• PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHO IS DOING THE "WANTING."

• EVERY ANSWER MUST BE A DIFFERENT NUMBER.

• PICK A SPECIFIC TIME PERIOD.

• USE THE EXAMPLES ONLY AS A GUIDE.

LET THE NUMBER YOU CHOOSE REFLECT THESE MEANINGS:
From 00 to 05 = "It doesn't happen" or "Not at all."
From 06 to 15 = "It goes terribly."
From 16 to 25 = "It goes very badly."
From 26 to 35 = "It goes badly."
From 36 to 45 = "It goes a little badly."
From 46 to 55 = "It doesn't go well or badly. It's in the middle."
From 56 to 65 = "It goes a little well."
From 66 to 75 = "It goes well."
From 76 to 85 = "It goes very well."
From 86 to 95 = "It goes extremely well."
From 96 to 100 = "It goes fantastically!"

The Questions

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

Dear Stanton:

What psycho-social tendencies, if any, are inherited by the children of alcoholics?

Michael

Dear Michael:

Cloninger claims that male alcoholics inherit antisocial, criminal tendencies. That doesn't register for me. It seems more plausible to say that alcoholics inherit (1) an impetuous, (2) emotionally labile nature. One might also imagine that alcoholics inherit some reactivity to alcohol that makes it an effective tranquilizing substance for some.

But this is hardly determinative. Sometimes descriptions of alcoholics sound to me like descriptions of salesmen.

And how about personalities of children of alcoholics? This is a group said to inherit hyperresponsibility since they have to cope with an alcoholic parent. On the one hand, this sets up the possibility that alcoholics can be either (a) irresponsible, (b) very responsible. Secondly, it indicates that this trait is bad. But isn't a trait that assists in accomplishment arguably positive?

In the case of proposed children-of-alcoholic traits, of course, we tend to be looking to environmental causation, as opposed to inherited traits. This additionally raises the question of their modifiability with insight and changing situations. I think the area of alcoholic traits is pretty iffy.

Best, Stanton

next: Why and by Whom the American Alcoholism Treatment Industry is Under Siege
~ all Stanton Peele articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

how to have good sex

It's talk. Telling your partner what you want may be the best way to keep both of you satisfied.

Steve and Cathy Brody of Cambria, Calif., on the Golden State's scenic Central Coast, are psychotherapists who specialize in couples counseling. When it comes to sexual dysfunction and its treatment, however, the Brodys' best success story is their own. And the best weapon in their personal therapeutic arsenal is the same advice they give others.

If you want a better sex life, they say, find the courage to share your sexual secrets -- to talk about what you want and don't want, sexually speaking.

"When sex hasn't worked for us," says Cathy, a marriage and family therapist, "we talk about it afterward. Because it's not the orgasm that's the goal, it's the intimacy. One thing couples can actually do when they're lying there is talk about it and say, 'We can try this instead.' "

Millions of Americans find it hard to talk about sex. Medical and behavioral scientists have said this for years, based on their clinical experience. And a recent survey of 200 people conducted by the Midwest Institute of Sexology in Southfield, Mich., strongly suggests they're right.

Nearly 9 in 10 men in relationships with women reported serious problems articulating their needs and desires. Of the women respondents in heterosexual relationships, half reported some difficulties articulating their needs and desires when talking to their partners about sex. The findings cut across all age categories, from teens to seniors.

In sharp contrast, most men and women in same-sex relationships said it was easy to discuss sex. The institute's survey, conducted on its web site, included questions that probed the frequency with which people told their partners what they wanted sexually and asked them to identify the reasons when they felt they could not. Seven of 10 gay men said sex was easy to talk about, and 2 in 3 lesbian women said the same, making the gay and lesbian respondents dramatically less reluctant to communicate sexual desires than the straight respondents.

Survey Imitates Life

While critics and the survey takers alike say the study, because of online data gathering, is not scientific, the findings do reflect what therapists hear in practice. "I see couples married 20 or 30 years and they're still having problems, says psychologist Linda Carter, director of the Family Studies Program at New York University Medical Center. "People have told me they've never talked about how they wanted sex, where they wanted it, and when they wanted it."

The good news? Shortcomings can be remedied and the lines of communication opened, experts say, if both partners are willing to work on it, change some bad habits, and talk, talk, talk. First, it's vital to understand why it is so difficult to talk about sex in the first place.

What's the Problem?

Co-authors of Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, the Brodys make it clear that learning to talk intelligently about sex is doable, not impossible.

But deep down, most people are conflicted, at least a little. "There's an idea in this society that a lot of people are engaging in sex freely, without inhibition -- it's the Playboy philosophy," says the Midwest Institute's director, psychologist Barnaby Barratt, PhD, professor of family medicine, psychiatry, and human sexuality at Wayne State University's School of Medicine. "In fact, everyone has conflicts. Though many of us try, strenuously, to make it appear that we don't, we do."

