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Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

April 29, 2012 Kellie Jo Holly

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same. Read this.

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
  • "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
  • "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
  • "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
  • "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
  • "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
  • "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
  • "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
  • "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
  • "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
  • "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
  • "You always look like God stomped on your face."
  • "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
  • "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
  • "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they've said.
  • Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same.Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:


You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals , and social media pages on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. Buy her books from Amazon.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 20 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Bobbie
says:
March, 7 2013 at 5:11 pm
I was in an abusive relationship for approximately 2 1/2 years with my youngest child's "father". Everything started as any normal relationship does I suppose. We got along good and never had any sort of arguments. Then everything changed and he changed right before my eyes. It started with "jokes" in public about my appearance or personality. If I said something that was naive he would make sure he commented on it to embarass me but in the form of a joke. That behavior went on for quite awhile. When I mentioned it to him he told me that I was being too sensitive. For awhile I actually thought that could be the case so I let things go. Just ignored the comments you could say. Then came the sarcasm. I was never sure if he was trying to be humorous or hurtful. My self esteem started dropping drastically while these things were going on. I ended up getting pregnant and I remember him telling me to get an abortion. I stood up for myself and told him there was no way that was going to happen. We got into an argument one night and he grabbed me by both if my arms so hard he left black and blue marks. I remember trying to find clothing that would cover it up even though it was summertime. I thought the bruises had gone away and my mom saw them. Like many abused women I told her I hurt myself at work. Then, while still pregnant, he threw me down onto a bed. He was constantly looking at other women in front of me. He would tell me it was my problem and to just "deal with it." Then I had my daughter and man was she beautiful. He didnt stay in the hospital with us. He told me itvwasn't comfortable and he was going home to sleep. Once home he would constantly yell at me and get in my face with these crazy looking eyes. Most abused women will know what I mean. He has spit on me, choked me, pushed me, thrown me down, cut himself in front of me, threatened to call the police due to marks I put on him defending myself, threatened to take my daughter from me, threatened to call CPS on m, said he should've killed me, has broken my drivers door to my car, punched my rearview mirror breaking it while I was driving down the highway at 65 miles an hour WITH my daughter in the car. When I went to leave the first time he said he was buying shotgun shells and he was going to kill himself. That time was before the physical abuse. Alot of emotional abuse transpired as well. Every name in the book and things like "I look at other women cause you have no breasts", "I'm looking at other women to replace you because you aren't attractive to me anymore". He said that one while we were out with my daughter who was a few months old. I don't view him as a dad so I use "my daughter". When I left him I had my daughter in her stroller as I was bringing things out to put into the car. That way I could keep her with me at all times. He started throwing our things out of my car, including her car seat. His mother was there and totally confused so I told her I was leaving cause her son was abusive towards me. Of course he denied it. I continued pushing her in the stroller while gathering my things. He got in my car and claimed he was going with me cause he had things at my mom's house. I told him to "get the f out if my car". Once he got out I had both my daughter and myself locked in the car. He was trying to get in and slapping the windows and trying to open the doors. Once he realized he was locked out he stood behind my car. I got out to tell his mom to make him move. He ran up and pushed my drivers door so far forward he bent the hinges and I couldn't close it. His mother helped me close it and I left without the stroller. I now have a wonderful man who I am engaged to who has NEVER raised a hand to me or my daughter. It took some time but I found him. To all the women out there going through this......please leave! Don't wait hoping he will change. You or your children can afford to stay in that kind of environment. You know what else? You ARE beautiful. You ARE smart. You ARE special. It's not your fault so don't you EVER think it is! Leaving a relationship like this is scary but its sooo worth it. You deserve to be happy and never settle for less. Much love ladies. Stay true to you or no one else will. Leave and start getting back to you. Stop hurting and blaming yourself. They are not even close to being worth your time or energy. Take it from someone who knows.
Rik
says:
March, 6 2013 at 9:11 am
This is great to see help out there!
But I'm a bloke and it say nothing that can help me!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
March, 14 2013 at 12:21 am
Why not, Rik? You don't see the patterns of abuse in your relationship?
urbanlegend711
says:
March, 6 2013 at 7:46 am
I feel so lost and battered lately. Five years ago I left a physically/mentally abusive relationship, and fell into the arms of one of my closest friends. At first, everything was great...he made me feel awesome and special. But there were little signs...like he'd flip out if I panicked about something or if he yelled and I cringed he'd get mad and say He's not my ex...don't treat him like he is. We have been engaged for 4 years, we live together, we have pets together and our finances are intertwined. Things get better for a while when I break down and fall apart and threaten to leave. He tries...but over time he falls into playing video games every night, ignoring household chores, and flipping out about my animals, or my spending, or my friends. He's always been a jokester, but lately he calls me things like "cunt" (I HATE that word and he knows it), then when I get upset he says "IT's just a word...you have to be an adult and not let words get to you." Or he says "I just don't feel like sex anymore..with anyone" and will go days without even giving me a kiss or hug...but when I cry and tell him I feel lonely and unloved he says he doesn't want me to feel that way; he's sorry. He will be more careful what he says. My family hates him (he's made fun of my little brother and insulted them too), my friends don't want to do things with both of us (they don't like him either), but I love him. I feel like he doesn't mean to treat me badly; his mom physically and mentally abused him as a kid...I know he grew up not knowing love....

I feel torn..I have friends and family that keep telling me to get out; it won't get better. But I feel like I'll be letting him down if I leave. I'm physically sick and emotionally destroyed....

