PTSD and Memories of Abuse Can Diminish by Noticing Them
Many abuse victims suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), me included. The other day in the middle of writing the post about my ex's abusive anger, I had to take an hour break before I could finish it. My body reacted the same way it did when my ex ran up on me--panicky, wobbly, . . . fearful. It helps to know what is happening at times like these. If I didn't know that PTSD influenced me both physically and emotionally, I may think I was just plain stupid for still being this way. As it is, I recognize the PTSD symptom and take necessary steps to ground myself and bring myself back into the present to deal with the PTSD and the memories of abuse.
Ways to Deal with PTSD and Memories of Abuse
I reminded myself that I was okay presently. My husband does not live here, so he cannot terrorize me the way he once did. I filled a glass with cool water and held onto the sink to stabilize my body.
Part of me wanted to jump in the car and drive far away because my safety net at the end of my marriage was to drive away. I resisted the urge. I looked around my home and saw only my things. There is no trace of my ex here (Top 21 Anxiety Grounding Techniques).
I grabbed a book, The Gift of Fear and flipped it open, reminding myself that my fear instinct, the one I ignored for the majority of my marriage, is not accustomed to me listening to it. I was married for almost 18 years; fearful for almost two decades. I ignored my fear responses because "He loves me. I love him. He won't hurt me". Basically, I told my body's innate fear reactors to shut the hell up and stop bothering me.
What Should Happen When You Have PTSD and Memories of Abuse?
So what do I really expect to happen now, only three years out of the marriage? I have been free from his daily abuses for only one-sixth of the time I was captive to them. It seems reasonable that my body continues to react fearfully after I ignored its warnings for so long.
I accept my body's reaction to fear, even to fear imagined, caused when I typed those memories of abuse into a blog post. I believe that in time, if I patiently soothe my body's fear and let it know "I hear you, and this is what we're going to do,..." that the reaction will disappear. That the PTSD and the memories of abuse will weaken.
PTSD and Those Memories of Abuse Shadow Me
In another example of PTSD symptoms, I responded angrily to my boyfriend's question, "Where's my toothbrush?"
I snarled back, "How should I know? It wasn't my day to watch it!" Simultaneously, my body readied itself for fight/flight/freeze, and I felt stuck in fear. Fear over a simple question. Why?
The answer is simple: my ex rarely asked an innocent question. If something of his "went missing" from the house, it was my fault. And if I had nothing to do with losing the item, then it was my fault that I didn't notice its loss and spend my day locating it so his life wouldn't be disrupted. We argued over lost items a lot, and the arguments usually ended with me in tears, emotionally drained from his unwarranted attack.
But my ex is not here.
Max then asked, "What's wrong?" and I responded angrily to that question, too! It took three angry responses before I realized what was going on. Almost immediately, I felt so embarrassed. I went to my room, alone, to pull myself out of the past, out of the fear that something bad was about to go down. I felt guilty and weak.
I apologized to Max. He was kind enough to allow me to explain what happened in my head; I felt a lot better, and we let it go. I sometimes wonder how long my boyfriend will be able to love me as the time-traveler I have become. It isn't fair that Max has to deal with my past. It isn't fair that I have stow-aways from a past relationship embedded in my head.
On the other hand, I must continue to pay attention to my fear no matter what the source. A while back I wrote about an incident between my son and me. My body reacted to his anger and intimidation with fear - just like in the old days. However, unlike the old days, I paid attention.
Instead of standing toe-to-toe trying to make my case, I immediately went outside and sat on the porch. I knew my son wouldn't act the same outside where people could see and hear him as he did inside the house where there were no witnesses. I think that my reaction is a good sign. It doesn't matter if anyone else would have felt fear in that situation; the point is that I felt afraid so I did something to feel safer.
Likewise, the thing I must remember about the conversation gone bad with my boyfriend is that I figured out what was happening to me much sooner than I could have three years ago. My reactions to writing down my memories of abuse are getting further and further apart too. I think it is happening because of time, distance, and the fact that I am building a different storehouse of memories. I have more memories of reacting appropriately to fear now than I did when I left my ex-husband. If practice makes perfect, then my symptoms of PTSD will eventually disappear under the weight of healthier choices and actions.
