Verbal Abuse Books: Educate Yourself on Domestic Violence
Verbal abuse books helped me discover that my marriage problems were rooted in verbal and emotional abuse. I felt relief because up until I read the library of verbal abuse books available, I thought that I was losing my mind. My abusive husband had almost convinced me that every problem in our marriage was my fault. He said I was inept and out of touch with reality.
The verbal abuse books taught me that my husband was wrong. But more importantly, the verbal abuse books taught me the vocabulary of abuse so I could finally describe what was happening to me.
Verbal Abuse Books Teach the Vocabulary of Abuse
One of the reasons victims of domestic violence and abuse take so long to leave their relationships is that no one teaches young people the vocabulary of abuse. I didn't know anything about brainwashing, gaslighting, verbal or emotional abuse. I knew I was in a bad relationship, but I didn't understand that my husband abused me.
He didn't hit me, so how could he abuse me? The word abuse never entered my mind.
Until I read books by Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft and others. These verbal abuse books gave me the words, the vocabulary, I needed to make sense of the nonsense in my marriage.
Victimhood and Those Helpful Verbal Abuse Books
Thank goodness for the verbal abuse books available to us today! They helped me to accept that he abused me, accept that I was a pawn on the power and control wheel, and then I felt sorry for myself. I let myself feel victimized for a little while.
I think it is important to acknowledge when you have been a victim of abuse so you have something to recover from. I needed to feel disappointed, betrayed, and hurt; I needed to put total responsibility for my misery on his shoulders long enough to get a grip on my new reality.
During that time, I took out the trash, mentally and emotionally, by blaming him for everything. As a result, I felt some relief from the oppression of abuse, and started to think clearly again. The verbal abuse books were there for me again with new information - or information that now made sense. I began taking my bad behaviors and responsibilities for staying in the cycle of abuse away from him. But I took only what was mine. His responsibilities were his to carry.
The following verbal abuse books helped me during my recovery from domestic abuse, both during my marriage and after. I think reading them will help you become
- emotionally stronger,
- better educated,
and give you enhanced the confidence to walk away if you decide to do that.
Recommended Verbal Abuse Books
Technically some of these verbal abuse books look like they cover other types of abuses. However, verbal abuse is the foundation of emotional, mental and physical violence. All of these books have something to say about verbal abuse.
|Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out|
|The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go|
|The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond|
|Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You|
|Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life|
|Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can - and Should - be Saved|
|Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men|
|Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists|
|The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence|
|How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons|
|The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life|
|The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing|
|Survivor Personality: Why Some People Are Stronger, Smarter, and More Skillful at Handling Life's Difficulties...and How You Can Be, Too|
|The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life|
|The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself|
|The Sociopath Next Door|
What verbal abuse books do you use to help you? Please comment below.
Jo, K. (2012, July 30). Verbal Abuse Books: Educate Yourself on Domestic Violence, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, March 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/07/combat-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I just left my emotionally abusive 6 year marriage this past September.My ex did the "Gaslighting" thing. I had heard about gasslighting before so I recognized that this is what he was doing. This is serious manipulation. He did the whole ignoring, silent treatment thing on me too. Cursed a lot. It seemed he was always angry and felt everyone was out to get him. I am realizing I need some counseling. I have been attending CODA meetings. But I know I need more help.
I have all the Patricia Evans books and they're great, but "why does he do that" goes more in depth into an abusers mind. It really seems like Mr. Bancroft was describing my husband to a tee.
Thank you Kellie, I'm having a look through the comments for that book NOW - closest thing to word of mouth / neighbourly chatting, I find, not the number of positives but the content of what people actually like/dislike in a book. And I love your visualisation idea, I do use visualisation a lot and this will be a good one for me... Hadn't realised that I have been assuming I'll need months or a year to feel the ouch before being emotionally on my feet again, I have been taking it for granted that you can't just hit the ground running. But I have already come so far on that learning path - that's a benefit of letting the marriage go on long after I knew it was over (only because my health didn't allow me to take action, once I knew I had to).
I'm already finding myself reacting more spontaneously just since the breakup has been publicly known... not always comfortable(!) but always healthy!
I do like your real-person manner here. Just looking at your About page, i see what I'm trying to explain about myself: the 'struggle to separate my own identity from the person I came to be while living in the battleground'. I look forward to re-finding the person I am / would be without this influence... hoping it doesn't take too long, but that's where the visualisation comes in. I suspect the process speeds up enormously once I get him out of my hair. We have teenage sons so won't be separate, but I am so looking forward to having different addresses, having my evenings to myself.
No book specifically for the straight-afterwards phase then? Thinking about it, I suppose everyone's at a different place during that phase, so the 'categories' have to be about what stage of healing we're at rather than what real-world stage. Your thoughts have helped me clarify mine, thank you. :)
Similar to the first person's question, but I am at a different stage. I'm in the process of divorce now (after more than half my life in this marriage) and beginning to wonder whether I will crumble when I'm finally alone to feel my feelings fully - so far we still live under the same roof (he claims to be trapped here with me, there 'isn't enough money' for him to rent somewhere - though he earns twice the national average). Any one book that you'd suggest for the emotional rebuild?
Many thanx by the way, so glad I happened upon your website.
m, the first thing I suggest is to get a list of feeling words and re-connect with the "names" for our multi-faceted emotional selves. You can view/download a printable copy of some feeling words here: http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/feeling-words.pdf Oftentimes, abuse victims feel "confused". The confusion often occurs because we don't know what we're feeling. BUT, if you can name it, you can handle it.
I haven't read this book, but from the online preview at amazon.com it looks like it may be right for you (and me - I'm gonna put it on my wishlist!). Check out "The Language of Emotion" by Karla McLaren at http://www.amazon.com/dp/1591797691/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
Patricia Evans wrote "Victory Over Verbal Abuse." I have this book but haven't read it because it didn't strike me right for some reason. I keep planning to get back to it. Nevertheless, Ms. Evans is my heroine - she helped me identify abuse in my marriage and without her books I'd still be stuck there. Find it on amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Victory-Over-Verbal-Abuse-Reclaiming/dp/1440525803/ref=tmm_pap_titl…
Also, my personal suggestion, VISUALIZATION. You're afraid that you're going to "crumble" when you feel your emotions fully. Picture yourself crumbled on the floor. Imagine the emotion that put you there (briefly - just long enough to give it a name). Imagine that there is a light, love color (whatever that color is to you), enveloping your crumbled body. Allow it to put you back on your feet. See yourself stand straight and tall. Say to yourself, "Now I feel whole." Keep that love color around you for as long as it takes to feel whole. Remind yourself that although all emotion cannot be pleasant, it will always pass. You feel it, understand it, express it safely, and let it go. Always, always, you feel whole.
You can start practicing visualization and perhaps yoga (or Pilates, belly-dancing, etc.) to connect your strong body to your mind and emotions NOW, so it will be easier to regroup later.
Rebuilding your emotions is something you can begin now - it will help you deal with "him" too.
I have had many tell me that my new book "The Suitcase of Secrets" has given them permission to open their suitcase and talk about physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. That is exactly what I mean for the book to do!!
Many thanks :)
A wife who is abused - You're trying to decide what to do, so I recommend "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A Woman's Guide to Stay or Go" by Patricia Evans. The book does a great job of explaining verbal abuse and the reactions we have to it. PLUS it actually suggests a plan for you to present to your husband to SEE if he's willing to change or not.
Thanks so much Kelly! I was actually thinking of buying a book on this, I wish to decide on my marriage -- to end it or continue it. Any one book you can recommend to me please?