Taking Care of Yourself

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Do you think you know Michael Jackson well?
How about Bill Clinton?
Oprah Winfrey? Julia Roberts? Adolph Hitler?

We think we know these famous people quite well even though we've never even shared a cup of coffee with them. They are too well known to be understood.

The same thing happens with popular ideas.

In the United States, for instance, we think we know all about what a democracy is. We even think we live in one (while we actually live in a republic). Democracy is too well known to be understood.

In psychology, "self-care" is like big celebrities and grand ideas. It's too well known to be understood.

SELF-CARE

Self-care means always taking full responsibility for our own safety and warmth.
Each part of this definition needs to be looked at carefully.

ALWAYS?

Since we are the only person who is always with us, we need to ALWAYS be our own caregiver.

FULL RESPONSIBILITY?

It is wise and healthy to allow good people to take care of us sometimes.

It feels great to imagine that someone else is fully in charge of our care.

But if their mood changes dramatically or if they get called away suddenly we need to know immediately that we can continue to feel safe and warm on our own.

We only imagined that they were fully in charge of our care. They were just a temporary substitute for our own good internal parent.

We were always fully responsible ourselves.


 


SAFETY AND WARMTH?

How do we know when we are safe enough and warm enough?

It would be accurate to simply say "we know it when we feel it," but for a more complete understanding we need to think about when we were infants.

Adults need to feel just as safe and warm as infants do. To feel safe, we need enough-but-not-too-much food, air, heat, water, exercise, rest, and elimination.

Of course, we also need to be away from physical danger.

And to feel warm we need plenty of kind attention.

SAFETY?

Feeling safe seems a lot more complicated when we get older.

Driving a car, violence in the culture, physical addictions, and many other aspects of adult life must be handled.

But all of these can be covered under one umbrella: Do we want to live and do we want to live well?

If we are certain, down deep, that we want both of these things we will almost always be able to find a way to stay safe from real threats.

Our survival instinct is enormously strong.

WARMTH?

Getting emotional warmth in adult life also seems more complicated.

Most of us think that getting enough warmth isn't our job, it's the job of our closest friend or our primary partner.


This thinking comes naturally from our experience of being a small child, and it needs to be changed when we grow up.

Our closest friend and primary partner in adulthood is our self! It is our own job now to find enough good people to get close to.

If we don't do it, it won't get done.

SAFETY OR WARMTH?

Once in a while we will have to choose between safety and warmth.

The most common example is when we live with someone who threatens violence.

Another very different example is when we are angry at our children for dangerous play. Regardless of the reason for the conflict between safety and warmth, we must always choose safety.

If your partner is violent, get away from them - regardless of how warm they are at other times.
If your kids are playing in traffic, scream at them to get the hell back in the yard - regardless!


 


SELF-CARE PROBLEMS WE ALL HAVE

Even if we had excellent parents who kept us safe and warm ninety-five percent of the time, we still need to learn how to do it for ourselves, and how to keep improving as our circumstances change.

And when we are tired or sick or lonely or feeling weak in any other way, we will notice at least a little resentment about having to do it ourselves.

But most of us quickly accept that we do have to do it, and we do what we need to do.

SELF-CARE PROBLEMS MANY PEOPLE HAVE

Many people had parents who neglected, abused, or continually shamed and terrified them.

They may never have felt well taken care of as a child, even for an instant.

Although they somehow found a way to survive, they did not get what they needed to thrive.

As adults, they deeply resent having to be their own internal parent, and they aren't good at it.

They still need someone who feels like a good parent to them.

And when parent-starved people receive enough safety and warmth from parent substitutes (usually an extremely loving partner, a patient and caring therapist, or both), they actually become better at taking care of themselves than those who had good parents to start with!

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: The Basics

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). Taking Care of Yourself, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/taking-care-of-yourself

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

More Sex Truths About Men: Lust and Lucky

women and sex

A man often feels in love when he is really only in lust. He then declares this lust-love too early in the relationship for the woman involved. What does this quick declaration of love (lust) accomplish? It scares the woman rather than enhancing the budding relationship. The woman fears any man who could fall in love that quickly will be just as quick to fall out of love.

One man told me he always starts a date by deciding if he just wants a roll in the hay or if he is interested in a little longer relationship. This decision determines his actions.

Men can easily engage in sex without love or commitment. "Getting lucky" is considered a desirable state by men. It often doesn't even matter who they "get lucky" with.

Since men use sex as the road to make an emotional connection as well as totally divorcing sex from emotional connections, and women use emotional connections as the road to sex, some serious translating is needed when it comes to sex in our society.

Remember

Both men and women should remember this: when you feel you are right and he/she is wrong, and you degrade the other person for his/her feelings about sex, you block almost any chance of forming an intimate relationship with the opposite sex.

Women can take comfort in the fact that men act in stereotype, masculine ways to feel more secure about their masculinity. They do not act in masculine ways merely to frustrate women.

One thing men don't handle too well is rejection. I'm talking sexual rejection.

 


 


next: Men and Sexual Rejection

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). More Sex Truths About Men: Lust and Lucky, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/sex-truths-about-men-lust-and-lucky

Last Updated: April 9, 2016

Sex Truth about Men That Women Rarely Understand: Fantasy, Masturbation

women and sex

Although the spread is narrowing, there are some basic sexual differences with men and women that make it very hard for women to understand men and sex and vice versa. Bearing in mind there is always that scope for individual variety, here are some almost universal truths about men that women most often fail to understand:

Most men have times when they just want sex for the physical sake of sex itself without the entanglement of a relationship. Sometimes a man just wants a woman's body. She can be asleep or drunk or even watching television; he doesn't even care.

There was an expression during World War II that explains this thought process: "Throw a flag over her face and do it for Old Glory!"

Women often wonder, "Why would a man pay for sex when it is easily obtained for free in our society?" The fact is that the man will pay because he is only interested in "getting in and getting out," quickly, and without any other involvement. This way of thinking is practically incomprehensible to a woman.

But even more incomprehensible to a woman is that a man can have sex with a woman he does not love at noon and then expect sex from a woman he does love in the same afternoon. Women can not understand this total separation and then total merger of sex and love.

There is another reason men can divorce sex and love. Males reach the peak of their sexual energy in their teens.


 


This means males seek sex long before they are mature enough for any enduring intimacy or relationship to form. Thereafter, for many years, or at least until a man's sexual vigor wanes with age, this high sexual energy threatens to disrupt any relationship that does form.

