Dealing with Denial in Dissociative Identity Disorder
Wednesday, January 13 2016 Crystalie Matulewicz
Dealing with denial in dissociative identity disorder is key. Denial is a defense mechanism we have likely all engaged in at various points in our lives. At times, denial can be a useful method to help us cope. When it comes to your dissociative identity disorder (DID), however, denial can lead to a breakdown in system communication and can hinder treatment efforts.
Denying Your DID Diagnosis Can Occur at Any Time
Denial is one of the stages of grief. Many people assume that once you go through the first denial stage and come to acceptance, you won't have to deal with denial again. The reality is that denial can occur at any time. A person with dissociative identity disorder (DID) may not experience denial until years after his or her DID diagnosis. It is even possible for a person to deny their diagnosis, accept it, and then experience denial again at a later time.
Recurring Denial of My Dissociative Identity Disorder
That last scenario is exactly what happened to me. I worked through the denial of my DID diagnosis early on. I eventually acknowledged that my diagnosis was real and came to accept it. I thought for sure that would be the end of any denial I would ever have to go through about my diagnosis.
But I was wrong. Last month, I experienced a series of troubling flashbacks and new memories triggered by the [then] upcoming holiday season. It sent me into complete emotional chaos. I didn't want to believe that the flashbacks and memories were true. I couldn't handle acknowledging and accepting that we (my parts and I) went through that trauma. So instead, I cut myself off from it. I told myself that these flashbacks were just really bad nightmares my mind made up to scare me.
But denying those flashbacks and memories didn't stop the chaos that was going on in my inside world. My angry teenager part was angrier than ever. A younger part was upset and wouldn't stop crying because she missed our mother. This was completely contradictory to me because our mother was the very person who hurt us, the person who made those flashbacks and memories so unbearable and difficult to accept.
I tried to rationalize everything. I told myself the memories couldn't be real because if they were, I wouldn't be dealing with a crying child who misses her mother. A child wouldn't miss the very person that hurt her. Once I talked myself into denying my trauma, I used that to deny my diagnosis. I told myself that since I didn't experience any trauma, I didn't have DID. The flashbacks were made up and the voices in my head were just figments of my imagination.
Denial of Your DID Diagnosis and Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person's attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, or knowledge conflict with each other. In my case, and in the cases of many others who experience denial of their DID diagnosis, I knew on an intellectual level that my diagnosis was correct. I had all of the symptoms and I met every diagnostic criterion. As I engaged in denial, my belief that I did not have DID conflicted with the knowledge that I did.
When cognitive dissonance occurs, it creates an unsettling, uncomfortable feeling that doesn't subside until you resolve the conflict. I hit a fork in the road and I had to choose which side to go. I have always had a thirst for knowledge, and I ended up choosing what I knew all along was always right: I have DID. I can't deny it.
Don't deny your DID denial. It's okay to talk about it. Tell your therapist. I made the mistake of keeping my denial and resulting dissonance to myself and ended up shutting myself away from all of my parts, and now I have to work to get that communication back.
There will always be bumps in the road when you are living with DID, but these bumps are never impossible to overcome.