The "Whore Wars"

by Betsy Hart

I was eagerly browsing the aisles of the Target store a few weeks ago looking for some summer wear for my soon to be 6-year-old daughter. I love Target, and expected this to be easy. A few shorts, a few tops, voila and done.

Voila nothing. Everything was cut so tight and low, or so high and tight in the case of the tops, that there was nothing appropriate for my little one. For one thing, it would have been impractical, uncomfortable summer wear. For another, she doesn't like those styles. But the bottom line is that while I'm not a prude by any means I think dressing a not-yet 6-year-old like she was Britney Spears is at best silly, and at worst unnecessarily sexualizing our littlest girls.

This trend is widespread and has been in the news of late. But at Target? I wasn't surprised, then, just a few days after my unsuccessful shopping trip to find a spread on the phenomenon in the Washington Post explaining that "you can find terry-cloth bikinis at GapKids, metallic-looking bras and bikini underpants labeled "Girl identity" in the girls' department at Sears, and thongs (dental floss that passes for underwear) for girls ages 7 to 14 at abercrombie" (the kids' division of Abercrombie and Fitch). As one 5-year-old girl told ABC News when interviewed on the subject, "I like to look sexy."

Where did she get that from? Or worse, does she actually know what it means? Of course that's nothing compared to what's going on with their older sisters. As the Post reported, in the last few years the clothing of teen-age girls, including teens as young as 12 and 13, has been getting consistently lower and tighter flaunting "breasts, bellies and bottoms" as never before. As one local principal said, skimpy dress "has never been so widespread."

In one sense, I'm not entirely sure that's true. Check out reruns of the Brady Bunch, when even young Marcia and Jan were sure wearing some very short styles. Still, they did not look like sluts. Neither does it appear, judging by the fashion trends of even those "sexual revolution" days, did most other girls in their age group.

Fast forward to when I was in high school in the early eighties. I liked to dress FUN. I liked to go to parties and date. I liked to look good. And for the record, I was not a nerd. But I never, ever wanted to look like a slut.

Today, happily married with four kids, I still like to dress FUN. Again for the record, I just bought a pair of slim fitting, low-waisted but still definitely-above-the-belly-button suede pants. (I think they look pretty good.) But still, I have no interest whatsoever in dressing like a slut.

That, apparently, is not the case with way too many teenage girls right now, in both middle and high school. In fact the battles between parents and these girls over modern dressing standards have been dubbed "the whore wars." Some of these girls reach their objective. They look very provocative and very sexy. Some, I'm sorry to say, have way too much confidence - and weight - to pull of the tight revealing clothes they try to squeeze into, making themselves look doubly ridiculous.

In any event, where in the world are the parents of these young girls who are dressing this way and why aren't they setting some simple boundaries so the school principal doesn't have to? Why are so many parents waving the white flag when it comes to these wars? Further, are these girls and the adults in their lives really so dopey as to believe these teenagers are not sending an overtly "come-and-get-it" sexual message to boys? As one girl told the Post - coyly or stupidly, I'm not sure which - "if they're (the boys) bothered it's their problem." Give me a break. The whole POINT of what these girls are doing is to "bother" the boys, and they know it.

And finally, why are the feminists silent on all this? Aren't they the ones who are supposed to be for girls showing off their brains more than their bodies? I've got three little girls and years ahead to sort out some of these issues. Now if you ask me, my little girls are beautiful - and I'm glad to have them dress accordingly. Still, when it comes to shopping for them, we'll always skip places like "Target-as-Frederick's-of-Hollywood." And for now at least, we'll stick with the Lands' End and L.L. Bean catalogs.

Betsy Hart is a frequent commentator on CNN and the Fox News Channel.

The National Health and Social Life Survey looked at variables that may be predictive of female sexual problems.(1) Surprisingly, sexual problems were more common among younger women than older women; the authors suggested this was due to inexperience, the lack of a steady partner, and periods of sexual inactivity. Unmarried women were also more likely to have sexual problems than married women. Women with poor health had an increased risk of sexual pain disorders, and those with urinary tract symptoms were at greater risk for arousal and pain disorders. Low sexual activity or interest was predictive of a desire or arousal disorder. Deteriorating economic status was positively associated with a modest elevation in the risk of all categories of sexual problems. Finally, arousal problems were highly associated with negative sexual experiences (such as sexual harassment and assault). Emotional and stress-related problems also increased the risk of sexual difficulties.

