later. It’s helpful to write it down so you can remember it later.

Interrogate your thought: Stop your thought and take it to court. What business has it being in your head? Is there evidence to support what it is telling you? Is there another view that needs addressing?

Analyze your thought: Can you spot any unhealthy thought patterns, such as catastrophizing, personalizing or all or nothing thinking?

Talk to the thought: Imagine you are talking to a friend who has come to you with this problem. What would you say?

Create a thought-stopping worksheet: If you have time, write down your thought and dissect it. What kind of emotional and physical responses does it create? Can you spot any unhelpful beliefs in there, such as negative thoughts about yourself or the world? Where do they stem from?
 
While thought-stopping can change how you respond to automatic thoughts, it is not always the whole answer. Recurring negative thoughts can be symptomatic of an ongoing mental health condition which requires specific treatment ("Why Am I So Negative and Angry and Depressed?"). Negative thoughts can also arise due to environmental, or biological factors, so it is always best to discuss your symptoms with your health provider.

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Positive messages are instrumental in getting through a mental health crisis, whether the words come from professionals, loved ones, or from within. The trouble is, we’re not always armed with the right coping strategies for a mental health emergency. Sometimes, the symptoms creep up slowly. Other times, it feels like someone has flipped a switch overnight. Because a mental health crisis can occur at any time, it’s a good idea to always be prepared; to have a toolkit of healing, positive messages at the ready.

Preparing with Positive Messages from Others

The idea of preparing for a mental health crisis can feel uncomfortable. You might prefer to enjoy the time when you feel well and hope a relapse won’t happen. However, planning will help you cope better with your mental illness while equipping others with the means to support you.

Positive messages from loved ones are especially crucial during a mental health crisis. Therefore, it’s a good idea to make informal plans with your friends and family in case your mental health should decline. You can do this by discussing your needs with your support network in an advance, or by writing a letter to share during a time of need ("Guide to Developing A WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plan").

Practicing Positive Messages to Yourself

As well as receiving positive messages from others, you should also work on your inner coping skills. That way, you can learn to manage your own mental health when your support network is not available. To reap the benefits of positive self-talk, you must practice positive reminders and messages even when you’re not sick. Think of it like training for a marathon: you know there is a tough race ahead, so you must work on your endurance.

When you feel well, try practicing positive messages for depression and anxiety ("Ways of Being Positive When Anxiety Creates Negativity"). Why not set yourself up with positive messages for the day by repeating morning affirmations, or end your day with a positive journaling practice? You could also write positive mirror messages so that you take in positive statements each time you look at your reflection.

You might also want to try listening to podcasts or meditations in bed so that you absorb positive subliminal messages while you sleep. The Calm app is a useful tool for this. Another helpful strategy is to compile a “box for bad days” where you can keep quotes, phrases, cards and photographs that make you feel good.

If you get into the habit of caring for yourself when you’re well, it will be harder for you to break the routine when mental illness strikes.

Positive Messages for Today

If you’re in the midst of a mental health crisis, you may need positive messages today to help you feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here are some uplifting words to give you a mental boost.

“Every day may not be good… but there is something good in every day.”
 – Alice Morse Earl

“A ship is always safe at shore, but that is not what it’s built for.”
 – Albert Einstein

“Tough times don’t last, tough people do.”
 – Robert Schuller

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

“I will be stronger than my sadness.”
– Jasmine Wargi

Some of these positive messages will speak to you, some of them won’t, and that’s okay. When you’re feeling better, it’s a good idea to start keeping a note of all the inspirational quotes you find so you can read them on challenging days. Your positive messages can be kept in a notebook, positivity journal or even on your phone. Think of them as a tonic for the soul; words of comfort from those who have been there and come out the other side.

A Note on Professional Support

Positive words from loved ones can have incredible healing powers, but mental illness sometimes needs treatment, and your friends and family members aren’t qualified to advise you on this.

You can also seek out helplines, listening services and peer support groups in addition to consulting your doctor or therapist. Keep a list of phone numbers and support websites written down in a book (or saved in a computer folder) so you know where they are when you need them ("Mental Health Hotline Numbers and Referral Resources").

If you need immediate support in a mental health crisis, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 24 hours a day, at 1-800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line by texting 741741.

