Suggestions for parents dealing with the emotional trauma of learning their child has a psychiatric, learning or other disability.

If you have recently learned that your child is developmentally delayed or has a disability (which may or may not be completely defined), this message may be for you. It is written from the personal perspective of a parent who has shared this experience and all that goes with it.

When parents learn about any difficulty or problem in their child's development, this information comes as a tremendous blow. The day my child was diagnosed as having a disability, I was devastated -- and so confused that I recall little else about those first days other than the heartbreak. Another parent described this event as a "black sack" being pulled down over her head, blocking her ability to hear, see, and think in normal ways. Another parent described the trauma as "having a knife stuck" in her heart. Perhaps these descriptions seem a bit dramatic, yet it has been my experience that they may not sufficiently describe the many emotions that flood parents' minds and hearts when they receive any bad news about their child.

Many things can be done to help yourself through this period of trauma. That is what this article is all about. In order to talk about some of the good things that can happen to alleviate the anxiety, let us first take a look at some of the reactions that occur.

Common Reactions to Learning Your Child Has a Disability

On learning that their child may have a disability, most parents react in ways that have been shared by all parents before them who have also been faced with this disappointment and with this enormous challenge. One of the first reactions is that of denial -- "This cannot be happening to me, to my child, to our family." Denial rapidly merges with anger, which may be directed toward the medical personnel who were involved in providing information about the child's problem. Anger can also color communication between husband and wife or with grandparents or significant others in the family. Early on, it seems that the anger is so intense that it touches almost anyone because it is triggered by the feelings of grief and inexplicable loss that one does not know how to explain or deal with.

Fear is another immediate response. People often fear the unknown more than they fear the known. Having a complete diagnosis and some knowledge of the child's future prospects can be easier than uncertainty. In either case, however, fear of the future is a common emotion: "What is going to happen to this child when he is five years old, when he is twelve, when he is twenty-one? What is going to happen to this child when I am gone?" Then other questions arise: "Will he ever learn? Will he ever go to college? Will he or she have the capability of loving and living and laughing and doing all the things that we had planned?"

Other unknowns also inspire fear. Parents fear that the child's condition will be the very worst it possibly could be. Over the years, I have spoken with so many parents who said that their first thoughts were totally bleak. One expects the worst. Memories return of persons with disabilities one has known. Sometimes there is guilt over some slight committed years before toward a person with a disability. There is also fear of society's rejection, fears about how brothers and sisters will be affected, questions as to whether there will be any more brothers or sisters in this family, and concerns about whether the husband or wife will love this child. These fears can almost immobilize some parents.

Then there is guilt -- guilt and concern about whether the parents themselves have caused the problem: "Did I do something to cause this? Am I being punished for something have done? Did I take care of myself when I was pregnant? Did my wife take good enough care of herself when she was pregnant?" For myself, I remember thinking that surely my daughter had slipped from the bed when she was very young and hit her head, or that perhaps one of her brothers or sisters had inadvertently let her drop and didn't tell me. Much self-reproach and remorse can stem from questioning the causes of the disability.

Guilt feelings may also be manifested in spiritual and religious interpretations of blame and punishment. When they cry, "Why me?" or "Why my child?", many parents are also saying, "Why has God done this to me?" How often have we raised our eyes to heaven and asked: "What did I ever do to deserve this?" One young mother said, "I feel so guilty because all my life I had never had a hardship and now God has decided to give me a hardship."

Confusion also marks this traumatic period. As a result of not fully understanding what is happening and what will happen, confusion reveals itself in sleeplessness, inability to make decisions, and mental overload. In the midst of such trauma, information can seem garbled and distorted. You hear new words that you never heard before, terms that describe something that you cannot understand. You want to find out what it is all about, yet it seems that you cannot make sense of all the information you are receiving. Often parents are just not on the same wavelength as the person who is trying to communicate with them about their child's disability.

Powerlessness to change what is happening is very difficult to accept. You cannot change the fact that your child has a disability, yet parents want to feel competent and capable of handling their own life situations. It is extremely hard to be forced to rely on the judgments, opinions, and recommendations of others. Compounding the problem is that these others are often strangers with whom no bond of trust has yet been established.

Disappointment that a child is not perfect poses a threat to any parents' egos and a challenge to their value system. This jolt to previous expectations can create a reluctance to accept one's child as a valuable, developing person.

Rejection is another reaction that parents experience. Rejection can be directed toward the child or toward the medical personnel or toward other family members. One of the more serious forms of rejection, and not that uncommon, is a "death wish" for the child -- a feeling that many parents report at their deepest points of depression.

During this period of time when so many different feelings can flood the mind and heart, there is no way to measure how intensely a parent may experience this constellation of emotions. Not all parents go through these stages, but it is important for parents to identify with all of the potentially troublesome feelings that can arise so that they will know that they are not alone. There are many constructive actions that you can take immediately, and there are many sources of help, communication, and reassurance.

Where to Find Support When You Learn Your Child Has Special Needs

Seek The Assistance Of Another Parent

There was a parent who helped me. Twenty-two hours after my own child's diagnosis, he made a statement that I have never forgotten: "You may not realize it today, but there may come a time in your life when you will find that having a daughter with a disability is a blessing." I can remember being puzzled by these words, which were nonetheless an invaluable gift that lit the first light of hope for me. This parent spoke of hope for the future. He assured me that there would be programs, there would be progress, and there would be help of many kinds and from many sources. And he was the father of a boy with mental retardation.

My first recommendation is to try to find another parent of a child with a disability, preferably one who has chosen to be a parent helper and seek his or her assistance. All over the United States and over the world, there are Parent-Helping-Parent Programs. The National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities has listings of parent groups that will reach out and help you.