In the Massachusetts Women's Health Survey II, health and marital status were the most consistent predictors of continuing sexual activity among 200 premenopausal, perimenopausal, and postmenopausal women. (2) The better a woman's health, the more likely she was to have an interest in sex and to have sex. Marriage had the opposite effect: married women had lower libidos and were more likely to say that interest in sex declines with aging and to report that they were less aroused now than when they were in their 40s.

Sources:

• Laumann EO, Paik A, Rosen RC. Sexual dysfunction in the United States: prevalence and predictors. JAMA 1999;281:537-544.
• Avis NE, Stellato R, Crawford S, et al. Is there an association between menopause status and sexual functioning? Menopause 2000;7:297-309.

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can occur in children; it’s not just for adults. PTSD is a trauma- and stressor-related disorder that people of any age can develop in response to living through a traumatic event.

Causes of PTSD in Children

A child can develop PTSD after experiencing a traumatic event, witnessing a traumatic event, or learning that a primary caregiver has been killed. Children are especially vulnerable to these causes of PTSD:

• Watching a parent get killed
• Witnessing a sexual assault
• Experiencing sexual abuse
• Seeing a school shooting
• Witnessing violence in an area close to their home

PTSD in Children: Warning Signs and Symptoms

All children have emotional and behavioral reactions to a traumatic event, and at times these reactions can be quite strong. Experiencing such things as fear, loss of interest in activities, emotional upheaval, difficulty concentrating and paying attention is a normal human reaction to trauma.

A child who experiences these after a traumatic event doesn’t necessarily have PTSD.

PTSD in children involves telltale warning signs and symptoms that aren’t seen in typical stress responses. If you are in the life of a child who has experienced or witnessed a traumatic event, watch for the following warning signs and symptoms of PTSD:

• Intrusion symptoms (unwanted memories, thoughts, dreams)
• Avoidance and withdrawal
• Arousal (anger, sleep problems)
• Changes in school performance
• Numbing/flatness

PTSD in Very Young Children

Because of their developmental stage, very young children respond slightly differently to trauma than do older kids and adults.

Like older children and adults, children under the age of six can experience intrusion symptoms, which involve recurrent distressing memories of the event and/or nightmares. The intrusion symptoms of PTSD in very young children, however, aren’t always obvious. The content of dreams isn’t clearly connected to the traumatic event, and memories, which typically come through in play, don’t always look distressing to observers.

Older children and adults must experience both avoidance and arousal symptoms in order to be diagnosed with PTSD, but very young children with PTSD need to have only one (although they can experience both).

PTSD avoidance symptoms in children under the age of six include:

• Withdrawing from people
• Avoiding conversations about the event
• Avoiding activities, places, or physical reminders of the traumatic event
• Restricted play and behavior

PTSD arousal symptoms in children under the age of six include:

• Irritability and angry outbursts
• Increased temper tantrums
• Exaggerated startle response (jumpiness)
• Sleep problems
• Difficulty concentrating

Other common effects of PTSD in young children:

• Developmental regression (losing progress in toilet habits, bed wetting, language usage, etc.)
• Unusual clinginess to caregivers
• Repetitive play that involves re-experiencing the trauma
• Preoccupation with aspects or reminders of the trauma

PTSD in School-Aged Children

Important features of PTSD in school-aged children are intrusive symptoms, avoidance symptoms, and behavior changes. 

Intrusion symptoms of PTSD in children involve:

• Unwanted, persistent memories
• Nightmares, although children don’t typically remember the content
• Play; often repetitive, play is key for children with PTSD to act out, express, and deal with their trauma

Children with PTSD often display these avoidance symptoms:

• Withdrawal from others
• Appearing overly cautious and watchful
• No longer participating in activities formerly enjoyed
• Refusal to participate in new activities
• Reluctance to discuss the trauma; any discussion involves flat, factual accounts

The effects of PTSD in school-aged children can be seen in their behavior, such as:

• Disorganized or agitated behavior
• Sexual acting-out
• Aggression
• tantrums

The behavior of children with PTSD can be mistaken for the behavior problems associated with oppositional-defiant disorder or conduct disorder. Further, PTSD in children can damage the child’s relationship with parents and other caregiving adults, siblings, and peers.