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
March, 14 2013 at 12:23 am
You are "physically sick and emotionally destroyed"...and you're worried about letting him down? He's let you down. The relationship isn't what you signed up for. You have to take care of yourself first.
DAWN
says:
March, 3 2013 at 8:17 am
I have been in a physical, emotional, mental abuse marriage for years. My children are grown and I have left and came back several times. Such a cycle. Even got divorced and remarried after lots of counseling with our minister. About 3 years later its is all back again. Now have one home with a grandchild for a few months for personal reaaons. I need to get out and I know this, just very scary and need someone to talk to. Its so hard because a few weeks go by and its good then bam here it comes again. I have alot of bills and such and am afraid cant make it on my own. I have taken care of everybody so long and now dont know how to take care of mayself. Anyone else have this happen?
Rose
says:
March, 2 2013 at 7:20 pm
I am so concerned for my daughter. Before she got married she was full of life, bubbly,TRULY HAPPY, and just no care in the world. Then she began pregnant and was over the top with excitement,her husband not so much!
Now 2 months after the baby is here, T is just a jerk. Your cheating on me, I can't trust you, why don't you get a job? Get off your lazy butt and doing something.
She is sooooo depressed!!! She just crys,not happy at all. I encourage her to get out but she doesn't want to break her family up. What do I do? I love her so much.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
March, 5 2013 at 5:51 pm
Hi Rose, Please visit <a href="http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/how-to-help-domestic-abuse-victim/" rel="nofollow">"How to Help An Abuse Victim"</a> and tell me what you think.
Maryjo Morrison
says:
March, 1 2013 at 8:38 am
For Barney...Find a church where you can be surrounded by love and care...Good one's do exist, I am a living testament to that. Just as Women do, so also do Men need guidance and nurturing so don't recoil or isolate b/c you might be afraid someone won't think you've not been Man enough to take her on! God thinks your Man enough and he should be the only one your concerned with How he might think of you or perceive you...Run to Him...God loves you so much...Mj
GREEDY45
says:
February, 28 2013 at 7:37 am
In my case verbal abuse was a part of me since the age of five. I grew up around my mom and stepdad and witness it for a couple of years and than when she was upset she would act the same towards me. became a man at the age of 31 to understand life and what we have and then in minutes it lost because of immaturity and the way i reacted to a simple problem.both were mellow type of couple so we let anger built for years but there is always a breaking point.My ex had every right to feel like if i was cheating on her because of my past yet when my first daughter jasmsine came into our life.I look at her and told myself i wouldnt want nobody cheating on her so i made her a promise not to cheat on her mom but the scar were already there ex.This was at the age of 17...our fights were like 10 minutes a hurrican bad word eachother you name it got worst i started using drugs to ignor the problem she used verabl insult me and i kept kool until the drug was all gone.my addition made see the anger that i held in her...But then we would be happy it worked for 15 years..I modivated her to get her licence to go to school..But when i went to school she thought i was flirting with all the girls.I didnt attend graduation cause i didnt want to hear the nonsense.Yet when she graduate she went i felt she was neverous i found phone number of guy and i was upset were i looked like the idoit fighting infront of her family.So i started calling her names now i realize and i feel bad because she was always really on my side we always help one another apart from the negative.. i think as a couple we need to listen and understand one another we live in a world where there no time for that..So i got in trouble with the law went to prison at the 33 first time and my only freind cause i was a family man was drifting aways and that when i made inventory of my flawsto realize i was wrong and thing with my heart not with my brain..and karma is real and its not funny at age 35 i got with this girl within a week of being together verbaly insulted me i was like what...it last 3 months she got pregenat with shyala my lil girl..jan 2013 i get call social service that shyala mom shook her and she rushed her to the ememergince room her excuse was shayla was cryen and they had a photoshoot and she was stress out...i am just finding that she has always been a escort and her mom and sister..she told my family i gave her a std....I havent called her name but i told this not the life i want so i walked away when she told me she was pregnat but i been there bought the baby and its alway been a fight so i stayed aways i thought i was the problem so if i stayed aways maria would be stressed out and take out on the baby,iam finding out she lives the baby with stanger. now i now my ex didnt deserve me calling her names over something that she wasnt doing....now i stay aways from shyala mom i went to seek for help from differnce resource and it suck i got to wait till court date now i find out she named shyala as her ex boyfreind initials...verbal abuse is not ok but as a human you could only take so much and words scar and never heal but if you have communication any thing can be done cause it take two to start a fight and take a real man or man to walk away from it and not judge the other person that comes along to be the same every one deserve the benifit of the doubt..a quick view of my own personal life
Hannah
says:
February, 27 2013 at 10:31 am
I can't assess my situation and would like to read comments. I started smoking 2 1/2 years ago after several years of stress (fighting for his kids from a previous marriage). I also had undiagnosed situational depression. I never smoked in the past nor has my husband. He won't touch me anymore and has said things like "Smokers are as close to scum as you can get." I get constant comments and dirty looks. I smoke about 4-6 cigs/day and do it outside. He said that I must think smoking is more important than my relationship. That is not true. I would never treat him like dirt if he started smoking.
koladia
says:
February, 21 2013 at 12:22 pm
Thank you for this. Even though I am not in a verbal relationship my last one ended. I honestly thought it was because I had a panic attack and said some awful things I didn't mean. I cried and cried and apologized and agonized over it and felt horrible, but the guy wouldn't accept it. I thought I was a "verbal abuser." But I admitted I was wrong, apologized, and never denied any of it. On the flip side, he blamed the whole thing on me and wouldn't even take responsibility for his part so maybe it's a good thing as that could have gotten very bad emotionally. I am so sorry for anyone that has gone through stuff like this. I had a friend that had a verbally abusive husband which later turned into physical abuse.
nancy
says:
February, 19 2013 at 5:40 pm
My heart goes out when I hear these storys.I was abuse from my father always hitting me, would tell me I came out like my mother.She had an affair with his brother. Always blame me.His parents help raise my sister and I was 5 years old when they got divorse.I had so much shame growing up at 17 i hooked up with a older guy who worked and would take me out later got pregnet and he started abusing me.We were together for 8 years.One day while he went to work after having two children ages 5 and 3 i desided to plan to leave him before he kill me or I would kill him. Then months later I met another guy which didnt hit me but had a drinking problem but loved and care for my children and that was the only reason I got close to him. Well he cheated and spend all his money at the bars and on whores.But later he promise he was going to change we started going to church and got married.Well that lasts only a year but again another relationship.I kept going to church and I ask Jesus Christ into my heart and would get stronger. So last straw was when after being married he stayed out all night and I saw a hicky on his neck I ran into the kitchen and grabed a knife to kill him.He ran out the door after that I desided I needed to stay alone for awhile to heal from all my broken hearts.I got strong worked and raised my sons.But I do have to say to everyone who stays it will effect your childrens.My sons have anger problems and the oldest always blames me.For everything that goes wrong in his life. I am now married again to a man who dont drink or cheat loves me but I view him has a weak man never sticks up for him self and i find my self being the abuser now which I hate but working on it with Gods help.Life is strange but I promise my self no man would abuse me ever again.God bless
niki
says:
February, 19 2013 at 8:12 am
me and my boyfriend have been together for 3years there is an 11year age difference between us he is 30 and im 19.

It all started when i left home 3 months after being found out we are seeing each other from my mother i then had a choice him or my family i chose him , we then stays in a flat on the top floor that was over 100 years old it was cold and gloomy he always worked and i stayed at home with no family just him, we then started arguing over silly things and with my emotions being all over the place it didn't help , i started to get depression and anxiety all i wanted to do was lock myself away and never go out i have a dog as well and because of her she was the only reason i would get out of bed each day so i could walk her , feed her etc...

so we lived in this flat for 6 months arguing constantly and me keeping my secret of having depression on the 6month of living there one night he was working and i just broke down i wanted to kill myself police came my bf had me down to the ground so i could not move i had been secretly self harming , my bf had to get into contact with my family to let them know and my gran and mother come running in the house with a neighbour i had to go see help etc..

they then got me put into a new flat where i felt so much happier and my head was alot lighter but after maybe a month our arguments slowly started to happing and they have now increased alot , he doesn't realise and provokes me and i tell him to walk away or leave the room and i can calm down and breathe but he doesn't he keeps going threatening to call my family or saying i need help etc... i then reply back to defend myself and it gets more heated we swear , scream and shout at each other and a good few times he has got in my face and calling me names or grabs my ankles and knows i dont like it so i would hit him but to defend myself to break free from him now its gotten to the point where it will end up in things getting chucked across the room or me thinking about death and trying to kill myself , i just dont know what to do anymore.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
February, 20 2013 at 3:43 am
It sounds like you do need to seek professional help to figure some things out. I don't mean to imply your relationship problems are your fault! I am encouraging you to seek therapy so you can get a handle on what is happening in your life and to treat the possible depression you experience. Can you go back to your family? It would be great if you could start to sort things out in a more supportive environment far away from your boyfriend. Your boyfriend does not care that saying "you need help" in a derogatory way DOES NOT help you at all. I hope you find a healthier environment sooner rather than later.
alejandra n
says:
February, 16 2013 at 6:28 pm
i really need some advice on my relationship with my husband can you please tell where I get help?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
February, 19 2013 at 10:09 am
Go to http://www.thehotline.org The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a valuable resource in and of itself BUT they can also tell you where to find local help. It sounds like you need to talk and the volunteers at the hotline are great listeners!
Nancy Fox
says:
February, 12 2013 at 1:44 pm
I want to know how to fix me. I have never had a man treat me good. I've been beat, tormented and verbally attacked my whole adult life. I AM NOW 48.

