Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, June 24 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I think when words are exchanged between people and these words are of a malice nature with intent to hurt then it's pretty obvious that it's abuse. Telling someone to ease up on a particular behaviour is not necessarily abusive but if you throw some personal slings in there it can be. Your putting that person down while your telling them to shape up. Not having someone's best interests at heart while advocating for their behaviours to change or be addressed eg depression mental illness etc can be cause for an assumption of abuse. It's very easily defined one from the other. Just take into consideration the intent. It's either for help or harm. I think we are all adult enough to really deep down spot the difference.
I have hurt people's feelings by telling them their constant complaining and fault finding was dragging me down and making me not want to spend time with them. That doesn't make me abusive. At the same time, people have hurt my feelings by saying that they thought I needed to go on medication because my depression/anxiety was getting out of control. There is a big difference between talking down to someone and belittling them and confronting them on their actions/behavior. Just because you have hurt feelings doesn't necessarily mean you are being abused. If someone is calling you names and putting you down, that is a totally different story. That is abusive.
Verbal abuse and setting limits with people and confronting them on their bad behavior, ect. are def not the same thing. I realize each situation is different, but some of these statements are dicey and a fine line and others are clearly verbal abuse. There have been times in my life where people had to be tough with me in a reasonable way and times I had to be tough and confront others. I think we live in a world where we expect everyone to go along with whatever we want to do, say, have.....and any deviation from that or any confrontation is seen as "mean" or "abusive." I went through true, real abuse and it is not fun to put in mildly. Not getting your way or someone refusing to tolerate your constant negativity/complaining has been called abuse by some. It's not. We need to be kind to one another but we also need to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Just because someone has called you out on something you do that you need to change, and then you feel badly or bad about yourself, that does not mean you are being abused. It can be very complicated and dicey is what I am saying.
I don't think it's that complicated at all. If someone typically hurts your feelings (or your body) when you're with him or her, then the behavior is abusive.
Constant verbal abuse making me feel inadequate....im working partner isnt and stays at his home 24/7 expecting me to always go to his... he has finacial probs and always makes excuses why we dont go out even if its for a walk....when I spend time with him and after buying shopping and cooking his meals he finds fault with everything I do....I recently had an operation which has made me put on a little weight.. he uses this and when we have words he says he doesnt go out with big women and calls me a fat cxxt!!! My size is 14 but have tummy probs...I am happy with me and work but when he starts on me I feel so inadequate and confidence drops...ive done everything to support him in his bad times but im now feeling why do I bother.....but for some strange reason I cant walk away...we been together 3 yrs we are a mature couple...I have my own house job...he lives alone with no job money!!! How can I walk away without feeling guilty of abandoning him when he needs me....he has pushed family and friends away
I have tried detachment. He says he's not done yelling at me until I cry because I'm not learning my lesson. I think of my dog dying and cry. I just saw how abusers can twist things and victim blame. He tells me it's all my fault. I just can't talk because everything I say upsets him. He twists everything. I have 14 yrs of absurd stories of things that have made him scream and berate me. I'm disabled and stuck. He also says if I leave he will kill himself and he can blackmail me in a way that will ruin my life, even though not true. I don't understand how anyone can be that cruel. I think he enjoys how he can push me around verbally and emotionally and then get me to say I was wrong and comfort him.
P.S.S. He says I am paranoid, but whenever i believe him, i was right to be paranoid, and convinced myself otherwise, because he said so. Oh, one more thing, "it's all my fault he cannot retire. If I was still working, then he could quit." DG brings it up almost nightly
I am still in my 35 year physically, verbally, emotionally abusive relationship. After reading ALL 284 POSTS, I realize that now, I have become the abuser/victim and he is abuser/victim. I do believe THAT started the da I decided I was not taking anymore of his shit, and I refused to ever apologize again for anything I did not do, just to make HIM feel better. I also told him, we would never call me an effing c u next tuesday, ever again. Or any other name. (Apparently, insane, crazy, fucking insane, fucking crazy are not bad names, YES THEY ARE, and that will stop.
I also explained to him that I was going to do what ever I wanted to do. That's what he does. Why is it ok for him, but not for me? It is not. And last but not least, EVERYTHING HE DOES TO ME, I WILL DO TO HIM. AND I HAVE. and he has learned what it feels like. When he learns this, lesson over, and we move on. Things are better than they were, a lot better, but WHEN HE GETS DRUNK (5nights out of seven) he starts in on me. He is osomeone else. I call him DG. (drunk guy) DG is MEAN, and violent, and hateful, resentful, disgusting mother effer. we go at it. doors mirrors wallls smashed, thrown on the floor screamed at punched once, punched at :100 x's Now, all of a sudden, he's very very sweet and nice and helpful and charming and blah blah blah, and instead of liking it, I am VERY NERVOUSE and concerned about it. WHY? Why all of a sudden. ANd I mean 360 degree flip, people. what do you think he is up to. NEVER BEEN THIS SWEET IN 35 YEARS. I am suspicious...but then again, I am crazy insane. He said I was. it must be true, because he never lies or does anything wrong, ever. You see why I am suspicious.
OH OH AND HE wants a name of a counselor that can help him "with mw" oh, and for him. Very anxious about getting a number of someone to "help" What do you ladies and gentlemen think?
P.S. I am in heart failure from all the stress. and he has not taken good care of me at all. as you can see above, yes these incidents are while I have been quite ill, I also have severe major depression, high anxiety panic attacks, (add adhd, non medicated, can you tell??;D) COPD, CARDIOMYOPATHY, CARDIOMEGALY, REYNAUDS< RSD, Carpal Tunnel, Perpheral neuropathy, OSTEoporosis like an 80 yr old woman (54) and DJD, and TA DA!.....My spine is collapsing and crushing me with much pain and i refuse pain pills. I have lost 4 inches in my height in 2 years.
so back to the suspicious behavior? TELL ME.............eagerly awaiting to hear what you have to say... Thank you so much for listening/reading
I can't get into your husband's head to know what he is thinking. However, this sounds like an effort to "keep the peace" until he can figure out how to get to you again. He doesn't want you to leave him (abusers never do).
When he starts in again (and he will), it will be a surprise to you, just as it was in the beginning. 35 years of ugliness doesn't change overnight. Even with therapy, he would mess up now and again. He is ALWAYS in control of his emotions, or at least the emotions he shows to you. Being "sweet" is no different from being ugly. But he needs to keep you around until he figures out new ways to torture you.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could thrown him.