PTSD in Children: Treatments

PTSD can have profound, negative effects on children of all ages. With patience, support, and help from a mental health professional, children can heal and overcome PTSD (How Long Does PTSD Last? Does PTSD Ever Go Away?). Exact PTSD treatment varies according to the individual child as well as the therapist, but there are common approaches that are effective for children with PTSD:

• Play therapy
• Memory processing
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy
• Relaxation techniques
• Stress management
• Coping skills development

PTSD in children can be temporary. Children of all ages can return to their previous, healthy level of functioning and continue to grow and develop as they were doing before the trauma.

article references

Diagnosis

Psychological

The APA classifies sexual disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV) because they tend to disrupt interpersonal relationships and cause psychological distress. All disorders listed in the DSM in some way disturb the process of arousal and the sexual response cycle. Although controversial, it is the standard approach used by many psychiatrists and clinicians in the United States and other countries to female sexual problems.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is characterized by an absence of libido. There is no interest in initiating sex and little desire to seek stimulation. Sexual aversion disorder is characterized by an aversion to or avoidance or dismissal of sexual prompts or sexual contact. It may be acquired following sexual or physical abuse or trauma and may be life-long. The main feature of female sexual arousal disorder is an inability to achieve and progress through the stages of "normal" female arousal. Female orgasmic disorder is defined as the delay or absence of orgasm after "normal" arousal. Dyspareunia is marked by genital pain before, during, or after intercourse. Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of the perineal muscles around the vagina as a response to attempted penetration. Contraction makes vaginal penetration difficult or impossible.

These disorders must cause personal distress and must not be accounted for by a medical condition. A distinction is made between disorders that are life-long and those that are acquired, as well as those that are situational and generalized.

Medical

In cases where a medical condition is suspected as the underlying cause, whether it causes inadequate blood flow, nerve-related loss of sensitivity, or reduced hormone levels, a specialist conducts an appropriate diagnosis. Sexual problems may be symptomatic of diseases that require treatment, like diabetes, endocrine disorders of the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis, and neurological disorders.

The American Foundation of Urologic Disease (AFUD) classifies the APA's criteria into these four types of disorder:

• Hypoactive sexual desire disorder; includes sexual aversion disorder
• Sexual arousal disorder
• Orgasmic disorder
• Sexual pain disorders; includes vaginismus, dyspareunia

Contrary to APA stipulation, dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) may be diagnosed as a result of inadequate vaginal lubrication, which may be considered an arousal disorder and treated as such. Pain is associated with recurrent medical conditions, including cystitis.

Physiological Diagnostic Tests

Vaginal blood flow and engorgement (pooling and swelling of vaginal tissue) can be measured with vaginal photoplethysmography, in which an acrylic tampon-shaped instrument inserted in the vagina uses reflected light to sense flow and temperature. It cannot be used to assess advanced levels of arousal, say, during orgasm, because movement skews its reading. Also, limited knowledge of normative vaginal engorgement levels makes for only speculative results. Vaginal pH testing, commonly performed by gynecologists and urologists to detect bacteria-causing vaginitis, may be useful. A probe inserted into the vagina takes the reading. Decreasing hormone levels and diminished vaginal secretion associated with menopause cause a rise in pH (over 5), which is easily detected with the test. A biothesiometer, a small cylindrical instrument, may be used to assess the sensitivity of the clitoris and labia to pressure and temperature. Readings are taken before and after the subject watches erotic video and masturbates with a vibrator for approximately 15 minutes.

Treatment

There are three primary types of experimental treatment for female sexual dysfunction:

• Education on female anatomy, arousal, and response; where blood flow, hormone levels, and sexual anatomy are normal
• Hormone replacement therapy (including treatment of the underlying disorder)
• Vascular treatment (including treatment of the underlying disorder)

Educating both women and men on how to talk about and respond to a woman's psychological and physical stimulatory needs can only happen if both partners recognize that there is a problem. Behavioral and sex therapists note the need for partners to examine the actual act of having sex, including foreplay, intercourse, and talking about sex. Sex therapists and psychologists may assist in improving communication between partners.

Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is aimed at restoring hormone levels affected by age, surgery, or hormone dysfunction to normal, thus restoring sexual function. Estrogen and testosterone levels are measured and treated by endocrinologists.

, used in men with erectile dysfunction, is currently being tested in women. Some evidence suggests that it may restore libido lost to antidepressant use.

A medical condition that causes diminished blood flow to the vagina must be addressed in light of sexual dysfunction. However, some women who are not diagnosed with underlying medical conditions have found that nonprescription topical solutions, such as Sensua! (formerly called Viacreme®) or Viagel®, increase sensitivity and assist in achieving orgasm.

Sensua! is an amino-acid based (L-arginine) solution that contains menthol. L-Arginine is involved in nitric oxide synthesis, which is responsible for vascular and nonvascular smooth muscle relaxation. When applied to the clitoris, Sensua! may increase blood flow by dilating clitoral blood vessels. More research being done to assess the possible effects and complications of topical creams.