Talk With Your Mate, Family, And Significant Others

Over the years, I have discovered that many parents don't communicate their feelings regarding the problems their children have. One spouse is often concerned about not being a source of strength for the other mate. The more couples can communicate at difficult times like these, the greater their collective strength. Understand that you each approach your roles as parents differently. How you will feel and respond to this new challenge may not the same. Try to explain to each other how you feel; try to understand when you don't see things the same way.

If there are other children, talk with them, too. Be aware of their needs. If you are not emotionally capable of talking with your children or seeing to their emotional needs at this time, identify others within your family structure who can establish a special communicative bond with them. Talk with significant others in your life -- your best friend, your own parents. For many people, the temptation to close up emotionally is great at this point, but it can be so beneficial to have reliable friends and relatives who can help to carry the emotional burden.

Rely On Positive Sources In Your Life

One positive source of strength and wisdom might be your minister, priest, or rabbi. Another may be a good friend or counselor. Go to those who have been a strength before in your life. Find the new sources that you need now.

A very fine counselor once gave me a recipe for living through a crisis: "Each morning, when you arise, recognize your powerlessness over the situation at hand, turn this problem over to God, as you understand Him, and begin your day."

Whenever your feelings are painful, you must reach out and contact someone. Call or write or get into your car and contact a real person who will talk with you and share that pain. Pain divided is not nearly so hard to bear as is pain in isolation. Sometimes professional counseling is warranted; if you feel that this might help you, do not be reluctant to seek this avenue of assistance.

How to Make It Through the Difficult Feelings After Finding Your Child Has Special Needs

Take One Day At A Time

Fears of the future can immobilize one. Living with the reality of the day which is at hand is made more manageable if we throw out the "what if's" and "what then's" of the future. Even though it may not seem possible, good things will continue to happen each day. Worrying about the future will only deplete your limited resources. You have enough to focus on; get through each day, one step at a time.

Learn The Terminology

When you are introduced to new terminology, you should not be hesitant to ask what it means. Whenever someone uses a word that you don't understand, stop the conversation for a minute and ask the person to explain the word.

Seek Information

Some parents seek virtually "tons" of information; others are not so persistent. The important thing is that you request accurate information. Don't be afraid to ask questions, because asking questions will be your first step in beginning to understand more about your child.

Learning how to formulate questions is an art that will make life a lot easier for you in the future. A good method is to write down your questions before entering appointments or meetings, and to write down further questions as you think of them during the meeting. Get written copies of all documentation from physicians, teachers, and therapists regarding your child. It is a good idea to buy a three-ring notebook in which to save all the information that is given to you. In the future, there will be many uses for the information that you have recorded and filed; keep it in a safe place. Again, remember always to ask for copies of evaluations, diagnostic reports, and progress reports. If you are not a naturally organized person, just get a box and throw all the paperwork in it. Then when you really need it, it will be there.

Do Not Be Intimidated

Many parents feel inadequate in the presence of people from the medical or educational professions because of their credentials and, sometimes, because of their professional manner. Do not be intimidated by the educational backgrounds of these and other personnel who may be involved in treating or helping your child. You do not have to apologize for wanting to know what is occurring. Do not be concerned that you are being a bother or are asking too many questions. Remember, this is your child, and the situation has a profound effect on your life and on your child's future. Therefore, it is important that you learn as much as you can about your situation.

Do Not Be Afraid To Show Emotion

So many parents, especially dads, repress their emotions because they believe it to be a sign of weakness to let people know how they are feeling. The strongest fathers of children with disabilities whom I know are not afraid to show their emotions. They understand that revealing feelings does not diminish one's strength.
Learn to Deal with Natural Feelings of Bitterness and Anger

Feelings of bitterness and anger are inevitable when you realize that you must revise the hopes and dreams you originally had for your child. It is very valuable to recognize your anger and to learn to let go of it. You may need outside help to do this. It may not feel like it, but life will get better and the day will come when you will feel positive again. By acknowledging and working through your negative feelings, you will be better equipped to meet new challenges, and bitterness and anger will no longer drain your energies and initiative.

Maintain A Positive Outlook

A positive attitude will be one of your genuinely valuable tools for dealing with problems. There is, truly, always a positive side to whatever is occurring. For example, when my child was found to have a disability, one of the other things pointed out to me was that she was a very healthy child. She still is. The fact that she has had no physical impairments has been a great blessing over the years; she has been the healthiest child I have ever raised. Focusing on the positives diminishes the negatives and makes life easier to deal with.

Keep In Touch With Reality

To stay in touch with reality is to accept life the way it is. To stay in touch with reality is also to recognize that there are some things that we can change and other things that we cannot change. The task for all of us is learning which things we can change and then set about doing that.

Remember That Time Is On Your Side

Time heals many wounds. This does not mean that living with and raising a child who has problems will be easy, but it is fair to say that, as time passes, a great deal can be done to alleviate the problem. Therefore, time does help!

Find Programs For Your Child

Even for those living in isolated areas of the country, assistance is available to help you with whatever problems you are having. NICHCY's State Resource Sheets list contact persons who can help you get started in gaining the information and assistance you need. While finding programs for your child with a disability, keep in mind that programs are also available for the rest of your family.

Take Care Of Yourself

In times of stress, each person reacts in his or her own way. A few universal recommendations may help: Get sufficient rest; eat as well as you can; take time for yourself; reach out to others for emotional support.

Avoid Pity

Self-pity, the experience of pity from others, or pity for your child are actually disabling. Pity is not what is needed. Empathy, which is the ability to feel with another person, is the attitude to be encouraged.

Decide How To Deal With Others

During this period, you may feel saddened by or angry about the way people are reacting to you or your child. Many people's reactions to serious problems are caused by a lack of understanding, simply not knowing what to say, or fear of the unknown. Understand that many people don't know how to behave when they see a child with differences, and they may react inappropriately. Think about and decide how you want to deal with stares or questions. Try not to use too much energy being concerned about people who are not able to respond in ways you might prefer.

