Narcissistic Routines

The behaviour of the narcissist is regulated by a series of routines developed by rote learning and by repetitive patterns of experience. The narcissist finds change extremely distasteful and unsettling. He is a creature of habit. The function of these routines is to reduce his anxiety by transforming a hostile and arbitrary world into a hospitable and manageable one.

Granted, many narcissists are unstable - they often change jobs, apartments, spouses, and vocations. But even these changes are predictable. The narcissistic personality is disorganized - but also rigid. The narcissist finds solace in certainty, in recurrence, in the familiar and the anticipated. It balances his inner precariousness and volatility.

 

Narcissists often strike their interlocutors as "machine-like", "artificial", "fake", "forced", "insincere", or "spurious". This is because even the narcissist's ostensibly spontaneous behaviours are either planned or automatic. The narcissist is continuously preoccupied with his narcissistic supply - how to secure its sources and the next dose. This preoccupation restricts the narcissist's attention span. As a result, he often appears to be aloof, absent-minded, and uninterested in other people, in events around him, and in abstract ideas - unless, of course, they have a direct bearing on his narcissistic supply.

The narcissist develops some of his routines to compensate for his inability to attend to his environment. Automatic reactions require much less investment of mental resources (think driving).

Narcissists may fake personal warmth and an outgoing personality - this is the routine of the "Narcissistic Mask". But as one gets to know the narcissist better, his mask falls, his "narcissistic make-up" wears off, his muscles relax and he reverts to the "Narcissistic Tonus". The Narcissistic Tonus is a bodacious air of superiority mixed with disdain.

While routines (such as the various Masks) are extraneous and require an (often conscious) investment of energy - the Tonus is the default position: effortless and frequent.

Many narcissists are obsessive-compulsive as well. They conduct daily "rituals", they are overly punctilious, they do things in a certain order, and adhere to numerous "laws", "principles", and "rules". They have rigid and oft-repeated opinions, uncompromising rules of conduct, unalterable views and judgments. These compulsions and obsessions are ossified routines.

Other routines involve paranoid, repetitive, thoughts. Yet others induce shyness and social phobia. The whole range of narcissistic behaviours can be traced to these routines and the various phases of their evolutionary cycles.

It is when these routines break down and are violated - when they become no longer defensible, or when the narcissist can no longer exercise them - that a narcissistic injury occurs. The narcissist expects the outside world to conform to his inner universe. When a conflict between these two realms erupts, thus unsettling the ill-poised mental balance so painstakingly achieved by the narcissist (mainly by exercising his routines) - the narcissist unravels. The narcissist's very defence mechanisms are routines, and so he is left defenceless in a hostile, cold world - the true reflection of his inner landscape.

 


 

next: Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing?

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, December 21). Narcissistic Routines, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissistic-routines

Last Updated: July 3, 2018

The Opaque Mirror

I cannot confront my life - that dreary, aimless, unpromising stream of days and nights and days. I am past my prime - a pitiable figure, a has been who never was, a loser and a failure (and not only by my inflated standards). These facts are hard enough to face when one is not burdened with a grandiose False Self and a sadistic inner voice (superego). I have both.

So, when asked what do I do for a living, I say that I am a columnist and analyst (I am neither - I am a Senior Business Correspondent for United Press International - UPI. In other words, a glorified hack).

I say that I am a successful author (I am far from one). I say that I was the Economic Advisor to the government. True, I was - but at long last I was fired, having pushed my client to the point of nervous breakdown with my endless tantrums and labile fickleness.

But these lies - both outright and borderline - are known to me as such. I can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I choose fantasy knowingly and consciously - but it doesn't render me oblivious to my true condition.

There is a different sort of self-deception which runs much deeper. It is more pernicious and all-pervasive. It is better at disguising itself as true and veritable. In the absence of outside help and reflection, I can never tell when (and how) I am self- deluded.

On the whole, I am that rarity, the reification of that oxymoron, the self-aware narcissist. I know that my teeth are rotten, my breath is bad, my flesh is flabby. I recognize my preposterous pomposity, my tortured syntax, my often disordered thinking, my compulsions, my obsessions, my regressions, my intellectual mediocrity, my perverted and melancholy sexuality. I know that my cognition is distorted and my emotions thwarted.

What appears to me to be genuine achievements - are often grandiose fantasies. What I take to be admiration - is mockery. I am not loved - I am exploited. And when I am loved - I exploit. I feel entitled - for no good reason. I feel superior - with no commensurate traits or achievements. I know all this. I have written about it extensively. I have expounded about it a thousand times.

And, yet, I keep getting surprised when confronted with reality. My feelings are hurt, my narcissism injured, my self esteem shaken, my rage provoked.

One becomes aware of one's place in various hierarchies - some implicit, some explicit - through social interactions. One learns that one is not alone in this world, one gets rid of the solipsistic and infantile "I am the (centre of the) world" point of view. The more one meets people - the more one becomes aware of one's relative skills and accomplishment.

In other words, one develops empathy.

But the narcissist's social range and repertoire are often limited. The narcissist alienates people. Many narcissists are schizoids. They interactions with others are stunted, partial, distorted, and misleading.

They learn the wrong lessons from the dearth of their social encounters. They are unable to realistically evaluate themselves, their skills, their achievements, their rights and privileges, and their expectations. They retreat to fantasy, denial, and self-delusion. They become rigid and their personality becomes disordered.

The other day, I said to one of my fiancé girlfriends, full of my usual hubris: "do you think I am a spy?" (i.e., mysterious, romantic, dark, clever). She looked at me disdainfully and responded: "Frankly, you remind me more of a shopkeeper than a spy".

I am a graphomaniac. I write prolifically about every subject, near and far. I post my work on Web sites and discussion lists, I submit it to the media, I publish it in books (that no one buys), I like to believe that I will be remembered by it. But people mostly find my essays lacking - the verbosity, the triteness, the convolutions of argumentation which often lead to a syllogistic dead-end.

It is when I write about the mundane that I excel. My political and economic columns are reasonable, though by no means spectacular and often in need of thorough editing. My few analytic pieces are good. Some of my poems are excellent. Many of my journal entries are praiseworthy. My work about narcissism is helpful, though badly written. The rest - the bulk of my writing - is trash.

Yet, I respond with outrage and shock when people tell me that. I attribute their well meant words to envy. I reject it fiercely. I counter-attack. I draw my bridges and ensconce myself in a shell of indignation. I know better. I am farsighted, a giant among intellectual dwarves, the tortured genius. The alternative is too painful to contemplate.