Eros Therapy^(TM)

The Eros Therapy(TM) is an FDA-approved device for the treatment of female sexual dysfunction. This small handheld device is used 3 to 4 times per week to increase blood flow to the clitoris and external genitalia, which improves clitoral and genital sensitivity, lubrication, and the ability to experience orgasm. It may take several weeks of conditioning before experiencing the benefits of this therapy.

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a trauma disorder of infancy and childhood involving severe disruption of attachment (See also What is Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder?). Attachment is a basic human necessity. It’s bonding to a primary caregiver that teaches infants that someone is there to provide comfort, security, and to meet his/her basic needs. Attachment leads to a sense of safety and trust that paves the way for the ability to experience love. In RAD, this important attachment doesn’t happen, and the consequences of RAD in children and teens are severe and long-lasting, often into adulthood (Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adults). In addition to the effects of RAD on children, reactive attachment disorder parenting can also be very challenging.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Definition

When an infant or young child is diagnosed with RAD, it means that he/she hasn’t developed an attachment to an adult. The result is a child who, from infancy, is withdrawn and rarely turns to a caregiver for much-needed nurturance, protection, support, and comfort. A simple reactive attachment disorder definition is a “severe disturbance in social relatedness” (Seligman, 1998, p. 110); indeed, RAD has a negative impact on how someone perceives and interacts with the world.

Published by the American Psychiatric Association (2013), The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) is the accepted authority on mental disorders. In its definition of RAD, the DSM-5 states that the following criteria must be present in order for a baby or young child to be diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder:

• A consistent pattern of emotionally withdrawn behavior toward caregivers
• Failure to seek comfort when distressed
• No response to comfort if/when provided
• Little social and emotional responses to others
• Limited display of positive emotions
• Irritability, sadness, or fearfulness around caregivers even when unwarranted

Cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

Reactive attachment disorder is classified in the DSM-5 as a trauma disorder. The trauma of severe social neglect and deprivation of physical and emotional needs causes RAD.

This trauma of neglect and deprivation equates to a lack of human connection. Bonding is essential for healthy social and emotional development, and it’s a process that typically occurs naturally between an infant and a caregiver as the caregiver meets the baby’s basic survival and emotional needs. This doesn’t happen in RAD. The cause of reactive attachment disorder is extreme neglect that teaches the infant that the world is unsafe and uncaring and that he/she can’t count on people.

Reactive attachment disorder is extremely rare. Even among the most severely neglected infants and children, less than 10% develop RAD. This had led researchers to wonder if RAD has other causes. Among the possibilities are biological traits such as inborn temperament or physical problems that could make someone more susceptible to developing RAD in the face of neglect. At this point, though, these remain ideas for further explanation. The official cause of RAD is the trauma of severe neglect.

Who Develops Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

According to the DSM-5, to be diagnosed with RAD, an infant or young child must have a developmental age of at least nine months and be younger than age five. To be sure, symptoms and consequences of RAD exist outside of that range. For a diagnosis, though, someone must be between nine months and five years.

Certain environmental factors increase the level of trauma and can make infants and young children more susceptible to developing RAD:

• A home in which the primary caregiver can’t care for the infant’s needs due to illness (physical or mental illness, including severe postpartum depression), lack of support, drug use, etc.
• Orphanages or hospitals
• Frequent changes in foster care settings

Resulting from the trauma of severe neglect, the lack of a sense of safety and trust leads to the social and emotional withdrawal of reactive attachment disorder. Left untreated, RAD can have life-long consequences (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Treatment).

article references

An article for anyone who is a survivor of sexual abuse.

Statistically, it has been found that 1 out of every 3 girls and 1 out of every 5 boys has been sexually abused before the age of 18. This is a huge number and it means that probably a large portion of our readers are sexual abuse survivors. Also, many of our readers are involved with a sexual abuse survivor.

As a child, your sexuality was taken from you without permission, or with permission that you were not old enough to give. Now that you are an adult, I applaud you for wanting to reclaim your sexuality. I do recommend, however, that this should not be your first step in trying to heal from your abuse. Working on one's sexuality, as a survivor, often is the hardest part of recovery and is not recommended for someone who hasn't already worked through the majority of their recovery from sexual abuse.

Healthy Sexuality Is Possible

It is possible to have a healthy sexuality as an adult who was molested as a child. Often, however, survivors find that this is a difficult area in which to heal. This is due to many reasons. For some, sex can act as a trigger, bringing back memories of the abuse. These individuals may find themselves unable to have sex without feeling bad, ashamed, pained, etc. For others they find that they can have lots of sex but that the sex isn't attached to any emotions and in this way it cannot meet the survivor's needs. Maybe in a similar way that sex was used to hurt the survivor when they were young, now the survivor uses sex to hurt themselves, either by practicing unsafe sexual methods or by being sexual with people whom they don't trust and/or who are not emotionally and/or physically safe. Many survivors check-out or dissociate during sex. Maybe they are having sex, but instead of being emotionally present during the sexual time they are thinking about other things and are really very emotionally/psychically distant from the sex in which they are participating.