Keep Daily Routines As Normal As Possible

My mother once told me, "When a problem arises and you don't know what to do, then you do whatever it was that you were going to do anyway." Practicing this habit seems to produce some normalcy and consistency when life becomes hectic.

Remember That This Is Your Child

This person is your child, first and foremost. Granted, your child's development may be different from that of other children, but this does not make your child less valuable, less human, less important, or in less need of your love and parenting. Love and enjoy your child. The child comes first; the disability comes second. If you can relax and take the positive steps just outlined, one at a time, you will do the best you can, your child will benefit, and you can look forward to the future with hope.

Recognize That You Are Not Alone

The feeling of isolation at the time of diagnosis is almost universal among parents. In this article, there are many recommendations to help you handle feelings of separateness and isolation. It helps to know that these feelings have been experienced by many, many others, that understanding and constructive help are available to you and your child, and that you are not alone.

About the Author

Patricia Smith brings much personal and professional experience to the national parent and disability movement. She is currently the Executive Director of the National Parent Network on Disabilities. She has served as the Acting Assistant and Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services, in the U.S. Department of Education. She has also served as the Deputy Director of NICHCY, where she wrote and first published You Are Not Alone. She has traveled to almost every corner of the United States, as well as internationally, to share her hope and experience with families who have a member with a disability.

Ms. Smith has seven adult children, the youngest of whom has multiple disabilities. She also has a seven-year-old adopted grandson who has Down syndrome.

Source: Kid Source Online

Co-parenting with a toxic ex is challenging and frustrating at best and impossible at worst. A toxic ex-wife or toxic ex-husband purposely sets out to upset you and make you perpetually miserable. They also use your children as pawns in their twisted game. (An important note: A toxic ex-spouse targets you rather than the kids even though they put the kids in the middle of the noxious behavior. If your ex is abusing the kids, legal action is required. This article deals with co-parenting with a toxic ex rather than a child abuser.)

Toxic co-parents are driven by their emotions. These mothers or fathers are fueled by anger, resentment, bitterness, and a desire for revenge. In some cases, the ex may be a narcissist—driven by an inflated ego, loving only themselves, driven by an uncompromising sense of entitlement.

Your toxic ex-wife or ex-husband is driven to act on these emotions; as a result, you must try to parent with someone:

• controlling
• emotionally abusive
• obstinate
• mocking
• accusing
• blaming
• contentious

Because a toxic parent is resentful of you and opposed to co-parenting, they often use a tactic called parental alienation. They do and say things to make the other parent look bad because they want to turn the kids against the other parent in order to damage that relationship and prevent closeness and bonding.

Given the destructive situation, how are you supposed to co-parent with someone like this? Consider the following ideas.

Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex: Is It Even Possible?

Co-parenting is an official arrangement, developed by both parents working together, to create a loving, positive childhood for their kids. Co-parenting isn’t always easy for parents who no longer have a personal relationship, but together, they make it work for their children.

Therein lies the problem. Toxic people can’t or won’t think in terms of “together.” You likely already know from parenting with a narcissist that they can’t put the needs of others—including their kids— above their own. True co-parenting with this type of person doesn’t exist. It’s impossible.

Of course, you both still have a role in parenting your kids, and your kids need a relationship with each of you. Instead of a co-parenting arrangement, you might try parallel parenting. In this arrangement, you both parent your own ways apart from each other rather than having an integrated and overlapping parenting experience.

Parallel parenting looks like this:

• Limited contact and interaction between parents
• Impersonal, brief communication
• No exchange of personal information

Whether you opt for co-parenting or parallel parenting, there are strategies to make parenting with a toxic ex easier.

Tips and Strategies for Co-Parenting or Parallel-Parenting with a Toxic or Narcissistic Ex

Consider each of the tips individually, and pick and choose what will work for you, your kids, and your co- or parallel parent.

• Determine what’s important to you, your parenting goals and values.
• You are the parent when your kids are with you. Focus on them and your goals. Make it positive and keep your ex away from your time.
• Know what triggers your ex. Avoid those topics and situations or prepare for a tirade, minimizing the negative impact.
• Allow your kids to have a relationship, guilt-free, with their other parent.
• Regardless of what your ex does, don’t run them down in front of the kids. That can contribute to kids’ mental health problems like anxiety and depression, and it doesn’t model healthy relationship behavior.
• Don’t react when your kids tell you something irksome their other parent said or did. Avoid showing anger or playing to your ex’s level. (Remember the adage, “Don’t kill the messenger.”
• You can calmly clarify misinformation. Do it at a neutral, non-emotional time.
• Make your home a safe, welcoming place where kids don’t have to hear about their other parent. They can relax and enjoy being with you.
• Avoid turning your kids into confidants, friends, or support groups. To vent about your ex, do it with a friend or real support group,
• Create and maintain firm boundaries with your ex: when you will and won’t communicate and what interactions are acceptable.
• Feeling sorry for your kids and showing it creates a victim mentality. Establish a mentally healthy home for them to enjoy when they’re with you.

The herculean task of remaining calm and positive despite your toxic co-parent is often easier said than done; however, with determination and love for your kids, it is possible. Rather than concentrating on your ex and wishing for them to change, focus on yourself and creating the life you want for you and your kids.

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Considering the terms learning disabilities vs intellectual disabilities can be confusing at first. After all, isn’t learning an intellectual function? And can’t learning enhance intelligence? While the terms “learning” and “intelligence” can and do relate to each other, learning disabilities and intellectual disabilities are two very different concepts, affecting kids and their potential in unique ways. This look at learning disabilities vs intellectual disabilities will end some of the confusion.

