Fear of Losing Someone You Love
Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.
Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)
In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:
Even Loss is Impermanent
This, too, passes.
In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.
Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxiety makes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don't belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an "us-them" mentality.
All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don't belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.
Take Action. Reduce Fear
There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.
Fear of Losing Someone You Love
If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.
People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the "relationship" is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)
This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.
Have you been immobilized by the fear of losing someone you love?
LCSW-R, J. (2012, November 28). Fear of Losing Someone You Love, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/11/fear-of-losing-someone-you-love
Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
I am going through a tough time emotionally... Am just trying to reach out and just let it out of me. I lost someone I loved recently, he told me he doesn't love me anymore and thinks of me a friend. My life is going to change sooner than later, as I'll be getting married to some other guy, I am worried about my parents they are getting older and I worry about loosing them all the time. I think of my ex and all the promises we made and then it ended forever just like this. This instability of life scares me. Please help me to let go things which are not in my control. I also want to know if at all we do have some control over anything... How can we cause less pain to people we love and no get hurt in process ourselves...it is all so depressing... It seems like life has no silver lining... Its debilitating even sometimes... Having to readjust all my life plans again and again to suit the ground reality...
Seeing a therapist or psychiatrist is the only true way of diagnosing mental disorders. Do know that you are not alone. Grief can be all-encompassing and can affect many areas of your life, including creating a fear that other important people in your life will die. Your age when your grandfather died is an important piece of the puzzle of what's going on. Adolescence is a hard time to experience a significant loss (any time of life is difficult for this, of course, but the developmental stage of adolescence makes teens especially vulnerable). Working with a therapist could help you process this. Know, too, that there is nothing "wrong" with you. Complicated mourning and all of its effects is something that can be processed, worked through, and overcome.
I don't want to push him away but I worry that he'll go away or something bad will happen to him. Even as I type this I realize how irrational my fear is as he literally couldn't be more clear about how he feels but he's also vocal about feeling smothered too. I try but I fear when I love someone or feel so loved and understood that I self sabotage. I don't want to push him away and sometimes when I'm worried about this or anything I find my life goes on hold to the distraction of the worry.
I've never had anyone care for me so much and vice versa. I've never had this helpless feeling of him dying or going away. It's so disruptive. In all other ways such as how we treat each other our relationship is the healthiest I've ever had. In the one area where I'm prone to worry its unhealthy. I just want to work on whatever it is in me that worries so much and as I said I worry about everything this way. When I care I care way too Much. Any suggestions on how to just enjoy my friends and the good things in my life rather than worrying about the loss. I know why I worry (childhood disappointment and abuse) but I'm tired of it and it can't be good for my poor closest friends who I incessantly worry about. I know because I've been told. Thanks for listening. I feel so foolish and am also very hard on myself for the unhealthy thoughts. Any advice would be welcome.
I also suffer from anxiety. I haven't really spoken to anyone about this because i know im being irrational and that most people dont think the way i do and im worried im crazy.
I am 21 now, living with my partner. As a child i had a really rough upbringing, my father isnt really interested in me at all and hasnt been since i was born and he left my mother to raise a child with another woman. My mother and extended family were great for the first ten years of my life but when i was 10 my mother met a man and began dating him. He was really terrible to me and unfortunately i lived with them for years and years. He was very physically and emotionally abusive and my mother stood by and let it happen for fear of losing her boyfriend. I lived with them for the majority of my life from age 10 to 17. I was in a very bad place and he cut us off from all family and relatives and anyone else i could turn to. Relatives knew what was happening but really couldnt help. His influence really changed my mother and i had no one and absolutely nothing. I was not allowed contact with anyone outside of school hours and then had to get a job after school to pay them the money to help the family because my mum had other young children to look after and he didnt want to get a job. Soon they told me i couldnt go to school and do my HSC and i should work instead and forced me to leave. It was soon after i got my licence and i snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and did my HSC staying at my fathers house for a year and a half. I left home immediately after i finished school to go to university with my partner of 4 years who i absolutely adore. Sorry for the long winded story but basically now i am so happy on my own and since i found my partner that i am so scared of losing her! I genuinely feel like im not allowed to be happy after everything and because im so completely in love and in a great relationship and great situation i feel like its going to be taken from me at any minute. Im so scared of her dying or something terrible happening to her ALL the time that sometimes it stops me from wanting to go out anywhere with her for fear of someone attacking her or something ridiculous. I do go out because i dont want this to affect her life but inside the fear is enormous!
Once again sorry for the long winded story but it is nice to get off my chest and see that other people have similar issues.
Never apologize for your story or expressing yourself! As you have seen, so many people share here (that's one of the things HealthyPlace is for) because it does feel good to "talk" and to see others' experiences. When someone finds love after the type of experiences you had growing up, it's natural to fear losing it. Seeing a therapist (on your own and/or with your partner) can help you sort things out and develop some tools to deal with the anxiety of losing love. And reading articles and comments like you're doing can possibly give you some ideas, too. You don't have to live with the restriction of this fear forever.
I recently bought a house and moved in with my fiance who I have been engaged to for a year and a half and started dating him nearly years ago when I was 18. This should be the happiest time of my life but I am so miserable and scared about everything.
I haven't stopped thinking about losing my parents and dying myself since I moved out of their house. I am literally so scared about losing them as they are only getting older and they are not in bad health but they can't do the things they use to and they are forgetting things.
All this is also making me doubt my life choices like my career and if I really want to be with my fiance. I keep dreaming about this other life I could have but it is so unrealistic. And everything is always blown apart by my constant fear of losing my parents.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated because I feel like my life is never going to get back to normal, I never use to worry about any of this stuff. I moved into my new house in January and I have been plagued ever since, I have been to the doctors and I am on a waiting list to see a councillor but I have been waiting for months. I need some help now before I waste my life away worrying about all the bad things that could happen. On a daily basis all I think about is that worst outcome of whatever I am doing at the time and terrify myself, I can't go on like this is so scary and I feel so sad all the time.