Holly, K. (2012, December 17). PTSD and Memories of Abuse Can Diminish by Noticing Them, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, September 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/12/ptsd-memories-of-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
Play Daddy then ignore her hurt her. Say and do horrible things to us then act like nothing happened. Them go back to his silent treatment. Verball abuvise games he play every day now. Can't even stay in the same house with him he so cruel. Have save money to get a good lawyer my mothers helping me. I have Fibromyalgia.I disabled from it so I can work anymore so life will be hard for us but it better than staying here. With someone who doesn't love anyone but himself.
I have been having such a difficult time adjusting to life lately.
I was married to a very abusive man for about a year. I was tormented mentally, and abused physically. He would choke me, throw me around and even fractured my skull with the butt of a Glock 40, which when I came to was pointed in my face. He was unfaithful to me all the time, and there was a time I can remember laying on the floor after being knocked down, where I was BEGGING him to just love me.
I live in fear everywhere I go. I don't trust people anymore. I work at a call center. I thought I would love this job. Lately, I have been called horrible names on the phone during calls and for some reason, it takes me RIGHT back to putting up with being abused. I am afraid my employment is going to suffer. I don't know how much longer I can handle all of this.
Oh - don't tell dad about anything unless it's in the custody papers that you have to tell him about therapy/dr. visits. Keep this as close to your chest as you can when it comes to dad. And don't allow dad to have more contact with you just because he doesn't like what you're doing with "his" child.
I live in isolation because I am in fear, anxious or depressed. No, I don't believe there is a cure for me....or any of us, really. We make strides to be the best we can be. I am learning to ground myself and look for all the good I do have. I am a work in progress - isn't life about changes, and nothing being constant. Blessings to all of you who have and do suffer. You are bright stars in a world that doesn't quite get it.
Because of her abuse I did not have a menstrual cycle for one whole year. My body was in such distress, I suffered memory loss as well as emotional trauma. I felt like I was emotionally raped by her. She tookd all my inner secrets and deep desires of life and twisted them around to where I lost sight of who I was. She would yell "I CAN LOOK AT YOU AND TELL YOU HAVE ASPERGERS!" or "YOU KNOW I TREAT KIDS!" She would yell these statements because first I was in denial that I had Aspergers; Secondly, I told her I did not want to have children because of my negative mood based off my depression even though I had no idea about the Aspergers yet. She knew all my deepest darkest secrets and used them on me sessions later. She would pretend she couldnt remember what we discussed after I told her I had short term memory issues she would pretend she did too and she would play games by saying she could not remember. She was so passive aggressive. She did not want to treat me. She had a computer in front of her and I was not assertive enought to tell her to look up your notes in the computer." Other phrases she would say, "Knock that chip off your shoulder." I never had a chip on my shoulder. When she would voice these comments out loud to me in different sessions throught the two years I saw her. She would just say these things out of the blue with no reason or justification nor did they have any relation to the topic of conversation we just had but maybe two or four sessions prior. She played off my negative critic.She even made it seem as if she was doing me a favor by reading a passage out of the DSM manual as if it was some sort of secret for only L.M.H.C.'s. It's like I was supposted to read through hidden meanings when she would speak to me. For the longest time after I stopped seeing her I would look for hidden meanings in peoples words where I didn't before.She would control me and tell me my friends of 20 years were not my friends and that I was not ready to date after I had been dating prior to seeking therapy from her. I could never finish a sentence without her cutting me off. I could only get literally three words in without her attacking me and as I'm writing this I feel like it was just yesterday when all this last happened accept it was in May 2014. I'm really struggling with being in a job and not letting people trigger me with what they say. I don't trust people much anymore and I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I feel like I'm on constant fight mode. I feel like I have to move really fast and I have to watch out over my shoulder. I'm waiting for someone to pull a fast one on me. I cry when I have a flashback and I forget where I am when I have a trigger. If someone says anythng that reminds me of the therapist I flip out and get defensive. I would hear myself speak and my mental health symptoms were magnified. It scared me just listening how I spoke. It