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Introduction

Being infected with HIV is no longer a death sentence. HIV is now looked on as a chronic manageable condition. However, having HIV is no picnic, either. Like diabetes, it can cause complications if not treated appropriately. The more you learn about HIV and how you can take an active role in treating it, the more likely it is that you will remain healthy and free of complications. To remain healthy will require your active participation.

Based on our knowledge of HIV and the treatments currently available, having HIV means being infected for the rest of your life. We are hopeful that research will lead to a cure for HIV, but that cure does not exist yet. There have been dramatic advances in the treatment of HIV during the past five years. These advances will, without a doubt, continue to develop at a very rapid pace. Although you may need to be on some type of treatment for a long time (perhaps for the rest of your life), the specific treatment you and your healthcare provider choose now will most likely change as we learn more about HIV, HIV treatments, new drugs, and new drug combinations.

Effective Management of HIV

After learning that you are HIV-positive, it is important to see you doctor regularly. This usually means every two to three months, though your initial visits may be more frequent than that. During this time you will learn a lot about HIV and treatment options that are appropriate for you. Also, during these initial visits you will learn about T cells, the immune system and your viral load. You will learn how these numbers are used to determine whether you should start treatment early or defer to a later date. Regardless of what choice you and your doctor make, it is important that you see your doctor regularly to monitor the state of your immune system. These visits to your doctor will also allow you to learn about new developments in the treatment of HIV.

When to Start HIV Treatment

Before you decide which treatment is appropriate for you, you will have blood tests done to determine whether it is recommended that you begin treatment now, or if you may safely defer treatment to a later date. The treatment guidelines have evolved and changed as we have learned more about HIV and response to treatment. For example, three years ago most experts agreed that anyone with HIV should be treated aggressively as soon as the diagnosis was made. This has been referred to as "Hit Hard, Hit Early." This one-size-fits-all approach is no longer applicable.

Blood tests will determine the number of T cells (the CD4 count) and the amount of virus (the viral load or HIV PCR RNA or HIV bDNA) in your blood. These numbers will help to determine whether it is safe for you to continue to be monitored without medication (antivirals or antiretrovirals) or whether you are at high risk of becoming sick from HIV and would benefit from starting these medications now

Choosing an Initial Antiviral Regimen

If you and your doctor agree that it is safe to monitor your blood tests without treatment, it is important that you have these blood tests done regularly. This means usually every three months.

If your numbers suggest that you should begin treatment, you and your doctor will discuss options that are available to you. There are many approved medications available and many others in advanced stages of research and development. These medications are used together in groups of three or four medications often referred to as a cocktail. It is important that your doctor be an expert in the use of these medications. You do not need to become an expert, but the more you learn about HIV and how these medications work to suppress HIV, the better you will do with treatment.

Adherence to treatment regimen is key to success
The most important thing you should understand at this point is that you must be ready to commit to HIV treatment exactly as prescribed by your doctor. If you start a treatment regimen but do not adhere to your prescribed medication schedule, the virus will have an opportunity to develop resistance to the drugs, and will not be completely suppressed in your body. It is extremely important that you understand this concept. If you do not understand what this means, or feel that you are not ready, you must discuss this with your doctor. You can easily do more harm than good if you do not take the medications as prescribed.

Learn About Side Effects of HIV Drugs

Each drug and each drug class has side effects that may occur shortly after starting the regimen. Many of these short-term side effects diminish within a few days or weeks of starting the regimen. Your doctor can give you important advice on how to manage these side effects. Some drugs have the potential to cause some serious side effects that can be life threatening. It is important that you be aware of the signs and symptoms that you must look for and report immediately to your doctor. These serious side effects are rare, and hopefully fear of them will not prevent you from starting therapy.

We are learning more about the long-term side effects of therapy as well. It is not clear whether some of these effects are due to HIV itself, one or more of the drugs, or a combination of both. Many people worry about these long-term effects. It is important that you discuss this with your doctor also. Clearly, allowing HIV to progress to AIDS is much more serious and life-threatening than any of these other side effects that may occur.

Get Vaccinated for Preventable Infections

Whether you start therapy or determine that it is okay for you to defer therapy, your doctor will recommend a series of vaccinations or immunizations. These are just like the shots you received as a child to prevent you from acquiring measles, mumps, tetanus, or other common viral infections. It is important that you receive these shots, as they help to prevent infections that could later tax your immune system or cause serious and life-threatening illnesses. This series of shots can take up to six months to complete. It is important to keep your appointments to receive these shots on time.

