Hello I'm Hannah. I have Bipolar 2

I'm Bipolar Too

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Hi, my name is Hannah Blum, I have Bipolar 2 and I'd like to share my story with you.

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The Pain of Living with Bipolar 2 Disorder

With bipolar 2, the depression is crippling and the hypomanic episodes are exhausting. Find out what bipolar 2 is really like on HealthyPlaceLiving with bipolar 2 is a constant challenge

I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room, elegantly dressed from head to toe, screaming at the top of my lungs. My mascara dripping down my face and hitting the floor like blackened rain drops. I keep screaming, but no one can hear me. Strangers, friends, and family wave towards me with smiles filled with glee as if my pain is invisible. Then it hits me. It is invisible.

The pain of living with bipolar 2 disorder, also known as bipolar depression, is difficult to explain. There is no Merriam-Webster definition that can accurately describe it. The depression is crippling and the hypomanic episodes are both physically and mentally exhausting. You feel out of control and lost. No amount of coffee can get you hyped for the day and no amount of encouragement can motivate you. The stigma of bipolar disorder is equally as painful, causing you to isolate and loath your own reflection. I wish they had as many pills for ignorance as they do for all other illnesses. When those around you don’t acknowledge your pain as being real, it causes you to doubt yourself and feel like an outcast in society. The pain from those negative thoughts is draining and all-consuming.

The Most Painful Part of Living with Bipolar 2

The part of bipolar 2 disorder that is the most painful for me is the guilt. The guilt I feel for being lost as if I did it on purpose. It bullies me to think of myself as unworthy and ashamed. As someone who is viewed by others as being selfless, the idea of emotionally hurting others is overwhelming. I feel like I am constantly saying “I am sorry” even in situations where an apology is not necessary. In severe hypomanic episodes, I can be irresponsible and irritable. In depressive episodes, I am nonexistent and isolated. It is an out of body experience. I go from being confident, energetic and social to withdrawn and insecure. It’s like seeing yourself from the outside withering away as if you were watching a sad movie in which you are the star. However, the irony of this movie is that if I could choose to live without bipolar 2 disorder, I would not.

I blame bipolar for the internal pain that is so difficult to explain to others, but I also blame bipolar for feeling emotions so deeply I crave to help others. I blame bipolar for challenging me to find strength at my weakest point. Bipolar shares with me its pain and the day I stopped letting society make me feel ashamed, was the day it shared with me its gifts. If it were not for the pain, I would not be the woman I am today.

How does living with bipolar disorder feel to you? Share your experiences in the comments below.

About Hannah Blum, Author of I'm Bipolar Too Blog
Getting Involved in the Mental Health Community Ch...

Comments 9

 
Ryan Kalnoski on Friday, 31 March 2017 13:14

"I wish they had as many pills for ignorance as they do for all other illnesses."

I love this line.

"I wish they had as many pills for ignorance as they do for all other illnesses." I love this line.
Hannah Blum on Monday, 03 April 2017 21:34

Hi Ryan. I'm glad you found my blog. Thank you! Feel free to share your thoughts any time! Hannah

Hi Ryan. I'm glad you found my blog. Thank you! Feel free to share your thoughts any time! Hannah
Fiona Andrew on Monday, 10 April 2017 09:57

I couldn't put it into better words. This describes exactly how it feels. I've also got to the stage where I wouldn't take it away as it's made me into the person I am today xxx

I couldn't put it into better words. This describes exactly how it feels. I've also got to the stage where I wouldn't take it away as it's made me into the person I am today xxx
Hannah Blum on Wednesday, 12 April 2017 10:06

I am glad you can relate to this! I am so happy you allowed your struggle to mold you into the incredible person you are today. Thank you for sharing! Hannah

I am glad you can relate to this! I am so happy you allowed your struggle to mold you into the incredible person you are today. Thank you for sharing! Hannah
Guest - Brandi on Friday, 30 June 2017 23:43

Thank you for sharing! You put exactly into words how I feel! Nobody else understands... thanks for this. Needed it!

Thank you for sharing! You put exactly into words how I feel! Nobody else understands... thanks for this. Needed it!
Hannah Blum on Saturday, 01 July 2017 08:54

Hi Brandi! Thank you so much for those kind words. I am so glad through sharing some of my experiences living with bipolar that other people can relate. Always know that you are not alone and have a loving and vibrant community to lean on.-Hannah

Hi Brandi! Thank you so much for those kind words. I am so glad through sharing some of my experiences living with bipolar that other people can relate. Always know that you are not alone and have a loving and vibrant community to lean on.-Hannah
Jo on Wednesday, 12 July 2017 13:38

Having bipolar disorder feels to me as if I am in the wrong life in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel as if I don't belong in my own body and I can't trust my brain. There are times when the pain is as you described, and I'm unsure why no one can hear the screams that are echoing in my head, both pain and rage mixed together, so loud as to be overwhelming. The medications that I'm on have now gotten me to a place where I am more focused and the fog has lifted enough that I am back to being more "me", which is such a relief that I can't even begin to describe it. I thought I might have been lost forever for a while there, and it was just one more thing to mourn. There has been no real upside to bipolar disorder for me, it overwhelms my empathy and drowns me in depression.