How many times has a man told you he's in love with you ... on the first date?

next: More Sex Truths About Men: Lust and Lucky

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). Sex Truth about Men That Women Rarely Understand: Fantasy, Masturbation, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/men-sex-truth-women-dont-understand-fantasy-masturbation

Last Updated: April 9, 2016

Men, Sex and Feelings

women and sex

Women are probably even more of a puzzle to men than men are to women.

Even though women are important to men, they live in this mysterious other world of menses and babies and rampant emotions and even tears that men can't or don't want to understand.

This man who is notoriously poor at figuring out his own feelings is even worse at figuring out the feelings of a woman. Just deciding what a woman wants from him in general is fraught with danger.

Many men see sex, though, as a way to get close to women, and possibly, even a way to please them. The fact that they are usually wrong, of course, doesn't stop a man from thinking sex can make everything right with his woman. A cure-all of great proportions... "All she needs is a good f___ ," is a common solution to male/female problems for many men.

Very seldom is that what she needs but that is another story...

 


 


next: Sex Truth about Men That Women Rarely Understand: Fantasy, Masturbation

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). Men, Sex and Feelings, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/men-sex-and-feelings

Last Updated: April 9, 2016

About Levitra

About LEVITRA

LEVITRA is an FDA-approved oral prescription medication for the treatment of erectile dysfunction (ED) in men. It is available in 2.5 mg, 5 mg, 10 mg, and 20 mg tablets and is taken only when needed. Take LEVITRA no more than once a day.

What LEVITRA does:

LEVITRA helps increase blood flow to the penis and may help men with ED get and keep an erection satisfactory for sexual activity. Once a man has completed sexual activity, blood flow to his penis should decrease and his erection should go away.

LEVITRA has been clinically shown to improve erectile function even in men who had other health factors, like diabetes or prostate surgery.

LEVITRA provided first time success and reliable improvement of erection quality for many men. Men reported having harder erections and improved overall sexual experiences.

LEVITRA works:

In major clinical trials in the general ED population, LEVITRA improved the quality of erections for a majority of men.

A lot of guys who took LEVITRA were satisfied the first time they tried it.

It's for the guy who needs a little help once in a while and the guy who needs more frequent help.


 


LEVITRA safety and side effects

Do not take LEVITRA if you:

  • Take any form of medication known as "nitrates" (a type of medicine used to relieve chest pain that can occur as a result of heart disease). Taking LEVITRA in combination with nitrates (such as nitroglycerin, isosorbide mononitrate, and isosorbide dinitrate) may result in serious side effects.
  • Take medicines called "alpha-blockers" (sometimes prescribed for prostate problems or high blood pressure). Taking LEVITRA with alpha-blockers may drop your blood pressure to an unsafe level.
  • Your doctor determines that sexual activity poses a health risk for you.
  • You have a known sensitivity or allergy to any component of LEVITRA.

LEVITRA provided first time success and reliable improvement of erectile function for many men. More information here.The most common side effects with LEVITRA are:

  • Headaches
  • Flushing S
  • tuffy or runny nose

LEVITRA may uncommonly cause:

  • An erection that won't go away (priapism). If you get an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, get medical help right away. Priapism must be treated as soon as possible or lasting damage can happen to your penis including the inability to have erections.
  • Vision changes, such as seeing a blue tinge to objects or having difficulty telling the difference between the colors blue and green.

These are not all the side effects of LEVITRA. For more information, ask your doctor or pharmacist.

LEVITRA should not be taken more than once a day. Your doctor can advise you whether LEVITRA is appropriate for you and can select a dose that is right for you.

Remember, LEVITRA does not protect you or your partner from sexually transmitted diseases including HIV. Before using LEVITRA, you should tell your doctor about any medical problems you have and all medications you are currently taking.

How LEVITRA works

The active ingredient in LEVITRA works specifically on the chain of events that occur in the penis during arousal.

LEVITRA belongs to a class of drugs called "PDE-5 inhibitors." It works by increasing blood flow to the penis to improve erectile function.

In clinical trials, LEVITRA was shown to help men get and keep an erection for successful intercourse.

LEVITRA won't cause an embarrassing, instant erection. For most men, LEVITRA did not cause an erection for longer than they were sexually stimulated.


Clinical proof that LEVITRA works

In an extensive clinical trial program that included more than 50 trials and involved more than 4,400 men with erectile dysfunction (ED), the results of one or more of these clinical trials showed:

  • LEVITRA provided first time success and reliable improvement of erectile function for many men.
  • In a broad patient population, LEVITRA helped up to 85% of men with erectile dysfunction achieve improved erections.
  • Men reported having harder erections and improved overall sexual experiences.
  • What's more, LEVITRA has been clinically shown to improve erectile function even in men who had other health factors, like diabetes or prostate surgery.

Men taking nitrate drugs, often used to control chest pain (also known as angina), should not take LEVITRA. Men who use alpha-blockers, sometimes prescribed for high blood pressure or prostate problems, also should not take LEVITRA. Such combinations could cause blood pressure to drop to an unsafe level.

 


 


next:

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). About Levitra, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/treatment/about-levitra

Last Updated: April 7, 2016

The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light.

A letter to an old friend in Taos, New Mexico who I had not been in touch with in several years

Dear _____,
Since you have not been online and don't get the Newsletters for my web site or the e-mail bulletins I send out to certain friends, I guess the best way to bring you up to date on what has been happening in my life is to share some of the things I have written with a little commentary in between quoting myself. It will give me an opportunity to process it through once again.

I have recently had a glorious, amazing adventure in relationship.

On December 7th I sent out an e-mail to certain friends - I sometimes send out messages that either Proclaim my Joy in the moment (to overcome the old tape that says if I tell anyone it will screw things up / God will get me for being too happy) or when I have come to a new insight (i.e. when I realized that deep, deep down I had a old tape that said that money would corrupt me) and want to counteract the old tape with an affirmation to the Universe through my friends. So, anyway this is what I sent out on the 7th. (I am using some different colors to hopefully make it a little easier to follow, and I have made a few slight changes to these quotes so that they make sense without having to quote whole other sections.)

"I just replied to an e-mail from a friend and then got the hit that I should share the message that I sent with other friends. As in the past, when I have shared gratitude, grief, feelings of deprivation with certain friends via e-mail as away of honoring, thanking, requesting, affirming, and generally communicating with the Universe by sharing with those I feel close to - I am here today proclaiming my incredible GRATITUDE for the Twelve Step Principles and Recovery Program and utter AMAZEMENT for how Wonderful, Exciting, and Glorious this Life Adventure is on my Spiritual Path.