On one hand, he says, everything in our culture is greatly sexualized. On the other, we feel profoundly guilty and ashamed about sex and think that talking about it in detail is despicable in personal relationships.

Easier for Some?

Why do gays and lesbians fare better than straights when it comes to straight talk, at least in the survey? Barratt ventures a guess, but stresses that it is pure speculation. If your sexual orientation and preferences are those of the minority, he says, you may learn to speak about your sexual wishes as you develop them. You have to work out your shame and guilt. "You have to own your sexuality," he says. This attitude of course, probably applies most to those who are "out" and comfortable with their orientation. Those who are just beginning to realize they are gay or lesbian may think about what they want but not speak openly about it.

More Difficult for Others?

Heterosexual men, on the other hand, may find it more difficult to communicate their wishes because they may be afraid of what they'll hear in response, says New York City psychologist Elyse Goldstein. "They're afraid that if they speak up about their needs and desires, the woman will speak up about hers and they won't be able to satisfy her."

Chicago psychologist and online relationship counselor Kate Wachs says that heterosexual men are often conditioned from an early age to shut up and perform.

The Brody Success Story

Whatever your orientation and level of discomfort, the Brodys say you can become better at talking about your needs and desires.

Married 29 years, the Brodys have learned to communicate their sexual desires very effectively. He's 53 and she's 49, but there are times, Cathy says, when Steve makes her feel like a 17-year-old in the back seat of a car.

"I'll say to Steve, 'I really like it when you undress me,' " Cathy says.

"And sometimes,'' Steve says, "I'll say, 'I really need oral sex now, that would help.' "

Cathy: "Or saying, 'Let's have sex on the floor instead of the bed.' " Or doing it in the morning instead of at night.

Simple Self-Improvement Tips

There are many ways to improve your sex-talk skills, say the Brodys and other experts. Among them are some tips that sound obvious -- but are often overlooked.

• Is your partner doing something that pleases you? Tell him or her. It's called positive reinforcement. It works on lab animals and it works on humans, too.
• Make concrete requests, such as, "Hold me and kiss me.'' This is more likely to get the desired result than expressing a vague wish, like "Be romantic."
• Talk gently and honestly about sex afterward, about what worked and what didn't. When stating your preferences, begin by saying something like "I like it when . . ." It sounds better (and will evoke better results) than "You always do this wrong . . ."

Honesty, the Best Policy

Sometimes the truth hurts, but you can always look back and laugh. All Steve Brody has to do is remind himself of the Great Nibbled Ear Fiasco.

"For several years," he says, "I'd nibble on Cathy's ear. I thought it was supposed to drive her wild. Finally Cathy said, 'That doesn't really do anything to me.' "

Says Cathy: "I thought if I grunted loud enough when he got to the other places, he'd sort of get the hint!"

Now they both know not to leave their sexual wishes and desires to guesswork and grunts, but to communicate them clearly.

Scott Winokur is a San Francisco Bay Area journalist who often writes about health and human behavior.

next: Conditions for Good Sex

Suggestions for coping more effectively when someone close to you has a mental illness.

Supporting Someone with Bipolar - For Family and Friends

A friend of a person experiencing a mental illness may encounter common difficulties. Although situations differ, there are basic suggestions to help to facilitate a smoother adjustment.

• Understand that behavior may change from day to day.
• Learn as much as you can about the illness from mental health professionals.
• Encourage the person to keep appointments with mental health professionals and to take medications as prescribed. This will help in stabilizing the illness.
• Encourage the person to avoid alcohol and "street" drugs. These substances may interfere with the effectiveness of medications.
• Be open and direct with the person when talking about the illness or treatment. Don't keep secrets.
• Be a good listener. Open communication is good for everyone.
• Do not be frightened by or hide the fact that someone you care for is mentally ill.
• Be clear and firm that lying and violence are not acceptable ways to get needs met.
• Remember that improvement takes time and may not be easy to see on a day-to-day basis.
• Treat the person as an adult.
• Avoid words like "never" and "always" when the person repeats past mistakes. Be positive.
• Realize that criticism usually makes things more difficult
• Remember that everyone makes mistakes.
• Expect adult behavior and encourage self-reliance.
• Point out with pleasure the small tings that the person does well.
• Say clearly what you want from the person. Remember to be understanding.
• Suggest to the person that personal appearance is important. Offer help if necessary.
• Keep your promises so the person knows you can be counted on.
• Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise and play. Consider joining a support group.
• Relax and do your best. Avoid worrying that what you do will make the person worse.

next: Bipolar Disorder: Is It Ignored?
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Bipolar NOT Depression

by Heather
August 1, 2005

Believe it or not, the doctors misdiagnosed me with depression at the age of 13. Ten years later, I found a doctor who got it right.