I have been with my now husband for almost 3 years. He blames me for everything. He says that I opened the doors with verbal and physical abuse. I feel like in the beginning I did. I would cuss and physically abuse him. I don't do that now and it's been a while since I've called him any names. He continues to physically and verbally abuse me. He says I'm worthless and dumb. He tells me to find someone else and that I can do better than him. He puts me on this guilt trip and says that I make him say these things to me because I won't "stfu". If I tell him I'm leaving he apologizes and makes promises not to call me names but as soon as he is upset I'm a "bitch" or a "ratchet". He usually doesn't apologize but I have to make him in order for us to "move on". He says I am taking advantage of him bc I am not working full time and he's paying the bills. He calls me controlling and blames me for the slightest thing. Then other days we are "in love" like nothing has ever happened between us and like if we can't live with out each other. It's confusing to me. Like if I'm a yoyo. Sometimes I wish I was somewhere else and the very thought of it scares me. I don't want a failed marriage and nobody knows we have these issues. He is a good man when he wants to be:a total sweetheart but I'm the "psycho" "illogical ho". I'm just really scared of waking up at 45 and being in the same boat I'm in now. Recently, I got back into doing bible studies and he said to me "I see those bible studies are not helping you" he says I'm the "devil". Just today he threw my bible at me and told me to go read my verses. He also told me he hates being married to me and that he doesn't give a shit about me. Later in the day he acted like nothing went down today. It's crazy how someone can go on like if they did nothing wrong and expect you to be the same way. I am hurting inside but if I bring this up to him he just shrugs so I don't say anything anymore.
Im not sure if this is abuse or not but we have a good day and are bad but when there bad there really bad like today. He had a bad head so bit took the kids downstairs to keep then quiet in the morning made breakfast and so on. After a hour or so he came down so I went upstairs to open the curtains and make the beds. That's when I found out he masterbaited so I confronted him said why when you have me he then blew up at me shouting horrible thing and said I'm just a fat lazy selfish bitch. It got me upset and he then said oh look going all upset now. Anyway all day iv just cleaned the house and fed the kids. But I can't stop thinking about the words he said it makes me upset and angry. He has a short fuse as it is and it making me hate him but I do like the good days we have. What do I do i love him and have 4 children with him but if in leave I know he will spread things about me stalk me or even take me kids away some how. Please is this verbal abuse or is it me just being silly and over thinking things and let him get on with it.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years. Three years ago I wanted to marry him and today there is a piece of me that says don't do it. He calls me lazy and fat. And has told me before in the past that he can't marry me before I learn to be a housewife. He says I can't cook and clean and that I don't make enough money. That I should go and get a better job. He has done this for 5 years. I just kept thinking I'll get better or he'll get better. 4 years ago he left bruises on my chest. I could see his hand there for a week. He has made my teeth bleed from slapping me. He has pushed me down. More bruises in many different areas. Always saying that he barely touched me or that I bruise easily. And he has given me a black eye. Saying that it was a reflex and he was saying but I caused it. Many nights he comes home and just gets upset about the house being dirty and me not doing enough of anything. So instead of helping me he plays games and sits there not having done a thing beside make me feel like I'm the problem. And maybe I am. I'm 28 and have no kids and he brings up the fact that I'm never horny and not fertile. I'm going crazy and I need advice. Call me nuts but I love him. God help me I love him still.
Alyssa, abuse warps our idea of love. http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/01/verbal-abuse-disguis… Contact a support group and go to the meetings. Your isolation and his brainwashing are doing you a disservice. Hugs to you, Alyssa.
I'm in a relationship ship. Marriage. We've been together since 15. He was my knight in shining armor who turned around and has killed dme with the blade that once saved me. His words cur me like knives. I'm ugly fat disgusting a whore a bitch a skank. I have only had sex with one person. I'm too shy to even talk to other guys. I hate my life and if I didn't have kids I would leave. But what am I suppose to do. He had two domestic violence charges when we were 18. We're 27 now. The pain I'm feeling these days is like no other. I feel the same as i did when i was a teen. Alone and depressed hurt by some one who is suppose to live me. He hates me but won't let me leave. I just don't understand. He made me take a lie detector test when we were 19 I passes ofcourse and he said I cheated on it. He says he hates our kids andbthir wotlrthless females. I wish he would die somehow or leave so I could be free. I will never be free if he is here. I hate my fucking life. I hate my fucking life. I have cried so much I have no more tears. I'm sick of trying to explain to my girls why thier daddy is a mean person and why he is so grumpy. I wish I would have given them a better family. FML
It's never too late to change your mind.
I was in a verbal and physical abusive relationship most of the time I stand up and try to leave but he somehow draws me back he takes my money before bill are due he take my car calls me names i have had blackeyes swollen lips and have been k.o before he makes me call myself names and I am afraid of him I was so in love with him that I sleped on the floor but it make u feel like you have no morals self respect or anything I moved in with him and it was hell waiting on the next paycheck then I'm leaving and throwing away my phone cause he always calls and threatens me lady's got to have more respect for yourself don't go through what I'm going through just cause he feeds you bath and talk about stuff that's not real don't mean u fall in love it makes u stronger when you run away from it and learn from bit these type of ppl can and will kill u get away while u can this isn't healthy
I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My boyfriend is a hard worker and very fun to be with also very loving most of the time. Are relationship has been stormy from the beginning. When we fight he says that I am a controlling bitch and I beat him down, there are times he calls me cunt. He says very hurtful things when we fight and he becomes very angry. I am starting to feel like maybe there is something wrong with me, I know that his behavior is not normal I get right back in his face when he talks to me like that. He's says I like to fight which is so not true. But I will not be talked to that way by anyone. Am I wrong? Should I seek help for myself?
I'm not a therapist or doctor, but in my opinion, what you're doing sounds like me in the beginning of my abusive relationship. I thought I was sticking up for myself, not letting him speak to me that way. He also asked me things along the line of "Do you just want to fight?" as if I did want to fight. What he was really saying was "As long as you stand up for yourself in this way, I have an excuse to abuse you!"
Robin, I would seek help for yourself. It isn't because you're overreacting or being a bitch, but because you are in an abusive relationship. A counselor could help you see the truth of what is going on, which will make you more intolerant of his behavior. My hope is that you leave now before wasting two decades with an abuser like I did.