I AM A MAGNIFICENT SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A JOYOUS HUMAN ADVENTURE.


continue story below

Here is my message:

Nothing much happening here.
Things have been very busy - in a really wonderful, fulfilling away. If you read my newsletter you know that I have reached a really wonderful new plateau of being free to be Happy and Joyous today no matter what is happening on the outside. And as I also said in my newsletter - this too shall pass into something different.

Well, it passed and now things just got more busy, complicated, and simple because I have gotten involved in a relationship - pretty amazingly wonderful. Certainly is screwing up my intimate relationship with my computer - am now taking time for long walks on the beach, and talks and such. I think perhaps I may be in the process of getting a real life here!

My friends I am very Happy, Excited, and Ecstatically Joyous to let you know that I am in Love (and like, and lust, and respect, and Spiritual connection with) and so is my new Magnificently Powerful Friend ____ (with me even!) - AMAZING - the absolutely perfect woman for me right now has appeared and is maybe even the one I have been dreaming of my whole life. (That future stuff is none of my business right now - it falls into the More Will Be Revealed category)

Miraculous.

On a Saturday (November 7th) I replied by e-mail to a good friend who is getting married on New Years Eve - that given my recent history the chances of me having a date for the wedding were almost nil but that I did believe in miracles. The next day I went to a Metaphysical church that I was going to be speaking at, and met and spoke for a few moments to the incredibly talented, wonderfully intelligent, very beautiful woman who sang during the service - the following day I told my friend I would be having a date for the wedding."

Interestingly enough, after telling my friend that I would have a date for the wedding - I let it go. At the service I had to struggle to keep my eyes off of this woman - not in the sense of just staring at a beautiful woman, but in the sense of being surprised that she was there. "Where did she come from?" "Who is she?" "What is she doing here?" I kept looking at her trying to remember who she was - although I knew that I had never seen her before. She kept looking at me, also in the same kind of way (I observed this at the time and she confirmed it later.) We spoke briefly after the service as she asked me what music I would like for the Sunday in two weeks in which I would be doing the service. She also included me in an invitation to go hear some music that afternoon with some other people from the church. I declined because I had work to do on my web site and because it wasn't time to be with her yet - this last part is something I just got aware of as I am writing this. I had that feeling at the time - but didn't understand it and forgot it almost immediately.

I spoke to her on the phone later that week about the music - and then the following week when I asked her if she would like to get a cup of coffee or something and spend some time together. We set a date for Saturday night - I was specifically not going to mention the word date to her in order to not scare her off - she said something about not having a date for some months and then I did ask her specifically for a date. I ended up canceling our date for Saturday night and rescheduling it for Sunday after the service that I was doing at the church. I had to postpone to get my Newsletter finished and sent off before I left on that Monday to spend Thanksgiving week in Phoenix. I sent my Newsletter off early in the morning of November 22nd - later that afternoon, we had our first date.


In my Newsletter I said:

". . . The next major change is that I have put a link to my question and answer pages on my Home Page for the first time. When I first started doing the question and answer pages a few months ago I only gave the address out to you all on my mailing list. I was a little leery about making them available to the general public for several reasons:

  1. I talk about some pretty controversial stuff from aperspective that can be upsetting to some people. I was working on the page about Jesus and Mary Magdalene at that time and was not sure I wanted to put it out there for everyone to see. As it turns out I am very proud of that page - I personally think it is quite Masterful - and I feel sorry for anyone who reads it with such a closed mind or rigid belief system that they would feel the need to react negatively. Also, though in the past I have found myself showing great resistance to being out there in front as a target - I have now come to such a level of acceptance that it would even be ok if they burned me at the stake again - I want all of the Karma settled, whatever that takes.
  2. I have been scared to death that my book editor Heidi, who lives in New Mexico, would discover them and what she would do would probably be worse than burning at the stake. In explanation of what I am talking about - here is the disclaimer that I just placed at the top of some my pages:

[Beware: if you are an editor or grammar teacher please be forewarned that I have been writing these newsletters and Q & A pages very casually with little or no thought given to punctuation and grammar - including allowing myself to end sentences with prepositions. (My excuse is that it is hard to write in html - but in truth I am enjoying the chance just to be casual.) - You can look at this page as a wonderful opportunity for you to practice letting go and acceptance.] ;-)

So now I have so much courage and faith that I am not only willing to face the angry mob again - but also to face Heidi if I have to. (One of those prepositions - oh well.) The index page for the question and answer pages is now out there for the world to see - so More Will Be Revealed.


continue story below

next: An Adventure in Love - Loving and Losing Successfully

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light., HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/joy2meu/amazing-magnificent-miraculous-magical-fiery-eruption-of-joy-a-love-a-dazzling-light

Last Updated: August 7, 2014

Taking Back Control of Your Life

Many who experience psychiatric symptoms or traumatic things feel they have no control over their own lives. Steps to taking back control of your life.In my studies, I have found that many people who experience psychiatric symptoms or have had traumatic things happen to them feel that they have no power or control over their own lives. Control of your life may have been taken over when your symptoms were severe and you were in a very vulnerable position. Family members, friends and health care professionals may have made decisions and taken action in your behalf because your symptoms were so intrusive you couldn't make decisions for yourself, they thought you wouldn't make good decisions or they didn't like the decisions you made. Even when you are doing much better, others may continue making decisions in your behalf. Often, the decisions that are made for you and the resulting action are not those you would have chosen.

Taking back control of your life by making your own decisions and your own choices is essential to recovery. It will help you to feel better about yourself and may even help you to relieve some of the symptoms that have been troubling to you.

There are several things you can do to begin this process. You can do these things in whatever way feels right to you. You may want use a journal to list or write your thoughts and ideas as a way to stay focused on what it is you want, to motivate yourself and to record your progress.

1. Think about what you really want your life to be like. Do you want to:

  • go back to school and study something of special interest to you?

  • enhance your talents in some way?

  • travel?

  • to do a certain kind of work?

  • have a different home space or to own your home?

  • move to the country or the city?

  • have an intimate partner?

  • have children?

  • work with an alternative health care provider on wellness strategies?

  • make your own decisions about treatment?

  • stop putting up with disabling side effects?