I like to think of myself as menacing. I like to think that I impress others with my clout and might. The other day someone said to me: "You know, you want to believe that you are frightening, you want to deter, to instill fear. But when you rage - you are merely being hysterical. It has the opposite effect. It is counter-productive".


 


I nurture my self-image as a machine: efficient, relentless, industrious, emotionless, reliable, and precise. I am always taken aback when people tell me that I am exceptionally emotional, that I am ruled by my feelings, that I am hyper-sensitive, that I have clear borderline traits.

Once, in response to a contemptuous remark I made about someone (call him "Joe"), his friend retorted: "Joe is cleverer than you because he makes more money than you. If you are so clever and efficient - how come you so poor?"

"I am not as corrupt as he" - I responded - "I wouldn't act as criminally and in collusion with the local venal politicians". I felt self-righteous and triumphant. I really BELIEVED in what I said. I felt indignant and infuriated by Joe's nefarious acts (of which I had no knowledge, nor any proof).

Joe's friend looked at me, not comprehending.

"But, in the last two years, you have served as advisor to these very venal politicians. Joe never worked with them as directly as you did." - she said softly - "And you did spend a year in jail for white collar crimes. Joe never did. What gives you the right to cast the first stone at him?"

There was sad amazement in her voice. And pity. A great pity.

 


 

next: Narcissistic Routines

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, December 21). The Opaque Mirror, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-opaque-mirror

Last Updated: July 3, 2018

FAQ: Length of Drug Addiction Treatment

4. How long does drug addiction treatment usually last?

How long does drug addiction treatment usually last? Find out here.

Individuals progress through drug addiction treatment at various speeds, so there is no predetermined length of treatment. However, research has shown unequivocally that good outcomes are contingent on adequate lengths of drug addiction treatment. Generally, for residential drug treatment or outpatient treatment of drug addiction, participation for less than 90 days is of limited or no effectiveness, and treatments lasting significantly longer often are indicated. For methadone maintenance, 12 months of treatment is the minimum, and some opiate-addicted individuals will continue to benefit from methadone maintenance treatment over a period of years.

Good outcomes are contingent on adequate lengths of drug addiction treatment.

Many people who enter drug treatment drop out before receiving all the benefits that treatment can provide. Successful outcomes may require more than one drug treatment experience. Many drug addicts have multiple episodes of treatment, often with a cumulative impact.

Source: National Institute of Drug Abuse, "Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research Based Guide."

next: FAQ: What Helps People Stay in Drug Treatment?
~ all articles on Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). FAQ: Length of Drug Addiction Treatment, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/addictions/articles/length-of-drug-addiction-treatment

Last Updated: April 26, 2019

About Me, APatcher

How I got the name APatcher
A story about authorities and rebellion.

Gender: Male

Birthdate: 1-9-75

Marital Status: Single

Location: Hatboro-Horsham, PA (Metropolitan Philadelphia).

Occupations: Student at Temple University, Part-Time Freelance Writer, Webmaster

Interests: Skateboarding, Cars, Driving, Scenic Drives, Web Publishing, Internet Taxonomy, Friends of Bill W, Experimenting

Physical Description:

Height: 5'10''

Weight: 155 lbs.

Eyes: Green

Hair: Light Brown to Blonde (depends)

Other: Had my tongue pierced in 1995 but kept losing the jewelry.

Favorite Links:

Library of Congress - WEB

Alcoholics Anonymous Web Site

JackinWorld (I'm a part-time, professional freelance writer for JackinWorld.com.)

ODP is the best place to begin a search on the web. It links you to a variety of search engines at the bottom of the results. This way, if the Open Directory doesn't have the site you are looking for, you can easily link to a place that does. APatcher is an editor for this directory (editor: apatcher).

How I got the name "APatcher"

The Authorities and Rebellion

I was arrested for patching potholes four times on the streets in and around my college campus during the Spring Semester, 1996. The courts said that I am not allowed to patch potholes on city property because there are union labor contracts that employ people to such work. They also said it is criminal trespassing because it is simply not my property. It is illegal to alter public property in any way even if it is actually an improvement. The local papers got hold of this story and wrote a long front page article about my "fix-up revolution" and "pothole rebellion." I was called "a patcher on a mission" The first couple of arrests just ended in official warnings but eventually, I was sentenced to 45 hours of community service which involved picking up litter.

I knew all of this was illegal while I was doing it but I was out to make a statement and be heard. I figured I had to get the attention of the local media. The infrastructure of the college campus was in really bad shape and somebody had to do something.

next: Chapter 1: Worshiping Alcohol
~ all Raw Psychology articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). About Me, APatcher, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/addictions/articles/about-me

Last Updated: April 26, 2019

Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression Chapter 18

Values Therapy: A New Systematic Approach For Tough Cases

Appendix for Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression. Additional technical issues of self-comparison analysis.Values Therapy suits some tough cases of depression, where the cause of the depression is not obvious and easily altered. It may be especially suitable for a person who has suffered a severe shortage of parental love as a child, or experienced over- long grief following loss of a loved one as an adult.

Values Therapy is a more radical departure from conventional modes of fighting depression than are the tactics discussed earlier. Other writers have mentioned and used some of its elements in an ad hoc fashion, and have emphasized that depression is often a philosophical problem (e.g. Erich Fromm, Carl Jung, and Viktor Frankl). Values Therapy is quite new, however, in offering a systematic method of drawing upon a person's fundamental values so as to conquer depression.

Values Therapy is especially appropriate when a person complains that life has lost its meaning--the most philosophical of depressions. You may wish to re-read Tolstoy's vivid description of this state, in Chapter 6, as well as pages 000 to 000.

The Nature of Values Therapy

The central element of Values Therapy is searching within yourself for a latent value or belief which conflicts with being depressed. Bringing such a value to the fore then causes you to modify or constrain or oppose the belief (or value) that leads to the negative self-comparisons. Russell describes his passage from a sad childhood to happy maturity in this fashion:

Now, on the contrary, I enjoy life; I might almost say that with every year that passes I enjoy it more. This is due partly to having discovered what were the things that I most desired, and having gradually acquired many of these things. Partly it is due to having successfully dismissed certain objects of desire--such as the acquisition of indubitable knowledge about something or other--as essentially unattainable.(1)

This is quite different from trying to argue away the sadness- causing way of thinking, which is the main approach of cognitive therapy.

