Can sociopaths love? Can sociopaths fall in love? If you truly know and understand the sociopath, then you know these questions are almost laughable.

Sociopaths often act like they are in love. To the outside world, it looks like they love. Given that a definition of a sociopath is a person who lacks empathy and has antisocial personality disorder, apart from others and separate from the rules and norms of society, it's odd that someone like this can look like they're truly in love. Sociopaths are nothing if not confusing, partly because sociopathic traits and characteristics contradict each other at times. Upon closer examination, though, it makes perfect sense to ask, "Can a sociopath fall in love?"

Can Sociopaths Love?

If we manipulate the definition of love the way sociopaths manipulate people, then sure, sociopaths can love. To truly make this claim, though, we have to give love a definition that suits us in this moment. Don't worry, we can act like a sociopath and redefine it to our liking anytime we so desire.

When love is a tool to be used to trap and manipulate someone, sociopaths can love.

When love is said easily by the lips but not felt by the heart, sociopaths can love.

When love is a feeling of fascination or power rather than an emotion, sociopaths can love.

When love is a shallow lie told for personal gain rather than an expression of connection, sociopaths can love.

When love is synonymous with sex and sex is nothing other than momentary and meaningless physical pleasure, then sociopaths can love.

When love is a word rather than a feeling, sociopaths can love.

When love involves pretending, playing a role to gain something for yourself, then sociopaths can love.

To a sociopath, true love is a love of

• him/herself
• power
• playing and winning his/her version of the game of life.

A sociopath can put on a great show and act in loving ways. He can pretend to love and to care, and you have no idea that he's constantly assessing which of your buttons to push and when to push them. She can gush and express her love and devotion. But truly, can sociopaths love?

When love is a deep and complex emotion, a feeling of fondness, tenderness, bonding, and connection between human beings, no, a sociopath cannot love.

What is Loving a Sociopath Like?

The sociopath is a social predator who charms his way into people's lives. He slithers his way in because he has a greater purpose; he senses the opportunity for personal gain. Thus begins his game. To win trust and ensure naïveté, he begins a courtship. He pretends to love because he wants love in return. He cares nothing for the feelings of love but instead wants love as a manipulative tool.

The best way to receive love is to give love, and the sociopath sets out to give and receive. Loving a sociopath has been described as wonderful and exhilarating (Buttafuoco, 2009). Because a sociopath shapes her persona to match that of her prey of the moment, loving a sociopath can feel like finding a soulmate. She is a perfect fit in every way. (Look at these famous sociopaths.)

To be in love with a sociopath can be full of laughter and fun, so much so that ignoring the odd personality traits that pop up from time to time becomes second nature. Says Mary Jo Buttafuoco (2009), "...I stuck it out during the bad times, because the good times were fantastic."

Eventually, the honeymoon comes to an end. The sociopath gets whatever he was after in the first place, and then he rapidly becomes bored. Constantly needing thrills and stimulation, he drops the charade and moves on. This can happen suddenly, leaving the victim, who thought she/he was in love, shocked, hurt, and confused.

It is absolutely possible to be in love with a sociopath. Can a sociopath love back? Yes, but only by his own definition of love, a manipulative, uncaring, unemotional kind of love.

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Here are some signs your partner may be cheating on you. Plus what to do if you think your partner is having an affair.

Something feels different at home lately, although you aren't able to quite pinpoint what's up. You and your partner are suddenly like two ships passing in the night. There is a certain uncomfortable distance between the two of you and you don't know how to bridge the gap. When you suggest a romantic dinner at home and a quiet evening to reconnect, your other half makes an excuse about this, that or the other thing-a-ma-jig that takes precedence over your togetherness. Is it possible there is something rotten going on in paradise? Could your beloved be having an affair? It certainly is possible that something is amiss. It is also possible that stress is creating a wedge between the two of you. However, if your radar is careening off the walls, and you're sure this is more then just work-a-holism and hectic schedules, read on.

According to many of the men and women who call Ask Mars Venus Coaches, ignoring the problem only makes it worse. Surprisingly enough, listening to their intuition was an important factor in discovering whether or not their partner was having an affair. If you suspect hanky panky in the air, ask yourself if the following signs are present:

• Withdrawal from friends and family
• New hip clothes, haircut, accessories (a fancy new cell phone, palm pilot, car etc.)
• Shift in your sex life (either more or less -- some kind of definite change)
• Weight loss, additional exercise regime, and an intense new interest/obsession with their looks and appearance
• Going to work early and/or coming home late on a regular basis
• Not being available to communicate with you for extended periods of time that are out of the ordinary
• Increased criticism of you, your appearance, your home and other areas where you two are intimately connected
• Increased secretive behavior, i.e., showing anger or frustration if you use their computer, clean their laundry, drive their car, etc.
• Defensiveness when you ask about these things (A note of caution about defensiveness: A person's level of defensiveness is always a byproduct of how they are being communicated with. If you "accuse" someone of something, a defensive response is a normal reaction.)

Be careful as you consider each of these possible signs and how they may apply to your relationship. Individually, any one of these signs can simply be a normal part of everyday life. Your partner may simply be striving to improve his or her appearance, exploring new interests, or feeling anger or frustration with the relationship. It is the accumulation of these signals that may point to something more ominous happening in your world.