The symptoms of bipolar kept me distant from everyone for fear that they couldn't truly understand what was really going on in my head. In addition, the thoughts of suicide would scare them too much. I also believed that others felt that I really didn't care about their problems because if they only knew what was in my head, their problems would pale in comparison.

Over the years, there was also the extraordinary amount of sex, typical during manic episodes along with spending, what for me was, exorbitant amounts of money.

When I got the first misdiagnosis of depression, I knew what that was and I knew I didn't have it because I had some days where I didn't feel bad. In fact, during those periods, I felt pretty good.

Getting a Bipolar Diagnosis

Being diagnosed correctly for the first time was crushing, but when I got home I started to research bipolar disorder and it was like a great weight had been lifted because finally someone truly understood what was going on and paid attention to what I was saying.

I was able to share the diagnosis with my family and that explained so much of my behavior. It explained the mood swings; which many of my family members thought was a result of a drug problem (I didn't take drugs). Now I could show them what being bipolar meant with reference materials I found and with going to DBSA meetings (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance).

Therapy made a difference in that I had a place to talk about what was going on in my head without being judged badly. I also found that I could regulate my moods by maintaining a sleep schedule, using calming techniques, adjusting my diet. Learning about my disorder and how it affects me has really helped.

I'm 28 now. By caring for myself, I'm actually able to work full-time, keep and maintain an apartment and not have the out-of-control thoughts of suicide. My life is a lot better.

how to have good sex

Saying yes doesn't mean a whole lot if you can't say no.

According to clinical psychologist and therapist Bernie Zilbergeld, men would be happier knowing when they were comfortable having sex. He says men would experience less anxiety, fewer performance worries and greater comfort in the bedroom if they had sex only when their personal conditions were met.

With a little thought, you can create your own list. And you can help destroy the myth that men can and should have sex absolutely any time the opportunity arises.

This is adapted from one of Zilbergeld's exercises in his book, The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex and Pleasure.

Compare two or three sexual experiences in which you were highly aroused with two or three in which you weren't. Example: "I felt rested, close, not preoccupied with work, wasn't in a hurry."

Your descriptions of the high-arousal list form the basis for your conditions. Be specific.

Consider all areas.

- Your physical health.

- Anxiety or tension.

- Use of alcohol.

- Amount of time you had.

- Preoccupation with performance, pregnancy, etc.

- Your feelings toward your partner.

When you finish your list, put it away for a day or two, then reread it and see if there is anything you want to change. Now go through each item and make it specific enough to put into practice.

Let's say one of your items is "Need to make love earlier." You should talk to your partner and let her know. You may need to consider ways of initiating sex earlier.

The importance of being specific in your conditions cannot be overemphasized. If they are worded too vaguely, you won't be able to put them into practice. Take all the time you need to determine what your conditions are and how you they can be fulfilled.

next: The Requirements for Great Sex

Narcissists attract abuse. Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome - they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies - they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.

Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs - usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent.

Less prominent narcissists end up sharing life with co-dependents and inverted narcissists.

The narcissist's situation is exacerbated by the fact that, often, the narcissist himself is an abuser. Like the boy who cried "wolf", people do not believe that the perpetrator of egregious deeds can himself fall prey to maltreatment. They tend to ignore and discard the narcissist's cries for help and disbelieve his protestations.{

The narcissist reacts to abuse as would any other victim. Traumatized, he goes through the phases of denial, helplessness, rage, depression, and acceptance. But, the narcissist's reactions are amplified by his shattered sense of omnipotence. Abuse breeds humiliation. To the narcissist, helplessness is a novel experience.

The narcissistic defense mechanisms and their behavioral manifestations - diffuse rage, idealization and devaluation, exploitation - are useless when confronted with a determined, vindictive, or delusional stalker. That the narcissist is flattered by the attention he receives from the abuser, renders him more vulnerable to the former's manipulation.

Nor can the narcissist come to terms with his need for help or acknowledge that wrongful behavior on his part may have contributed somehow to the situation. His self-image as an infallible, mighty, all-knowing person, far superior to others, won't let him admit to shortfalls or mistakes.

As the abuse progresses, the narcissist feels increasingly cornered. His conflicting emotional needs - to preserve the integrity of his grandiose False Self even as he seeks much needed support - place an unbearable strain on the precarious balance of his immature personality. Decompensation (the disintegration of the narcissist's defense mechanisms) leads to acting out and, if the abuse is protracted, to withdrawal and even to psychotic micro-episodes.