Ok, so what are you going to do in this situation? You know pretty well that he is abusing you and reading your post I think that you should leave him straight away. More than that, you can even demand compensation for your injury, having medical records of that. I have just finished writing an e-book about abuse and there are some tips about smart leaving the abuser there. Don't wait until he starts hitting you again. Enough is enough. Take action and leave him, for your good sake. Good luck
Hi I stumbled onto this site trying to find some help for myself. I have been married to a nightmare for 8 1/2 years. Acording to him I shouldn't aggrivate him. I will just say that on our 1 st month anniversary he gave a collapsed lung lacerated spleen broken rib broken orbital socket three broken bones on my spinal cord.(you know you may be in trouble when a hospital med a VAC's you to another hospital) leval 2 trauma. All he kept saying was that I'm so fragile and barely touched me. REALLY!!? IT DIDNTf eel THAT WAY. I spent 11days in ICU and another 6 months of trying to overcome the physical pain. All I have suffered since then is another broken rib,quite a few black eyes ,bruises here and there. Damn how stupid am I . he is now verbally abusing me and threating me. I wont even be talking and he will say if I don't stop aggravating him he is going to kill me. Also he hit me . its been a couple years since he hit me but now that he has started physically abusing Again I think I need to find a way out. I am an idiot. I am mentally exhausted. I find myself so depressed that I can barely function. Would Seine please direct me in a path that will help me. Thanks trish
Do you love him or the idea of him?
Before you quickly say "I love him!" keep in mind you came to a website about verbal abuse and typed a long story about how he's still essentially a controlling jerk from across the world. Believe me I understand, it's easier to stay in a relationship and "try to make it work" because there are still feelings there. You didn't get together if there weren't. The problem is the person you love should make you feel good about yourself, not call you names. And while everyone has their bad days, they should not be EVERY DAY. And to end a hateful text with "love you" is as classic a verbally abusive text as there ever was, giving you just enough bait to keep you hopeful.
You said you hoped someone read your story. I read it. I empathized with it. I hope you find the strength in yourself to see your worth and give yourself to someone who deserves it. It's clearly not him. From how you've written about him he comes across as a hothead who joined the armed forces because he loves to play soldier and talk big. When you leave him, (you will, right?) you will see just how ridiculously off the wall he'll get. He'll call you names. He'll say you're worthless. He'll scream and cry like the little toddler playing soldier that he is. He may eventually even say he'll change. Do not buy into this. He's made zero effort to change. There's a part of him you like. Fine. Go find someone who's got a whole person to like. Or don't. Better yet, just be with yourself. Work on yourself. Consider today a clean slate. He does not exist. You are Michelle the Awesome. Michelle the Strong. Michelle the Independent.
You do not want to raise children with a person who disrespects the one he loves like this. He should be missing you not dissing you. Boy's gotta grow up, but not with you. Easier said than done I know but now's the time. No one will fault you for staying, and frankly it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Take a look at yourself and ask "am I the person I want to be? And will I be that person with him?"
Good luck Michelle. Please know at least one person is pulling for you.
i was with my abuser for 12 years, we had three beautiful children, that was the only thing beautiful about that relationship, it took me all of 12 years to leave him, after many broken noses, fractured skull, black eyes, head, ect.. and the most worst verbal abuse possible, i finally left, i fled to africa with a friend who lives here, but my ex took my kids from me, and refused me to speak to them until i come back home to him, i thought he was going to kill me last time, that is why i fled, i had no help, and no other options, he is a very good manipulator, and he told me that the judge granted him custody of my boys and that the judge put a no contact order out on me from my kids, those kids are my life, i need them more than i need air, i dream of them every night, and i pray to god their little hearts are not broken, when you have no money, and no one that even cares to help at all, you just feel like giving up sometimes, i don't know what will be worse, going back to him, just so i can be with my kids, or dying here in africa. I do however feel 1000000 percent better since i left my ex, i feel free, and not in constant fear all the time, life was complete hell in that relationship, i had taken an epo out on him, and got child support and everything, but ,,, he still kept coming around me, and would come in my house at night and take pictures of me, ahh it's a long story, and just a huge mess, i wish to god i just had my kids with me here, and my life would finally be perfect. please anyone who reads this, just pray for me, keep me and my boys in your prayers that one day me and my boys will be together. good luck to all out there suffering as I do.
My boyfriend has said things close to the ones in the list. He also calls me a miserable bitch ,nobody likes me cuz im a bitch,that i need to tell my dr to up the dose of my meds cuz they arent helping,saying it all in front of our daughter . Hes said alot worse things in front of her as well as spit on me while we were arguing . Somehow he manages to turn it around n make it feel like im the bad one n i deserve what he says n does. He also threatens to take my daughter every time we are talking about breaking up . He always says "why do i even try" when we are fighting. But he never has tried to comfort me,apologize , reassure me,none of it. And still,i wind up feeling like everything is my fault. I know we should just end it,but it hurts my heart just thinking about it. Reading these have helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for that
I stumbled upon this website because I am finally fed up with my situation. I have been with the same guy for three years and been going through hell almost every step of the way. Long story short I was adopted and I've always had abandonment issues . I notice I I stumbled upon this website because I am finally fed up with my situation. I have been with the same guy for three years and been going through hell almost every step of the way. Long story short I was adopted and I've always had a couple months ago I seem to get in these relationships and make them completely about the guy and now I am 25 have not finished college or anything good because I have made nothing but my life about relationships since I was 18 .I have been in three major relationships the first two were not abusive but we just didn't work however this relationship I am in now is the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. For the first time yesterday I called the suicide hotline. My car got stolen and the first thing my boyfriend is after I told him was hang up tell me I was annoying . I have been in three major relationships the first two were not abusive but we just didn't work however this relationship I am in now is the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. For the first time yesterday I called the suicide hotline. My car got stolen and the first thing my boyfriend is after I told him was hang He had went out of town with his friends for a wedding and asked me to pick him up so I did since I still had his car .