It's also important to keep in mind that the stress of modern life can cause anyone to change daily patterns and withdraw from the people who care about us the most. Your partner may feel as though they are doing you a favor by keeping their feelings to themselves and finding healthy ways to blow off some steam alone until they feel better.

But, what if your partner is having an affair? How should you deal with it, and how will you really know? Should you stay or go? How in the heck do you communicate your sensitive feelings without coming off sounding like judge, jury, and executioner?

If you're confused as to whether or not your suspicions are rooted in reality or just paranoid flights of fantasy, you might want to take a step back and consider your options. Start by determining what is truth and what is fiction. Because here are the real facts: Accusing your partner of something as ominous as being unfaithful will not earn you partner-of-the-year points. In fact, making unfounded accusations could be scarier than not knowing anything at all. As much as you are feeling hurt over the situation at hand, lashing out and saying hurtful things to your mate may actually turn a so-so situation into an awful one.

The truth is that the only real way to know is to ask. Open, honest communication about how you're feeling is the only way you can explore what might be happening in your relationship. If you feel your partner may be doing something you would not approve of, find a quiet time to openly share your feelings.

Dr. John Gray has helped millions of men and women develop better relationships with his New York Times bestseller Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (HarperCollins, 2004). For insight into dating and relationships today, visit Relationship Advice from MarsVenus.com.

Source: Thirdage News Service

Sociopathic parents exist and can cause great harm to their children through both emotional and physical abuse, even to the point of producing sociopathic children. In addition, co-parenting with a sociopath can be very troubling.

A sociopath is a man or a woman who cares only about him/herself (What Is A Sociopathic Person Like?). All the world is his stage, and all the people merely his puppets on a string. He is a social predator in all aspects of his life, including parenthood; he's a sociopathic parent.

Traits of Sociopathic Parents

At the most basic level, sociopathic parents aren't warm and fuzzy. Cold, distant, and unwelcoming, he provides neither comfort nor affection. James Fallon, a neurobiologist who studies the brains of sociopaths and happens to be one himself, is one of the rare sociopaths who has sustained a marriage over time and helped raise children. He describes his feelings toward his children as indifferent, "[d]ominated less by warmth than by entertainment and intellectual interest."

By sociopathic standards, Fallon is "loving parent of the year". Other sociopath parents aren't so kind and generous. The only true feeling sociopath parents have is anger, and they typically express it loudly and physically (Do Sociopaths Cry or Even Have Feelings?). Because the expressed anger is out of proportion to whatever induced it, children are left hurt, confused, and with a sense that the world is unpredictable, illogical, and unsafe. Antisocial parents teach their children that the world is chaotic and inconsistent.

Sociopathic parents have other hallmark parenting traits that amount to psychological abuse:

• Lack of attachment, bonding, love
• Dismissiveness (because kids are boring)
• Disregard for the child's welfare
• Harsh expectations and demands
• Neglect, often extreme
• Purposeful attempts to corrupt a child (exposure to pornography, encouraging delinquent behavior)

As if the sociopathic parent wasn't bad enough, this parent is often a spouse or a partner. Co-parenting with a sociopath can be a daily challenge. In all parenting partnerships, there exists an ongoing need to negotiate and compromise; unfortunately, the sociopath neither negotiates nor compromises. Ever. Co-parenting with a sociopath creates a strained relationship that adds yet another layer of difficulty to family life  (Co-Parenting With An Abuser: How to Help Your Kids, Yourself).

A Sociopath Mother!

The sociopath mother is no June Cleaver. She is much more like Game of Thrones' Cersei Lannister. Granted, she's excellent at emulating June Cleaver. Typical of a sociopath, this mom can morph into any persona that suits her in a given moment. When others are watching, she launches into Supermom. She dotes, she encourages, she loves, she attends. She provides the snacks at the end of the soccer game. Everyone loves SuperJune.

Then, when the game is over and the family is back home, Cersei returns. She doesn't need SuperJune because no one is around to entrap as future tools of manipulation.

Far from being a nurturing, loving attachment figure, the sociopath mother is a cold, abusive, frightening figure representing chaos and emotional distance. She ignores and she neglects. She controls and manipulates; to the sociopathic mother, her child isn't a person in his own right but a possession that exists to serve her. She uses insincere, shallow affection to manipulate. She hardly praises or encourages, but she lavishes the child with verbal abuse and punishment.

Society's norms mirror our biological wiring: mothers are designed to nurture and protect, so when they don't, the results are devastating to the child.

The Sociopathic Parent's Effect on Their Kids

Children are adversely affected by a sociopathic parent. The exact nature and impact of the ramifications of abuse vary from child to child and are dependent upon the severity of the sociopathy and the level of functioning of the parent, the nature of the child and her level of resiliency, and the degree and presence of other support systems. Still in one way or another, every child is impacted by having a sociopath parent. Much of the harm done to a child by a sociopathic parent is seen in behavior. The child might

• shrink in isolation or express problems through bullying and aggression
• become easily distracted
• be either overly emotional or flat
• have poor school performance.

The child's mental health is often affected as well. Approximately twenty-five percent of kids develop a mental illness such as childhood anxiety and depression (Woods, 2011). Sociopathic parents instill fear, shame, and a sense of worthlessness and self-blame in their children.

A sociopath parent is what a child fears: the monster under his bed and everywhere, and he can't turn to this parent for comfort.

