Highs and Lows ...

Tonight was very humbling ... Despite everything that I've been through, despite my blog that I write on depression, despite my participation in The Walk for Depression Awareness, I still have immense trouble dealing (accepting) with the depression when I am very depressed. For the past four days I have stayed inside the apartment, searching for jobs. Searching for jobs is a very isolating process. Sending resume w cover letter out again and again and again ... and hearing nothing back ... becomes discouraging. At the beginning, I felt hopeful and optimistic. I feel that I have developed many skills in the past 4 years, and I thought that my potential would leap off of the page. My phone would be ringing off the hook! The emails were sure to come flooding in, asking for me to consider working for them! (or at least inviting me for an interview). Needless to say, this hasn't been the case. The stress of trying to secure much needed employment and the combination of living in a new city without knowing anyone began to take it's toll. Slowly, rather than leaving the apartment and going to the gym, I began to stay inside and spend the entire day searching for new job postings. I stopped dressing for the day and stayed in my pajamas. I abandoned a schedule in favor of staying inside the safety and comfort of my apartment and withdrew from society. Basically I chose to ignore the things that can help to alleviate depression or at least better manage it day to day. I usually write for this blog when I'm doing really well, or at least feeling optimistic. Today, I'm not doing so great. Today was difficult, and I imagine that tomorrow will be the same. I have to dig deep to push myself just to get dressed, to walk around the block, to dare to go inside a coffee shop and buy a coffee. I know what it is like to read the advice on a depression website and to feel so overwhelmed that it is impossible to follow through with it. I know what it is like to feel hopeless and alone. I know how it feels to be too embarrassed to tell anyone how you are doing so you avoid reaching out and making contact. Point being ... we all fall down. We are human. Don't give up.