The discovered value may be (as it was for me) the value that says directly that life should be happy rather than sad. Or it may be a value that leads indirectly to a reduction in sadness, such as the value that one's children should have a life-loving parent to imitate.

The discovered value may be that you are unwilling to subject people you love to the grief of having you respond to your depression by killing yourself, as was the case with this young woman:

My mother died seven years ago by her own hand...

I can't imagine what [my father] must have felt when he found her. I can imagine how my mother must have felt as she descended the stairs to the garage for the last time...

I know. I've been there. I tried suicide several times in my life when I was in my early 20s and was quite serious at least twice....Besides actually attempting suicide, I've wanted, wished and even prayed to die more times than I can count.

Well, I'm 32 now and I'm still alive. I'm even married and have moved from a secretarial position into entry-level management...I'm alive because of my mother's death. She taught me that in spite of my illness I had to live. Suicide just isn't worth it.

I saw the torment my mother's death caused others: my father, my brother, her neighbors and friends. When I saw their overwhelming grief, I knew I could never do the same thing she had done -- force other people to take on the burden of pain I'd leave behind if I died by my own hand. (2)

The discovered value may lead you to accept yourself for what you and your limitations are, and to go on to other aspects of your life. A person with an emotionally-scarred childhood, or a polio patient confined to a wheelchair, may finally look facts in the face, cease railing at and struggling against their fates, and decide not to let those handicaps dominate their lives but rather to pay attention to what they can contribute to others with a joyful spirit. Of they may devote themselves to being better parents by being happy instead of sad.

A Five-Step Process of Value Transformation

Values Therapy need not always proceed systematically. But a systematic procedure may be helpful to some, at least to make clear what operations are important in Values Therapy. This is the outline of such a systematic procedure:

Step 1:

Ask yourself what you want in life -- both your most important desires as well as your routine desires. Write down the answers. The list may be long, and it is likely to include very disparate items ranging from peace in the world, to professional success, to a new car every other year, to your oldest daughter being more polite to her grandmother.

Step 2:

Rank these desires corresponding to their importance to you. One method is to put numbers on each want, running from "1" (all-important) to "5" (not very important).


Step 3:

Ask yourself whether any really important wants have been left off your list. Good health for yourself and your family? The present and future happiness of your children or spouse? The feeling that you are living an honest life? Remember to include matters that might seem important when looking back on your life at age seventy that might not come to mind now, such as spending plenty of time with your children, or having the reputation as a person who is helpful to others.(3)

Step 4:

Look for the conflicts in your list of wants. Check if conflicts are resolved in a manner that contradicts the indications of importance that you accord to the various elements. For example, you may put health for yourself in the top rank, and professional success in the second rank, but you may nevertheless be working so hard for professional success that you are doing serious harm to your health, with depression as a result.

In my case, future and present happiness of my children is at the top of the list, and I believe that the chance that children will be happy in the future is much better if their parents are not depressed as the children are growing up. Close to the top for me, but not at the top, is success in my work as measured by its impact upon the society. Yet I had invested so much of myself in my work, and with such results, that my thoughts about my work depressed me. It therefore became clear to me that if I am to live in accordance with my stated values and priorities, I must treat my work in some fashion that it does not depress me, for the sake of my children even if for no other reason.

In my discussions with others about their depressions, we usually discover a conflict between a tomp-level value which demands that the person not be depressed, and one or more lower- level values that are involved in depression. The goal that life is a gift to be cherished and enjoyed is a frequent top-level value of this sort (though, unlike such writers as Abraham Maslow, Fromm, Ellis, and others, I do not consider this to be an instinct or a self-evident truth). More about this later.)

Step 5:

Take steps to resolve the conflicts between higher-order and lower-order values in such manner that higher- order values requiring you not to be depressed are put in control. If you recognize that you are working so hard that you are injuring your health and additionally depressing yourself, and that health is more important than the fruits of the extra work, you will be more likely to face up to a decision to work less, and to avoid being depressed; a wise general physician may put the matter to you in exactly this fashion. In my case I had to recognize that I owe it to my children to somehow keep my work-life from depressing me.

Many sorts of devices may be employed once you address yourself to a task such as this one. One such device is to make and enforce a less-demanding work schedule. Another device is to prepare and follow an agenda for future projects that promises a fair measure of success in completion and in reception. Another device is to refuse to allow negative self-comparisons concerned with work to remain in the mind, either by pushing them out with brute force of will, or by training yourself to switch them off with behavior-modification techniques, or by meditation techniques, or whatever.

Mapping Out Your Wants

Your wants, goals, values, beliefs, preferences, or desires by any other name are a most complex subject for anyone. Counselors often ask people, "What do you really want?" This question tends to confuse and mislead the person of whom it is asked. The question suggests that (a) there is one most- important want that (b) the person can discover if she will only be sufficiently honest and sincere, the word "really" suggesting such honesty and truth. In fact there usually are several important wants, and no amount of "sincere" searching can determine which one is "really" most important.

The key point here is that we must aim at learning the structure of our many wants, rather than fruitlessly chasing after just one most-important want.

We must also recognize that our wants cannot easily be sorted out. Consider this curiosity: No matter how depressed a person is, he usually would not say that he would prefer to change places with other individuals who are not depressed, even super-happy or super-successful people. Why? Is there some deep confusion here about the meaning of "I" in the sentence "I would like to change places with X"? What can one make of this? Does it show some greater self-affection than we attribute to depression sufferers? Or is it simply the impossibility or meaninglessness of "changing places"? Would memories remain with the person after the change? Is there just a problem of misfitting, as a beggar would not prefer the clothes of a rich man if the clothes are a grossly bad fit to the beggar? I do not urge you to break your head on this curious question, but only to recognize that the structure of wants is more complex than a shopping list.


Behavior-modification therapy can offer help in Values Therapy by building the habit of interposing the discovered value in front of the depression-causing value whenever you feel sad.

The result of the values-discovery process may be that a person becomes "twice born," as in the cases described by William James. Clearly this is radical therapy, like surgery that implants a second heart in a person to aid the leaky and failing original heart.

What About Innate Wants?

