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Co-Parenting With An Abuser

All of us survivors know that our ex will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children. We survivors also know how hard that type of abuse is to prove, and even proving it doesn’t mean your ex will have less time with our children. Proving non-sexual or non-physical abuse typically results in therapy if it results in anything at all. Therapy doesn’t work unless the abuser wants to change. They don’t want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.

If you are in this position, then you have to fight back through education and love. That is easier said than done, but it is very important to “do it” more often than you don’t.

  • Educate your kids about bullies, sexual predators, and dating violence.
  • Empathize with them when their other parent hurts them, remind them how great they are, and have faith that your children are smart cookies who will continue to talk to you about their problems.
  • Introduce your children to therapy, keep your eyes open for signs and symptoms of abuse, and report any allegations or proof of sexual or physical violence as soon as you see it.
  • Create a new safety plan with your children. Make sure they know what they can do if they feel afraid while at your ex’s house. You may have to be very careful about this because focusing on “what to do if you’re at mom’s house and she starts hitting you” could have negative effects. Instead, create a safety plan for your home, the babysitter’s, grandma’s, their friend’s and your ex’s. Make it a general “what to do if I am scared” plan without singling anyone out, then practice it with them.

Yes, it feels horrible to know that your kids cannot escape the emotional manipulation and pain like you did through separation or divorce. It is very difficult to cope with your kids’ visits to your ex when you truly believe it is but a matter of time before your children are injured on the outside too. It is a helpless feeling to watch them go off to your ex’s home, knowing “something bad” is waiting for them there. However, you cannot allow yourself to remain attached to your abuser through the children. So long as you feel like a victim (out of powerlessness to help your kids like you want to) you will remain a victim.

Remind yourself that now you are free of your ex’s daily abuse, much stronger and smarter, and therefore in a better position to support your children in helpful ways. When you lived with abuse, you did not have the freedom to combat it that you do today. Remember to be grateful that you set an example for your children and try to stop beating yourself up every time they visit their other parent. Your kids visit your abuser because the court says they have to do so, not because you want it that way.

Forgive yourself for being unable to protect them 100% from their abusive parent. You can’t protect them all of the time anyway. Children must learn hard lessons about all kinds of things on their own. They will be grateful that you were there for them, their safe place, if the other parent abuses them. They’ll see the difference in the two of you in time. Let that awareness be as natural for them as possible (meaning don’t habitually point out the other parent’s flaws even if they talk badly about you).

Protect Yourself

You are no good to your children if you allow yourself to be abused by your ex.

  • If you stay on the phone while your ex admonishes you for your poor parenting skills so you can eventually talk to them about the kids, you’re allowing the abuse to continue. Hang up the phone at the first insult and send an email instead. Write only about the children.
  • Don’t allow your ex to enter your house without knocking and respect their home in the same way.
  • Keep your personal boundaries strong. Let your children see that your ex can’t get to you (at least not for long). They need to see you as separate from your ex; they need to know they have two homes, two parents, two different families to love. (They do love their other parent, always will – let them, and be there without “I told you so” if your ex lets them down.)

Your way of parenting will not affect your ex’s ideas about parenting. Don’t let their way of parenting affect yours. The idea is to work with your ex when it is reasonable to do so, but remember that you have separate homes and separate lives. You get to set the rules at your house.

  • Don’t let them talk you into spanking when you prefer time-outs, not even “for consistency between households”.
  • If your ex grounds your daughter from her cell phone (for good reasons) but you feel more comfortable if she has it on her at school, then take it from her as soon as she gets home.
  • Drop any expectation that your ex will enforce a punishment you set for your child while the child visits them.

Realize that your children will play you against your ex sometimes. Your kids are smart; they know both of their parent’s well. Our kids do not label us “bad” and “good” people. We’re “mom” and “dad”. If you think you’re being played and that your child is doing something dangerous, email your ex to tell them about it.

  • You may get no response or your ex could degrade you for your thoughts, but keep in mind that, most likely, your ex wants your children alive and well too (If they don’t, you probably have proof of that and already took it to the authorities).
  • If you receive a nasty reply, read it (I know you will), then archive it. I add my ex’s emails to a folder labeled “Jerk” – it feels really good to hit the button sending it to that folder! I save them just in case I need proof of something in the future. I don’t reread them, and I don’t give them a second thought. I did what I needed to do when I informed him about our child.

Remember that you cannot see the future. Your gut instincts and intuition do not determine destiny. Your fears may never come true. Trust that if they do, you will have the presence of mind to do the right thing at the right time for the right reasons.

Do the best you can today. Take a deep breath, hug and kiss your kids, and talk to them. Parent the best way you know how, keep educating yourself so you can teach your kids how to live free of abuse, and keep your ex abuser’s voice out of your decisions.