  • become more physically active?

  • lose or gain weight?

You can probably think of many more ideas. Write them all down. You may want to keep them in a journal.

2. List those things that have kept you from doing the things you wanted to do in the past. Perhaps it has been lack of money or education. Maybe your symptoms have been too severe. Maybe your treatment makes you lethargic and "spacey". Maybe someone in your life insists on making your decisions for you.

Then write down ways you could work on resolving each of the problems that keep you from doing the things you want to do and being the kind of person you want to be. As you do this, remind yourself that you are a intelligent person. You may have been told that you are not intelligent because you have a "mental illness". Experiencing psychiatric symptoms does not meant that your intelligence is limited in any way. You have the ability to find ways to resolve problems and to work on resolving them. You can resolve these problems slowly or quickly. You can take small steps or big steps--whatever feels right and is possible for you. But you must do it if you want to take back control of your life.

In the process of taking control of your own life, you may need to change the nature of your relationship with some of the people in your life. For instance, instead of your doctor telling you what to do, you and your doctor would talk about your options and you would choose the ones that felt best to you. You may need to tell a parent or spouse that you will make your own decisions about where you will live, what you will do and who you will associate with. You may have to tell a sibling who has been overprotective that you can take care of yourself now.

3. Know your rights and insist that others respect these rights. If your rights are not respected, contact your state agency of protection and advocacy (every state has one--you can find it under the state listings in your phone book or by calling the office of the governor).

Your rights include the following:

  • I have the right to ask for what I want.

  • I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.

  • I have the right to change my mind.

  • I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

  • I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

  • I have the right to express all of my feelings, both positive or negative.

  • I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.

  • I have the right to determine my own priorities.

  • I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems.

  • I have the right to expect honesty from others.

  • I have the right to be angry.

  • I have the right to be uniquely myself.

  • I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."

  • I have the right to say "I don't know."

  • I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

  • I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

  • I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

  • I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

  • I have the right to be healthy.

  • I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.

  • I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

  • I have the right to change and grow.

  • I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

  • I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

  • I have the right to be happy.

These rights have been adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1995).

4. Educate yourself so that you have all the information you need to make good decisions and to take back control of your life. Study resource books. Check out the internet. Ask people whom you trust. Make your own decisions about what feels right to you and what doesn't.

5. Plan your strategies for making your life the way you want it to be. Figure out the best way for you to get what it is that you want or to be the way you want to be. Then start working at it. Keep at it with courage and persistence until you have reached your goal and made a dream come true.

A Possible First Step

One timely way you could choose to begin the process of taking back control of your life is to get involved in the upcoming election. You could begin by thinking about and listing the political issues that are most important to you. They may include things like mental and physical health care, the cost of medications, disability benefits, housing, human services, social justice, the environment, education and employment. Jot down some notes about action you would like to see your community, state or the federal government take in regard to these issues. Then study the candidates. Find out which candidates most closely support your view on these issues and will best be able to create favorable change. Then register before November so you can VOTE for that person or those people.

In addition, if you feel ready, you could become further involved if you choose to by:

  • contacting groups that are concerned with the issues that you care about--ask them for information, volunteer to assist them in their efforts.

  • talking to family members, friends, neighbors and co-workers about your views and the candidates you support - -encouraging them to vote for the candidates you prefer.

  • letting others know about your preferences through bumper stickers, campaign buttons and lawn signs.

  • writing a letter to the editor of your newspaper to share your views or calling in on radio talk shows.

  • volunteering to work at the polls, or to work for a particular candidate.

Whether your candidates win or lose, you will know you did the best you could and that through your efforts more people are now informed about the issues. You may even decide that you want to run for office.

next: You May Be Depressed! What Do You Do Now?
~ back to Mental Health Recovery homepage
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). Taking Back Control of Your Life, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/taking-back-control-of-your-life

Last Updated: June 20, 2016

ADHD Students and Getting Ready for College

Help and advice for high school students with ADHD wanting to enter college.

Developing Self Knowledge

Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities, college advisors, as well as campus Disability Support Services staff agree that developing knowledge about one's self - the nature of one's ADHD or learning disabilities as well as one's personal and academic strengths and weaknesses is vital in getting ready for college.

Students need to become familiar with how they learn best. Many successful students with ADHD or learning disabilities acquire compensatory learning strategies to help them use the knowledge they have accumulated, to plan, complete and evaluate projects, and to take an active role in shaping their environments. They need to learn how to apply strategies flexibly, and how to modify or create strategies fluently to fit new learning situations. For example, compensatory strategies may include:

  • allowing more time to complete tests, papers, and other projects
  • listening to audio tapes of text books while reading
  • making up words to remind students to use the knowledge they have

For example:

  • F.O.I.L. (First Outer Inner Last) to remember the sequence of steps in solving algebra problems when in school
  • P.A.L. (Practice Alert Listening) when talking with friends and family, at work, and in school
  • U.S.E. (Use Strategies Every day)

All students learn from experience. Those with ADHD or learning disabilities need to exercise their judgment, make mistakes, self- identify them, and correct them. Learning new information in a new setting, such as a college classroom or dormitory, can be frustrating. Setbacks are an inevitable part of the learning process, but can impair self-esteem, which is essential to taking responsibility for one's life. Self-esteem is built and rebuilt one day at a time. Students need explicit strategies to monitor and restore their self-esteem.

Some students have difficulty understanding or making themselves understood by their peers, families, and instructors. For example, some ADHD symptoms or learning disabilities may affect timing in conversations, or decisions about when to study and when to socialise. Students need to really think about how motivated they are. They should ask themselves these questions:

  • Do I really want to go to college and work harder than I ever did before?
  • Am I really ready to manage my social life?

In order to gain self knowledge check out the following ideas:

Become familiar with one's own difficulties. Since the professional documentation of the ADHD problems or learning disability is the vehicle for understanding one's strengths and weaknesses it is essential that each student has a full and frank discussion about that documentation with his or her parents as well as the psychologist or other expert who assessed the student. Students may want to ask questions such as:

  • What is the extent of the disability?
  • What are my strengths? How do I learn best?
  • Are there strategies that I can use to learn despite these disabilities?

Learn to be "self-advocates" while still in high school! Self-advocates are people who can speak up in logical, clear and positive language to communicate about their needs. Self-advocates take responsibility for themselves. To be a self-advocate, each student must learn to understand his or her particular type of learning disability, and the resultant academic strengths and weaknesses. They must be aware of their own learning styles. Most importantly, high school students with ADHD or learning disabilities need to become comfortable with describing to others both their difficulties and their academic-related needs. At the college level, the student alone will hold the responsibility for self-identification and advocacy.