There is a school of thought--two prominent representatives of which are Maslow4 and Selye5--who believe that the most important and basic values are biologically inherent in the human animal. This implies that there are inherent goals which are the same for all people. For this school of thought the explanation of depression and other ills is that "life must be allowed to run its natural course toward the fulfillment of its innate potential."(6) Or in Frankl's words, "I think the meaning of our existence is not invented by ourselves, but rather detected."(7) For Selye, one's innate potential is a capacity to do productive work with a feeling of success. For Maslow8 the potential is for "self-actualization," which is basically the state of freedom to experience one's life fully and enjoyably.

I think the better view is that though one's values and aims are inevitably influenced by the physical make-up of homo sapiens and the social conditions of human society, there is a wide range of possible basic values. And I think one will do better in discovering what one's own values are, and what they ought to be, by looking into oneself, rather than by looking at human experience in general and then deducing what one's basic values "really" are or ought to be.

The very fact that different observers such as Maslow and Selye point to different basic "innate" values should warn us of the difficulty or impossibility of making such deductions soundly. And if a person exhibits basic values that do not jibe with Maslow's self-actualization--for example, if a person sacrifices family for religion or country, and is never sorry afterward--Maslow simply assumes that this is not healthy and that the person will inevitably have to pay a price later on. But that kind of reasoning only proves what one wishes to prove. I prefer to accept the simple evidence of my eyes that people differ greatly in their values. I believe that neither I nor anyone else can determine which values are "inherent" and hence "healthy," and which are not.

I recommend, therefore, that you look into yourself--but with diligence and with the urge to find some truth--to determine what are your basic values and priorities. This is quite consistent with believing that a more fundamental source of one's values is outside oneself, of religious or natural or cultural origin.

The Value of Doing Good For Others

Saying that a person should look into herself or himself for one's basic values does not imply that the basic values are, or ought to be, those that refer only to the individual or the family. With the possible exception of Maslow, all the philosophical-psychological writers--whether or not they believe in "inherent" values, and whether they are religious or secular-- make clear that a person's best chance to shake off depression and instead lead a satisfying life is to seek life meaning in contributing to others. As Frankl put it:

We have to beware of the tendency to deal with values in terms of the mere self-expression of man himself. For logos, or "meaning," is not only an emergence from existence itself but rather something confronting existence. If the meaning that is waiting to be fulfilled by man were really nothing but a mere expression of self, or no more than a projection of his wishful thinking, it would immediately lose its demanding and challenging character, it could no longer call man forth or summon him...

I wish to stress that the true meaning of life is to be found in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system. By the same token, the real aim of human existence cannot be found in what is called self-actualization. Human existence is essentially self-transcendence rather than self-actualization. Self-actualization is not a possible aim at all, for the simple reason that the more a man would strive for it, the more he would miss it. For only to the extent to which man commits himself to the fulfillment of his life's meaning, to this extent he also actualizes himself. In other words, self-actualization cannot be attained if it is made an end in itself, but only as a side effect of self- transcendence.(9)

Britain's brilliant and famous writer Oscar Wilde descended into the depths of despair when he was sent to jail for perjury, sex offenses, and complicity in England's underworld. His story of how he came "out of the depths" (as he titled his essay in Latin) reveals how his salvation lay in re-ordering his priorities:

I have lain in prison for nearly two years. Out of my nature has come wild despair; an abandonment to grief that was piteous even to look at; terrible and impotent rage; bitterness and scorn; anguish that wept aloud; misery that could find no voice; sorrow that was dumb. I have passed through every possible mood of suffering. Better than Wordsworth himself I know what Wordsworth meant when he said, "Suffering is permanent, obscure, and dark, and has the nature of infinity." But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning. Now I find hidden somewhere away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless, and suffering least of all. That something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is Humility.

It is the last thing left in me, and the best: the ultimate discovery at which I have arrived, the starting- point for a fresh development. It has come to me right out of myself, so I know that it has come at the proper time. It could not have come before, nor later. Had any one told me of it, I would have rejected it. Had it been brought to me, I would have refused it. As I found it, I want to keep it. I must do so. It is the one thing that has in it the elements of life, of a new life, a Vita Nuova for me. Of all things it is the strangest; one cannot give it away and another may not give it to one. One cannot acquire it except by surrendering every- thing that one has. It is only when one has lost all things, that one knows that one possesses it.


Now I have realized that it is in me, I see quite clearly what I ought to do; in fact, must do. And when I use such a phrase as that, I need not say that I am not alluding to any external sanction or command. I admit none. I am far more of an individualist than I ever was. Nothing seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself. My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realization. That is all I am concerned with. And the first thing that I have got to do is to free myself from any possible bitterness of feeling against the world.

Morality does not help me. I am a born antinomian. I am one of those who are made for exceptions, not for laws. But while I see that there is nothing wrong in what one does, I see that there is something wrong in what one becomes. It is well to have learned that...

The fact of my having been a common prisoner of a common jail I must frankly accept, and, curious as it may seem, one of the things I shall have to teach myself is not to be ashamed of it. I must accept it as a punishment, and if one is ashamed of having been punished, one might just as well never have been punished at all. Of course there are many things of which I was convicted that I have not done, but then there are many things of which I was convicted that I had done, and a still greater number of things in my life for which I was never indicted at all. And as the gods are strange, and punish us for what is good and humane in us as much as for what is evil and perverse, I must accept the fact that one is punished for the good as well as for the evil that one does. I have no doubt that it is quite right one should be. It helps one, or should help one, to realize both, and not to be too conceited about either. And if I then am not ashamed of my punishment, as I hope not to be, I shall be able to think, and walk, and live with freedom.(10)

Wilde's story reveals how different values are fundamental for different people. Wilde found that for him the most basic value was the "ultimate realization of the artistic life [which] is simply self-development."(11)

Values and Religion

Values Therapy frequently has connections with religion. This is sometimes problematic from the standpoint of communication, because even the word "religion" alienates many people. Religious experience has a very specific God-orientation for some people, whereas for others it is any experience of the awesome mysteries of life and the universe.

Suggesting as I will that religious values and spiritual (though not supernatural) experience may be the solution for some people may alienate those who are militantly anti-religion. On the other hand, suggesting as I will that rejecting the concept of a historical father-like God may help for others may alienate those who have a traditional Judeo-Christian belief in an active God. But if I can reach and help some sufferers, alienation or no, then I'll have done the best I can and I'll be satisfied.

(Alcoholics Anonymous seems to have little problem with this sort of problem, as mentioned earlier. Its minimum requirement - - that members have faith that there is some power greater than the individual -- seems to be widely acceptable because almost anyone can accept the idea that the "greater" power may simply be the strength and energy of "the group". So perhaps the problem is not grave.)

