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Passing as Normal with Dissociative Identity Disorder

November 11, 2010 Holly Gray

If I'd kept quiet about my brush with hospitalization a couple of weeks ago, my doctor would have been the only person who knew anything was seriously wrong. I missed a blog post the following Monday, but easily could have feigned some other, less embarrassing emergency. We were in the midst of moving and still managed, with a great deal of help that would have been necessary either way, to get the old place emptied and the new one full. Even my family didn't realize the jeopardy I was in. How is it possible to be desperately unwell and no one know? Dissociative Identity Disorder makes passing as normal not only possible for me, but nearly unavoidable.

[caption id="attachment_865" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Photo by Trang Nguyen"]Photo by Trang Nguyen[/caption]

Nobody realizes that
some people expend tremendous energy
merely to be normal.
- Albert Camus

Dissociative Identity Disorder Develops to Conceal the Intolerable

Imagine a four year old boy. We'll call him Bobby. His father flies into unpredictable, violent rages. What provokes laughter and camaraderie one day will earn Bobby a terrifying beating of staggering proportions the next. When his father hits and kicks him, Bobby's mother hovers nearby murmuring at his father to calm down, as if what's happening is merely a temper tantrum and not overwhelming violence. Afterward, no one acknowledges what has happened. If Bobby mentions his pain or fear, he is punished severely.

This is an example of the kind of situation that is a breeding ground for Dissociative Identity Disorder. Bobby regularly experiences severe trauma. He cannot predict what will set his father off and is therefore in a constant state of vigilance. He has no help, no way out. No one addresses his suffering and he is expected to conceal it. He must appear normal, healthy, and well cared for. Bobby's mind adapts and learns to compartmentalize in order to meet the outrageous demands of his abusive environment. How do you eat dinner with a man who, hours earlier, beat you senseless? How do you politely ask him to pass the butter? The solution DID offers is simple: you aren't aware of the violence, or the fear and pain it causes.

Multiples are able to function at a high level and "pass" as healthy by dint of an elaborate inner world and exhausting always-on-guard compensatory strategies for avoiding detection by others. - The Stranger in the Mirror, Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall

Dissociative Identity Disorder Disguises Problems

The mind of an adult with Dissociative Identity Disorder is stunningly adept at concealment. Like Bobby, people with DID often aren't aware of the paralyzing fear, the crushing grief and pain that exists somewhere in the dissociative web until it wells into a full-fledged crisis. Even then, Dissociative Identity Disorder helps them - even forces them - to pass as normal. This is how a person like me can appear to function normally while struggling to survive.

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APA Reference
Gray, H. (2010, November 11). Passing as Normal with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 24 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2010/11/passing-as-normal-with-dissociative-identity-disorder



Author: Holly Gray

Charlene
says:
January, 11 2019 at 5:02 am
I am so thankful I stumbled on this site. First time I am seeing/witnessing people like me who understand the difficulty every day of trying to maintain "normalcy". We are doing it, but at our insides expense yet also not. what a dichotomy. I need to go get normal for work but will be back later today.
Aiko
says:
October, 15 2018 at 12:30 pm
I have only had it for a month.
Guy
says:
June, 7 2017 at 1:43 am
My partner has did and i don't know how to deal with it like ive had a lonf history of having unfaithful partners and I constantly fear that my partners alters will do something that will hurt me I trust my partner but I don't know if I can trust the alters and I don't know how to go about it the most dominant of alters doesn't like me and is cold to me when in control and whenever I bring up my concerns or problems or my fears I feel like I push alter and my partner away further do you have any advice on broching the subject or coping ?
Eugene
says:
February, 2 2017 at 1:28 am
Love has seven different her one is meaner than the other one and the last one has took hold of her within the last 2 months
Tasona
says:
June, 29 2016 at 1:24 am
My husband may suffer with DID. Or at least I suffer. It's so difficult to explain and can't quite put your finger on it but when he "leaves" it's like being married to a stranger. He says the same things acts the same way until he does something totally out of character that leave my family with their mouths hanging open is disbelief. It's not the things he does its more of what he doesn't do that is the huge difference in him and his other dude in there. It's a difference I can feel in my gut. The bouts seem to be lasting longer and longer up to about 6 months now at a time. It is close to destroying me and our marriage. "He" came back yesterday home from work and it took me a few hours to know it was him and not the other dude. There are grey areas and not easy to detect right away. Well I've cried most all night and this morning because I missed him so much and I am terrified he will "leave" again. How do I keep him around for a while? What am I doing wrong that makes him "leave"? Please I need so answers and prayers so desperate. Thank you all for sharing your world with me. It helps me understand my husband a little better. Sincerely from Mississippi