Practice self-advocacy while still in high school. Many students with ADHD or learning disabilities develop self-advocacy skills through participating in the discussions to determine the Individualised Education Program (IEP) and/or the Individualised Transition Plan (ITP). Armed with knowledge about learning strengths and weaknesses, the student can be a valued member of the planning team.

Develop strengths and learn about areas of interest. Students with ADHD or learning disabilities, as do others, often participate in sports, music, or social activities after school. Others try working in a variety of jobs or community volunteer projects. Activities in which a student can excel can help to build the self-esteem necessary to succeed in other areas.

ADHD and Understanding Legal Rights and Responsibilities

Recent legislation protects the rights of people with disabilities. In order to be effective self advocates, students need to be informed about this legislation. It is especially important to know about the Disability and SEN Act. High school students with ADHD or learning disabilities must understand their rights under Disability and SEN Act The school is responsible for identifying students with disabilities, for providing all necessary assessments, and for monitoring the provision of special education services. These special education services, which are described in detail in a student's Individualised Education Program (IEP) and Individualised Transition Plan (ITP), could significantly alter the requirements of the "standard" high school academic program.

The Disability and SEN also applys to higher education. Colleges and universities do not offer "special" education. Colleges and universities are prohibited from discriminating against a person because of disability. Institutions must provide reasonable modifications, accommodations, or auxiliary aids which will enable qualified students to have access to, participate in, and benefit from the full range of the educational programs and activities which are offered to all students on campus. Examples which may assist students with learning disabilities include, but are not limited to, the use of readers, note takers, extra time to complete exams, and/or alternate test formats.

Decisions regarding the exact accommodations to be provided are made on an individualised basis, and the college or university has the flexibility to select the specific aid or service it provides, as long as it is effective. Colleges and universities are not required by law to provide aides, services, or devices for personal use or study.




Understanding the Changes in Level of Responsibility

Students with learning disabilities need to know that the level of responsibility regarding the provision of services changes after high school. As mentioned above, throughout the primary and secondary years, it is the responsibility of the school system to identify students with disabilities and to initiate the delivery of special education services. However, while Disability and SEN Act requires postsecondary institutions to provide accommodative services to students with disabilities, once the student has been admitted to a college or university it is the student's responsibility to self-identify and provide documentation of the disability. The college or university will not provide any accommodation until a student takes the following two steps.

Step 1. The enrolled student who needs accommodative services must "self-identify." That means he or she must go to the Office of Disability Support Services, or the office (or person) on campus responsible for providing services to students with disabilities, and request services.

Step 2. He or she must provide documentation of his or her disability. For the student with a learning disability, such documentation is often a copy of his or her testing report and/or a copy of the IEP or ITP.

Understanding Your Rights to Privacy

Students and their families are often concerned about who will be able to see their educational records. They want to be sure that written records will be confidential and available only to those with a legitimate interest in them. To protect the privacy of student records, the Education Act and also the Data Protection Act is there to enforce privacy. These give students the right to have access to their educational records, consent to release a record to a third party, challenge information in those records, and be notified of their privacy rights. This affects all colleges and universities which receive state funds. These rights belong to the student regardless of age (and to the parents of a dependent student). A "student" is a person who attends college or university and/or for whom the institution maintains educational records (former students and alumni, for example) but not applicants to the institution or those denied admission. The college must inform students of their rights, procedures to allow a student access to his or her record, and procedures to consent to release a record to a third party. Publishing this information in a catalogue or bulletin satisfies this requirement.

Any information regarding disability gained from medical examinations or appropriate post-admissions inquiry shall be considered confidential and shall be shared with others within the institution on a need to know basis only. In other words, other individuals shall have access to disability related information only in so far as it impacts on their functioning or involvement with that individual.

For example, tutors do not have a right or a need to access diagnostic or other information regarding a student's disability. They only need to know what accommodations are necessary/ appropriate to meet the student's disability-related needs, and then only with permission of the student.

Disability related information should be kept in separate files with access limited to appropriate personnel. Documentation of disability should be held by a single source within the institution in order to protect the confidentiality of persons with disabilities by assuring such limited access.

Transition Planning for College

Leaving high school is an eventuality that all students face. Under the the SEN & Disability Act preparing for this transition has been formalised by requiring that the IEP for each student receiving special education services include a statement of the transition services needed. In many locations the IEP becomes an Individualised Transition Plan, or ITP. It documents the student's disabilities, describes specific courses for the student to take, accommodative services for the school to provide, notes post-high school plans, and identifies linkages with relevant community agencies. Students with ADHD or learning disabilities planning to go to college are encouraged to take an active part in the transition planning process. Of particular importance in transition planning are the following:

  • College Options
  • Documentation of a Learning Disability
  • Course Selection and Accommodative Services

College Options

Students with ADHD or learning disabilities who are planning to go to college should make themselves aware of the general categories of post-secondary educational institutions. Knowing the type of college one will attend affects the student's course selections while still in high school. In addition to varying in size, scope or program offered, setting (urban, suburban, or rural), residential or commuter, and cost of attendance, there are several factors of special importance for students with ADHD or learning disabilities.

Two-year college courses are most frequently public community collages. Most are open admissions institutions and are non-residential. Community colleges attract students who choose to take either a few selected courses in their interest area, vocational courses to train for specific jobs, as well as those who pursue higher education courses such as A levels - BTEC and others.




Course Selection and Accommodative Services

Students with ADHD or learning disabilities should consider various college options as well as their academic strengths and weaknesses in planning their high school program. Students seeking admission to collage MUST meet the criteria set by the college.

Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities report that high school courses teaching keyboard skills and word processing are especially important. A high school record of achievement folder displaying successful completion of a wide array of courses (science, math, history, literature, foreign language, art, music) is attractive to the college admissions staff. Involvement in school or community sponsored clubs, teams, or performances also enhance a college admission candidate's application.

Accommodative services are essential to the success of most students with ADHD or learning disabilities. Prior to the ITP meeting, at which the services will be listed, students should try out various accommodations which have proven successful to others. These may include:

  • listening to a tape recording of written material while reading it
  • using extended time to complete exams (usually time and a half)
  • using a computer to write exams or papers
  • taking the exam in a quiet place without distraction from other students or intrusive noises.