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When one ... look[s] at the experiences of people with HIV/AIDS, two things stand out. The first is the diversity of people with HIV/AIDS. The second is how often and in how many ways people with HIV/AIDS are stigmatized or discriminated against. Sometimes it appears as if the various people with HIV/AIDS have only two things in common: HIV infection and HIV-related stigma and discrimination.
HIV/AIDS and Discrimination: A Discussion Paper

An Epidemic of Stigma and Discrimination

In many ways the stigma of HIV/AIDS has had an even wider reach and a greater effect than the virus itself. The stigma of HIV/AIDS affects the lives not only of people with HIV/AIDS, but also of their lovers, families, and caregivers. It affects not only those who are stigmatized, but also those who stigmatize them through their attitudes or their actions - in the community, on the job, in professional capacities, in public office, or in the media. Often, the stigma of HIV/AIDS adds new prejudices to old.

An Epidemic of Stigma and Discrimination

Since the beginning of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, there has been a second epidemic - one of stigma and discrimination. Today, stigma and discrimination associated with HIV/AIDS are still pervasive, but the forms they take and the context in which they are experienced have changed.

Consequences

This epidemic of stigma has consequences: people with HIV/AIDS have been prevented from seeking or obtaining the health care and social support they require; adults with HIV/AIDS have lost their jobs or have been denied employment, insurance, housing, and other services; children with HIV/AIDS have been denied day care.

Stigmatization has also been a barrier to prevention efforts: because of their beliefs and values, some people (and governments) have chosen to withhold information about preventing the transmission of HIV, and have supported laws and policies that make the victims of stigma more vulnerable to HIV infection.

The Current Situation

One Step Forward ...
The early societal panic about AIDS has diminished. The federal and several provincial human rights commissions have adopted policies that clearly state that disability or handicap provisions in existing human rights acts protect people with HIV against discrimination. More and more Canadians know someone who lives with HIV or has died of AIDS, prominent celebrities have announced that they are HIV-positive, and AIDS activists have won admiration in many quarters of society. These developments have somewhat lessened fears that the inevitable result of infection with HIV is complete social isolation.

... But Discrimination Remains Pervasive
Nevertheless, today stigma and discrimination associated with HIV/AIDS are still pervasive in Canada, although the forms they take and the context in which they are experienced have changed.

• The epidemic of HIV infection is expanding among diverse populations, many of whom live on the margins of Canadian society: injection drug users, prisoners, Aboriginal people, young gay men, women. While many aspects of HIV-related discrimination are the same for all populations, in some ways the experience and impact of discrimination are unique to specific populations. The most marginalized people living with HIV experience many forms of stigma and discrimination. They also have the least resources or support to enable them to fight back.
• With the advent of protease inhibitors and combination therapies, many - but not all - people with HIV/AIDS are living longer and enjoying better health. While these therapies have produced considerable benefits, the often-made presumption that people with HIV/AIDS can now lead "normal" lives is dangerous. For example, it has resulted in a tendency to become more restrictive in determining whether they qualify for disability benefits. The fact that people with HIV/AIDS are still vulnerable to stigma and discrimination is forgotten in these discussions. In many ways, the era of combination therapies has exposed people with HIV/AIDS to a greater threat of discrimination. As one person stated: "I was able to remain invisible living with HIV until two years ago. Now I have to carry my bag of medications around all the time - I am always visible. I carry my stigma around."
• The era of combination therapies is also raising new concerns about the ethics of informed choice in treatment decisions. There are reports that people with HIV/AIDS have been pressured by their physicians to begin treatment with the latest generation of HIV drugs and have been denied services if they refuse to begin treatment.
• There continue to be problems of access to care for marginalized populations. People with HIV/AIDS are often not provided with the support they need to assist them in maintaining the complicated combination therapy regimens.

Discrimination has become more subtle and less explicit. In the past, for example, people may have been fired outright when it was discovered they were HIV-positive. Today they may be laid off for "other reasons," or they may be harassed and pressured to the point that they quit their jobs or go on disability. Fear of being identified at work and of losing their job, in fact, prevents some people from taking HIV-related medications.

Antisocial personality disorder treatment is very challenging. In fact, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), antisocial personality disorder is one of the most difficult of personality disorders to treat successfully. People with antisocial personality disorder rarely seek or want treatment. They usually don’t admit to themselves or others that they have a condition that requires attention. Often, the only reason they start therapy is due to a court order.

Certain behavioral therapy techniques may have the potential to help deal with the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, such as those that reinforce appropriate behaviors and apply negative consequences to inappropriate ones. And, although no specific medications for the treatment of antisocial personality disorder exist, when other mental health disorders are present, the practitioner will often treat them by prescribing medication.

Antisocial Personality Disorder Therapy

Antisocial personality disorder therapy consists of various types of psychotherapy, talk therapy, and group therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) represents one approach that holds promise. CBT uses behavior modification techniques that may help individuals with antisocial personality disorder adjust their distorted thinking patterns and related negative behaviors.

People with this disorder usually haven't had any emotionally stable relationship experiences in their lives. A committed, compassionate therapist who establishes a strong trusting therapeutic relationship might be the first person with which the client has ever experienced a positive interpersonal engagement.