The latest tells me what's funny is to take my clothes off and look in the mirror. He calls my psycho bitch, cunt, whore , stupid just to name a few. He cheats, stands me up and has never bought me a gift. He doesn't pay my bills. I know I shouldn't be with him, but I don't know why I stay. I know he is bad. I want to be happy
Tara
says:
February, 11 2013 at 10:26 am
Iam very confused about my relationship me and my partner have been together for 7yrs now I have been with him since I was 16 Iam now 23 and have two children with him I know that when we first got together it was amazing I was so in love with him I'm not the prettiest girl so I used to be so grateful I had a bf that was so nice to me and loved me so much there were times when I would look at him while he was sleeping and just cry because I was so happy to have him months went pass and he started to say really mean things and make me think he didn't love me anymore he would tell me I don't think I can be with someone so obsessive your to full on then a few months went by we would argue and he would always kick me out of his house and watch me from the window as it rained outside calling me the most horrible names. I used to feel so helpless I started to cheat I was seeing this other guy and tried to break up with my x but he came to the guys house and smashed my car and put me on show I front of him i know I have ruined this relationship by cheating but the guy I was seeing made me feel like a princess and I was so young I didn't know any better yrs went by and our relationship turned to shit he was always looking up Internet girls and porn cheating and lies was all our relationship was built on at 19 yrs old I feel pregnant to him I was undecided on wether to have the baby because he was also very hooked on pot and talked shit and never took anything serious but he promised me he would change I was going to change for him to I had all my goals and plans set out we moved into a unit together and tried to change our lives but he just wouldn't stop with the abuse calling me names 24/7 telling me I was a fat bush pig even tho I was pregnant I put up with it hoping he was going to change when the baby came but things only ended up getting worse he was hiding a phone that I got of my mom and I just went missing one day I always thought I left it in the car and it got stolen and he everyday he was saying
To me oh next door stole our phone and he took my car too work one day and there it was sitting under the seat I was so angry it all made sense of why he was abusing me so much I rang my landlord and told him I was moving the. He said we both have to move then we were pretty much split up and I was a single mom that was lost one of he's friends that I had never liked started to see what he was doing to me he then became so nice to me and when my x would abuse me he would tell me that I'm not what he says and we became really close he would treat my son so good I ended up falling for him and we were seeing each other for a while anyways my x found out and because it was he's mate things got even worse my x wanted me back so we got back together I have had another kid to him and everyday I get abused over small things he constantly brings up me cheating but has forgotten what he has done to me everyday he calls me a big nose fat bitch tells me things like he hates sleeping with me because he watched me have two kids and it grossed him out he tells me things like rooting chicks in brothels have tighter vaginas then mine says he hates looking at my body because I have scars all over my stomach and that makes him sick He tells me I'm a piece of shit of a mother I need to kill myself and the thing is when we got back together we agreed no more cheating and no more abuse I have stuck to my promise but I still get abused everyday when I say to him there's no need to call me names he brings up the past and says its my fault I have to watch what I say to him like yesterday I spoke up for myself and all I said was what's taking you so long hurry the F up and he got across the road and started to yell shut up ya fat slut you knew we had to come over here ya fukn bird beek talking about my nose I have finally had enough my daughter used to walk around saying fat bitch mommy fat bitch she's 2 and my son at 3 calls me big nose every day I want to kill myself I have even wet myself in the corner crying my eyes out and my partner comes over the top of me tips water in my hair spits on me and tells me to stop whippering he has hit me pushed me and even tells my kids when I go in the room and cry ohh don't worry kids your mothers doesn't give a shit about yous and then wallks around muttering to himself ya can't even attend to your own children ... My mother not long ago was raped and he says things like suck shit ya mom got rapped that's what need ps to happen to you I'm so scarred from all this but I can't help to think is it my fault even tho I kno now because I have tried so hard and the abuse doesn't stop I try to do everything for him and just get shat on I'm. Not aloud out I have no freinds left I just want to kill myself
Tanika
says:
February, 10 2013 at 8:25 pm
My mom calls me a stupid whore and bitch and you mother fuck ans pushes me around and threats me that she will call the cops on me and lots of other thing I have thout about killing my self 43 times 19 times I've almost did. She doesn't even remember my birthday. Plus when she messes up I get blamed for it and punished for it.then she says if I don't shut the f-up she is going to choke me out. Then gets my uncle and my uncle comes in my room and beats me. This is all because I tryed to stand up for my self against my mom. Then I go under my blankets and cry my self to sleep. Then my uncle tells me to shut my fucking mouth before he goes in there and shuts my mouth for me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I was born with with ADHD,ODC,ODD,I'm otistic or how ever you spell that. Yeah I suck at spelling. Plus a belly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
February, 12 2013 at 9:44 am
Do you attend school? Or go to church? Please tell someone what is going on at home. You need some help, Tanika. It isn't your fault what they're doing to you.