In addition, students with ADHD or learning disabilities may benefit from mini-courses in study skills, assertiveness training, and time management. The importance of listing the accommodative services for each student in the ITP cannot be emphasised strongly enough.

College Application Process

For students with ADHD or learning disabilities to assume responsibility for college application processes, they need to have an accurate idea of what they have to offer colleges. They also need to have an accurate idea of the academic requirements and admission procedures of the colleges or universities in which they are interested. Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities advise that the actual college application process should begin as early as possible - in the final year of high school. That is the time to review the documentation of the learning disabilities and work on understanding strengths, weaknesses, learning styles, and accommodative services. In addition, the following activities are part of the process and will be discussed in this section.

  1. Creating a Short List
  2. Admissions Tests and Accommodations
  3. Application and Disclosure of ADHD
  4. Making a College Choice

a. After the first version of the short list is created, bring disability-related concerns back into the picture. Now work to refine the short list by becoming familiar with the services that are provided to students with ADHD or learning disabilities at each of the colleges including the behaviour policy on the list. Most colleges today have a Disability Support Services Office (which may also be called Special Student Services, or Disability Resource Centre, or a similar name) or a person designated by the college president to coordinate services for students with disabilities. Some schools have comprehensive learning disabilities programs.

b. Personally visit, preferably while classes are in session, so that you can get an impression of campus daily life, or talk by telephone with the staff of the Disability Support Services Office or the learning disabilities program. Campus staff may be able to give only general answers to questions of students who have not yet been admitted and for whom they have not reviewed any documentation. Nevertheless, a student can get a good idea about the nature of the college by asking questions such as:

1. Does this college require standardised college admissions test scores? If so, what is the range of scores for those admitted?
2. For how many students with ADHD or learning disabilities does the campus currently provide services?
3. What types of academic accommodations are typically provided to students with ADHD or learning disabilities on your campus?
4. Will this college provide the specific accommodations that I need?
5. What records or documentation of a learning disability are necessary to arrange academic accommodations for admitted students?
6. How is the confidentiality of applicants' records, as well as those of enrolled students, protected? Where does the college publish Data Protection Act guidelines which I can review?
7. How is information related to the documentation of a learning disability used? By whom?
8. Does the college have someone available who is trained and understands the needs of young people with ADHD or learning disabilities?
9. What academic and personal characteristics have been found important for students with ADHD or learning disabilities to succeed at this college?
10. How many students with ADHD or learning disabilities have graduated in the past five years?
11. What is the tuition? Are there additional fees for learning disabilities related services? When do these need to be applied for?

In addition to talking with college staff, try to arrange a meeting with several college students with ADHD or learning disabilities and talk with them about the services they receive and their experiences on campus. Such a meeting can be requested at the time of scheduling the interview with the college staff.

While you will certainly be interested in the answers to the questions, the impressions that you get during the conversations will be equally important and may serve as a way to make final refinements to the short list.




Application and Disclosure of ADHD

Once students have decided on the final version of their short-list, it is time to begin the formal application process. To apply to any college, candidates must complete a form -- usually one designed by the particular college -- formally requesting admission. Such forms cover basic information about the prospective student. The form may not, however, require the student to disclose whether or not he or she has a disability. In addition, the student must usually supply the college with an official transcript of high school exam grades.

At this time the student will need to decide whether or not to "disclose" the fact that he or she has ADHD (a disability). However, should a student decide to disclose his or her disability, this information in and of itself can not be used as a basis for denying admission. Colleges can not discriminate solely on the basis of disability. On the other hand, colleges are also under no obligation to alter their admissions requirements or standards. This means that having ADHD or a learning disability, or any disability, does not entitle a student to admission at any college. Students with disabilities, like all other prospective applicants, must meet the admissions criteria established by the college.

Disclosure of a learning disability does not guarantee admission. It can, however, offer the student the opportunity to provide the admissions committee with additional insights. For example, in a covering letter, the student may explain his or her learning disability, and how the disability accounts for any discrepancies in his or her academic record. Students might convey an understanding of their ADHD and the problems this can cause or learning disability, and how academic strengths and weaknesses mesh with interests in specific courses and fields of study. Students may also go on to state plans for managing their ADHD symptoms or learning disability at the college level, and describe how they would work with the Office of Disability Support Services, noting their understanding of the student's responsibilities in making his or her college career successful.

Once students have decided on the final version of their short-list, it is time to begin the formal application process. To apply to any college, candidates must complete a form -- usually one designed by the particular college -- formally requesting admission. Such forms cover basic information about the prospective student. The form may not, however, require the student to disclose whether or not he or she has a disability. In addition, the student must usually supply the college with an official transcript of high school exam grades.

At this time the student will need to decide whether or not to "disclose" the fact that he or she has a disability. However, should a student decide to disclose his or her disability, this information in and of itself can not be used as a basis for denying admission. Colleges can not discriminate solely on the basis of disability. On the other hand, colleges are also under no obligation to alter their admissions requirements or standards. This means that having ADHD or a learning disability, or any disability, does not entitle a student to admission at any college. Students with disabilities, like all other prospective applicants, must meet the admissions criteria established by the college.

Disclosure of a learning disability does not guarantee admission. It can, however, offer the student the opportunity to provide the admissions committee with additional insights. For example, in a covering letter, the student may explain his or her learning disability, and how the disability accounts for any discrepancies in his or her academic record. Students might convey an understanding of their ADHD and the problems this can cause or learning disability, and how academic strengths and weaknesses mesh with interests in specific courses and fields of study. Students may also go on to state plans for managing their ADHD symptoms or learning disability at the college level, and describe how they would work with the Office of Disability Support Services, noting their understanding of the student's responsibilities in making his or her college career successful.

Making a College Choice

After understanding his or her particular academic strengths and weaknesses, narrowing down the short list, visiting campuses, taking standardised college admissions tests if necessary, and completing the applications, students will be faced with making a choice among those colleges which have offered admission. Students who have worked hard at getting ready for college will be able to identify the school which seems "right."