They got in the car and did not say a word so I asked him why he couldn't say hi which is something I frequently say to people he blew up on me he had a pocket knife in his hand at the Graham had given him and all the groomsmen from the wedding he pulled out the pocketknife and had opened up right and was yelling at me telling me I was worthless, I was lazy, I was a bitch all while I was driving his car home they got in the car and did not say a word so I asked him why he couldn't say hi which is something I frequently say to people he blew up on me he had a pocket knife in his hand at the Graham had given him and all the groomsmen from the wedding he pulled out the pocketknife and had opened up right and was yelling at me telling me I was worthless, I was lazy, I was a bitch . I was so hurt by this because I had just lost my car and then basically lost my boyfriend. I have completely made my life about him and his child that he had before I was in the picture and the fact that I couldn't even get him to be there for me for the second time was too much. The last time I got a car repossessed for financial reasons . He refused to help me and left me in I was so hurt by this because I had just lost my car and then basically lost my boyfriend. I have completely made my life about him and his child that he had before I was in the picture and the fact that I couldn't even get him to be there for me for the second time was too much. The last time I got a the house with no food, or anything and would come home from work get dressed and go hang out with his friends . I had no ride anywhere and no food to eat or money and had to call other people to help me because he refused to even look my direction that was only a couple months ago now this time my car gets stolen and he has decided to avoid me at all cost and anything I say he tells me I am stupid and gets upset and leave the house . And he is happy he tells me he will support and take care of us because he makes well then enough and when he's mad he will literally starve me to death and leave me to dry .things are good they're great and when they're bad I feel like dying like I should just jump off a bridge because I have done nothing with my life but have relationships. But after this weekend and reading these post I have decided that I need to just deal with my broken heart and move forward and out of this relationship. The suicide hotline yesterday gave me some numbers to call for shelter and help . I am calling them now . I know I'm not alone and that the way he acts is not right . Things are good they're great and when they're bad I feel like dying like I should just jump off a bridge because I have done nothing with my life but have relationships. But after this weekend and reading these post I have decided that I need to just deal with my broken heart and move forward and out of this relationship. The suicide hotline yesterday gave me some numbers to He also likes to try to tell me to move out of the house whenever he gets mad which finding out recently that I have to pression is a lot for me and it does make me feel very anxious and nervous and have anxiety attacks and he knows this yet he still does not seem to care and tells me that my feelings are just that feelings and it's not a big deal. I do not know how I got into this verbally abusive relationship . But I am going to miss the good times but I guess t he also likes to try to tell me to move out of the house whenever he gets mad which finding out recently that I have to pression is a lot for me and it does make me feel very anxious and nervous and have anxiety attacks and he knows this yet he still does not seem to care and tells me that my feelings are just that feelings and it's not a big deal hey are gone already . I cry every day and am sad all the time and to top it off I have no children and I figured that the fact that I was willing to except that he has a child and to help out with this kid that that would make him love me I am seeing now but that's not making him do anything but hate me and not appreciate me because when he is mad the first thing he says is I don't do anything for his son . I am so sad and just need to figure it out .
I'm so sad all of the above
Karen, visit http://www.thehotline.org/ and call or chat with the volunteers. They can give you information about where to get local help. Plus, they'll listen to you vent. Or cry. <3
My husband and I met in school but never dated until we ran into each other one night. We were about 18yrs old neither had a positive upbringing my dad left when I was 9 and my mother basically had a breakdown I think. We were poor and the guy she chose to be my stepdad was an druggy alcoholic and very physically and verbally abusive . Anyway my husbands father was physically abusive as well so I guess niether of us had a chance. We have always been friends and joke and get along 75% of the time but he cheated when we were very young and lied constantly also used drugs and I suspected it but never knew for sure until years later. When we argue he immediatly starts with what a stupid ***** I am or that I 'm a whore and I should be glad he is with me because everyone else would just screw me and be done. He has been physical a few tines just grabbed me or pushed me one time he punched me in the legs like 20 times when he was angry but when I threatened to tell he laughed and said and say what I frogged you, big deal! But my legs were black and blue and hurt I never said anything. I did finally leave him and he still persued me and I gave in promised he would change for me and his daughters and honestly he came a long way he has kept a job drug free he even seemed to work on his temper it's been 2yrs. Recently though he doesn't pay me much attention and we just don't have a lot in common other than address phone # and being parents he picks fights for no reason and makes up things that I say and do and the scary part is I think he believes it. Anyway I know it isn't healthy to be in a toxic relationship and the best advice is to leave but as weird as it sounds we do love each other and it's not easy.
Have you ever heard of confabulation?
From wikipedia (which happens to be correct in this case):
In psychology, confabulation is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive. Confabulation is distinguished from lying as there is no intent to deceive and the person is unaware the information is false. Although individuals can present blatantly false information, confabulation can also seem to be coherent, internally consistent, and relatively normal. Individuals who confabulate present incorrect memories ranging from "subtle alterations to bizarre fabrications", and are generally very confident about their recollections, despite contradictory evidence. Most known cases of confabulation are symptomatic of brain damage or dementias, such as aneurysm, Alzheimer's disease, or Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (a common manifestation of thiamine deficiency caused by alcoholism).
I always thought my ex-husband could pass a lie detector test when questioned about his "stories." Sounds like yours has a similar trait. I'm not saying either one of them has confabulated, but it sure feels like it.
Not paying you much attention is a form of abuse called withdrawal. It sometimes is the "calm before the storm." Sometimes it is better to love someone from a distance.
I am an artist and I am stuck in a relationship for almost two years. I was homeless and the guy lived next door to me. I was in a group home and the man rescued me. But he started turning on me once while a friend of his visited. He got mad at me about the pizza and I said whatever. And he smashed a plate at his friend and I. It hurt the side of his friend and barely missed me as it shattered. And he brings up the past from any fling I had with his friend as he told me that kind of kinky stuff he liked. I am 30 and thinking where did I go wrong? And he always brings up the past and whenever I ask him to speak up louder, he tells me I'm deaf or I'm stupid. And whenever I defend myself and say whatever or so what, he calls me crazy or restrains intimacy of even holding hands or sleeping with me for months. He bruised and sprained both hands and wrists of mine and grabbed my throat once. But he got off and the cops, social workers, friends and neighbors think he's normal and I need to be locked up! This is a small town. And nobody wants to hire me because they all think I provoke him. Well it's time to leave him, my facebook friends and any pen pals of the old and walk away. I don't even have a car or driver's liscense. Lonely, estranged and afraid, Rayelle
I've been through this for the last two years and finally decided to walk away I've been told things like 'the thought of you makes me sick', I resent you because you kept my children...you nothing and the list goes on I mean when a person truly cares they will show you not take all there anger an hurt on you I've descided to walk away and leave him to it an it very hard but we all got do what's best for us because deep down we all know our worth the road won't be easy but at least I will be free in the end I hope you guys find the strength to move on I took so long to and wish I had done alot sooner prayers are with you all God bless
Great. My mom does some if these.
