Why We Victims Say and Do Things That Cause Abuse
Victims of abuse sometimes say and do things to cause abuse. The abuse isn't our fault -- abuse is always the abuser's fault. But since that's the world we victims live in, sometimes we say and do things to cause the abuse, to purposefully cause our abuser to abuse. And yes, victims of abuse often feel they have this sort of control over the abuser. We come by that feeling honestly. After all, we've spent much time studying our abuser's every move and manner of speech, and we can practically predict when abuse will happen. Victims say and do things to cause abuse because we're going to be abused sooner or later, but timing the honeymoon period to specific events just makes life easier.
We victims try to control when and where we're abused, how we react when we're abused (meek vs. defiant reactions result in different outcomes - sometimes), and for what reasons we're abused. Ironically, our "control" over the abuser does not extend to making them be nice people. Our control is limited to causing them to abuse us on our terms, not ever to love us. The cycle of violence can be manipulated in but one direction. You can hasten abuse, but you can't stop it.
We Cause Abuse By Pushing the Abuser's Buttons on Purpose
Some of us victims actually push the abuser's buttons when the cycle of abuse isn't moving fast enough. For example, perhaps you want your spouse to behave at next week's family reunion. Maybe you want him sober or maybe you just want her to be nice to you in front of your family. For whatever reason, you need the honeymoon period to fall at a certain time.
But there's one problem. Your abuser is not at the point of blowing up yet, which means the tension between the two of you will be cotton ball thick by the time the reunion rolls around. That tension is going to ruin the impression you want to give your family. You want them to think everything is great in your marriage - it feels shameful to admit the abuse that goes on at home.
So you begin doing and saying things that you know will bother your spouse. Maybe you cook the wrong foods or go out with colleagues after work. Then you watch for the abuser's reaction and respond to him or her in a way that hastens the upcoming explosion.
You probably want to drop some reminders about the reunion during this process. You wouldn't want to attend the function with a shiner. Most likely your abuser will work with you on this. Abusers don't like to leave marks where anyone can see them if they can help it.
Have You Ever Caused Abuse to Happen to You on Purpose?
Have you ever purposely behaved this way? Looking back, does hindsight tell you that you brought onto yourself some sort of abuse for a reason? If so, don't admit this to your abuser (they'll use it against you for sure)! But if you recognize yourself in the situation above in any small way, it's time to admit that you attempt to control when the abuse happens, if only to yourself.
I will never judge you for admitting to it. I understand that when we're abused, crushed, and weakened, any hint of personal power feels better than complete subjugation. Abuse causes us to do things against our character. Forgive yourself. I did.
Three Reactions to Verbal Abuse That Encourages Abuse
Suzette Haden Elgin, author of You Can’t Say That to Me and master of "the gentle art of verbal self-defense" says there are three natural reactions to verbal assaults, and none of them work. You may naturally
- plead for the abuse to stop (encourages the abuser to give more of the same because it's working),
- try to logically debate with the abuser (despite the appearance of logic, the abuser argues on emotion or personal belief presented as logic),
- or be abusive in return (i.e. poking the beast).
Ms. Elgin says that the reason these three responses to verbal abuse do not work is because the abuser gets what s/he's after: your attention. I think the abuser wants more than that. I think the abuser wants to win.
Your abusive spouse "wins" when they leave you in emotional turmoil, decimated and wondering "What just happened?" and "How did I miss the signs for that?!" They've won because you are weakened, enabling them to feel strong. As others have said, they seek power over you so you are easier to control.
Verbal Self-Defense In Abusive Relationships
I admire Ms. Elgin's conception of our natural but ineffective reactions to verbal abuse. However, verbally abusive partners are not the pansy-at-heart type of abuser who merely acts out through verbal abuse and can be tamed by receiving positive attention. By the time someone is old enough to be anyone's partner, what may have begun as attention-seeking behavior has evolved into outright controlling behavior.
People who are old enough to have a partner cannot be "loved" into good behavior.
So, the goal of verbal self-defense with an abusive partner becomes one of self-empowerment, not change in the abusive partner's behavior.
Empower Yourself Instead of Trying to Cause Abuse
Try these tips to empower yourself:
- Decide what methods of defense make you feel most powerful.
- Practice using those methods of defense in your mind first. Run through a typical argument with your abuser in your imagination and see yourself reacting in your most powerful way.
- Use your methods the next time you pick up on a sign that your abuser is about to start some crap. Let's use our hard-won knowledge for good instead of evil!
- Adjust your method if it doesn't work as you envisioned. It is okay to fail at this before you find your sweet spot, but you won't succeed if you give up.
If this sounds a lot like setting personal boundaries, then you've been paying attention. You must protect yourself, no one else can do it for you. Click to read "Self Reliance – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 4)" next.
I value your insights, so please leave your comments!
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Holly, K. (2012, June 8). Why We Victims Say and Do Things That Cause Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, July 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/06/things-victims-say-and-do-to-cause-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
Moderator: this comment was edited for abusive language
I have wondered if I'm bringing this on myself, because when I've tried to get him to go with me to counseling or even talk to me, he'll yell "So it's all me, I need to change? Why don't you admit that you have problems." When I calmly (and in my opinion logically) reply that I know I have can be guarded and I'm trying to be less "filtered" with him and say what I think, and dress and look more like he wants me to (both recent specific request of his) he says, well yeah, those aren’t your only faults. I ask him what he thinks I need to work on (the pleading), and he’ll hedge. So I’ll push, then I’ll end up getting angry and say that I want a take-away so I know what I can do to help make this better. I caught myself just last night saying that I need to find a way to help him to see where I’m coming from. That was when I realized that only you are responsible for your own happiness, and that you can change, and change and bend until you’re ready to break, but if there’s no bending on the other side it won’t work.
I finally got him to go with me to marriage counseling after his porn addiction reared its head again (a problem he had before and throughout our 11 year marriage, despite my efforts to have sex at least 2 times a week to keep his needs satisfied), but I’m not sure if it will really help. At least I can say I tried everything to make this work. I really don’t want to divorce him, it would be hard on the kids and he’d probably end up telling them I was going to go to hell because of it. BUT, we have a 5 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. He yells at her, spanks her and calls her a brat if she doesn't listen to him, and tells our son he needs to stop acting like a baby if he cries because his sister took something. I don't know how to get through to him to see that he is hurting all of us. And honestly, I am scared to leave. I just can't think about what would happen. I know that financially, I'd be ok because I've always made way more than him, but I worry about how the kids would handle it and what he'd be like with them without me there to buffer.
Taya, you know darn well that your partner has and will continue to explode whether or not you poke at him. If you do it or if you don't, he is going to abuse you. HE is going to abuse you. HE is responsible for the abuse.
If you anger a vicious snake on purpose, it will strike at you. If you frighten a vicious snake by accident, it will strike at you. The snake is just doing what a snake does, and an abuser is going to do what an abuser does. You can no better control the nature of a vicious snake than you can the character of your abuser.
You cannot take responsibility for your abusers actions. You aren't powerful enough to control another person. Your abuser isn't powerful enough to do that either (otherwise you wouldn't have read or had access to this post). The reason he abuses is because you are showing signs of being YOU. He wants to scare the YOU out of you because the more you are like him, the more secure he will feel. Unless you stop being YOU, he will continue to abuse.
I really don't know what else to say.