Remember that you can always call the police. You can reach them via 911, and if it isn't an emergency they will direct you to the correct place to call.
JOann
says:
February, 4 2013 at 3:40 am
Hello, I had move to west coast from east coast, with only knowing my boyfriend and this were great for a couple months. then he started calling me names and saying i was lying. my mom is very sick with a stroke back east so me and my daughter packed up to spend time with her. granted i was only to be theit 3 months but turned into 6. anyway he rushed me back. my son was still on the east coast with his dad so i had brought hum back with me. things have got bad, he always picks and bullys my daughter, calls her names, she 11 and going through the changes soon, calls her baby and even said shes a peice of shit. my son 17 and he calls him lazy and a fag, which hes not neither. anything you ask my kids to do,they do. i am called a bitch, trash, no good, free loader, but i work. good for nothing, whore,he says he feels like stabbing me,i need to go, get out, go away, we dont even have sex you are like a dead fish, well ofcourse be called all this and treat my kids like crap to, how do you expect me to be. i cook,clean and my job is to take care of his mom and i do that 24-7 with no help from him. its sad.i drove my car from east to west and he only gave me money to sleep in a hotel 1 night, so i drove and it took me 2 and a half days, with two kids. i drove my car into the ground and its been sitting since aug of 2012, he will not help me get it fixed, his broke and got it fixed the next day. he brings almost 3000 hime every month, compared to my 1000 and askes me for money. whats with that, i dont mind helping but i cant respect someone who talks like that to me or my kids. when i talk to my friends, i get who you talking to. i have no friends here. im told to bow to him, he says its a joke though. i dont even have no one here to talk to. i have no where to go. in need of a frined to talk to. please email me at itsjoey2@yahoo.com
April
says:
February, 1 2013 at 6:58 pm
I went down hard with a brain tumor in November of 2011, and have since had a hard time coming to terms with being brain injured. I have very little memory because of the damage that was done in the surgery and because of the hydrocephalus that I developed because of the tumor. My husband has since decided that it's fun to make fun of me for being brain damaged. He has publicly poked fun at me because of my memory issues. He denies that this is mean when someone says something to him about it. He has gone so far as to tell me that as hard as my recovery is for me, it's twice as hard on him, because I'm not able to work the way I used to. Would this behavior count as abusive?? He says it is not when my daughter tells him off for it, but other people seem to be really offended and uncomfortable when he is saying these things. I just don't know...I do know that before I got sick, I would never have put up with being treated this way.
Katie
says:
January, 31 2013 at 5:38 pm
kmr, get to your local hospital there are couselors that deal with domestic abuse and there is a domestic abuse hotline somewhere you can call. I don't know where you live but starting with counseling is a good idea. Hospitals should take you even if you don't have insurance, by sliding scale and if you have no money, try your department of transitional assistance to apply for temporary money, they are run by the state, tell them your situation too, maybe they can help you. You can get food stamps too, and stay away from married men, and just stay away from men for a while if you can, no one deserves to be insulted . You did not deserve the treatment you got. Good luck
Kay
says:
January, 27 2013 at 7:41 am
My husband was continually abused verbally by his mom growing up. He is still reeling from it, and since she still does it on occasion which I have witnessed. She even does it when she is speaking to me some times when he isn't around. I have been looking everywhere for a book that we can read so that he can get a grip on his feelings regarding this issue and so we can work it out together, but so far all I have come across is books on men abusing wives. Does anyone know of anything that exists that could be of some help to him/us? Thank you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
January, 27 2013 at 9:06 pm
Have you tried <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0313356181/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0313356181&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=verbabusjou02-20" rel="nofollow">Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1935166301/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=1935166301&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=verbabusjou02-20" rel="nofollow">In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060928972/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0060928972&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=verbabusjou02-20" rel="nofollow">Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You</a>?
kmr
says:
January, 9 2013 at 9:01 am
since my teen years I've dated and married men that wanted to take care of me, would not let me pursue employment. if I did get work I would be accused of things, and my earnings taken, forcefully, than they would yell what a worthless whore I was. skank etc.(I learned to hate myself the way they did) I dedicated my life to husband, every waking moment to his wants and needs. while mine left ignored. now I am 46yrs old abandoned in 09... still have needs, medical (lupus &amp; cancer), dental, accused of many ugly things. no support. I have no vehicle, or career, do not recognize the computerized world I been thrown into and have no clue how I will survive. me or my child who is eleven and may have talent I could not explore in his younger years. husband wouldn't allow it. i was told that this is how it's always been for women when husbands deny them, the women become whores and that is my destiny so accept it. truthfully, I would make a terrible whore, I hate sex (I am bad at it)and traumatized by people, rejected and not taken seriously, beaten, raped, there is more. I isolate. is there anything to help overcome? Turn this around to a successful end? New beginning for child and I as success for leaving him? I left everything except my child. Child is counting on me and prayers being answered to help his mom help us... He prays someone has a truck or car to release it to mom, and someone willing to train mom on a job will pay the bills and not need any help from another man financially so mom don't have to give away the money for a black eye or broken nose again. no more cleaning up blood. and a peaceful, enjoyable life in these last years with mom alone...love my child so much. also be surrounded by a few good people in life, not haters
shel
says:
January, 1 2013 at 5:35 am
am i in an abusive relationship. my partner calls me a slag and a slut constantly throws my past in my face. i walk on an egg shell if its not what he wants to hear he has a go or puts the phone down on me. he calls my kids spoilt brats and does nowt but snap and snarl at them. he doesnt help around the house and wined i got a job i did and now am stupid for gettin one! hes now telling me am abusive cos i try amd stand my ground when he has a go. i used to cry when he had a go and call me names now i silently cry other wise he just says turn the water works off he constanly threatnss to leave and at pay day threatnes to gake all the wages so i cant pay the bills. my kids used to fink the world of him my youngest now tels him to pack his bags

to add to the above he tells me he doesnt sleep with me cos he cant stand me but then nights later hes over me like a rash. i call him fat cunt when he has a go and al he ever replies with is u need surgery the state a u i lost ten stone but now wish i hadnt.
elena
says:
December, 18 2012 at 9:20 am
Hi

I think I'm in a verbal abusive relationship when we started dating everything was the best thing ever but by time passed he started tellin me things like if I were talkiN to a guy friend is because I wanted to fuck him or I had already done it would bring me down in seconds an ill cry an hell tell why am I cryin theirs nothing to cry about if I'm gonna be loike just go home and cry somewhere else. We can't have a nice conversation without him tellin me something about me having sex with someone else I try everything soo that he can stop treating me the way he does I'm not gonna lie theirs days when he's the nicest an I remember wen we first started but that only last for a couple of hrs he checks my phone which I don't care cuz I'm not hiding anything but if I want to look at his he doesn't let me he get mads an tells me things an endups telling me to go home that I don't need to be lookin at he's phone he says he luvs me he took me to meet his family but he started telling me things that supposely I like his brother which I just had met an dat hurt soo he left me alone da whole time I was there with his family an I have a really hard time hiding my feeling an cry real easily but he doesn't care he will say that I started I luv him but I don't know wuyt to do his mom tells me that he does luv me an dat he's stupid but still it hurts that he treats me like shit an dat he brakes up with me for wutever reason help me please

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
December, 18 2012 at 9:45 am
The only cure is to remove him from your life. Let him go. No one can make him change, but if you leave and he wants you back, he may go into treatment and change his ways. FYI - he'll be one of the few abusers who do.

I'm sorry that I can't help you any further. Read the blog and get an idea of what you're facing. Abuse is no joke and there is no easy cure. There is NO CURE you (victim of abuse) can impose on him.
unknown
says:
December, 17 2012 at 11:49 am
I would like to let everyone know that there has been someone that has caused me emotional agony these past few days "Example" messing with my car, not being able to take walks without guys looking at me weird, females and males looking at me and grinning at me when that happens bad things happen me or to my car. My kids saying things like I have been punished enough and other things like the such. I feel sometimes that my life and my health is in jeopardy everyday I wake up from bed. I hate feeling this way, not knowing what is going to happen to me. I feel that this is not a life for me. I feel that I am going to end up in the hospital in the mental section because of people being abusive. I say that it is "REALLY" sad that men cannot take a hint when they are not invited into my circle. I am not saying that every man wants me. No, just saying that desperate men are willing to kill me emotionally at any cost to get it their way. Someone told me that I am being paranoid and I am not. I know what I see and I know what people are doing to me. I hope the police catches whom ever is causing me emotional stress towards me. This person must be good in finding ways to provoke me and frighten me. He will never leave me alone I already know that.