was like looking out a glass window and watching my life go by and not know what the hell was happening to me! She isolated me from family and friends. She told me not to spend money when I lost my job and when my parents finally saw and recognized that she was controlling me they said to quit seeing her. Prior to that conversation, I unknowingly had my last session with Polly and she repeated ever word verbatum, "We never discussed life events we just swept them under the rug." Then she mentioned how a priovious patient said she was going to sue his parents and I was just staring at the floor not saying a word and she said I take this job very seriously! Then some other things were said and the last statement she made to me was "You are all better!" I was going to tell her I had an appointment with the doctor she referred me too but something told me not to. Three days passed and I saw this Dr. his words calmed me because he said "This is a no judgement zone." As soon as he finished I let all my anxiety and fears out and cried explaining what this women said and did and he said it sounds almost like brainwashing. He admitted me into the hospital because of all the distress he saw. A week later I had a follow up appointment and my family voiced there concerns and I was shocked that someone actually cared about me. I was that far gone mentally. If I saw a person on the street the slightest hello made me think they were this awesome person. My perceptions of people are still off. I was so scared to leave the house one day to meet my friend for lunch of 20 years. I told her I'm sorry but I had an anxiety attack and I couldn't get myself to leave the house. I felt like I was still being controlled. This therapist still has a hold over me and my life and she is living her life just scott free!!!! My life was put on a stand still for two years and now from me being too trusting to I do not trust anyone and I'm scared to let anyone in.
This language will only prolong your suffering: we are not crazy, we may feel unable to cope at times and that's because we have been traumatised our bodies damaged bt healing is possible.
I was pretty sure I was manic depressive by 17 n my first overdose, rape, lots of attempted rape, kidnap, abusive father and step father. I was diagnosed with bpd bt I couldn't leave the house, I was terrified having panic attacks several times a day. I hated myself, self harmed n drank frm 12 yrs: I believed I was evil n deserved what happened to me and many suicide attempts I barely survived.
I was with mental health team bt the help was sporadic, some detrimental. I read about cptsd and something clicked.
I began dbt with a workbook, started meditating, yoga, my physical health had declined n I struggle with fibromyalgia n stopped drinking n started to really take care of myself cutting off family n friends who made my symptoms worse.
I'm in a much better place now at 29 I no longer berate myself or blame myself for this life. I try to help others heal though I am still taking myself. Group therapy for bpd and exposure. There is no quick fix bt self love n care putting self first n never giving up. I rarely self harm n see my scars as strentgh. I'm finally beginning to be myself, I still struggle daily bt this is my life m I have to be responsible for my own happiness.
I wish everyone the atrentgh to not give up. It can get better bt it's not easy by any shot.
Ur not crazy u been through so much n body tries to protect itself, fight or flight. Take the days hour by hour. Be thankful for lil things. I am always so happy I have a nice bed. Never had that til now n sofa surfed a long time. I have food in the fridge again not something I always had n a lil flat that Is my sanctuary.
The road has been far frm easy. Next pysch appointment I will be mentioning that I feel I have PTSD. Though the last pysch I told said no it's one event. I belive all the traumas I suffered added up alone with a turbulent home life my dad had rages I hated all men for a time bt realise that's black n white thinking. Try to take everyone as an individual. Do ur research dnt give up ever. Ur worth so much more than people have made us feel. Ur safe now
I am so lost because I feel unsupported by my mother too. She enjoys making things deliberately difficult as she herself had mental health problems. I don't deserve any of this. I just want someone very kind who will love me. Is that such a tall order???
I hope this resource leads you in a positive direction.
Co-parenting is a nightmare because he has access to me. I try not to let him get to me, but some days are better than others. The one thing I know for sure, though, is I definitely did the right thing by leaving!! I am healthier, my kids are definitely happier and more stable. It was the hardest thing I ever did, kind of like walking off a cliff. But I am so glad I did it. I have my self-confidence back, I trust my judgment again, I am a much better mom, I set up a home full of peace and love...and, at least, my kids can see another side of how life can be lived.
All PTS-Injury stories just sound the same to me, circular,
what I really want to know is why we married women stayed married SO LONG to abusive men?