A religious value, or a value for being a religious person, can be the discovered value in Values Therapy. For a person who discovers the value of being a Christian, the discovery implies believing that God forgives you for all your sins, and you must hand over to God responsibility for both your decisions and your actions. If this is the case with you, as long as you live in such manner as you believe a Christian ought to live, any negative comparison between what you are and what you ought to be is inappropriate. In other words, even if you have low status in the daily world, or if you have been a sinner, you may still feel worthy if you believe as a Christian.

Christianity says that if you love Jesus, Jesus will love you in return--no matter how low you are; this is crucial for the Christian depressive. It means that if one accepts Christian values, one is bound to feel loved in return. This operates to diminish the force of negative self-comparisons, both by making one feel less bad because all are equal in Jesus, and because the feeling of love tends to diminish any sadness.

Believing that Jesus suffered for you--and hence that you should not suffer -- keeps some people out of the clutches of depression. In this way Christianity offers unusual succor to those afflicted by sadness.

For a Jew, a religious value that works against depression is the Jewish commitment to cherish life. A traditional Jew accepts as a religious duty that one must enjoy her or his life, both materially and spiritually. Of course, "cherishing" life does not mean just "fun"; rather it means being constantly aware that life is good and all-important. A Jew is not permitted by religious dictates to be inordinately sad; for example, one is not allowed to mourn more than thirty days, and to do so is to sin.

One must be careful, of course, that the religious "requirement" of enjoying life does not turn into just another "must" that you fail to achieve and therefore leads to additional negative self-comparisons. If you tie yourself into this sort of a knot, then you obviously are better off without this religious commitment. But this is not a black mark against this religious idea; no set of guidelines for living is without its own dangers, just as the kitchen knife that is so useful for cutting food can be the instrument of a self-inflicted injury, accidental or intentional.

In the Epilogue, I describe at length how Values Therapy saved me from depression. The highlights relevant to this particular section are as follows: I first learned to keep depression at bay on the Sabbath, following the Jewish injunction that one must not be sad on the Sabbath. Then I recognized that a more general Jewish value demands that one must not throw away the largest part of one's life in sadness. Then, and perhaps most important, I faced up to the conflict between my depression and my children's future happiness. These discoveries cracked my depression and permitted me to enter into a period (lasting until now) when I am basically unrepressed and even happy (sometimes very happy), though I must continue to fight against depression on a day-to-day basis.


It is interesting that Tolstoy invented for himself (though he ostensibly took the value from Catholicism) a value which resolved his depression and which is like the Jewish value concerning life. Tolstoy concluded that life itself is its own meaning for the peasant, whom he proceeded to try to imitate:

...the life of the whole labouring people, the whole of mankind who produce life, appeared to me in its true significance. I understood that that is life itself, and that the meaning given to that life is true: and I accepted it...a bird is so made that it must fly, collect food, and build a nest, and when I see that a bird does this, I have pleasure in its joy...The meaning of human life lies in supporting it...(12)

(If one realizes that the question "What is the meaning of life?" probably is semantically meaningless, one can be free to find other values and philosophical constructions.)

Another Jewish value is that a person must respect oneself. For example, a great Talmudic sage asserted: "Be not wicked in thine own esteem".(13) And a recent scholar amplified this as follows:

Be not wicked in thine own esteem.

This saying preaches the duty of self-respect. Do not think yourself so abandoned that it is useless for you to make "an appeal for mercy and grace" before God. "Regard not thyself as wholly wicked, since by so doing thou givest up hope of repentance" (Maimonides). Communities, like individuals, are under the obligation not to be wicked in their own esteem. Achad Ha-am wrote: "Nothing is more dangerous for a nation or for an individual than to plead guilty to imaginary sins. Where the sin is real--by honest endeavor the sinner can purify himself. But when a man has been persuaded to suspect himself unjustly--what can he do? Our greatest need is emancipation from self-contempt, from this idea that we are really worse than all the world. Otherwise, we may in course of time become in reality what we now imagine ourselves to be."(14)

This saying preaches the duty of self-respect. Do not think yourself so abandoned that it is useless for you to make "an appeal for mercy and grace" before God. "Regard not thyself as wholly wicked, since by so doing thou givest up hope of repentance" (Maimonides). Communities, like individuals, are under the obligation not to be wicked in their own esteem. Achad Ha-am wrote: "Nothing is more dangerous for a nation or for an individual than to plead guilty to imaginary sins. Where the sin is real--by honest endeavor the sinner can purify himself. But when a man has been persuaded to suspect himself unjustly--what can he do? Our greatest need is emancipation from self-contempt, from this idea that we are really worse than all the world. Otherwise, we may in course of time become in reality what we now imagine ourselves to be."(14)

Some Examples of Value Therapy

Frankl provides interesting examples of how depression can be relieved by a procedure like Values Therapy:

Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now how could I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything, but instead confronted him with the question, "What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you? "Oh," he said, "for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!" Whereupon I replied, "You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it is you who have spared her this suffering, but now, you have to pay for it by surviving and mourning her." He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. Suffering ceases to be suffering in some way at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.(15)

Frankl says that "in logotherapy [his name for a process like Values Therapy] the patient is actually confronted with and reoriented toward the meaning of his life...The logotherapist's role consists in widening and broadening the visual field of the patient so that the whole spectrum of meaning and values becomes conscious and visible to him."(16)

Frankl calls his method "paradoxical intention." His procedure can be understood in terms of altering negative self-comparisons. As noted in Chapter 10, Frankl asks the patient to imagine that his actual state of affairs is different than what it is. For example (17), he asks the man whose wife died to imagine that the man himself had died first and that the wife is suffering from losing him. Then he leads the person to compare the actual with that imagined state, and to see that the actual state is preferable to the imagined state on the basis of some deeper value--in this case, the man's value that his wife not suffer from losing him. This produces a positive self-comparison in place of the former negative self-comparison, and hence removes sadness and depression.

Values Therapy may be thought of as a systematic and understandable form of what used to be called "changing one's philosophy of life". It operates directly on the person's view of the world and himself.