Keep your focus on your relationship with your child. How your ex fixes or screws up their relationship with your child is beyond your control.

You can do this. It isn’t easy, but you can do it.

You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

Author: kholly

Kellie Jo Holly advocates for domestic violence and abuse awareness through her writing. You can find Kellie Jo on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

125 thoughts on “Co-Parenting With An Abuser”

  1. Yeah but here I am figuring it when he’s taken off with my kids three years ago. And steady using the system to abuse me. Having legal help and I do not. Using my bipolar daughter as a tool and not caring about the.digression hed put on her.teaching my son the art and I can’t do shit. Not wanting to be the weak statistic Because my kids don’t deserve to be stranded.and he doesnt deserve the satisfaction.

  2. It was the hardest day of my life, when I had to leave my family. The love and wishes I had to remain living with my children was overpowered by my ex’s bullying to me. Had I have stayed, my health would have detiorated significantly. years of her telling me that I was mentally unwell took their toll. Now that I am free from the daily pain which was externalised towards me, I am stronger and healthier, and the role model that I wish my children to see, no the shattered, cowering heap that I was.
    Sadly, having escaped from such a situation, it has been an uphill battle in the courts for the children to see me. Hopefully some year, in the future the lawmakers will be able to recognise that men get abused too.

  3. This is terrible advice. Bail on the children to protect yourself? This goes against all nurturing tendencies of a parent. Better off to stay in the relationship–this is the only way to fully protect the child. Get a counselor and support team who can support you on your very difficult life journey. Document everything so that if worse comes to worse, you have evidence to present to the courts.

    1. Staying in the relationship would only teach your children that it’s ok to allow yourself to be treated that way. You are your child’s role model, and if they see you being regularly abused, then they will go into relationships of the same type. There is no easy decision, but you can be the guidance to help teach them self-awareness. Staying in an abusive relationship if far more detrimental to a child’s well-being in the long run. I left my ex when I was a few months pregnant, and I am so happy that I did. It’s still a fight, but I stand my ground with what is right, and won’t allow him to take our son if he is unable to control his emotions. Both choices are difficult, but with leaving an abusive partner you are teaching your child how to protect themselves.

    2. I agree. I stayed with mine for 11 horrific years after I realized he was a sex addict and a narcissist. How can you protect your kids if you leave them alone with somebody like that? Run away and leave the innocent kids alone with a monster?

      1. I to are experiencing this nightmare at present. 12 years and two small children to a complete psychopath. Sexual violence, alcoholic, drugs and financial abuse and emotiinal abuse….complete monster. I finally got away, but the justice system is so flawed. It allows the abuse to continue because they are more interested in helping the abuser who tells all sorts of lies as that’s what they do, and in the mean time abusers the good parent even more. It just destorys the decent parent in the process. My ex admitted and my children gave evidence to his abuse, but didn’t matter as now he is sitting in a ridiculously better finanial position than I am using and abusing me to get there, never being present in the children’s lives before, has decide quote ” now that my children are getting older, I think it’s time I got involved as they won’t wanna know me soon”, and the system thinks that’s ok? I’ve raised my children done everything for them as he constantly traveled with his career never home and now I have to share custody with this monster. I can’t protect my children and it has destory me! So the way I look at it the system has made it worse for the children as now they have one patent who abusers and another parent destory emotional. And we wonder why society is getting worse…suicide rates and domestic violence at horrifying high rates. Doesn’t take a clever mind to work that one out!

        1. I completely agree with you Sarah. I am a mental health therapist and I work with these situations constantly. I am supposed to provide Trauma focused care to the children as they are being with their abuser every other week. They scream and cry. Mother has shown evidence to police, to no avail. To the Judge, to no avail. To Department of Children and Families, to no avail. It is truly heart breaking for the mom and myself.

  4. Here is where I struggle: I know my husband is an abusive and mentally ill man. So how do I leave him and then leave my small children to fend for themselves? He has endless resources and much like a sociopath, can mamake himself seem like a very likeable and “fit” parent and human being, as needed. I am so afraid for my children to have to deal with what my stepchild had to deal with. Also, when I threaten to leave him, he says he’s going to call CPS on me (with lies). I just see the road being so difficult for both me and my kids so I just keep sticking it out. But I also feel myself falling into depression, anger and despair. Has anyone ever been in this situation? I keep hoping his mental
    Illness will lead to proof that he is unfit…probably a long shot.

    1. I wish I had better news but this article seems trite. Courts ordered me to go be abused by myself with my father when my parents split. I fear they would do the same to my child. I bend over backwards to pacify my ex to remain in a limbo where his Aspergers abuse dictates our lives, just so I can keep his time with my child supervised because I don’t trust the courts to do what’s in my child’s best interest. They’d be more concerned about the abuser’s rights than the child’s.