Abusive acts in themselves are rarely dangerous. Not so the reactions to abuse - above all, the overwhelming sense of violation and humiliation. When asked how is the narcissist likely to react to continued mistreatment, I wrote this in one of my Pathological Narcissism FAQs:

"The initial reaction of the narcissist to perceived humiliation is a conscious rejection of the humiliating input. The narcissist tries to ignore it, talk it out of existence, or belittle its importance. If this crude mechanism, the cognitive dissonance, fails, the narcissist resorts to denial and repression of the humiliating material. He 'forgets' all about it, gets it out of his mind and, when reminded of it, denies it. But this is usually only a stopgap measure. The disturbing data is bound to float back to the narcissist's tormented consciousness. Once aware of its re-emergence, the narcissist uses fantasy to counteract and counterbalance it. He imagines all the horrible things that he would have done (or will do) to the source of the humiliation. It is through fantasy that he seeks to redeem his pride and self-respect and to re-establish his damaged sense of uniqueness and grandiosity.

Paradoxically, the narcissist does not mind being humiliated if this were to make him more unique. For instance: if the injustice involved in the process of humiliation is unprecedented, or if the humiliating acts or words place the narcissist in a unique position - he often tries to encourage such behaviours and elicit them from his human environment. In this case, he fantasises how he demeans and debases his opponents by forcing them to behave even more barbarously than usual, so that their unjust deeds will be universally recognised as such and condemned and the narcissist be publicly vindicated. In short: martyrdom is as good a method of obtaining Narcissist Supply as any.

Fantasy, though, has its limits and once reached, the narcissist is likely to experience a wave of self-hatred and self-loathing. These are a result of feeling helpless and of realising the depths of his dependence on Narcissistic Supply. These feelings culminate in severe self-directed aggression: depression, destructive, self-defeating or suicidal ideation. These reactions, inevitably and naturally, terrify the narcissist. He tries to project them on to his environment. The way from this defence mechanism to an obsessive-compulsive disorder or even to a psychotic episode is short. The narcissist is suddenly besieged by disturbing, uncontrollable thoughts whose violence cannot be harnessed. He develops ritualistic reactions to them: a sequence of motions, an act, or an obsessive counter-thought. Or he might visualise his aggression, or experience auditory hallucinations. Humiliation affects the narcissist this deeply.

Luckily, the process is entirely reversible once Narcissistic Supply is resumed. Almost immediately, the narcissist swings from one pole to another, from being humiliated to being elated, from being put down to being reinstated, from being at the bottom of his own, imagined, pit to occupying the top of his own, imagined, ladder."

next: The Two Loves of the Narcissist

• Watch the video on Narcissist and the Internet

To the narcissist, the Internet is an alluring and irresistible combination of playground and hunting grounds, the gathering place of numerous potential sources of narcissistic supply, a world where false identities are the norm and mind games the bon ton.And it is beyond the reach of the law, the pale of social norms, the strictures of civilized conduct.

The somatic finds cyber-sex and cyber-relationships aplenty. The cerebral claims false accomplishments, fake skills, erudition and talents. Both, if minimally communicative, end up at the instantly gratifying epicenter of a cult of fans, followers, stalkers, erotomaniacs, denigrators, and plain nuts. The constant attention and attendant quasi-celebrity feed and sustain their grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image.

The Internet is an extension of the real-life Narcissistic Pathological Space but without its risks, injuries, and disappointments. In the virtual universe of the Web, the narcissist vanishes and reappears with ease, often adopting a myriad aliases and nicknames. He (or she) can thus fend off criticism, abuse, disagreement, and disapproval effectively and in real time - and, simultaneously, preserve the precarious balance of his infantile personality. Narcissists are, therefore, prone to Internet addiction.

The positive characteristics of the Net are largely lost on the narcissist. He is not keen on expanding his horizons, fostering true relationships, or getting in real contact with other people. The narcissist is forever the provincial because he filters everything through the narrow lens of his addiction. He measures others - and idealizes or devalues them - according to one criterion only: how useful they might be as sources of narcissistic supply.

The Internet is an egalitarian medium where people are judged by the consistency and quality of their contributions rather than by the content or bombast of their claims. But the narcissist is driven to distracting discomfiture by a lack of clear and commonly accepted hierarchy (with himself at the pinnacle). He fervently and aggressively tries to impose the "natural order" - either by monopolizing the interaction or, if that fails, by becoming a major disruptive influence.

But the Internet may also be the closest many narcissists get to psychodynamic therapy. Because it is still largely text-based, the Web is populated by disembodied entities. By interacting with these intermittent, unpredictable, ultimately unknowable, ephemeral, and ethereal voices - the narcissist is compelled to project unto them his own experiences, fears, hopes, and prejudices.

