Is this hypomania or happiness? I’m afraid to be happy. I know that’s a cliché, but, for me, it’s true. I’m afraid to be happy because happiness can betray me. What if it just turns out to be schizoaffective hypomania and I crash into a depression? Hypomania vs. happiness really matters.

Really invasive schizophrenic voices stalked me about a week ago. They were brash and loud. They lasted a really long time. And none of my coping strategies worked for calming the impact of the voices. I was at home in my apartment with my husband, too. That should have made the schizophrenic voices episode easier. It didn’t.

I have low self-esteem and schizophrenia (schizoaffective disorder). Unfortunately, I often feel very low self-esteem. I don’t know if it’s because of my schizoaffective disorder, but the schizoaffective disorder sure doesn’t help.

Usually, I can figure out the reason for hearing voices. I hear schizoaffective voices a lot. This week, I heard them two days in a row. That’s never happened before. But I think I know why my schizoaffective disorder made me hear voices two days in a row.

Hearing voices in my head is something that happens to me often. I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This means I experience mood swings and crippling anxiety along with hearing voices. I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but they’re scary anyway. I heard schizoaffective voices in my heaed today. They started while I was on a train platform, waiting to go home from the hospital where I meet with my therapist.

As some of you may already know, I have received a schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. What I have not revealed until this time, is that I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. You may ask, "What does a schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type diagnosis mean?"

Quieter schizoaffective voices are new to me, compared to the loud voices I usually hear as part of my schizoaffective disorder -- a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My schizoaffective voices have changed lately. And in a good way. But even the quieter schizoaffective voices usually come on when I’m facing stress in my life.

Content warning: Frank discussion of suicide affecting schizoaffective disorder. After I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and then schizoaffective disorder, two of my friends, Josh and then Aaron (not their real names), died by suicide. Their deaths were tragic, unnecessary, preventable, and painful. And their deaths triggered a new direction in my schizoaffective disorder—dying by suicide became an option.

Anxiety affects me much more than schizoaffective disorder. You see, schizoaffective disorder is a combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I have schizoaffective disorder, so I have symptoms of schizophrenia and symptoms of bipolar disorder. Then there’s a bonus--generalized anxiety disorder. Bipolar disorder is often accompanied by anxiety disorders. And it's my anxiety symptoms that affect me the most, even more than schizoaffective disorder.

Behaving badly due to schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder can cost us relationships, friendships, jobs, degrees, and more. I don’t use my schizoaffective disorder as a free pass to do or say whatever crummy thing I please. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself and my schizoaffective disorder through behaving badly. This is also how I confronted that behavior and turned it around.