Take Precautions to Prevent Spreading HIV to Others

Once you know you have HIV, you will probably have questions about steps you can take to reduce the risk of spreading the HIV virus to other people. Your family, sexual partners, and roommates may have significant concerns about this also. You and your doctor will review safer sex guidelines. Sex can be difficult to talk about, but it is important that you understand safer sex guidelines, and ask any questions you may have. Sexual activities that result in the exchange of body fluids leading to a higher risk of transmitting HIV. Other sexual activities are less likely to transmit HIV. Your doctor should discuss safer sex practices with you in detail.

In addition to having safer sex, you must not share needles. Although controversial, needle exchange programs have gone a long way to reduce the spread of HIV in people who use IV drugs.

Since HIV is spread very easily through blood and blood products, anyone with HIV infection will not be able to donate blood.

There are many fallacies about how HIV is spread. For example, some people still believe that you can get HIV from someone by eating off of the same plate, using the same glass, or sitting on the same toilet seat. These are not ways that HIV is spread.

Keep Your Immune System Strong

A number of common-sense issues are important. Get plenty of rest, eat a well-balanced diet, and exercise regularly. Avoid excess amounts of alcohol, and if you smoke, you will do yourself a favor by stopping. There are medications that help increase your chances of stopping and "staying stopped." Ask your doctor if those medications are appropriate for you. Avoid the use of recreational drugs.

Take an Active Role in Treating HIV

Find a doctor or healthcare provider who you feel comfortable with. Realize that you will be living with HIV for the rest of your life. Prepare yourself to learn about HIV and HIV treatments. You do not need to devote your life to HIV unless you choose to. You cannot learn everything overnight. There are many sources of information about HIV. Find the ones that work best for you.

Find someone to talk to
Many people feel that they do not want anyone else to know that they have HIV. As time goes on however, most people do find at least one or two people that they feel they can trust. It is important to find support from someone. If not someone close to you, consider a support group or online group. Your doctor or social worker can often help you with finding support. These sources of support can help you feel less alone. It can be very reassuring to know that others have gone here before you.

Conclusion

HIV infection is now a manageable, chronic infection in many cases. The more you learn about HIV and the steps you can take to control it in your body, the more likely you will live a normal, healthy life.

Dr. Olmscheid is an Attending Physician and the Director of HIV/AIDS Education and Training at Saint Vincent's Hospital in New York.

Positivity mantras can be inspiring and healing when you’re dealing with mental illness. Whether you have a diagnosed mental health condition or you're just trying to banish negative thoughts, words can help connect you to your goals and aspirations. Science shows that mantras, when repeated often, can actually retrain your brain and help restore a healthier mindset. But what are positivity mantras and how do they promote mental health?

What Are Positivity Mantras?

Positivity mantras are repeated words or phrases that encourage positive thinking or assist meditation. Mantras and affirmations can be spoken, written down or repeated in the mind. Despite their religious origins, you don't have to hold spiritual beliefs to benefit from mantras – anyone can practice them to achieve a calmer, more positive mindset.  

According to the Annual Review of Nursing Research, mental health mantras can be used effectively to treat PTSD, reduce stress and even decrease blood pressure. Nurses describe manta repetition as a "quick, portable and private complementary practice,” applicable to various mental and physical health conditions.

Which Positivity Mantras Should You Practice?

When it comes to your positivity mantras, the word “should” doesn't enter the picture. Your mantra or positive affirmation can be anything that makes you feel good or restores a feeling of wellness. What's important is that your mantra helps restore mental wellbeing, so it must be personal to you.

That said, we could all use a little creative inspiration at times, especially during the fugue of depression or anxiety, so here are some positivity mantras to try:  

• “Keep your head up and your heart open.” Hailing from The Tiny Buddha, this mantra can be applied to almost any situation– good or bad. By keeping your head up and your heart open (even on your toughest mental health days), you remain open to love, compassion and new opportunities.
•  “A relaxed mind is a creative mind.” This positive mantra helps calm anxiety and stress, especially at work ("How to be More Positive at Work When Mental Illness Makes It Hard"). If you’re the type of person who is plagued by negative or anxious thoughts when you have a deadline looming, remember that your best ideas flow when you slow down and take care of yourself.
• “This too shall pass.” Perhaps one of the oldest adages in human history, no one knows the exact origin of this saying. However, its wisdom has been shared in many languages and cultures for centuries. Now, it serves as a reminder that no matter how bad you feel in the moment, everything has an endpoint.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to create a positivity mantra. There is also no guilt in borrowing someone else’s mantra, nor is this the time for perfectionism or judgment. Your mantra is a safe space for private reflection and positivity, just for you.