Why did I not tell him to get lost the 1st 6 months?
Man oh man I just remember my determination to MAKE IT WORK. Carry on, make it work.
How painful to realize I had the power and the choice to stay or go and I chose stay.
How awful a choice was staying.
The biggest ooops I ever made.
It started with little spiteful words about my family and friends. Slowly, my family and friends did not want to be around. Eventually he began removing physical things that meant a lot to me. A 100 year old rosé hip plant in my backyard that I cherished, he bulldozed one day while I was at work. The next day he flattened the herb garden I shared herbs with the neighbors out of. Looking back, I should have stopped right there and made him leave then. But I did not. I thought if I loved him enough, he would stop, at least that is what he kept telling me, that I needed to focus more on him and less on my garden.
When I became pregnant it got better for a little while and we had decided it would be a good idea to quit my job to stay home with the baby. A few days after that he began drinking alcohol heavily, I had never known him to drink ever, yet he drank as if he had been doing it all along. I was mortified, how coud I have not known. Then he announced that he had been married before and had a son he had not seen for several years. Slowly he started telling me horrific things about his childhood, I felt I could make his life better from here on out. I fell right into his trap. When our son was born, he had a celebration at my house while I was at the hospital, then drove me home, said I had a mess to clean up and left for two days with our only car.
It was two years later, in the middle of an argument with him, I felt something tugging on my leg, looked down to see my son desperately trying to separate us, I decided I had had enough. I shut my mouth, picked up my son and held on. It was hard but I found resources in our community to help me with the process of divorce. I was scared and he knew it. I made the look on my sons face that day when I looked down my motivation to move on. I never wanted my son to feel like that again. It took another full year to get through the divorce and finally I could start over.
When people think of abuse they tend only to think of the physical kind that you can see and prove. They do not think of emotional scars that words and behavior leave on the mind. As well as financial abuse that often coincides with verbal abuse because it is a way of controlling us that cannot be seen. These leave scars inside that are forever part of us but they don't have to define us anymore. I hope to someday be healthy enough to help others out of bad situations, like others have helped me.
We were a train wreck destined to happen, but, of course, crazy "in love" as they say.
The first year or so was probably normal as far as adjustments go. However, once we moved back to his family's state (I had not met them yet), he started closing the bars (I had never known him to drink other than a beer or two), insisting I adopt his family's culture (not that he put it in those terms), and he physically came at me a couple of times.
I was shell-shocked, as I put it, for the first few years there. Nevertheless, life went on. I did what I could to deal with him. And, of course, there were good moments. I was completely and utterly non-equipped to deal with the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, let alone to really understand it. And of course, I had yet to really understand the dark backgrounds from which we both came.
During my second pregnancy (my older child was two) I left him for about three days after a physical incident, but all I had to my own name was forty dollars. I had recently quit my part time job due to the pregnancy. After he promised to go to counseling with me, when we spoke on the phone, I hoped that we could work things out, so I went back.
Of course, that was a lie.
Soon after, we moved away from his toxic family and the bars. We both knew if we stayed it would have ended badly. We came back near my toxic family.
For a number of years, except for his critical nature (which I never knew to regard as verbal abuse back then), things seemed to improve slightly. Of course, he had also quit drinking. Or so I thought.
About ten years later, a threat of more physical violence resurfaced. I told him this time, unless we actually sought counseling, this would be it for us.
We went together. He went singly, I went singly. One of our then teen-aged daughters also went. This seemed to help considerably for about 20 years. He became much nicer; sought to and did restore his relationship with his children. We were closer. And of course I was "growing up," too. We used to say we both grew up together.
so this "recovery" lasted quite awhile. Then, he started drinking again. It's amazing how much damage alcohol can do.
Fast forward to two months ago.
The last time I spoke to him was on my cell phone in my car as I fled the house after, in an alcohol-fueled screaming rage (with no triggers that I saw...we had just cozied up on a rainy night to watch a favorite video)he insulted me every which way he could think of, insulted my family, my profession, even my gene pool. Not kidding. He also told me i was never the love of his life, because he knew what it was like to have a love of his life. Oooooooo...kay......