My boyfriend of 2 years has been verbal abusive to me for awhile now. He always calls me names then apologizes saying he was angry. He claims he doesn't mean it. He always try to control me by saying I'm a whore, I fucked his friend and very hurtful untrue things about me. I pray things get better so I stay but deep down I know I should leave
Ive been with my husband for 14 years but have only been married for 6 of them. I remember it like it was yesterday, the first time he physically abuse me. I am not by no means innocent I have cussed him, and on a few different occasions I have slapped him across his face. I know there is no excuse and just because he tells me he allowed another female to suck his you know what still does not give me the right to slap him, but i did. That was actually the day that he first put his hands on me. I remember him flying up off the bed and tackeling me to the ground punching me on the head (always on the head never in the face), I started screaming but quickly realized that was not going to make him stop so I calmed myself and spoke to him asking him to stop, he did. I got up and told him I wasnt going to live like that and walked away, I got almost to the end of the hallway when I heard him start crying. I sit 14 years later and I wonder why wasn't I strong enough to keep going why did I turn around, especially since that was only the first time, this man has punched me on my head so badly it was lopsided for over a week, he beat me while i was pregnant with our first daughter and punched me in the head while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He accussed me of sleeping with a friend of his whom is ugly as all heck and missing some teeth and i would never touch anyways ever but yet i still got slapped in the mouth. Yes I said mouth he did not punch me in the mouth he slapped me he never punched me in the face. I went as far as lying to a cop and having my 6 week old daughter taken away because he head butted me and ripped her out of my arms and then he tried to leave with her. That was the first time I actually punched him and boy was I scared when he said "oh you want to hit", cus the look in his eyes was scarey and as he picked me up and slammed me to the ground all I could think was why doesnt he love me. So my daughter was removed from my care because I lied and said fell and hit the side of my head on the car door, and I have regretted that since. He did end up going to jail the DA issued a warrant for his arrest and after 3 months I was given back my little girl. While he was on probation he was able to keep his hands to himself but thats when he began calling me names more often then not. You name it hes called me it, the name calling and belittling hurts the most and at time I have found myself saying I would rather you hit me then talk to me that way at least bruises heal right. For eight years I allowed this to go on then i got a job and then sasly a friend of mine died and her boyfriend and I started talking, he came looking for me cus he new how close my friend and I were and he knew I liked to talk and that I could also listen. He and I talked about everything there was nothing going on in my life he did not know about and vice versa we became friends. For just about 2 months we talked only on the phone and then right at my 8 year anivarsary my then boy friend hurt my feelings for what i thought woukd be the last time. We were at his fruends house and i sat on his lap he then told me to get iff his leg i was to heavy and i was hurting him, i said excuse me he said you heard me and i dont know why your here anyways no one likes you ehy dont you go find your own friends and i saud sre you serious and then he saud to my yeah your nothing but a half of a woman any ways so leave and I did. The half if a woman comes from me having a partial histerectomy due to cervical dysplasia. Thats when I lost 60 lbs. put in housing apps, found some friends of my own, and decided talking on the phone to my friends (who had passed away prior) boyfriend was not enough and i went to his house. My friend ended up violating his parole and went back to prison for 6 months. I wrote him and told him that my boyfriend and i were going to try to work things out and that i could no longer write him, (he never got that letter until he reported to parole when he got released they actually handed it to him). The fighting didnt stop between my boyfriend and I and I finally got approved for housing. I was so happy finally I could leave. The morning my friend got out of prison my boyfriend snd I got into an argument and he jumped on me and proceeded to punch me where ever he could land them he did. My head and my arms were all lumped and bruised up when the cops came he went to jail but not before he cleaned out the bank account for 20,000$ leaving me and 4 kids with 1300. I got a storage and i packed everything that belonged to me and my kids i even packed all the food i left him a can of green beans and i believe some chicken. I did not take one thing of his and before I left I cleaned the whole house and showered whipping my pu**** on the only towel I left for him, I dont know why I did that but I did. Why I answered the phone the night he called me I really cant say except that I still loved him. He asked me to come home and I told him the only way I would come home is if he would marry me he said no do i said then i sm not coming back and hung up. The next morning I had a voicemail asking me to marry him. I told my friend and he told me to go home and he told me that he hoped I'd always smile, and when he got his shit together he'd come get me. For the first 2 years of our marriage everything was awesome then i found out he was chatting on line. (By the way be4 we got married I told him about the other guy i told him the whole truth about him). He had been chatting with a couple different girls and it had been going on. Yes a taste if karma or revenge but you see he was supposed to leave everything that happened prior to the marraige behind us as i did with all his mishaps and did i forget to mention that while i was pregnant with our first daughter he cheated on me and actually intended on leaving me sending a friend to tell me he didnt want to be with me the friend never came to tell me though. Anyways we are 6 years in to our marriage and since november (other the a few boughts here and there) of this last year he has become physical again and more verbal then ever he is actually breaking things and since we r married it doesn't matter he can break what ever he wants its community property. Ive tried to leave he manipulates me, hes even went as far as attempting to commite suicide by taking perscribtion medication. I think to myself everyday why did you allow this to go on, why did you turn around, why did you answer the phone, why did i allow him to talk me into quitting my job, why did i trust him? When I met him I was a brave take on the world 22 year old with so much spirit and life inside me, now Im 36 with a heart full of hate an fear and head full of memories of a girl that trusted to much. Believe me I want to leave I think about it all the time but how do I do that now that I have become so dependent on him, how do I let go of him my abuser, how do I walk away and how do I stay away? Can I and how do I live with out him? Will I ever be able to leave?
I've read most of your posts and can identify with many. I left my husband of 17 years, a year and a half ago. I put up with years of verbal abuse and threats to kill me. I thought he'd never let me go, but when I did leave it was the easiest thing to do. I simply walked out and rang the police, who came and arrested him for threatening to kill me. I took my children to a friends house for two days then booked myself into a refuge, where we stayed for a couple of months, until I was rehoused. This was the best thing I could have done and I've never had any regrets. Someone who loves you should treat you with respect. I now respect myself again, after many years of being put down by him. It's a slow process, but once you start to care about yourself again, life gets better, much better. Have the strength to walk away and good luck all of you.
I made a mistake by knowing I loved a person and thinking he loved me. After I cashed out my retirement for his son's house, gave up the proceeds to the sale of my home and moved in with him so he could add to his collection of muscle cars ; I found that he had no capacity for love, respect, dignity of others, compassion, for a start.