Transference (and counter-transference) are quite common on the Net and the narcissist's defence mechanisms - notably projection and projective identification - are frequently aroused. The therapeutic process is set in motion by the - unbridled, uncensored, and brutally honest - reactions to the narcissist's repertory of antics, pretensions, delusions, and fantasies.

The narcissist - ever the intimidating bully - is not accustomed to such resistance. Initially, it may heighten and sharpen his paranoia and lead him to compensate by extending and deepening his grandiosity. Some narcissists withdraw altogether, reverting to the schizoid posture. Others become openly antisocial and seek to subvert, sabotage, and destroy the online sources of their frustration. A few retreat and confine themselves to the company of adoring sycophants and unquestioning groupies.

But a long exposure to the culture of the Net - irreverent, skeptical, and populist - usually exerts a beneficial effect even on the staunchest and most rigid narcissist. Far less convinced of his own superiority and infallibility, the online narcissist mellows and begins - hesitantly - to listen to others and to collaborate with them.

next: Abusing the Narcissist

Getting Off The Rollercoaster

If we consider the Mind as both the instrument of perception and thought, and that perceptions and interpretations require some previous experience or knowledge, the ability to perceive is then an acquired or learnt ability always linked to our personal history.

Our lives are therefore based around a multitude of relational factors which form the frameworks and viewpoints in order for us to interpret or make sense of the world. Naturally, this helps us to function in the world.

Ideally, perceptions should build upon each other to develop into the maturity of adult discernment. The catch is that the perceptions of childhood, (which form the foundation of our thinking) do not naturally or by themselves have the benefit of adult discernment. Only from the ongoing exposure to love, generosity, compassion, positive support and values from parental care does the childhood experience overcome the potential for these immature perceptions to corrupt or undermine the thinking later on in adult life.

I once had an extended visit at a friends house. He led his active life, and allowed me to have full run of the house. I noticed he had a Hi-Fi in the living room but it was not connected or wired up. Upon deciding to listen to some music, I went about connecting all the various modules and connecting the right cables to the right sockets. I finished by plugging in all the electrical power cables except the radio... I just left the power plug draped near the power board. Everything worked and enjoyed the music.

About a week later, my friends son came over for a visit. He decided he'd like to listen to the radio. He noticed the power cable wasn't plugged in so he plugged it in. My friend was amazed and delighted that his son had got his Hi-Fi working and showered him with praise as this proud Father acknowledged his sons cleverness and technical aptitude.

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I said nothing. However, later on I found myself slightly put out as I felt a sense of injustice that the recognition was not coming to me.

Very, very strange I thought to myself. Never was there any intention to seek praise... I just got the thing going one day so I could listen to music. But when this show of overwhelming appreciation became manifest, I felt like I was missing out, and I now seemed to be after something that I originally had not intention of obtaining.

I paced back and forth, the mental wheels were rapidly spinning. Ahhh!... I now started to grasp that two things were happening inside me, and it is very much worth our while to discuss it here. The things I were feeling were...

• A sense of injustice.
• A sense for a need of recognition of my ability.

INJUSTICE - RECOGNITION. I had tapped into the beginnings of some important understandings
Many years ago, I might have spoken up to make sure that the recognition came my way as well as the need to set the record straight. I probably would have burned inside until I spoke up. Fortunately those days are long gone, but still lingering was a residual part of my old thinking rearing it's ugly head.

The perception of...

"Hey You!, you didn't acknowledge my ability!... you're the cause of my grief!"

...is not accurately defined in the false belief that an external object (a person) is the cause of my disharmony.

This injustice is in me, just as this need for recognition of ability is in me. Does this mean that people can expect injustice or unjust behaviour from me as a common aspect to my personality? I thought about this very intensely and come up with "No". I know this doesn't equate with my real nature, yet something was not sitting quiet right within me. The more I pursued it the more confusing it became. Such confusion is the opposite of what should be attained through successful self inquiry. I had to initiate a change of tack and began to focus on the 'Recognition' aspect.

More pacing and squeezing of my chin. Slowly an understanding began to filter into my consciousness. The want for recognition was the PRIMARY ISSUE. I had become confused by focusing on a secondary feeling of 'Injustice'. Obviously, for an injustice to be present, something had to make it so. The perceived 'Incorrect Recognition' was the injustice. The 'Recognition' aspect was at the root of this injustice. I was now getting closer to the real issue. This is where the use of "I" came into it. For you and I both, this is an extremely valuable understanding to possess.