Only this time, having been slowly but surely "growing into my own and into my own sense of worth and value" because I had become a Christian early on, and I had allowed God to inform, then heal, then transform me into the much more "whole" person I truly am, I was able to tell him, when he stopped to catch his breath, "You know, don't you, that what you are telling me is highly insulting, but I know who I am now..."
Of course, whatever had gotten hold of him was oblivious pretty much to my responses. At one point, because I had sinus issues at the time, I excused myself to take some medication. While I was in the bathroom reaching for the meds, quietly and clearly, these words came to mind: "You need to go now."
I looked up, realized the truth of them, realized I could, now, leave (kids grown and gone, have my own income and insurance, etc., as does he). I walked through the kitchen, grabbied my purse and keys, said a quick prayer that he wouldn't hear the garage door open and that I could be some distance before he checked. I was about ten miles out of town on the way to my safe house when he called. I opened the cell phone and listened.
For about twenty minutes, he kept repeating "You must turn that car around and come home. If you don't, you will tear this marriage apart."
Having long since learned to not respond to drunken/lying/critical spirits, I only said "No."
Once I got to my destination, I finally said, "I have to go now."
Our divorce should be final in a few weeks.
I have not spoken to him nor seen him since that night. I only text him basic information he needs to know. He is too good at targeting me with even the slightest look, throat-clear, pregnant pause...
I, too, LOVE Patricia Evans' book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Although I have done countless hours of other research on my own, too. And even thought part of what his assessment of my family is true--we are "f--ing nuts," the difference is that most of us have tenaciously sought help through counsel, prayer, and never giving up the search for truth and we are, now, a rich source of help, comfort, wisdom, correction, guidance, and real-life help for each other.
But, and here is the main reason I write this, I am in complete and joyful agreement with the woman just above who references what has obviously been a source of help in her life: faith in Jesus Christ and the power He provides those who receive Him and then allow Him to heal and deliver them.
It starts with finding out who we really are.
Our "enemies" of mind, emotion, body, and spirit might be really good. They might be very smart and skilled. We might also have been born and bred into the victim/target role. And all of this might be overwhelming, to be sure. But there is a "power source" much greater than all of that. A source that does not just give practical advice about the nature of good/evil; wisdom/foolishness (try Proverbs for starters), but Who also answers prayers, promises deliverance from evil, and sometimes, even, say, "speaks" to us clearly and plainly regarding the specific nature of what we have to do. Right now. Sometimes, it's "leave."
I am fully aware of my current "PTSD"-like responses to all those years, although several people I trust believe he was just "forcing my hand" that night, which is consistent with his desire to never be "the heavy."
I am committed to eating well, getting exercise, taking any and all little "safe" steps if I feel the least fearful, again. I have excellent counsel and support. I read Scriptures every day for practical guidance and encouragement.
I may be a bit worse for the wear, but I am intact. I may still take my blood pressure meds and antacids for awhile, but every day my body is a bit more at peace, a bit more stable.
I feel as if I have been allowed a great, big, miracle in this. And I can fully say I have also been gifted to be able to forgive him. Although I do not ever know if I will be able to talk to or see him again. Texting is clean, simple, brief.
Blessings and comfort and encouragement and love and hugs to every one of you. I appreciate you. I hope you have found some comfort, here, in my story.
It has been nine years since I have even seen my ex and five or six years since I spoke to him over the phone, until two weeks ago. I realized it had not been long enough. He came out on the porch when I was dropping my daughter off and stood there glaring at me. I tried to be strong and show him I was not afraid anymore, but I had to turn away after I realized it was actually him my eyes were seeing, because my entire body began to shake. Even writing about it brings anxiety.
In my mind I struggle with why I react this way, why can't I just be stronger and brush it off. I was always a very strong minded, driven person before I married him. He changed that about me, he changed my whole perspective about myself. And I think I am angry with myself for allowing him to have control of that. Before, I was an advocate for victims of rape and abuse. I never thought in a million years I would become one again. I want to be that advocate again, I just feel stuck.
I have been remarried for seven years now, my husband now has been very patient and never raises his voice or talks down to me, that ironically has taken some getting used to. He knew what kind of baggage I was carrying and chose to take some from me over the years and I am grateful. Now I have to find my way back emotionally for myself and my family. Thanks for having this healthy place where I feel I am not alone.