I feel like this person will never leave me alone. I spoke to someone and this person told me that I was paranoid and that is not true. someone has tampered with my car and my kids say weird things to me like I heard something like ” I was punished enough” after finding out that someone had tampered with my car again! and I have emailed the police and still things have happened. Someone told me that I think that all men want me and that is not true. I know that all men don’t want me. I wonder how people can live with themselves doing things to me. I feel violated and really stressed out. I would be very happy to let the police know who has been harassing me. I have been told that it is my fault that I am being harassed and stalked by these men. I don’t need this aggravation in my life. Will they stop, who knows.

I never thought for one second that every man wanted me. But here comes someone that I thought that would be a nice person and says all these things like I am paranoid,I am not. I really don’t give a dam if a man looks at me or not. I could care less. I don’t care if they can offer me the moon and the stars, I don’t give a dam! frankly I have a brain that still works even if it is injured. But there will be serious consequences for them when they get caught. I don’t care if they laugh right now but they will legally get it. There are consequences to aggravated harassment that is a crime, and they will get theirs.
emy
says:
December, 16 2012 at 8:30 pm
Dear Barney,
Why did you want her back? So you could see your son? The siutation is bad for your kids too. You need to start documenting everything and get some witnesses to see how she behaves. Call the cops on her about the weed if you have to (make sure you don't smoke it). Then you can have custody of the kids not her. You can get a live in Nanny to look after the kids or have your family help you. Her behaviour is already hurting the kids. Is that how you want to teach your sons how to be a man? They see how she is treating you and they will grow up and may start resenting you. They may learn to hate women and become abusive. She's behaving this way because she's getting away with it and she acts nice sometimes to keep you hoping for something better. It's not you. You're not bad because she is behaving badly. She's the one who is wrong. Why are you taking this from her? You may be in your child ego state and you are letting her be the abusive parent. Were you abused by any females as a child? You are not a child now. You are a man and you don't have to feel like you are bad anymore. Remember, you are not a child anymore and you don't have to take this woman's sh-t even if you were the one to pursue her again. That doesn't mean she gets to do whatever she wants. Make plans to get out of that situation with the kids.
Barny
says:
December, 15 2012 at 9:27 am
Hello all. I am in an abusive relationship. We have 2 beautiful boys. She is angry all the time. 8 years of tantrums and accusations. Smashing and throwing. Her tore baffled me. How do I react to an angry hate filled person? I can't see my friends, I work 12 hours shifts days/nights. On my days off if I want to see anyone even family just for an hour she screams, tells me to not come back. I'm lazy and do nothing at her house( I sold my house after pur first son born to get another together) she left me an took my baby and became pregnant with another. Then took me back and he is my beautiful son now. Other man she hates apparently. Spends all our money on weed. Goes out all the time but says she never goes out. I was happy once. Lots of friends now none. I can't watch tv at hers. Can't eat unless she does. Can't smoke unless she is. Can't talk to any women even mothers from boys school without anger at home. Crying. Then when she has weed money clothes chocolate all good again. I AM A MAN. I'm starting to believe its me. I clean up always an never complain about the mess. I make the dinners. I was told tonight agter 12 hour day that I wasn't allowed a bath. Never allowed to sleep in, days off take boys to school but go nowhere else. She sleeps in. I am a good person I think. I don't know anymore. I am sorry for you all. I am. Please have good and happy lives.
stacey
says:
December, 13 2012 at 3:17 pm
I have been married 23 yrs and have been called every name in the book, I hate the C word.. I have had my cell phone shut off text blocked, data blocked, so many times it makes me hate cell phones.
He had the sprint family locator locate my phone saying I was with in several miles and showed an address so he assumed I must be with some guy,have been falsely accused of cheating,seeing some one,trying to set him up..He has called me, text me non stop when I'm sleeping and threatens to shut off my phone..Shocking..When he works out of town he calls me all hrs accusing me of cheating..Paranoid I'm cheating,even asked our three grown daughters if mom is seeing some guy.He has always self medicated with meth every once in awhile but now it seems this yr is the worst..he has been self medicating with meth every two weeks, from what I have started to keep track of. He is very hyper sexual,watches porn on Tv and his phone when hes high or manic. But he lies,
lies,lies,lies about everything but accuses me of lying.He has taken my keys, gone through my purse phone..Says everything is his.We rent don't own,because of bad credit,his gambling and poor money decisions.The bank account is in my name because of his check writing history,so his check are deposited in my bank but he has a card to it. He has had his checks sent to him out of town instead of deposited into the bank to pay bills. He always drains the bank account but makes 100,000 a yr...Yet we are always broke.He says very mean hurtful things.He thought I was lying when i said I was on my period and wanted to see if I really was...He has always been verbally abusive when the girls were young,but I thought he was just being a jerk,tired from work. he worked out of town most of the girls young lives so i was like a single working married mother...His father verbally abused him and physically abused him. I used to fight back but that one time I ended up with a broken nose.. When he is normal he can be amazing, fun,giving.loving,tells me I'm the world to him, he says I'm beautiful,he's lucky to have me then flips a switch and says hurtful things.One of our daughters was diagnosed with bipolar 1 so I'm guessing he is bipolar too.He was diagnosed with adult ADHD after a physical fight. He went to jail ,took a anger management classes and they said hes full blown ADHD. He is the one that works and pays for everything so he holds that over my head,while I do all the cooking,cleaning,laundry,take out the garbage,clean the garage.i I have worked in the past and still took the girls to school,sports,doc,dentist apts.. but with a daughter that was diagnosed bipolar 4 yrs ago makes it tough.She cant work,sometimes cant sleep,gets very verbally abusive and angry and that's hard enough knowing suicide rate is high for bipolar rapid cyclers.my other two daughter moved out a few yrs ago and ....I'm in hell living in a house with a 22 yr old bipolar daughter and I believe a ADHD/Bipolar husband..he even make my life hell when he works out of town,where he has gotten drunk or did drugs while he had to work the next day.He has gone out all night and has come home the next morning with some lie of where he was.When he is high or manic he lurks around the house,though FBI was in the attic, or heard voices coming from the bathroom vent, thinking hes going to catch some guy in the house Its creepy.I'm 46 yrs old and don't have time for these games. He demands all my email and passwords,constantly goes though my phone,changes my voice mail password, and if I get mad he will quit his job and drive home or not deposit the check into the bank. He always seems distracted and doesn't listen very well,hince the ADHD...very messy,disorganized,forgetful,loses everything.pees on the toilet seat, doesn't clean up his messes wherever he is....couch,kitchen,bedroom exc...Oh and he has bough me jewelry over the yrs but it always ends up back in the pawn shop.i have lost things in the pawn shops over the yrs. Some birthdays,Christmas's he didn't get me anything but always tried to make up for it later with here is 100 bucks go by yourself something.One yr all stocking we stuffed but mine...not surprising..I stuffed the stockings and told him don't forget mine...but he did.he ever went to the casino Christmas morning..Every holiday he either go to the casino or fs up somehow.
Sad thing is I love the guy but can't handle the control anymore...It's enough stress having a bipolar daughter,but dealing with the manipulation,control,anger is too much.He says he has never cheated on me but has played wicked verbal games saying he has with who and in detail,then says he only does it to see if I will come out with if I have cheated...wicked mind games..
He can be very negative,like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing which one of the two evils I'm going to deal with today.So with this I hope someone else out there reads this and makes up her mind to either stick it out with the mental illness or move on....I seriously see it getting worse not better.
hilda rocio ramirez
says:
December, 9 2012 at 11:03 am
It's something so petty that gets him going. For example last nite he started the yelling &amp;name calling because I forgot I had smoked a cigarette a few minutes before,&amp; I was asking him for a cigarette. I couldn't recall smoking one-I didn't have the taste of having smoked,or have the smell on my hands either. I never stop in the middle of anything to smoke.I never have.I'm anal when it comes down to how I do things/ I'm a perfectionist-Everything I do has it's order in which its done.I never cut corners or do things differently.Ive never stopped in the middle of anything for a smoke break.He argued that I did-when I know better!4 sake of argument I said I must have forgot.My forgetfulness was enuf reason 4 (inc.this a.m.)3dys of cruel words,cold shoulder,&amp;LONELINESS.I Don't Deserve this treatment.I feel like he's mind-f'ing me now-where I'm questioning my own actions! WHAT DO I DO?! HOW DO I GET HIM TO RECOGNIZE WHAT HE'S DOING?!? WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION? I don't want to stay in this relationship-BUT-i have no choice,I have nowhere to g
hilda rocio ramirez
says:
December, 9 2012 at 10:50 am
It's something so petty that gets him going. For example last nite he started the yelling &amp;name calling because I forgot I had smoked a cigarette a few minutes before,&amp; I was asking him for a cigarette. I couldn't recall smoking one-I didn't have the taste of having smoked,or have the smell on my hands either. I never stop in the middle of anything to smoke.I never have.I'm anal when it comes down to how I do things/ I'm a perfectionist-Everything I do has it's order in which its done.I never cut corners or do things differently.Ive never stopped in the middle of anything for a smoke break.He argued that I did-when I know better!4 sake of argument I said I must have forgot.My forgetfulness was reason enough for 3days (Inc.this a.m.)for his cruelty.I Don't Deserve this treatment.I feel like he's mind-f'ing me now-where I'm questioning my own actions! WHAT DO I DO?! HOW DO I GET HIM TO RECOGNIZE WHAT HE'S DOING?!? WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION? I don't want to stay in this relationship-BUT-i have no choice,I have. nowhere to g
hilda rocio ramirez
says:
December, 9 2012 at 9:16 am
I'm currently in an abusive relationship that I'm literally stuck in. I'm broke, unemployed &amp; have nowhere 2 go/turn2! Fear from retaliation and of his twin brother if I report him/call the cops on him-is why I cant bring the law into it. Last time I threatened 2 call the police he knocked out my upper teeth (5) roots included. I’m so ashamed. I was once beautiful. Now I’m 36 toothless and I look hideous. I no longer have contact with my family because of my missing teeth/Shame of my looks &amp; Shame of reason why I’m toothless. what’s worse is having 2 go out in public and people treating me/looking down on me because people automatically assume that I’m toothless because I’m a criminal or addicted to lord knows what they have me pegged out to be on! I’m so depressed. the daily insults and the literal cold mean demeaning attitude towards me is too much for me to handle anymore! I feel the verbal is worse than the physical abuse. what baffles me is how he doesn’t see/acknowledge/ or realize what he does or says is wrong! Anything sets him off! I’m at fault! I’m the stupid bitch, cunt, etc etc…that started him yelling.