Once the therapist establishes a strong one-on-one relationship with the client, group or talk therapy may provide an opportunity for the individual to talk about his emotions (or lack of emotions) with others like him. Antisocial personalities have trouble connecting feelings or emotions with behaviors and consequences. Using group and talk therapy as a strategy in treatment for antisocial personality disorder can help the individual make this connection.

Sometimes practitioners may use medications to control certain symptoms during treatment for antisocial personality disorder, such as irritability. The individual may also have some co-occurring psychological conditions that require treatment. Doctors typically avoid prescribing medications that have potential for abuse, since this population frequently has problems with substance abuse. For instance, if a patient has ADHD along with an antisocial personality, the physician may prescribe non-stimulant medication to treat the ADHD.

Statistics show that people with the disorder have higher rates of imprisonment and violent death, regardless of whether or not they receive treatment. Even so, certain negative behaviors associated with antisocial personality disorder, such as criminal activity, may decrease slightly with age.

Antisocial Personality Disorder Prognosis

Antisocial personality disorder prognosis is poor; although, symptoms tend to peak during the 20s, and, as mentioned, sometimes improve during middle age.

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Antisocial personality disorder symptoms show up as a consistent and inflexible pattern of behaviors; behaviors that are often criminal in nature. The signs of antisocial personality disorder appear before age 15 and involve a flagrant disregard for the rights of others. These individuals (famous people with antisocial personality disorder) use exploitation, lying, and even charm to degrade and violate others.

Typical Antisocial Personality Disorder Symptoms

Antisocial personality disorder symptoms include a number of distorted thought patterns and attitudes that lead to the antisocial behaviors. Symptoms include:

• Repeated pattern of law breaking (stealing, vandalism, other)
• Habitual lying and deceitfulness
• Poor impulse control
• Disregard for personal safety and that of others
• Complete lack of remorse
• Lack of concern over consequences
• Cruelty to animals or people
• Bullying of others
• Irresponsible with finances, work, family
• Inability (or lack of desire to) change behavior based on past negative consequences

Other signs of antisocial personality disorder that may show up in an individual with the disorder include:

• Ability to behave in a charming, witty way
• Ability to flatter and manipulate emotions of others
• Issues with substance abuse (alcohol, drugs)
• Haughtiness or arrogance

While these symptoms of antisocial personality disorder appear in childhood, they typically continue to worsen over time.

Diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder

First, to receive a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder, the individual must be at least 18 years old and have had conduct disorder during childhood (before age 15). A psychiatrist, or other trained mental health professional, makes the diagnosis based on long-term symptoms and both physical and mental health histories.

No specific test exists that can accurately assess whether a person has the disorder. The practitioner will conduct a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation to determine severity of symptoms and learn whether any co-occurring conditions exist. Common co-occurring conditions include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

Once the physician makes a diagnosis, he or she can begin to develop a treatment strategy, especially tailored for the individual.

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People with antisocial personality disorder show a long-term, pervasive behavioral pattern of exploiting, manipulating, and violating the rights of others. The behavior often crosses the line from disturbing into criminal.

Mental health experts define antisocial personality disorder as part of the Cluster B group (types of personality disorders), meaning it’s one of the dramatic, emotional, and erratic disorders. The condition shares these broad characteristics with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder.

What Does Antisocial Personality Disorder Look Like?

What is antisocial personality disorder, exactly? People with antisocial personality disorder exhibit hostile and deceitful behaviors that first appear in childhood. As children, they may torment and torture animals as well as engage in bullying and intimidating of others. In addition to stealing, they may vandalize the property of others by setting fires or destroying the property in other ways. When a child behaves in this way, flagrantly violating standards of conduct, a mental health expert would likely diagnose him with conduct disorder. Conduct disorder is a form of antisocial personality disorder that occurs in children.

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder have a complete lack of remorse for their (often criminal) behaviors; although, they may convincingly feign remorse, when it benefits them. Unfortunately, for most, even if they seek treatment for antisocial personality disorder, the prognosis is poor.

Causes of Antisocial Personality Disorder

Experts don't know the exact causes of antisocial personality disorder. Most research suggests both biological (genetic) and environmental (upbringing, social) components contribute to its development. Risk factors include things like:

• Physical child abuse
• Sexual child abuse
• Gross neglect
• Alcoholic parent
• Mother smoked during pregnancy
• Family history of the disorder
• Cruelty to animals in childhood

Other research suggests that the antisocial personality requires greater sensory input to jumpstart normal brain function. Some studies show that antisocial personalities have a lower resting heart rate, low skin conductivity, and a decreased amplitude when it comes to certain brainwave measures. These findings may support this theory, but there's no solid evidence to debunk or validate it with certainty.

More men than women have the condition. Antisocial personality disorder statistics indicate that three percent of males and one percent of women suffer from this serious disorder. A much higher percentage of people in prison have antisocial personality disorder. Click to read about famous people with antisocial personality disorder.

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There is currently only one product that can prevent HIV transmission during sex - condoms. But the race is on to create an alternative. And one of the biggest developments, microbicides, may be the favorite that will help reduce the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) worldwide.

How Microbicides Would Work

Unlike condoms, which create a physical barrier to prevent the transfer of disease from one body to another, microbicides would form a chemical barrier inside a woman's vagina. This barrier could prevent both bacteria and viruses from spreading in various ways: by blocking the virus before it enters the body, preventing the virus from replicating, boosting the vagina's natural defenses or by directly killing the bacteria or virus before it infects the body.