Like learning disabilities, intellectual disabilities impact learning. They are both covered by the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), the special education law that ensures that children receive individualized support at school. These similarities are significant, but understanding these disabilities comes from grasping their differences.

Learning Disabilities vs Intellectual Disabilities: What Constitutes a Learning Disorder?

Learning disabilities are processing problems within the brain. There are three main categories of disability plus others, all of which can disrupt a child’s ability to learn in those areas. The three core learning disabilities affect the fundamental academic areas of reading (dyslexia), writing (dysgraphia), and mathematics (dyscalculia). Within each area, different kids can experience different effects and difficulties.

In addition to dyslexia, dysgraphia, and dyscalculia, different learning disabilities types include auditory, language, and visual processing disorders plus nonverbal learning disorder. The primary feature of a learning disability is that it is a processing problem of the brain. In addition to learning difficulties, kids with learning disabilities can experience such things as:

• Motor skills deficits, both fine and gross
• Problems with hand-eye coordination
• Memory problems
• Sensory issues
• Troubles with attention
• Slow processing speed
• Difficulties with logic and reasoning

The struggles a child with a learning disability faces are varied because of the differences in each disability, but in general, they involve what has been called weaknesses in certain areas of the brain (Cunningham, n.d.).

Outside of their area of disability, children with learning disabilities generally do well in school. The concept, “smart kids with learning disabilities,” is often used to describe these children.

If these traits define learning disabilities, what describes intellectual disabilities?

Learning Disabilities vs Intellectual Disabilities: What are Intellectual Disabilities?

Intellectual disabilities used to be known as mental retardation. The connotation was so derogatory that an official change was made. The essence of the disability, its criteria and symptoms, hav'e remained the same.

Children with intellectual disabilities have problems in two main areas:

• Intellectual Functioning
• Adaptive Behaviors

Intellectual functioning involves someone’s learning, problem-solving, decision-making, and reasoning. It’s represented by Intelligence Quotient or IQ. The average IQ is 100, and the average range is 85-115. Someone with an intellectual disability has an IQ of 75 or below. Learning disabilities, on the other hand, don’t affect IQ or general intellectual functioning.

Adaptive behaviors are skills everyone needs to function in daily life. These are conceptual skills like language, literacy, money concept, self-direction, and more. Practical skills like personal care, self-direction, ability to use the phone, and occupational skills are part of adaptive behavior. The other set of adaptive behaviors involves social skills and functioning. Someone with an intellectual disability has poor adaptive behavior.

One more important area for comparing learning disabilities vs intellectual disabilities is education. Both kids with a learning disability and those with intellectual disability can attend school and learn. A child with a learning disability has difficulty in a specific area related to their disability. The reading disorder dyslexia doesn’t affect math, for example. Someone with an intellectual disability, though, has learning deficits across the board. Their learning takes longer than other children (including students with learning disabilities, as they are slower only in their area of disability).

When considering intellectual disabilities vs learning disabilities, there is one more important similarity between them: like all children, these kids have strengths and abilities that can be nurtured. They can go to school and function and grow in their own ways.

See Also:

• What Is a Language-Based Learning Disability?
• How Do Students with Learning Disabilities Affect the Classroom?

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Many parents feel guilty upon discovering they have a special needs child. Learn how parental guilt plays out for both parents and children.

For the most part, pregnancies are met with the anticipation of a good delivery and healthy baby. Upon delivery, parents do a quick scan of the child checking for ten fingers, ten toes and if unknown, a check of the genitals to determine gender. A positive check is met with a sense of relief and gracious thanks for such beautiful a child.

However, for any number of reasons, not all children enter the world equally well-equipped. They may have physical or developmental challenges that become immediately known or known within the first year of life. Such children are identified as having special needs. These are the kids whose development will not follow the normal developmental curve and will require special services to adapt and overcome.

In such circumstances, parents undergo their own psychological and emotional adjustment as they adapt to the loss of the well-child as expected and learn to provide for their child's extraordinary needs ("Discovering You Have A Special Needs Child: You Are Not Alone").

Parental Guilt Causes Extremes in Raising Special Needs Kids

Some parents may feel or may actually be complicit in their child's special needs. Drug and alcohol abuse are known contributors to developmental disorders, whereas other unforeseen circumstances beyond anyone's control may contribute to a child's special needs. Regardless, there are a good many parents who whether reasonably or not, feel complicit in their child's disorder and suffer tremendous guilt as a result. This, in turn, leads some parents to heroic attention to meeting their child's needs while others may place minimal expectations on their child, favoring instead to pamper them so as to atone for their disability or act with a sense of pity.

Those parents who undertake heroic actions are at risk of burnout themselves. Further, marriages under such strain are at risk of dissolving thus actually placing an even greater burden of care on the primary caregiver, which then intensifies their risk of burnout.

Those parents who opt to pamper their child with special needs and hold minimal expectations are at risk of their child not fully developing to potential. Further and similar to parenting well-children with minimal expectations, there is a risk of contributing to poor behavior and poor socialization. Even kids with special needs can be spoiled, become self-righteous and behaviourally unmanageable from a lack of reasonable expectations.

Sometimes within the same family, the parents are at odds with each other. One parent may feel a need to pamper, or to provide heroic actions and the other will try to balance things out by taking an opposite approach. Hence the parent that pampers is met by the other parent with overly high expectations. Clearly then, there is a setup for parental conflict leading to a shaky marriage, not to mention mixed messages for a child with special needs, who more than anything else, needs a consistent message.

Parenting children with special needs requires a presence of mind unlike that of parenting children whose development follows a normal path. As if issues of guilt, upset and loss wasn't enough, there is also the fatigue that comes with the continuous supervision these children require, often in the face of limited support.

Who Survives The Stress of Parenting A Special Needs Child?