Positivity Mantras as Part of Your Daily Routine

It’s not always easy to stay positive, especially if you have a mental health condition. In fact, there will be times when repeating a mantra for positivity is the last thing you feel like doing – but this is exactly when positivity mantras are the most effective ("Positive Messages for a Mental Health Crisis").

Mantras as part of your daily routine will give you a safe space to fall. They’ll provide you with positive checkpoints to help you combat negative thinking. Whether you use them at a regular time – such as first thing in the morning or during your lunch break – or repeat them when you feel the need, mantras are like snacks for the mind: they’ll replenish your positivity stores when you feel down and depleted.

Of course, you can practice more than one positivity mantra at a time. Positive morning mantras can set you up for a good day, while sleep mantras will help you drift off at night. If you find your commute to work particularly stressful or you’re anxious at social gatherings, you can also create positivity mantras specifically for these events.

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Self-Injury and depression go hand-in-hand. Self-injury is known by many names, including self-harm, self-mutilation, and self-abuse. It may be referred to by specific ways of self-harm, such as cutting, burning, or banging.

Self-Injury transcends gender, age, religion, educational and income level. It may be accompanied by depression, and/or a range of psychiatric problems such as bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, addictions, eating disorders or psychotic disorders. The longer the self-harm and depression go unrecognized and untreated, the more disruptive it is to the sufferer's life and relationships and the more treatment-resistant it may become.

Relationship Between Self-Injury and Depression

• Self-Harm and Suicide: Can Self-Injury Lead to Suicide?
• How to Support Someone Who Is Suicidal
• Coping with Feelings and Thoughts of Suicide - Transcript

Help For Self-Harm and Depression

It's not unusual that untreated depression and other emotional problems lead to unhealthy ways in which people try and deal with the hurt. One of these ways is through self-harm. That's why it's so important to get help for self-harm and depression. Treating the depression and other mental health issues may be a big step in stopping self-harm behaviors.

• Symptoms of Depression
• Depression Test for Teenagers
• Depression Test for Adults
• Effects of Depression
• Depression Treatment
• Depression and Anxiety

Ever wondered how to get rid of negative thoughts and stop being negative? Many of us follow unhelpful thinking patterns for years without realizing how negativity hurts us or holds us back. Over time, these negative thoughts become automatic, making them difficult to override. For anyone wondering how to get rid of negative thoughts, this secret from cognitive behavioral therapists could be life-changing.

How to Get Rid of Negative Thoughts: The Secret

Negative thoughts can be all-consuming, affecting the way we perceive ourselves and the outside world ("Why Am I So Negative and Angry and Depressed?"). Ultimately, negativity can change the way we live our lives and treat others. Luckily, cognitive behavioral therapists know there is a secret to overcoming these unhelpful thinking patterns. If you’re wondering how to get rid of negative thoughts entirely, however, the secret is this: you can’t.

To explain in a little more detail, NATs (negative automatic thoughts) are, by their very nature, impulsive and involuntary. If it was a matter of just flipping a switch on your thoughts, you could do it, and CBT practitioners wouldn’t exist. The reason cognitive behavioral therapists don't try to erase negative thoughts is that it's not the thoughts themselves that are the problem – it is the way you respond to them. Therefore, the secret lies in identifying negative thoughts, learning how they hurt us, and changing our automatic responses.

Negative Automatic Thoughts: Why Are They So Persuasive?

If you’ve ever experienced a NAT, you will know that they usually contain a kernel of truth (or at least they appear to), so they are not easy to turn on and off. These thoughts affect you because they are not entirely implausible. Yes, it is possible that your spouse is home late because he has had an accident; no, your colleague at work might not like you; yes, your plane could crash – although how likely are any of these outcomes? The more you think them, however, the more convincing the thoughts become ("Negative Thoughts and Anxiety: Is There Anything That Helps?").  

Although the plausibility of each thought depends on context, we usually give NATs far more attention than they deserve. To draw on the examples above, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are these NATs helpful?
• Can we prevent a car accident or a plane going down by worrying about them?
• Can we assume someone doesn’t like us without having all the facts? Even if we’re right, can we change that person’s view of us by going over negative thoughts?

