Facing an eating disorder relapse, I’m settling into my first full day of inpatient eating disorder treatment. So in case my beating around the bush in previous posts didn’t make it clear: I’ve relapsed back into my eating disorder. I wish I could say this was uncommon. It’s not – estimates for relapse in the first year after eating disorder treatment are nearly 50%. I’ve been bouncing in and out of treatment for three years now; I have met women who have been doing so for ten years or more. And while I could go into a long diatribe about how the eating disorder relapse rate might be lower if insurance companies covered treatment earlier in the disorder (oh wait – I’ve already done that), instead I want you to consider something. Maybe a little relapse can be good for your eating disorder recovery.

Writing an eating disorder blog, I walk a fine line. This is not my personal blog for me to whine and complain about everything that is going tough for me in recovery, and certainly not the place for me to discuss my weight, BMI, or specific behaviors.  At the same time, this blog was never meant to read like a peer-reviewed journal article, sterile and clinical. There are plenty of resources out there written by professionals - which I am not - that can tell you all about the ins and outs of symptoms of eating disorders, their treatment, their recovery. In fact, there is a lot of great information in HealthyPlace's own Eating Disorder Community section. So today, you just get a personal entry. Where I am in recovery. What I'm struggling with. What the next few weeks will bring for me.

As I mentioned in my post during National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, over half of eating disorders in the United States are diagnosed as "Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified" or ED-NOS. It's a tricky thing to pin down, ED-NOS is. The manifestation of this eating disorder is as varied as its many sufferers and carries a stigma and set of problems all its own. So if I'm diagnosed with ED-NOS - what the heck does that even mean? What does it mean for my recovery? What does it mean for my access to eating disorder treatment?

One of the most frustrating things about having an eating disorder and attempting recovery is dealing with insurance companies. To be honest, I know of very few people who have had a truly positive experience with their insurance companies. This goes for all levels of eating disorder treatment: outpatient, partial hospitalization, residential, and inpatient. If you're lucky, your eating disorder treatment team will fight for you to get the insurance coverage you need. If you're not lucky, you may be doing it on your own. While I might one day do an article later about how to deal with your insurance company and fight for the eating disorder treatment you need, today is not that day. Today's post is borne out of pure frustration. Why Won't Insurance Companies Pay For Eating Disorder Treatment? Open Letter to Insurance Companies

Even considering to seek inpatient treatment for your eating disorder is a big step. On the whole, we don't like to admit how bad things have gotten. Considering inpatient or residential treatment means that you have to recognize that your behaviors, your thoughts, your eating disorder is out of control. It's nearly inconceivable at some points to think this - after all, isn't your eating disorder what gives you control? Why would we seek inpatient treatment for the eating disorder?

Yeah, okay. It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. What's there to be "aware" of? We all know that eating disorders are for vain, pretentious teenage girls. It's just a stage. They'll get over it. And it's not like being "too thin" is going to kill you. That's what everyone believes, right? Everybody has heard of eating disorders at this point, so why are we taking a week to specifically "make people aware"?

This week, February 24-March 2, is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week in the U.S. In this video, I share the ideas behind NEDA Week, as well as how the stigma of eating disorders relates to the Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign on HealthyPlace.com.

I've been listening to some audio teachings by Brene' Brown, a leading researcher on the subject of shame. Shame - that feeling of not being "enough," not being worthy - is something that we with eating disorders are all too familiar with. Brene' says early on, "If you don't claim shame, shame will claim you." How many of our eating disorders and addictions began out of a place of shame? How many of us have allowed our shame to control our lives and for how long?

Let's be honest: my eating disorder recovery is...shaky at the moment. I admit this to you for two reasons. One: if you're also in recovery from an eating disorder and having a rough time of it, that's normal and you're not alone. Two: if you're on the outside looking in, don't be fooled into thinking that just because your loved one "looks" normal, or stopped purging, or stopped over-exercising, that they're not still struggling. The fact is, struggling is part of the journey. Nobody said recovering from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or any other disordered eating pattern would be easy - and if they did, they were lying to you.

When I took over this eating disorder blog, I did so with two purposes in mind. First, to offer support to those who are also in recovery from their own eating disorders and educate them on how to make their recovery stronger. Second, to help the friends and family of those with eating disorders better understand what their loved one is going through. I think to this point, I have done a decent job on the first purpose. However, my own fear of "too much" self-disclosure has kept me from accomplishing the second. To be honest, it's hard to put into words just what kind of hell living with an eating disorder is. Especially in the midst of it, when your head is spinning and words seem difficult to grasp. As a result, most of my writings from my worst days of my eating disorder seem to ramble and go off on tangents and almost always ended with the conclusion that I wasn't really sick, I was just crazy and I should just kill myself for being such an attention-seeker.