Staci Haines, author of The Survivor's Guide to Sex (1999), discusses in a very helpful way how an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse can heal sexually. The first thing to tackle is making sure that you are in a safe environment before progressing in your sexual recovery. You may find this difficult because you may never feel safe, especially when in a sexual environment. Or you may think that you are safe even when you aren't because you are so used, from having been abused to being unsafe. Therefore, it is a good idea to try to find some objective ways to judge your safety. You need to not be experiencing abuse on any level. This means that you are not being emotionally, physically or sexually abused or assaulted. If you have a partner, does he/she respect your needs, wants, feelings, and behavior? Are you free to make your own decisions? It is important that you are free to guide your life and that your partner or someone else isn't trying to control your life. Is your partner capable of meeting your needs and supporting you through this journey? Answering yes to these questions is an indication that you are in a safe environment.

Haines points out that it is important for a survivor to figure out what they really want to achieve from working on their sexual survivorship. What she means is that it is important to have a realistic goal in mind so that you can stay focused on the goal when you get overwhelmed or frustrated. Next, it is going to be important to figure out what your regular sexual practices, behaviors, and actions are. Her goal is to then help survivors move very slowly from their current sexual practices to more liberated or healthy practices. She emphasizes that this must be done in very slow, very small steps; otherwise, you are likely to get overwhelmed. She points out that for a very long time, survivors will behave in one way and that those regular behaviors cannot be changed overnight. She emphasizes that survivors just beginning on their sexual survivorship work should masturbate regularly. This will allow them to find new techniques that they like without having to worry about anyone else. It will also help the survivor overcome their first challenge of fear of self-pleasure. Many survivors feel overwhelming guilt at enjoying sex. This will allow them to address this issue on their own. If you are afraid to masturbate, try to practice being sensual without masturbation initially.

Haines believes that the ultimate goal for survivors trying to heal their sexual lives is to increase their capacity for both discomfort and pleasure without dissociating. Usually what survivors do when confronted with discomfort or pleasure is that they will check-out or dissociate. They cease to be emotionally present.

The problem with dissociation during sex is multi-fold. First, if the survivor is dissociated, they cannot give appropriate consent. Being able to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no is vital to being safe and is the polar opposite of being abused. Also, when one is dissociated one is not able to have emotional intimacy. When someone is checked-out, they may not realize that something doesn't feel good or hurts and they may be injured because they were not present enough at the time to identify their physical reactions. Finally, if a survivor is not present emotionally/psychically during sex, they are much less likely to be able to develop an inventory of what they do and don't like. Figuring out what you do and don't like sexually is a huge factor in sexual recovery.

The only way to increase your capacity for both pleasure and discomfort is going to be to go very slowly; changing teeny weenie behaviors while allowing yourself to fully feel your emotions that these new little changes bring up for you. The key to healing from sexual abuse is feeling your feelings, and it is no different when recovering sexually.

There is no way that one article can serve as a complete guide to sex-positive play for survivors or survivor recovery. I highly recommend picking up Haines' book, The Survivor's Guide to Sex if you are interested in sexual survivorship. If you would like to read a good book and use a good workbook for surviving childhood sexual abuse as an adult please read/use The Courage to Heal (1994) by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis and The Courage to Heal Workbook (1990) by Laura Davis. Both of these books are very well-respected in the sexual abuse treatment and self-help communities. Finally, if you ever need to talk to someone call the Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline at 800-656-HOPE. When you call RAINN, they will put you through to a participating rape crisis center in your area that can provide both crisis hotline assistance and counseling services. You can visit RAINN's website at http://www.rainn.org.

And remember that you are not alone. This has happened to others, and it was not your fault. Just the fact that you have read this article shows me that you are no longer a victim of your abuse but instead a strong, empowered survivor flying free toward your future!

You're in a bad relationship, but for some reason, you don't get out. Learn how to recognize and deal with addictive relationships.

It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is bad for you. A "bad" relationship is not the kind that is going through the usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment that are inevitable when two separate people come together. A bad relationship is one that involves continual frustration; the relationship seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach. In fact, the attachment in such relationships is to someone who is "unattainable" in the sense that he or she is committed to someone else, doesn't want a committed relationship, or is incapable of one.

Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need. Such relationships can destroy self-esteem and prevent those involved from moving on in their careers or personal lives. They are often fertile breeding grounds for loneliness, rage, and despair. In bad relationships, the two partners are often on such different wave-lengths that there is little common ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other.

Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may even be physically harmful. An obvious harm is the physical abuse that is often a part of such relationships. In a less obvious way, however, the tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower resistance to physical illness. Continuing in such bad relationships can lead to unhealthy escapes such as alcohol or drug abuse and can even lead to suicide attempts.

In such relationships, individuals are robbed of several essential freedoms

• the freedom to be their best selves in the relationship
• the freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency
• the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive

Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense that the relationships are "addictive."

Are You Addicted to a Person or Relationship?

Listed below are several signs of an addictive relationship. Consider whether they apply to you

1. Even though you know the relationship is bad for you (and perhaps others have told you this), you take no effective steps to end it.
2. You give yourself reasons for staying in the relationship that are not really accurate or that are not strong enough to counteract the harmful aspects of the relationship.
3. When you think about ending the relationship, you feel terrible anxiety and fear which make you cling to it even more.
4. When you take steps to end the relationship, you suffer painful withdrawal symptoms, including physical discomfort, that is only relieved by reestablishing contact.

If some of these signs apply to you, you may be in an addictive relationship and have lost the capacity to direct your own life. To move toward recovery, your first steps must be to recognize that you are "hooked" and then try to understand the basis of your addiction. In this way, you gain the perspective to determine whether, in reality, the relationship can be improved or whether you need to leave it.

The Basis of the Relationship Addiction

There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in a bad relationship. At the most superficial level are practical considerations such as financial entanglement, shared living quarters, the potential impact on children, feared disapproval from others, and possible disruption in academic performance or career plans.

At a deeper level are the beliefs you hold about relationships in general, about this specific relationship, and about yourself. These beliefs may take the form of learned societal messages such as "Love is forever," "You are a failure if you end a relationship," "Being alone is terrible," and "You should never hurt anyone." Also relevant are beliefs about yourself such as "I'll never find anyone else," "I'm not attractive or interesting enough," or "If I work hard enough I should be able to save this relationship."

At the deepest level are unconscious feelings which can keep you stuck. These feelings develop early in childhood, often operate without your awareness, and can exert considerable influence on your life. Children need to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged in their independence. To the extent that parents are successful in doing this, their children will be able to feel secure as adults in moving in and out of relationships. To the extent that these needs are not met their children may be left feeling "needy" as adults and may thus be more vulnerable to dependent relationships.

Strategies for Overcoming Relationship Addictions

In her book "Women Who Love Too Much," author Robin Norwood outlines a ten-step plan for overcoming relationship addiction. While this book is directed toward women, its principles are equally valid for men. Stated here (reordered and sometimes paraphrased), Norwood suggests the following:

1. Make your "recovery" the first priority in your life.
2. Become "selfish," i.e., focus on getting your own needs met more effectively.
3. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings.
4. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself, i.e., fill in gaps that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself.
5. Learn to stop managing and controlling others; by being more focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to seek security by trying to make others change.
6. Develop your "spiritual" side, i.e., find out what brings you peace and serenity and commit some time, at least half an hour daily, to that endeavor.
7. Learn not to get "hooked" into the games of relationships; avoid dangerous roles you tend to fall into, e.g., "rescuer" (helper), "persecutor" (blamer), "victim" (helpless one).
8. Find a support group of friends who understand.
9. Share with others what you have experienced and learned.
10. Consider getting professional help.

When to Seek Professional Help for Relationship Addiction

Some counseling may be called for when any of these four circumstances exist:

1. When you are very unhappy in a relationship but are unsure of whether you should accept it as it is, make further efforts to improve it, or get out of it.
2. When you have concluded that you should end a relationship, have tried to make yourself end it, but remain stuck.
3. When you suspect that you are staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons, such as feelings of guilt or fear of being alone, and you have been unable to overcome the paralyzing effects of such feelings.
4. When you recognize that you have a pattern of staying in bad relationships and that you have not been able to change that pattern by yourself.

An explanation of assertiveness and how a lack of assertiveness can be damaging to yourself and your work and personal relationships. Plus, learn how to become more assertive.

Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way? Is it difficult for you to express your positive or negative feelings openly and honestly? Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at others who don't warrant it? A "yes" answer to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem known as "lack of assertiveness."

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends. It can increase your chances for honest relationships, and help you to feel better about yourself and your self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, will improve your decision-making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you really want from life.