I was beaten and my body harmed by repeated beatings starting nine years ago. He doesn't hit me hard anymore, just punches, slaps a bit, spits on me, makes motions to hit me and if I flinch he laughs and chides me, treats me as a servant even down to cleaning floors after spilling coffee along them, flushing toilets after he leaves #2's, closing doors in the cold of winter/heat of summer (if I did something like that I would be screamed at and if I don't catch it before he comes back I get screamed at for not closing), calling my family and friends and yelling at them (I really don't have friends anymore), calling the places I've worked or telling people things about me where I work (we live in a small town where he grew up), he is friends with most police, the sheriff, and the police chief, he was even able to find out what was in my hospital record when he beat me bad a few years back because his son worked at the small hospital here and made copies of my record and many more things.
Today after being called the 'c' word, a whore, a fat pig, psychotic; I finally said that he was behaving like a sociopath. I had thought that in the past, but had never said it.
I have no money left, I'm 63 years old, I can't find a job as I have had so many injuries throughout life that I can't stand for very long and I'm in a lot of pain. I am trying to get myself though the next couple years as there is no health insurance as I can't pay for it.
I live off what I make selling books on the internet. Every penny goes to pay for my internet service so I can sell, car insurance, utilities, groceries for the house, rent to him for the room I stay in and Vonage for my phone. I do all the housework, all the yard and property work, I pay for my own way even though I have little anymore and he owns his house free and clear from when his wife died.
I do not have the money to live elsewhere as this is a small town in the oil field areas so rent is high. There is a women's shelter with limited stay, a fee, but it is for people who have addiction issues. There are few options for me, especially since I can't find a job and can't handle being on my feet for even a short period of time.
I grew up in a home where I was verbally, physically and sexually abused. I just want people to know that childhood abuse has lasting consequences. I know people say to just get over this and I have tried over and over. Basically, I am a throwaway human being that as my family had mentioned should have never been born.
I married a man that I thought was a nice man and he said that I turned him into a drinker (even though his mother and father as well as brother were drinkers). I was battered my him and when we divorced he won custody of our son because he was fit and I was not (I had filed for divorce because I was being battered too much). His neighbor did the psychologicals on us and no one would believe I was being battered, even though I had ended up in the hospital with broken bones, my breasts scalded with a pot of hot coffee, concussions. His uncle whom was a judge helped him and I never saw our son again.
I have talked to our son after I found them a few years ago. Our son has addiction issues, has stabbed a woman and is very abusive toward me over the phone calling me the same name's his Dad did.
I know by saying that my current SO was acting as a sociopath is abusive and should not have done something like that. Because I had made a sound of pain when I bent over to clean up after him, he became very angry today. I really am in pain. He said it was mocking him and that I am jealous as he has family that loves him and I don't have family that loves me. He said people flinch when they see me because I'm a fat, stupid, ugly pig and that no one likes me.
I am not going to do myself in, but I am hoping I pass away soon as I am a failure as a human being and as I'm told I am taking up space in this world.
I understand what people are saying in this article and responses and I just want people to know that when abuse toward a person is embedded, (it is hard to impossible if they can) to get out of it.
I hope this makes people think the next time something mean and degrading comes out of their mouth toward their children or others. It has lasting consequences and weak people like me have never been able to replace what has happened to be able to get out.
I don't know why I have sought people who are like how I was raised and I know there is only one responsible person and that is me...my job was to replace unhealthy behaviors of seeking people like this whom I thought were nice and replace with healthy behaviors.
Sometimes there is no place to go even though people say 'just leave'.
I just got done reading these comments and it has literally changed my life. I have been putting up with my husband's verbal abuse for going on two years now, always believing that he can change. It only takes the head of a pin to set him off, little things, like me stumbling over a rock for him to flip his sh@#$ and say things like: "You are such a stupid bitch, you fucking cunt, why the fuck cant you just take care of yourself instead of being so fucking stupid?! I dont know why the fuck I married you but you are the stupidest person I have ever fucking known." and other equally horrible things. I am a very easy going person and so it frankly shocked me that he would ever call me these things. Plus, I know he loves me to the best of his ability but I am so TIRED of walking on eggshells to try to calm his little anger issues. Marriage is a serious commitment, and I never thought I would go back on this commitment, but he gives me no choice. We have tried everything, I even forced him to take anger management, but he never took it seriously. He takes no precautions in how he speaks to me when he is angry, he has no filter. He just says any and every hurtful thing that comes to mind. The weird thing is, 90% of the time we have what can be classified as the 'perfect' relationship, but that ten percent has completely sent our marriage into the craphole. No one would want to live the rest of their life trying to not piss off their partner in their relationship, and I am definitely not the type of girl to get walked on. I would also NEVER put my children through what he puts me through, and I am not taking any more chances or giving him any more leeway. I am a beautiful, smart girl, and I don't need any man in my life to tell me otherwise. Thank you for the courage, Healthy Place. I am leaving him in four days. Good luck to all you ladies with a similar situation, I hope you find a way to solve the problem.
My husband tells me that I don't know what work is and he won't give me money either. I feel so stuck here!
I hate my life I have no self esteem I feel helplessness hopeless I don't even look towards the future. I have been married for 2 years now and I've been called fat bald head been told I look like a beast and even jumped on several times. Been told that I'm a whoring slur and the list goes on and on...in reading this blog I can relate to you all and I pray the we all get help and get out so..
I have been married for 10 years now to my second husband. When we met it was magic things just flowed and the sex was out of this world. We went through a lot over the years because we were both separated from previous relationships his was ex girlfriend mine an ex husband. We both were fighting for custody of our kids. His ex put him through so much hell even trying to get restraining order against him so he couldn't see his kid, throwing him in jail on false charges and leaving state for over a year not allowing him to see his kid. I stood by him through all of this and much more, being broke, losing twins, and so on. The first time he put his hands on me was in front of my 18mnth old because my thong was showing above my pants when I bent over. He ripped them off while my pants were on, shocked me so I hot mad and he pushed me to the kitchen floor got on top of me grabbed the front of my shirt scratching my chest and slapped me while cursing me all while my 18 mnth old stood watching. Of course he apologized we talked and I thought it was okay. As with most couples we talked and told each other stories of of lives. Bad idea , he uses them against me yet some of mine are nowhere near as bad as his. He slept with his wife's best friend in the rm next to his own rm while his wife was sleeping. As years went buy trust on both parts has decreased. What increased has been his verbal abuse. I'm fat, ugly,lazy, whore,bitch, stupid,cunt,immature,bad mom, and more. I admit I'm not innocent I've made mistakes and he reminds me every chance he gets. Especially when he gets caught doing something that according to him is cheating if I do it, like tonight it will be the second time I found texts to his ex that put him through hell, he's called her naughty girl, reminded her of past events, and when he could just answer in one word about his picking up his kid he goes on and on chatting. She was sick and he sympathized asking if she was okay . He found out she drinks Jameson whiskey so he bought some to try. Anytime he us reminded he is just as guilty as other people he calls me out of name, he has punched and hit me, broken my phone slamming it into a wall, thrown glasses at me with whiskey in them making imprints in walls and punch the bathroom wall making a hole, through the years. It amazes me because he has told me he wanted this girl dead and now he loves texting her. He always apologizes shortly after especially if he can't sleep saying I have to help him sleep. He's held me next to him with force before as well.hell say he didn't mean those thing he said he was angry and it wont happen again but it does every time he's angry I'm a fat nasty lazy cunt bitch stupid whore. What should I think about his new obsession with his ex , he says hes not doing anything wrong but he got so mad she he realized I knew he was still texting her more than he should. Tomorrow hel go to work without saying anything to me , may or may not text or call me meanwhile he may text her because were picking up his daughter for our weekend, and when he comes home everything will still be my fault, if I hadn't made mistakes and been a bitch whore blah blah or the other act as tho he never did anything and my feelings shouldn't be hurt.