No matter their mechanism of action, microbicides could be developed to target only HIV or a broad spectrum of STDs, both bacterial and viral, including herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. Additionally, microbicides may also include a spermicidal property to help prevent unwanted pregnancy.

They may be developed in the form of creams, gels, films or suppositories that are applied directly to the vagina. Just like condoms, early studies indicate that they will protect both sexual partners from disease transmission.

For American women, microbicides would offer an alternative to condoms and more protection than diaphragms, the pill or other forms of birth control, which do not offer any disease prevention. In fact, it seems that they will be just as effective when used in combination with these other types of birth control.

"We expect that a lot of women who are on the pill will use this as well to protect against sexual disease transmission, said Ann Marie Corner, Senior Vice President of Cellegy, the manufacturer of Savvy, one of the microbicides in development, "But it seems that women will also be likely to use it with a condom, as it is also a lubricating gel."

Microbicides, however, will offer much more to women overseas.

The Spread of HIV
Even with numerous efforts to curb the spread of HIV, rates of the disease continue to grow, mostly notably in women around the world. The World Health Organization estimates that half of all people with HIV are women and third-world nations have been the hardest hit.

Women in these regions are often uneducated about sexual diseases and subjected to sexual violence. And while resources may be scarce, there are many programs that offer condoms to these women. But they don't always help, as the man has to be willing to wear it. Making matters worse, a woman is almost twice as likely to be infected by HIV after sex with an infected man than vice-versa.

"[Microbicides] are a way for a woman to control HIV and other disease transmissions without a man's knowledge," said Dr. Christine Mauck, senior medical advisor at Conrad, a leading institution in testing various microbicides.

The Contenders
There are three microbicides currently in late-stage studies for FDA approval.

One gel, Savvy (C31G), created a buzz after being put on the FDA's fast-track system for approval in 2003. It works by preventing the infectious cell from entering the body. Early tests show that the gel is "highly potent" in fighting viruses and bacteria, and it is about 85 percent successful in preventing pregnancies with minimal side effects. Two other products, Carraguard and cellulose sulfate (also known as UsherCell), are also currently being tested for their effectiveness.

As of yet, all three microbicides have shown promise for use against HIV with minimal side effects. Only time will tell if these products prove to be just as effective in long-term tests and against other STDs. Still, while some experts may disagree, Mauck estimates that at least one of these products will be approved for use in three to four years.

Even though government approval may be far off, manufacturing companies have already established agreements with USAID, an American organization dedicated to helping underdeveloped nations, to provide microbicides to women in the most affected countries at an incredibly reduced cost.

"The hope is to give women something that doesn't need a partner's knowledge that will reduce rates of HIV to not only them, but their children as well," said Corner.

And while microbicides probably won't be provided at a reduced cost to American women, they would still be an inexpensive option to help make sex safer for everyone.

Karen Barrow is a copyeditor/writer for Healthology. She obtained a master's degree in biomedical journalism from New York University and a bachelor's degree in biology from Cornell University.

"Speaking...slowly freed me from the shame I'd felt. The more I struggled to speak, the less power the rape and its aftermath seemed to have over me" - Nancy Venable Raine

On May 10, 1998, I walked into my best friend's store, just like I did every other day. My friend Lawrence's cousin, Ziyad, was there. I had never met him before. I was helping out at the store, it was no big deal- I did it every other day. My mom worked there too, but she wasn't there that day. I was an innocent little 13 year old girl, I basically knew nothing about sex, and I never thought that I could be raped. I always said "It could never happen to me." But it did. And to this day, I live with the regrets that I thought nothing like that could ever happen to me.

I was doing the cash register, it was a Sunday, so liquor sales didn't start until noon. Lawrence and Ziyad sat in the office until noon when the liquor sales started, then Lawrence and I traded places. For the longest time Ziyad and I sat in the office talking and getting to know each other. We talked about people, sports, cars, just small talk. Then he began making perverted comments to me. Feeling very uncomfortable, I went up to the cash register with Lawrence. I didn't tell him about his cousin. Now I know I should have.

At about 2:30, Lawrence sent me and Ziyad into that back room to do some work. I was back there, minding my own business and doing my thing. Ziyad grabbed me by my arms and drug me into the bathroom. I screamed. He put this hand over my mouth and started to undo his pants. Knowing what was about to happen I froze. My whole body went numb. I couldn't move. After he was done, he got dressed and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. He left me there with my tears. When he walked out the door, he took with him my pride, my security and my virginity. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. What if I tell someone and they don't believe me? Was it my fault? I thought Lawrence was my friend, if he was, how could his cousin do this to me? Not to mention the multiple feelings I had. Shame. Guilt. Anger. Fear. But most of all disbelief. How could this happen to me?

About 10 minutes later I walked out of the bathroom, past the office, and up to the cash register, where Lawrence, not knowing anything yet, was standing. As I walked past the office, I noticed that Ziyad's cousin Firas was there to pick him up. As I walked by he said "You know what Lindsie, you're a slut". So, that means that Ziyad went in there and bragged that he "Got Some."

After Ziyad left, I began to cry. Lawrence continually asked me "what's wrong Lindsie, what's wrong"? Finally I blurted out "Your cousin raped me." He hugged me and gently kissed my head. At first he told me not to tell anyone, later on he told me to do what I felt was right. He also said he'd always be here for me. The funny thing is, I believed him...