Anxiety such as what you describe is not uncommon. Being able to talk to a professional about what you're dealing with will be very helpful. It's good that you are on a waiting list for a counselor, but it would be very frustrating to wait so long. Perhaps there are other counselors in your area that have openings sooner. If not, stay on the waiting list because you will get in in time. In the meantime, you might want to look up adjustment disorders (just Google "adjustment disorders;" you'll see a whole list of reputable sites with helpful information. I just looked. :) You can also search adjustment disorders with anxiety.) You have undergone major changes. All change, whether positive or negative, involves adjustment, and that adjustment can wreak havoc on wellbeing. This might give you some insight as you wait to see a counselor.
More so that it is 1 of my 4 kids that find me. Not that it would be ess embaressily if it my hubby
Your fear is not uncommon. In fact, the majority of people do have some sort of fear around an aspect of death and dying. Fears are a normal part of being human. It is when they become disruptive to one's life, consuming thoughts, stopping or changing activities, and affecting relationships that fears become problematic. When fear reaches this level, it's often helpful to see a counselor. Together, you can address the issue and discover ways to minimize the fear so it isn't disruptive to your life.
When faced with hopelessness and suicidal thoughts, it is very important to reach out. There are resources that assist people in situations such as yours. Two numbers are 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK) - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) - National Hopeline Network -- www.hopeline.com/
I strongly urge you to use these very helpful resources.
Welcome to HealthyPlace! While nothing is a quick fix, hopefully you will find many insightful posts (both the articles themselves and people's comments and interactions) to help you sleep at night and not just live through the days but thrive.
Now I have transferred this on to relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend. My ex girlfriend was addicted to drugs and unreliable, as a result I would often panic when she went out on a late one with her friends in case she relapsed and I wouldn't see her again...she then broke up with me. Now I'm in an amazing relationship but I still can't help projecting these fears onto my current partner. Add to that insecurity from years of bullying and I really don't know how to get past this. This article certainly gave me food for thought however. Thank you.
I feel it's quite important to acknowledge the fear of losing someone you love. Acknowledging and then taking some action will certainly help to reduce the fear to some extent.
Thanks for your insights!
Anyways, thanks Jodi. Your article has a deep meaning to it.
From childhood I was often in tears over the fear of losing my parents. I quit dance lessons because I couldn't handle the anxiety of waiting for my mum to pick me up, I was so afraid that she would get into an accident on her way.
As I grew losing partners became the biggest fear and now that I have children, naturally, losing them is my biggest fear, and it is at times debilitating and can sometimes interfere with my decision making. I am afraid to let them go somewhere without me. But I usually let them, because I don't want the fear to rule my life, although sometimes it is very hard.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it other than just accept it, and continue to not let it take over too much. Most of the time I do trust the universe but I am also afraid of that trust sometimes. The love that I feel for my children is just so deep and so overwhelming and having them by my side is the most natural and joyful thing in the world. To lose my children would be the worst possible thing that could happen in my life, so the fear seems justified but it is so strong that it makes me feel physically ill and tearful especially when they leave my side. I guess for us anxious folk the best thing is just to carry on, and pour love into the people we fear losing because that's one of the only things we can control in life.
I have been fearing the loss of a loved one for quite some time now. It began when a family I know lost their son suddenly. I began to fear the pain that comes with loosing someone I love. It tends to be one specific person that I fear of loosing the most, and I've noticed the person changes as time goes on. Reading your post gave me hope. I have been feeling like I am alone in this fear which has made it worst. I believe God led me to your post. I have been feeling weary in praying for freedom from fear, but your post has given me hope and a want to persevere in my prayer.
Thank you so much for your wisdom.
Jodi is no longer writing for HealthyPlace so is unable to respond to comments. I'm sure she would be very happy to know that her post was helpful. She is wise, and what she wrote is true. I'm glad that you know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Loss is difficult to deal with. Do persevere!
Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she's unable to respond to comments. I'm Tanya, one of the current writers of the column. I'm glad you found this topic, and I hope the article as well as other comments will be helpful to you. One very important thing to realize is that you are not worthless. Having difficulties or struggling with something that feels overwhelming has nothing to do with your worth as a person! If that were the case, no one would be worth anything. We all have value, including you, and that value isn't dependent upon our lives going smoothly. Sometimes it's helpful to write out your fears. When you see them on paper, you can take a step back from them, and you can start to analyze them and pick them apart. You can list things that could happen other than what you are worried about. Also, it's sometimes very helpful to talk about your fears with a counselor/therapist. He/she can help you understand your thoughts and work through them. It is possible to overcome anxieties like this.
Fear is very strong and very real and can cause us to do things we otherwise wouldn't. While none of us can ever change what is in the past (I think everyone, myself included, has things in their past that they'd like to undo!) we can focus on what is going on now and what lies ahead. What would you like your relationship to be like? Once you really know what that would look like, you can begin taking steps to achieve it. Do you think that he and you would be willing to see a couples counselor? Such counselors (also called marriage and family therapists) can help couples learn how to interact and communicate, and they can help work on the fear of losing someone you love. I hope that your relationship moves forward the way you want it to.
Thank you so much for reading and for commenting with your story. Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. There may be readers here who have experienced something similar and can share with you things that they did to work through it. It sounds like it's important to you to have this family back in your life. It can be not only difficult but sometimes even harmful to try to provide suggestions online. Have you considered consulting a family therapist who might offer suggestions or at least suggest readings and resources that could be helpful for you. Good luck as you work to reunite.