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Fear of Losing Someone You Love

November 28, 2012 Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R

Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.

Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)

In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:

Even Loss is Impermanent

This, too, passes.

Fear of Losing Someone You LoveOld friends reconnect, forgive. A late mother's adages are remembered. Memories of connection come to our minds. And many of us believe in an afterlife where we will join our loved ones again.

In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.

Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxiety makes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don't belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an "us-them" mentality.

All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don't belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.

Take Action. Reduce Fear

There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.

Fear of Losing Someone You Love

If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.

People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the "relationship" is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)

This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.

Have you been immobilized by the fear of losing someone you love?

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
and here: Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog,
share here: Twitter@JodiAman, Google+
inspire here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace,

APA Reference
LCSW-R, J. (2012, November 28). Fear of Losing Someone You Love, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/11/fear-of-losing-someone-you-love



Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R

Sándor
says:
July, 18 2013 at 9:10 am
Hello! I am going through a rough period lately. A few weeks ago I started to realise, that time is going on, and we'll not live forever. My dad is 65, my mom is 55. They don't show signs of any health issues, but still I'mffeeling concerned about what will happen. In addition, I'm having a wonderful relationship with my dream girl, for almost 1 year and a half. So, please help me get rid of this. I have moments when I'm perfectly fine, but mostly I'm feeling this fear. Many thanks :-)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 20 2013 at 4:35 pm
Sandor,
Sometimes it helps to face this fear of losing people. Knowing that no matter what the relationship lives on, and that people get through unspeakable loss. Then basically take action to get closer, love more, be together so that you feel that connection fully! If you want to take more specifically let me know!
Love,
Jodi
Lindsey
says:
July, 10 2013 at 10:36 pm
its becoming so bad that if he doesn't answer my calls in a certain amount of time i start panicking....i realize on a grand scale what's going on...and I've tried so hard rationalizing with myself...truly this isn't me....but I've never loved someone with this much power before.....he is my everything...and without him i will no longer have a purpose in life

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 11 2013 at 3:14 am
He will be part of your soul whether you are together or not. You see, you were part of each of before you met, and you'll be together after this lifetime. This is but a blip in your existence together. 'Loss' as we think of it isn't real. The fear is just an anxiety hooking itself into something that you figure is a real thing to be afraid of. It gets you when you're vulnerable. Treat it as any other fear, it means only the meaning you give it. Right now it's hard to let go, but if you render it meaningless it'll go. Hope this makes sense!
Xo
Jodi
Lindsey
says:
July, 10 2013 at 10:33 pm
this is absolutely amazing....i met my soul mate about a year ago and he is absolutely amazing...things are so good for us that the better they become, the worse my anxiety of losing him gets...if i ever lost him...i would lose myself....yes i believe in God and i am strong in my faith...but how do you continue with your soul missing? I am terrified of losing him and im becoming paranoid :( its painful thinking about it.
Sukeei
says:
July, 3 2013 at 7:33 am
Dear Jodi,

I don't know how to express but thing is like that. I married 5 years back and due to some differences my wife and me got separated..Though we remained in periodically contact and sometimes even also met but things have gone out of control..I would like to say that I had during this time always faced loneliness and missed my wife a lot...I totally dipped myself in alcohol but never cheated my wife by having an illicit relationship with any gal..but things went wrong few months back..I started to visit pros. and out of 24 hours most of the time I remained in influence of alcohol or dopes..I lost my job and again I came in contact with my wife...one day I confessed my sins to my wife..she accepted and said just focus and try to be something again so we can live again together..Now, Jodi one thing I would like to say is My wife is now behaving strangely she is not talking with me properly..I m really facing vivid mental stress beyond my capacity..and I don't want to loose my wife..It has been 5 years since I last met to my wife..Is there any way I can cope with this situation?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 3 2013 at 10:45 am
Get clean, get a job, get your life together and they seek her out. xo
Dixie
says:
May, 25 2013 at 3:20 am
I think sometimes the fear and anxiety may have a basis in reality. Example: last fall I had a persistent foreboding that something bad was going to happen to one of us - i.e. me, my husband, two cats, two dogs. It was a constant anxiety that I thought about nearly every day, and was very unusual for me to experience such a thing. Sure enough, one of the cats became ill, and died. I think I was picking up on subtle behavioural and/or physiological changes in him and didn't realize it until it became very obvious. Saddest thing is that the anxiety and fear caused by his illness caused me to handle the situation badly.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 25 2013 at 8:06 am
Dear Dixie,
I might say that the foreboding brought fear so immediately that it seemed to be combined as one. The fear then continued on, causing daily anxiety. Many people have the constant fear and nothing happens to their loved ones. I am so sorry about your sweet kitty. It is such a loss to you and your family.