You might say that I am just seeking approval, and essentially I would agree with these thoughts, but if it was simply a matter of seeking approval, it would then have to said... "of what?". The notion of approval would once again go back to... "My abilities and best efforts." Once again, the root of the experience contains a direct identification back to me. This is what you should remember as you engage in self inquiry. The correct understanding will not be ambiguous as in the case "seeking approval" for there can always be another question that can go beyond that point. The words "I", "ME" or "MY", or the undisputable sense of the person in question, must always be included in the final analysis.

Suddenly an awesome stillness came over me. A very powerful sense of being deeply connected to a truth about myself. Now I began to see why the injustice was so prominent. This lack of recognition has actually been such a regular feature in my life that a secondary perception of injustice continues to be falsely validated and hence distorted over the years. I am therefore much more likely to see or perceive injustices around me and in various other situations.

Upon the revelation of RECOGNITION, I now see that throughout my life, I have not given recognition to others. The very reason I have written this book is because my life had essentially collapsed, and I had come to the understanding that the only way out was to become more aware of my surroundings, my family, my friends, my job, my life. As far as personal relationships go, the loved one would leave primarily through my lack of attentiveness... my lack of awareness.

MY thinking, MY behavioUr, had been clearly mirrored back to me. This phenomenon is a remarkable and natural aspect of possessing human consciousness in the physical world. We can only ever know and understand the world through our perceptions. What is seen to be out there is simply a reflection of what's within.

For me I can see it all so very clearly, without agitation, without objection. I bow to the truth. So profound was this awakening for me that I actually felt physically different. I can also describe it as if a major shift had occurred. A shift of 'what' I can't actually put a name to, but somehow the word 'shift' seems to be appropriate.

Here I must point out where careful attention is required not to confuse all the qualities that are inside as primary. eg: All though this sense of injustice is in me, since it is of a secondary nature, I am happy to say that I am not a person who treats people unfairly or unjustly.

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You to must identify the primary and secondary qualities and re-align your perceptions correctly and without imposing judgment upon yourself. Always love and respect yourself, as well as your discoveries during self inquiry.

Now to deal fully and finally with the RECOGNITION aspect, for this is what this chapter is all about.

The Saying is... "What is seen to be out there is actually in you." This is the mirror action of life.

Going through this example brings us to one important question. How do we know that our perceptions are correct or false? This question is extremely sensitive and full of vulnerability's if precise answers are expected by anyone other than yourself, but the understanding which I myself cling to is...

Through my perceptions and understandings:

• Is my life progressing?
• Have the various stages in my life be a steeping stone to other new stages?
• Do I leave each stage accepting of what is left behind?

or

• Do I seem stuck in re-occurring situations whether they be financial, vocational, personal?
• Do the same sorts of people re-emerge into my life and bring the same sorts of situations and dramas?

If you tend to answer yes to the first group and "no" to the second group of questions, then it would seem that progress and growth are a healthy part of your life and your perceptions would have to said to be working in a positive way for you.

If the case is the opposite of the above, then this is an indicator to consider implementing change. The key to bringing about real change lies in exploring the domain of the Inner World... taking the Inner Journey to your deep self.

The major aspect of being human is consciousness. We have self-awareness. That is... we are the animal that has awoken itself to the fact that we are animal. In that awakening, we remain animal no longer since we have ascended into the realm of perceptions, understandings and realisations. However, there is a subtle trap in possessing conscious awareness, for it can bring about false perceptions if the experiences that one accumulates are not fully understood through contemplation. This subtle trap can keep us locked in the region above the animal, yet below the stage of human development where a higher and clearer consciousness brings freedom, and liberates the creative potential.

The freedom I talk of is the freedom to know, love and understand yourself to such a degree that fears dramatically reduce their stranglehold over us and the good life we try to implement. Also, in this freedom, I have personally found that the yearning and clinging aspects of myself have essentially diminished. I still have desires, dreams and goals, but the aching yearning to love and be loved has dissolved into the awareness that I am that love which I have been yearning for and seeking externally for so many years of my life.

This does not mean that I don't need people, or that I don't wish to have a life long partner, on the contrary, having found and realised my inner love... my inner self, I am finally in a position to be free enough to start living and to start loving in a refined way.

In the years before my path of self discovery, I longed to love and longed to be loved, but now I see that this longing is an indicator that the inner love has not yet been realised. Sure you may appreciate that things that I talk of, and that they sit perfectly well with you on intellectual level, but until you have realised from experience your inner love by the path of inner work, there will always be that restlessness and yearning.

When you finally realise your inner love, you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you have reached that state.

