Gaslighting Abuse Examples and How to Respond
It's one thing to recognize examples of gaslighting abuse in a relationship, but it can be difficult to know how to respond. Part of the problem with gaslighting abuse is that if it were easy to spot, it wouldn't be so effective. The reason these abuse tactics are so insidious is because gaslighters expose themselves gradually, but not without first discovering what makes us tick. As gaslighting abuse targets, we need to understand why and how gaslighters work to get us under their thumb so we can figure out how to respond. You will learn some examples of gaslighting abuse and how to respond to it if you keep reading.
Stages of Gaslighting Abuse with Examples and How to Respond
Examples of gaslighting abuse are best organized into stages of a relationship. According to the book, Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss, there are three distinct stages of gaslighting.
The idealization stage is when a gaslighter does everything possible to earn your trust. He will put you on a pedestal and make you feel you can do no wrong. The gaslighter will encourage you to be vulnerable and offer a shoulder to cry on, money, shelter, and anything else you need. This stage alone does not make for an abusive relationship, but the early idealization can be quite extreme (Early Warning Signs of Verbal Abuse).
Examples of gaslighting abuse in the idealization stage:
- "You don't need to worry, I'll keep you safe."
- "I can't imagine you ever making me unhappy."
- "You're so perfect."
- "I'll give you everything you want and need."
- "Here, have these beautiful flowers/expensive jewelry/champagne as a token of my love -- and expect many more."
How to respond: Remind your partner that you are a human being with flaws, and you are most certainly not perfect. Try not to rely on someone you don't know very well, and keep your money/home/employment separate if possible. Be careful what you share early on in a relationship, especially if you suspect someone could be a gaslighter: abusers prey on vulnerability, after all.
The devaluation stage is where the gaslighter starts to break you down. He or she will repeatedly criticize you and undermine your self-esteem. You will be made aware you're doing something wrong, but it will be difficult to tell exactly what that is. You may be given extensive rules to follow under the guise that they are "in your best interests" and the gaslighter will make you feel like you've lost your mind.
Examples of gaslighting abuse in the devaluation stage:
- "You've really disappointed me and I think you should feel disappointed with yourself."
- "Why do you do that? Are you trying to make me unhappy?"
- "You're so stupid sometimes."
- "I never said that. You must have imagined it."
- "That didn't happen -- you're crazy. You're exaggerating it to make me look bad."
- "If you can't change, I can't be with you. You need to try harder to please me."
How to respond: Try to create boundaries in the relationship and take back some control. If someone repeatedly criticizes you or undermines you, tell him it's not okay and to treat you with more respect. If you're made to feel like you made something up or didn't happen, don't fight back. Calmly explain that your version of events is how you remember it and change the subject. Create distance between you and the gaslighter wherever possible, and if you can, leave.
Once the gaslighter has eroded your self-esteem and convinces you you're crazy, he will eventually discard you. This could happen after many years, and it's important to note that it doesn't always mean breaking off a relationship. A gaslighter can discard you in other ways by telling you that you're not important, having an affair, ignoring you, withholding, coming and going, or keeping you in limbo about the future of your relationship.
Examples of gaslighting abuse in the discarding stage:
- "You're pathetic. I deserve someone better."
- "I'm leaving now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."
- "You keep making me unhappy and you obviously don't care, so I'm leaving. It's your own fault."
- "I don't care about you anymore."
- "You're a waste of space."
- "You disappointed me."
How to respond: Try to resist begging him to stay -- that's what he wants. Get out now before your dignity is destroyed and don't look back. Change your number, delete him from social media, and if he comes crawling back (which he inevitably will) don't fall for his charms -- he will undoubtedly revert back to the idealization stage if he thinks you have moved on (How to Recover From the Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse).
What If You Don't Want to Leave Your Gaslighter?
Not everyone can (or even wants to) leave an abusive relationship. However, if you stay with a gaslighter, you must be genuinely sure that person can change, and that you can develop abuse coping strategies for when the abuse returns. Tell him you're done with the games, and he needs to learn to treat you better. He should be getting help for his own issues before he can hope to have a healthy relationship with you.
Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss, Simon & Schuster Free Press, 2008.
Disclaimer: I realize that both men and women can be victims of abuse; my pronoun choices are merely reflective of my own experience.