Unlike positive automatic thoughts (such as passing by a mirror and thinking you look nice) or neutral automatic thoughts (remembering you need to pick up bread), negative automatic thoughts are mostly unhelpful. In fact, they often prevent us from making rational decisions and make us neglect our best interests. Negative thoughts hurt us more than they heal us. The good news is, we can learn to change them.

How to Stop Being Negative

If you want to stop being negative, you will need to accept that you cannot prevent unwanted thoughts from entering your brain ("What Negative Thinking Patterns Should I Avoid?"). Once a negative thought is there, however, you can change your interpretation of it. Many of us treat our thoughts as though they are facts, but this is rarely the case. There is usually a more balanced perspective to be found to prevent negative thoughts from becoming negative emotions.

Here are some negative thought-stopping interventions to try:

Challenge your thoughts: Identify your negative thoughts and try to come up with some more realistic alternatives. For instance, it is far more likely that your spouse is stuck at work or that his phone has run out of battery than he was in an accident.

Analyze your core beliefs: Is there a common thread that runs through your negative thoughts, such as fear of abandonment or failure? If so, could this be linked to a core belief you have about yourself or about the world? Examples might be that you are fundamentally bad at tests or that people always leave you. Note down how often these thoughts and feelings occur.

Look for your critical incident: Examine your core beliefs and try to trace them back to a "critical incident." In CBT terms, your critical incident could be anything in your life that confirmed or re-confirmed one of your core beliefs. If you were abandoned by a parent, for example, this might lead you to the conclusion that no one you love will ever stick around. If you failed an exam in school or didn't get that job you wanted, you might always think that you are justified in feeling like a failure.

Overcoming negative thoughts is not about stopping them entirely. To draw on another vehicle example, if there is a problem with your car, a mechanic might be able to fix it or jump-start it temporarily, but if the root of the problem comes down to a manufacturing issue, the problem will reoccur until a thorough investigation has been performed. Likewise, learning how to get rid of negative thoughts will involve delving into your past to understand the basis of your thoughts, so you can change the way you respond to them in the future.

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Negative thinking patterns can become vicious cycles that are hard to break, however hard we try. For many of us, negative thoughts are unavoidable – or so we think. A degree of negativity can be useful. Feeling bad about a job or relationship is an indication that something in our life needs to change, for instance. However, most negative thinking patterns are unhelpful, leading to feelings of stress, anxiety and depression, without actually helping us solve the problem. So which negative thinking patterns should we avoid and how do we do it?

Identifying Negative Thinking Patterns and Emotions

Before you can change your thinking, you must learn to identify negative thinking patterns. What is important in this exercise, according to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) teachings, is learning to tell the difference between thoughts and emotions. This can be confusing because we often conflate thoughts and feelings as though they are one and the same.

For example, “I feel like my colleagues don’t like me” is not an emotion, despite the words “I feel” being expressed. A more accurate choice of words might be, “I feel like my colleagues don’t like me and it is making me feel sad and anxious.” (See: "How to Stop Thinking Negatively About Yourself")

CBT has been used to treat emotional problems and challenge unhelpful thinking patterns since the 1960s. It is based on the idea that the way we make sense of events affects how we feel and behave. In CBT, it is not the thoughts themselves that create the problems, otherwise, everyone would respond to negative thoughts in the same way. Instead, it is our learned emotional responses that determine our behavior.  

Negative Thinking Traps to Avoid

Although thoughts themselves can’t be changed overnight, the good news is that you can learn to avoid negative thinking traps by changing how you respond. The first step to breaking negative thinking patterns is to know which traps to avoid. Here are some common negative thinking styles.  

• All or nothing thinking
• Overgeneralizing
• Mind-reading
• Personalizing
• Jumping to conclusions
• Catastrophizing
• Disqualifying the positive
• Should/must/ought to

To use our previous example, “All my colleagues hate me” follows the following negative thinking patterns.

All or nothing: Some of your colleagues might like you, others might not. Some may be ambivalent. These truths are far more likely, but all or nothing thinking dictates that there is no middle ground.

Over-generalizing: You’re thinking in terms of all or none, similar to before. Some of your colleagues may dislike you, but that doesn’t mean they all do.