Based on his personal experience, Bertrand Russell urged us not to underestimate the curative power of such philosophical thinking. "My purpose is to suggest a cure for the ordinary day- to-day unhappiness from which most people in civilized countries suffer...I believe this unhappiness to be very largely due to mistaken views of the world, mistaken ethics..."(18)

Many psychologists--particularly those with psychoanalytic training--will question whether such "deep" problems as depression can be solved with such "superficial" treatments. But Values Therapy is not superficial--indeed, just the opposite. Of course it is not a perfect therapy, even for those whose depression is not well-handled with other therapeutic approaches. In some cases it may be that the struggle to make one value dominate another requires too much energy of a person, and perhaps a complete psychoanalytic cleansing would bring the person to easier ground (though psychoanalysis' track record with depression is poor). In other cases, the person may lack the powers of reasoning to carry out Values Therapy, at least by himself. Or, a person may have a strong motivation to stay miserable. Lastly, a person's hunger for love and approval may be unshakable.


The Role For A Counselor

A counselor can certainly help many people in their struggles to get their values in order and hence overcome depression. The counselor's role here is that of good teacher, clarifying your thoughts for you, helping you concentrate on the task, pushing you to stay at it rather than running away from the hard work. For some people who lack the discipline and mental clarity to do their own Values Therapy, a counselor may be indispensable. For others, however, a counselor may be unnecessary or even a distraction, especially if you cannot find a counselor who will help you do what needs to be done for you. Too many therapists insist on doing what they are accustomed to doing, or cannot work within your value structure but insists on inserting their own values into the process.

Other drawbacks of working with a therapist are discussed in Chapter 00. Before you try a therapist, you might first consider working with the computer program OVERCOMING DEPRESSION that comes free with this book.

Making It Happen

Is Values Therapy an easy and comfortable cure for depression? Usually it is not, just as all other anti-depression tactics require effort and stamina. At the beginning, Values Therapy requires considerable mental hard work and discipline, even with the help of a counselor, in constructing an honest and inclusive graded list of your desires in life. After you have decided which are your most fundamental values, you must remind yourself of those values when you start to make negative self- comparisons and get depressed. But it takes effort and dedication to keep reminding yourself of those values--just as it takes effort to remind another person of important matters when they are being forgotten.

So staying unrepressed with Values Therapy is not perfectly easy. But did you really expect otherwise? As the lady said, I never promised you a rose garden. You'll have to judge for yourself whether this is too high a price to pay for being free of depression.

The list of steps given above for Values Therapy may seem pedestrian (a modest play on words, for which I trust you will forgive me) because it is stated in simple, operational terms. You may also assume that this procedure is standard and well- known. In fact, Values Therapy as embodied in these operational steps is quite new. And I hope that you will consider the procedure seriously if other procedures have not managed to overcome your depression. I also hope that theoreticians and empirical workers in psychology will recognize the newness of this approach and will consider it with some gravity, even though it is not simply an extension of the approaches they are accustomed to.

Postscript: Values Treatment As Upside-Down Spectacles

Depressives see the world differently than do non- depressives. Where others see a glass as half-full, depressives see the glass as half-empty. Hence depressives need devices to turn many of their perceptions upside down. Values Therapy often can provide the impetus for the reversal of viewpoint.

A person's capacity to alter his or her perspective of the world by effort and practice is astonishing. An interesting example comes from a long-ago experiment in which subjects were given "upside down" eyeglasses that inverted everything seen; what normally is seen below appeared above, and vice versa. Within a period of weeks the subjects had grown so accustomed to the glasses that they responded quite normally to visual cues. Depressives need to put on psychological spectacles which turn their comparisons upside down and make them perceive the glass as half full rather than half empty, and invert a "failure" into a "challenge."

Values Therapy radically alters one's life perspective. Humor, too, changes one's perspective, and a little humor about one's depression can help you. Not the black humor of "I wasn't cut out to be a human being," but rather amusement at how one twists reality to give oneself a ridiculously bad shake. For example, at 9:30 a.m. today, I've now been at my desk for 1-1/4 hours, working on notes for this book, a bit of stuff for class, some filing, etc. But then I notice I haven't written anything yet. I haven't done something both creative and solid, haven't created any pages yet. So I tell myself that I can't let myself have breakfast yet, because I don't deserve it, as if all the other things I have done have not been useful work. When I catch myself in this kind of willful rotten interpretation of reality, I'm amused, and it relaxes me.

Another example: As I was looking for the elevator on the sixth floor of an apartment house while I was depressed, I saw a sign on the wall that said, "Incinerator -- Trash and Garbage". I immediately said to myself, "Ah, that's the way I should go down." This amused me and reminded me how silly is my lack of self-esteem that led me to have such thoughts.


In the case above of the man whose wife had died, we saw an example of how Frankl's paradoxical intention turns the world upside down. Here is another example of his upside-down technique:

W. S., aged thirty-five, developed the phobia that he would die of a heart attack, particularly after intercourse, as well as a phobic fear of not being able to go to sleep. When Dr. Gerz asked the patient in his office to "try as hard as possible" to make his heart beat fast and die of a heart attack" right on the spot," he laughed and replied: "Doc, I'm trying hard, but I can't do it." Following my technique, Dr. Gerz instructed him "to go ahead and try to die from a heart attack" each time his anticipatory anxiety troubled him. When the patient began laughing about his neurotic symptoms, humor entered in and helped him to put distance between himself and his neurosis. He left the office relieved, with instructions to "die at least three times a day of a heart attack"; and instead of "trying hard to go to sleep," he should "try to remain awake." This patient was seen three days later -- symptom-free. He had succeeded in using paradoxical intention effectively.19 Ellis stresses the importance of humor in getting you to see how ridiculous are many of our "ought's" and "must's". He has written funny songs for the depressive to sing to help change your mood.

Still another example of how turning your picture of the world upside-down can help you: A good rule for depressives much of the time is the opposite of the Hillel-Jesus Golden Rule. The "Sunshine Rule for Depressives" is: "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others."

To illustrate the Sunshine Rule: Let's say that good and wise friends point out to you your better traits and successes, and encourage you even to the extent of giving you the benefit of the doubt when the facts are not clear. But enemies do the opposite. Depressives dwell on their own shortcomings, as does an enemy. The Sunshine Rule implies that one has a moral obligation to act as a friend to yourself, truly makes.