Smith, E. (2018, March 27). Gaslighting Abuse Examples and How to Respond, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, November 24 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/03/gaslighting-abuse-examples-and-how-to-respond
Author: Emma-Marie Smith
My boyfriend, gaslights me. I don’t think he understands what he’s doing or if he does, why. I get angry sometimes at the things he does and I ask for things like for him to come home and not hang out with this coworker of his who has failed relationships and he’s kind of a hoe but I don’t judge. I ask my boyfriend to stay home even when I’m at work. I ask him these because it helps me feel comfortable with him and that I know where he is and he doesn’t have any negative influences around him anymore, at least for a little bit. He cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, maybe halfway, and of course that would cause trust issues. But he tells me that that’s the past, that I’m crazy, that I need to chill, calm down, that he doesn’t want to be home alone for what? less than 7 hours? And I’m getting tired of it. I’ve always been there for him, taken care of him, he’s had toxic “best friends” who dipped on him but I remained there for him. Even after the cheating and lying (and he still lies to me to avoid getting into arguments?), and the name calling, I have stayed. And now that he’s making money and has this new “bestfriend” who “gets him” (the coworker) he’s all that and gaslights me and doesn’t wanna listen to me. He laughs at me. Idk what to do, how to respond to this, please somebody give me advice. Thank you.
Hi, I was with this guy for 2.5 years. I don’t know if I need therapy at this stage. I cane across this term recently but everything you explained is what exactly happened to me through the time I was with this guy. We both work at the same place and since I am an immigrant, I have to think about a thousand things before I change jobs. He seems to be so nice that I just feel drawn into him. Ofcourse things have changed over the past several months when I found out that this guy had been cheating on me for the entire relationship long distance. I happened to speak to the woman and I am not sure if I should be calling her a gaslighter as well because whatever I told her about him, she told him and he said I did not mean anything, he told me that he was in love with me only to fill the void. After a lot of back and forth with this guy, we happened to talk through it and he told me the relationship is over and she is talking to him, venting to him to heal. I felt terrible speaking to her but since what he told me was not what I was feeling, i spoke to her again and she told me that he was asking her back. Several of such things happened and he only lies, he tries to find ways to speak to her. Everything I ask him, he twists the truth and eventually makes me feel like I am wrong. I am sick and tired of all this. I can prove nothing.
On the other hand, there was this woman he was speaking to at work. I found out that he had been in an inappropriate conversation with her and he keeps denying that they ever got intimate. The chat clearly suggested that it was an on going thing but he denied the truth and told me he was only bantering with her. I was going to go to HR to report him but he stopped me from doing so with his sweet words. Plus, my job would be at risk with this as well. I wanted to talk to this woman as well but he shut me down here as well. There is no way iI could expose him. He denies even the proof that is in written. He denies everything. During our arguments, he somehow managed to put the woman at work under the carpet and put the entire entire focus on the woman who is far away, who he is still speaking to. She is cheating on her husband herself and whatever I tell her doesn’t sink into her either. I have never been in such a messed up relationship before. I am trying ways to divert myself from this but since him and I work at the same place, he comes over to me and get me talking. Please tell me what to do.
I moved countries to get away from my ex partner of 4yrs that did this all to me. I was abused 24/7 for 4yrs, and he still hasn't apologize or excepted what happened. He says I'm making it up. Now I live at home with my two daughters and am a early childhood teacher.
I heard about this term on the Today show, and realized that my brain tumors had me victim of these personalitiies all of my life, but now I don't have any where to run. My meningioma has cost me everything even my daughter. I love her, and feel as though she will go on.
But no MRI's should ever happen directly after surgery, and am grateful by whatever force allowed my voice to say no to that. I had staples in my skull, and in my wrist, the cat scan burned me, and hope some day there is legislation that stops state approved vegatables, because the surgeon smiled down at me , and said it was standard procedure. I said how? It goes against basic science?
I want to learn how to avoid these people, because I don't want to die, or get this close to death again.
I have known my husband for almost 30 years. When my father passed away in 2016 suddenly, I had to go out of state to take care of his estate. I always knew my husband was a weirdo, but had no idea that he is a narcissist. I had heard of of the word before, but I had no idea that I would become an expert on them. I just got into another gas-lighting session by my husband.