Mind reading / jumping to conclusions: Have your colleagues told you that they don’t like you? If not, you are assuming you can read their minds, which is unhelpful. One curt comment may have led you to the conclusion that no one in your office likes you – but how realistic is this?

The following unhelpful thinking patterns might also apply:

Catastrophizing: Again, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your colleagues may be in a bad mood because it's Monday, or perhaps you have done or said something that irritated them. That doesn't mean they all hate you. They could feel completely different tomorrow.  

Disqualifying the positive: It's likely that you're forgetting all the positive things your colleagues have ever said about you. Perhaps excluding the people who smiled at you as you made your way into work this morning. Instead, you're choosing to focus on those who made you feel bad, instead of having a balanced view.  

Personalizing: You're taking responsibility for your colleagues' rudeness or bad moods, assuming that their behavior must be due to you.  

Shoulds/musts/oughts: “All my colleagues hate me” could well lead on to other negative thoughts, such as, “I should have gone out for after-work drinks last night” or “I ought to make them coffee more often.”

Next time you have a negative thought, see how many of these unhelpful traps you can spot. Of course, context is important here, so not all of these negative thinking patterns will apply to your situation. Don't get too caught up labeling your thoughts; the idea is to identify unhelpful thoughts so that you can challenge them with the following questions.

Is your thought helpful or unhelpful?
Is there a more balanced or realistic view?
What evidence is there for this belief, and against it?
Are you likely to still feel this way in a year?

Right now, you're following the path of least resistance. You have always followed negative thinking patterns, so this is a difficult habit to break. Over time, however, and with practice, you can train your brain to take a different route – one with a far better view.

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When you have a mental illness, it often feels like there is a veil between you and the rest of the world, blocking positive thoughts from entering. However, this is not the case. Millions of people are walking around feeling exactly as you do. The key to breaking down these barriers that keep us locked in our negative thoughts is by making positive connections – to the world and to others. Positive thinking exercises can provide you with self-help techniques and coping strategies to make life with a mental illness a little easier. Here are some positive thoughts and exercises to give you a boost.

Are Positive Thoughts Possible When You Have a Mental Illness?

Yes, positive thoughts are entirely possible when you have a mental illness – just as they are when you have a physical ailment, such as the flu or a broken leg. However, it can be hard to break out of negative thought cycles when you have a mental health condition, however much you want to be positive ("Positive Reminders Help When Mental Health Is Challenging").

The first step toward accessing positive thoughts is to seek help for your condition. However much positive thoughts can help you treat your mental illness, they may not work on their own. People with mental health challenges often need treatment in the form of therapy, medication or a combination of the two. Other non-medical treatments include exercise, group therapy, art therapy and holistic remedies, depending on your condition. A treatment program should always be prescribed by your doctor or medical practitioner.

Adjusting Your Mindset for Positive Thoughts

The next step on your journey to positivity is to adjust your mindset. It’s important to remember that you are not your illness – that your mental health condition is something you have, not something you are. It doesn’t define you. In order to allow positive thoughts to enter your mind, you need to accept that happiness is not off-limits ("How to Create and Keep a Positive Mindset Despite Mental Illness").

In his bestselling memoir of anxiety and depression, Reasons to Stay Alive, the author Matt Haig argues that “It is possible to be a happy depressed person, just as it is possible to be a sober alcoholic.”

In other words, positive thoughts are not the opposite of depression, or any other mental health condition for that matter. It is possible to feel both – to be happy with your life, but still be depressed. It is also possible to feel no happiness at all, even during good times.

Tips for Welcoming Positive Thoughts

Positive thoughts are perhaps the greatest weapon you have during mental illness recovery.  Whether you feel sad, mad or – as is common with depression – a state of total numbness, a moment that puts a smile on your face should not be underestimated. It is these moments that carry us through, bringing a little light to those dark times.