Having bipolar disorder feels to me as if I am in the wrong life in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel as if I don't belong in my own body and I can't trust my brain. There are times when the pain is as you described, and I'm unsure why no one can hear the screams that are echoing in my head, both pain and rage mixed together, so loud as to be overwhelming. The medications that I'm on have now gotten me to a place where I am more focused and the fog has lifted enough that I am back to being more "me", which is such a relief that I can't even begin to describe it. I thought I might have been lost forever for a while there, and it was just one more thing to mourn. There has been no real upside to bipolar disorder for me, it overwhelms my empathy and drowns me in depression.
Hannah Blum on Wednesday, 12 July 2017 15:36

Hi Jo! I can relate to feeling as though you are "in the wrong life in the wrong place at the wrong time." It seems like you are watching someone else withering away, outside of yourself. It is an out of body experience, especially when it comes to depression. I am glad you are at a place where you are more focused. Continue to push forward and know that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing!-Hannah

Hi Jo! I can relate to feeling as though you are "in the wrong life in the wrong place at the wrong time." It seems like you are watching someone else withering away, outside of yourself. It is an out of body experience, especially when it comes to depression. I am glad you are at a place where you are more focused. Continue to push forward and know that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing!-Hannah
E.P. Gilligan on Wednesday, 26 July 2017 20:38

My bipolar 2 is a curse. When Jesus Christ walked this earth He frequently exorcised demons. We may call it mental illness, but I frequently wonder if I am actually demon possessed. I am not an evil woman; I am a God fearing Christian, but the depth of despair that my depression can reach and my inability to fight back make me wish it was a demon; so I could get it exorcised, and be done with it.

After thirty years, my husband could no longer deal with my bipolar 2. He left me. I started going to a women's Divorce Care group at a local church. One evening in tears I explained how my bipolar 2 had cost me my marriage. That night they were so understanding; each of them praying over me. The next week when I arrived, I was asked to leave and not come back. It seems that some of the women were now afraid of me, even though I had already been going for seven weeks!!

I am sorry, but I see absolutely no advantage to being bipolar 2. I would never hurt my family by taking my own life, but the truth is, I don't want to be alive. I was having a conversation with God yesterday in the car. I was explaining that car wrecks happen all the time. If God could just cause a car to run into my car and kill me, then it wouldn't be my fault that I died. No one could blame me, and I would never have to live with so much pain again. I deal with these kinds of thoughts all the time even though I take six different psych meds on a daily basis and had been seeing a therapist for about two years. I am actually doing tremendously better than I was six years ago, before I started being treated for my bipolar 2.

People who do not have this illness have no idea how dark the thoughts are that seem to try to control my mind. I have met other people with bipolar 2 who are able to relate to what I am saying. Can you imagine what it's like to live your life with an evil demon that can never be exorcised?

I am attractive, educated, and financially well off. I would never hurt another person or animal. Other than my husband, my family, and my doctors, no one knows that I am living with this constant struggle. The one time I tried to share it, I was asked to leave.

This is the worst kind of curse.

My bipolar 2 is a curse. When Jesus Christ walked this earth He frequently exorcised demons. We may call it mental illness, but I frequently wonder if I am actually demon possessed. I am not an evil woman; I am a God fearing Christian, but the depth of despair that my depression can reach and my inability to fight back make me wish it was a demon; so I could get it exorcised, and be done with it. After thirty years, my husband could no longer deal with my bipolar 2. He left me. I started going to a women's Divorce Care group at a local church. One evening in tears I explained how my bipolar 2 had cost me my marriage. That night they were so understanding; each of them praying over me. The next week when I arrived, I was asked to leave and not come back. It seems that some of the women were now afraid of me, even though I had already been going for seven weeks!! I am sorry, but I see absolutely no advantage to being bipolar 2. I would never hurt my family by taking my own life, but the truth is, I don't want to be alive. I was having a conversation with God yesterday in the car. I was explaining that car wrecks happen all the time. If God could just cause a car to run into my car and kill me, then it wouldn't be my fault that I died. No one could blame me, and I would never have to live with so much pain again. I deal with these kinds of thoughts all the time even though I take six different psych meds on a daily basis and had been seeing a therapist for about two years. I am actually doing tremendously better than I was six years ago, before I started being treated for my bipolar 2. People who do not have this illness have no idea how dark the thoughts are that seem to try to control my mind. I have met other people with bipolar 2 who are able to relate to what I am saying. Can you imagine what it's like to live your life with an evil demon that can never be exorcised? I am attractive, educated, and financially well off. I would never hurt another person or animal. Other than my husband, my family, and my doctors, no one knows that I am living with this constant struggle. The one time I tried to share it, I was asked to leave. This is the worst kind of curse.
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