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Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.

One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately wanted from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.

When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone

When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.

When a Narcissist Abuses Others

That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.

It is very difficult for any of us, abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation

Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.

It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.

Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.

If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.

This article was written by:

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

83 thoughts on “Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation”

  1. I just left covert narc husband after10 years together. Now that I’m healing myself, I can see that my mom was a narcissist and I’ve pretty much been groomed for this bs. as a child, I wondered why am I a good person when I should/ could be a great person. Then I left for college and didn’t have to suffer her as directly.
    Then I met narc spouse. Some stupid things I remember was being afraid that he would hear me pee. But I thought that was just nervousness from starting dating. Then when we lived together, I’d be scared to pee in the middle of the night because he’d get mad if I flushed and woke him up.. but if I didn’t flush he’d be mad about seeing what was left in the latrine. And I had so much undo stress about something as dumb as that. And THAT was just the beginning. it just kept getting worse on every facet until I started taking Prozac right after we got married. When I finally left is when I was considering taking ADHD mess because I couldn’t think and had no motivation to do anything. I had a constant eye twitch. And my wrists/ hands didn’t work. So I left the house to figure things out. And when I was out of his influence, I realized that I’d been abused.
    I wasn’t even planning to divorce then, either (baby steps). Until one day I went back into the house to pick up our young son and spouse lost his mind. He was screaming and crying and saying I was hollering at him (when in fact I was cowering on the floor in fear). So that’s when i decided I would not be married any more.
    I’ve lost a ton of friends because things have been set up as if he’s the good, responsible partner and I’m the crazy, irresponsible one. But knowing that they will Never understand has made letting them go easy. Plus they were his friends. They are not ppl i would choose to befriend on my own. As an exhaust valve 2 years ago, I started doing stand up comedy. It’s been therapeutic. I go to Al Anon, therapy and yoga.
    Keep climbing, friends.

  2. I first got with my gf 4years ago ,everything was fine at the start. Then slowly I noticed she was going at mad at me with things I never did like she would say I shouted at her when I didn’t, I physically did things to her when I didn’t. I couldn’t understand what’s going on I felt like am I going crazy? Am honest when it comes things i know am not perfect. I always apologize when I do wrong and try to change things to do better. She would never apologize gets angry when I confront her or ask her to apologize. She sends me texts or images that would make me think she’s with some one else. when I confront her she always has a twist and say I didn’t mean that or you got the wrong end of stick. Weeks days go by we don’t talk n get back together as I feel sorry for her and keep thinking maybe I am in the wrong or at faults.
    But i just don’t understand what it is I feel like I am not myself I feel drained dead inside. I was bubbly confident person before I met her.. I find it really hard to move on with life and she’s drilled my head I will never ever find anyone like her and the grass is not always greener her exact word . I feel bit lost and stuck.
    Can this be me in the fault am I just playing mr softy and probably feeling sorry for myself or is she just a wrong character. I don’t know the difference or right or wrong no more.

  3. I’m another guy who has finally left his covert narcissistic wife. I don’t have much to add to the descriptions in this story and in these responses. These descriptions have been told time and time again. I just wanted to point out how much more difficult it is for a man to get help when being abused by a covert narcissist. Once you’ve lived this, you eventually realize that the narcissist isn’t lying to you when they accuse you of abuse, no matter how ridiculous or exaggerated the accusations. They actually feel that you have hurt them. It’s called narcissistic harm. They truly believe they are a victim. As NPD is a personality disorder, it is both their perception of reality and their reaction to this perception which is affected without them even knowing it. All too often, this genuine belief is enough to convince others that the actual abuser is the victim of abuse. This is especially true and devastating when a divorce with young children occurs. The female narcissist will be able to create many “flying monkeys” through her claims of abuse and these people will help her in her quest for full control and full custody of the young children (who can’t much understand the problem yet). This is happening to thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of families every year and our culture has very few means of addressing it as men are never thought of as the victim and women are never thought of as being the villain.

    1. Thank you for the post. It has been so challenging for support to through this process. No one believes you and most importantly you want to do the right thing. Especially when we have kids. I have finally moved out of my house to leave a controlling wife. The abuse was that was given was that I am not leader. I can’t be trusted. I am always destroying her. I don’t make her feel good. The constant skepticism and anything that I might know. I am running for my life.

  4. Yes justbrecovering. Getting my self esteem back, re engaging in my life again. Still grieving for the charming man I met. I have also lost so many friends from this relationship,I am lonely now

  5. I have been with my narc for 20 years. On a family vacation to visit his family he and his mother blew up in my face about speaking to his ex brother in law. I was forced to leave the house without my kids and spent three nights in a hotel with no transportation until he decided to go back home and was nice enough to allow me to ride along 😏 I am prepared to file once we return home but because we have children how do I prepare for the rage that is anticipated because going no contact is not an option

    1. I am just beginning my recovery from a N spouse. My first instinct is to tell YO that no contact IS an option. As unhealthy as your mate is for you tjey are that unhealthy for your children. Educate your children well in the strain that a Narc is suffering from and go no contact with compassion. I’ve been reading some on interventions for Narcs too. Good for you for getting out! Best thoughts go out to you.

  6. I have recently left my narcisstic husband after 2 years.
    When we first dated he was the ideal man, kind generous and loving. As soon as we got married his behaviour changed, he became cold uncaring …it was , secretive, just strange I could never put my finger on it. I began to think it was me and that I was argumentative and unreasonable. He admitted he had an issue with OCD so I took him to see a psychiatrist – I never got to find out the results of the sessions due to patient confidentiality. It all came to a head when I became exhausted by his behaviour never eating, sleeping, silent treatment, refusing to share money , refusing to work and rude behaviour towards my family . It escalated into a massive argument which resulted in me finding out he had been previously been married, is violent and a compulsive gambler. I had a lucky escape . For me it was comforting to find out from his ex that he had already behaved in this manner with someone else. It wasn’t me and I wasn’t imaging it. I’ve only just realised that I have married to a narcisst and suffered narcisstic abuse . It’s not something I had ever heard of before. My advice to anyone in a relationship with a narcist don’t think they will ever change. They won’t. The only person who will change is you – you will lose who you are . You have to be strong and leave before you forget who
    You are.

  7. Im a man After 13 years with my wife. I had gone so far as hiding under the bed. I with drew from life. I wanted to die I felt so trapped. I gained 115 lbs. Had 2 heart attacks worked my self crazy to maintain her needs. When I had nothing left for her she found another man to abuse. She wanted to be freinds. I’m only know understanding why this has been so hard on me. I’ve been in combat under fire with no problems but this was killing me. I’m still getting a grip on it all

  8. Recovery is so hard because you already gave away all your power, then you are left with none for yourself. He has moved on to another suppy and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, you….the “ONE” he wanted forever, is left in a puddle of your own emptiness. Answering your own questions…”How could I have let this happen?” is impossible. It’s hard to remember that it was his illness, not yours. He just dragged you into his world, just because you loved him and you believed he was who he represented himself to be.

  9. No one understands the pain of a narcissistic relationship unless you have experienced the hurt first hand. The road to recovery is a road few victims travel. The first step is to want to feel better. From there dedicate yourself to change. Meaning picking up moving forward, and letting go of what has happened. Also, it is important to realize you cannot make a narcissist change or help them realize the pain they cause. Take the lid of life and choose to live again.

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