It’s something so petty that gets him going. For example last nite he started the yelling &amp; name calling because I forgot I had smoked a cigarette a few minutes before, &amp; I was asking him for a cigarette. I couldn’t recall smoking one-I didn’t have the taste of having smoked, or have the smell on my hands either. I never stop in the middle of anything to smoke. I never have. I’m anal when it comes down to how I do things/ I’m a perfectionist-Everything I do has it’s order in which its done.I never cut corners or do things differently.
blesseddec2012
says:
December, 9 2012 at 1:50 am
Wow! Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. They validate the feelings I have, and reassure me that I'm not a bad person for wanting to end my relationship.

I met my partner almost 2 years ago. We lived in different cities and dated for 7 months before marrying. I saw all the bad signs and tried to push him away but he was so persistent. I have a friend who is in an abusive marriage and she warned me not to marry him, but like many women, I thought if I show him enough love he will become the ideal husband.

My abuser is also a drug abuser, but he pretended that he'd quit everything when he met me. I know now that he hasn't. Pre-marriage he only called me a bitch once, and he was drunk. At first I told him thats it, its over, but then he apologized so much I forgave him. Big mistake! He never did it again until after marriage. Just a month after marriage, he started verbal abuse. He cursed at me, my parents, my whole family.

My abuser isolated me from friends and even relatives, female relatives!! I wasn't allowed to mingle with my relative who was separated from her husband because single ladies would influence me badly. I agreed with everything he asked thinking that we'd reach a point where he'll be satisfied and we'll get along. But things only got worse.

After isolation, he started controlling what I wear. He fought with me about perfume, make up, and finally I stopped wearing these at work. Still it wasn't enough he wanted to control my finances. I got pregnant and he never felt any compassion for me. He said I was using my pregnancy, that my hormones were making me irrational. I was almost 8 months pregnant when I left him the first time.

I had to live in a shelter for about 2 weeks and then I went to stay at my brothers house (in another city) and started mat leave. At first when I left, he promised me to do everything right so I would return. But my family advised me not to. So I stayed at my brother's and called him the day I went into labor. Instead of putting our differences aside and coming to be supportive, he started abusing me when he I called him.

Finally he came to see the baby and wouldn't stop crying. I went back to him when our daughter was 2 months old. It all started again. It got even worse coz this time he didn't hide that he was smoking pot. He just kept calling me names, pushing me here and there, throwing things around etc.

I left him 3 weeks ago but not intending to leave for good. I just came to my home city to relax for 2 weeks but the mental relief I experienced being away from him just made me decide to end it. Yesterday I went to take all my things from his house, I left his key and here I am.

Its scary that I have to raise my girl alone but I know she's better off than to live with constant screaming in her ears. I have no intention of preventing him from seeing his daughter if he wants but I need some advice.

Should I be worried that he might hurt her??

For the 3.5 months that I lived there with my daughter, he was great to her. Even as I`m here, he`s constantly asking about her and asking for pictures of her. I believe he loves her and would protect her. But, can his abuse get directed at her if I let him see her?

I just want the well-being of my daughter, and I wouldn`t want to break her ties with her father. But I also need to know whether encouraging the ties would be beneficial and not harmful to my baby.

I have also started a blog to tell my story, please visit http://blesseddec2012.wordpress.com/ if you`d like to read about it. Thanks
mic
says:
December, 4 2012 at 10:31 am
My verbally abusive husband just left me. We have been 2gether 4 2 yrs
Since the beginning he has belittled my thoughts &amp; feelings called my every name known 2 man lived on my finances mainly complains that my attitude is the cause of all upsets n my household has only negative comments about all my friends &amp;family has scared me on more than 1 occasion throwing fits &amp; tearing up the home I've worked for &amp; no end 2 the hateful things he has said 2 &amp; about me. And somehow it is all my fault &amp; I'm the 1 with problems. I am still foolish enough 2 miss him

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
December, 4 2012 at 4:48 pm
It isn't foolish to miss him. You held a lot of hope for the relationship. It is difficult to admit that the hope was unfounded. Please give yourself permission to grieve.
sandy
says:
November, 26 2012 at 6:34 pm
I am a 65 year old woman who has had a very difficult life with my husband who is the same age. We have a 41 year old daughter who lives in another state and lost one, almost 20 years ago, at age 19 in an accident.