Later that night my sister came to pick me up. As soon as I got in her car, I started crying. I told her what happened. She told me I had to tell my parents. I didn't want to. She did. My whole family was crying...my parents...my 2 brothers.. and my sister. My mom called the police. After they got there and we made a police report, they took me to the hospital to have a rape kit done. We pressed charges. Later that night, they went to Ziyad's house. He told them it was consensual. I didn't want to do it. He forced me. It was RAPE!

Over the next few days it finally sank in that it happened and I became completely oblivious to the things that were going on around me. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and listen to the radio so loud I couldn't even hear myself breathe. I had to go to the police station for more questioning. Through visits to the police station, and calls with the officer handling my case, I found out that Ziyad had told a different story quite a few times already. It was consensual. I gave him oral sex. I gave him oral sex and then had sex with him. I forced him. With those different stories, don't you think that would make it obvious that he did it? I mean, he couldn't even keep his story straight. It wasn't. The police took my case to the state prosecutor before the rape kit results came back. They said there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute and dropped my case just like that. Too bad they didn't have all the evidence yet! So, instead of just dropping the whole thing like nothing happened, we went about things in our own way....

Lawrence was calling my house everyday asking if we could settle outside of court for money, and asking if I would still help him out at the store. My mom worked there too, so he was asking if she would come back to work. We got so sick of it. Finally we called the police and told them, which turned this into a police report also. If Lawrence, his family, or his friends called my house again, they would be arrested. Then we started our civil case. We're currently in the process of that. We're suing the store and Ziyad. I had my deposition a couple of months ago, and since the defendant has the right to be in the room, Ziyad was there. As I had to describe in detail what was done to me, he sat there laughing. Since I'm a minor, my parents had to be in the room with me. Ziyad was staring at my dad, laughing, and the whole time we were in the room, Ziyad had a smile on his face. My dad couldn't take it any more. He had his fists ready when Ziyad's lawyer made us take a break. During the break, they realized that Ziyad wasn't making things any easier for me, and they made him leave. Our court date is September 21.

I'm currently in counseling 2 times a week, and I'm on pills for depression. I can't fall asleep at night without the TV on. And I've already given myself an ulcer from worrying so much. I know things will get better and eventually I will be able to live a normal life again, but right now it is hard. Very hard.

-Lindsie

Is jealousy ruining your relationships? Find out about the root causes of jealousy and how to deal with and overcome feelings of jealousy.

Overcoming Jealousy, Anger, and Control in Relationships

Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior. It begins with awareness. Awareness allows you to see that the projected stories in your mind are not true. When you have this clarity you no longer react to the scenarios that your mind imagines. Jealousy and anger are emotional reactions to believing scenarios in your mind that are not true. By changing what you believe you change what your imagination is projecting and you can eliminate these destructive emotional reactions. Even when there is justification for the reaction, jealousy and anger are not beneficial ways to deal with the situation and get what we want.

Trying to change anger or jealousy once you are in the emotion is like trying to control a car skidding on ice. Your ability to handle the situation is greatly improved if you can steer clear of the hazard before we get there. This means addressing the beliefs that trigger jealousy instead of attempting to control your emotions.

To permanently dissolve the emotions such as anger and jealousy in relationships means changing the core beliefs of insecurity and mental projections of what your partner is doing.

The steps to permanently end jealous reactions are:

1. Recovering personal power so that you can get control of your emotions and refrain from the reactive behavior.
2. Shift your point of view so that you can step back from the story in your mind. This will give you a gap of time in which to refrain from a jealous or angry reaction and do something else.
3. Identify the core beliefs that trigger the emotional reaction.
4. Become aware that the beliefs in your mind are not true. This is different than "knowing" intellectually that the stories are not true.
5. Develop control over your attention so you can consciously choose what story plays in your mind and what emotions you feel.

There are a number of elements that create the dynamic of jealousy. As such, effective solutions will have to address multiple elements of beliefs, point of view, emotions, and personal will power. If you miss one or more of these elements you leave the door open for those destructive emotions and behaviors to return.

By practicing a few simple exercises you can step back from the story your mind is projecting and refrain from the emotional reaction. If you really have the desire to change your emotions and behavior you can do it. It just takes the willingness to learn effective skills. You will find effective exercises and practices to overcoming the emotional reaction of jealousy in the Self Mastery Audio Program. The first few sessions are free.

Understanding Emotional Reactions mp3 (28 min)
Jealousy mp3 (7:27)

Principle triggers of jealousy are beliefs that create feelings of insecurity.

Feelings of low self-esteem are based in beliefs we have in a mental image of who we are. In order to eliminate the insecurity and low self-esteem we don't have to change, we just have to change our belief in the false self-image. While some people assume this may be hard, it is only challenging because most people have not learned the skills necessary to change a belief. Once you practice the skills you find that changing a belief takes very little effort. You just stop believing the story in your mind. It takes more effort to believe something than it does to not believe it.

Self Judgment can amplify the feeling of insecurity

It is not enough to "know" intellectually that we are creating the emotion. With only this information the Inner Judge is likely to abuse us with criticism for what we are doing. The Inner Judge might use this information to take us on an emotional downward spiral to further insecurity. For real lasting change, you will need to develop skills to dissolve the beliefs and false self-images and gain control of what your mind projects. The practices and skills are available in the audio sessions. Session 1 and 2 are free sessions and should lend insight into how the mind works to create emotions. Session 1 and 2 also give you excellent exercises to recover some personal power and begin shifting your emotions.