Those parents who tend to fare better in their own right share certain traits. They examine their own feelings with a view to managing them in a way to avoid interference with the care of their children and they learn to pace themselves, even if it means somewhat slower progress for their children.

While all children need their parents, kids with special needs often need their parents longer... a lot longer.

If you are struggling, meeting the needs of your child or if caring for your child is hurting your marriage, consider counseling. Look at your feelings with the view to helping you cope and respond better. In the long run, as you invest in yourself, you are better able to support your child, now and for the future.

About the author: Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on Section 112 (social work) report.

Co-parenting counseling, therapy, or mediation can be of tremendous help to parents when their marriage has ended but their role as parents continues. It can be hard to balance the role of ex-partners with the purpose of working together to create the best growing-up experience they can for their children.  For help in separating the personal relationship from the parenting one, many parents use helpful, neutral services such as co-parenting counseling, therapy, or mediation.

Communication issues and lingering conflicts can interfere in co-parenting arrangements. Difficulty separating personal issues from parenting issues is common, yet many parents purposefully choose a co-parenting arrangement that involves cooperation and growth. Because this can be hard to achieve, parents can enlist professional help.  

Co-parenting counseling or therapy (the terms are often used interchangeably) is largely about fostering positive relationships. Counselors work with parents to assist them in creating a close, healthy relationship between the parents so they can put their differences aside for the sake of their children.

Co-parenting mediation focuses less on relationships and more on discussing custody guidelines and preparing documentation for the courts. Let’s dive further into these co-parenting assistance services.

What to Expect in Co-Parenting Counseling, Co-Parenting Therapy

Co-parenting counseling and co-parenting therapy are conducted by a qualified therapist with experience working with families who have experienced divorce.

Co-parenting counseling and co-parenting therapy are for parents who want to share parenting responsibilities and develop strong relationships with their children. If parents express closed-mindedness, anger, and other negative emotions, counseling may not be for them. In heated, contentious divorces, co-parenting mediation may be a better choice. But if you are interested in counseling, here’s what happens with counselors or therapists.

Even though both parents are the ones to attend co-parent therapy, counseling is for the children. A counselor works with parents to benefit their children. Together, parents meet with the therapist who is a neutral party and can help them focus on kid-centered parenting plans.

During counseling, parents make and document co-parenting arrangements. Some of the discussions focus on logistics. Creating a parenting schedule can be part of therapy, as are other practical details like transportation between homes, getting kids to and from school and activities, how medical decisions will be made, and educational considerations (which school to attend, how to help kids thrive academically and socially). Parents also talk through other subjects with the assistance of the neutral, calm counselor.

Some of the topics addressed are

• Putting kids first
• Difficult issues between the parents (This isn’t couple’s counseling, but a therapist will address problems for the sake of the kids.)
• Differences in parenting styles
• Defining what child behavior is acceptable and unacceptable
• Setting standard limits and boundaries
• Decisions about what rules should be consistent between homes and which can be different
• Establishing a climate of respect between parents and in both households
• Fostering healthy and regular communication
• Increasing problem-solving and decision-making skills
• Learning to manage emotions, anxieties around the divorce and co-parenting
• Strengthening parents’ ability to nurture their kids despite negative feelings for each other ("Tips for Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex")
• Discussing the importance of communicating to kids that they can have equal relationships with both parents

The greater purpose to all of this is designing a co-parenting plan that helps kids feel like they are at their home no matter which parent they are with. Replacing the concept of “mom’s house” and “dad’s house” with “our house” is essential for an emotionally happy, well-adjusted child.

Co-parenting therapy can be very productive and foster positive relationships and life experiences for children and each of their parents. Sometimes, though, co-parenting counseling doesn’t work. In that case, parents can choose, or the court might order, co-parenting mediation.

What Is Co-Parenting Mediation?

Mediation is a process that involves the creation of a co-parenting agreement.  It’s a voluntary process that seeks to meet the needs of all family members, each parent, and the children. Parents create the co-parenting plan with the mediator keeping communication productive and civil as well as guiding the plan so it remains fair and kid-friendly.

Mediation helps resolve parental differences that are hindering their ability to share the parenting of their kids.  Mostly, though, the process focuses on the establishment of a custody agreement and the logistical details that go with it. In many states, a parenting plan must be filed with the court, and mediation facilitates the process.

Although co-parenting mediation doesn’t emphasize relationships the way counseling or therapy does, it does have benefits. Mediators step in when discussions become heated. They help the parents focus just on their task of creating a plan that is healthy for their kids.

Developing a co-parenting plan is essential for healthy child development. Co-parenting counseling, co-parenting therapy, or co-parenting mediation can make it easier to develop the best agreement for your children.

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Students with learning disabilities are guaranteed under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) to receive an education in the least restrictive environment. Sometimes in severe cases, that’s a special school for children with learning disabilities. Mostly, though, it’s in a public school where they might be in a special education resource room or in a regular education classroom with other kids who don’t have a learning disability. Either classroom setting has advantages and disadvantages for students with learning disabilities and those without one.

When Students with Learning Disabilities Are Mainstreamed

Services of special education for learning disabilities involves choosing where they will spend most of each school day. In some cases, a child needs to be in the special ed resource room full-time. In other cases, some portion of the day is spent in the resource room and the rest is in the general education classroom. In still others, a child spends their entire day in the general education classroom with their peers.

When a child receives education in a general ed classroom, it’s called mainstreaming or inclusion. There are subtle differences, but because the effects of each can be similar, this article will use both terms.  

Inclusion is much more than adding a desk for a student with a learning disability and letting them work there, assisted by a classroom aide. Inclusion means that the teacher:

• Works to meet the needs of every student, with or without an IEP, every day
• Provides different instruction and practice for different kids rather than using one curriculum and lesson plan
• Deliver different instruction methods, working with an aide to divide students into groups and instructing the groups differently
• Uses different teaching approaches, using learning stations, activities, one-on-one tutoring more than large-group lecture
• Stock the room with special equipment and learning materials that every student can use.