Like everyone else who typed in the search box on this subject... I am here. I want to shout to all of you "GET OUT", but... I find that I am one of us that can't. Easier said than done, right? We want to stay because we love them, because we are normal and they have problems... then again, perhaps we have problems that keep us from seeing the truth... or maybe we really do see the truth, but we don't want to admit it because the reality is just too painful.
I've been with my abuser for 15 years. I've been hit, spit on, called every name in the book, manipulated into his "game" and made to feel less than a person, and made to feel like I'm the one who is crazy and wrong. I don't look in the mirror, I don't do anything for myself lest I be called selfish, I don't take care of myself like I used to because I will be yelled at, belittled, and manipulated if I do. I have naturally curly hair, and if any of you have it, you know what a pain it is in humidity.. I straightened my hair today, and he called me a hooker and told me that I was to never wear my hair like that when I am with him. So he's the body builder and of course can look perfect.... fair, right? He tells me he wants me to find someone else, he calls me stupid and that I don't know anything. I wanted to go go church, and he told me he was going to the races (where all the women wear nothing). He uses it against me to control what I do. He also uses gas-lighting to make me feel crazy. (if you don't know what that is, do a search on it, it may make you feel much better!)
Part of me wants to have this over... and hopefully get back the 15 years I lost. I have no friends, I have no family (other than his, of course), and if I do something he doesn't like, I'm manipulated into what he wants. But, like everyone else... I love him. I really do. I see his sickness, but I hope for him to get help. The only person I have in my life that I can talk to is God. He hears me and I feel better. Perhaps it is my choice to get out of this... and if that is the case, then I will know the right time, and then God will give me the strength to do so. I as am without answers as anyone else is who is "in" it.. I do read Isaiah 41:8-21... and it helps me feel better and not so alone.
The hurt is intense, and I wonder if I will ever be normal again. I used to love people, be outgoing, loved life. Now I am reclusive, scared to talk to anyone (or I get in trouble), and I hate my existence. I will keep pressing on until I find the answers... but I've come to find out that maybe the answers are not what I want to hear... then I have a choice to make.
My heart breaks with all of those who have written before me... and I don't feel so crazy and that "it's just me". Thank you for being honest and open. Be careful... it isn't easy and it isn't safe. Just try to use the best judgement you can, fight through the fear and the self-doubt, and do the best you can. We ARE smart, we ARE brave... we just have a beast that is winning right now. But we can survive it... keep seeking the help and affirmation. We'll eventually find the courage and hope to do what we need to do and what is best for us and most importantly, for our kids.
I have a boyfriend. We meet online but haven't seen each other yet. We have plans though. The only problem, whenever he is mad at me he keeps on calling me names, just like now, he called me bitch, fucking ass cunt and stupid many times for one simple mistake which I didnt even know would make him mad cause I never mean anything with what I said. He also always tell he will leave many times but there are days wherein he asked me not to leave him. I am getting confused. I love him and I promised not to leave him. I am not sure what to feel cause this happens everyday.
Don't bother seeing him in person. If he's abusing you online, he's going to abuse you in person. Block him from all social websites and do not read his messages or emails. Sounds harsh, but he is harsher.
Sometimes we make promises that we don't have to keep. When a person behaves the way your online friend behaves, there is no reason to stay faithful or remain in love with them. He obviously doesn't love you (not REAL love) if he can call you all those names and emotionally abuse you daily.
I know exactly how some of these women feel... It's hard to leave my abuser... My husband calls me names (pig, bitch, dumb fu$&, piece of **** and the list goes on)... He is always yelling at me and putting me down and hitting me... He bullies me around and stays on me all he time... He beat me up on our honeymoon and then embarrassed me there... He cursed me out In front of other tourist and threw rocks at me while I was walking away... He followed behind me as we crossed a Main Street and threw our drink cups on me... It was so humiliating and said bitch get out of here so I had to walk back to the hotel by myself... I could tell so many stories from a daily basis but I feel trapped... I have a chronic pain and other problems that keep me down but I can't rest cause if I do he will say I'm lazy or I'm lying... Tonight we were working on a project and he cursed me out and I went inside before he embarrassed me infront of our neighbors... Any advice...
Hi I'm reading all these posts and can related to plenty of these situations. I'm currently in relationship with, what I think is an emotional abuser. We have been together for 5 years. We met online and he seemed like a good guy. We dated and he eventually moved in with me after a year. From then until now, things changed. He constantly tells me I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm an idiot, I'm stupid and the list goes on and on. Initially the name calling devastated me so much. I had never been called so many ugly names. Now I hear the names and I don't let them affect me as much. I know I'm not a stupid person. I'm actually quite intelligent. I don't know if he'll ever change? I'm just tired of all the BS! I'm sick of all this mess!! There's a part of me that wants to breakup but then there's a part of me that doesn't. I know I don't deserve the way he treats me. I tell him if he continues to treat me this way, I'll just break up. He always tells me to go ahead and break up. He says its no big deal for him. He says he'll be ok. He's never told me he loves me and he says we are not in a relationship like I think we are? I'm confused by that? He tells me how unhappy he is and we don't go out anywhere because he doesn't want to be seen with me. I'm don't know what else to do. I mean, I do know what to do but just need to get the courage to do it.