One of the steps to changing a behavior is to see how we actually create the emotion of anger or jealousy from the images, beliefs, and assumptions, in our mind. This step not only allows us to take responsibility but taking responsibility for our emotions also puts us in a position of power to change them.

If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner, and they want you to change your behavior to prevent the jealousy then they are not taking responsibility. If they say things like "If you wouldn't _____ then I wouldn't react this way." That type of language flags an attitude of powerlessness and an attempt to control your behavior with a deal.

How the mind creates the emotions of jealousy and anger

I've outlined the dynamics of jealousy and anger in the explanation below. If you are seeking to overcome jealousy it is likely that you already know the dynamics that I describe. This description may help fill in some gaps of how the mind twists knowledge into self-judgment and reinforces low self-esteem and insecurity. This intellectual understanding can help develop awareness to see these dynamics at the moment you are doing them. But to really make effective changes you will need a different skill set. Knowing how you create your emotional reactions doesn't give you enough information about how to change them. Just like knowing you got a flat tire because you ran over a nail doesn't mean you know how to patch the tire.

For the illustration, I'll use a man as the jealous partner. I refer to various images in the mind and you can use the diagram below for reference.

It starts with a man feeling insecure about himself. Insecurity comes from his False Hidden Image of being "not good enough". With the belief that this false image is him, rather than an image in his mind, the man creates self-rejection in his mind. The emotional result of self-rejection is a feeling of unworthiness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness.

Compensating for Insecurity

In order to overcome the emotion generated from his Hidden False Image, he focuses on his perceived positive qualities. From these qualities, the man creates a more positive False Image of himself. I call this the Projected Image because this is how he wants to be seen. The emotional result of a positive self-image is no self-rejection and no feeling of unworthiness. There is greater acceptance for himself, therefore he creates more love and happiness. Notice that he has not changed, he is just holding on to a different image in his mind depending on the moment.

The Hidden Image beliefs become the triggers of unhappiness while the Projected Image triggers more pleasant emotions. It is important to note that both images are false. Both images are in the man's mind and neither one is really him. He is the one that is creating and reacting to the images in his imagination. He is not an image in his imagination.

The man's mind associates the Projected Image with qualities women are attracted to. Often the qualities are considered positive as a result of the assumption that women are attracted to them. When the man gets attention from a woman he associates himself with the Projected Image rather than the "Not Good Enough" image. The strengthened belief in the Projected Image results in more self-acceptance, love, and happiness in his emotional state.

It is the man's action of acceptance and love that changes his emotional state. It is not the image or the woman's attention that change his emotion. These are only triggers that activate the man's mind towards certain beliefs, self-acceptance, and love.

The man's mind often makes the false assumption that "she makes him happy" or that he "needs" her to be happy. It only appears this way because he is noticing the woman's relationship to his emotional state. Often the man doesn't realize that she is just an emotional trigger for his mind to express love. He may not have formed other triggers for expressing his own acceptance and love so he is dependent on a woman for a trigger. When the man recognizes that she is only a trigger and his role of expressing acceptance and love is what changes his emotional state, then the man doesn't "need" his partner in order to be happy.

The man's conflicting False Images might look like this in his mind.

Controlling Behavior

The man is operating from the false belief that he is happier because of a woman's attention and love. When he imagines that her attention is on someone or something other than himself, he reacts with fear. The majority of the fear is not about losing the woman as he might falsely believe. The majority of the fear is about avoiding the emotional pain he creates in his mind with the Hidden Image.

Without her attention, his Hidden Image beliefs become active. His point of view about himself also moves into perceiving from this "not good enough" state. His emotion of unworthiness and unhappiness follows his paradigm of beliefs and point of view.

The man attempts to get and control the woman's attention so that the Projected Image beliefs are active. He works to "activate" her "trigger" to support his Projected Image beliefs. It is the mechanism he knows for avoiding his emotionally unpleasant Hidden Image beliefs. He is not aware that it is the expression of love and acceptance that is the means to change his emotional state.

Anger and punishment to control behavior

One of the mechanisms we learn early in life is to control other people's attention and behavior through the emotion of anger. When we were punished as children, anger often accompanied that punishment. Sometimes just harsh words were enough to get us to change behavior. At a very minimum when someone was angry at us, it got our attention. In this way, we learned early in life to use anger as a means to control other people's attention, and as a punishment to control behavior. As we got older we didn't necessarily unlearn this pattern.

The jealous man uses anger towards his partner in order to get and control her attention. Anger also works as a punishment with the result of inflicting emotional pain on the woman. By punishing the woman with anger the woman may change her behavior in order to avoid emotional punishment in the future.

The man's use of anger may not be his preferred choice. But his behavior of anger is the result of a false belief paradigm. The man may "know" differently at the level of his intellect, but his behavior is based in the false beliefs and Hidden Image that push his emotions.

The actual result of Controlling Anger

With his anger, the man gets the opposite result that he was conditioned to get as a child. An adult generally has more power to resist the punishment of anger than does a child. The woman will withdraw from him because of her tendency to avoid the emotionally unpleasant. Her withdrawal will then activate his Hidden Image beliefs that he was working to avoid. The man's belief-emotion cycle returns to the beginning. This is emotionally painful.