I know how you feel! I was in an abusive marriage for thirty years. I dealt with controlling, verbal, physical,emotional, and financial abuse. My ex would tell everyone I was crazy, and turned a lot of people against me including my own children! He was the crazy person! All I wanted was to love and be loved,to have trust, and to enjoy our lives together. I have been dealing with abuse since age 2 when my uncle molested me. It seems once you are victimized, unless you become stronger about how you see yourself, you will fall time and again for the same abuse. Abusers only target the weak. We must become strong within ourselves and guard our hearts and minds from the evil who are out to destroy us. I have put my life, heart, and mind in the Lord Jesus Christ. He guards my heart and mind like a strong tower! I will pray for you like so many of us on this blog. Pain may last for the night, but our joy comes in the morning! God Bless You!
always be more complicated for me than for other people. And it is very hard when most people can't really understand. But, God can help with anything. Best wishes.
I belived i was alone feeling like all i want to do is run screaming down the street like a mda man.
So often i just want to run away, and i cant understand why.
I get problems breathing, nausia and feel like throwing up. in the end i always end up in a feetal position and my tears never seem to stop.
im trying desperatly to figure out why. because its little things that can set these things off.
and now im more worried because lately i can be happy and smiling and suddenly realise my body is way off. i dont realise i am crying until my body starts sweating and i get a feeling i have to run away. then i get scared and cant figure out why.
i have moved from our old house and for a few months everything was wonderful. then my ex learned that i moved from her town and to my birthtown (20 minute drive). She didnt like it and like always for the past 4 years she becomes extremly angry that i dont respect her view that she is to decide where i live and what i do.
I really do have difficulty understanding why i cant controll my response when i have to be in a meeting with my ex. now i only try to "close" up when i see her. i realised that every time we are in a meeting she is saying somethings or making a gesture to make me be off-balance. even worse is that i alloved my therapist to speak to her so i have a anxiety and depression diagnosis and a unspecified NO disorder as a consequence. maybe it was not a good idea to start therapy when i did. and even worse aks my therapist to as my ex what was wrong with me. at least i should not have been suicidal at the time. :(
Now things to be even worse because i dont want to give my ex my new street and house number. she doesnt need it because i have told her i dont want to talk about anything else then our children and then unless its medical urgencies onlly on TXT or email.
As a response i got a letter from her lawer stressing me about the house despite i had allready told my ex that i wanted it to be sold on public marked and not privatly to her friend.
My new place that i used to feel totaly relaxed in. now feels like a prison and i keep looking outside expecting her to be in front of the house like she used to for the past 4 years.
im scared i will totaly loose it. i have never hit a woman before and im to old to start now. instead i hit my selfe mentaly.
I sleep for 1-3 hopures every night. i wake up and im soaking wet after sweat. last sumer i had started to dream again. it was so nice to sleep for a complete night, having dreams :). my life seemed normal again.
Now im back where i have been for almost 17 years. i am afraid of dating and meeting some one. because i cant rid my selfe of the thought maybe my ex is right and i messed her life up, if i am crazy aht gives me the right to destroy another human's life like that? how can i ask some one to live with me when my life is so messed up, i dont sleep properly, i relive my marriage over and over again, i dont eat properly, i cant focuse more then a few minutes of the time. i cant remeber anything more then a few houres.
some times like now i wish i would not have been brought to the domestic violance centre and hteir councelors. i wish some one could remove what they and other councelours have told me about the marriage. even if my life was .... grey and empty. it was nice to be in a "foggy daze" and not know that life was not supposed to be like that.
I do admit tha being screamed at by my ex mother in law and sister in law because i moved our bedroom furnitures around, or didnt put the bathroom tiles like they wanted to was distressing, i always wonder why my ex never tried to tell them to shut up. and why she always yelled at me when i told the to shut up or get out.
Now i wonder if she found pleasure in seing me so angry that i almost hit and punched them. but instead my eyes started to cry of anger and i would hit the wall. she should have told them at least not to grab hold of my arm to prevent me from walking away from them.
