Anti-social behavior

Been reading a book called "undoing depression". the author is different because he found his mother dead at age 15 and spent the rest of his life becoming a doctor and trying to understand this deadly disease of depression. I noticed i am anti-social and then the opposite, i ca turn it off like a light switch although id rather leave it off if you know what i mean. i dont feel anyone out here in my owrk space understand shit about poverty, depression, murder of a mother, extreme alcoholism on and on. I find I cant talk "small talk" i dont have time for that, who gives a shit what color your car should be if you grew up without one. im angry depressed, back and forth. Im trapped in ajob i dont like, surrounded by people i feel are alien to me. I reach out on occasion but only the seldom " hey hows it going" is about all i can muster. This first blog will be all over the place but who cares. i love nature, grew up with nature, believe nature can help heal you but alas i live in suburbia. why? for my wife. but all of that will change hopefully next year when we move to the country. I read constantly, looking for answers to depression, anxiety ptsd. This blog is just self-loathing at its best and venting my frustration of why things have to be this way. right now im supposed to be working. my family depends on me. but ive been holding people up my whole damn life. My mother never worked, father did his art but the welfare check is what put food on the table. I worry. constantly worry about my kids and my state of mind. i want to escape to the woods i know so well like walden and get it all out, just flush the whole god damn poison out of my system into the atmosphere to be recycled into a gentle rain. but i cant. I cant abandon my kids. my family. what to do what to do. maybeI'll get religion like all my aunts ? im just kidding. I cant do that either, religion doesnt like people asking questions and I got all kinds of questions. Im a free thinker. I have dabbled in unity church however but its been very new agey holding hands and singing songs, blah! i did do it though, there just wasnt anything else to support me i found. I think Ive been depressed since I was a small child. i witnessed domestic violence and saw a guy put a gun up to another mans mouth at 6 years old. what does that do to a child? Its kind of ironic i titled this blog "anti-social behaviour" yet here I am reaching out to be social with the strangers out there in the world. Im like 2 steps away from becoming a homeless person, i swear. and i make good money. but something inside me is dying and has been for a long time. they say depression isnt a feeling of sadness, its a "lack of feeling" at all. i know i can feel because i cry at the end of the movie color purple every damn time. Im a romantic at heart and want my goddamn childhood back dammit! but alas im juvenile in my attempts at changing the past. Well i better go for now, i got a lunch date with pessimism and angst at 2, although I could cancel to make room for my daily hour of staring at the ceiling contemplating my demise by slowly going mad (as the grinch said ...im paraphrasing of course). or maybe ill just sit here and stare at my computer screen hypnotized, glassy eyed while the wind outside blows beautiful colorful leaves I should be picking up and making a collage with. Im not anti-social, really Im not, its just nobody speaks my goddamn language