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Crystalie Matulewicz
says:
June, 29 2016 at 1:20 pm
Tasona,

First, I wanted to say that you are not doing anything wrong, and you are not doing anything to make him "leave". You yourself also can't really do anything to keep whatever is going on from happening. Have you spoken to him about these changes? Is it something that he recognizes?
Taylor
says:
June, 19 2016 at 8:48 am
I learned to put a twist on what society sees as normal to make it seem like I still have the personality Thats been void for so long. I can almost literally see the mask I use to hide like it's the frame of a pair of glasses.
I can't say anything.
Both of my parents are dissociative so I was prone My did was a trigger waiting. I'm carrying myself everywhere I go, in my arms, on my back, mind, throat, and tongue. Im choking on this secret it's like a double life. The elephant in the room decided to get up and sit on me. It takes 60% of my strength to hold myself together and I know I know I didn't say 100% but when the outside world is JUST as straining I'm sure you can see why it feels like im breaking. I'm constantly watching myself making sure I don't let something I'm hiding slip. Which brings paranoia leading to anxiety that's me cracking under the pressure of everything. I can't put it in order ,youll see it's all just a vicious cycle . when I can't calm myself down there's usually some kind of substance available one way or another and I don't mind stealing at this point. My nerves have a constant horrible sensation kind of like electricity, caffine over load, or like someone's put your blood flow on fast forward. This never makes it to the surface and sometimes it doesn't make it to me either. I need to feel a thrill stronger than my anxiety level different from the worrying adrenalin rush I get on a daily basis. Sex, drugs, dangerous situations, telling people the ACTUAL truth then saying "I'm just kidding I would never" I'd be considered the wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm a little fulfilled Knowing that sometimes I dont care that i make people's lives harder. I feel a sense of emptiness so I take energy from others, blunt truth. What a life that I've learned to have fun with.
gretel
says:
February, 12 2016 at 7:04 pm
I just wanted to say that you are so gifted as a writer.

"How do you eat dinner with a man who, hours earlier, beat you senseless? How do you politely ask him to pass the butter? The solution DID offers is simple: you aren’t aware of the violence, or the fear and pain it causes."

This is so close to actual life at my house when I was a kid that it gives me chills. What a concise and descriptive passage. Keep on keeping' on, Holly. I appreciate your work.
Liam
says:
September, 5 2015 at 3:08 am
It took a long time of watching to figure out I split things to remove the bullying of school from my life at home. How I disassociated myself from sexuality to protect myself from being gay in the deep south. How, depending on context, I could believe things that contradicted, when deep down I didn't care of either opinion. The Watcher, Elfboy, The Kid... the years of thinking I knew what was going on, yet never learning. Then integrating and breaking down the memory walls to ... be a fragmented person. I lived better split than a ghost in the world of people who are 'just themselves'. There are too many possibilities - which you should you be? In that moment of uncertainty, you are nothing - and you can't pass for normal with that sort of behavior.
Miss Lisa
says:
February, 17 2011 at 10:33 am
I am wondering how I can help my sister more, she was recently diagnosed with DID. She, and me, are so glad for the understanding of the circumstances that comes with an accurate diagnosis?

How can I best be there for her?

What if I don't know how badly she is really doing?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
February, 17 2011 at 2:42 pm
Hi Lisa,

First of all I think it's wonderful that your sister has someone (you) who cares and is willing to take the time to learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder. Not everyone has that.

I think psycho-education is priority one, personally. It's hard to offer support when you don't understand what you're dealing with. If I were you, I'd read The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock to begin with. It's really accessible and offers accurate basic information about DID. I'd also recommend The Stranger in the Mirror by Marlene Steinberg. It's easy to read and does an incredible job of normalizing dissociation while also highlighting the severe symptoms that differentiate people with DID from those without. I like both of those books so much for those new to DID because they both take the scary out of it, so to speak. It's much easier to learn to manage something that isn't completely terrifying and intimidating.

"What if I don’t know how badly she is really doing?"

You won't always. And neither will she. I always say that one of the more frustrating things about living with DID is that you don't know you've fallen off a cliff until you hit the ground. She may hit the ground without either one of you anticipating it - and that may happen many times. As long as she's safe, it's not the end of the world. She can begin to anticipate decompensation by paying attention to mental health warning signs. Dissociation makes that hard and that exercise may be very frustrating for her right now. Over time, and through trial and error, she will begin to get a clearer picture of the red flags that signify deteriorating mental health. You can help by listening, observing, and asking questions. Over time and trial and error you too will begin to get a clearer picture of what it looks like when your sister's not doing well, no matter how well her system covers it up.