I miss the time then everything was my fault because she told me so. at least i never remeberd why and what i did. but i always counted on her letting me know why it was so because i had "forgotten because i had short term memory problems".
now all sorts of memories are surfacing everytime im reminded. and i cant understand how and why i could permit having more then 1 child with her. im tormented by al those times i had to hold her and crab the children away from her while she was shaling and hiting them. i cant understand how i can feel bad for grabbing hold of her arms once so hard that she felt pain once just to snap her out of shaking our 2 year old boy because she was angry at him for crying.
I wish i never had woken up. or at least have punched her once so i would have been the violant one. even though the domestic violance councelours keep telling me that this fact that even she cant say i laid a finger on her ( even if she tried to claim in court she was affraid of me), saved me and i should be proud that despite a suicide attemt i am still standing.
well i dont feel im standing. more like crawling and.....
How does you boyfriend deal with it? how did you overcome the doubth about being able to live and love some one ever again?
and most important how can i find a woman who is able to cope with my past?
As for me i cant expect or ask anyone to deal with my past. i have more then enought problems dealing with it my selfe. :(
There is never more then 3-6 months of peace before i get a message, mail, phonecall or my ex-family knocing on the front door. and then everything starts all over again. but those few months always makes me belive im ready for a new life and a new relationship. but after 4 years with only 3-6 months peace have teached me that peace will never last. :(
I had a female "friend" a short while. but when she told me that if i didnt make my ex shut up and stay away or she would beat the crap out of her, i ended the relationship.
I have again withdrew from my old friends who know my ex. it was hard to learn why they stoped comming around. and in some way even harder when we met up again. harder because they have all at some point come to me and asked me to tell my ex to shut up or they would beat her. after awhile i started to tell them i couldnt ask or tell my ex anything and that they better tell her them selfes. i know they are being suportive but ...
I wish i could go to bed without heavy sleeping med, traveling somewhere or going some where without having to wonder if i should bring my anxiety medication.
They say people who suffored mental abuse or abuse in general should get educated and aqurie knowledge about the abuse.
Well i regret i did start to learn, because it makes me askmore question, everytime some of my doubth is removed i getmore doubth, confused and angry how i could not have seen, realised and stoped it. fair enought i have realised i could not have done much differently for her, i would not have mattered anyway. But at least i wouldnt go around wondering about my selfe. for every question i get a new qnswer to anotherone comes along :(
And its painful not not know if im ever going to be able to have a relationship, peace for more then 6 months. smile and be happy without suddenly my body reacting in a weird and totaly irassional way.
Its not normal not being able to go out without having a feeling deep inside that a woman should suddenly start Screaming and acuisng you of something just because she have the same haircolor, dress og have some resemblanse with my ex.
I do have to agree with my first therapist that its not normal to stay in such relationship for so long. but how could i know? i didnt even know it was abusive until 3 years after she left. and then only because i was forced to meet the domestic violance shelter for women. and a therapist in a different part of the country i live in. it took them over 3 months to convince me i was the victim and not my ex.
Now its like i feel i want to be admited to a psycward (i have asked but they refused).
I live in a country with free healthcare but they wont give some one a diagnose of PTSD unless they have been soldiers or come frome a wartorn country. the only violance victims who gets this treatment is those who have been seriously beaten and hospitalised. i never did bother about what the domestic violance centre, friends and violance therapist told me about PTSD. i trusted the public psycologist that told me he would not test me for this. now i took the test online and i scored 17 of how many positive :( i read about reactions, body-reactions and so on and everything fits there are no symptom i have who does not fit. i dont have everything positive on the test (thank God).
In January i am to go to a new specialist treatment centre for abuse and domestic violance. this is on top of the public healthcare but they have no say in medication and so on because they are a 1.st line service. and i wish i had not read about PTSD now :(. the new therapist centre is specialised in PTSD maybe thats a good thing....? but reading about it realising it will stay with me for a long time is hard. and if i have understood treatment correctly i have to again go thru my married life with a therapist.
I DONT WANT THAT! i was forced to do it by my psycologist once, then at the domestic violance centre, then again with abuse therapist at different centres around the country. they all tell me as my psycologist did, i have to.