In the Meantime

In addition to becoming familiar with all of the tips and procedures discussed in this paper, there are a number of additional ways that high school students with ADHD or learning disabilities can prepare for college. In order to make themselves more attractive candidates, students should consider the following:

  • Take courses in high school that will help prepare for college. If appropriate, take foreign language credits and computer training while still in high school.
  • Consider aprentiships, or part-time jobs, or volunteer community service that will develop necessary skills.
  • Consider enrolling in a summer precollege program specifically designed for students with learning disabilities in either the summer before or after the high school senior year. Such short-term experiences (most programs are designed to last anywhere from one week to one month) have been shown to be incredibly helpful in giving students a feel for what college or university life will be like.
  • Become familiar with, and practice using, the various compensatory strategies identified earlier in this paper. For example, students may want to practice talking to their high school teachers and administrators about their academic strengths and weaknesses and the ways in which they compensate for their ADHD symptoms or learning disabilities.



A Message to Students with ADHD

Awareness of your strengths, your advocacy skills, and persistence are among the most important tools you can use to build your future through education. You can maximise the range of colleges that may admit you by playing an active role in high school, getting appropriate support, continually assessing your growth, and carefully planning. Students may be admitted only to colleges to which they actually apply.

A Message to Parents of Students with ADHD

One final thing is that parents play a very important part in the whole process of choosing a collage or collage course for their young person with ADHD or Learning Difficulties. You can help by talking openly and frankly about their strengths and weaknesses and how they can use their strengths to help them choose the right course.

Parents can asls help by checking through the collage prospectus and helping the young person to choose the right course for them. Along with looking and advising on the admissions criteria and by helping to check out the collages policies for special needs - data protection - behaviour and other things which may be of need for the particular young person.

Perents can also help and advise with the application forms to help ensure that the full information requested is actually written on the forms. They can also attend the visits to the collage to ensure that all of the correct questions and information is given.


 


 

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). ADHD Students and Getting Ready for College, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/adhd-students-and-getting-ready-for-college

Last Updated: May 6, 2019

Grace

Depression and Spiritual Growth

F. GRACE

The idea of Grace in the sense of a free, unexpected, undeserved, gift from God to Man is a very old tradition in Christianity. So what is Grace?The idea of Grace in the sense of a free, unexpected, undeserved, gift from God to Man is a very old tradition in Christianity. But as just defined, it could be almost anything: a pretty flower, a mild sunny day. Yet clearly it means something much more deep than that. The problem with defining Grace is that definitions are fundamentally verbal and intellectual, whereas Grace itself is spiritual; there is a severe mismatch between these two spheres of our existence. In harmony with Quaker tradition, I think it is more fruitful to try to describe Grace experientially than to try to define it. The following poem is the result of my attempts at such a description.

Grace

Grace is:

  • when you can look through, and beyond, even the deepest darkness into Light ...
  • when you discover the heavy burden you have carried these many miles is actually your gift ...
  • when you willingly endure the burning in order to give Light ...
  • when you understand, finally, that you can defy death, by dying to be reborn and live ...
  • Through Grace not only can we go on despite our disabilities, but also be nourished by them.
  • John Newton's wonderful hymn Amazing Grace has a couple of remarkable lines:
  • Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear And Grace my fear relieved.

I used to puzzle over the meaning of those two lines; I don't any more. During the deepest, darkest days of my 1986, it was Grace that revealed to me my worst fears; my most feared flaws; the utter unimportance of my existence as a single denizen of a tiny planet bound to an utterly unremarkable star in a galaxy of 100 billion other stars, itself unremarkable in a sea of 100 billion other galaxies; how much there is to learn, know, and do compared to how much I could ever hope to do. It was Grace that forced me to break out of my stifling self-centeredness and face my separateness in this vast system. Thus it taught my heart to fear. And it was also Grace that led me to realize that none of those fears mattered once I made the leap of faith to go on living despite my "insignificance" and "worthlessness''.

Grace is the topic of the last chapter in Scott Peck's amazing book The Road Less Traveled. Peck describes how he has treated patients who present with signs/symptoms of minor maladjustment, easily dealt with; but who, when they tell their life stories, easily should be, in his psychiatric judgment, seriously neurotic. Likewise those who show neuroses, but who, on the basis of their life history, should be floridly psychotic. And finally, those who come in with psychoses, who, by his best reasonable judgment, should be dead! He asks the question (paraphrased here) "Why should this be so; how does this happen?" His analysis leads to the conclusion that there can operate in our lives, a very powerful healing force, which he identifies as Grace.

Peck's book is a gift to all who read it. In fact, it seems to me that the wisdom and insight it can impart is nothing short of a miracle. I urge all readers of this essay to read his book. From his discussion, and what I have said above, one sees that it is when Grace touches us we can be healed; permanently. It it then that we can give to one another, comfort one another, be with one another, bear together the ups and downs of our lives, and life's limit by our mortality. It's a gift. It is when Grace is present that Light appears everywhere, and we learn how to pour Light from our lives into the lives of others. For me the experience is impossible to describe. I can only say that the world looks different: where I saw only problems before, I now also see solutions; where I felt weakest and most insecure, I have learned to rely on the strength and security of the rest of you. Guilt, grief, anger, and disappointment have been burned away. The void has been filled with Light.

I am an astrophysicist. I treasure knowledge of the laws of physics and the compelling picture they help us construct of the nature of the Universe. Yet I have often told my students that in the human arena, the most powerful force in the Universe is not among the four known forces of physics: gravity, the electromagnetic interaction, the nuclear "weak" and strong interactions. Rather it is Grace. Once touched by Grace, ones life changes forever. With apologies to Eugene O'Neil, it now seems like most of my life has been "a long night's journey into day".

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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 11). Grace, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/articles/grace

Last Updated: March 28, 2017

People Are Not Goldfish: Nine Common Myths and Realities About Grief

Knowledge of these grief issues helps both the bereaved and those who want to help them.

Writing to an advice columnist, a woman expresses these concerns about family members who are in grief: "My brother and his wife lost a teenage son in an auto accident six months ago. Of course, this is a terrible loss, but I worry they're not working hard enough to get on with their lives. This was God's will. There's nothing they can do about it. The family has been patient and supportive, but now we're beginning to wonder how long this will last and whether we may not have done the right thing with them."

That woman's concern is shaped by a faulty understanding about bereavement. She, like many others, does not have accurate information about the grieving process. The woman incorrectly assumes that grief lasts a short duration and ends within a specific time frame. Whenever there is a death-spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent-grievers struggle with a variety of confusing and conflicting emotions. Too often their struggle is complicated by well-meaning individuals who say and do the wrong things because they are uninformed about the bereavement process.

