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Words...

I feel like I'm in a stand still. I don't know where to even begin. It seems pathetic and useless to me, but I need to do something... I can't just sit here anymore or I'll burst into tears. I hate to complain. I hate to feel this way- I can't get anything done. I'm too afraid of everything. Everything scares me. The phone rings- I can't pick it up. I can't face the person. My chest tightens, my palms sweat, I panic. I feel that way a lot- like I have no control. I can't focus enough to sit down and write a poem, write a story, write a list of what I need to do. I'm too afraid to face it all. And then it all bubbles over like right now and instead of fixing my problems, I complain about them. Sometimes, I feel okay. I regain my focus and get things done- if only for a moment. For example, today- I called back a friend who had called me a little over a week ago. It took me that long to get the courage to call her- and I did it at a time when I knew I could go if I needed to run away. It's because I am embarrassed. I am ashamed of all the things I've failed to do and the things I've been forced to do. I lost control and everything shattered. Like a glass window- all the pieces are shattered and everywhere. I feel ashamed- no one wants to see a broken mirror. I have a hard time keeping it together. I cry for no reason and freak out for no reason... It's embarrassing. It's hard to get through just one day. I used to be better than this. I was going to be in grad school, I had a great GPA, I had a job, and was going to be the President of a music fraternity. And then what happened? I failed... I crashed. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess... But the hardest thing is that now that I'm at the bottom... I've hit a plateau and am continuing on this plateau. Most of the time I feel like I've lost my mind. I can't remember half the things people say or half the things I used to be able to do... It's like I hit my head and got amnesia even though I know I didn't. I just... lost it. I am trying to keep it together- I write everything down and have to constantly remind myself of things.... I am trying to get into writing again... trying to do something worthwhile. I just don't know what I want to do yet... Gah. I need to sleep or else this pity train won't stop. I feel like I'm close to panicing so maybe I'll drink some tea and do some kind of relaxation exercise...

APA Reference
(2010, September 13). Words..., HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/support-blogs/myblog/Words...

Last Updated: January 14, 2014

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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