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The Truth About Dissociative Identity Disorder and Me

November 7, 2019 Becca Hargis

Trigger warning for mention of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and eating disorders.

There are truths about dissociative identity disorder (DID) and me that I want you to know. I have held back sharing them with you, not because I am ashamed, but because I did not want to dishearten or discourage you about your own journey to wellbeing. Since I began writing for HealthyPlace, I've shared my stories of strength, courage, and hope as someone living with dissociative identity disorder. However, I must admit there is one story, one truth, I have not shared.

The Truth About Me and DID

The truth is this: I am not what I always seem to be. Some days there is a sadness that has settled into my heart. My depression has returned and has been resistant to treatment. I am so numb I cannot cry. I frequently find it difficult to get out of bed. I've relapsed from my eating disorder and been in residential treatment twice this past year. I've had suicidal thoughts and ideations recently, and I've self-harmed multiple times.

Tasks such as doing laundry, grocery shopping, and even taking care of personal hygiene are sometimes too overwhelming for me to tackle. I frequently isolate myself and stay home so no one will see me. My favorite streaming tv show is frequently on repeat, and sleep has not been a regular visitor if she even comes at all. Anxiety ignites me like a current of electricity, needling its way through my veins, setting me afire with fear. Worst of all, I don't know when this will end.

Why I Hide the Truth About Dissociative Identity Disorder and Me

I try to hide these dark times from you, dear readers. I know many of you look to the Dissociative Living blog for answers, wisdom, comfort, and connection, and I don't want my personal struggles to disrupt the experience of finding help amongst these pages and amongst other readers.

I try to hold myself up to a higher standard than I can actually reach because I want you to know you are not alone and that there is hope. I try to be a beacon of light of everyone because I know the despair and loneliness that DID can bring.

Recently I have had the pleasure of interacting with people on Facebook, Twitter, and my personal website who find me from the Dissociative Living blog. I make myself available to anyone who needs it because I want you to know you are not alone. As much as I try to help others, I would be dishonest if I didn't admit I struggle, too.

Why My Experience Is Still Relevant 

You see, all humans struggle. It's the human condition, and I am not exempt. I do not feel I have to be "cured" of DID, if it was even possible, in order to offer my best to help people. 

I want you to know that the experiences and positive feelings I share in my journey are still valid and worthy of knowing, despite having moments when I'm not altogether.

I want you to learn from my story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want you to understand that there is still reason to hope, even if something new comes along that causes you to struggle with DID more often than not. I want you to know it is normal. 

It is what we do in the face of adversity that determines our character and our trajectory.

The Biggest Truth of All About Me and DID

And here is the biggest truth of all that you need to know: Setbacks prepare us for the comeback. So while I may be struggling, I know better times are ahead. So, we need to keep working. We need to keep fighting. It's okay for us to struggle; it's not okay for us to give up.

Why I Still Feel Hopeful

Learn about why I still feel hopeful about DID and me even after this setback.

APA Reference
Hargis, B. (2019, November 7). The Truth About Dissociative Identity Disorder and Me, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, December 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2019/11/the-truth-about-dissociative-identity-disorder-and-me



Author: Becca Hargis

Becca is a mental health advocate who is passionate about ending the stigma against mental illness. She is currently writing a book on her experiences with dissociative identity disorder. You can connect with her on her personal blog, TwitterFacebook and on Instagram.

Cristian
November, 12 2020 at 1:54 am

Well I wish I could jus be one person at times but the truth is I can barely function without being triggered! I was diagnosed when I was 15 years old an now I 36! I have dissociated for even periods of years and these other alters which I could barely accept exsist are who the world sees as Cris! Most of the time I feel lost! Don’t know wat day it is! How I even Got to most places and see so many people that know me but yet I don’t know them or calling me by my alters names one of which happens to be a female and second most Dominant! At times we can communicate when I can think straight an I’m not en a dilutional state of schizophrenia! At times I can’t even tell which is the real
World and which is the reality of my mind space! This destroyed my past marriage besides the fact she was a narcissist and when I finally was starting to stabilize God blessed mi with my first Love my high school sweet heart who thank God is very understanding but also has BPD so we constantly trigger eachother and yet we love eachother so much! But da sad truth is with all these parts as others call dem talking an taking control an my memory having constant gaps! I feel so alone! Most people don’t understand an just tolerate mi or try to use mi an den when I no longer serve a purpose use my illness to alienate mi an not even my mother brother or sisters will let mi be around my nieces and nefew because Dey want to hide my illness especially when Linda comes out dressed as herself and I have no idea wat Dey do wen da alters are out! An most people can’t see past the shell! So as lost an stuck as I feel now it made mi feel so happy to discover this blog and know I am not alone! I feel so lost! Most of da tyme I don’t even know who I am or where I really am or at times I don’t even feel real! And it terrifies me to Know that Shadow is the Strongest and most dangerous and violent part of us! I live in fear that I will again wake up in a mental ward facing homicide charges again! 2010 I was going to buy beer! I get robbed an in the blink of an eye it’s 4 months later and I was fighting a psychotic episode!18
Months in a facility simply because of an alter! An yet I remember nothing from that unfortunate night! I live In fear of loosing myself an my life! An the one an only person who truly cares my beautiful girl triggers mi so much without trying that wi are at internal chaos! Because of her BPD I can’t rely on her for emotional support because she shifts an dat triggers me! I am at the point of going to a crisis center! Dis is no way any person deserves to live!

Simon
March, 9 2020 at 8:17 am

Apologies if there is a more appropriate forum for this.
I was diagnosed with DID a couple of years ago and I (we?) took a conscious decision to remove myself from therapy. Has anyone else decided to embrace/enhance their DID? Actively using their alters to their own advantage?
I’d say that 80% of my alters are angry in one form or another and I found that harnessing the anger creates a positive focussed force (positive insomuch as anger is active, not passive; I’m making no moral judgement here).

Bryan
September, 18 2020 at 7:33 pm

I have removed myself from therapy too.. I let my alters take over more than I'd like to say. We didn't want to be cured.

Bronnie
January, 5 2020 at 8:42 pm

thanks for being so real. I have had some better times this year, but have currently fallen over again. Lack of sleep, nightmare, self sabotage, basically lack of self care, love and acceptance! But I really appreciate what you have shared by saying ‘setbacks prepare us for the comebacks’! I’ll keep this in mind as I navigate this current setback I am going through once again! 🙏

January, 6 2020 at 11:30 am

Hi Bronnie,
Thank you for the comment and your positive feedback. I am thrilled to hear that you resonate with the idea of setbacks as preparation for comebacks.
Mary-Elizabeth Schurrer
Blog Moderator

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