With inclusion, all children have an equal chance to reach their potential. In this way alone, a student with a learning disability affects the classroom in a positive way. There are other ways these children positively affect the general classroom, too.

Students with Learning Disabilities Can Have Positive Effects on the Classroom

When a student with a learning disability attends a general classroom, many positive effects impact all students, both with and without a learning disability. The focus becomes less on a student’s disability and more on everyone’s learning and interaction. This can be a relief for the student whose learning disability is always front and center.

Other advantages of inclusion include:

• All students learn empathy, understanding, acceptance of differences
• Students learn that everyone has strengths and weaknesses
• Kids begin to look beyond the disability to see the whole person
• Children see and come to appreciate different ways of thinking
• Students shift their thinking away from the “separate because of differences” notion that is an unintended result of full containment in the resource room
• A child with a learning disability sees that they can learn things like their peers, and these peers see that a child with a learning ability is capable of learning
• Through peer tutoring, everyone participating learns and develops new skills from each other

Students with learning disabilities can affect the classroom, both their peers and themselves, positively. Nothing in life is either all good or all bad, of course, so there are some negative ways mainstreaming affects the classroom, too.

Negative Effects of Mainstreaming Students with Learning Disabilities

Placing students with learning disabilities in a general classroom full-time can cause some problems. Note that it’s the situation that can be problematic, not students themselves.

Some cons of mainstreaming include:

• Behavior problems related to the learning disability can be disruptive
• In response to modifications, accommodations, and specific discipline approaches, students in the class might be resentful, believing that their peer with the learning disability has it easy
• The crowded, fast-paced, “chaotic” environment might overwhelm a child with a learning disability
• Kids with disabilities might feel in the spotlight and intimidated
• It’s difficult for the teacher to give special, individualized instruction to one child while still instructing and giving feedback to the other students—so no one receives the learning attention they need

Perhaps the best effect of students with learning disabilities in the general education classroom is the fact that there are both pros and cons. Every student learns that nothing and no one is perfect but that everyone has strengths and every situation has positives. As a result, students with and without learning disabilities learn how to handle challenges, disruptions, and frustrations. They learn how to be good friends and how to accept each other’s imperfections. All kids affect their classroom profoundly.

See Also:

• What’s an Individualized Education Program? Who Needs One?
• Learning Disabilities Vs. Intellectual Disabilities
• What Causes Learning Disabilities?
• What Is a Learning Disability? Definition of Learning Disability

article references

Growing up is a demanding and challenging task for every adolescent. One important aspect is forming one's sexual identity. All children explore and experiment sexually as part of normal development. This sexual behavior may be with members of the same or opposite sex. For many adolescents, thinking about and/or experimenting with the same sex may cause concerns and anxiety regarding their sexual orientation. For others, even thoughts or fantasies may cause anxiety.

Homosexuality is the persistent sexual and emotional attraction to someone of the same sex. It is part of the range of sexual expression. Many gay and lesbian individuals first become aware of and experience their homosexual thoughts and feelings during childhood and adolescence. Homosexuality has existed throughout history and across cultures. Recent changes in society's attitude toward homosexuality have helped some gay and lesbian teens feel more comfortable with their sexual orientation. In other aspects of their development, they are similar to heterosexual youngsters. They experience the same kinds of stress, struggles, and tasks during adolescence.

Parents need to clearly understand that homosexual orientation is not a mental disorder. The cause(s) of homosexuality is not fully understood. However, a person's sexual orientation is not a matter of choice. In other words, individuals have no more choice about being homosexual than heterosexual. All teenagers do have a choice about their expression of sexual behaviors and lifestyle, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Despite increased knowledge and information about being gay or lesbian, teens still have many concerns. These include:

• feeling different from peers;
• feeling guilty about their sexual orientation;
• worrying about the response from their families and loved ones;
• being teased and ridiculed by their peers;
• worrying about AIDS, HIV infection, and other sexually transmitted diseases;
• fearing discrimination when joining clubs, sports, seeking admission to college, and finding employment;
• being rejected and harassed by others.

Gay and lesbian teens can become socially isolated, withdraw from activities and friends, have trouble concentrating, and develop low self-esteem. They may also develop depression. Parents and others need to be alert to these signs of distress because recent studies show that gay/lesbian youth account for a significant number of deaths by suicide in adolescence.

It is important for parents to understand their teen's homosexual orientation and to provide emotional support. Parents often have difficulty accepting their teen's homosexuality for some of the same reasons that the youngster wants to keep it secret. Gay or lesbian adolescents should be allowed to decide when and to whom to disclose their homosexuality. Parents and other family members may gain understanding and support from organizations such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).

Counseling may be helpful for teens who are uncomfortable with their sexual orientation or uncertain about how to express it. They may benefit from the support and the opportunity to clarify their feelings. Therapy may also help the teen adjust to personal, family, and school-related issues or conflicts that emerge. Therapy directed specifically at changing homosexual orientation is not recommended and may be harmful to an unwilling teen. It may create more confusion and anxiety by reinforcing the negative thoughts and emotions with which the youngster is already struggling.

Source: Familymanagement.com

A nonverbal learning disorder (NLD) isn’t an official diagnosis. It’s a neurological condition that affects certain academic skills and causes social problems. Children with NLD can be highly skilled, even gifted, in non-affected academic areas. It’s estimated that about one percent of children, both boys and girls equally, have nonverbal learning disorder.

Researchers aren’t quite sure what causes nonverbal learning disorder, but they do link the root of the disorder to the brain. Different theories suggest that the problem is in the right hemisphere of the brain, the frontal lobe, or the corpus collosum, the structure allowing communication between hemispheres.