Difference between Delusion and Mis-perception

To come to an understanding that your thinking and perceptions are limiting positive progress does not mean that your life is based on total ignorance and false values. It is more likely indicating incomplete or immature understandings. In the process of self discovery, new understandings and Self-Knowledge will become a lamp on your path. When the lamp of Self-Knowledge is lit, it can never be extinguished for the fuel that keeps it lit is an enlightened understanding of the truth and the ability to recognise the truth. Having cultivated refined intuition, is to possess the mechanism that recognises the inner truth.

Delusion on the other hand is a chronic state where suffering is habitual, and the potential for positive growth and progress become very very limited. Within delusion, anger is also present for the existence of false notions reflected in new life experiences are then falsely validated to then become more chronic and distorted perceptions. Life is seen to be bitter, cruel and without compassion. Deluded thinking usually has a negative, (perhaps destructive) impact on other people as well.

"Where Do I Start?"

Your must amplify your intuition. If you already consider yourself an intuitive person yet still see a need for change, then your intuition is not being allowed to surface in the area of your life where you are stuck..

If you have a belief in God, then pray for assistance and believe that such assistance will manifest. If you don't believe in God, then believe in yourself and the fighting spirit of human nature to rise above, and be intolerant of ignorance... especially the ignorance of the Self.

Now take a look at that last paragraph. Each is written to inspire and uplift different people with different beliefs and perceptions. Hopefully, each person would find the essence of inspiration to cultivate the qualities of faith and courage, and ultimately bring about the restoration of integration, harmony and peace for the journey ahead. If uplifting inspiration is the case, then where can we say this quality comes from? This Will to carry on comes about from a deep inner experience... not from this book, or even some other place. From Within.

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Important to note is that this particular example of a positively motivating inner experience is in-consequential to the debate of Gods existence or non-existence. The inner experience, where it is known to have come from within, has to be acknowledged as the all powerful motivator that drives the human being forward through difficult times. This is the essence of the Human Spirit. This is being Spiritual.

No two people will have exactly the same perceptions on life for we are all viewing the world from our own unique viewpoint.

Just as each of our eyes are separated by a small distance, the image that the left eye sees is not the same as the right eye. What is seen from each viewpoint is slightly different; it cannot be the same. Amazingly, it is the brain that integrates these different images to expand the visual perception by giving us 3D vision. In the same way, the individual perceptions of peoples can be integrated into the common consciousness of mankind to enable a clearer and more accurately defined view of the world. In writing this book, I am contributing to the world, the understandings which have had a positive and uplifting effect in my life.

Developing Intuition.

Developing Intuition requires careful attention in the early days of the seeker. Your goal will be found in the form of "A Silent Knowledge, devoid of questions".

The surfacing of your intuition does not come in the form of words or images. It is deep and serene ( don't confuse this with some fanciful state of mystic bliss).

When an intuitive response manifests, you will not be plagued by rationalisations and questions, for those are the products of mental and logical processes. The Silent Knowledge is from your deep spiritual self... the True Self, and it is beyond all the drama and confusion.

It would also helpful to consider the Mind as the means to bring forth into the world, the offering that the True Self puts forward in guiding you through your daily life.

If the True Self is the driver of a car, then the Mind is the steering wheel responding to the direction of the driver to then allow the car, (the physical body) to go in the required direction. Obviously, amid our everyday activities there is a sort of auto-pilot which effectively gets us through our journey day-in day-out. It is when we enter unfamiliar ground or require a course correction that the auto-pilot needs to be over-ridden and control handed back for to the driver... the True Self.

We need to confidently be able to tune into and listen to the Wordless Knowledge.

All this philosophy and theory is not meant to point a judgemental finger at anyone, but is a call to awaken to the notion that there is always a higher truth to be found that can ease you through your trials. This higher truth will stop you from carrying any unnecessary burdens amid the true difficulties that must be passed through, and guide you in confidence in your everyday life.

The road to freedom and enlightenment is the way to gain a life where progress is the significant attribute of your life. Here, it is important to have a clear understanding of the use of the word enlightenment. Often it is used in a spiritual context associated with the mystic religions, or of the final union of the individual soul with God, (sometimes known as Nirvana or Samadhi.) But in our daily life amid the demands of family and work etc, can still be beautifully enhanced by the application of a love for truth and Self Knowledge enabling a life devoid of confusion and conflict. The degree of enlightenment brought about by activating awareness philosophy can only enrich your life.

To change the values we live by in an enormous task, but by seeing and concentrating on the benefits that such efforts can deliver will bring you to a realisation that you can be your main source of energy and drive in your quest to become new.

TENACITY ..."The ability to HANG ON", will help bring the transformation to your lifestyle as your thinking shifts it's attitude by mirroring new and good things for you.

FAITH ..."The certainty that exists without the support of concrete evidence", will be the first of many new characteristics to start you on your way and give you a goal to believe in.