My problem seems unique, but I'm sure other women have experienced this. Years ago, I had 2 abortions where I would have had 4 children under the age of 6. I was overwhelmed caring for the 2 I had, but I thought it was mutual that we didn't have any more at that time as we were both in our mid-20's and living in an apartment at that time. He didn't object, so I went ahead with these abortions.

The problem is that he was determined to have a son, so he was very hard on our daughters as they reached their teen-age years. Even though he worked hard, as I did in raising them, he was very controlling and angry. In my mid-30's, he wanted me to try again for the son that he didn't have. I explained that I was sorry for the abortions, but that I had raised our girls who were just as valuable as sons. I was fearful to try again, not really wanting any more children, as another female child would have meant having to try for a male child.

We lost our 19 year old daughter tragically in a sudden accident when we were age 45 but he became very mean after that. Our remaining daughter moved away after college.

After that, he became very verbally abusive where he called me a murderer whenever we had a disagreement. It's been going on for years as he uses this to control me and any decisions that he wants to make. Nothing that I have done, anything positive and well-meaning, makes a difference.

He tells me that I have brought this abuse upon myself, which I probably have, but I don't think I could have coped with 4 children under the age of 6. He threw the daughter that we lost out of the house when she was 18, then refused to let her return. I have a lot of anger against him as well, but our senior years look very bleak as he's telling me to just leave if I don't give him his way.

It's a constant string of abusive anger, accusations, blame and refusal to make plans for the future as he tells me that he has no son to carry on his heritage. I've thought of leaving, but he told me that he'd throw me out of the house and change the locks if I went to a lawyer. No one knows about these abortions or about the abuse that has resulted, but I do know that I was a good mother, family member and friend who's given more than I've asked for in return.

I think there's women who are in my situation with past abortions where they bear the full responsibility for having had them even.
MD
says:
November, 25 2012 at 9:56 pm
Kellie,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I have been married for three years, of which the last 5 months have been spent living away from my husband. He has always been a "I'm always right" person and now i often wonder why i tolerated a lot of things all those years we were dating. That said, i went into the marriage very excited about our life together and i thought he was too. We had a baby a year ago and he just went crazy after that, mainly because of his belief that my mother, who is a pediatrician, was "interfering" too much. He always has reasons for his behaviour and they were always about something external, what others said or did. Never because he may have misread something. I left the house with our baby when things came to a place when i couldn't talk to him at all. He wasn't ready to listen to reason or open to a dialogue. It was just abuse towards me and my family. I went back a few days ago to get back some stuff and since then he has suddenly "understood" everything and is ready to do anything to make this work. I would like to believe that it's true but the timing of his change of heart is suspect and reeks of desperation. It's taken me a long time (only with continued support from my friends and family) to try and forget the past and focus on constructive things. And now this guy is back with his usual cycle of trying to get me back when he feels i'm slipping away.

I believe in 'human revolution' through thoughts and actions. But i don't want to fall in a trap again. This sort of behaviour on his part has happened several times over the last one year, when he promises the world but how much can a person really change. I would like to move forward from the almost-peaceful mental state that I've been able to reach after a long long time. I thought i was done believing in his words of change but it seems i haven't. This is the most difficult decision of anyone's life and i thought i had made it four months ago. But things aren't so easy.

My biggest fear is what if i go back and the only thing that changes is my higher threshold or patience level and not his true behaviour. That is a life wasted. But i also don't wish to move forward alone and regret what-might-have-been had i got together with him. I don't know what is going to make me absolutely certain. But hopefully I'd find my way through this fork in the road :)

(Phew. That's a whole lot of venting)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
says:
November, 26 2012 at 3:27 am
MD, venting works wonders, and I hope you reread your comment because it is full of wisdom. In case you didn't know already, abuse in relationships begins after a "triggering event" - something happens to cement you to the abuser - such as the birth of a child. Your husband's behavior was never about the external people in your life; it was always about controlling you. As you wrote in your comment, he is STILL trying to control you.

You know he does not accept responsibility or believe that he could be in the wrong.
You left because communication came to an end. Without communication, there can be no relationship.
You said "the timing of his change of heart is suspect and reeks of desperation" Believe yourself.
You said, "this guy is back with his usual cycle of trying to get me back when he feels I'm slipping away." You are correct.
You said "this sort of behavior...has happened several times..." You already know the deal.
You said, "what if...the only thing that changes is my higher threshold or patience level and not his true behavior". Honor your fear!

There is another solution besides the two you've given yourself. Not only can you decide to leave or return, but you can also choose to OBSERVE SEPARATELY. There is nothing wrong with watching what he does from a distance. If he is truly changing, his change will be consistent, continual, honest, and occur whether or not you and his child live with him.

My opinion is that you have him figured out. You already know what will happen if you move back in; it will be harder to leave the next time. But, if you want more time, I suggest you observe him from afar and for a very long time.
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 4:14 pm
Somebody was giving Kelly D advise on getting her abuser out of the house, i agree witht the thinking, Police, Restraint order, But if he is determined to get back in, the restraint order isnt going to help in itself. She has to call the police EVERYTIME he breaks it, even then they may hall him to jail for like one night, then depending on him it could just piss him off more....and civil court, if he decides to contest, which most abusers will do if they have the means, she will have to go to court...i do not know her complete situation BUt if there are kids involved the restraining order, will put the kids up for grabs for visitation during that year period. Unless he is the kind who hasnt used the threat of taking the kids to keep you at home, then that may not be a problem. Get the restraint order, request to the judge he not have contact with childrena also, if applicabe, THEN the police should come and escort his ass out, and he cannot do shit about that. Get your papers first, have him serviced by the police, then get him out. You have to call everytime their is a violation, the consequences from my experience are not severe enough to get a very entitiled person to get the point, but its the best route you have. may be the only option. Its scary, you question what will happen, its hard to do, but it has to be done....the first step is always the most difficult....he is the problem, not you and you have the right to be free of his misery. When you are ready, it will happen, and you will be better off taking that step in the right direction to get him out, hopefully for good.

Sincerely meant
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 3:58 pm
For M. I just read your post, and it reminded me of the aspect i also experience, with all the many twists and turns and ups and downs living with an abuser ....

I Remember too, illness on my part was a death sentence. I would get a migraine, the kind that made you vomitt and scream in pain for mercy!! i remember the first time I was ever sick after getting married, he tolerated the vomitting but when enough was enough he kicked me when my head was in the toilet. After that i realize sickness was not an option, when i got sick, and flu season hit our house, he would blame the kids for spreading germs, namely the GIRL always gave it to the BOY!! If Mom, I ever got sick then I had until dinner time to be better, this was all before I knew I married an abuser, i remember thinking this person left me at home, with my kids in the background needing me, he left me alone because he wasnt gettin his needs met and catered too while I was sick, before I even understood what abuse was, i remember knowing in my heart this man was a beast, and not at all a husband.