It really is a process. A long, and arduous one at that. And change may occur slowly. But I can personally attest to the fact that, slow or not, that change can be remarkable.

Hang in there.
Nicholas Coben
says:
November, 30 2010 at 10:35 am
I don't believe I have complete multiple personalities but I have experienced moments were certain things will trigger a reaction. I just feel like my mind and my emotions just wash off me and I feel different, talk different, but I still largely remember MOST things I do. The hypothetical you talked about could be my story basically. My father was always inconsistent with how he responded on any given day, sometimes it would be complete and utter apathy other times it would be profound control and anger over the slightest things. He was never abusive to the point of causing lasting injury but there were many times when he struck or kicked me. I've always had a high pain tolerance (although I'm now questioning as to why) so the pain itself never bothered me, it was the depth of passion that he did it and the spontaneity of it (some of the most severe physical traumas were some of the most unexpected or flat out unwarranted punishments). Sometimes I would get sent home from school and he would laugh it off, other times I would joke around a little and suddenly find myself with all of my possessions revoked. I started reading books (because they were the only thing I consistently had since they were never taken away) and sleeping a lot at a young age to avoid my father. I probably would have been fine after a while but as I turned into a teenager my father began keeping me from leaving the house more and more and eventually I started to just avoid going anywhere, doing anything, caring about life. Recently I had a breakdown after a poor semester in college (mono) and suddenly just looked around. Ever since then I feel as though I am 12 years old again, most things that have happened since then are foggy and I've realized that I have basically let my teenage years pass right by me. I guess now that I'm away from my father I am changing back to the way I feel I am, which probably explains the fogginess of all my memories in between. I suppose the one good thing about all of this is that I'll know how to raise my children.
(and WHO not to raise them around!).

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 30 2010 at 3:29 pm
Hi Nicholas,

I think the kind of inconsistency in childhood you describe can be incredibly damaging. There's no way to protect yourself because you can't ascertain what behaviors garner what sorts of responses. That creates a hopeless, helpless situation - something no human being can endure for long without repercussions of some kind.

"I don’t believe I have complete multiple personalities but I have experienced moments were certain things will trigger a reaction. I just feel like my mind and my emotions just wash off me and I feel different, talk different, but I still largely remember MOST things I do."

One thing to be aware of is that dissociation exists on a spectrum. Dissociative Identity Disorder is the most severe manifestation, but there are other dissociative disorders as well. Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS), for instance, is often similar in many ways to DID. You can read more about DDNOS here: http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm#types

Thanks for commenting, Nicholas.
suzanne
says:
November, 27 2010 at 9:26 pm
i too suffer did and can sit and scream at the doctors that i need help and they don't see it. until recently when i went to jump off a bridge and then a balcony, the doctors realised just how low i was. he has told me i am very well trained to hide my true self. mind you i had no idea what i was doing at the time. i only have been told about it. here in australia help is almost non existant. so it's great to have contact with healthyplace.com.
thankyou

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 30 2010 at 3:15 pm
Hi suzanne,

I'm glad your doctor realized the jeopardy you were in! Passing as normal can be dangerous that way.

I've heard that about Australia before in reference to Dissociative Identity Disorder. I really hope awareness of DID spreads. I think raising awareness should result in part in there being more clinicians willing and skilled enough to treat it.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I hope to hear from you again!
kerri
says:
November, 24 2010 at 2:18 am
I have the same issue as Indigo, DID mixed with Bi-polar ( in my case Bi -polar 2 ). Unfortunately when I become hypomanic at the same time my alters are in the front seat ( those with much less inhibitions than me ), the preverbial hits the fan. During these times I am highly vulnerable because my ability to reason out what is safe or not is definitely impaired. Also my thrill seeking alters don't want our therapist to catch on to what is happening, because then he will significantly increase our medication and decrease their ability to "have fun". So spiralling out of control is often deliberately hidden by my alters, and scaling buildings, playing chicken with traffic and so on have resulted.
But even without this occasional convergence of thrilling seeking alters and hypomania, I always seem to fake being normal. I 've come to realise lately that I have actually done this all my life. For example, the more anxious I get often the slower and quieter I get. Also when I am incredibly socially panicked, out comes miss social and everyone thinks I'm miss friendly and miss confident, which is so not true. I feel like I have a face for everything so I can pass for normal and no one need ever see the real me. I believe it truly started out as a defense mechanism, but in the end just became my way of life. So to now learn to connect honestly with people is extremely difficult for me. 