To make a long story short, his mask fell and he acts like he could care less that I know. Of course I don't come right out and poor gas on the fire by calling him out by name. My narc acts like a complete moron, so it's hard to figure out just how aware he truly is. Since I have been observing him, I have to the conclusion that I despise him. Moving out in a couple of weeks and filing for divorce.
Not sure where I should write this but here goes.
Long story made shorter:
My wife told me she was sexual abused by her older brother-in-law when she was 10 years old. As a result I found it hard to be friendly to her sister who was married to the abuser ( the abuser is no longer on the scene), she (her sister) wasn't a nice person which made things much harder so as a result I avoided her sister at all costs because I knew sooner or later I would tell all to her sister, my wife wanted to know why I wouldn't talk to her sister or get involved with any of her sister's parties etc so i told her the truth, I said I found it hard to forgive her sister for what happened to my wife when she was younger, I wanted to ask her sister lots of questions such as where were you when this abuse was happening. As a result of me telling this to my wife my wife tried to Gaslight me by saying I made all the abuse claims up and was getting off on it too ( sick or what? smh ) , mentally I was at a low point and thought I was losing it, suicide had entered my head for a while, anyway a week or so past then my Wife told me she DID say she was abused but she was just naive, she said her brother-in-law had just put his arm around her whilst they were both sat on the sofa and she was 14 years old at time. She changed her story for the second time & if I told our children or anyone else anything different she would tell them I was lying. That was enough for me, our marriage was over. First of all my wife tried to make me think I was losing my mind by saying I made all the abuse claims up & then she went on & changed her story again and threatened to tell everyone I was lying if I did tell anyone the truth. Enough was enough and that was it. I avoid her at all costs now, she has moved out but when she comes over to see her son I avoid her at all costs. She is toxic and twisted and will do anything to keep her abuse claim a secret.I have no thoughts of suicide anymore but i do struggle on a daily basis with my mental health but I am getting better, time does heal and avoiding toxic ex-partners at all times does help.
After reading and watching the video and the responses, i know my husband is an abuser, who probably did this gaslighting thing, still does. He smokes weed, I smoke also, which really makes things confusing. I've finally told him it's over (again)... He's given me bruises, black eyes, busted noses. But it's all my fault, always. I forgive easily, but can not let go, and when I finally get comfortable and think we're on the right track, he proves to me again that he has empty promises. He tells me he loves me, but love shouldn't hurt and I shouldn't feel like I do. I'm strong now, which is always how I am when I've finally had enough, but in a few days, I'll cave and the cycle will begin again. I finally noticed the last cycle that ended and began, and said to myself, I started the cycle over again.. I've been in relationships like this my whole life, my mother, my father (who was abusive to me), my daughter and son who mimics their dad... I am 44, married 4 times and have been with emotional abusers my whole life, but other than my father, no other man has put their hands on me like my abusive husband. He even spit in my face during one of our really bad physical fights. I had accidentally scratched his face when he came at me, and that was it. I ended up with two black eyes, a busted nose and lip and a huge hematoma on my calf where he kept punching me, as I was grasping for air after defending his blows to my face... I was gasping for air, he was punching away. Who does that? I definitely have PTSD from his abuse, my father's abuse and from my grandfather's sexual molestation from a little child. Before my husband, I worked full time as a nurse, had my own house I purchased on my own and two cars, one for me, paid off and one for my abusive son, who also tried to physically abuse me. When my husband got with me and found out about that, he kicked my son out when he started to be disrespectful to him. I felt my husband saved me from my disrespectful children, but he totally ruined my life. I have about 60thousand in debt right now, tons of creditors calling me daily. What I do have are good friends who understand what I'm going through and helping me, in my time. My family quit speaking to me after they tried to help me and I went back to him. In a way, it's better, I would rant about what he did to me, and then he'd gaslight... I love you, I'm sorry.... Then the cycle starts. They couldn't see me, can't see me like I am. I hope I stay away from him for good.