The Analysis after the Incident

After a jealousy and anger incident, there is an opportunity to look at and analyze the events. For the jealous man, this time can often be more painful emotionally. This is when his self-judgment can be at its worst.

The man plays over in his mind the behavior of anger and control. However, now it is reviewed from the viewpoint of the Inner Judge in his mind. The Inner Judge does the analysis and condemns him. The Inner Judge specifically holds up the Projected Image and then points out that "he failed" to live up to that standard. Based on the Projected Image standard he can only conclude he is a failure and not good enough.

The anger incident, when viewed by the Inner Judge is "evidence" that he is actually the person that fits the Hidden Image description. Accepting and believing this judgment results in the man feeling unworthy, guilt, and shame. The belief, emotion, and point of view of the Hidden Image character is reinforced

The Inner Judge does not give the man a fair trial. It is a hanging Judge. The Inner judge does not assess the role of the Belief System, False Images, or the Point of View. The man is at the mercy of forces in his mind that he has not been trained to see and deal with. With awareness of these forces and some specific practice, he can begin to get control over his emotional state.

This chain reaction happens very fast

The man has gone through an array of emotions and self-images in his mind, usually very quickly. Often the process happens so fast that he is not aware of what the mind and belief system has done. Also, the denial system pushes his mind toward not acknowledging the Hidden Image as that would be too painful emotionally. Because of the multiple elements of the reaction, it is easy to miss critical elements such as point of view and assumptions of how emotion is created. Missing these critical elements distorts our conclusions and makes our efforts to change ineffective.

Efforts to change behavior don't seem to work

The principal problem in the analysis is that the man studies the events from the point of view of judgment. The judgment adds to the rejection. It also operates to reinforce the belief in the standard of Perfection. This point of view reinforces the Hidden Image and the Projected Image beliefs which are part of the core cause. The very part of our mind that is doing the analysis is actually reinforcing the core causes.

The man is looking for a solution, and in this paradigm of unworthiness, the solution looks like he should become the "Projected Image." If he can become the confident, strong, kind, and loving person he "knows" he is, then he will like himself and the woman will love him and everything will be fine. He does not see that the Projected Image is formed in his imagination.

There are other problems with this approach.

1. The man's belief that he is the Projected Image is undermined by his belief that he is not "good enough." The Hidden Image beliefs create a feeling of unworthiness. Being perfect may compensate at times, but the feeling of unworthiness will seep through until the Hidden image is dealt with.

2. Even when the man pulls off being the perfect Projected Image, the Hidden Image beliefs will have part of him feeling like a fraud. According to the Hidden image beliefs he is not really "Perfect" and he is not "Worthy." He will feel inauthentic because of these conflicting beliefs. The feeling of being a fraud often happens when his successes are being praised by others. The more success and recognition he receives that fits the Projected Image, the more pronounced the Hidden Image push up doubts in his mind.

He can not be in Emotional Integrity as long as he associates his identity with one or more conflicting images in his mind.

3. The man's efforts at controlling his emotion will have him continually on guard against an outburst of jealousy and anger. This "on guard" feeling is born out of fear that at any moment he may fall and emotion will overtake his attention. This feeling of fear not only wears on a person but represses emotion and doesn't allow for feeling authentic Love and Happiness.

4. Building strong positive beliefs and a positive self-image can help to diminish the reaction side but to a limited extent. It is a patch that can help for some but still bases identity in a false image and not in authenticity and integrity. It does not do anything to address the emotions that come from the Hidden Images or beliefs of unworthiness that are at the core of the behavior. These often become buried in the sub-conscious and resurface later during times of stress when they are most destructive, and we are least able to deal with them.

Emotion and False Beliefs Drive the Behavior

When one looks at the behavior of jealousy and anger as a means to control and keep someone, the behavior doesn't make sense. Anger and jealousy will not endear someone to be closer to us. The man in the situation can often look at his own behavior and see that it doesn't make sense. He can see the woman withdraw from him as a result of his behavior. Yet seeing the result and knowing this intellectually does not change the dynamics of his behavior. Why?

His behavior is not driven by thinking, logic or intellectual knowing. Therefore it can not be changed by these modalities. It is driven by Beliefs, False Images, Point of View, and Emotion. If we are to change our behavior, we must address these fundamental elements in a manner different than plain intellect and logic. Why use an approach different than intellect and logic? The Inner Judge will use intellect and logic to create judgments and reinforce the existing false beliefs.

A Path with Results

Changing beliefs, emotional reactions, and destructive behaviors is through mastering your point of view, attention, and dissolving the false beliefs in your mind. When you learn to shift your Point of View you can literally move your self out of a Belief and out of an emotion. From a new point of view, you will have the awareness to see the faulty logic of the beliefs behind the behavior. With the awareness of the false beliefs behind your actions, you will be able to refrain from destructive behavior. Eliminating false beliefs eliminates the triggers of your emotions. It is the elimination of the false beliefs that will dissolve the fear.

If you have enough desire to change a jealous and angry behavior you will eventually have to do more than study the problem. You will have to take action. I suggest beginning with the free audio sessions. Listen to the information and practice the exercises for a few days each and see what you learn. You can sign up for free. No credit card information is necessary.

More about the author, Gary van Warmerdam