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 25 2010 at 6:48 pm
Hi kerri,

I think this really says it all for me:

"I feel like I have a face for everything so I can pass for normal and no one need ever see the real me. I believe it truly started out as a defense mechanism, but in the end just became my way of life. So to now learn to connect honestly with people is extremely difficult for me."

Thank you.
Natasha Tracy
says:
November, 16 2010 at 9:49 am
Ah Holly, you and I are so similar it's amazing.

I'm not DID, but I'm sure similar. I pass for "normal" so well that most people, doctors included, are stymied when I tell them what's going on. Sometimes it's hard to get a doctor to take me seriously because of it. What can I say, I have advanced dissociative skills. I have a merit badge and everything.

It's amazing how lonely it is to pass for normal. And how lonely it is to look at other people like aliens. I'm aware I'm human. If you prick me I bleed and all that, but I just don't identify with the humans. I've written about it many times.

And I find myself really hating the "passing" girl. She's such a big lier. And I hate liers. And then I think I hate everyone for believing the lie. Functionality at an extraordinary cost.

- Natasha

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 18 2010 at 6:19 am
Hi Natasha,

It's funny ... I thought of you a time or two when I was writing this post. Though it's focused on DID and the unique things about DID that allow for "passing as normal," as I wrote I was thinking too about how so many others with different mental illnesses are exhausted by the effort to appear normal.

"What can I say, I have advanced dissociative skills. I have a merit badge and everything."

I am picturing a real live fabric patch emblazoned with the words ADVANCED DISSOCIATOR on it. I wish I had the Photoshop skills to illustrate it. It's kind of awesome.

The "passing" girl. I love that you said this because it's a beautiful example of what I mean when I say that DID is an extreme manifestation of what everyone experiences.

And I understand the hate. We used to have a pretty derogatory nickname for one particular system member who's job is, to put it in everyday terms, Public Relations Specialist. She's terribly good at it and we'd be a mess without her. Still, like you said: Functionality at an extraordinary cost.
Indigo
says:
November, 16 2010 at 2:24 am
wow, this is REALLY helpful...

it also makes me realize how... I want to write the word "dangerous," but fear that is being over dramatic. but it is true. anyway, what I was going to say, was how dangerous the combo of bipolar and DID can be.

when I start to decompensate, I get really polite and helpful. well, somebody does. and inside we are drowning, screaming. and also REALLY angry that nobody is responding or helping.

for so long I literally did not understand that I was not communicating on the outside what I was feeling on the inside. I did not know that I was the missing link.
Stephanie
says:
November, 14 2010 at 6:09 am
This explains so much of what I've been going through this year. People keep commenting on how well I'm functioning and managing and I just want to scream at them that it's all an act! It's all a well-rehearsed, well-defined coping mechanism for when things get scary. And the more in-crisis I am, the better I can pass as normal. It's a really dangerous cycle.

So thank you for putting these experiences down on paper.
Lenore
says:
November, 14 2010 at 2:38 am
This blog has really helped me understand what I'm feeling. You guys seem to be able to put in words what I can't explain. It's all there inside, but I can't get it to come out. I read it here & then can explain it to my therapist in understandable words. I'm not sure why I get so jumbled up inside when it comes to words, but I do.

Thank you all for sharing!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 14 2010 at 7:23 pm
Lenore -

I have that same problem - not being able to put my experiences and feelings into words - a lot of the time. And like you, hearing from others with Dissociative Identity Disorder really helps. That's one benefit of blogging about DID that I wasn't prepared for - the insight all of you offer. I guess it didn't occur to me that people would comment! :) I'm so glad you do. The dialogue really helps.
Paul
says:
November, 13 2010 at 12:09 pm
This is so true Holly. Thank you for writing it. What I can never understand is the disconnect from the often public perception that many of us are attention seekers. I know this is a message many of us get, because many of us struggle with it. I have pleaded hundreds of times with my therapists that I just want to be "normal".

I am sorry you have been struggling lately. My thoughts are with you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 14 2010 at 7:18 pm
Hi Paul,

"What I can never understand is the disconnect from the often public perception that many of us are attention seekers."

Ah yes, the attention seeking thing! I've been reading more from people with other types of mental illness lately and it appears this is something they hear too, that they're just trying to get attention. Once I realized that I started noticing how often people respond to all kinds of things that way, not just mental illness. Knowing that helps me to take it less seriously. It's still frustrating though. And for whatever reason Dissociative Identity Disorder chronically garners that kind of judgment.