Summary

Values Treatment is an extraordinary new (though very old) cure for depression. When a person's negative self-comparisons - no matter what their original cause - are expressed as shortfalls between the person's circumstances and her most fundamental beliefs (values) about what a person should be and do, Values Treatment can build on other values to defeat the depression. The method is to find within yourself other fundamental beliefs and values that call for a person not to suffer but rather to live happily and joyfully, for the sake of God or for the sake of man - oneself, family, or others. If you believe in the super ordinate value of a belief which conflicts with being depressed, that belief can induce you to enjoy and cherish life rather than to be sad and depressed.

next: Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression Chapter 19
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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression Chapter 18, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/good-mood-the-new-psychology-of-overcoming-depression-chapter-18

Last Updated: June 18, 2016

Does the Disease Concept of Alcoholism Benefit Native Americans?

Hello, Dr. Stanton Peele!

addiction-articles-114-healthyplaceI, as have many Native American people, have been tremendously affected by the consequences of alcohol addiction running rampant through my family, my clan, my tribe, and friends and family in other tribes.

Please tell us: What is the rate of alcohol addiction among women of child-bearing age on our reservations, and what is the rate of F.A.S. amidst the new-borns?

What is available for our child-bearing-aged women, and how can we grandmothers step in to help protect our heritage (the children)?

Can you direct me to more information aimed at statistics for individual reservations? Perhaps we can learn from those experiencing a reprieve as well as those who are not achieving positive results.

Is there a web site that allows us to converse and compare programs and ideas?

Thank You for your time;
Sincerely,
Wendy


Dear Wendy:

I am not an expert on this topic, but many people are very concerned. You need to contact groups working with native American alcoholism — I do know the rate of FAS is many (30!) times as high among native Americans as among Whites.

What my site is about — and I believe it applies doubly to Native Americans — is whether telling people they are born with the disease of alcoholism is helpful. I say not.

Best, Stanton


Dear Dr. Peele:

Thank you for responding to my note. I agree that the disease-model is not positive for my people for a number of reasons.

First, it gives an excuse: "Yes, there's something wrong with us and we can't help ourselves, so let's just go out and fulfill our destiny."

Second, the disease model ignores many of the real issues surrounding Indigenous people in the United States. For example, aside from being coerced from our ancestral lands and needing to adjust to new diets (which results in all varieties of bodily illnesses through several generations), many of our family members, clan members, tribal members died from new diseases, malnutrition, bounties, and so forth.

We wrapped our remaining relatives closely to us, tolerating addictions and other maladaptive behaviors simply to hold on to those few who remained. In 1979, thanks to Jimmy Carter's Freedom of Religion Act, we were finally given permission to pray in our own way without being jailed for doing so, then in the late eighties, the U.S. government finally stopped removing children — for educational purposes (the Carlisle School) — from their reservations at the age of six.

It has been a long holocaust for us, and I'd say my people need treatment for generations of pent up anger, post traumatic stress, horrific depression, and low self-esteem for having been so helpless to prevent what happened. Further, because the children — all but a few who were hidden — were regularly removed over several generations, I'd say we also could use parenting skills!

No, the disease model only serves to prolong our substance abuse difficulties. We as a people fairly collectively believe that our hope and our heritage lie within the children. If this is so, then surely our hope lies within ourselves to model the laying aside of addictions and to begin to demonstrate honor and sober integrity.

Yet as I reach out across the web, I'm finding no statistics, no real research, no positive connections, hence, I must be searching the wrong venues.

Again, thank you for your time, and further, thank you for you.

Sincerely,
Wendy Whitaker

next: Drug, Set or Setting - Which Has the Greatest Impact Upon Drug Use Problems?
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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Does the Disease Concept of Alcoholism Benefit Native Americans?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/addictions/articles/does-the-disease-concept-of-alcoholism-benefit-native-americans

Last Updated: June 27, 2016

Romantic Jealousy is Scary!

Jealously. . . it feeds on your insecurity, devours your self-confidence, and gobbles up the trust in your relationship.

Jealousy has been defined as an emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that she or he wants (typically attention, love, or affection) to a third party.

Romantic Jealousy is Scary!Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the resentfully suspicious nature of man. It is a universal emotional trauma caused by things as well as people. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat - real or imagined - to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy has a mind of its own and it is strong enough to make us believe and see things that are not even there or that have not happened yet.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

While some couples seem to feed off of inciting a playful type of jealousy, many other relationships are laid to waste by uncontrollable and irrational fits of jealous rage.

In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. But when jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Jealousy is almost always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. Unless an unfaithful partner has broken trust, about 90% of jealousy comes from from personal insecurity. When you are feeling unloved, be careful not to focus on your partner when the feelings are really inside you. Jealousy provides an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of yourself. You may be being driven by your fears.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.


 


One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

To keep yourself on the right track of jealousy conquering, just remember these steps:

Acknowledge your jealousy. Ask yourself where it is coming from and why it makes you feel jealous. I suggest asking yourself, "What do I feel insecure about? Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?"

Make self-health and lifestyle changes that will assist you in fighting it off. Combine jealousy with a more rational emotion. Have patience and practice!

As long as you keep those steps in mind and follow them, you will learn how to take control of your jealousy instead of it controlling you.

Emma Goldman once said, "All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open. When love can go and come without fear of meeting a watch-dog, jealousy will rarely take root because it will soon learn that where there are no locks and keys, there is no place for suspicion and distrust, two elements upon which jealousy thrives and prospers."

next: Kidding Around With Romance

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Romantic Jealousy is Scary!, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/romantic-jealousy-is-scary

Last Updated: March 25, 2016

Eating Disorder, Type 1 Diabetes a Dangerous Mix

Despite the importance of nutrition in managing type 1 diabetes, eating disorders and unhealthy weight-control tactics are not uncommon in young women with the disease -- and the combination can lead to serious complications.Despite the importance of nutrition in managing type 1 diabetes, eating disorders and unhealthy weight-control tactics are not uncommon in young women with the disease -- and the combination can lead to serious complications, a new study shows.

UK researchers found that among 87 teenage girls and young women with type 1 diabetes who were followed over roughly a decade, 15 percent had a probable eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia, at some point during the study.

In addition, more than one-third reported cutting back on their insulin in an effort to keep their weight in check, while others said they had vomited or abused laxatives for weight control.

Instead of fading with age, these problems became more common in young adulthood compared with adolescence, according to findings published in the journal Diabetes Care.

The study included girls and young women ages 11 to 25 who were patients at a UK diabetes clinic in the late 1980s. They were interviewed about their eating habits, attitudes toward food and eating disorder symptoms at the start of the study, then again when they were between the ages of 20 and 38.

Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the immune system mistakenly destroys the pancreatic cells that produce insulin -- a hormone that helps usher the sugar from foods out of the blood and into body cells to be used for energy.

People with type 1 diabetes must take daily insulin injections in order to live. They also have to be careful about what and when they eat to avoid dangerous blood sugar lows, while also sticking with their insulin regimens to keep blood sugar levels from soaring. Over time, poor blood sugar control can lead to complications such as kidney failure, nerve damage, vision problems and heart disease.

Despite the importance of healthy habits in type 1 diabetes, some patients are able to disguise the fact that they have an eating disorder, according to Dr. Robert C. Peveler of the University of Southampton, the lead author of the new study.

"Surprisingly, some patients do manage it for a time," he told Reuters Health. "The deterioration in their health may be quite slow and therefore hard to spot."

Among women in his team's study, those with a history of eating disorders were five times more likely than their peers to suffer two or more diabetes complications -- such as damage to the eye's blood vessels, kidney dysfunction or nerve damage in the limbs -- over 8 to 12 years of follow-up.

Women who had ever used unhealthy weight-control tactics or misused their insulin faced a similarly elevated risk of complications.

Overall, six women died during the study period, two of whom had bulimia, Peveler and his colleagues found.

Poor blood sugar control likely made a large contribution to the heightened complication risks, Peveler said, but poor nutrition may also have played a direct role. As an example, he noted that non-diabetic women with anorexia can develop diabetes-like nerve damage in the extremities.

It's unclear, according to Peveler, whether there is something about type 1 diabetes that makes women with the disease vulnerable to eating disorders.

"We still can't really be sure, but it looks as if there may be a slight increase in risk," he said.

The fact that insulin injections can promote weight gain may play a role, as well as the stress of managing a chronic disease, according to Peveler. But for now, he noted, that is just speculation.

SOURCE: Diabetes Care.

next: Figuring Out Fat and Calories
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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Eating Disorder, Type 1 Diabetes a Dangerous Mix, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/articles/eating-disorder-type-1-diabetes-a-dangerous-mix

Last Updated: January 14, 2014

Is Your Relationship Stranded at Malfunction Junction?

Having a successful relationship is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights shine up ahead, AND you can make the entire trip that way. When you see a bump in the road or have to take a detour (to avoid a major disagreement), you simply make a mutually beneficial adjustment and keep on going!

Is Your Relationship Stranded at Malfunction Junction?Couples need to go through the ups and downs, experience the traumas and revel in the successes of their relationship in order to grow. Commitment to complete the journey, come what may, nurtures the love needed to arrive there together.

When the relationship is strained, it is often difficult to be your own person. Sometimes you may feel that if you don't do what your partner wants you to do, he/she will be upset and become even more distant. This is where agreements are important. Agree to allow each other to make your own choices, first for yourself and then for the relationship. Remember, women usually respond most to a man's action or lack of action. Men generally respond most to a woman's attitude. So. . . now you know what you need to work on. Men - Action. Women - Attitude.

Stay on track. Do what's right. Do unto your partner what you would have them do unto you. Indulge in honoring your combined efforts. Buy your partnership a trophy from a trophy shop. Have it engraved. Present it to each other in your very own private ceremony where you renew your promise to each other to continue to work together.

Let go of having to "be right!" Healthy, full functioning couples find happiness is sharing their differences instead of being indifferent to them. They discover happiness in discussing, in a loving way, areas of mutual concern. It's true! Men and women are truly different, AND there are similarities.

Healthy couples identify problems, talk openly and honestly about their differences and choose workable solutions. Integrate your mutual intentions for a healthy, happy relationship or the relationship will evaporate.

Give each other room to grow. No one can grow in the shade. If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours. Partners need time alone. They need space. Give it willingly. Take time to be alone with your thoughts. This is another way to attend to your needs.

Even though it may appear that you are from different planets because you share so little in your communication, it is possible for you to lay down your ray guns, seek peace and choose to travel in the same orbit, working together to celebrate your differences in ways that mutually benefit the relationship. Always remember: If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!

Have sexual speed bumps slowed you down? Click here!
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Here's your relationship road map! Click here for 52 relationship tips!

May all your "ups and downs" be beneath the sheets!

next: The Keys to Self-Acceptance

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Is Your Relationship Stranded at Malfunction Junction?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/is-your-relationship-stranded-at-malfunction-junction

Last Updated: June 3, 2015

General Signs and Symptoms of Drug or Alcohol Abuse

Detailed information on the physical and behavioral signs of drug and alcohol abuse.

If you notice unexplained changes in physical appearance or behavior, it may be a sign of drug abuse - or it could be a sign of another problem. You will not know definitively until a professional does a screening.

Physical Signs

  • Change in sleeping patterns
  • Bloodshot eyes
  • Slurred or agitated speech
  • Sudden or dramatic weight loss or gain
  • Skin abrasions/bruises
  • Neglected appearance/poor hygiene
  • Sick more frequently
  • Accidents or injuries

Behavioral Signs

  • Detailed information on the physical and behavioral signs of drug and alcohol abuse.Hiding use; lying and covering up
  • Sense that the person will "do anything" to use again regardless of consequences
  • Loss of control or choice of use (drug-seeking behavior)
  • Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
  • Emotional instability
  • Hyperactive or hyper-aggressive Depression
  • Missing school or work
  • Failure to fulfill responsibilities at school or work
  • Complaints from teachers or co-workers
  • Reports of intoxication at school or work
  • Furtive or secretive behavior
  • Avoiding eye contact
  • Locked doors
  • Going out every night
  • Change in friends or peer group
  • Change in clothing or appearance
  • Unusual smells on clothing or breath
  • Heavy use of over-the-counter preparations to reduce eye reddening, nasal irritation, or bad breath
  • Hidden stashes of alcohol
  • Alcohol missing from your supply
  • Prescription medicine missing
  • Money missing
  • Valuables missing
  • Disappearances for long periods of time
  • Running away
  • Secretive phone calls
  • Unusual containers or wrappers

Sources:

  • The National Institute on Drug Abuse
  • American Institute for Preventive Medicine

next: Support Groups for Alcoholism - Drug Abuse and Addiction
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APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2008, December 21). General Signs and Symptoms of Drug or Alcohol Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/addictions/articles/signs-symptoms-drug-alcohol-abuse

Last Updated: June 28, 2016