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The Essence of Romance

Are you bankrupt in the romance department? Has the passionate beginning of your relationship cooled down? Too wupped for whoopee?

Romance is a mystery to some of us. And it is often misunderstood. To help us have a clearer picture of romance, first we must define it. If you look up the word in the dictionary you will find that most definitions are vague and the true essence of romance is missing.

Often when coaching couples who have drifted apart, I will ask this question: "Are you still doing the things that brought you together in the first place?" The answer is usually, "No." The romance is gone! This is a big mistake.

The quality of your love relationship has everything to do with romance.       The Essence of Romance

Romance reflects an attitude of interest and pursuit. In the beginning flattering words and positive actions were clearly designed to win the affection of your partner. We put our best foot forward. When pursuit stops, romance generally deteriorates.

Continue the pursuit. It meets a deep emotional need and builds your partner's sense of security in the relationship. Do it with an enthusiastic attitude. Be romantic with intention. Romance reflects thoughtful affection.

A lack of romance in a relationship is a red flag. It doesn't just communicate a lack of pizzazz or that the "honeymoon is over." It sends a message that you no longer value each other; that your partner is a lower priority.

Relationships flounder when partners take each other for granted. What you take for granted, disappears. Taking someone for granted, breeds disrespect, resentment and becomes a wedge between two lovers. Then comes the drifting apart you once feared.

Consider the consequences of romantic neglect. When you lose the spontaneity and freshness of romance, the more boring, predictable and unromantic your relationship becomes.

Romance requires constant observation and forethought concerning the needs, likes and desires of your partner. Discover new things you can do to spend quality time together. What makes the person in your life feel special or loved? Listen for ideas or things your partner would like to have or do.

Can the passion that was ignited with romance in the beginning continue? The answer is, "Yes." It takes effort. It takes a little thought. It takes planning ahead. It takes doing something for your partner on my own initiative without being asked.


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Make a promise to your partner to create together a once-a-week "date night!" AND, keep your word. Plan something especially romantic. Let nothing prevent your weekly get together. If you have children, have a trusted friend watch them at their house. Return the favor.

Continuing romance is a matter of respect. Romance is an acknowledgment of value. It is visible evidence of love. It keeps your heart turned toward your partner and develops forward movement.

In a romantic moment, to say, "I love you" is great. However, to redeem the meaning of love in your relationship, you should not just say it out loud, you must show it consistently. Romance demonstrates that the words are true.

Love with positive action is very real and is the essence of true romance.

Additional resource:

Read, "1001 Ways to be Romantic" by Greg Godek.

next: It's Time for the 3rd Degree!

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). The Essence of Romance, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, May 7 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/essence-of-romance

Last Updated: May 13, 2015

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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