What is Nonverbal Learning Disorder? NLD Summary

Nonverbal learning disability impacts kids academically, visually, and socially. Kids with NLD struggle to understand concepts and identify patterns. A big part of this learning disorder is its social difficulties. It’s been compared to autism spectrum disorder because of some similarities in social behavior and interactions.

While NLD does cause academic struggles, there are some areas where a child with this disorder excels. Kids typically have large vocabularies and strong language skills. They tend to be talkative. They also have excellent memories. Another strength is their attention to detail.

If you’re concerned about your child and nonverbal learning disorder, knowing the prominent symptoms can help you recognize your child’s struggles.

Nonverbal Learning Disorder Symptoms

Nonverbal learning disability has many distinct symptoms that can fit into five general areas of weakness it causes: visual and spatial awareness, higher-order comprehension, social communication, math concepts, and executive functioning.

Specific symptoms of NLD include:

• Perceiving and evaluating visual input
• Difficulty comprehending, identifying the main ideas, concepts, and themes of what is read
• An inability to listen or read and take notes
• Poor gross motor skills
• Poor fine motor skills
• Awkwardness
• Extreme difficulty with change and transitions
• Fearful of new situations
• Lack of common sense
• Concrete, literal thinking, and an inability to consider other viewpoints
• Inability to look beyond little details to see a bigger picture
• Poor abstract reasoning skills
• Problems with understanding nonverbal communication like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions

Another characteristic of nonverbal learning disorder is poor social skills. Social deficits are just as problematic as other characteristics of the disorder.  

Nonverbal Learning Disorder and Social Skills

One of the biggest problems for kids with NLD is inadequate social skills. One difficulty these kids have is talking too much and not understanding how to take turns in a conversation. This is largely due to their strong verbal skills and inability to read cues. Because of their visual and spatial relations difficulties, a child with NLD can’t pick up on signals by observing and making connections.

These kids also have a hard time with personal space and often stand too close to others. Another problem is their concrete thinking that causes them to take everything literally, including joking and sarcasm. They can become angry or hurt and either lash out or withdraw.

Thankfully, there are some things that can help children with NLD.

Nonverbal Learning Disability Treatment

There isn’t a recommended treatment for nonverbal learning disorder. There isn’t enough information known about this disorder to know how to treat it. Despite a lack of formal treatment recommendations, there are interventions that have been found to help kids. Nonverbal learning disorder treatment involves parental support and guidance as well as therapy.

Mental health therapy can help kids with generalized anxiety and social anxiety that are part of this disorder. Play therapy and cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) are approaches that can help kids with NLD. Social skills groups at school, or conducted by the child’s play therapist or CBT therapist, allow kids to practice skills and receive direct feedback. Occupational therapy is another approach that is practical and builds skills. Kids develop fine and gross motor skills, and they learn valuable life skills as well.

Parents can do many things to help their child increase skills. These suggestions can get you started:

• Work with your child on problem-solving by walking them through a step-by-step approach
• Help them organize school projects and assignments and determine how to dive in
• To make transitions easier, be logical and straightforward and make sure they understand when they’ll have to shift gears
• Keep your home calm to avoid sensory overload
• Create and keep routines
• When interacting with your child, be clear, specific, and concrete
• Avoid playful teasing and nicknames (kids with NLD don’t understand nicknames)
• Arrange playdates at your house, and have them structured
• For playdates, choose kids that have things in common with your child (your child’s teacher may have insights)

Understanding the symptoms of nonverbal learning disorder and identifying what your child especially struggles with will help you better relate to them as well as help them understand what their brain prevents them from grasping. With support, patience, and practice, kids with nonverbal learning disorder can acquire life skills.

See Also:

• How Do I Get a Learning Disabilities Diagnosis for My Child?
• What Are Treatments for Learning Disabilities?
• What Are the Different Types of Learning Disabilities?
• How Do You Spot a Math Learning Disability?

article references

Child behavioral therapy is recommended by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) as the first treatment for kids with ADHD (WebMD, 2018). Child behavior therapy can be used on its own with young children. Preschoolers respond very well to this type of ADHD treatment alone. Children over the age of six also see ADHD symptoms greatly improve with behavioral therapy, but sometimes ADHD medication is used alongside therapy for maximum effect. Whether or not you and your doctor decide that medication is necessary, child behavioral therapy for children with ADHD can help them be successful at home and school.

What is Behavioral Therapy for ADHD and How Can I Expect it to Help?

Behavior therapy is different from other therapies for kids with ADHD. It’s neither talk therapy nor play therapy. It isn’t done in an office with a therapist. It doesn’t focus on a child’s thoughts or emotions. Behavior therapy is all about actions. True to its name, behavioral therapy focuses entirely on a child’s behavior. It’s also unique because parents are the ones to use it with their ADHD child.

An actions-based approach is perfectly suited to ADHD, as the disorder causes kids to do things that get them into trouble. ADHD affects the way kids focus and how long they can concentrate, which isn’t long. Children with ADHD are often inattentive and easily distracted. Hyperactivity and impulse control are hallmarks of ADHD, too. All of these symptoms of ADHD make it difficult for a child to sit still in class, listen to instruction from parents or teachers, and organize schoolwork and other important items.

The challenges created by ADHD are highly disruptive. Kids, however, are capable of learning new behaviors to replace ineffective ones. Behavioral therapy with their parents can help kids:

• Extinguish disorderly, distracting behavior
• Increase positive, cooperative behavior
• Express themselves calmly with less confrontation or hostility
• Learn how to organize and find things more easily

Behavior therapy is straightforward. However, it’s not always easy to use with your child with ADHD, at least at first. Understanding the key components will help you know precisely how to use it with your child.