Scroll to the bottom of this page: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/
Download the safety plan. It will help put you in a stronger frame of mind. No one deserves the treatment he dishes out to you. I'm sorry for your circumstances, but circumstances change. Keep changing.
Hi, well I read everything you wrote down and well in my case I wouldn't say it's that bad or physical at all. I've been dating this girl for 4 1/2 years and well what I don't really understand is that for the first 2 1/2 years she was perfectly fine sweet, romantic, funny, fun to be with and well everything just basically started to change like her attitude just basically changed.. I kept and keep asking why she changed so much yet she always tells me the same thing which is I don't know why I just didpeopeople change.. I mean I know she lives in a dysfunctional family her mom is a alcoholic and her dad cheated with multiple womem and took care of their kids yet he/she never really we're there for her.. When I first heard that it broke my heart but the problem is that she uses that and her being half latina and Italian for every little thing but I keep telling her its not a reason... I started to think maybe she had anger issues or something because it was kinda obvious she had a problem.. Whenever id ask a question or would want to talk about my feelings or her's she'd just get really mad and tell me off and just leave and ignore my calls and text.. And well she's always so mean and cold she doesn't show any affection well she occasionally does but not like normal couples would even though im positive I'm far from being in a normal relationship.. So I'm basically not allowed to ask nothing and she always has an excuse to not answer and tell me off... There's so many things that ate just so wrong but I'd be writing forever haha I'm a sensitive guy I'm very caring even though I look like I'm not... Like we tried breaking up but she came back crying begging me and well apparently I got no balls so I accepted her back.. It worked sure for a day then she'd be back to her normal self.. she basically says on a text she sent me one night "your leaving yes I know but anyways you'll be back lol so yay night" she just keeps playing with me basically knowing im sensitive and serious about our relationship yet she just keeps telling me off and playing with me and gets mad and moody whenever she doesn't get what she wants... ( by the way sorry if it isn't clear I just needed to say this even though nobody really gives a #:-@ I'm just tired of this it's my first relationship, I never had a girlfriend I'm 21 and I thought she was the one but everyday is just like hell on earth with her... I'm sorry for what I'm going to say but if she always tells me off I'll just have to say this life is a bitch and I'm f@cking dating one... I'm very a very quiet person and I'm not so good with girls I got lucky to find such gorgeous girl but I guess it was too good to be true... :/
If you think back to that 2 1/2 year mark, did something happen to confirm your commitment to her? Move in together, get pregnant,... something to where she felt she had you hooked? If so, she followed the pathway of an abuser. They show their true selves when you're deeply in love with who they are NOT.
Look, 4 years is a good bit of time to be in a relationship. I can understand not wanting to waste that time, to try to press on and see if she turns back into the sweet sexy thing you thought you were with. It isn't worth it. Cut your losses and get out. You're 21. That's about the age I married my abuser. Spent 17 years in the hell you're experiencing now. She is not worth your life.
Make a plan to leave, then stay gone. It will be hard. She may even give you a glimpse of sweet and sexy to entice you back. Don't be fooled.
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Earlier today i tried to get a loan so i could pay it back ands get credit. My husband was so excited to throw it in my face that he wad going to help me get this loan his grandma was going to co- sign. Basically, it didn't pan out because she didn't make enough in her budgeting. I'm 22, and don't have credit. Anyways, he freaks out on me saying GD what is wrong with everybody wtf and continues to scream ands cuss.I'm keeping my cool the whole time and try to calm him down and he hangs up on me. Btw he's in Afghanistan, And no him being overseas isn't why he acts the easy he does, he wad like this well before he left. Anyways we get off the phone, i message him saying "that's right, it's all my fault, take it out on me" and replies with "shut your gd stupid pathetic f'ing b**** @$$ up, like dont talk top me unless i say something to you first". He says stuff like this all the time and i ask him what i can do in certain situations so he won't blow up on me and he just says don't piss me off. He's completely controlling, He's accused me of sleeping with two different bosses, which is completely ridiculous as they're much older and not attractive to me, besides the fact I'm married and so are they. I don't want to leave him. I feel like I've tried everything to fix things. I moved away from my friends and family to live near his family so now I'm here all by myself in a house thats falling completely apart, that he hasn't even lived with me in because i moved in the day after he left. I've made so many sacrifices to be with him and he doesn't even acknowledge it. He calls me stupid every day, the other day he said your just like all the other sluts I've been with, He's always threatening leaving me like i got rid of my car because he wad going to crap before i moved here now I'm driving his, He threatened to leave me with nothing in this crappy town full of meth heads. he called earlier only after telling me to just leave him if I'm so unhappy and he said he wishes i would because he'd be much happier, He asks a question about the loan, i was so mad at this point i said why the f*** does it matter? ! Don't talk to me, he messages me saying good night sweet dreams i love you. ...right after he says how happy hew would be if i left. On a lighter note we do have good days we laughed so hard the other day he can be so sweet, funny, charming, And just make me so happy. Then he runs it. We are suppose to go on a cruise for our honeymoon, And he drops a bomb on me saying he's invited his ex gf and his best friend, who have married each other, on our cruise. I was so mad ands he couldn't wrap his head around why i was mad. Thankfully they declined, the fact he would even invite people on a trip that's suppose to be intimate ands private and celebrating our marriage....I'm running our of ideas with him. It would kill me to leave him though because even after all the terrible hurtful things he says, j love him. I xant imagine being without him. Even if i did wall away, who would be with him and put up with it?! He also had a really bad child hood his dad was an abusive controlling drunk and his mom is and has been on every drug you can think of. my dad was like that when i was little but i dont act out like that..maybe he dealt with it differently? I guess just looking for input from a stranger lol if someone even bothers to read this.
My boyfriend of 2 years is normally quite an angry person in general it doesn't take a lot to make him flip, the first signs are when we are in public he'll say weird things like "stop talking" and the other night we ended up in a domestic he was saying things to me like "I hate to look at you, you disgust me" when I went to leave he grabbed my arms and dragged me and threw me on the sofa although he wasn't hitting me I still found it disgusting and whenever I cry he says "why are you crying? Turning on the water works" or "I'm a pig" "I'm a slut" "I hate you" "I'm going back to my ex" although we've now apologised and are good as can be I'm just scared for the next time he's angry, he does have really good traits to him, he doesn't agree with hitting or raping woman, but he has said "you make me want to hit you" everytime I mention looking into anger management he doesn't agree with it.
I hope you leave him, Paige. Until then, download this safety plan: http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/comprehensive-safety-plan-print.pdf