Here are nine of the most common myths and realities about grief. Knowledge of these issues is extremely helpful for both the bereaved and those who want to help them. The bereaved gain assurance that their responses to a death are quite normal and natural. Simultaneously, family, friends, religious leaders and other caregivers have the correct information about grief thus enabling them to respond more patiently, compassionately and wisely.

Myth #1:

"It's been a year since your spouse died. Don't you think you should be dating by now?"

Reality:

It is impossible to simply "replace" a loved one. Susan Arlen, M.D., a New Jersey physician offers this insight: "Human beings are not goldfish. We do not flush them down the toilet and go out and look for replacements. Each relationship is unique, and it takes a very long time to build a relationship of love. It also takes a very long time to say good-bye, and until good-bye really has been said, it is impossible to move on to a new relationship that will be complete and satisfying."

Myth #2:

"You look so well!"

Reality:

The bereaved do look like the nonbereaved on the outside. However, at the interior, they experience a wide range of chaotic emotions: shock, numbness, anger, disbelief, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt. These feelings are intense and confusing.

One example comes from British author C. S. Lewis who wrote these words shortly after his wife died: "In grief, nothing stays put. One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I m on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?"

Thus, when people comment in astonishment "You look so well," grievers feel misunderstood and further isolated. There are two much more helpful responses to the bereaved. First, simply and quietly acknowledge their pain and suffering through statements such as: "This must be very difficult for you." "I am so sorry!" "How can I help?" " What can I do? "

Myth #3:

"The best we can do (for the griever) is to avoid discussing the loss."

Reality:

The bereaved need and want to talk about their loss, including the most minute details connected to it. Grief shared is grief diminished. Each time a griever talks about the loss, a layer of pain is shed.

When Lois Duncan's 18 year-old daughter, Kaitlyn, died as a result of what police called a random shooting, she and her husband were devastated by the death. Yet, the people most helpful to the Duncans were those who allowed them to talk about Kaitlyn.

"The people we found most comforting made no attempt to distract us from our grief," she recalls. "Instead, they encouraged Don and me to describe each excruciating detail of our nightmare experience over and over. That repetition diffused the intensity of our agony and made it possible for us to start the healing."


Myth #4:

Nine of the most common myths and realities about grief. Knowledge of these issues helps both the bereaved and those who want to help them."It's been six (or nine or 12) months now. Don't you think you should be over it?"

Reality:

There is no quick fix for the pain of bereavement. Of course, grievers wish they could be over it in six months. Grief is a deep wound which takes a long time to heal. That time frame differs from person to person according to each person's unique circumstances.

Glen Davidson, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry and thanatology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine tracked 1,200 mourners. His research show an average recovery time from 18 to 24 months.

Myth #5:

"You need be more active and get out more!"

Reality:

Encouraging the bereaved to maintain their social, civic and religious ties is healthy. Grievers should not withdraw completely and isolate themselves from others. However, it is not helpful to pressure the bereaved into excessive activity. Erroneously, some caregivers try to help the grieving "escape" from their grief through trips or excessive activity. This was the pressure felt by Phyllis seven months after her husband died.

"Several of my sympathetic friends who happen to have not yet experienced grief first hand have suggested that I interrupt my period of mourning by getting out more," she recalls. They say, solemnly, 'What you must do is get out among people, go on a cruise, take a bus trip. Then you won t feel so lonely.'

"I have a stock answer for their stock advice: I am not lonely for the presence of people, I am lonely for the presence of my husband. But how can I expect these innocents to understand that I feel as though my body has been torn asunder and that my soul has been mutilated? How could they understand that for the time being, life is simply a matter of survival?"

Myth #6:

"Funerals are too expensive and the services are too depressing!"

Reality:

Funeral costs vary and can be managed by the family according to their preferences. More importantly, the funeral visitation, service and ritual create a powerful therapeutic experience for the bereaved.

In her book, What to do When a Loved One Dies, (Dickens Press, 1994) author Eva Shaw writes: "A service, funeral, or memorial provides mourners with a place to express the feelings and emotions of grief. The service is a time to express those feelings, talk about the loved one, and begin the acceptance of death. The funeral brings together a community of mourners who can support each other through this difficult time. Many grief experts and those who counsel the grieving believe that a funeral or service is a necessary part of the healing process and those who have not had this opportunity may not face the death."

Myth #7:

"It was the will of God."

Reality:

The Bible makes this important distinction: life provides minimal support but God provides maximum love and comfort. Calling a tragic loss the will of God can have a devastating impact on the faith of others.

Consider Dorothy's experience: "I was 9 years old when my mother died and I was very, very sad. I did not join in the saying of prayers at my parochial school. Noticing that I was not participating in the exercise, the teacher called me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her my mother died and I missed her, to which she replied: 'It was the will of God. God needs your mother in heaven.' But I felt I needed my mother far more than God needed her. I was angry at God for years because I felt he took her from me."

When statements of faith are to be made they should focus upon God's love and support through grief. Rather than telling people "It was the will of God," a better response is to gently suggest: "God is with you in your pain." "God will help you day by day." "God will guide you through this difficult time."

Rather than talking about God "taking" a loved one it is more theologically accurate to place the focus upon God "receiving and welcoming" a loved one.


Myth #8:

"You're young, you can get married again." Or "Your loved one is no longer in pain now. Be thankful for that."

Reality:

The myth is in believing such statements help the bereaved. The truth is that clich©s are seldom useful for the grieving and usually create more frustration for them. Avoid making any statements which minimize the loss such as: "He's in a better place now." "You can have other children." "You'll find someone else to share your life with." It is more therapeutic to simply listen compassionately, say little, and do whatever you can to help ease burdens.

Myth #9:

"She cries a lot. I'm concerned she is going to have a nervous breakdown."

Reality:

Tears are nature's safety valves. Crying washes away toxins from the body which are produced during trauma. That may be the reason so many people feel better after a good cry.

"Crying discharges tension, the accumulation of feeling associated with whatever problem is causing the crying," said Frederic Flach, M.D., associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College in New York City.

"Stress causes imbalance and crying restores balance. It relieves the central nervous system of tension. If we don't cry, that tension doesn t go away."

Caregivers should get comfortable at seeing tears from the bereaved and be supportive of crying.

Victor Parachin is a grief educator and minister in Claremont, CA.

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APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2008, December 11). People Are Not Goldfish: Nine Common Myths and Realities About Grief, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/nine-common-myths-and-realities-about-grief

Last Updated: June 24, 2016