Important Components and Strategies for Using Behavioral Therapy with Your Child

You can expect success when you follow two basic principles of behavioral therapy. Set clear and specific rules and make them known to your child. Then, enforce them consistently, without exception, using rewards and consequences.

Kids with ADHD learn through reinforcements. They need to know what’s expected of them and what will happen when they comply or don’t comply. They catch on that you mean business when you have a rule; when that rule isn’t hit-or-miss but always applies. They also connect rewards and consequences for your rules and eventually choose the behavior that rewards them.

Beyond the basic principles of behavior therapy for kids with ADHD, there are components of the approach that help you modify your child’s behavior.

• Post rules around the house in relevant places to help your child remember them.
• Use a token economy in which kids earn a small token or a sticker for good behavior. When they have earned enough (an amount set by you, communicated to your child, and that your child can see the progress toward), they receive their reward. Rewards can be small, simple, and free. Perhaps your child doesn’t have to do chores that night or can have some extra time to play before starting the bedtime routine.
• Use a concept called response cost. Your child loses privileges for unwanted behavior.
• When you need your child to do something, such as stay by your side in a busy place, speak slowly and clearly so your child pays attention to your expectation. Use their name to encourage them to listen.
• Use “when/then” statements whenever possible. If your ADHD kid has become distracted and isn’t doing what you asked them to do, and you know they want to go to a friend’s house, calmly remind them that when they finish the task, then you will take them to the friend’s house.

You can learn the finer points of using behavior therapy with your child. ADHD behavior therapists can teach you how to use this approach, or you can take training classes. These classes are often called parent training, parent behavior training, or behavior management training for parents.

You can expect positive results from behavioral therapy for ADHD because it has been shown to help kids improve behaviors associated with the disorder. It’s a process that requires patience, as behaviors often change slowly. With persistence and consistency, though, changes do happen. You can help your child with ADHD improve their behavior.

See Also:

• What Kinds of Therapy for an ADHD Child Exist? Do They Work?

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Therapy for an ADHD child can offer many benefits to help them thrive despite having this disruptive disorder. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a disorder of executive functioning in the brain. Executive functions include focusing, paying attention, maintaining effort needed to complete a task, and working memory. ADHD can also involve behavior problems like hyperactivity, difficulty with transitions, and seemingly purposeful disobedience. A child with ADHD can be exasperating ("I Need to Know How to Discipline My Child with ADHD. Now."). Thankfully, therapy for an ADHD child can help.

Various kinds of therapy are available for children with ADHD. Common approaches include:

• Play therapy
• Behavioral therapy
• Parent training
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy
• Social skills group therapy

Each of these offers a different approach to helping kids with ADHD. In general, each of the therapies for ADHD children works as well as the others. When it comes to your child, though, they aren’t equally effective. To be effective for your child, therapy must meet their specific needs, struggles, and personality.

As you read the descriptions of each type of therapy, consider how your child might respond to it. All are researched-approved. The next step is to make sure that you and your child approve and respond.

Types of Therapy for an ADHD Child

Every therapy for children with ADHD has similar goals: to help these kids improve both behavior and executive functions so they can thrive in the classroom, on the playground, and at home with family. Here’s how each one approaches the task.

Play therapy works with the ADHD child’s need to move and their difficulty focusing and listening attentively. Rather than involving talk therapy, play therapy for ADHD lets kids play freely or with gentle direction from the therapist. The therapist observes and comments on the emotion or other complex concepts the child demonstrates through play. This helps kids develop insights into themselves and words to describe them.

Play therapy activities for ADHD include fantasy play, role play, games, blocks, sand tray, puppets, and other activities that a child gravitates toward. Play comes naturally to most children, so it reaches kids on their level and lets them act out roles and situations, practice life skills like taking turns and handling frustrations. Play therapy activities for ADHD increase attention to detail and the ability to concentrate, improve self-control and patience, and decrease impulsivity. Together, these new skills increase self-esteem, improve classroom success, help kids build friendships, and improve life at home.

Behavioral therapy uses rewards and consequences to help kids change their behavior. In behavioral therapy, an ADHD child learns to manage hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattention, the core symptoms of the disorder. Kids also develop strategies for organization. This system of positive reinforcements and consequences decreases disruptive behaviors as well.

Behavioral therapy is effective in changing a child’s behaviors. It isn’t a quick fix, however. It requires hard work and patience.
    
Parent training is a program that teaches behavioral therapy to parents. A child’s parents or other caregivers use behavioral therapy to decrease problematic behavior like tantrums, defiance, tuning out instructions or directions, and other behaviors that get kids with ADHD into trouble wherever they go.

A clinical psychologist or other professional trains parents to use behavioral therapy to help their child. With the system of rewards and consistent consequences, kids fit in better with peers, improve listening skills, concentration, self-control, and self-esteem. Parent training can also strengthen the parent-child relationship.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is an approach that works very well with adults living with ADHD. It can be effective with kids, depending on the child. CBT is a form of talk therapy that helps people with ADHD talk about their experiences, identify negative thoughts about their experiences, and replace the negative thoughts with more realistic, helpful ones.

The nature of ADHD can make CBT frustrating for some children. Others, though, learn new thinking patterns and skills when they work with a CBT therapist.

Social skills group therapy can be part of any type of therapy for an ADHD child. These groups are led by one or two therapists and help children learn and practice new social behaviors with each other.

Do Therapies for an ADHD Child Work?

When working with a therapist they like and engage in the type of therapy that meets their individual needs, children with ADHD can improve in many ways. They change their behaviors and improve executive functioning. They can thrive, as can their families and teachers.

It’s important to know, though, that therapy isn’t a cure. Therapy, regardless of the type, doesn’t “fix” the brain or eliminate ADHD. Therapy for an ADHD child helps them make their lives with the disorder better.

See Also:

• Child Behavioral Therapy for Kids with ADHD: What to Expect

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