Side note- Holidays with an abuser, not any I want to remember, he soiled them all, ruined them for the kids and I. Christmas was the worst. At least on Birthdays, even though he criticized everything I did for the kids, at least on Birthdays during most of them, he was gone or asleep in the bedroom. I remember he forced me NOT to celebrate my daughters second birthday. And he always accuse me of playing favorites, but that was just sowing of divisions, a tactic common to most abusive men, their way of creating some sort of conflict between siblings, and trying to destroy the Mother child bond.

And yes you cannot reason with anything they say or do. Its all about their agenda and how they can get everyone to cater to them, how they can control every aspect of your life, feelings, and emotions. When you question yourself, they have you right where they want you, confused and desperate and hopeless.

Abusers do not empathize with feelings, although they are masters of conjouring up fake ones of their own for sympathy. Across the board, they all LIE, remember for the heiness behavior to not be revealed, there is always a cover up. Abusers LIE PERIOD.
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 1:41 pm
Grace,
I understand the constant fluctuation between good wife then flipping over to very bad wife.

MY ex did the same things, I would hear him praise and sing me worship at church to everybody, but i soon realized this was for his own purposees, It made him feel better, and made him look like a nice guy to everyone else.

Then when the incoming abuse came I was the most disgusting, pathetic thing in his life, he would even tell my children I did not love them, he once for Mothers day gave me a gift, he leaned over looked me in the eye and called me a F#$%%^!!...C ^%$!??^##!
Then the next day I get a hand written letter obout how godly, perfect and lovely i am.....OK you get the drift!!!

Usually when somebody is crazy making you like that, creating all that chaos you have endured by his ups, and downs...we all find relief in the good moments, but beware of even the PURPOSE behind when he is setting you up.

On Meds, off meds, the reality is nobody is perfect, he sets you on this pedastool thats not even attainable, so he can knock down even a little bit further.

God i am sorry you have had to endure that madness!!! I think you are a very strong women!!
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 1:26 pm
To Rose,
Your soul is not gone, you just feel empty because somebody you love or loved is in reality not worthy of recieving what you give. You just tuck it away, and keep it safe from him, the insults, insidious behavior.

I once felt so hopless, I wanted to die just to escape the fear and anxiety, toppled with all the alienation I felt around me from him spewing lies about my kids and I.

And yess, even though i would give my own life for my kids, the despair was overwhelming. But i knew I could not leave them behind alone with him.

He abused me even at night, hitting me in my sleep, pushing me out of bed, but when I would go sleep with the kids then he would get up and start in on all of us because I was not in bed with him....he would tell me how easy it was for him to bring a knife to bed and slit my throat. The filthy name calling happened day and night, and when even he would act remorsful he would joke around about it with people at church, or his work and say "ya my wife thinks i abuse her, we sleep in a double bed, who wouldnt elbow somebody now and again," he would tell me at home ya i know i did it, I know I call you whore, c---- but whenever confronted he would say "well IF i did I didnt MEAN to" or he would tell others Im sensitive, Ya i grabbed her and pushed her but its not my fault she bruised so easy. One time he even told court personel that he did not "strike me on the side of the head" he said "I only TAPPED her with finger to get her attention"

Oh, the insane stories of his insane behavior I have. Even though i physically left him within the first two years, he continued abusing me VIA my children, and Stalking and threatening us for TEN years, and going.

So I just wanted to share a little with you, whatever you may be facing, you are not alone and my family for one, REALLY understand how desperate abuse can make life feel.
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 1:05 pm
Otherwise, longterm, meaning we want to end abuse in the family, spousal abuse, directly because it directly affect children involved. We want to support women with patience, love and above all empathy and understanding. The only long term plan to do that is to be informed about abuse, spread the word so people who reach out do not feel like this is only happening to them, share with them experiences, share with them knowledge about the issue they are dealing with, which is the issue of living with an abusive spouse, not a mentally ill out of control person who cannot help themselves from spewing their venom on you and your children. But hey if you want to offer a free evaluation to the millions of women and children who suffer daily at the hands of their partners? Slap a label on an abusive person, they will love that, just another tool to control, and not be held responsible for anything. Go to church they will call it SIN,you should pray for him, be a better wife blah, blaah, blah Go to court they will assume the kids wont suffer anymore once the parents split, we all know who have been their that is not true, it only leaves them more vulnerable to his abuse because their one protective parent wont be there, and also abuse escalates when you try to leave it so the kids are at even higher risk.

Do a mental evaluation on them, if they chose they will pass with flying colors...especially if it serves them well. Do a mental evaluation on an abused women she may not pass, due to the stress of the abuse she has endured.

I think you get my point
Memphis Rayne
says:
November, 25 2012 at 12:51 pm
I was reading through some of the top comments by a lady name Gina. To try to say that abusers are mentally ill, is only clouding and adding more greay to this subject. i know many women who spend countless amounts of time, with trying to figure out if their abusive spoue is mentally ill. Yes, any answer when your being abused daily, and feeling desperate and trapped is what most will strive for. We think that to spot him in a illness, will open the door to all our questions to all the endless mazes, and puzzzling behavior will save us. Unfortunately not true. Just like many people have ANGER issues, the most common solution thrown into an abuse situation, Then the women spends countless hours trying to make things better for him so as NOT to anger him. The truth is abusers have no problem with their anger, they do however have a problem with YOU having a problem with their anger.

In the short, lets stick to the straight and narrow. Abusers have a certain mindset, NOT mental illness, they fell eintitled to how they treat their victoms, they benefit from it, they get support through courts and churches. They are highly skilled spin doctors, highly manipulative, they blameshift, they financial control and abuse their familys, they make veiled threats physically and verbally, when you get them out of the house do to being fearful and threatened by them, they ressort to a smear campaign against YOU, they use their own children as weapons to control and threaten you. They cry, look pitigul, and sad....people feel sorry for them, those people encourage you to stay BECAUSE he is sorry after all!!! Yet those same people do an about face when your children suffer from his behavior, the same people who support him in his time of need, blame you if your kids are hurt by him....

Thousands, millions of women and children experience the exact same horror stories from abusive spouses. They do not need to waste time trying to figure out his problem, read the the cycle of abuse and control. Read thousands of storys of women and their children that are re victomized by churches, and the court system when trying to leave abuse. Understand that children are at high risk when divorce is iminent, UNDERSTAND the dynamics of ABUSE, and understand the MENTALITY involved in abusers BEFORE you confuse people by telling them your expertise on mental illness. Yes some abusers may be mentally ill, may be alcohalics, but not all mentally ill eople or alcohalics abuse their wives and children. Likewise, not all angry people abuse their wives and children BUT abusers use anger as a form of intimidation and control, and yes they are moody short fused people BUT if anybody else is looking they can snap right out of it.

I know Gina is trying to be informative, but unless she has lived it or say like Lundy Bancroft REALLY understands its dynamics, she is doing more harm than good. So again lets not cloud the waters with more mirk. Otherwise long term abusers will NEVER become accountable for ANYHTING they do. Study up sister!
rose
says:
November, 24 2012 at 8:49 pm
I'm scared. There is no pinpointing the accusations and brainwash.no standing up andtrying to show how much love there is to give. My soul is gone

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