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). However, before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

• The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
• The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions — and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
• The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
• The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
• The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
• The right to ask for information or help — without having negative feelings about your needs.
• The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically — with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
• The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
• The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly — and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
• The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights — you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.

Selfishness and Aggressiveness

When you behave selfishly, or in a way that violates the rights of others, you are, in fact, acting in a destructive, aggressive manner -rather than in a constructive, assertive manner. There is a very fine line that divides the two manners of action.

Aggressiveness means that you express your rights but at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of another. It involves being so emotionally or physically forceful that the rights of others are not allowed to surface. Aggressiveness usually results in others becoming angry or vengeful, and as such, it can work against your intentions and cause people to lose respect for you. You may feel self-righteous or superior at a particular time — but after thinking things through, you may feel guilty later.

What Assertiveness Will Not Do

Asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others, nor will it solve all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be assertive and not aggressive. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you want; however, lack of assertiveness is most certainly one of the reasons why conflicts occur in relationships.

Specific Techniques for Assertiveness

1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The following statements project this preciseness:
   • "I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons." 
   • "I have a different opinion, I think that..."
   • "I liked it when you did that."
   • "Would you...?"
   • I don't want you to..."
2. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference, your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I") statements such as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "You're wrong") or "I'd like you to mow the lawn" (as compared to "You really should mow the lawn, you know"). Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad and should change for his or her own benefit when, in fact, it would please you will only foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.
3. Ask for feedback. "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?" Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions you may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills" selectively. It is not just what you say to someone verbally, but also how you communicate nonverbally with voice tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression and posture that will influence your impact on others. You must remember that it takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets.

Need Additional Help?

If you are interested in additional specific techniques for becoming more assertive, some excellent references are:

• The Assertive Option, A. Lange and P. Jakubowski, Champaign, Illinois: Research Press, 1978.
• Your Perfect Right, R. Alberte and M. Emmons, San Luis Obispo, California: Impact, 1970.

If you or a loved one has schizophrenia, it’s natural to wonder why. Where did this come from? Why me? Why my loved one? What are the causes of schizophrenia?

Doctors and researchers, too, want to know why. They’re working hard to discover the answer to get to the root of this serious mental illness. The more they understand about what causes schizophrenia, the better they can help the people living with it.

What We Know About the Causes of Schizophrenia

Currently, there is no known cause of this disorder. There are, however, schizophrenia risk factors that are known to at least partially contribute to it. Schizophrenia is a complex illness with multiple risk factors that work together to contribute to it. We also know that schizophrenia is no one’s fault.

Researchers have developed many theories about what might cause someone to develop the illness. Because schizophrenia is an illness of the brain, the theories about causes relate to the workings of the brain or outside factors that directly impact the brain. The theories encompass multiple areas:

• Biology/genetics 
• Neurology
• Cognition
• Environment/stress
• Virus/immunopathology
• Pregnancy and birth complications
• Substance use

The Possible Causes and Risk Factors of Schizophrenia

The above list organizes the various theories into categories. Let’s look at what each category adds to our understanding of schizophrenia.

Biological and Genetic Causes of Schizophrenia

The biological causes of schizophrenia have a great deal to do with genetics. Having a parent with schizophrenia increases one’s risk of developing the illness from 1% to 10%, and having an identical twin with the disorder increases someone’s risk to approximately 50% (Silverstein, Spaulding, & Menditto, 2006).

Scientists have even located specific genes and chromosomal sites that are linked to schizophrenia. It appears that the involved genes increase the plasticity of the brain (its ability to change). The brain in schizophrenia is more susceptible to and influenced by the environment.

Neurology

Neurology is the study of the nervous system and it’s functioning. Neurologists are studying the function of the brain in schizophrenia and have observed that in schizophrenia, there are problems with the way the brain communicates with itself.

Imbalanced connections between circuits in the brain lead to the symptoms of schizophrenia. The brains of people with schizophrenia show imbalances with neurotransmitters (messengers) serotonin and GABA, but the two most problematic neurotransmitters in this illness are glutamate and dopamine. Dopamine is so strongly correlated with schizophrenia that this potential cause is called the dopamine hypothesis.

Other neurological deficits involve connectivity issues and problems with interactions between brain regions. Additionally, brain tissue itself, especially glial cells, demonstrates abnormalities that may be a cause.

Cognition

Cognition involves how we process input to the brain. It involves thinking, memory, using contextual and sensory input to interpret and organize information, and the ability to conceptualize time and spatial relationships.

Schizophrenia involves significant difficulties with cognition and contextual processing, and researchers have identified problems in the areas of the brain responsible for cognition.