It is sometimes tricky to separate intuition from fear and people often worry that their fears are premonitions. This increases the fear. Which becomes it own animal, if you will. Premonitions feel quite different from fear, if you learn how to tell the difference.

"Based in reality" is relative. By that logic we can be afraid constantly. We know everything must die, (death is "real"). Some assume it is "rational" to fear only when death is imminent, but then again we know it can happen even when we are not expecting it. This can paralyze us with fear ALL the time, and I wonder if this is a way to live. Now, I wonder, why fear death or loss at all? It can be painful to loose a loved one, but why be scared? We fear that we can't handle it. Or we fear the pain of it. We can allow ourselves to feel the pain and love of loss without the fear attached. I hope this helps.
Love,
Jodi
Juliana
says:
May, 12 2013 at 11:46 pm
Thank you Jodi for the post. I am now able to calm down and release myself from this anxiety! I appreciate it so much.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 25 2013 at 7:38 am
I am so grateful for you to say so and glad you're feeling better!
Two Ways To Keep Calm In The Face Of Tragedy | Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog
says:
April, 17 2013 at 5:34 am
[...] The kinds of worries that may arise vary, for example, fear of it happening to us (vulnerable), fear of losing someone you love, fear of the world “going to hell,” fear of triggering trauma memories, fear for the [...]
Frank Foster
says:
April, 4 2013 at 7:50 am
This post lifted my soul.

Cheers
Frank Foster
Queensland, Australia

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 5 2013 at 8:24 pm
Thanks Frank, how kind of you to say. I really put my heart into that one! <3
Jennifer
says:
February, 27 2013 at 2:23 pm
I love this website, I just found it and it has changed my life greatly. As I am going thru a transition of sorts. The man I love I became jealous of him, and the article that you wrote of Fear vs Love made me realize what I've been doing with trying to control him so I wouldn't loose him. And I am afraid that I have lost him due to my jealousy as you called fear. I'm learnt alot just from reading these posts. I hope I can figure out the rest. Thank you so much for being so insightful. can you tell me any other articles that you have that I may read to assist me in learning about how to control my anger and jealous controlling nature for being in a relationship.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

February, 28 2013 at 11:27 am
I am so glad this website has helped you so much! And that my way of explaning has touched you! So tell me: What did you do with the guy?

Here are some more articles that might interest you.
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2013/02/5-important-marriage-builders-constructing-your-relationship-outside-fear/
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough/
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/06/too-anxious-to-speak-up/

Or check out http://www.healnowandforever.net and do a search! (I saw that you signed up to receive the blog post via rss)

Love,
Jodi
Jennifer
says:
March, 1 2013 at 1:30 pm
Thank you so much for the links. I'm working hard to become more open minded, the man is trying hard as well but we have some issues to resolve between each other. I've sent him links to read your posts as well to help himself. We are trying hard to over come the negative thinking. and prevail

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Blondedaytona
says:
August, 3 2014 at 8:19 am
I too have jealousy for my husband when he talks to other women cause of fear also these post help an I liketo stay connected
Pam E
says:
February, 13 2013 at 7:49 pm
After 20 years of an unhappy marriage, and a few years of being VERY alone, I fell in love (quite unexpectedly) with the love of my life. We married a few months ago and things are fantastic. But the better they get the worse the panic inside me that something is going to go wrong; one of us will get hurt, get sick, etc. things don't go smoothly like this for me, I feel like it can't continue. And the assistance of friends who try to rationalize things doesn't help, if it was rational it wouldn't be called panic, right? No matter what I tell myself, to live in the moment, enjoy what I have, that I deserve this and it's long overdue, I can't seem to get a handle on it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