The key is to feed your mind with positive thoughts and distract yourself from negative emotions. With this in mind, here are some tips for welcoming positive thoughts:

• Spend time with positive people: Although mental illness can be isolating, it’s important to surround yourself with positive people who will help and support you. You should try to limit your exposure to negative people wherever possible.
• Avoid negative news: Want more positive thoughts in life? Rather than reading or watching the news, which tends to focus on negative events, try reading positive thinking articles instead. To stay updated on current affairs, seek updates from positive news updates from sites like Upworthy or The Good News Network.
• Practice positive affirmations: Come up with a positive affirmation or research affirmations on Pinterest. Repeat this affirmation to yourself throughout the day (either in your head or out loud) or write it down in your journal ("What Positivity Mantras Promote Mental Health?").
• Practice positive thoughts in the morning: Many people who have mental health conditions find mornings the hardest. If you’re someone who wakes up feeling negative, try practicing positive thoughts when you first wake up. You could start your day with a positive affirmation such as, “I will find the good in today,” or “I am strong” ("What Positive Thoughts Can Help Mental Health Recovery?"). Alternatively, you could practice a loving-kindness meditation using an app like Calm or Headspace or do some morning pages in your positivity journal.

Positive Thoughts as Part of Your Daily Routine

Try to build at least some of these positive thinking exercises into your daily routine. It will require some practice, and you may need to be disciplined with yourself to make sure you keep up the habit. Remember that positive thinking is not a passive pursuit: you will have to work on your mind to change the way it operates. However, you will soon see that the benefits of positive thoughts are worth the effort.

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What Are The Issues?

When you test positive for HIV, it can be difficult to know who to tell about it, and how to tell them.

Telling others you have HIV can be good because:

• You can get love and support to help you deal with your health.
• You can keep your close friends and loved ones informed about issues that are important to you.
• You don't have to hide your HIV status.
• You can get the most appropriate health care.
• You can reduce the chances of transmitting the disease to others.

Telling others you have HIV may be bad because:

• Others may find it hard to accept your health status.
• Some people might discriminate against you because of your HIV.
• You may be rejected in social or dating situations.

You don't have to tell everybody. Take your time to decide who to tell and how you will approach them. Be sure you're ready. Remember, once you tell someone, they won't forget you are HIV-positive.

General Guidelines

Here are some things to think about when you're considering telling someone that you're HIV-positive:

• Know why you want to tell them. What do you want from them?
• Anticipate their reaction. What's the best you could hope for? The worst you might have to deal with?
• Prepare yourself. Inform yourself about HIV disease. You may want to leave articles or a hotline phone number for the person you tell.
• Get support. Talk it over with someone you trust, and come up with a plan.
• Accept the reaction. You can't control how others will deal with your news.

Special Situations

People You May Have Exposed to HIV:
It can be very difficult to disclose your status to sexual partners or people you shared needles with. However, it is very important that they know so they can decide to get tested and, if they test positive, get the health care they need. The Department of Health can tell people you might have exposed, without using your name.

Employers:
You may want to tell your employer if your HIV illness or treatments interfere with your job performance. Get a letter from your doctor that explains what you need to do for your health (taking medications, rest periods, etc.). Talk with your boss or personnel director. Tell them you want to continue working, and what changes may be needed in your schedule or workload. Make sure they understand if you want to keep your HIV status confidential.

People with disabilities are protected from job discrimination under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). As long as you can do the essential functions of your job, your employer can not legally discriminate against you because of your HIV status. When you apply for a new job, employers are not allowed to ask about your health or any disabilities. They can only legally ask if you have any condition that would interfere with essential job functions.

Family Members:
It can be difficult to decide whether to tell your parents, children, or other relatives that you are HIV-positive. Many people fear that their relatives will be hurt or angry. Others feel that not telling relatives will weaken their relationships and may keep them from getting the emotional support and love that they want. It can be very stressful to keep an important secret from people you are close to.

Family members may want to know how you were exposed to HIV. Decide if or how you will answer questions about how you got infected.

Your relatives may appreciate knowing that you are getting good health care, that you are taking care of yourself, and about your support network.

Health Care Providers:
It's your decision whether or not to tell a health care provider that you have HIV. If your providers know you have HIV, they should be able to give you more appropriate health care. All providers should protect themselves from diseases carried in patients' blood. If providers are likely to come in contact with your blood, you can remind them to put gloves on.

Social Contacts:
Dating can be very threatening for people with HIV. Fear of rejection keeps many people from talking about their HIV status. Remember, every situation is different and you don't have to tell everybody. If you aren't going to be in a situation where HIV could be transmitted, there's no need to tell. Sooner or later in a relationship, it will be important to talk about your HIV status. The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets.

An HIV-Positive Child's School:
It is best to have good communication about your child's HIV status. Meet with the principal and discuss the school's policy and attitude on HIV. Meet with the nurse and your child's teacher. Be sure to talk about your child's legal right to confidentiality.