LOVE... "Of self and others", to bring you a freedom to break loose of any restrictions that try to tie you to the past. When we do a good thing, we can be sure that a good thing will be returned to us, so to keep on acting to the goodness and truth within will see the changes we long for begin to become real and permanent in our lives.

To become aware of the causes of problems or pain in your life, is to have taken the first steps in altering these unwelcome aspects. If you want good people in your life, then your thinking has to mirror those qualities so that other people can then see them and be attracted to them. If you want people to be aware of your love, your needs, your hopes, then your thinking must demonstrate an equal awareness in your own nature. If you want trusting and sincere people to be a part of your life, then these qualities must also be evident in yourself. If you want truthful people in your life, then you must consistently live by the truth.

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After such a change is made, the mirror action of Life will help to bring such aspects into our life to enjoy always.

If we compromise our values and our own inner truth, we will compromise the quality of the life we have gained, and lose the freedom to live in Truth, Peace and Love.

Second best thinking will bring you second best situations and people. By being willing to live to your truest self, and by believing you have a right to the best in every aspect that life has to offer, then the good that you have always sought after will be sure to come to you.

All that has been discussed so far is about the aspects of our nature that might indicate a need for change and growth, but it is also vital to acknowledge that the love that you see in others... the goodness that you see in others and within the world, can only ever be appreciated by yourself because that quality is alive within you. Don't think that life will only mirror a persons inadequacies; life will also allow your beauty to manifest. The goodness that you see as being 'out there' is actually 'Within You'.

CONTEMPLATION:

My mirror was clouded with confusion...

and the blurred image I was looking at was NOT what I thought it was.

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next: Getting Off the Roller Coaster A Good Way to Love.

Watch a video on Narcissism, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviours

Pathological narcissism is an addiction to narcissistic supply, the narcissist's drug of choice. It is, therefore, not surprising that other addictive and reckless behaviours - workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving - piggyback on this primary dependence.

The narcissist - like other types of addicts - derives pleasure from these exploits. But they also sustain and enhance his grandiose fantasies as "unique", "superior", "entitled", and "chosen". They place him above the laws and pressures of the mundane and away from the humiliating and sobering demands of reality. They render him the centre of attention - but also place him in "splendid isolation" from the madding and inferior crowd.

Such compulsory and wild pursuits provide a psychological exoskeleton. They are a substitute to quotidian existence. They afford the narcissist with an agenda, with timetables, goals, and faux achievements. The narcissist - the adrenaline junkie - feels that he is in control, alert, excited, and vital. He does not regard his condition as dependence. The narcissist firmly believes that he is in charge of his addiction, that he can quit at will and on short notice.

The narcissist denies his cravings for fear of "losing face" and subverting the flawless, perfect, immaculate, and omnipotent image he projects. When caught red handed, the narcissist underestimates, rationalizes, or intellectualizes his addictive and reckless behaviours - converting them into an integral part of his grandiose and fantastic False Self.

Thus, a drug abusing narcissist may claim to be conducting first hand research for the benefit of humanity - or that his substance abuse results in enhanced creativity and productivity. The dependence of some narcissists becomes a way of life: busy corporate executives, race car drivers, or professional gamblers come to mind.

The narcissist's addictive behaviours take his mind off his inherent limitations, inevitable failures, painful and much-feared rejections, and the grandiosity gap - the abyss between the image he projects (the False Self) and the injurious truth. They relieve his anxiety and resolve the tension between his unrealistic expectations and inflated self-image - and his incommensurate achievements, position, status, recognition, intelligence, wealth, and physique.

Thus, there is no point in treating the dependence and recklessness of the narcissist without first treating the underlying personality disorder. The narcissist's addictions serve deeply ingrained emotional needs. They intermesh seamlessly with the pathological structure of his disorganized personality, with his character faults, and primitive defence mechanisms.

Techniques such as "12 steps" may prove more efficacious in treating the narcissist's grandiosity, rigidity, sense of entitlement, exploitativeness, and lack of empathy. This is because - as opposed to traditional treatment modalities - the emphasis is on tackling the narcissist's psychological makeup, rather than on behaviour modification.

The narcissist's overwhelming need to feel omnipotent and superior can be co-opted in the therapeutic process. Overcoming an addictive behaviour can be - truthfully - presented by the therapist as a rare and impressive feat, worthy of the narcissist's unique mettle.

Narcissists fall for these transparent pitches surprisingly often. But this approach can backfire. Should the narcissist relapse - an almost certain occurrence - he will feel ashamed to admit his fallibility, need for emotional sustenance, and impotence. He is likely to avoid treatment altogether and convince himself that now, having succeeded once to get rid of his addiction, he is self-sufficient and omniscient.

next: The Cyber Narcissist