I know whAT I SEE I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING I AM NOT Crazy!! Can anyone please tell me if the security cameraS I HAVE Can be fudged because after I see things they seem to disappear leaving me feeling rather LOOKING crazy TO OTHERS!! I KNOW WHAT I SAW!!!! HELP PLEASE!! MY OLE MAN IS A LOCAL FUNERAL DIRECTOR and really is a likable guy hence the problem I have having ANYONE BELIEVE ING ME OVER MY CHARMING HUSBAND! UGH HELP ME IM LOSING EVERYONE Around me.. Oh God!
OMG IM NOT ALONE!!!!~
The biggest mistake i made while president of a local NAMI chapter was to bring on the board of directors someone I thought was a friend. She gas-lighted me from the start which was part of a longer trend I did not see until later. Eventually, I resigned as president mostly because of her actions on the BOD. Unfortunately, she is beginning to show up in other parts of my life uninvited. I will be pushing her out of those areas or confronting her about it if needed. My wife is in full support of whatever reasonable actions I take to end this situation.
I have been in a 17 year relationship that has slowly but surely locked up a little piece of "me", until I don't even recognize myself. This is the first time I have heard of gaslighting. In a way it is a huge relief to finally be able to define what he has done to me but in another way it is terrifying. He hasn't worked in over 10 years. In that 10 years I purchased a home while supporting my children and him. The home is in my name alone, but of course he tells everyone that he paid for everything and that he will never allow me to sell the house. Unfortunately if I don't sell the house I won't have the money to get away from him. I have almost erased this entire comment 10 times just for fear of him seeing it, somehow. What do I do???????
My soon to be ex husband is my gaslighter. I am currently trying to get free of him and not expose my 10 year old daughter to anymore than she has been already. We have moved out and are in hiding. The most difficult thing now is reading letters from his lawyer defending him and repeating his lies. I know that that is what the lawyer is being paid to do, but it feels like I am reliving it all over again.
I went through this too. My ex-husband lied to the extent of getting sole custody of our Daughter. I lost everything. I have no savings, no retirement and lost my apartment. I am now sleeping on a friends couch. Be careful...they are methodical and insidious.
how can that even happen, you didnt have a good lawyer, or he paid your lawyer not to protect your rights
The relationship is with my son. He is Bipolar, narcissistic and a master at gaslighting. We've hit the Discarding stage - he has now discarded me and our last meeting will be in a few days. Found myself writing a message to salvage the relationship and then went searching for gaslighting articles to see if this was healthy. It isn't. He is the only one that can set boundaries even when living at my house. I've spent months in isolation and the moveout was very dramatic. He is showing signs of remorse however knowing my compassion is a weakness to attempt be leveraged - forgiveness is assumed.
How to be a mother to an adult offspring gaslighter? All psychological help he received was 'abuse' including medications. How does one continue to love and care deeply for someone who hurts you intentionally? How do you walk away from your only child? Forgiveness is inherent in motherhood - withholding forgiveness hurts everyone, So very sad.
Dear Sue Ellen
I have learned after many years, that you can’t fix the relationship. He will break your heart over and over again, as long as you allow it. Do you know the Humpty Dumpty poem, all the kings men couldn’t put him together again. Such is your relationship. I would imaging he has been different even as a baby. He is a loner, who has little emotion for anyone and really prefers to be alone, except a few who are inferior to him, but will be there, when he needs them, for a tennis game, or to help him in some way in his life that he can’t do alone.
I can understand wanting to keep him in your life, but it will only break your heart again. If you want him, meet him at a coffee shop or restaurant a couple of times a year. He has cut the apron strings, severely and they can never be sewn back again. Don’t give him any advice, or give a negative opinion on anything you see or hear from him, only listen, ask questions but don’t comment, he doesn’t really want to hear your thoughts about his life. Just be a sounding board and he will tell you what is going on in his life.. He will only hurt you over and over. He might be in your life again, but then he will abandon you once again. Eventually you will except it, even though you want it differently. He isn’t normal with any relationships in his life, it’s not you or anything you have done. He is just who and what he is. A lot of the people in the world are not caring of others. Make him put his own roof over his head, etc. he is old enough to live the life he, himself, has earned.
My husband doing this to me
Sorry to hear this Julie, do you have anyone you can reach out to for support?
Sending you good vibes and strength from someone who's been there.
MINE TO JULES!!!! AS OF AUGUST5,2018