February, 14 2013 at 4:39 am
Pam, It is just the fear running away with your mind. You are right about it being irrational, but sometimes reason can help us talk ourselves out of it. I am sure your fear counters with "It could happen." Try Tapping (EFT), Google it. It may help. Also face the fear. What if the worst happens, how will you be? Your fear want you to think you'll go out of your mind, but you probably have had crisis before where you kept your head. Imagine this, use it as an affirmation. Picture yourself calm in a crisis. Think about spiritual questions like why we are here and what happen when we die, knowing this life is temporary, and there is eternity beyond, can be very helpful. These are just off the top of my head. I am available to meet over skype if you ever wanted to. xo Jodi
Jodi Lobozzo Aman
says:
November, 29 2012 at 6:19 am
Losing someone's love is a fear that comes with a sense of unworthiness. You have nothing to be afraid of. The "love" you have lost lately (online "friends") hasn't really been love. Those relationships built around anxiety, misery, desperation. The real love is lasting now. See it. :)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kassadie
says:
July, 27 2015 at 9:39 pm
I struggle with the fear of losing people all the time. Before all of this fear set in, which was about a month ago, I was probably one of the happiest people you'd ever meet. I was optimistic, open, and I had decided to be happy in my life and appreciate the things that I have. My dearest mother is like my crutch, she's always been the one that understands me and she's there for me no matter what. I go to her for most of my problems. Now I strongly believe that I'll see my mom in heaven when we all get there, but if I lost her here on Earth, I don't think I would be able to handle it. My mom will be seventy when I'm just twenty-five years old. That's so scary to me. I'm have strong faith in God, I trust him, but it's like this nagging feeling that I can't get rid of. I don't really feel like this about anyone else, it's just something I can't get out of my head. Every time I'm with her and we're having fun, there's something that reminds me she won't be here with me and I get upset all over again.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 27 2015 at 10:27 pm
Hello Kassadie,
When we care about someone deeply, the thought of losing them can be terrifying. Once any anxiety sets in, including this fear of losing your mom, it tends to take over. Anxiety is a bit of a controlling bully. :) Once it's in our head, anxiety sets our minds racing in an endless loop of fear and worry. You're very accurate when you say you can't get it out of your head. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an approach that can work well for ridding ourselves of anxious thoughts and fears. It seems like you just might have already used some of the principles. You mentioned that you decided to be happy and appreciative, and it worked. Given your awareness of your thoughts and your willingness to change them positively, CBT might be quite effective for you in overcoming your fear of losing your mom. There are numerous books on the subject (your local library could be a good starting point), and there are therapists who are skilled in using CBT to help people. And perhaps other readers in this thread might have some very inspiring ideas, too. Your awareness of this already puts you one step closer to overcoming the fear.
Kassadie
says:
July, 28 2015 at 9:23 pm
Thank you so much for replying! What you've said and some of the things I've read on this site have actually helped. God bless you!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 28 2015 at 9:44 pm
Hello again Kassadie,
I'm so glad to know that HealthyPlace has been helpful. Anxiety is frustrating, but it really is temporary. Be patient with yourself as you work through this, and you'll return to that happy, open, optimistic self you know and love. :)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dan
says:
October, 24 2015 at 4:40 am
You are a doll. I feel the same way, every day.
I'll go in the middle of the night a walk to her bed lean down to her and make sure she's breathing.
I would love to hug you for about 10 hours.
Bet you and I would be best friends if we ever met.
You're a sweet girl, and your mom struck it rich when she got fortunate enough to have you by her side!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Charsi
says:
December, 4 2015 at 2:24 pm
My husband is 25 years older than me, I adore him, but I can't give my full love to him I distance myself because even tho he tells me he's not going anywhere, I know deep down that he'll die before me and I'll be left all alone, childless (we can't have children) and I just know I won't cope, I've had therapy and learn to distract myself when I get a bad thought, but some days it takes over and I get these waves of panic, I have no proper friends, I'm just existing but I want to live.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tatiana
says:
April, 3 2016 at 2:34 pm
I feel paralyzed by the same fear. My husband is 20 years older and I cry just looking into his eyes. They are tears of joy and tears of untouchable sadness. I cannot even eat lately or sleep properly it's like the fear is running through ever particle of my very existence.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alexandra
says:
January, 18 2016 at 7:59 am
I know this is an old post but I know exactly what you are going through. My mom adopted me as a single parent when she was 41. I'm 25 and on Christmas Day I had this crippling fear of how I wouldn't be able to handle ever losing her. I was get my bfs parents and I was thinking of how I rather be home with my mom right now instead of here and then I thought how they would never replace her. We spend Christmas Day at my moms and Christmas night at his parents. I had this wave of anxiety and ever since then I have not been able to get over it. I went to my dr and they put me on an antidepressant but I didn't like it. I've had good days or moments but the last two days it has been so bad. I went to DC yesterday and it has been something I have been looking forward to and I went the whole time thinking of how I wouldn't be able to get over losing her or how I would feel guilty doing that. How would I be able to live my life with out? I live with her and she is my best friend and is ALWAYS there for me. My house isn't a home without her. She knows how to praise me when I do well or just conversation. How can I live my life without her? I am not afraid to go out and enjoy my life. I just want to stay home with her. I used to be able to go out with my friends and my BF and now I'm afraid to leave her alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

