Words...

I feel like I'm in a stand still. I don't know where to even begin. It seems pathetic and useless to me, but I need to do something... I can't just sit here anymore or I'll burst into tears. I hate to complain. I hate to feel this way- I can't get anything done. I'm too afraid of everything. Everything scares me. The phone rings- I can't pick it up. I can't face the person. My chest tightens, my palms sweat, I panic. I feel that way a lot- like I have no control. I can't focus enough to sit down and write a poem, write a story, write a list of what I need to do. I'm too afraid to face it all. And then it all bubbles over like right now and instead of fixing my problems, I complain about them. Sometimes, I feel okay. I regain my focus and get things done- if only for a moment. For example, today- I called back a friend who had called me a little over a week ago. It took me that long to get the courage to call her- and I did it at a time when I knew I could go if I needed to run away. It's because I am embarrassed. I am ashamed of all the things I've failed to do and the things I've been forced to do. I lost control and everything shattered. Like a glass window- all the pieces are shattered and everywhere. I feel ashamed- no one wants to see a broken mirror. I have a hard time keeping it together. I cry for no reason and freak out for no reason... It's embarrassing. It's hard to get through just one day. I used to be better than this. I was going to be in grad school, I had a great GPA, I had a job, and was going to be the President of a music fraternity. And then what happened? I failed... I crashed. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess... But the hardest thing is that now that I'm at the bottom... I've hit a plateau and am continuing on this plateau. Most of the time I feel like I've lost my mind. I can't remember half the things people say or half the things I used to be able to do... It's like I hit my head and got amnesia even though I know I didn't. I just... lost it. I am trying to keep it together- I write everything down and have to constantly remind myself of things.... I am trying to get into writing again... trying to do something worthwhile. I just don't know what I want to do yet... Gah. I need to sleep or else this pity train won't stop. I feel like I'm close to panicing so maybe I'll drink some tea and do some kind of relaxation exercise...