I have to go thru everything and suffer all those emotions again.
i cant understand WHY.
I only want help to get rid of the body re-actions.
im "safe" now. noby screams yell or creates situations where...... my mind is for the most parts calm. and when its not i only want to drink until i pass out but im told i cant because of i will feel worse afterwards. So i dont.
Can you tell me why i have to go thru all in my past? it doesnt make sence. granted i was not happy since i met my ex. but then again i was numb. i didnt feel much that i remember at least until therapists started to "poke holes" making me talk about my married life, when all i wanted to do was to talk about my life before my ex.
the public psycologist gave me a not specified personality disorder (NOS) because he had to give me a diagnoses to be allowed to treat me. the anxiety and depression diagnoses was not enought he told me for the time he needed to treat me. for over 1 year now almost 2 i have been going there and all they want to do is to talk about my marriage and then complaining that i cant let go of everything that happend. I can talk about my childhood, time before my ex but every time they ask me question about my marriage life and what happend and everytime i end up sad, exhausted and just feel like ....
why is it so? its a simple wish i have, being able to sleep withpout heavy sleeping pills, going out and meet new people without having to take anxiety medication to feel safe.
I dont want to remember what ever my body is trying to tell me or make me remeber.
I want my mind to take controll over my body im so sick and tired of, like you say holding on to the kitchensinck to keep from fallin down or run screaming down the street like a mad man.
It have taken me a long time to write this and i do know i sound like a crazy person with seriously big mental problem. but im so unbelivable tired these days i only want a single night without waking up every 2 houre. but i guess i have to take the meds to sleep again :( and hope as i always do that they after a while again have corrected my sleep. but my life cant be like this every time i get a message or some one talks about my ex or something deep inside me gets stired up. i have to be able to find a way, better way then anciety meds and sleeping pills to deal with this...
When a child gets diabetes mellitis type one they are diabetic FOREVER and will have to manage their disease their entire life; or until a cure is found.
No matter how many healthy choices you make;
no matter how many healthy actions you take,
you will NEVER be CURED. Never.
It is like a sport, the more you practice your skills the better you will get, but you will never defeat it. There will never be a time when you win every single game, never. Win some, lose some is reality. Win all is not. Hoping for a "Cure" through ANY interventions will leave you with a great big let-down down the road that you could have and should avoid. Godd enough! Should become your motto. It is healthier. You can hate it all you want, but your ex changed who you are. Yes, with effort and dedication you CAN rise above it with sacrifices on your part, but get rid of it?- jettison it out of your life?-banish it to never-never land?-----no, never. It is in you, it has changed you, it will be a disease you will manage, never cure. How do you erase memories forever?
You can believe what you want and you will most likely find exactly what you believe to be true. I believe differently. Scars are evidence of healed injuries, and I will be healed - scars and all.
3 years old, 17 years old and 32 years old I believe. Now I know I'm crazy. Luckily for me my first therapist and I were a good match--I have come a long way. We worked hard--I worked hard with my husband by my side and many friends too. Not everyone in my family accepts what I say, that is difficult, but they have their own reasons I guess. Reading the different posts on your site allows me to understand I am not alone in how I have coped in the past and it also allows me to feel hope when other people have reached a new goal of insight and understanding. Thank you and Merry Christmas to all who read this. We might feel alone at times, but here we have a connection when that arises. I heard this somewhere: Everything will be OK in the end and if it's not, then it's not the end. God's Blessings.
Now it makes sense. In my childhood, I was abused by someone who made constant undermining, manipulative attacks that were subtle enough that no one else could see them for what they were. I knew I had PTSD, but it's hard to sort out the fine differences between bipolar and anything else--anything anyone "normal" would experience. Now this makes sense--what was a defense-mechanism in the past, recognizing an attack, is in over-drive now that I'm away from the attacker.
Like you, I don't know how much my friend will be interested in sticking around. I told her that my thinking was delusional/paranoid, but that doesn't mean she's going to want to expose herself to the risk of my treating her like that again. Perhaps this will help me to head off similar incidents in the future. Thanks so much!