    2. I was married for 19 years to an abuser. I finally left when my children were old enough to decide if they want to be around him. I’m so glad I stayed to protect them but glad I am out now. My children were 18, 16 & 14. They want very little to do with him and we are all in counseling. When I was married I made it all about the kids and I. I avoided my husband as much as possible. Yes it is a sad way to live but I was protecting my kids. When we divorced it was almost like nothing changed…it is still the kids and I. They don’t miss him at all, and see him less and less.

      1. THis is a similar story to mine. I had planned to stay until both my children left school but In the end my ex became physically abusive towards me whilst the kids were in the house and I lnew I had to leave straight away. They were 12 and 14. He hardly sees them now which tbh suits me fine. He is a selfishan man always was and like in your comment it was always just the three of us anyway – he did nothing for them., still doesnt. I do not agree that children should be made to see a father that has not been there for them and shows them little concern. It should be their decisiion. So many fathers who would LOVE to have a relationship with their children. But these people never cherish the things they should. My main worry about leaving him earlier was how easy it would have been for him to poison their tiny minds against me when they were younger (he even tried that on my parents!) or that whilst in his careI would not be there to protect them. It is like being caught between the devil & the deep blue sea. Glad to be finally rid.

    3. I too was in this exact situation you have described. I left my abusive jealous husband with the support of a few friends.
      Before we actually divorced, when we only talked about it, he said he would take my children, house and money away. He didn’t work. He told me the courts would award him alimony because he earned nothing. Where I had the good hospital job. He said the kids would give him both our kids because he told me he would tell them I was bipolar and an unfit mother who was mental. He said maybe I could see my kids 3 years later. During one of our fights he told my son he didn’t love him and accidentally hit my daughters head on the hallway wall as he told her he loved her more than I did. I knew I had to leave. This wasn’t our first fight. He once even threw both me and my daughter down onto my bed and threw a closet hanger at me all while my kids cried for him stop.
      I live in CA. This is a 50/50 state during divorce. 50 goes to him and the other to you. After years of this not changing I realized my actions needed to change. Obviously my technique of trying to fix the situation wasn’t working.
      Taking advice from friends I started calling the police. I documented his abuse to me and the times when he took my kids and left me crying alone at home. Not knowing where he had taken them. I also started emailing him about what happened hoping that he would admit to things. He did. I keep these email confessions from him just incase it happens again.
      When I met my paralegal she told me that all he had done to me prior wouldn’t help during the divorce. Nothing really matters until after I filed. So I filed. More abuse happened so I called the cops and documented those situations too. Six months after I filed I was awarded the house and the kids 50/50. I asked for no hold support and no alimony from either of us to the other. I didn’t want the exchange of money to be more reason to upset either of us. He was thankful I asked for no child support. Though sometimes I wished I asked for it. He still tries to control me. He says he can’t coparent unless he gets me too. We constantly argue, usually not in front of the children, unless he puts his hands up my skirt and down my shirt. Even after divorce I have to deal with this. I wish I had more help. 15 years too long. And I’m in my early 30s.
      Emotionally scarred and feeling like I wasted so much time wondering what to do, I respond to your comment hoping that after reading mine you will take more action. People say people don’t change. My ex did. He changed every other day. Back and forth. Told my son he didn’t love him one day then the next he did. Told my children one day I was an unfit mother who didn’t love them. The next I was a wonderful mother. In the end it was obvious he never really changed.
      The only way courts would keep one parent away from the children I believe is if one poses danger to the children. What kind of evidence you would need in not entirely sure. But I recommend speaking to a professional and to not just wait and hope. What you collect may be all wrong or not good enough. After speaking t my paralegal and her lawyer husband I took their advice and just filed. They told me to document everything during the 6month CA divorce waiting period. I ended up not needing to provide it but I had it ready just incase. I may need it one day. He’s better now.
      He only says bad things to me.
      One more thing. Unless he has been diagnosed with a mental illness what you feel about his current mental condition doesn’t really help. Maybe situations of him being unfit and documented would help. But seek a professional to be sure. Don’t wait.

  5. So sorry all of you are dealing with this b.s. After my own years of every type of abuse as a wife and involving the kids, I can give some advice that has helped us all. 1- read everything you can on verbal/emotional abuse.2- read and understand narcassist, sociopath, psychopath, borderline, anti social behavior types. Particularly with narcassists, there is a PATTERN. It’s sick to realize that they are heartless, emotionless people devoid of any conscience and you only exist for THEIR EGO,……..but it will help you understand and overcome the confusion, which to me was endless. Narcassists can be dealt w/ through employing specific strategies. Learn them and practice them!! Your children, friends, family, etc. WILL thank you b/c they’re also living your hell many times. Patricia Evans books saved me. YouTube videos on Narcassism are extremely helpful. Don’t give up!! Your kids are worth it and so is your sanity!

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