Thanks for your compassion, Paul. It helps.
Darla M
says:
November, 13 2010 at 2:10 am
I can relate to the quote you posted by Albert Camus. I get quite tired of trying to be normal. And I've often wondered the same thing...how can I feel so unstable, near a point of crisis, but others think I'm fine. As a child I felt invisable and today I still feel invisable because I'm hiding so much of myself from others.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 14 2010 at 6:51 pm
Hi Darla M,

"I get quite tired of trying to be normal."

I think that's what I like so much about Camus' quote - he highlights the exhaustion that results from the effort to pass as normal. It really is so tiring.
carla
says:
November, 11 2010 at 9:04 pm
This post reminded me of the stress I felt when I started grade school. What an experience to suddenly be thrust into a classroom with kids who I felt were so different from me that I would catch myself staring at them as if they were aliens. I almost immediately created my "normal alter" so that I would not have to feel that dread every morning when I was woken up for school. She took over for me so that I would not have to feel that constant pressure to fit in. I couldn't, so she did. Little did I realize back then that she would become such a big part of me because of course I needed her not only to finish school but also become part of the workforce. Such a big part of me that somewhere along the line I began believing she was the ONLY me. Of course she isn't, but boy did I give her a lot of power! Too much, because she tries to prevent me from talking to the others. She still thinks this is her job, which has created serious communication problems for me. It really kind of sucks-needing her but being angry at her for being such a good blocker. I blame the need to be educated for all of this. (Just a little joke)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 14 2010 at 6:47 pm
Hi carla,

"What an experience to suddenly be thrust into a classroom with kids who I felt were so different from me that I would catch myself staring at them as if they were aliens."

I still feel this way today.

"It really kind of sucks-needing her but being angry at her for being such a good blocker."

I definitely get that. Have you told her how you feel? I ask because in February I was so frustrated and defeated with a similar situation - an alter that had/has an enormous amount of power and I felt helpless and angry. I knew if I kept fighting her I would never win. I was desperate and out of options. I did the only thing I knew to do - I wrote her a letter and told her exactly how I felt. That began a dialogue that culminated in a contract between the two of us that changed our relationship. It was hard, but it was worth it. Now this same alter I very nearly hated is someone I am incredibly grateful for. She still has an enormous amount of power, but she listens to me and works with me.
kim
says:
November, 11 2010 at 6:52 pm
I have known I am DID for 12 years...the last 10 have notbeen spent trying to eliminate parts of me. I went through reintegration probably as far as most can/want to do...and find that in times of high stress that ir is nor enough...I find myself in the back of the closet, in places that I don't know with things that cannot possibly be mine...yet, now - there is a hole that makes me so empty it hurts and I know that those things are mine and that I have brought me/us here and now it is my responsibility to fix it. I find your understanding and openess in this forum honorable and wish that it would have been available when I first accepted DID as a diagnosis...no matter how difficult the truth is...it is the truth and we already know that we can and have survived unimaginable truths. Please keep blogging and giving a voice to so many of us who have felt that there is not enough air to even consider having a voice. Thanks.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 13 2010 at 7:25 pm
Hi kim,

First I want to thank you for encouraging me. I really appreciate that, more than I can say.

" ... we already know that we can and have survived unimaginable truths."

That is an excellent reminder and one I sorely needed to hear, kim. You're right. And when I put things in that perspective, I feel stronger and more courageous.
castorgirl
says:
November, 11 2010 at 11:48 am
I call it "passing for human" and needing to stay invisible...

I've OD'd, kept in the secure psychiatric unit overnight, been released, gone home and then to work like nothing has happened. This ability to hide is often the problem I face, when asking for assistance in a crisis... it can feel like I'm screaming out for help, but all my therapist sees is me being a little more withdrawn and saying that I'm hurting. The language I use, doesn't match the trouble I'm in.

What's worse, is when the danger is so well hidden within the dissociative layers, that you don't realise how much trouble you're in. That's when it gets scary very quickly.

I'm glad you're feeling better now Holly. I'm not sure about you, but I find it difficult to admit my frailty, so thank you for sharing this with us.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Holly Gray
says:
November, 13 2010 at 7:15 pm
Hi CG,

"The language I use, doesn’t match the trouble I’m in."

YES.

"What’s worse, is when the danger is so well hidden within the dissociative layers, that you don’t realise how much trouble you’re in. That’s when it gets scary very quickly."

Yes again! I don't even have anything to add, you've articulated it so well.

It really is hard to admit frailty. There are so many others, like you, who are bravely writing about life with DID and I'm inspired by that. And when I feel a little over-exposed, I borrow courage from all of you.

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