Environmental / Stress Causes of Schizophrenia

The stress-vulnerability model asserts that environmental stress is a cause of schizophrenia. The factors include:

• Neglect, trauma, and abuse in childhood
• Urban upbringing (scientists can’t yet explain why this is a risk factor)
• Moving to a new country with little connection to new or original culture
• Chronic, severe stress

It appears that when people have protective factors that support them during extreme stress, they fare much better. Without protective factors and with multiple risk factors involved, the chances of developing schizophrenia are higher.

Virus/immunopathology

Another theory about the cause of schizophrenia is that viruses and the immune system are involved. It’s known that viruses can negatively impact the brain and mental health, but no connection has been found to link viruses to schizophrenia. Researchers continue to explore this hypothesis.

Pregnancy and Birth Complications

This controversial theory about the cause of schizophrenia has not been directly proven. It has been suggested that certain conditions contribute to the later development of schizophrenia:

• Lack of oxygen during pregnancy or birth
• High maternal stress
• Mother’s exposure to influenza virus during pregnancy
• Maternal malnutrition and/or smoking
• Higher age of the father
• Abnormal fetal development (such as low birth weight)

This theory isn’t meant to put blame a mother. It’s being studied as part of a search for answers.

Substance Use

While the effects of substance use can mimic the symptoms of schizophrenia, it doesn’t appear that substance use causes schizophrenia (Drug Induced Schizophrenia? Is It Possible?). The exception is cannabis. There is a strong correlation between cannabis use and the development of schizophrenia in adolescents who have biological/genetic risk factors (Schizophrenia and Weed: Is Cannabis Helpful or Hurtful?).

Schizophrenia is different for everyone, which makes it hard to determine cause and treatment. It’s known, though, that schizophrenia has multiple risk factors that act together to cause faulty signals and connections in the brain.

The more we know about the causes, the better we can treat this serious mental illness.

article references

Do you want to know if someone is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies? Check their Facebook  profile.

A new University of Georgia study suggests that online social networking sites such as Facebook might be useful tools for detecting whether someone is a narcissist.

"We found that people who are narcissistic use Facebook in a self-promoting way that can be identified by others," said lead author Laura Buffardi, a doctoral student in psychology who co-authored the study with associate professor W. Keith Campbell.

The researchers, whose results appear in the October issue of the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, gave personality questionnaires to nearly 130 Facebook users, analyzed the content of the pages and had untrained strangers view the pages and rate their impression of the owner's narcissism.

The researchers found that the number of Facebook friends and wallposts that individuals have on their profile pages correlates with narcissism. Buffardi said this is consistent with how narcissists behave in the real-world, with numerous yet shallow relationships. Narcissists are also more likely to choose glamorous, self-promoting pictures for their main profile photos, she said, while others are more likely to use snapshots.

Untrained observers were able to detect narcissism, too. The researchers found that the observers used three characteristics - quantity of social interaction, the attractiveness of the individual and the degree of self-promotion in the main photo - to form an impression of the individual's personality. "People aren't perfect in their assessments," Buffardi said, "but our results show they're somewhat accurate in their judgments."

Narcissism is a trait of particular interest, Campbell said, because it hampers the ability to form healthy, long-term relationships. "Narcissists might initially be seen as charming, but they end up using people for their own advantage," Campbell said. "They hurt the people around them and they hurt themselves in the long run."

The tremendous growth of social networking sites - Facebook now has 100 million users, for example - has led psychologists to explore how personality traits are expressed online. Buffardi and Campbell chose Facebook because it's the most popular networking site among college students and because it has a fixed format that makes it easier for researchers to compare user pages.

Some researchers in the past have found that personal Web pages are more popular among narcissists, but Campbell said there's no evidence that Facebook users are more narcissistic than others.

"Nearly all of our students use Facebook, and it seems to be a normal part of people's social interactions," Campbell said. "It just turns out that narcissists are using Facebook the same way they use their other relationships - for self promotion with an emphasis on quantity of over quality."

Still, he points out that because narcissists tend to have more contacts on Facebook, any given Facebook user is likely to have an online friend population with a higher proportion of narcissists than in the real world. Right now it's too early to predict if or how the norms of online self-promotion will change, Campbell said, since the study of social networking sites is still in its infancy.

"We've undergone a social change in the last four or five years and now almost every student manages their relationships through Facebook - something that few older people do," Campbell said. "It's a completely new social world that we're just beginning to understand."

Source: University of Georgia (2008, September 23). Facebook Profiles Can Be Used To Detect Narcissism.