jayden
says:
January, 21 2016 at 8:24 pm
You should always check on her during the weekends and also ringing her daily will be nice also.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Meg
says:
January, 24 2016 at 1:48 pm
I completely feel the exact same way! It's such an awful feeling especially when you can't get it out of your mind like you said. Hope you're doing better! If you've found anything that really helps you I would be very interested in hearing what you did.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kaity
says:
March, 5 2016 at 5:25 pm
I feel the same way I mean my moms only 50 and I'm 20 but I get scared everytime she leaves the house. I live in one of the most dangerous cities there are in the U.S and I'm scared of either someone's going to hurt her if she's alone or even a car accident I literally have to make sure her seatbelts on and I walk her to the car but I can't always be there so that's really scary I'm very paranoid about this I just love my mom with all my heart idk what I'll do if I loose her . I tell her everyday 24/7 how much she means to me that she thinks it's not normal .

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mattloaf1
says:
April, 3 2016 at 2:59 am
Feel the same way when I was in 5th grade I would call my Mom at random to see if she was ok. Now that I am 24 and she is 66 it gets really hard to think of my life on earth without her. Even as a Christian it still is hard to think about life without my Mother.
Nikky44
says:
November, 28 2012 at 9:39 pm
Thank you Jodi for this post. it helps a lot to think that when we are connected to a person, there is no loss. Loss for me was death, but now it is something else. I used to be afraid of the death of a loved one. Since i was a child and until maybe just 10 years ago, I used to visit everyone's bed at night just to make sure they are breathing.The perception of loss has changed for me.Losing the one I love now became losing "the love" of the ones I love. Death is easier for me to handle as I feel the connection can get even stronger after death because it is not limited by time or subject to any influence. It's only while reading the post that i realized that change in me. I realized that loss for me had nothing to do with death.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jastin kate villapaz
says:
June, 4 2018 at 1:02 am
I've been experiencing paranoia wherein I could see my grandma in a casket everytime I close my eyes everynight that's why I can't sleep or close my eyes either because of the situation that always appears on my mind. I am trying to drift away the thought but it still keeps appearing. Everytime the thought appears all I could do is to cry out of fear and I've tried alot of things like listening to a music to drift away the thought but it just can't, I also tried watching video that can help me sleep it can't help.(my grandma was the one who took care of me since I was just a kid.) Thats why I can't accept the fact that I'm living in a world full of uncertainty.
Cassandra Celeste
says:
July, 17 2018 at 4:45 am
I've been experiencing that too, with my best friend, my aunt, cousin, and grandparents. I've been thinking about it so much, I can't concentrate at school and can't sleep. I just want this to stop.
Zoe
says:
January, 30 2019 at 11:02 pm
I’m going through the exact same thing, just the thought of my grandma ageing makes me break down into tears because my love for her is so strong. It really is difficult to except the fact that everyone will eventually die.

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